Original subtitles

>> SHE'S A LESBIAN BY THE WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> NOTHING A GIRLFRIEND'S TONGUE

WON'T HEAL.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

HAVE NO FEAR, TONIGHT MY HANDS

ARE COVERED IN CASHMERE.

NOT MY FINGER TIPS LIKE THE

WORLD'S FANSIEST HOBO AND THE

SKYLINE IS COLUMBIA, SOUTH

CAROLINA.

BREATHTAKING.

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY YOU CAN SEE

THE BALL COACH CRYING ABOUT

ANOTHER MEDIOCRE SEASON.

I LAWYER UP FOR THIS GUY'S

REDEMPTION AND PLAY IT'S RACEST

THOUGH WE ALL KNOW IT WILL BE

AND REJOICE IN THE FACT THAT MY

CONSEQUENCES HAVE GONE GLOBAL.

NOW LET'S WATCH THAT GIRL

SCISSOR HER CHAIR AGAIN.

>> HE'S A LESBIAN BY THE WAY.

>> THAT PATIO FURNITURE HAS GONE

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.

SHE'S FINE.

THE GAYS HAVE LESS FEELING IN

THEIR VAGINAS.

ALL RIGHT, IF SHE GETS BACK ON

HER POGO STICK AND DOES IT TWO

MORE TIMES SHE'LL BE CURED OF

LESBIANISM.

THIS GUY WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

>> HE FACING SERIOUS CHARGES AND

BACK IN A NEW PLACE WHERE PEOPLE

DON'T KNOW

YOU

>> DON'T YOU DARE TEMPT TO GO IN

MY BUSINESS.

YOU BETTER GET IT GONE BEFORE

THAT MAN GET HERE.

>> WE'LL BE CALLING POLICE AND

YOU'LL BE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT.

YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE.

SIR, YOU WERE HOLDING THE DOOR.

>> NO ONE INVITED YOU IN THERE.

>> AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US NOT TO

GO IN EITHER AND YOU JUST

PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE.

>> AND I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU

AGAIN.

>> YOU HAVE TO BE INVITED IN?

I DIDN'T REALIZE THESE WERE

VAMPIRE RULES.

EVERYONE WHO GOES TO JOURNALISM

SCHOOL DESERVES TO BE SOCKED IN

THE KISSER WITH ONE OF THESE AND

ONE OF THESE.

>> WE'LL BE CALLING POLICE AND

YOU'LL BE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT

SIR.

>> AND A-AFTERWARDS THE FASHION

POLICE WILL GET YOU FOR WEAR

PLAIDS.

YOU'LL BE DELIGHTED AT THE

AHEIGHT HE ACHIEVED HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: YOU JUST GOT MALCOLM

X'D.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST A GUESS BUT DID THAT AIRBAG

COME OUT OF A CHRYSLER 300?

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: AND YOU THOUGHT I

FORGOT ABOUT BLACK HISTORY

MONTH.

PLYOMETRICS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS IT, HELL,

NO ONE DOES.

I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, PUT ON A

WEIGHT STATION ON THE SPACE

STATION IS A WASTE OF DOLLARS.

YOU DO IT RIGHT WHEN SOMEONE

STOPS TO FILM YOU.

IF YOU CAN'T SEE KA IN VEGAS,

THIS IS A CLOSE SECOND.

THIS SILVERBACK GORILLA SOLVES

WORLD HUNGER.

ANIMALS THRIVE IN CAPTIVITY.

NOW I'M FULL.

NOW I'M HUNGRY AGAIN.

LOOK AT ALL THAT AIDS PUDDING.

WHAT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER IS

EATING IT OFF A GIRL GORILLA'S

TITTIES.

ARE YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF I

HOPE HE DOES IT AGAIN.

KOKO, WHAT'S SIGN LANGUAGE FOR

YOUR [BLEEP] DISGUSTING.

HE KEEPS PUKE UP THE SAME

[BLEEP] OVER AND OVER LIKE WES

ANDERSON.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, DANIEL

SEE, DANIEL DO.

>> PANCAKES.

>> ALL RIGHT, MONSTERS, EAT UP.

>> AFTER BREAKFAST I KILLED ONE

OF THOSE KIDS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T

SMELL RIGHT.

LOOK IT UP, EVOLUTION, CHAPTER

6, VERSES 21 THROUGH 24.

WHAT'S NEXT?

I THINK WE FOUND OUR NEXT POPE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NOW LET'S LEARN WHY THEY SAY

THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR

NAKED DUDES IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE NEW DIE

HARD MOVIE THERE'S STILL

ENTERTAINING THINGS GOING ON IN

RUSSIA.

SOMEONE'S ON PCP OR MAYBE

DOESN'T REALIZE THE LAKERS SUCK

RIOT IS THE NEXT STREET OVER AND

HE'S WEARING A RUSSIAN HAT.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO BLUR THIS.

THE PARKING LOT IS LAVA.

[LAUGHTER]

DO THEY EVEN HAVE KELLY BLUE

BOOK OVER THERE OR ARE ALL CARS

WORTH $400.

NEVER FIGHT A NAKED MAN.

WIN OR LOSE THE WEINER'S GOING

TO MASH UP AGAINST YOU AND NOW

THERE'S GRASS STAINS AND SKID

MARKS.

I'M STARTING TO SEE WHY ALL

THEY'RE WOMEN MAIL THEMSELVES TO

THE U.S.

HE'S A LUNATIC NOT A PARAKEET.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY NO ONE'S

AT WORK THERE IS NONE.

I'M GLAD GOD IS SPENDING METEORS

TO DESTROY THAT COUNTRY AND FOR

THAT WE THANK YOU AND WE'LL BE

BACK BUT THE FOUNDATION OF A

FRIENDSHIP IS TRUST BUT OF

COMEDY IT'S FRIENDS AND LET ME

PLAY YOU A PERSONAL INSANE VOICE

MAILS FROM COMEDIAN GREG HAHN.

>> DANIEL, THIS IS GREG HAHN

CALLING.

IT'S NOT A FUNNY VOICE MAIL JUST

BETWEEN ME AND YOU.

ARE WE STILL TAKING THIS

PROPEECIA STUFF?

WHAT'S YOUR DOCTOR SAY ABOUT IT?

>> YOU'LL BE HELD NO BOND SIR

ANYTHING FURTHER ORDER OF THE

COURT.

THANK YOU.

>> ARE YOU [BLEEP]ING KIDDING

ME?

>> WHAT DID HE SAY?

WHOA, WHOA, BRING HIM BACK.

SIR, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

>> I CALLED YOU A [BLEEP].

I APOLOGIZE I'M OUT OF LINE.

>> I'LL ACCEPT APOLOGY AND

SENTENCE YOU TO 60 DAYS IN THE

BROWARD COUNTY JAIL.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> CAN I TAKE THE [BLEEP] BACK

IN?

>> SIR, HOLD IT.

COME ON BACK, SIR.

SIR, I'M INCLINED TO HOLD YOU IN

CONTEMPT OF COURT AGAIN.

I'M GOING SENTENCE YOU TO

ANOTHER 60 DAYS TO RUN

CONSECUTIVE.

>> APPARENTLY THE JUDGE DOESN'T

UNDERSTAND HOW FREEDOM OF SPEECH

WORKS AND THAT'S BRIAN AND HE

SAID WHAT EVERYONE WAS THINKING.

JUDGES ARE BASICALLY PARENTS FOR

PEOPLE WHO HAD [BLEEP] ONCE.

THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THIS

SHOW'S A LAWYER AND HE'S TRIED

TO CONVINCE COMEDY CENTRAL TO

LET ME SAY [BLEEP].

DID IT GET BLEEPED?

HE LOST.

I'M NO LAW EXPERT I NEVER SAW A

FULL EPISODE OF LAW AND ORDER

BUT EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED

ONE OOPSIS AND THE SUPREME COURT

COMES WITH SOUR CREAM AND GUAC.

WHAT'S WITH THE WOODEN PEWS?

IT'S A GOOD THING WE MAKE PEOPLE

TELL THE TRUTH, WHOLE TRUTH AND

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

IF I KNOW CRIMINALS THEY'RE MEN

OF THEIR WORD AND THE PROBLEM

WITH THE SYSTEM IS THE INNOCENT

UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.

WHO KNOW WHO'S NOT BEING ACCUSED

OF UNDER AGE SEX TRAFFICKING?

INNOCENT PEOPLE AND WE HAVE THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

ALL RISE.

>> YOU REALLY DID IF THIS TIME

S&P

>> I KNOW, I MESSED UP.

>> I'LL HAVE YOU OUT IN NO TIME.

>> THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

GIVE ME --

>> I'M GOING TO PUT THIS AGAINST

THE WINDOW.

WHICH HOMOSEXUAL NEO NAZI PARTY

DID YOU JOIN IN THE PEN?

>> NONE OF THEM.

>> WHAT GOT YOU HERE IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

>> I GOT A PRESCRIPTION OF

MEDICATION AND I TOOK A STEAK

KNIFE AT MY DAD.

>> WHAT KIND?

>> A STEAK KNIFE.

MY DAD SAW IT.

>> WHAT HAPPENS IN THE

COURTROOM.

>> HE WAS BEING A DICK AND WHEN

HE WALKED AWAY I SAID SUCK MY

[BLEEP] AND WHEN I WENT BACK UP

I SAID I'M GOING TO THROW THE

WORD [BLEEP] IN.

>> DID YOU FEED OFF THE ENERGY

IN THE COURTROOM?

>> THAT'S WHY I GOT THE SECOND

CONTEMPT OF COURT AND I FIGURED

I'M SCREWED SO MIGHT AS WELL GET

ANOTHER LAUGH IN.

>> IT'S TOUGH.

YOU WANT TO GET IT IN.

DID YOU UNDERSTAND CONSECUTIVE?

DID ANYONE EVER SERVE LIKE

NONCONSECUTIVE LIKE ONE DAY IN,

ONE DAY OUT.

HOW LONG WERE YOU IN JAIL FOR?

>> 33 DAYS.

>> HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?

>> ACTUALLY I WAS.

BUT IT WAS INSTEAD OF TAKING

PROBATION I DECIDED TO DO JAIL

TIME.

>> IS THAT BETTER?

>> I'D PROBABLY BE BACK IN JAIL

IF I TOOK PROBATION.

>> LOOK AT YOU, PLAYING IT

SMART.

DO YOU BLAME THE HARVEY DENT

ACT?

>> RE FRESH MY MEMORY.

>> HARVEY DENT WAS MURDERED BY

BATMAN.

LOTS OF PEOPLE WENT TO JAIL BUT

IT WAS FOR IF HE BETTERMENT OF

GOTHAM.

>> I AGREE THEN.

>> BRIAN, ENOUGH OF GETTING TO

KNOW EACH OTHER LET'S GET

CONJUGAL.

>> I'LL PASS, MAN.

>> OKAY.

BUT I GOT YOU A RETRAIL AND HAVE

A BRILLIANT LEGAL DEFENSE DREAM

TEAM AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK I

ALSO BAKED YOU A CAKE.

THERE'S A FILE IN IT.

>> NEXT.

>> YOUR HONOR, IF IT PLEASE THIS

COURT I'D LIKE TO REMOVE THIS

LITERAL GAG ORDER FROM ANY

CLIENT.

>> I'LL ALLOW IT.

>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

WE'VE OFF TO A GOOD START.

[BLEEP].

>> WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

>> YOUR HONOR, I BELIEVE MY

CLIENT SAID IT'S KIND OF WARM IN

THIS COURTROOM AND I MUST AGREE.

>> WHERE'S YOUR LEGAL DREAM

TEAM?

>> I'M GOING STALL JUST TRY NOT

TO SAY [BLEEP].

YOUR HONOR, AND LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I HAVE

HERE A SWORN AFFIDAVIT THAT I'D

LIKE TO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE.

READ THAT BACK TO ME.

STRIKE THAT FROM THE RECORD.

THAT REMINDS ME OF -- WHOA.

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE

JOURNEY?

I BELIEVE IT WAS BENJAMIN

FRANKLIN, A YANKIE WHO SAID IT

BEST.

YAY THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE

SHADOW OF THE VALLEY OF DEATH --

NOW MY PAPI, GOT REST HIS SOUL

AND YOU, YOU SIR WILL PROBABLY

NEED MY COURT IN THE FUTURE.

JUST KEEP THAT.

>> STOP WASTING MY TIME OR I'LL

THROW AND YOU IN JAIL.

>> PERMISSION TO APPROACH THE

BENCH.

>> GRANTED.

>> I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

WHAT IS THAT MAHOGANY OR BIRCH?

LOVE A GOOD BIRCH MY GRAND

PAPPY, ORVILLE REDDENBACHER --

NO WIN WILL SEE THIS AS JURY

TAMPERING IF I OFFER THEM MY

GRAND PAPPY'S FINE KETTLE CORN.

HMM.

THAT FEELS RIGHT.

YOUR HONOR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

OF THE JURY, THE WHOLE CASE IS

ABOUT FREEDOM TO SAY WHAT WE

NEED TO SAY WHEN WE NEED TO SEE

IT LIKE REMIND ME TO PINCH YOUR

TITS AFTER THE TRIAL.

THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

I EXPRESSED HOW I FELT ABOUT HER

>> YOU BETTER BE GOING SOME

WHERE WITH THIS MR. DICE CLAY.

>> YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU'VE BEEN

AROUND.

MAYBE YOU'RE WEARING THAT ROBE,

THAT SEXY [BLEEP]ING ROBE IN

FRONT OF YOUR MIRROR WITH A

LITTLE [BLEEP] I CAN GRAB WITH

MY TEETH AND PULL RIGHT OUT OF

YOUR [BLEEP].

I MEAN, I'M THE TYPE OF GUY THAT

KNOWS HOW TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.

I'M THE TYPE OF GUY THAT WHEN

I'M IN BED WITH A CHICK I KNOW

WHEN TO USE THE [BLEEP] WORD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE

JURY, I CAN SUM THIS UP IN A FEW

WORDS, HICKRY, DICKORY DOCK, MY

CLIENT HAS IT THE RIGHT TO CALL

THAT JUDGE A [BLEEP].

OH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> CASE DISMISSED.

>> GET OVER HERE YOU [BLEEP]ING

ANIMAL YOU ARE.

>> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT

REDEMPTION YOU CAN FILE AN

APPEAL WITH THE DISTRICT OF I

DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP].

OH!

IT'S HARD TO REACH ALL THE WAY

AROUND.

FIRST HERE WE GO AGAIN.

PORCH WITH MEMA.

>> TOSH WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I

THINK ABOUT GIRLS THAT LIKE ANAL

SEX.

IT'S UNHEALTHY AND SHOULDN'T DO

>> IT'S ABOUT THE PRETTIEST TIME

OF YEAR THOUGH.

THE TREES LOOK SO NICE AND I

LOVE ALL THE NICE COVERS OUT

THERE AND SPEAKING OF THE COLORS

WE HAVE TYLER WEIR.

[LAUGHTER]

.

>> THANKS, GUYS.

>> UH-OH.

THAT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE OF

CALLING THEIR CO-WORKER COLORED

AND I HAVE COME UP WITH TERMS

THAT HAVE NO RATION CONNOTATION

WHAT SO EVER AND TO MAKE SURE

THEY'RE SAFE A TESTED THEM WITH

A DIVERSE FOCUS GROUP.

IT'S TIME FOR IS IT RACIST.

>> THANK YOU FOR COMING I'D LIKE

TO RAISE YOUR HAND WHENEVER YOU

FEEL THE TERM I USE IS

OFFENSIVE.

CREAM JOCKEY.

OKAY.

WATER FLAP.

HERE COMES THE PACK OF WATER

FLAPS.

LOCK UP YOUR DOGS.

>> IT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.

>> OKAY.

SUGAR TASTER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK HE

TASTES SUGAR.

>> WHY DO YOU POINT TO THE BLACK

PERSON?

>> THEY --

>> THEY?

SADDLE SHIN?

>> WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

>> A BUNCH OF STINKAL SADDLE

SHINS.

>> USE IN SENTENCE.

>> I DID.

CLINK-CLUNK.

>> HEY, WE DID THE RAIL ROAD AND

ALL THE WORK AND YOU COME BACK

TO USE THAT KIND OF TERM?

>> ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE

IT'S JUST THE WORD CLINK-CLUNK.

>> I DON'T LIKE IT.

>> IT SOUNDS KIND OF OFFENSIVE.

>> IT'S ALL GOOD RESEARCH GUYS,

THANK YOU.

BISCUIT NECK.

GOD HELP US IF WE EVER HAVE A

BISCUIT NECK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

WHAT OFFENDS YOU?

>> YOU SHOULDN'T SAY IT.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING

TOWARDS WHITES.

>> YOU THOUGHT IT WAS NEGATIVE

TOWARDS WHITES?

>> YEAH.

>> I APPRECIATE IT.

SPOON FACE.

>> ASIANS MIGHT THINK YOU'RE

THINKING ABOUT THEM UP

>> THINK IT'S A SLAM.

>> YEAH, SPOON FACE.

>> APPLE PICKER.

WHY ARE YOU OFFENDED?

>> NO ONE CALLS ME AN APPLE

PICKER.

>> WHAT IF YOU WERE TO PICK AN

APPLE.

>> I STILL WOULDN'T BE AN APPLE

PICKER.

>> WHAT ABOUT PINTO?

>> NO.

>> WATER FLAPS?

>> NO.

>> CHIN FLAPS?

>> NO.

DOOR DONKEY?

>> HELL, NO.

>> TEN EYES.

>> OKAY.

>> THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR TIME.

YOU CAN COLLECT YOUR TEN DOLLARS

ON YOUR WAY OUT.

>> TEN DOLLARS?

>> YEAH, YOU SPOON-FACE

APPLE-PICKER.

BE CAREFUL WITH THE TERMS, GUYS.

IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

I'M SURE YOU CAN'T SAY SLIPPERY

SLOPE.

PEOPLE CLAIM VIEWER VIDEOS

AREN'T FUNNY AND THEY ONLY HAVE

TO BE FUNNY AND I HAVE A QUEER

SENSE OF HUMOR.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

>> BULIMIA, BULIMIA, DON'T EAT,

DON'T PURGE, EAT A HEALTHY DIET.

BULIMIA WILL HURT YOU.

YOU MIGHT PUKE UP A TINY MAN AND

LOSE YOUR MIND.

>> DUH.

IF BULIMIA WAS SAFE EVERYBODY

WOULD BE DOING IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF

THE SWEET SPOT.

>> ELCOME ACBAY.

THAT'S BIG LATIN.

THANKS ROSETTA STONE.

OR SHOULD I SAY ANKSTHAY.

>> UM, I'M JUST GONNA --

[LAUGHTER]

>> TAKING THE MICROPHONE WITH

YOU IS THE ONLY WAY TO ASSURE

YOU'LL WIN THE TALENT CONTEST.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.

IF YOU DON'T SEE NEW TWEETS IT'S

BECAUSE I OPENED A NEW ACCOUNT

AT SAD TWITTER TOSH FOR WHEN I'M

SAD.

GO TO MY BLOG.

WHO AM I KIDDING YOU'RE PROBABLY

THERE NOW AND JOIN ME ON THE

JUNE GLOOM TOUR WHICH STARTS IN

MAY WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.

THAT'S NOT HIM.

THAT'S THE CRAZY TAN LADY.

THAT'S THE CLOSEST TO WHAT HE

LOOKS LIKE.

HOPEFULLY WE'LL GET IT RIGHT

NEXT WEEK.

NOW IN THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED

SEASON PREMIER I INVENTED A NEW

GAME CALLED SPORTS OR

CONSEQUENCE AND SINCE WRITING

FRESH CONTENT EACH WEEK IS HARD

I ASK YOU TO SEND IN YOUR OWN.

>> SPORTS OR CONSEQUENCES.

A RUBBER BAND SNAP TO THE

NIPPLES.

WHEW!

>> TWO, THREE.

[ SCREAMING ]

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S BEHIND US.

STATE TROOPER.

>> THE LAST TWO IDIOTS DID SUCH

A GOOD JOB THEY GOT ARRESTED

WHILE I FULLY SUPPORT AND ENJOY

WHAT THEY DID I DO NOT CONDONE

IT AND TONIGHT'S WHERE'S DANIEL

IS TOUGH BUT HERE'S A HINT.

I'M SOME WHERE TOWARDS THE

MIDDLE OF YOUR SCREEN.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ARE

>> HOW ABOUT [BLEEP]ING IN

PUBLIC.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE IN YOUR

CELL?

>> THREE.

>> AND YOU ASKED THEM TO LEAVE

WHILE YOU POOP?