Original subtitles

*

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Daniel: I'M PRETTY SURE THAT

LEFT TWO SKID MARKS.

WELCOME TO THE SEASON FINALE OF

TOSH.O.

IT'S THE END OF COLLEGIATE

APPAREL.

CONGRATULATIONS NIKE UNIVERSITY.

DO 7 PUSH UPS FOR EVERY FANCY

OUT FIT YOU SEE ME IN.

TONIGHT WE LOOK AT THE GREAT JOB

I DID THIS YEAR, SEARCH FOR MY

REPLACEMENT AND LOOK AT THIS

THIRD PICTURE OF ME.

LET'S SEE WHY THIS GUY DECIDED

TO GO STREET LOOSHING.

LEATHER CHAPS AT THE FLUSH AND

FOLD.

THAT FULL BACK SCAB IS GOING TO

BE A DAMPER ON STURGIS.

HE WAS PROBABLY FREAKED OUT

THOSE BIKER TKOUDZ WERE

FOLLOWING HIM.

DID YOU KNOW CRACKING YOUR

KNUCKLES CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS?

IS THAT YOUR HAND OR A ORDER OF

SHRIMP COCKTAIL?

IT'S FROSTBITE.

THAT'S YOU WHY NEVER FINGER A

INUIT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN

TOLD BUT ESKIMO [BEEP] SURE IS

COLD.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO FIND A

DIFFERENT NAIL A SON.

WILL HAVE TO STEAL GRANDPA MA'S

GIANT TV REMOTE.

I GUARANTEE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

GUESS HOW THIS NEXT VIDEO WILL

END

(SCREAMING )

(SCREAMING )

>> Daniel: I'M PRETTY SURE THAT

COUNTS AS A GROUND RULE DOUBLE.

NOW HE CAN POOP AND PEE FROM ONE

BIG HOLE.

(SCREAMING )

>> Daniel: SEE KIDS, THAT'S WHAT

IT FEELS LIKE TO SHOWER AT PENN

STATE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: CHILDREN REALLY DO

NEED TO GET OUTSIDE MORE.

>> Daniel: IF YOU DON'T LIKE

BEING HELD OUT THE WINDOW QUIT

POOPING IN YOUR PANTS.

YOU HAVE TO RECORD THRILLER

BEFORE YOU DANGLE YOUR BABY OUT

THE WINDOW.

IT'S THE UKRAINE.

THAT KID IS JUST HAPPY TO HAVE A

DAY OFF WORK.

THERE'S A SAFER WAY TO HAVE YOUR

KIDS PLAY OUTSIDE OF YOUR WORK.

>> MIA, ONLY 36 MORE HOURS TO

VEGAS, BABY.

WE'RE GOING TO CIRCUS, CIRCUS.

>> KEEP IT DOWN OR I WILL TURN

INTO A MAIL BOX.

>> ARE YOU INSANE?

>> WELL, THOSE ARE THE OPTIONS.

>> Daniel: I GOT INTO AN

ACCIDENT LATER.

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE TODDLERS MY

CAR WOULD OF TAKEN THE FULL

IMPACT.

ATTENTION LADIES, YOU'RE FATTER

THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.

(OH! )

>> Daniel: A GIANT SLOW MOVING

GATE REALLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

NOT EVERYTHING WORKS LIKE AN

ELEVATOR DOOR.

GOOD THING THE GORTON FISHERMAN

WAS THERE TO SAVE HER LIFE.

IF INDIANA JONES WAS A WOMAN

THAT MOVIE WOULD OF BEEN A LOT

SHORTER.

WHAT'S NEXT?

*

*

>> Daniel: TYPICAL INNER-CITY

PROM.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: NOW LET'S OCCUPY

HARLEM IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

*

>> Daniel: WELCOME TO THE BLOCK

PARTY OF THE SENT ROW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GET AN

E-VITE.

SEEING THIS WOULD DEFINITELY

MAKE ME CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE

OF THE STREET.

I SAW FOOTLOOSE AND I'M STILL

NOT SOLD ON DANCING IN PUBLIC.

HOLY [BEEP] A BLACUZZI.

OKAY I THINK IT'S PERCOLATED.

EVERYTHING IS A DEEPENED WHEN

YOU'RE NOT A STRONG SWIMMER.

HER GRAND MOTHER WAS SPRAYED

WITH A HOSE TOO.

THAT WASN'T NEARLY AS MUCH FUN.

GUYS, YOU SPILLED YOUR LATIFA.

NOW THERE IS A BOX ON A BOX.

I KEEP SWEATERS IN MY

RUBBERMADE.

DON'T FORGET TO BURP IT.

MISS, YOUR PLEASURING YOURSELF

IN MY PARKING SPOT.

*

>> Daniel: THANKS GOD THAT FOOL

HAS A LIFEGUARD.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: YOU BETTER HURRY

THAT'S ONLY A 15 MINUTE BONING

ZONE

I'M JUST BLESSED WE FINALLY

FOUND OUR BLACK SWAN.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

FIRST IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE

MANSCAPING.

>> DO IT.

(OH!)

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

(OH MY GOD!)

>> HOLLER.

>> Daniel: OFFICIALLY THE SUMMER

OF EXPOSED AFRPLZ.

ARMS.

COLLEGIATE APPAREL.

A GREAT YEAR OF FASHION.

THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF YOU

SEASON THREE AND IT COULDN'T OF

COME SOON ENOUGH.

WORKING A HALF HOUR A WEEK IS

BROUGHT AL.

THE STOCK MARKET DOWN, PEOPLE

LOSES THEIR HOMES AND THE NBA

LOCKOUT.

FOR ME PERSONALLY, ZERO

COMPLAINTS.

WE TOOK OUT BIN LADEN, QADDAFI

AND A DICK WITH A WEINER.

A BABY MURDERER WALKED, A

16-YEAR-OLD SAID I DO TO A

PEDOPHILE ON LOST AND ASHTON

KUTCHER CHEATED ON HIS MOM.

CHRIS HANSON WAS A PREDATOR,

STEVE JOBS LEFT US WITHOUT A

NEW iPHONE 5 AND THE MOST

INAPPROPRIATE PLACE TO DO MY

MACHO MAN IMPRESSION WAS A

FUNERAL.

THE HANGOVER 2 TAUGHT US

AMERICANS ARE SO DUMB THEY WILL

PAY TO SEE THE SAME MOVIE TWICE.

AND CONRAD MURRAY TAUGHT US YOU

CAN GO TO JAIL FOR KILLING A

CHILD MOLESTER.

NOW LET'S LOOK AT THE HIGH

POINTS.

SURE COMEDY CENTRAL RERUNS THE

SHOW SO MUCH YOU HAVE SEEN THIS

BEFORE.

WHAT WILL YOU DO SWITCH TO "SONS

OF ANARCHY."

IT'S WAY TO HARD TO FOLLOW.

SIT BACK AND ENJOY THIS WEEK'S

WEB REFLECTION.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WE HAVE SOMETHING REALLY

SPECIAL FOR YOU.

*

*

*

*

*

*

* I GOT ONE QUESTION MAN

* [BEEP]

*

*

*

* HE'S A BAD MAN

* HE'S THE BEST MAN

* HE'S THE BEST MAN

THE BEST*S HE'S*

>> WELCOME BACK TO DANCING WITH

THE INTERNET STARS.

>> DON'T COME IN FOR 5 SECONDS,

30-45 MINUTES.

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO, JUST DO

IT.

>> THERE YOU GO, YA.

>> RIGHT.

THERE.

>> NO ONE LOOKS BAD IN A THONG.

>> HOW MUCH LETTUCE WOULD YOU

SAY YOU HAVE LICKED IN YOUR

LIFETIME?

>> DOZENS.

>> NO.

>> -- YA.

>> WHOSE THE LUCKY, FELLA.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE HARD TO

FIGHT WITH A BONER, AM I RIGHT?

*

*

>> I AM ALL ALONE IN MY BED.

[LAUGHING]

>> NO YOU'RE NOT.

>> NOW YOU KNOW WHAT PRISON IS

LIKE.

>> OOO.

...[LAUGHING]

>> OH, I LOVE THIS.

>> WHY ARE WE NAKED?

>> KIND OF MY THING.

*

*

>> THE BLOCKER.

>> SHUT UP.

>> I DON'T THINK WE'RE IN

COCHELLA ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW HOW TO REVERSE THE

FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK.

>> DANIEL.

>> AHHH ...

*

>> IT'S AMAZING THIS MANY PEOPLE

ARE WASTING THEIR DAY.

>> OKAY.

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

>> AHHH!

>> I'M [BEEP]

>> YOU AIN'T NEVER --

>> [BEEP]

>> HOW ABOUT I DATE YOUR MOM AND

MAKE YOUR BED TIME TWO HOURS

EARLIER.

* YA, I GOT HIM, I GOT HIM

*

*

>> CARDINAL.

*

*

>> THIS IS DEFINITELY BETTER

THAN WAITING IN LIKE AT A SALON.

>> JUMP BALL.

>> OH.

>> MY EYE, MY EYE.

*

*

>> OOH, IT'S WET.

*

*

(SCREAMING )

*

*

*

*HOUGS MOUSE

>> BOOM GOES THE [BEEP]

>> [BEEP] 2011.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: YOU THINK MAKING

JOKES ABOUT A CLIP LIKE THAT IS

EASY?

WELL, IT'S NOT.

I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE

FOREVERMENT I WANT TO MAKE SURE

THE TOSH.O FRANCHISE LIVES ON.

I HELD A OPENING CASTING CALL

AND HELD AUDITIONS TO REPLACE ME

NEXT SEASON.

LITERALLY THOUSANDS SHOWED UP.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME.

>> MIKE TINGLY.

>> TINGLEY.O.

>> BEAUTIFUL.

>> WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

>> FIND JOKES ON TWITTER AND

HAVE WRITERS DO THEM FOR ME.

>> DO YOU SURF.

>> NO.

>> ARE YOU CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR

SEXUALITY?

>> NO.

>> TWO STRIKES.

WHAT ARE YOUR SALARY DEMANDS?

>> MY DAY JOB IS $9 AN HOUR.

>> ANYTHING ABOVE THAT IS --

>> OKAY.

>> WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE

COMEDIANS.

>> JOAN RIVERS.

SHE'S OLD SCHOOL AND TPUTS MY

PERSONALITY.

>> WHY DO YOU WANT TO HOST

TOSH.O.

>> TO BE HONEST I THINK I CAN DO

YOUR JOB BETTER FOR LESS THAN

MINIMUM WAGE.

>> LESS THAN MINIMUM WEIGHING.

>> I'M A MEXICAN.

>> MY FIRST AUDITION.

>> NO WAY.

>> I HOPE YOU NAIL IT.

>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE --

>> A LOT MORE GAY PEOPLE.

>> WHAT WOULD YOU BRING TO THE

SHOW I DON'T DO?

>> I HAVE A GREAT MUSTACHE.

>> DAMN IT YOU.

DO.

>> WHY DO YOU WANT TO HOST THE

SHOW.

>> I HAVE BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR

FOUR YEARS.

>> FOUR YEARS.

>> YES.

>> YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING?

>> YES.

>> THIS IS MY INTERVIEW DRESS.

>> GAY PEOPLE LOVE THE BOOTS

THAT'S WHY I WORE IT.

>> I LOVE THE IDEA OF YOU

HOSTING THE SHOW.

>> I'M A STAY-AT-HOME DAD.

HERE I AM ON TOSH.O.

UFRPBLGS WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE

ABOUT THE SHOW IF YOU WERE THE

HOST OF IT?

>> NO MORE INTERNET VIDEOS.

IT WAS BE A POSITIVE MESSAGE

TOWARDS YOUTH AND DONE IN

SPANISH.

THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT THE SHOW

I WOULD CHANGED A LONG TIME AGO.

>> I HAVE NOOID YA WHY I'M DOWN

HERE.

I'M ON A FIVE DAY VOCODIN TRIP

AND I'M COMING DOWN.

>> YOUR BEST FEATURE.

>> I'M NOT [BEEP] LOOKING.

>> WHAT'S YOUR BEST FEATURE

PHYSICALLY?

>> MY BUSH.

>> A BUSH?

>> FULL BUSH.

>> REALLY.

>> YOU JUST NEVER MANSCAPED ?

>> ONCE.

>> ONE TIME AND WENT BACK TO

FULL BUSH.

>> FULL BUSH.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO GO NAKED

ON CAMERA FOR BITS?

>> I'M WILLING TO SHOW BUSH.

>> THE KICK.

>> THAT'S A GOOD KICK.

>> JOKES FOR THE VIDEO.

>> THIS VIDEO REPHAOUPBDZ ME OF

MY DAD IN MY COMEDY CAREER.

HE POOPS ALL OVER.

SORRY, NERVOUS.

BAD JOKE TO START.

>> I LIKE IT.

>> POOR PANDA.

THE ONLY THING WORST IS

SUBJECTED YOURSELF TO THE NEW

ADAM SANDLER MOVIE.

LEAVE THE TITLE OUT YOU CAN USE

IT TWICE A YEAR.

>> LING-LING GOT BLING BLING

FROM A DING DING.

>> I DON'T SEE NOTHING WRONG

WITH A LITTLE PEEP AND POOH.

I DON'T IF ART KELLY THOUGHT

THESE PAINTERS HOW TO [BEEP]

DRINK PISS [BEEP] [BEEP].

>> AMERICA -- THE BEAR POOP IN

THE WOODS.

GUESS WHAT THEY SAY IN CHINA.

>> WHAT.

>> DOES -- I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHING]

>> A NEW GENERATION OF PISS.

>> YA, I GUESS.

>> LOOKS LIKE MARGARET CHO HAS

GONE PWHRUFPLT.

>> A LOT OF KAKA UP.

THERE.

>> DID THE BEAR DO THIS IN THE

FIRST PLACE HE'S HALF BLACK.

OBAMA COMES INTO PRESIDENCY AND

THEY THINK THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY

WANT.

WE NEED A WHOLE BLACK PRESIDENT.

YOU K-PBL ONLY PEON [BEEP] BUT

FONDLE THEIR TITTIES.

>> I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PANDA

TAKE A PISS BEFORE.

GLAD I HAVE NOW.

>> JOHN, YOU'RE CRAZY.

>> THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.

>> SEE YOU SOON.

>> BYE.

>> WE GOT OUR WINNER.

>> I GUESS ANYONE CAN DO THIS.

IF YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE

L.A. CASTING FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT

YOUR OWN CASTING TO OUR BLOG.

THIS WEEK'S VIEWER VIDEOS COMES

TO US FROM UCB COMEDY.

>> WE'RE EXCITED TO HAVE YOU

HERE AT THE AQUARIUM.

>> I SPENT SO MUCH TIME STUDYING

A OCTOPUS IN THE WILD.

I THINK SO I NEED YOU TO SIGN

THIS SEXUAL CONDUCT AGREEMENT.

>> THIS IS A STATEMENT SAYING I

WON'T HAVE SEX WITH A OCTOPUS.

>> STANDARD PROTOCOL.

>> IT'S UNUSUAL.

>> IS IT?

YOU SPENT THOUSANDS OF HOURS

ALONE WITH NOTHING BUT A

OCTOPUS.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX

WITH A OCTOPUS IN THIS AQUARIUM.

>> THESE RULES APPLY EVEN IF YOU

FALL IN LOVE WITH THE OCTOPUS.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT.

THIS.

>> YOU CAN'T POWER [BEEP] THE

OCTOPUS.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO [BEEP] A

OCTOPUS, OKAY.

>> OKAY.

I'LL LET YOU GET YUN OCTOPUS

HAND JOB.

>> I DON'T WANT THE JOB ANYMORE.

>> I WILL LET YOU WATCH TWO

OCTOPUSES [BEEP] EACH OTHER.

>> ONCE.

>> NO, TUFPLT.

>> I GO EIGHT IN THE INK, ONE IN

THE STINK.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

>> WELCOME, QUACK, HOW MUCH PUSH

UPS YOU DUCKS UP . TO EDDIE

MURPHY HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE

OSCARS AND THEY'RE PLANNING TO

REPLACE HIM WITH THE OLD MAN, MY

GIANT.

I WANT THE A CATTED HE'S TO KNOW

I'M PUTTING MY HAT IN THE RING.

I PUT TOGETHER A SAMPLE REEL OF

WHAT TO EXPECT WITH SOMEONE

FUNNY HE HELM.

AT THE HELM.

>> GOOD EVENING.

WELCOME TO THE 84th ANNUAL

ACADEMY AWARDS.

I'M YOUR HOST DANIEL TOSH.

YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM "THE LOVE

GURU" AND THAT'S IT SORRY IF I

DON'T HIT ALL OF MY MARKS

TONIGHT.

RET RADNER TOLD ME -- FOR

HOMOSEXUALS.

EDDIE MURPHY COULDN'T BE HERE

HE'S BUSINESS OTHER GETTING

BLOWN BY A TRANSGENDER

PROSTITUTE.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK GEORGE

CLOONEY FOR TAKING A BREAK FROM

SCREWING EVERY COCKTAIL

WAITRESS.

LET ME SMELL YOUR FINGER,

GEORGE.

NO WOMAN IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

APPARENTLY THE SCRIPT "MEN WHO

STARE AT GHOSTS" WAS.

MERYL STREEP.

IMAGINE WHAT SHE COULD OF

ACCOMPLISHED IF SHE WAS PLEASANT

TO LOOK AT.

I TEASE YOU'RE AS GORGEOUS AS

YOU CAN BE AT THIS TIME IN YOUR

LIFE.

JAY EDGAR, WHO WOULD OF GUEST

THIS WOULD OF BEEN BORROWING.

MY FAVORITE PART IS THE LADY IN

THE ROW BEHIND ME MADE A PHONE

CALL.

YOU'RE 81 CLINT EASTWOOD.

THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD DIRECT

IS YOUR NURSE FOR ANOTHER SPOON

OF APPLE SAUCE.

NOW A SONG.

* THE OSCAR.

>> Daniel: I'M SURE THE ACADEMY

WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.

LIKE WHEN THEY PICKED ANNE

HATHAWAY AND JAMES FRANCO.

KEEP UP WITH MY BLOG, FOLLOW ME

ON TWITTER AND COME SEE ME ON

TOUR.

FOR THE HOLIDAYS HEAD TO

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

WE HAVE SHIRTS AND HOODIES AND

OTHER STUFF MADE OF COTTON.

UNFORTUNATELY THE FASCIST

LAWYERS WOULDN'T LET ME SELL THE

VIBRATING NIPPLE HEAD THAT.

WOULD HAVE CHANGED LIVES.

FINALLY BEFORE WE GO I'M SICK OF

YOU ASKING ME TO SHOW PUKE

VIDEOS MUCH WE WILL BE GONE

UNTIL 2012.

TO SHUT YOU UP UNTIL THEN I

THOUGHT I WOULD PUT ONE LAST BAD

TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH.

(PUKING SOUNDS)

>> OH MY GOD

(PUKING)

>> OH MY GOD

(PUKING)

>> Daniel: GOOD NIGHT.

MAYBE I WILL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.

*

>> IT'S PRETTY NICE OF ME.

I BROCK IT A LOT OF TIMES.

IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

IT'S CROOKD IN A LOT OF

DIRECTIONS.

I DIG IT.

IT GIVES ME CHARACTER.

>> HOW YOU HAVE BROKEN IT?