Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

>> Tosh: THAT COULD HAVE BEEN

SETTLED WITH A DANCE-OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

AT THIS POINT IF YOU'RE NOT

WEARING CASHMERE YOU'RE NOT A

TRUE FAN.

PERHAPS A CHEAPER SHOW WOULD BE

MORE TO YOU'RE LIKING.

MIGHT I SUGGEST HOUSE OF CARDS.

THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE DOESN'T

MATTER BECAUSE IT'S SOME WHERE

IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I CHECK

FEMALE VENTRILOQUIST OFF MY LIST

AND TEE UP NA NA NA NA BOO BOO

AND THE HARLEM SHAKES VIDEO THAT

STARTED IT ALL AND NOW LET'S

WATCH THE SOUTH MEMPHIS HIGH

DEBATE TEAM IN ACTION.

ALL RIGHT, PAUSE IT.

I'LL BE KOBE AND YOU BE DWIGHT

HOWARD.

I WISH I CAN COULD DO THAT TO

MARIO LOPEZ'S TIGHT LITTLE REAR.

HE'LL PROBABLY GET A SHOE DEAL

OUT OF THIS.

KEEP UP THE HIJINKS AND YOU'LL

HAVE TO MOVE WITH YOUR AUNTIE

AND UNCLE IN BELAIR.

YES, YOU CAN BRING YOUR BUDDY

JAZZ.

I VOLUNTEER AT THAT CAFETERIA

ONCE A MONTH.

>> HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOS.

OOH, FORGET YOUR GRAVY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: KEEP IT ON THE

HUSH-HUSH BUT WE SERVE PONY MEAT

ON THURSDAYS.

THE NEXT ONE GOES OUT TO THE TOE

HOUNDS.

THAT'S MEMBERS OF THE FOOT

FETISH COMMUNITY.

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF

LUBE AND A BOX OF KLEENEX WITHIN

REACH.

>> GO BACK.

OH.

>> I'M OUT.

NO, I'M OUT.

>> Tosh: NOTHING A VIETMANESE

LADY AND A LITTLE PUMICE CAN'T

FIX.

>> HAVE YOU TO WAIT LIKE TWO

MORE FORTNIGHT.

>> Tosh: TWO FORTNIGHTS?

TAKE IT EASY, SHAKESPEARE.

HE'S NOT GOING LEAVE IT HANGING

ON THERE FOR ANOTHER 28 DAYS

I DID THE MATH FOR YOU GUYS.

THAT'S WHERE ALL THE NUTRIENTS

ARE.

YOU WANT TO SAVE THAT.

IT WILL MAKE A NICE BILLFOLD.

NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE

DISGUSTING AROUND HERE.

THE SHOW HAS RANGE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

THING?

KRISTIN CHENOWITH?

MY DOG WOULD LOVE TO CHEW ON

WHATEVER IT IS.

YOU'RE ADORABLE BUT I'M STILL

PUTTING YOU IN MY POTION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: BETTER THAN THE

HIGH-PITCHED GARBAGE TIMBERLAKE

JUST PUT OUT.

THE NEXT LADY MAY NOT BE AFRAID

OF HEIGHTS.

MAYBE SHE'S AFRAID OF REALLY

PRETTY VIEWS.

[ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> Tosh: VAIL JUST ISN'T THE

EXCLUSIVE WINTER GETAWAY IT USED

TO BE.

GONDOLA'S THE MOST MAJESTIC WAY

TO SNEAK ACROSS THE BORDER.

WHAT'S MORE DISTRACTING HER

SCREAMING OR HER TART LEMONY

CAMEL TOE?

I WONDER WHAT'S GOT HER SO

WORKED UP.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: THAT MAKES SENSE.

JIM CARREY SAYS YET TO THAT

PIECE OF [BLEEP] AND NO TO DUMB

AND DUMBER 2.

THIS NEXT KID IS GOING TO SLEEP

LIKE AN ANGEL TONIGHT AFTER

BREATHING SO MUCH DUMP TRUCK

EXHAUST.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: COME ON, OPRAH, WOULD

IT KILL YOU TO SPRING FOR A

COUPLE SCHOOL BUSSES TOO?

HIS PARENTS JUST NEED HIM TO

HANG ON UNTIL THE HONOR ROLL

BUMPER STICKER COMES IN THE

MAIL.

I KNOW IT'S THE LIFE BLOOD OF

THE SHOW BUT PUT DOWN THE GOPRO

AND OFFER HIM A RIDE.

SEE I HAVE A HEART.

I DON'T WANT HIM LATE FOR HIS

AFTER-SCHOOL MINING JOB.

HOW ELSE WILL HE BUY HIS YOUNGER

BROTHER'S FREEDOM FROM THE

MILITIA.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: BEING A WHITE BOXER'S

LIKE BEING A REPUBLICAN.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK

YOU'LL ALWAYS LOSE BECAUSE OF

THE MEXICANS.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE BARRAGE IN

THE GARAGE.

LET'S GET READY TO BREAKDOWN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: NOT AN OUNCE OF FAT ON

HIS 14-YEAR-OLD BODY.

WHAT WEIGHT CLASS IS HE IN?

FEMALE?

HE BOXES SHADOW BUT HE'S TOO

SCRAWNY TO CAST ONE.

I'M KNOT NO FREDDY ROACH BUT I

THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH SLACK ON

THE FEED BAG OR HE'S TRAINING

FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT TETHER

BALL MATCH OF HIS LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: YOU TELEGRAPH THAT

KICK.

TRY TO RIVER DANCE BEFORE YOU

STRIKE.

THEY'RE GOING TO SEE THAT

COMING.

THAT'S WHY IT'S COMMITTED TO

TAPE TO VIEW IT AND IRON OUT

YOUR FLAWS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: LET THIS SERVE AS A

REMINDER TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD

BULLIES IF YOU WANT TO TAKE

SOMEBODY'S LUNCH MONEY, THAT'S

YOUR GUY.

EVERY BOXER GETS BRAIN DAMAGE AT

DIFFERENT STAGES IN THEIR

CAREER.

WHAT KIND OF KNOT DID YOU TIE

THAT WITH?

BOW?

THE QUEEN OF KNOTS.

LEAVE THE ROPE.

YOUR DAD'S GOING TO NEED TO HANG

HIMSELF FROM EMBARRASSMENT.

I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE

PUNCHING BACK ON ITS FIRST

RECORDED VICTORY.

WE'LL BE BACK TO REDEEM THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HI, EVERYBODY.

MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THIS IS MY

LITTLE BUDDY CHARLIE.

>> I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OF COURSE

I'M YOUR FRIEND.

>> NO YOU'RE NOT.

>> CHARLIE, YOUR NOT EXACTLY THE

BEST TEAMMATE IN THE WORLD EVER.

>> YOU SHOULD TALK.

>> YOU PUT YOUR HAND UP MY --

>> UM.

>> NO.

>> UM, I'M JUST GONNA --

>> Tosh: MAYBE SHE'S SAVING HER

BEST STUFF FOR THE ENCORE.

I'M GLAD HE WASN'T AS SUCCESSFUL

AS SCRUBBING FROM THE INTERNET

AND THE ONLY WAY HER LIFE WOULD

HAVE GOTTEN WORSE IS IF SHE WAS

GOOD ENOUGH TO BECOME A

PROFESSIONAL VENTRILOQUIST.

IT'S A CAREER FOR PEOPLE WHO

KNOW THEY'RE NOT FUNNY.

BEING SCARED FROM THE DUMMY.

YOU WATCH THEIR NECK HAVE A

SEIZURE.

NOW COME JEFF DUNHAM IS THE BEST

AND DOESN'T KNOW TO WEAR A

TUTTLE NECK.

CAREER DOT COM HAS PUPPETEER AS

A TOP JOB.

THE MUPPETS ARE SATANIC.

ACCORDING TO THE BOOK OF

REVELATION.

WHEN PIGS LAY WITH FROGS IT'S A

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE BUT IF

CANDICE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP

WITH HER HAND I'D LIKE TO WATCH

SO I FLEW HER TO L.A.

>> IT'S ME, CANDICE.

>> Tosh: CANDICE, I'M AN OLD

PUPPET MAKER.

LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.

OH.

WHOA.

YOUR TITTIES ARE SO BIG.

SIT DOWN.

WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE MY LATEST

CREATION.

I CALL HIM LITTLE DANNY.

LITTLE DANNY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

WHAT GROWS WHEN HE TELLS A LIE.

YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

I THINK YOU'RE LYING TO ME,

DANNY.

OH, I HOPE HE TURNS INTO A REAL

BOY SOON.

I'M GETTING SO MANY SPLINTERS

AROUND MY B HOLE.

ARE YOU A VENTRILOQUIST?

>> YES, BUT NOT VERY GOOD ANY

MORE.

>> WERE YOU GOOD THEN?

>> AT THE LAST MINUTE THEY SAID

MY SCRIPT WAS TOO RANCHY AND

SAID I TO CHANGE IT.

>> Tosh: CLEAN JOKES ARE JUST

STUPID.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR PUPPET?

>> CHARLIE.

>> Tosh: WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

YOU BROUGHT HIM OUT.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE JOKES.

>> THAT HIS BOX WAS OLDER THAN

BETTY WHITE'S BOX.

NOT SCHOOL APPROPRIATE.

>> Tosh: WHAT ARE OTHER VOICES

YOU DO?

>> I CAN DO AN ITALIAN ACCENT.

>> Tosh: LATE ME HEAR IT.

>> LIKE A GUY IN THE CARTOON.

>> Tosh: MEXICAN?

>> NACHOS.

>> MAYBE THEIR PISSED.

>> Tosh: NO, THEY CAN'T.

THEY'RE HERE ILLEGALLY IN THE

FIRST PLACE WHAT WERE SOME

COMMENTS.

>> SOME WERE NICE AND SOME WERE

EXTREMELY NASTY.

>> Tosh: SORRY ABOUT THOSE.

I WAS BORED.

ARE YOU IN SCHOOL NOW?

>> IN COLLEGE.

>> Tosh: DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOU

FROM THE VIDEO STILL?

>> NO, THANK HEAVEN.

I NOTICED TWO THINGS ABOUT YOU.

HAVE YOUR BREASTS GOTTEN LARGER?

>> YES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: IS THAT THE LAST TIME

YOU PERFORMED?

>> YES, FIRST.

>> Tosh: FIRST AND LAST?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: I GOT YOU PERFORMING AT

THE ONLY VENUE FOR UNCENSORED

VENTRILOQUISM.

>> ISN'T THAT ONLY FOR THE BLACK

VENTRILOQUISTS?

>> Tosh: AND ONES THAT LIKE TO

ACT BLACK.

>> YEAH!

>> Tosh: WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE

ABLE TO HEAR THE SHOW.

>> WELCOME TO DEAF VENTRILOQUIST

JAM.

I'M YOUR HOST JAR MAR DENHAM.

>> Tosh: YEAH, MY FRIEND,

CANDICE.

>> LITTLE TYLER PERRY.

>> WE HAVE A LOT OF [BLEEP] IN

HERE TONIGHT.

I'M NOT GAY.

NO ONE SAID YOU WERE GAY.

THEY WERE THINKING IT.

I CAN TELL.

I'M LITTLE TYLER PERRY.

KNOCK-KNOCK.

>> WHO'S THERE?

>> MY UNCLE.

>> MY UNCLE WHO?

>> MY UNCLE WHO MOLESTED ME.

>> Tosh: THAT'S PERSONAL.

HE SHARED THAT WITH OPRAH.

>> WE'RE DIFFERENT.

>> BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE AND

BLACK.

>> NO, BECAUSE SHE KISSED A

GIRL.

I'M NO TYLER PERRY.

>> Tosh: HE STALLED ON THAT ONE.

>> READY TO SEE THE YOUR NEXT

VENTRILOQUIST.

RAISE YOUR MOTHER [BLEEP] PUPPET

HAND IN THE AIR AND MAKE IT SAY

YEAH.

THIS IS ONLY HER SECOND

PERFORMANCE.

GIVE IT UP FOR SOME WHITE CHICK.

DEEJAY, PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC.

>> Tosh: WE'RE NOT DOING IT FOR

THIS ONE?

OKAY.

>> HI, EVERYBODY.

MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THIS IS MY

BOYFRIEND DUANE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MOST

ABOUT YOU?

>> MY EYES.

MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

>> NO, YOUR CREDIT, BITCH.

>> I'LL LET YOU SMELL HER

FINGERS AFTER THE SHOW.

SOMETIMES I WONDER WHICH ONE OF

US IS THE REAL DUMMY.

YOU FOR THINKING I'LL STILL BE

WITH YOU AFTER YOU HAVE MY BABY

YOU UGLY LOOKING CRACKER.

>> Tosh: THAT PUPPET IS CRAY.

>> SHUT UP AND GET ME PIE.

>> THIS GIRL SAYS THE N WORD

WHEN SHE'S ALONE.

>> Tosh: THIS IS NOT THE CANDICE

I KNOW.

>> TAKE MY PANTS OFF MY BIG

WOODEN DICK.

WHO'S YOUR MOM AND DAD IN A

GLASS OF MILK.

GET OUT OF HERE YOU WHITE PIECE

OF [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: WELL DONE, CANDICE.

NOW DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR

TITS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

STANDING UP HERE READING FROM A

PROMPTER ISN'T AS --

[ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> THREE, TWO, ONE.

>> OH!

>> Tosh: I GUESS YOU CAN DO

WHATEVER YOU WANT IN AUGUSTA

SINCE THEY LET CONDI IN.

IT'S TIME RICH WHITE GUYS GET A

BREAK.

THEY HAVE TRUST FUNDS BUT THE

GUY WHO TOOK OUT BIN LADEN IS

PENNILESS?

GOOD JOB, AMERICA.

THEY MUST HAVE GOTTEN POLOS FROM

JOSEPH A. BANK.

ANY GUY CAN BALL GOLF.

TIME FOR I'M BETTER THAN YOU,

NA-NA NA-NA BOO BOO, STICK YOUR

HEAD IN DOO-DOO.

FOR THE RECORD WE HAT ONE MORE

PERSON THAN THEY DID AND THE

REASONAB

REASON I WASN'T STANDING NEXT TO

THEM IS IS BECAUSE I'M A LEFTY.

RESEARCH SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WHO

SEND IN VIDEOS LIKE WATCHING

THEM.

>> I'M THE BABYSITTER.

>> I LIKE BABIES.

>> I HAVE GAMES PLANNED.

IN THE BOTTLE.

TRUTH OR DARE.

DARES ONLY.

WE'RE GOING END THE NIGHT ON

SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN AGAIN.

NO, EIGHT MINUTES IN HEAVEN.

THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO END ANY

NIGHT, RIGHT.

WHERE'S YOUR BABIES?

IT WILL BE FINE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME.

I DO HAVE HERPES.

WHERE ARE YOUR BABIES SO I CAN

SIT ON THEM.

GET THAT?

A BABYSITTER.

>> Tosh: WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED

TO DO?

NOT GO TO DINNER.

THEY HAVE RESERVATIONS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF

THE CLINIC.

>> Tosh: HEY, GUYS, I'M WELL

AWARE YOU THINK I'M GETTING TO

BIG FOR MY BRITCHES SO IT'S

APPROPRIATE TO REMIND YOU OF THE

MISSION STATEMENT IN OUR OFFICE

BEHIND "TOSH.0" SINCE DAY ONE.

CREATE A SILLY WEB-BASED CLIP

SHOW THAT MAKES MALES BETWEEN

18-34 LAUGH AND CRINGE AT THE

LOWEST PRICE POINT ONE DAY I CAN

PURCHASE AN ISLAND.

NOTHING MORE, NOTHING ELSE.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I RETAIN

THIS STEALTHY NINJA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: HEY, GUYS.

I'M WELL AWARE YOU THINK I'M

GETTING TOO BIG FOR MY BRITCHES

SO REMINDING YOU OF THE MISSION

STATEMENT THAT HANGS IN OUR

OFFICE AND HAS BEEN THE GUIDING

PRINCIPLE BEHIND "TOSH.0" SINCE

DAY ONE.

CREATE A SILLY WEB-BASED CLIP

SHOW THAT MAKES MALES BETWEEN

18-34 LAUGH AND OCCASIONALLY

CRINGE AT THE LOWEST PRICE POINT

SO ONE DAY I CAN PURCHASE A

PRIVATE ISLAND.

THAT'S IT.

NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM

THIS STEALTHY NINJA.

REMIND ME TO REPLACE ALL MY

SMARTWATER WITH CHEAP DASANI.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BUT NOT IN

REAL LIFE OR I'LL HAVE YOU

ARREST AND GO TO OUR BLOG AND

BOOKMARK IS AND SEE ME DO

STANDUP ON THE JUNE GLOOM SHOW

WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.

THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE PERSON.

THAT'S THE ENTIRE CAST OF FAMILY

MATTERS AND I'M SURE HE WASN'T

ON THE SHOW.

GOD I WONDER WHAT RUDY LOOKS

LIKE NOW.

NOW BEFORE WE GO, I CANNOT TELL

YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED

ME TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THE

STUPID HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO.

THAT'S THE KIND OF CRAP TO MAKES

ME HATE THE INTERNET.

THAT'S ONE VIDEO I SORT OF LIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: OKAY.

I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS NOT A

HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO.

TURN OUT I STILL DON'T CARE WHAT

THOSE ARE.

THIS GUY JUST MIGHT HAVE

EPILEPSY.

HOPEFULLY HIS NEIGHBOR PEERING

OVER THE FENCE WILL TOSS HIM A

SPOON.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S TIME FOR MY FOURTH COFFEE

ENIMA OF THE DAY.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: HOW QUICKLY AFTER THE

PERFORMANCE DID IT GET UPLOADED?

>> A WEEK OR TWO.

I GOT BULLIED.

>> Tosh: PEOPLE BEAT YOU UP

BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO.