Original subtitles

THROWING UP SOUNDS]

[APPLAUSE]

IT WAS EITHER THIS OR WATCH A

VOLUPTUOUS 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL EAT

HER TAMPON.

WELCOME TO THE SEASON 5 PREMIERE

OF TOSH.0.

I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU IT'S OUR

FINAL SEASON, BUT YOU THE FANS

KEEP DEMANDING MORE.

NOT REALLY.

THE TRUTH IS, THIS SHOW IS JUST

TOO CHEAP FOR COMEDY CENTRAL NOT

TO PICK IT UP.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE A BRAND

NEW FAKE SET.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT CITY

THAT IS, IT'S THE ICONIC

TITUSVILLE SKYLINE.

NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF FASHION

BLOGS HAVE SPECULATED OVER THIS

SEASON'S NEW LOOK.

AND I'M PROUD TO FINALLY BREAK

MY SILENCE AND ANNOUNCE THAT IN

2013 I WILL BE WEARING NOTHING

BUT THE FINEST --

-- CASHMERE.

THANKS TO MY GOOD BUDDIES IN LED

ZEPPELIN FOR WRITING THAT LITTLE

WARDROBE REVEAL JINGLE.

NO TOUCHING.

GET YOUR OWN.

CASHMERE IS HIGHLY SENSITIVE TO

THE OIL ON POOR PEOPLE'S

FINGERS.

MAN, THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON I

ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT

TONIGHT'S SHOW.

HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHETHER TO

STAY TUNED?

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, I REDEEM

THIS SOULLESS GINGER...

I SHOW YOU WHY I'M THE GREATEST

ATHLETE OF MY GENERATION, OF THE

PEOPLE WHO WORK IN MY OFFICE --

AND I TEXT CREEPY PICTURES TO

TOTAL STRANGERS.

NOW, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH MORE

THAT BULIMIC BIELEBER HAS IN

HIM.

THAT IS THE WORST CASE OF BIEBER

FEVER EVER.

IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY AT

ONE OF HIS CONCERTS.

SORRY, JUSTIN.

YOU DON'T GET TO KILL A

PAPARAZZI WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.

KEEP YAKKING, BIEBER DOES NOT

DATE CHUBBY DUDES.

IF THIS NEXT VIDEO DOESN'T GET

YOU JAZZED FOR SWEET CORN

SEASON, NOTHING WILL.

FROM NOW ON, ANYONE WHO EATS A

COB OF CORN BY HAND IS A DAMN

FOOL.

HOW DO YOU GO TO ALL THAT

TROUBLE AND NOT STICK IT IN YOUR

OTHER CORN HOLE?

WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS AFTER I

FINISH A FULL ROTATION, PUT IT

IN REVERSE.

CATCH THE STRAGGLERS.

ANNE HATHAWAY COULD DO THAT IN

HALF THE TIME.

SHE HAS LIKE FOUR ROWS OF TEETH,

I THINK.

THE FASTER YOU EAT YOUR VEGGIES,

THE SOONER YOU CAN HAVE DESSERT.

GOD HELP YOU IF YOU TRY THAT

WITH A TWIN POP.

THIS NEXT GUY'S REALTOR FORGOT

TO MENTION THAT INGLEWOOD IS

ALWAYS UP TO NO GOOD.

ALWAYS.

HE'S MAKING HIS WAY OFF TO LAX

AGAIN.

HOLY CRAP.

THAT'S WHY EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD

OWN A SPIKE STRIP.

MAYBE NOT THE BEST NEIGHBORHOOD

TO SHOW OFF YOUR FLAT SCREEN AND

IPHONE.

A GROUND LEVEL UNIT IN THE

GHETTO IS LIKE HAVING FRONT ROW

SEATS TO A TOM CRUISE ACTION

FLICK,

EXCEPT IN THIS ONE, TOM DOESN'T

DO HIS OWN STUNTS, AND HIS STUNT

DOUBLE IS ALWAYS BLACK.

NOBODY WITH THAT PENIS SHOULD

EVER CONSIDER SUICIDE.

HOW COME COOL LIKE THAT HAPPENS

IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?

THAT WAS OUR OFFICE?

HERE'S WHY I ONLY WRESTLE BOYS

IN THE DARK.

YEAH.

WHATEVER.

HOLY SUCKER.

I BET HE JUST HAD A REALLY GOOD

IDEA.

WE'RE GONNA TO NEED A MEDIC AND

AN ELECTRICIAN.

THE GHOST OF OWEN HART HAS BEEN

HAUNTING THAT MIDDLE SCHOOL FOR

YEARS.

I WISH THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO RAY

LEWIS EVERY TIME HE STARTS TO

DANCE.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THE

MOUTH OF THE SOUTH JIMMY HART

WAS BEHIND THIS.

IF YOU'RE TOO CHUNKY TO TAKE

YOUR SHIRT OFF AT THE BEACH,

YOU'RE TOO CHUNKY TO DO THIS --

READY.

HE'S GOING TO DO IT.

HOLY CRAP.

HOLY CRAP.

I'D SAY TRY NOT TO PUT TOO MUCH

WEIGHT ON IT, BUT THAT DOESN'T

SEEM LIKELY.

EVERYONE WHO'S EVER WORN A

LIVESTRONG BRACELET, KNOW THAT

KARMA'S COMING FOR YA.

THAT'S WHY DAWSON ONLY WENT TO

THE PIER TO THINK.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE SPOKEN]

RELAX.

HE CLEARLY HAS A PRESS LANYARD.

LITTLE LATE TO CHANGE YOUR

STANCE ON GUN CONTROL NOW, ISN'T

IT?

LET'S SEE IF COMEDY CENTRAL

FINALLY GAVE US THE GREEN LIGHT

TO SHOW MURDERS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO BULGARIA, OR AS YOU

MAY KNOW IT, SORT-OF-RUSSIA.

I'M TOLD THE GUY SPEAKING

GIBBERISH IS ACTUALLY A

RESPECTED POLITICIAN.

YOU THOUGHT HE WAS JODIE FOSTER,

DIDN'T YOU?

WHATEVER HE'S TALKING ABOUT, I'M

SURE IT WILL HAVE A HUGE IMPACT

ON THE WORLD GOULASH MARKET.

YOU RARELY SEE SOMEONE IN A

BLACK TURTLENECK AND LEATHER

JACKET DOING SOMETHING NICE.

NO ONE THOUGHT IT'D BE A GOOD

IDEA TO PAT DOWN THE BOND

VILLAIN?

SEE?

GUNS REALLY DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

YEAH, HE FORGOT A CRUCIAL PART

OF THE PLAN: BUY A BULLET.

OH, THE SECRET SERVICE FINALLY

DECIDES TO SHOW UP?

TO BE FAIR, THEY ALSO HAVE TO BE

THE FIRE DEPARTMENT -- AND THE

FED EX GUYS.

SIR, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BRUTAL MOB

JUSTICE.

PLEASE BE PATIENT, SENATORS,

EVERYONE WILL GET A CHANCE TO

KICK HIM.

I'M JUST HAPPY TO SEE VIOLENCE

AND GUNS OUT OF THE SCHOOLS AND

BACK INTO POLITICS WHERE THEY

BELONG, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK

YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

ANGRY GINGER'S REDEMPTION, BUT

FIRST --

THIS LADIES DOG AIN'T MUCH TO

LOOK AT, BUT IT MAKES ONE HELL

OF A BAKED POTATO.

IT REALLY IRRITATES THAT SOUTH

PARK WOULD SAY THAT REDHEADED

PEOPLE DON'T HAVE SOULES OKAY.

BECAUSE WE DO.

WE DO HAVE SOULES.

I GO TO CHURCH.

I'M A CHRISTIAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU'RE NOT GOD.

I'M GINGER, AND I'M PROUD OF IT.

DIDN'T CATCH A WORD OF THAT.

COULD YOU PLEASE TURN YOUR HAIR

DOWN?

I'D BE MAD TOO IF GOD FORGOT TO

COLOR ME IN AND LEFT ME OUT TO

RUST.

THAT REDHEADED STEPCHILD IS

MICHAEL, AND HE PARLAYED A

NATIONWIDE DISGUST OF HIS HAIR

INTO OVER 32 MILLION HITS ON

YOUTUBE.

WHICH TRANSLATES INTO ROUGHLY

$8.

MUCH LIKE DOWN SYNDROME, RED

HAIR IS A GENETIC MUTATION, AND

IT OCCURS WHEN A HUMAN HAS

UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A CLOWN.

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT IT, IS

YOU CAN IMMEDIATELY KNOW WHO

THAT STRAY PUBE ON THE TOILET

SEAT BELONGS TO.

AND SURE, FRECKLES ARE CUTE...

ON A CHEETAH.

BUT WHAT YOU'VE GOT ON YOUR

BREASTS ARE TONS OF MOLES.

THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO HOT

REDHEADS IN HISTORY.

A 16-YEAR-OLD --

-- LINDSAY LOHAN AND --

-- THE LITTLE MERMAID.

PERSONALLY, I THINK HER HAIR IS

WAY GROSSER THAN THE FACT THAT

HER BOTTOM HALF IS A TROUT.

WHY DIDN'T EMMA STONE MAKE THE

CUT?

AH, SHE'S NOT A NATURAL REDHEAD.

AND I CAN'T STAND TO SEE HER

LISP HER WAY THROUGH ANOTHER

MOVIE.

EVEN THAT IDIOT GILLIGAN

UNDERSTOOD THAT THE REDHEADED

MOVIE STAR ON THE ISLAND WAS

HIDEOUS COMPARED TO THE

BRUNETTE.

AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING,

BECAUSE MARY ANN WAS A

FLAT-CHESTED HICK.

WHILE IT'S NO SECRET INVITING A

GINGER INTO YOUR HOME CAUSES

YOUR PLANTS TO DIE, NO ONE

DESERVES TO BE BULLIED BECAUSE

OF THEIR HAIR COLOR.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEIR SKIN IS

TOO THIN TO HANDLE A FEW JOKES.

THAT'S WHY I PUT THAT FLAMING

HOT CHEETO ON A RED EYE AND FLEW

HIM TO HOLLYWOOD, A PLACE

WHERE NOBODY HAS A SOUL, IN THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> WELCOME TO I'M NOT A REAL

DR. PHIL SHOW.

.0.

WE'RE DELVING INTO A TOPIC THAT

INFURIATES EVERYONE.

PLEASE WELCOME MICHAEL.

>> WHO SAID THAT.

>> HOLD DOWN EVERYBODY.

CALM DOWN.

I HAVE THIS UNDER CONTROL.

I KNOW HIS HAIR IS VERY

DISTURBING.

THIS IS WHAT I DO.

MY HAIR IS NOT DISTURBING.

IT'S SO RED.

>> MICHAEL, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> I'M 20?

>> I HAVE TO ASK DOES THE CARPET

MATCH THE PUBES.

HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO NOW

>> THREE YEARS OLD.

I SAW THE GINGER EPISODE IT

TICKED ME OFF.

I HOSTED IT ON YouTube AND

OVERNIGHT IT GOT VIRAL.

>> IF YOU'RE STANDING ON THE HOT

HIGHWAY YOU TRY TO GET OFF ON

THE COOL GRASS.

I HAVE SELECTED THE TOP FIVE

GINGERS OF ALL-TIME.

I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT

MY LIST.

DO YOU AGREE WITH MY LIST.

NOT REALLY

>> WHO WOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE.

RON HOWARD.

RON HOWARD NUMBER ONE GINGER.

NO MATTER HOW FLAT YOU MAKE A

PANCAKE IT'S GOT TWO SIDES.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A FIGHT?

>> ONE OF THEM CALLED ME GINGER.

I COUNTED THAT A PUNCH.

>> YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A GINGER SO

FAR BEFORE THAT GINGERSNAPS.

GINGERSNAP.

DO YOU FEEL GINGER OFFENSIVE?

>> I FIND IT WHEN PEOPLE THAT

ARE NOT REDHEADED USE IT.

THAT'S MY GINGER.

THAT'S FINE.

NOW I'D LIKE TO SHOW ANOTHER

PEOPLE ANOTHER POPULAR VIRAL

VIDEO OF A GRANDMOTHER ABOUT

THINGS THAT STICKS IN HER

CRITERIA.

>> BLACK, AND HONKY, AND THE

OTHER WORD THAT I GREW UP

SAYING.

THE WHITE PEOPLE THAT ARE

DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.

WHAT ARE ARE THE ODDS ALL OF THE

MILLIONS OF VIRAL VIDEOS THAT

THIS MAN WOULD KNOW HER.

THAT'S MY KNEE MA.

>> THAT'S HIS REAL LIFE MEMO.

>> THAT DOG ALMOST DOESN'T HUNT.

>> MEMO GET OUT HERE.

>> THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M

HERE.

I PUT ON A BRA TO COME.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T HAVE PUT ON

A BRA.

HAVE YOU EVER BREAST-FED

MICHAEL.

NO, NO I'M HIS GRANDMOTHER.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.

>> CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT L.A.

EVERYTHING IS GOOD-LOOKING.

THERE'S NOT A DOG IN THE DAMN

BUNCH.

>> LOOK AT THAT GUY.

>>> IF I WAS YOUNGER IT WOULD

TAKE A CROWBAR TO GET HIM OUT OF

HIS LAP.

>> IS YOUR SEX LIFE STILL ALIFE

>>> HELL NO.

MY VIBRATOR BROKE.

>> I KNOW HOW TO CLEAN A FISH.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO START WITH

THIS.

BUT NOBODY IS GOING TO BE HOME

TO FEED THE DOGS.

WE'VE GOT A CHOW, AN AKEY FAU.

WE'VE GOT THREE PIT BILLS.

THREE LABS, AND A LITTLE

POINTER.

AND I HATE CATS.

MY DAUGHTER LOVES CATS.

CATS ARE WEIRD.

YOU SURE ARE MAKING A LOT OF

SENSE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE INTERNET

IS?

>> BARELY.

>> DO YOU GET COMPETITIVE WITH

MICHAEL OVER VIEWS OF HIS VIDEO.

>> OH NO.

I CUSS AND CARRY ON BUT I DON'T

LIKE HIM TO TRASH REAL MUCH.

>> IT'S CLEAR TO EVERYONE HERE

AND MYSELF THAT YOU'VE GOT TO

MAKE A CHANGE OR YOU'RE GOING TO

END UP OLD CRAZY AND ALONE LIKE

YOUR MATT MORGAN.

ARE YOU READY TO MAKE THAT

CHANGE.

>>> YES.

>> MICHAEL ARE YOU READY TO MAKE

THAT CHANGE.

>>> YES I'M READY.

>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

WE HAVE IT THAT FOXY MERCEDES

SUV THAT COSTS $100,000 THAT

MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A BUTT HOLE.

>> HE'S GOING TO CHANGE HIS

LIFE.

BUT A PROMISE AIN'T A TUB OF

CRICKETS IF YOU DON'T SEE IT

THROUGH.

THAT'S WHY DURING THE COMMERCIAL

BREAK I HELPED HIM WITH THAT

REALITY.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH PROGRESS

MICHAEL HAS BEEN MAKING.

>>> EVER SINCE I DYED MY HAIR

BLACK MY LIFE HAS BEEN GREAT.

GET OUT OF HERE.

>> THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

GOODNIGHT.

TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS ME PLAYING

DR. PHIL.

WE PAID TOP DOLLAR TO GET THE

MAKEUP TEAM FROM FRANK

CALIENDO'S OLD SHOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

I KNOW A STAR WHEN I SEE ONE.

HERE'S THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF

PORCH TIME WITH MEMA.

TODAY'S QUESTION COMES TO US

FROM K. PRESTON.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW IS JOHN

TRAVOLTA GAY?

I DON'T BELIEVE JOHN TRAVOLTA IS

GAY.

HE'S HAD KIDS AND EVERYTHING.

HE LIKE TO DANCE AND SWIVEL HIS

[APPLAUSE]

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN

HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH YOUR

BROS.

THE PROBLEM IS THERE ARE NO

LADIES TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE

WITH.

ALL YOU GOT IS A BASEMENT FULL

OF FLACCID WIENERS.

THAT'S WHY I CAME UP WITH A

MANLIER GAME CALLED SPORTS OR

CONSEQUENCES.

TRIPLE 20 OR YOU GET TO CUT ONE

EYED 20s OUT OF THE LOSER'S

WALLET.

OH.

DRIVER'S LICENSE IS A HUGE

INCONVENIENCE.

ANOTHER VISA.

UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA.

NATIONAL ALUMNI ASSOCIATION.

I THINK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS

CUT SO THAT YOU HAVE AN ADULT

WALLET.

NOW THAT'S A NORMAL WALLET.

>> MAKE A 3-POINTER OR MAKE A

CREAMY RICH DOUGHNUT OUT OF A

SANDBOX.

WE HAVE A PENNE PASTA WITH A

VODKA SALMON.

WOULD YOU LIKE FRESH PARMESAN.

YEAH IT WILL PROBABLY HELP.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT GOOD IS

THE SAND.

30-YARD FIELD GOAL OR YOU HAVE

TO SUBMERGE YOUR HEAD IN

LUKEWARM CHEESE.

YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER WIDE

RIGHT.

IT'S SO HEAVY.

SO A VORTEX FOOTBALL 30 YARDS

INTO THIS TRASH CAN OR BREAK ONE

OF YOUR WINDOWS WITH A

SLEDGEHAMMER.

>> I JUST GOT A NEW CAR.

>> THEN DON'T LOSE.

WHO'S THE GREATEST ATHLETE EVER?

>> I CAN DO IT AT ANY DISTANCE.

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN SPORTS OR

CONSEQUENCES AND SEND THEM IN TO

OUR BLOG.

I CANNOT WAIT TO PERSONALLY

WATCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

KEEP IT PG-13 AND KEEP IT SAFE.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY NOT

PULL A TWOFER, AND UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER

VIDEO.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

I HAVE CAN SUSH.

I HAVE CANCER.C.

E.HAVE CANCE

R.HAVE CANCE

I HAVE CANCER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

[APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BACK.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN OR TOUCHED A

GOAT BUT I THANK THEM FOR THEIR

SACRIFICE.

CASHMERE.

NEXT WEEK WE GET TO KNOW THIS

SPEEDY FELLOW.

LOOK AT THE GUN REGISTRATION.

I'M THE FIRST HUMAN TO RUN OVER

30-MILES-PER-HOUR.

WE WERE GOING TO FLY HIM HERE,

BUT HE SAID IT'D BE QUICKER TO

JUST RUN ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND KNOW

THAT WHEN WE LIVE CHAT DURING

THE SHOW, I ALSO AM TAKING CARE

OF A LOT OF ONLINE BILLING.

CHECK OUT OUR BLOG AT

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

THE AVERAGE READER SPENDS 4.26

MINUTES ON THAT SITE.

LET'S GET THAT UP TO AROUND 7 --

7.24 BY THE END OF THE SEASON.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

DEAD OR ALIVE, I WILL BE HITTING

THE ROAD THIS SUMMER FOR THE

JUNE GLOOM TOUR.

YEAH, THAT'S GOING TO BE

AWESOME.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE,

BUT I WILL PROBABLY BE THERE.

WITH ME, SPECIAL GUEST JERROD

CHARMICHAEL.

I AM PRETTY SURE THAT IS BILL

BELLAMY.

I'LL GET AN UP-TO-DATE HEADSHOT

OF JERROD NEXT WEEK.

PRESALE STARTS TOMORROW!

AS A LOT OF YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY

UPGRADED TO ONE OF THOSE

UNLIMITED TEXTING PLANS.

AND TO CELEBRATE, I CREATED A

NEW SEGMENT CALLED TEXTUAL

HARASSMENT.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: I TOOK A

SEXUALLY REVEALING PHOTO OF

MYSELF WITH THE MESSAGE --

-- "PLUS YOU MAKES THREE."

I WAS PLANNING TO SEND IT TO A

BUNCH OF RANDOM PHONE NUMBERS TO

SEE WHAT KIND OF RESPONSES I

WOULD GET.

SOLID BITS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,

RIGHT?

WRONG!

IMMEDIATE BACKFIRE.

HERE'S THE FIRST REPLY I GOT.

"HEY ASSHOLE, YOU SENT THIS TO

MY 9-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER."

OOH.

NATURALLY, I REPLIED

"SORRY."

BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN A LINE HAS

BEEN CROSSED.

BUT THEN HE SAID --

-- "[BLEEP] OFF!"

SO, I WROTE BACK --

-- "WHY DOES YOUR 9-YEAR-OLD

DAUGHTER HAVE A PHONE?

THAT'S BAD PARENTING."

NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODNIGHT,

BUT BEFORE I GO I WILL LEAVE YOU

WITH ONE QUESTION, "WHERE'S

DANIEL?"

DON'T MAKE ME PUT YOUR HEAD IN

THE BLENDER.

NO DOG EVER PEED ON A MOVING

CAR.

TIME TO RUN THAT BY ME AS I TRY