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THROWING UP SOUNDS]
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[APPLAUSE]
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IT WAS EITHER THIS OR WATCH A
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VOLUPTUOUS 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL EAT
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HER TAMPON.
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WELCOME TO THE SEASON 5 PREMIERE
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OF TOSH.0.
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I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU IT'S OUR
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FINAL SEASON, BUT YOU THE FANS
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KEEP DEMANDING MORE.
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NOT REALLY.
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THE TRUTH IS, THIS SHOW IS JUST
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TOO CHEAP FOR COMEDY CENTRAL NOT
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TO PICK IT UP.
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AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE A BRAND
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NEW FAKE SET.
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IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT CITY
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THAT IS, IT'S THE ICONIC
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TITUSVILLE SKYLINE.
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NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF FASHION
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BLOGS HAVE SPECULATED OVER THIS
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SEASON'S NEW LOOK.
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AND I'M PROUD TO FINALLY BREAK
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MY SILENCE AND ANNOUNCE THAT IN
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2013 I WILL BE WEARING NOTHING
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BUT THE FINEST --
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-- CASHMERE.
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THANKS TO MY GOOD BUDDIES IN LED
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ZEPPELIN FOR WRITING THAT LITTLE
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WARDROBE REVEAL JINGLE.
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NO TOUCHING.
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GET YOUR OWN.
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CASHMERE IS HIGHLY SENSITIVE TO
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THE OIL ON POOR PEOPLE'S
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FINGERS.
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MAN, THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON I
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ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT
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TONIGHT'S SHOW.
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HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHETHER TO
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STAY TUNED?
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, I REDEEM
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THIS SOULLESS GINGER...
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I SHOW YOU WHY I'M THE GREATEST
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ATHLETE OF MY GENERATION, OF THE
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PEOPLE WHO WORK IN MY OFFICE --
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AND I TEXT CREEPY PICTURES TO
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TOTAL STRANGERS.
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NOW, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH MORE
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THAT BULIMIC BIELEBER HAS IN
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HIM.
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THAT IS THE WORST CASE OF BIEBER
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FEVER EVER.
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IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT
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SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY AT
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ONE OF HIS CONCERTS.
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SORRY, JUSTIN.
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YOU DON'T GET TO KILL A
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PAPARAZZI WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
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KEEP YAKKING, BIEBER DOES NOT
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DATE CHUBBY DUDES.
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IF THIS NEXT VIDEO DOESN'T GET
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YOU JAZZED FOR SWEET CORN
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SEASON, NOTHING WILL.
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FROM NOW ON, ANYONE WHO EATS A
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COB OF CORN BY HAND IS A DAMN
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FOOL.
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HOW DO YOU GO TO ALL THAT
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TROUBLE AND NOT STICK IT IN YOUR
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OTHER CORN HOLE?
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WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS AFTER I
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FINISH A FULL ROTATION, PUT IT
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IN REVERSE.
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CATCH THE STRAGGLERS.
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ANNE HATHAWAY COULD DO THAT IN
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HALF THE TIME.
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SHE HAS LIKE FOUR ROWS OF TEETH,
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I THINK.
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THE FASTER YOU EAT YOUR VEGGIES,
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THE SOONER YOU CAN HAVE DESSERT.
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GOD HELP YOU IF YOU TRY THAT
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WITH A TWIN POP.
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THIS NEXT GUY'S REALTOR FORGOT
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TO MENTION THAT INGLEWOOD IS
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ALWAYS UP TO NO GOOD.
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ALWAYS.
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HE'S MAKING HIS WAY OFF TO LAX
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AGAIN.
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HOLY CRAP.
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THAT'S WHY EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD
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OWN A SPIKE STRIP.
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MAYBE NOT THE BEST NEIGHBORHOOD
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TO SHOW OFF YOUR FLAT SCREEN AND
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IPHONE.
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A GROUND LEVEL UNIT IN THE
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GHETTO IS LIKE HAVING FRONT ROW
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SEATS TO A TOM CRUISE ACTION
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FLICK,
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EXCEPT IN THIS ONE, TOM DOESN'T
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DO HIS OWN STUNTS, AND HIS STUNT
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DOUBLE IS ALWAYS BLACK.
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NOBODY WITH THAT PENIS SHOULD
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EVER CONSIDER SUICIDE.
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HOW COME COOL LIKE THAT HAPPENS
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IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?
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THAT WAS OUR OFFICE?
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HERE'S WHY I ONLY WRESTLE BOYS
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IN THE DARK.
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YEAH.
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WHATEVER.
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HOLY SUCKER.
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I BET HE JUST HAD A REALLY GOOD
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IDEA.
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WE'RE GONNA TO NEED A MEDIC AND
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AN ELECTRICIAN.
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THE GHOST OF OWEN HART HAS BEEN
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HAUNTING THAT MIDDLE SCHOOL FOR
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YEARS.
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I WISH THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO RAY
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LEWIS EVERY TIME HE STARTS TO
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DANCE.
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I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THE
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MOUTH OF THE SOUTH JIMMY HART
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WAS BEHIND THIS.
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IF YOU'RE TOO CHUNKY TO TAKE
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YOUR SHIRT OFF AT THE BEACH,
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YOU'RE TOO CHUNKY TO DO THIS --
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READY.
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HE'S GOING TO DO IT.
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HOLY CRAP.
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HOLY CRAP.
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I'D SAY TRY NOT TO PUT TOO MUCH
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WEIGHT ON IT, BUT THAT DOESN'T
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SEEM LIKELY.
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EVERYONE WHO'S EVER WORN A
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LIVESTRONG BRACELET, KNOW THAT
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KARMA'S COMING FOR YA.
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THAT'S WHY DAWSON ONLY WENT TO
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THE PIER TO THINK.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[FOREIGN LANGUAGE SPOKEN]
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RELAX.
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HE CLEARLY HAS A PRESS LANYARD.
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LITTLE LATE TO CHANGE YOUR
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STANCE ON GUN CONTROL NOW, ISN'T
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IT?
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LET'S SEE IF COMEDY CENTRAL
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FINALLY GAVE US THE GREEN LIGHT
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TO SHOW MURDERS IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO BULGARIA, OR AS YOU
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MAY KNOW IT, SORT-OF-RUSSIA.
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I'M TOLD THE GUY SPEAKING
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GIBBERISH IS ACTUALLY A
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RESPECTED POLITICIAN.
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YOU THOUGHT HE WAS JODIE FOSTER,
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DIDN'T YOU?
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WHATEVER HE'S TALKING ABOUT, I'M
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SURE IT WILL HAVE A HUGE IMPACT
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ON THE WORLD GOULASH MARKET.
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YOU RARELY SEE SOMEONE IN A
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BLACK TURTLENECK AND LEATHER
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JACKET DOING SOMETHING NICE.
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NO ONE THOUGHT IT'D BE A GOOD
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IDEA TO PAT DOWN THE BOND
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VILLAIN?
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SEE?
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GUNS REALLY DON'T KILL PEOPLE.
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YEAH, HE FORGOT A CRUCIAL PART
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OF THE PLAN: BUY A BULLET.
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OH, THE SECRET SERVICE FINALLY
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DECIDES TO SHOW UP?
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TO BE FAIR, THEY ALSO HAVE TO BE
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THE FIRE DEPARTMENT -- AND THE
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FED EX GUYS.
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SIR, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.
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YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BRUTAL MOB
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JUSTICE.
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PLEASE BE PATIENT, SENATORS,
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EVERYONE WILL GET A CHANCE TO
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KICK HIM.
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I'M JUST HAPPY TO SEE VIOLENCE
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AND GUNS OUT OF THE SCHOOLS AND
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BACK INTO POLITICS WHERE THEY
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BELONG, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK
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YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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ANGRY GINGER'S REDEMPTION, BUT
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FIRST --
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THIS LADIES DOG AIN'T MUCH TO
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LOOK AT, BUT IT MAKES ONE HELL
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OF A BAKED POTATO.
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IT REALLY IRRITATES THAT SOUTH
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PARK WOULD SAY THAT REDHEADED
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PEOPLE DON'T HAVE SOULES OKAY.
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BECAUSE WE DO.
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WE DO HAVE SOULES.
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I GO TO CHURCH.
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I'M A CHRISTIAN.
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YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
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YOU'RE NOT GOD.
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I'M GINGER, AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
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DIDN'T CATCH A WORD OF THAT.
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COULD YOU PLEASE TURN YOUR HAIR
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DOWN?
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I'D BE MAD TOO IF GOD FORGOT TO
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COLOR ME IN AND LEFT ME OUT TO
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RUST.
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THAT REDHEADED STEPCHILD IS
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MICHAEL, AND HE PARLAYED A
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NATIONWIDE DISGUST OF HIS HAIR
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INTO OVER 32 MILLION HITS ON
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YOUTUBE.
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WHICH TRANSLATES INTO ROUGHLY
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$8.
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MUCH LIKE DOWN SYNDROME, RED
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HAIR IS A GENETIC MUTATION, AND
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IT OCCURS WHEN A HUMAN HAS
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UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A CLOWN.
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THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT IT, IS
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YOU CAN IMMEDIATELY KNOW WHO
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THAT STRAY PUBE ON THE TOILET
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SEAT BELONGS TO.
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AND SURE, FRECKLES ARE CUTE...
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ON A CHEETAH.
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BUT WHAT YOU'VE GOT ON YOUR
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BREASTS ARE TONS OF MOLES.
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THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO HOT
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REDHEADS IN HISTORY.
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A 16-YEAR-OLD --
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-- LINDSAY LOHAN AND --
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-- THE LITTLE MERMAID.
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PERSONALLY, I THINK HER HAIR IS
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WAY GROSSER THAN THE FACT THAT
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HER BOTTOM HALF IS A TROUT.
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WHY DIDN'T EMMA STONE MAKE THE
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CUT?
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AH, SHE'S NOT A NATURAL REDHEAD.
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AND I CAN'T STAND TO SEE HER
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LISP HER WAY THROUGH ANOTHER
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MOVIE.
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EVEN THAT IDIOT GILLIGAN
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UNDERSTOOD THAT THE REDHEADED
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MOVIE STAR ON THE ISLAND WAS
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HIDEOUS COMPARED TO THE
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BRUNETTE.
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AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING,
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BECAUSE MARY ANN WAS A
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FLAT-CHESTED HICK.
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WHILE IT'S NO SECRET INVITING A
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GINGER INTO YOUR HOME CAUSES
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YOUR PLANTS TO DIE, NO ONE
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DESERVES TO BE BULLIED BECAUSE
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OF THEIR HAIR COLOR.
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ESPECIALLY WHEN THEIR SKIN IS
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TOO THIN TO HANDLE A FEW JOKES.
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THAT'S WHY I PUT THAT FLAMING
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HOT CHEETO ON A RED EYE AND FLEW
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HIM TO HOLLYWOOD, A PLACE
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WHERE NOBODY HAS A SOUL, IN THIS
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WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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>> WELCOME TO I'M NOT A REAL
262
00:09:53,733 --> 00:09:57,803
DR. PHIL SHOW.
263
00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:58,400
.0.
264
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:02,600
WE'RE DELVING INTO A TOPIC THAT
265
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:06,433
INFURIATES EVERYONE.
266
00:10:06,433 --> 00:10:07,703
PLEASE WELCOME MICHAEL.
267
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:09,300
>> WHO SAID THAT.
268
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,500
>> HOLD DOWN EVERYBODY.
269
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:11,700
CALM DOWN.
270
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,270
I HAVE THIS UNDER CONTROL.
271
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,497
I KNOW HIS HAIR IS VERY
272
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:15,900
DISTURBING.
273
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:17,300
THIS IS WHAT I DO.
274
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,770
MY HAIR IS NOT DISTURBING.
275
00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:20,497
IT'S SO RED.
276
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,500
>> MICHAEL, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
277
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,200
>> I'M 20?
278
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,670
>> I HAVE TO ASK DOES THE CARPET
279
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:32,727
MATCH THE PUBES.
280
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,903
HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO NOW
281
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,700
>> THREE YEARS OLD.
282
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:39,900
I SAW THE GINGER EPISODE IT
283
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:40,600
TICKED ME OFF.
284
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,400
I HOSTED IT ON YouTube AND
285
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,230
OVERNIGHT IT GOT VIRAL.
286
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:49,833
>> IF YOU'RE STANDING ON THE HOT
287
00:10:49,833 --> 00:10:51,473
HIGHWAY YOU TRY TO GET OFF ON
288
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,827
THE COOL GRASS.
289
00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:56,233
I HAVE SELECTED THE TOP FIVE
290
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:57,203
GINGERS OF ALL-TIME.
291
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,300
I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT
292
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:01,430
MY LIST.
293
00:11:01,433 --> 00:11:04,503
DO YOU AGREE WITH MY LIST.
294
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,370
NOT REALLY
295
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:09,697
>> WHO WOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE.
296
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,070
RON HOWARD.
297
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:15,097
RON HOWARD NUMBER ONE GINGER.
298
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:17,830
NO MATTER HOW FLAT YOU MAKE A
299
00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:19,703
PANCAKE IT'S GOT TWO SIDES.
300
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,070
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A FIGHT?
301
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:24,527
>> ONE OF THEM CALLED ME GINGER.
302
00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:26,233
I COUNTED THAT A PUNCH.
303
00:11:26,233 --> 00:11:28,333
>> YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A GINGER SO
304
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:33,303
FAR BEFORE THAT GINGERSNAPS.
305
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:33,830
GINGERSNAP.
306
00:11:33,833 --> 00:11:36,303
DO YOU FEEL GINGER OFFENSIVE?
307
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:40,870
>> I FIND IT WHEN PEOPLE THAT
308
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,667
ARE NOT REDHEADED USE IT.
309
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:45,427
THAT'S MY GINGER.
310
00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:46,473
THAT'S FINE.
311
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:49,067
NOW I'D LIKE TO SHOW ANOTHER
312
00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,727
PEOPLE ANOTHER POPULAR VIRAL
313
00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:57,433
VIDEO OF A GRANDMOTHER ABOUT
314
00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,333
THINGS THAT STICKS IN HER
315
00:11:59,333 --> 00:11:59,703
CRITERIA.
316
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:02,830
>> BLACK, AND HONKY, AND THE
317
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,933
OTHER WORD THAT I GREW UP
318
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:05,273
SAYING.
319
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:08,067
THE WHITE PEOPLE THAT ARE
320
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:10,267
DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.
321
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:13,897
WHAT ARE ARE THE ODDS ALL OF THE
322
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:17,870
MILLIONS OF VIRAL VIDEOS THAT
323
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,367
THIS MAN WOULD KNOW HER.
324
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:22,097
THAT'S MY KNEE MA.
325
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:26,230
>> THAT'S HIS REAL LIFE MEMO.
326
00:12:26,233 --> 00:12:29,073
>> THAT DOG ALMOST DOESN'T HUNT.
327
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:34,167
>> MEMO GET OUT HERE.
328
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:38,327
>> THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
329
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:41,103
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M
330
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:41,400
HERE.
331
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,570
I PUT ON A BRA TO COME.
332
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:45,727
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T HAVE PUT ON
333
00:12:45,733 --> 00:12:47,273
A BRA.
334
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,267
HAVE YOU EVER BREAST-FED
335
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,067
MICHAEL.
336
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:52,267
NO, NO I'M HIS GRANDMOTHER.
337
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,897
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.
338
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,770
>> CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING
339
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:56,727
ABOUT L.A.
340
00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:58,433
EVERYTHING IS GOOD-LOOKING.
341
00:12:58,433 --> 00:13:00,303
THERE'S NOT A DOG IN THE DAMN
342
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:00,630
BUNCH.
343
00:13:00,633 --> 00:13:02,333
>> LOOK AT THAT GUY.
344
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:04,473
>>> IF I WAS YOUNGER IT WOULD
345
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,827
TAKE A CROWBAR TO GET HIM OUT OF
346
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:09,333
HIS LAP.
347
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:13,433
>> IS YOUR SEX LIFE STILL ALIFE
348
00:13:13,433 --> 00:13:15,403
>>> HELL NO.
349
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,970
MY VIBRATOR BROKE.
350
00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,967
>> I KNOW HOW TO CLEAN A FISH.
351
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,797
WE'RE NOT GOING TO START WITH
352
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:23,100
THIS.
353
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,500
BUT NOBODY IS GOING TO BE HOME
354
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:25,670
TO FEED THE DOGS.
355
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:30,127
WE'VE GOT A CHOW, AN AKEY FAU.
356
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,973
WE'VE GOT THREE PIT BILLS.
357
00:13:31,967 --> 00:13:36,467
THREE LABS, AND A LITTLE
358
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:36,827
POINTER.
359
00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:38,603
AND I HATE CATS.
360
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,830
MY DAUGHTER LOVES CATS.
361
00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:45,303
CATS ARE WEIRD.
362
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,830
YOU SURE ARE MAKING A LOT OF
363
00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:48,203
SENSE.
364
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,300
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE INTERNET
365
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:50,570
IS?
366
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:51,927
>> BARELY.
367
00:13:51,933 --> 00:13:55,803
>> DO YOU GET COMPETITIVE WITH
368
00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:00,900
MICHAEL OVER VIEWS OF HIS VIDEO.
369
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:01,970
>> OH NO.
370
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:05,167
I CUSS AND CARRY ON BUT I DON'T
371
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:11,867
LIKE HIM TO TRASH REAL MUCH.
372
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,567
>> IT'S CLEAR TO EVERYONE HERE
373
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:15,067
AND MYSELF THAT YOU'VE GOT TO
374
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,927
MAKE A CHANGE OR YOU'RE GOING TO
375
00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:21,473
END UP OLD CRAZY AND ALONE LIKE
376
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,397
YOUR MATT MORGAN.
377
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,430
ARE YOU READY TO MAKE THAT
378
00:14:25,433 --> 00:14:25,773
CHANGE.
379
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:26,467
>>> YES.
380
00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:28,567
>> MICHAEL ARE YOU READY TO MAKE
381
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:29,567
THAT CHANGE.
382
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:30,627
>>> YES I'M READY.
383
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:38,103
>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.
384
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:43,500
WE HAVE IT THAT FOXY MERCEDES
385
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,930
SUV THAT COSTS $100,000 THAT
386
00:14:47,933 --> 00:14:50,873
MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A BUTT HOLE.
387
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,067
>> HE'S GOING TO CHANGE HIS
388
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:53,667
LIFE.
389
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:55,827
BUT A PROMISE AIN'T A TUB OF
390
00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:57,833
CRICKETS IF YOU DON'T SEE IT
391
00:14:57,833 --> 00:14:58,173
THROUGH.
392
00:14:58,167 --> 00:15:00,267
THAT'S WHY DURING THE COMMERCIAL
393
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:04,067
BREAK I HELPED HIM WITH THAT
394
00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:04,527
REALITY.
395
00:15:04,533 --> 00:15:07,073
LET'S SEE HOW MUCH PROGRESS
396
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:10,567
MICHAEL HAS BEEN MAKING.
397
00:15:10,567 --> 00:15:15,797
>>> EVER SINCE I DYED MY HAIR
398
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,900
BLACK MY LIFE HAS BEEN GREAT.
399
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:23,830
GET OUT OF HERE.
400
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:26,403
>> THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
401
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:31,430
GOODNIGHT.
402
00:15:31,433 --> 00:15:33,073
TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS ME PLAYING
403
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,797
DR. PHIL.
404
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:35,500
WE PAID TOP DOLLAR TO GET THE
405
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:36,100
MAKEUP TEAM FROM FRANK
406
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:39,070
CALIENDO'S OLD SHOW.
407
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:40,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,
408
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:41,167
I KNOW A STAR WHEN I SEE ONE.
409
00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:43,297
HERE'S THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF
410
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:43,900
PORCH TIME WITH MEMA.
411
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:44,770
TODAY'S QUESTION COMES TO US
412
00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:46,427
FROM K. PRESTON.
413
00:15:46,433 --> 00:15:47,103
SHE WANTS TO KNOW IS JOHN
414
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:50,800
TRAVOLTA GAY?
415
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,670
I DON'T BELIEVE JOHN TRAVOLTA IS
416
00:15:53,667 --> 00:15:54,197
GAY.
417
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:58,830
HE'S HAD KIDS AND EVERYTHING.
418
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:08,333
HE LIKE TO DANCE AND SWIVEL HIS
419
00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:08,773
[APPLAUSE]
420
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:09,897
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN
421
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:10,600
HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH YOUR
422
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:10,970
BROS.
423
00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:11,627
THE PROBLEM IS THERE ARE NO
424
00:16:11,633 --> 00:16:12,333
LADIES TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE
425
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:15,233
WITH.
426
00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:15,973
ALL YOU GOT IS A BASEMENT FULL
427
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:16,527
OF FLACCID WIENERS.
428
00:16:16,533 --> 00:16:17,403
THAT'S WHY I CAME UP WITH A
429
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:18,430
MANLIER GAME CALLED SPORTS OR
430
00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:25,273
CONSEQUENCES.
431
00:16:25,267 --> 00:16:29,727
TRIPLE 20 OR YOU GET TO CUT ONE
432
00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:34,273
EYED 20s OUT OF THE LOSER'S
433
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:35,267
WALLET.
434
00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:37,797
OH.
435
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,870
DRIVER'S LICENSE IS A HUGE
436
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:41,327
INCONVENIENCE.
437
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,533
ANOTHER VISA.
438
00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:43,973
UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA.
439
00:16:43,967 --> 00:16:46,067
NATIONAL ALUMNI ASSOCIATION.
440
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:49,327
I THINK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS
441
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,403
CUT SO THAT YOU HAVE AN ADULT
442
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:52,730
WALLET.
443
00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:57,433
NOW THAT'S A NORMAL WALLET.
444
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:02,273
>> MAKE A 3-POINTER OR MAKE A
445
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:05,067
CREAMY RICH DOUGHNUT OUT OF A
446
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,797
SANDBOX.
447
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:12,130
WE HAVE A PENNE PASTA WITH A
448
00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:14,603
VODKA SALMON.
449
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,070
WOULD YOU LIKE FRESH PARMESAN.
450
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:23,967
YEAH IT WILL PROBABLY HELP.
451
00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:26,227
>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT GOOD IS
452
00:17:26,233 --> 00:17:28,803
THE SAND.
453
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,130
30-YARD FIELD GOAL OR YOU HAVE
454
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:37,273
TO SUBMERGE YOUR HEAD IN
455
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:42,127
LUKEWARM CHEESE.
456
00:17:49,933 --> 00:17:52,673
YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER WIDE
457
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:52,967
RIGHT.
458
00:17:52,967 --> 00:17:55,367
IT'S SO HEAVY.
459
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:58,727
SO A VORTEX FOOTBALL 30 YARDS
460
00:17:58,733 --> 00:18:00,903
INTO THIS TRASH CAN OR BREAK ONE
461
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,770
OF YOUR WINDOWS WITH A
462
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:04,197
SLEDGEHAMMER.
463
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,500
>> I JUST GOT A NEW CAR.
464
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:11,330
>> THEN DON'T LOSE.
465
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:21,070
WHO'S THE GREATEST ATHLETE EVER?
466
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:28,327
>> I CAN DO IT AT ANY DISTANCE.
467
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,073
COME UP WITH YOUR OWN SPORTS OR
468
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:29,827
CONSEQUENCES AND SEND THEM IN TO
469
00:18:29,833 --> 00:18:31,073
OUR BLOG.
470
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:32,067
I CANNOT WAIT TO PERSONALLY
471
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,197
WATCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
472
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,200
KEEP IT PG-13 AND KEEP IT SAFE.
473
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,930
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY NOT
474
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:38,673
PULL A TWOFER, AND UPLOAD A CLIP
475
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,397
FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER
476
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,600
VIDEO.
477
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:45,070
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
478
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:46,097
I HAVE CAN SUSH.
479
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:50,230
I HAVE CANCER.C.
480
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:51,733
E.HAVE CANCE
481
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:53,233
R.HAVE CANCE
482
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:53,673
I HAVE CANCER.
483
00:18:53,667 --> 00:19:01,097
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
484
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:01,470
[APPLAUSE]
485
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:03,067
WELCOME BACK.
486
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:03,797
I HAVE NEVER SEEN OR TOUCHED A
487
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,070
GOAT BUT I THANK THEM FOR THEIR
488
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,197
SACRIFICE.
489
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,970
CASHMERE.
490
00:19:09,967 --> 00:19:10,667
NEXT WEEK WE GET TO KNOW THIS
491
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:17,827
SPEEDY FELLOW.
492
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,873
LOOK AT THE GUN REGISTRATION.
493
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:25,767
I'M THE FIRST HUMAN TO RUN OVER
494
00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:26,267
30-MILES-PER-HOUR.
495
00:19:26,267 --> 00:19:27,067
WE WERE GOING TO FLY HIM HERE,
496
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:27,727
BUT HE SAID IT'D BE QUICKER TO
497
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:28,433
JUST RUN ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
498
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:29,273
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND KNOW
499
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:30,327
THAT WHEN WE LIVE CHAT DURING
500
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:31,403
THE SHOW, I ALSO AM TAKING CARE
501
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,430
OF A LOT OF ONLINE BILLING.
502
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,673
CHECK OUT OUR BLOG AT
503
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:37,797
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
504
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:38,530
THE AVERAGE READER SPENDS 4.26
505
00:19:38,533 --> 00:19:42,073
MINUTES ON THAT SITE.
506
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:42,767
LET'S GET THAT UP TO AROUND 7 --
507
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:44,197
7.24 BY THE END OF THE SEASON.
508
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,400
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
509
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,430
DEAD OR ALIVE, I WILL BE HITTING
510
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:49,973
THE ROAD THIS SUMMER FOR THE
511
00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:51,527
JUNE GLOOM TOUR.
512
00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:52,173
YEAH, THAT'S GOING TO BE
513
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:54,797
AWESOME.
514
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:55,870
OH, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE,
515
00:19:55,867 --> 00:19:59,067
BUT I WILL PROBABLY BE THERE.
516
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,027
WITH ME, SPECIAL GUEST JERROD
517
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,173
CHARMICHAEL.
518
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,167
I AM PRETTY SURE THAT IS BILL
519
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:05,397
BELLAMY.
520
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,130
I'LL GET AN UP-TO-DATE HEADSHOT
521
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,033
OF JERROD NEXT WEEK.
522
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:10,373
PRESALE STARTS TOMORROW!
523
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:11,327
AS A LOT OF YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY
524
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:12,003
UPGRADED TO ONE OF THOSE
525
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,470
UNLIMITED TEXTING PLANS.
526
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:16,097
AND TO CELEBRATE, I CREATED A
527
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:17,070
NEW SEGMENT CALLED TEXTUAL
528
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:19,297
HARASSMENT.
529
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,300
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: I TOOK A
530
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:24,100
SEXUALLY REVEALING PHOTO OF
531
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:24,770
MYSELF WITH THE MESSAGE --
532
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:25,427
-- "PLUS YOU MAKES THREE."
533
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,833
I WAS PLANNING TO SEND IT TO A
534
00:20:27,833 --> 00:20:28,603
BUNCH OF RANDOM PHONE NUMBERS TO
535
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:29,300
SEE WHAT KIND OF RESPONSES I
536
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,130
WOULD GET.
537
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:31,873
SOLID BITS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
538
00:20:31,867 --> 00:20:32,197
RIGHT?
539
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:36,330
WRONG!
540
00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:38,533
IMMEDIATE BACKFIRE.
541
00:20:38,533 --> 00:20:39,273
HERE'S THE FIRST REPLY I GOT.
542
00:20:39,267 --> 00:20:39,997
"HEY ASSHOLE, YOU SENT THIS TO
543
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,170
MY 9-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER."
544
00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:48,627
OOH.
545
00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:49,673
NATURALLY, I REPLIED
546
00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:50,827
"SORRY."
547
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:51,803
BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN A LINE HAS
548
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,470
BEEN CROSSED.
549
00:20:53,467 --> 00:20:55,067
BUT THEN HE SAID --
550
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:57,667
-- "[BLEEP] OFF!"
551
00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:58,297
SO, I WROTE BACK --
552
00:20:58,300 --> 00:20:59,000
-- "WHY DOES YOUR 9-YEAR-OLD
553
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,570
DAUGHTER HAVE A PHONE?
554
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:03,767
THAT'S BAD PARENTING."
555
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:04,867
NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODNIGHT,
556
00:21:04,867 --> 00:21:06,327
BUT BEFORE I GO I WILL LEAVE YOU
557
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,073
WITH ONE QUESTION, "WHERE'S
558
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:17,327
DANIEL?"
559
00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:18,833
DON'T MAKE ME PUT YOUR HEAD IN
560
00:21:18,833 --> 00:21:20,503
THE BLENDER.
561
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:23,070
NO DOG EVER PEED ON A MOVING
562
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:23,267
CAR.
563
00:21:23,267 --> 00:21:26,427
TIME TO RUN THAT BY ME AS I TRY
35205
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