Original subtitles

>> COME ON, WHISKERS.

BE FREE, GO.

GET ON OUT.

GOOD LUCK.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

>> I FEEL RELIEVED.

UM, IT'S NOT GOING TO WAKE ME UP

IN MY BED ANY MORE.

KIND OF SAD.

I JUST GOT TO KNOW HIM.

OH, NO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NO!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: JOKES ON YOU HAWK THAT

RODENT'S BEEN UP HIS BUTTHOLE.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

I DECIDED TO WEAR SOMETHING

LOW-KEY TO CONCENTRATE ON THE

JOKES AND NOT MY CASHMERE.

I BELIEVE THE SKYLINE IS KANSAS

CITY.

CAN'T TELL IF IT'S MISSOURI OR

KANSAS.

I KNOW ONE HAS FOUR PERCENT MORE

WHITES.

TONIGHT I RUIN THE OSCARS BEFORE

SETH McFARLAND HAS A CHANCE TO

AND INTRODUCE TO YOU MY

WELL-RESTED PERSONAL TRAINER.

WHAT'S THE OLD SAYING?

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IF IT

FREE.

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING THEN DON'T

SET IT FREE DURING HAWK

BREAKFAST HOURS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO EVERY

SOLDIER'S GIRLFRIEND WHEN HE

SHIPPED OUT.

HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.

MAYBE THE HAWK WAS GIVING HIM A

LIFT TO AN ANIMAL PARTY SOME

WHERE.

MAYBE.

THE VIDEO'S INSPIRED ME TO CATCH

THE RATS RUNNING AMUCK IN MY

OFFICE.

NOW.

TOTALLY GOT YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: YOU'RE MINE NOW.

YOU'RE MINE.

RIGHT AFTER I RELEASED THE

WRITERS KIMMEL SWOOPED IN AND

HIRED THEM.

GET OFF MY LAWN, JIMMY.

INTERNET VIDEOS ARE MY THING.

STICK TO BASHING LENO THOUGH YOU

HAVE ADD MUCH STANDUP CRED

THAT'S BACHELOR REJECT YOU HAVE

TONIGHT.

WITH THAT SAID I'D LOVE TO GO TO

YOUR PIZZA PARTY.

THIS GUY CAN SAY GOOD-BYE TO HIS

GOOD DRIVER DISCOUNTS.

IF YOU SNORT ENOUGH BLOW ANY

LANE IS A PASSING LANE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WAIT.

THAT'S HIS GHOST GETTING OUT OF

THE CAR, RIGHT?

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT

COMEDY CENTRAL DOESN'T NEED TO

KNOW ABOUT THE OTHER GUY IN THE

CAR.

THIS NEXT PERFORMER IS MAKING

HER NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT AND

TIME TO JAM OUT WITH YOUR CLAM

OUT

[***]

>> Tosh: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

NOT ONE LESSON.

I BET HER VAGINA IS COVERED IN

CALLUSES.

NOW LETS PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CROCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

TAYLOR SWIFT CAN LEARN

SELF-RESPECT FROM HER.

THAT'S SLASH'S SISTER, GASH.

THAT'S HOW YOKO GOT JOHN.

MUMFORD AND SONS CAN USE HER.

IF JEWEL CAN PLAY GUITAR WITH

HER [BLEEP] SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE

BEEN HOMELESS.

HOLD ON.

THAT COULDN'T BE.

>> MOM, MY SISTER'S BEEN PLAYING

MY GUITAR AGAIN.

>> Tosh: HEY, YOU IGNORED THE

WARNING AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW I

URGE YOU TO GO BACK AND LISTEN

CAREFULLY.

GO AHEAD.

I'LL WAIT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: OKAY.

GOOD.

[ MULTIPLE CHATTER ]

>> WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

>> Tosh: ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL

DUDES' NIGHT.

TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T CLEANER

SOURCES OF WATER IN THAT

BATHROOM.

YOU KNOW YOU MADE A BAD DECISION

WHEN STICKING YOUR HEAD IN THE

TOILET'S THE BEST OPTION.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: I'M INTRIGUED.

GOOD THING YOU CLOSED THE DOOR

SO NOBODY COULD SEE THE FILTHY

THING YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE

DEPRESSING LITTLE CORNER OF

AMERICA KNOWN THAT'S

SELF-SERVICE CAR WASH.

PERFECT FOR THE DISCERNING

CUSTOMER WHO CAN'T AFFORD A

HOSE.

THIS FOUL LADY POOPED HER PANTS

IN THE CAR.

I BLAME THE McRIBS.

CRAPPING YOURSELF IS LIKE A RITE

OF PASSAGE LIKE A BARMITZVAH FOR

YOUR BUTTHOLE.

NOT SURE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

CLEAN SUCH TENDER SKIN WITH 1400

POUNDS OF WATER PRESSURE BUT I'D

BE LYING IF I SAID I WASN'T

CURIOUS.

SHE'S A BIG RIG.

YOU MIGHT NEED MORE QUARTERS.

DON'T FORGET TO SHAMPOO THE

CARPET.

I'M STILL NOT 100% SURE HE KNOWS

HER.

IT MAY BE A GUY FROM THE NEXT

BAY DOING HER A SOLID.

YOU MAY GET A TRIPLE FOAM WAX.

SOMEBODY SPRANG FOR THE CAR

WASH.

WHAT SCENT IS THAT?

WHERE'S THE MEXICANS TO DRY HER

OFF?

BLAST THE DIRTY DRAWERS IN THE

NEXT STALL.

I KEEP A TIDE PEN IN THE CAR.

WE HAVE A MINUTE LEFT.

I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T TAKE OF THE

FECES AT THE CAR WASH.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH OUR FIRST

EVER OSCAR SPOILER ALERT.

BEFORE WE GO, YOU KNOW THE ONE

>> AND NOW TO PRESENT THE OSCAR

FOR BEST PICTURE, DANIEL TOSH.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU.

I'M HONORED TO BE HERE WITH THE

MOST TALENTED FOLKS IN SHOW

BUSINESS AND SETH McFARLAND.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME OR

FROM COLORING.

.

CHRISTIAN BALE.

I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

AND NOW THE AWARD FOR BEST

PICTURE OF THE YEAR.

OUR FIRST NOMINEE IS A MOVIE

ABOUT THE GUY ON THE PENNY AND

HIS INSUFFERABLE WIFE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

LINCOLN.

>> THE WAR'S ABOUT TO COME TO AN

END AND THE WRITING'S ON THE

WALL.

THE SOUTH'S IS GOING TO LOOSE.

LINCOLN KNOWS HE HAS TO GET THE

AMENDMENT PASS.

THE DEMOCRATS ARE ASSHOLES.

EVERY CHANCE IS -- YOU WANT ME

TO TELL YOU A LONG, LONG, STORY.

HONEST ABE HAD TO LIE, CHEAT,

STEAL AND IT WINS.

IT WINS BIG.

IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER HE WOULD

HAVE BEEN IF THE FAT [BLEEP]

WIFE OF HIS WOULD HAVE SHUT HER

MOUTH OCCASIONALLY.

NOW HE HAS TO GO TO A PLAY

BECAUSE HIS WHINEY BITCH OF A

WIFE IS NEVER HAPPY.

I JUST FREED A RACE OF PEOPLE.

I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE SHOT

HIMSELF AND SOMEBODY COOL OUT ON

THE STAGE AND SAYS THE

PRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT AND THAT'S

HOW THE MOVIE ENDS.

THE ONE IN THE I WANTED TO SEE,

THE WHOLE MOVIE AND YOU'RE NOT

GOING TO SHOW IT TO ME?

LINCOLN.

>> IF YOU LOVE BENNY AND JUNE

AND HATED INVINCIBLE YOU MAY BE

ABLE TO SIT THROUGH OUR NEXT

NOMINEE.

A SPOILER ALERT FOR SILVER

LINING'S PLAYBOOK.

>> SO I WANT TO [BLEEP] MRS.

PARKER.

HE WANTS HIS WIFE BACK.

WE SHOW YOU THE FLASHBACKS.

OPENS UP THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND

SHE'S GETTING [BLEEP]ED BY THE

GYM TEACHER AND GETS SENT OFF

AND WHO'S THE WIFE?

JULIA STILES.

IMMEDIATELY ANNOYED AND THE NEW

iPHONE COMES OUT AND IT'S A NEW

CONNECTOR.

NOW YOU'RE HOUSE IS DATED.

SHE, JULIA STILES INVITES HER

FRIEND OVER, HUNGER GAMES CHICK.

HOT BUT FACE NO GOOD.

IT HELPS HIM GET HIS WIFE BACK

BY DELIVERING A LETTER AND IN

RETURN HE AGREES TO BE HER DANCE

PARTNER.

HE'S GOING ALL IN ON THE NEXT

BET.

EAGLES-COWBOYS GAME AND NO ONE

IN PHILLY IS GOING TO A DANCE

COMPETITION WHEN THE EAGLES ARE

PLAYING.

HERE'S THE DANCE AND IT'S GOING

TO BE FUNNY AND SHE JUMPS LIKE

[BLEEP] FACE AND SHOCKING.

HUGE BOOBS.

SILVER LININGS PLAY BOOK.

IN THE NEXT MOVIE THIS IS A

SPOILER ALERT FOR JENGO

UNCHAINED.

>> JAMIE FOXX IS A SLAVE AND A

GERMAN DENTIST OFFERS TO BUY HIM

AND TURNS HIM INTO A BOUNTY

HUNTER WHEN LEONARDO DiCAPRIO

SAID THE N WORD.

IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN UPSTAIRS

ACTIVITY.

HE COMES UP WITH A PLAN TO GET

HIS WIFE BACK.

HOW ABOUT JUST HAVE THE WHITE

GERMAN GO TO THE RANCH?

I HAVE THIS ONE THAT SPEAKS

GERMAN.

CAN I HAVE HER AND THE MOVIE'S

OVER.

QUINTON DOESN'T DO THAT AND

LEONARDO DiCAPRIO ASKED

EVERYBODY IF THEY'D LIKE TO GO

TO THE PARLOR FOR WHITE CAKE AND

JONA HILL MAKES A CAMEO AND

QUI

QUINTON MOVIE AND EVERYBODY'S

DEAD AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY

TIMES THEY HAD THE N WORD BUT IT

SEEMED RIGHT AND THAT'S THE

MOVIE.

TEEN BOYS FROM INDIA, TIGER AND

A BEAUTIFUL OCEAN BACKDROP AND

ALL THAT YOU'LL STILL HATE THE

[BLEEP]ING MOVIE.

IT'S A SPOILER ALERT FOR LIFE OF

PI.

THE BOAT SINKS AND THE ONLY ONE

TO SURVIVES IS PI, THE SAILOR

AND MOTHER AND THEY MADE UP A

STORY FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS

AND THAT'S COMPLETE BULL

[BLEEP].

LIFE OF PI.

THE NEXT NOMINEE IS A FOREIGN

FILM WITH SUB TITLES ABOUT TWO

OLD FRENCH PEOPLE.

I'M SURE MY AUDIENCE WILL LOVE

IT.

IT'S A SPOILER ALETTER FOR

AMORE.

>> WHAT'S IT NOMINATED?

IT'S NOT AN AMERICAN FILM.

NOT TO MENTION THE SUB TITLES.

I GET TO READ AND SHE HAS A

STROKE AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

MOVIE YOU COULD SEE HER TITTY.

NO ONE'S IN SIGHT AND SHOVES IT

OVERHEAD AND THE STROKE LEG WAS

MOVING.

I'D LIKE TO POINT IT OUT.

DEAD.

AMORE.

THANKS FOR AN ALMOST THREE-HOUR

RUNNING TIME EVERY WHO WATCHED

IT KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO

BE TORTURED FOR ZERO-DARK

THIRTY.

GEORGE BUSH LET US TORTURE

TERRORISTS.

THIS WOMAN'S BEEN ASSIGNED SHE'S

EYE GINGER.

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.

THAT'S RACIST BUT THAT'S WHAT

THE CIA'S SAYING AND THEY SAID

WE WOULD NEVER GIVE SOMEBODY A

LAMBORGHINI.

EVERY SCENE THE RED HEAD IS IS

COMPLAINING.

THREE MORE HOURS AFTER ARGUING.

WE CAN'T DO IT.

WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.

WE FOUND THE MONEY AND THE POOR

NEIGHBORHOOD IN PAKISTAN THERE'S

A MANSION WHICH IS EXCITING

BECAUSE NOW IT'S ABOUT MEN AND

THEY STORM IN AND SHE STARTS

CRYING BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL.

THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS TRUE EXCEPT

FOR ONE PART, THE HOT RED HEAD

WAS A FAT OLD MAN AND THAT WAS

ZERO-DARK THIRTY.

THE NEXT NOMINEE WINS I SWEAR TO

CHRIST I WILL SLIT MY THROAT ON

THE STAGE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR LESS

MISERABLES.

YOU CAN SAY IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T

HAVE CULTURE OR UNEDUCATED.

I HATE PLAYS.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS SONG AND

THEN TALK.

EVERY WORD IS SANG.

WITH THAT SAID LOOK DOWN,

WOLVERINE IS PULLING, BY THE WAY

IF YOU WANT ANY OF THESE SONGS

TO SOUND LIKE A REAL SONG THEY

WILL NOT.

HOW IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE BASED ON

STEALING BREAD THE ONE THING

THAT'S FREE AT EVERY FAVORITE

RESTAURANT AND LATER ANNE

HATHAWAY GETS FIRED BECAUSE

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A KID

AND SHE CUT HER HAIR AND SHE'S

NOW A WHORE.

SHE'S GETTING [BLEEP] AND THEN

DECIDES THIS IS A BAD 24 HOURS.

TEN YEARS LATER THE FRENCH

REVOLUTION BEGAN.

THAT'S NOW AMANDA SIEGFRIED.

RUSSEL CROWE'S LIKE I CAN'T LIVE

WITH THE FACT I LET THE GUILTY

MAN GO AND WOLVERINE DIDN'T SEE

HIM DIE SO HE THINKS HE'LL CHASE

HIM SO MENTALLY TELLS HIMSELF TO

DIE AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS AND

IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME DID

YOU KNOW DURING THE MOVIE THEY

REALLY SANG?

I WOULD SAY YA I [BLEEP]ING

BELIEVE IT IT DOESN'T SOUND

GOOD.

LES MIS.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT.

THIS LITTLE GIRL'S CUTE.

SEAS ABOUT SWAMP PEOPLE HORDERS

BUT THERE'S A BIG STORM COMING

AND SHE WALKS AROUND GOING DADDY

DOESN'T COME HOME SOON I'LL HAVE

TO EAT MY PETS.

THEY HALLOW OUT AN ALLIGATOR AND

FILL IT WITH GASOLINE AND PUT IT

NEXT TO THE LEVY TO BLOW IT UP

AND THERE'S A FLOATING STRIP

CLUB AND GOES BACK TO SEE HER

DAD AND HE'S DEAD AND SHE HAS

AIDS AND THAT'S BEAST OF THE

SOUTH RIVAL.

ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT FOR ARGO.

DOING A SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS

IS INSANE.

WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

THE U.S. EMBASSY GETS TAKEN

OVER.

THERE WERE HOSTAGES FOR 444 DAYS

THEY MADE THE MOVIE ABOUT THE

SEVEN PEOPLE THAT SNUCK OUT DOWN

THE STREET EAT GOING FOOD AND

COMPLAINING THEY CAN'T GO

OUTSIDE.

NOT THE 52 PEOPLE THAT WERE

TORTURED.

THAT WHY IT SHOULDN'T WIN BEST

PICTURE.

THESE ARGO.

AND THE WINNER IS...

BATMAN.

YOU KNOW IT'S THE BEST MOVIE OF

THE YEAR.

IT MADE A BILLION AND YOU'RE NOT

GOING TO NOMINATE IT?

AMORE.

[BLEEP] YOU.

>> Tosh: TO SEE THE LONGER LESS

ENTERTAINING VERSION WATCH THE

OSCARS ON ABC.

WE'LL BE BACK BUT FIRST YOUR

DICK OF THE WEEK.

>> IT'S STRONGER OFF THE MARKET

OFF THEIR HIGHS.

STOCK IN DEX FUTURES ON THE

BRIGHT SIDE.

DOW JONES FUTURES UP THREE

>> I HAVE A PHYSICAL GIFT.

I'M NOT SAYING I'M IN THE BEST

NOT WORLD BUT I'M A PHYSICAL

GIFT.

A KEEP GETTING STRONGER, BOYS.

SOON.

YES.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY

CHEST.

MUSCLE DEFINITION OF A MAN'S

CHEST MEANS NOTHING.

NOTHING.

>> Tosh: THAT JABBA THE HUNK IS

PAUL AND BELIEVES FITNESS GOES

HAND AND HAND WITH COZINESS AND

JUMPED IN BED WITH HIM TO AGAIN

HE GET JACKS.

I DO 30 OF THESE A DAY.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE IN ABS.

>> Tosh: WHY ARE CURLS SO

IMPORTANT TO YOU?

>> I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSCULAR

DEFINITION.

IT'S PHYSICAL VANITY.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT

YOUR WEIGHT?

>> I DON'T CARE IF I WEIGHT 500

POUNDS I JUST CARE I'M LIVING

FOR GOD NUMBER ONE AND PROMOTING

GOD, NUMBER TWO.

NUMBER THREE, THAT MY DUMMBELL

CURLS ARE GETTING STRONGER.

>> Tosh: SO IT'S GOD, GOD, THEN

DUMMBELL CURLS ALL THE WAY AT

THREE?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU WORK OUT IN

THE BED SO MUCH IN YOUR VIDEOS?

>> ISOLATES THE BICEP MORE.

>> Tosh: I GOT YOU A DUMMBELL.

>> PERFECT.

BRING IT RIGHT UP.

>> Tosh: WHOO.

>> STAND OFF YOU CAN PROBABLY DO

TWICE THE WEIGHT IF YOU CHEAT.

>> Tosh: I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT.

I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT MY BODY

AND I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT MY

SOUL.

WHAT DO PROFESSIONAL BODY

LIFTERS THINK OF YOUR TECHNIQUE?

>> THEY'RE CRITICAL BUT THEY'RE

JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE

THE RELIGIOUS AND PHYSICAL

STRENGTH IT TAKES BELIEF IN THE

LORD.

>> Tosh: I AGEE.

>> I HAVE THE 150 POUND

DUMMBELL.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

>> Tosh: YEAH.

OH, THAT'S A BIG WEIGHT.

>> IT'S MY PRIDE.

IT'S MY JOY.

>> Tosh: THAT'S A VANITY PLAY

BUT CAN YOU FLEX FOR ME.

>> GREAT.

>> Tosh: OH, YEAH.

YOUR CHEST IS ENORMOUS TOO AS

WELL.

>> YOU KNOW, I'VE DEVELOPED

LOOSE BREAST TISSUE.

>> Tosh: EVEN SOME GENERAL

WORKOUT TIPS I CAN DO EVERYDAY

IN MY BED.

>> A HAMMER DUMMBELL CURL.

>> Tosh: I'VE DONE THAT TO MY

FACE BEFORE.

IT'S A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION.

WHAT WOULD JESUS CURL?

>> ANYTHING HE WANTED BECAUSE

HE'S CAPABLE OF MIRACLES BUT A

MAN OF HIS SIZE PROBABLY 35

POUNDS.

>> Tosh: THANKS, PAUL.

>> THANK YOU, MR. TOSH.

>> Tosh: I FORGOT TO ASK HIM

WHAT BLACK JESUS CAN CURL?

GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A

VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO BE ON THE

SHOW.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

>> SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WE'RE SO DESPERATE FOR

VIEWER VIDEOS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THIS

SHOW WILL GET YOU HIGH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

IF YOU WERE SURPRISED LEGLESS

BLADE RUNNER GUY KILLED HIS

GIRLFRIEND, DON'T BE.

HE'S PART ROBOT AND EVERY KNOWS

ROBOTS HATE HUMEANS.

NEXT WEEK I PUT THE ENTIRE LEGAL

SYSTEM ON TRIAL.

>> WHOA.

PUT HIM BACK.

WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN YOU WALKED

WAY?

>> I CALLED YOU A [BLEEP]

BECAUSE YOU'RE --

>> DID YOU?

>> Tosh: JUDGE, IF YOU DON'T

WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH DON'T

MAKE PEOPLE SWEAR IN.

LOG IN TO TWITER AND LOG IN TO

OUR BLOG AND WATCH MY DO STANDUP

ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR WITH

JARROD CARMICHAEL.

THAT'S NOT JARROD CARMICHAEL.

HE'S DORNER.

HE'S DEAD.

IF YOU SEE A FAT LL COOL J IN

MEXICO ON HORSEBACK, THAT'S

WORTH A PRETTY PESO.

STAY TUNED FOR THE JESELNIK

HOW COME NOBODY DIES WHEN THEY