Original subtitles

>> TOSH.0 HAS VIDEOS FROM THE

INTERNET.

COMEDY CENTRAL DISCOURAGING

ANYBODY FROM ENJOYING THEM.

ENJOY!

>> TEA BAG MOMMY.

>> GOOD BOY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALRIGHT, NOW GO, DONKEY,

PUNCH YOUR SISTER.

[LAUGHTER]

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

DUE TO AFFIRMATIVE ACTION,

HOWARD UNIVERSITY IS GETTING

REPPED TONIGHT.

AMERICA'S NUMBER 1 STEP TEAM

FIVE YEARS RUNNING!

SUCK IT, HILLMAN.

HUUUUT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ALL THE STEPPING I KNOW.

TONIGHT THE GUY WHO SHOT HIMSELF

GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

WE CELEBRATE JESUS' FAVORITE

FOOTBALL PLAYER.

AND I SHOW YOU WHAT'S BEEN

GETTING ME HARD LATELY.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE

A CHILD DO WHAT HE'S TOLD.

>> TEA BAG MOMMY.

>> SEE, USUALLY WHEN YOUR BALLS

DROP, IT'S NOT ON YOUR MOM'S

FACE.

IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO

INTRODUCE YOUR KIDS TO INCESTUAL

PEDOPHILIA.

[LAUGHTER]

I FOR ONE THINK HAVING A BABY'S

BALLS ON YOUR FOREHEAD MIGHT

FEEL KIND OF REFRESHING.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NOT AS REFRESHING AS MY

DELICIOUS RECIPE FOR HOME-BREWED

SUN TEA.

[LAUGHTER]

MADE FROM THE SWEATIEST STUFF ON

EARTH.

[LAUGHTER]

THE CRAZIEST PART OF THIS NEXT

VIDEO IS THAT PEOPLE STILL WATER

SKI.

>> IN THE MEANTIME, CARL COMING

IN.

SECOND -- OH, NO!

OH, WHAT HAPPENED?

>> HE STILL WENT PRETTY FAR.

>> ARE YOU OKAY, KYLE?

>> ALRIGHT, FOR THAT TO WORK,

YOU NEED TO BE CHEWING JUICY

FRUIT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET IN

THERE.

MEDICAL PERSONNEL AND TRAINED

SWIMMERS ONLY, PLEASE.

>> YEA, TRAINED SWIMMERS ONLY.

UNTRAINED SWIMMERS, PLEASE STAY

IN YOUR BOATS.

>> YEA, IT'S GOING ON YOUTUBE.

NOT IF VIACOM OWNS IT.

THAT'S VERY INSIDE.

YOU KNOW THE NICE THING ABOUT

BLEEDING IN A LAKE IS, IS IT'S

COMPLETELY STERILE.

THOSE THINGS ARE ONLY LIKE 90%

PISS.

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE

TABLE.

AWW.

HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS ONE

OF THE FOUR BLACK GUYS THAT GOES

TO STANFORD.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD NEWS.

YOU JUST BECAME ELIGIBLE FOR A

DISABILITY SCHOLARSHIP.

[LAUGHTER]

LUCKILY EVERY PERSON THERE IS A

DOCTOR.

I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK THIS

NEXT VIDEO MIGHT BE AN INSURANCE

SCAM.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT AS BIG A SCAM AS KIM

KARDASHIAN'S MARRIAGE TO THE

NINTH BEST NEW JERSEY NET.

HUGH HEFNER HAS HAD MORE

BELIEVABLE RELATIONSHIPS THAN

THAT ARMENIAN PIG.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

HE BETTER FILE A CLAIM WITH HIS

ACTING TEACHER.

WITH THE RIGHT LAWYER IN HIS

CORNER, HE'S GOT A REALLY GOOD

CASE.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

>> I'VE LIVED IN MIAMI AND LOS

ANGELES AND I DON'T SPEAK A LICK

OF SPANISH.

IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT, YOU'VE

NEVER BEEN STUCK BEHIND A CITY

BUS.

THIS NEXT GUY FORGOT TO FACTOR

IN THE PART ABOUT HUMANS NOT

BEING ABLE TO FLY.

>> ALL RIGHT, KEEP YOUR EYES ON

THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

>> WHO'S NEXT?

THAT LINE JUST GOT A LOT

SHORTER.

[LAUGHTER]

NOTHING GAYER THAN WHEN THEY

FIND YOUR CORPSE IN A WING SUIT.

[LAUGHTER]

MIGHT AS WELL JUST WEAR STREET

CLOTHES.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S TOUGH TO

SWIM IN?

A WING SUIT.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, HE SHOULD'VE TRIED FLAPPING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S NEXT?

THAT CIRQUE DU SOLEIL PERFORMER

HAS SOME DADDY ISSUES.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, LET'S LIE TO OUR

GIRLFRIENDS ABOUT WHERE WE WERE,

AND HEAD TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD

OF BLACK STRIP CLUBS IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

I THINK IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME

WE'RE IN ATLANTA -- WHERE THE

PLAYERS PLAY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO BLACK PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK

LIKE THEY'RE HAVING SO MUCH MORE

FUN THAN US?

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER, JUST 'CAUSE SHE DANCES

GO-GO, THAT DON'T MAKE HER A HO,

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO CLIMB A

POLE.

ALL YOU NEED ARE POWERFUL THIGHS

AND AN EMPTY SOUL.

OKAY, I'M JUST GOING TO ASK THE

QUESTION, IS IT RACIST FOR BLACK

PEOPLE TO MAKE MONKEY NOISES AT

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE?

[LAUGHTER]

[ANIMAL NOISES]

LISTEN TO THE MC.

SO THAT'S WHAT CHRIS TUCKER'S

BEEN DOING THESE DAYS.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, GOOD FOR SMOKEY.

BY THE WAY, HE'S NOT BEING

OFFENSIVE.

HER STRIPPER NAME IS ACTUALLY

"THIS BITCH."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S EASY TO ENFORCE THE

NO-TOUCHING RULE WHEN YOU'RE 30

FEET ABOVE THE GROUND.

NOW GET BACK DOWN SO WE CAN ALL

STARE AT YOUR [BLEEP] WITHOUT

USING BINOCULARS.

[BLEEP]

CAREFUL, YOU'RE A SINGLE MOM.

AH, MUST HAVE BEEN A RAIN DANCE.

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.

IT'S ABOUT $37 IN SINGLES.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S TAKING A MOMENT TO REFLECT.

I'M JUST SHOCKED WE FINALLY

FOUND SOMETHING THAT CAN KEEP A

BLACK AUDIENCE QUIET, AND FOR

THAT, WE THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GUY

WHO SHOT HIMSELF, BUT FIRST

BECAUSE SO MUCH IS RIDING UNDER

YOUR TIRES.

[APPLAUSE]

>> I JUST [BLEEP] SHOT MYSELF.

OH, SON OF A BITCH.

I JUST SHOT MYSELF.

>> NICE SHOT.

THAT HEAT PACKING HICK IS TEX,

AND LIKE EVERY GUY NAMED TEX, HE

LOVES GUNS.

GUN PLAY IS AMERICA'S NATIONAL

PASTIME.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE ENJOYABLE

THAN WATCHING A GOOD GUN FIGHT

ON TV, OR IN THE MOVIES, OR ON A

HIGH SCHOOL SURVEILLANCE CAMERA.

PERSONALLY, I'M A PROPONENT OF

GUN CONTROL.

NOT TO SAVE LIVES.

I JUST DON'T WANT GUY RITCHIE TO

MAKE ANY MORE MOVIES.

PLUS, ANYTHING ARIZONA'S IN

FAVOR OF IS PROBABLY BAD FOR

AMERICA.

YOU DON'T NEED GUNS TO MAKE A

STATEMENT.

TRUCKS PACKED WITH FERTILIZER

WORK JUST FINE.

AND YOU DEFINITELY DON'T NEED A

FULLY AUTOMATIC WEAPON TO HUNT.

OMAHA STEAKS WILL MAIL MEAT TO

YOUR HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE NOT GONNA USE YOUR GUN,

IT'S JUST GOING TO SIT IN YOUR

DRAWER UNTIL EVENTUALLY YOUR

TEENAGE SON KILLS HIMSELF WITH

IT.

IF YOU SUPPORT THE SECOND

AMENDMENT, THEN LET ME EXERCISE

MY SUPPORT OF OUR FIRST

AMENDMENT.

YOU'RE A [BLEEP] IDIOT.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE THIRD

AMENDMENT IS?

THE RIGHT TO KICK SOLDIERS OUT

OF YOUR HOUSE WHEN THE

REVOLUTIONARY WAR IS OVER.

THE CONSTITUTION ISN'T RELEVANT

ANYMORE.

BUT AT LEAST OUR FOREFATHERS

SETTLED THEIR DISPUTES LIKE MEN.

IF WE STILL HAD GOOD OLD

FASHIONED DUELS, EITHER CONAN OR

LENO WOULD BE DEAD AND TBS WOULD

HAVE MORE ROOM FOR MORE RERUNS

OF TYLER PERRY'S HOLY [BLEEP]

BLACK PEOPLE WILL WATCH ANYTHING

WITH MY NAME IN FRONT OF IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AFRICA HAS IT RIGHT.

JUST GIVE EVERY 12 YEAR OLD AN

AK-47 AND LET THINGS WORK

THEMSELVES OUT.

TEX LOST A QUICK DRAW CONTEST

AGAINST A PAPER TARGET AND ENDED

UP WITH A BULLET BURIED IN HIS

THIGH.

SO WE FLEW HIM OUT TO THE

DRIVE-BY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[APPLAUSE]

>> HOW DID, TEX.

I KNEW I'D FIND YOU IN THE GUN

SECTION OF WALMART.

ARE YOU PACKING?ETHING

>> NO.

>> I'D LIKE TO PACK YOU DOWN

JUST TO MAKE SURE.

THAT'S OKAY.

>> WHAT DO WE HAVE THERE, TEX?

>> LET'S GET SOME GUNS.

>> NO SEVEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD

FOR CELEBRITIES.

WHY DID YOUR PARENTS NAME YOU

TEX?

>> MY NAME IS ABNER.

I WANTED TO LIKE HAVE SOMETHING

WITH A LITTLE ZIP.

I TEX ABNER.

>> TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT

HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> I PUT MY FINGER ON THE

HOLSTER BEFORE MY FINGER WAS ON

THE TARGET.

THE GUNSHOT AND THE BULLET WENT

THROUGH MY THIGH.

>> DID IT HIT YOUR NEAR?

>> I'M A GOD-FEARING MAN.

THERE'S NO REASON THIS BULLET

SHOULD MAKE A 90-DEGREE TURN BUT

I'D DID IT?

>> DID IT HIT ANYTHING?

>> I'M NOT AGAINST DROPPING

TROWEL AND SHOWING IT.

>> GODDAMNIT I WANT YOU TO DROP

TROWEL.

>> WHAT SOME LEGS.

>> I'VE BEEN ON THE ELLIPTICAL

TRAINER.

>> IT GOES THROUGH HERE, MAKES A

TURN TO THE RIGHT.

GOD LIKES ME AND SAID YOU'RE A

DUMB MOTHER [BLEEP] BUT I LIKE

YOU.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT IN ALL IT'S

GLORY.

>> WERE YOU BY YOURSELF OUT

THERE?

>> YES, I WAS BY MYSELF.

BY THE WAY, I HAVE ASPIRATIONS

OF GOING INTO POLICE WORK, WHICH

IS WHY I TRAINED SO RIGOROUSLY

WITH FIREARMS BECAUSE I'D LIKE

TO BE PROFICIENT AT IT BEHIND

THE BADGE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

HOPEFULLY THEY WON'T SEE THAT

VIDEO.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> I JUST [BLEEP] SHOT MYSELF.

>> WHAT DO YOU DRIVE?

PRIUS?

>> JEEP CHEROKEE.

>> YOU JUST DROVE YOURSELF TO

THE EMERGENCY ROOM?

>> THIS IS ALL I SAW.

I HAD NO IDEA --

>> YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE

ENTRY WOUND.

>> I HAD NO IDEA HOW I WAS

WALKING BUT I WAS WALKING.

>> DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WHIP

TEXAS WALKER?

>> I DON'T THINK I COULD WHIP

HIM BUT I HAVE DRANK MY OWN PEA

AND IT TASTES LIKE WARM FLAT

BEER.

>> YOU KNOW ON THAT SHOW THEY

SUBSTITUTE APPLE JUICE IN.

>> POTENTIALLY BUT YEAH, I DRANK

MY OWN PISS.

>> YOU A MEMBER OF THE NRA?

>> YES.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OBAMA?

>> I'D RATHER NOT ANSWER.

>> WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR GUNS

AT HOME?

>> NOT ANSWERING THAT ONE.

>> IF YOU WERE GOING TO FINISH

THE JOB OR YOURSELF WHAT GUN

WOULD YOU USE?

>> I'D GO OUT WITH THE DESERT

EAGLE.

IT'S ISRAELI.

HOW ABOUT THEM JEWS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT DO YOU HUNT?

>> IF IT BLEEDS, I'D PROBABLY

HUNT IT.

HOWEVER I DO OCCASIONALLY HUNT

MUSHROOMS AS WELL.

>> YOU EVER HUNT ON MUSHROOMS?

>> PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.

>> IF YOU'D GO ANYWHERE TO HUNT,

WHERE WOULD IT BE?

>> PROBABLY BACK IN TIME.

IN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY,

THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST,

RIGHT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I HOPE SO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR KIDS

THAT MIGHT WANT TO GET INTO

SHOOTING THEMSELVES?

PROBABLY NOT WHAT I WANTED TO

SAY --

>> NOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY.

>> ANY ADVICE FOR KIDS AT SCHOOL

THAT WANT TO BUY GUNS?

>> TALK TO A COUNSELOR.

>> ANY ADVICE FOR KIDS THAT WANT

TO SHOOT SOMETHING?

KIDS WANT TO LEARN TO PROPERLY

USE A GUN.

ANY ADVICE FOR HIM?

OR HER.

>> I'M BIG INTO WOMEN KNOWING

HOW TO USE GUNS.

IF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE COMES, I

WANT THEM TO SURVIVE.

>> I'D LIKE TO PUT ON SLEEVES.

IF I FEEL LIKE DOING A PERSONAL

APPEARANCE OR SOMETHING, THEN

I'LL LEAVE THE HAT ON.

>> ALL RIGHT, TEX.

BEFORE WE LET YOU PAY WITH GUNS

AGAIN, I NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU

KNOW WHAT THINGS YOU CAN AND

CANNOT SHOOT.

I GOT TO GET A NEW TARGET.

MINE IS ALL SOGGY.

WHAT ARE YOU SHOOTING AT?

I'M SURE SHE'S DEAD.

JESUS.

YOU NEED TO SHOOT JESUS.

IF HE DOESN'T DIE, THEN WE CAN'T

GO TO HEAVEN.

OKAY.

BLACK JESUS.

>> DOES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

>> THAT'S GOOD.

KILL HIM.

>> DON'T GET SO EXCITED TO SHOOT

BLACK JESUS.

ARE YOU GOING TO SHOOT YOURSELF?

>> NO.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

>> YOU DID GREAT, TEX.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF GUN

SAFETY IS NOT GETTING SHOT.

>> YEAH, IT IS.

>> IF YOU CAN PASS THIS FINAL

TEST, YOU MIGHT BE THE ONE.

>> WHAT?

>> AM I IN THE MATRIX?

>> NOBODY CAN TELL YOU WHAT THE

MATRIX IS.

YOU HAVE TO FEEL IT FOR

YOURSELF.

WE'RE WILLING TO WIPE THE SLATE

CLEAN.

GIVE YOU A FRESH START.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> UM.

>> IMPRESSIVE.

>> DID YOU HEAR THAT,

MR. ANDERSON?

THAT IS THE SOUND OF

INEVITABILITY.

IT'S THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN

DEATH.

GOOD-BYE, MR. ANDERSON.

>> MY NAME IS TEX.

[GUN SHOTS].

[SCREAMING].

>> OH, MY GOSH!

WAKE UP.

MY BABY!

>> IT'S POOR CITY PLANNING HERE

IN THE MATRIX.

[APPLAUSE]

>> FOR THE RECORD, THAT WAS NOT

A MATRIX PARODY.

THAT WAS A MATRIX REVOLUTIONS

PARODY.

NOBODY DOES THOSE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

IT'S OUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DON'T HIT YOURSELF IN THE

HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> STRAP IT ON.

>> OH, GOOD.

>> GET UP!

THAT'S CALLED TEBOWING AND IT'S

ONE MORE REASON TO HATE TIM

TEBOW.

BEFORE AND AFTER EVERY GAME, HE

TAKES A KNEE AND REFLECTS WITH

GOD.

BUT IF TEBOW WAS REALLY A GOOD

CHRISTIAN HE'D HONOR THE SABBATH

AND KEEP IT HOLY BY NOT WORKING

EVERY SUNDAY.

I GET THAT TEBOW'S A LEADER ON

THE FIELD, BUT YOU KNOW WHO'D BE

EVEN BETTER IN A HUDDLE?

A PROFESSIONAL QUARTERBACK.

HE'S NOT A PASSER WHO'S A THREAT

TO RUN.

HE'S A TIGHT END WHO LINES UP IN

THE WILDCAT.

HE SEEMED GOOD IN COLLEGE

BECAUSE HE WAS SHOTPUTTING

6-YARD DUMP SCREENS TO A SAFETY

VALVE.

OH, HE WON THE HEISMAN?

GREAT, SO DID CHARLIE WARD, AND

HE SAT ON THE KNICKS BENCH FOR

EIGHT YEARS.

HE'S THE ONLY ATHLETE WHO BRAGS

ABOUT BEING A VIRGIN.

AT LEAST TONY ROMO BANGS DUDES.

KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE BIBLE

VERSES AND ABSTINENCE TALK.

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT

YOUR V-CARD GOT SWIPED PLENTY

DOWN IN GAINESVILLE.

DENVER IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT

HIM, BUT TRY TELLING THAT TO A

STADIUM FULL OF CHANTING HILL

PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYONE IS TEBOWING THESE DAYS,

BUT I DON'T THINK THEY

UNDERSTAND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS.

WHEN YOU DROP DOWN IN PRAYER

LIKE HIM, IT SHOULD BE AFTER

YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING AWFUL,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT TIM TEBOW

REPRESENTS, BEING AWFUL.

[LAUGHTER]

[BOOING]

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHO TEBOWS AFTER TAKING A

DUMP?

>> I'M NOT.

TEBOW AIN'T GAY.

>> THAT OFFICIALLY PUTS IN END

TO TEBOWING FOR GOOD.

SPEAKING OF NAMING DUMB [BLEEP]

AFTER PEOPLE, LAST WEEK, I

INTRODUCED YOU TO QADAFFI'ING,

AND YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN BUSY

SHOVING STUFF UP YOUR FRIENDS'

ASSES ALL WEEK LONG.

[LAUGHTER]

>> QADDAFI!

>> QADDAFI!

>> QADDAFI.

[LAUGHTER]

>> QADDAFI!

[BLEEP].

>> QADDAFI!

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP].

>> QADDAFI!

[BLEEP].

>> QADDAFI!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> QADDAFI.

>> QADDAFI!

[LAUGHTER]

>> WOO!

>> I LIKE THE SHOWMANSHIP.

THAT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE LEGACY

FOR THAT DICTATOR.

BUT NOTHING WILL TOP THE

ORIGINAL VIDEO, BECAUSE THAT WAS

A REAL KNIFE, AND HE DIED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

PULP COMICS.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME BLACK.

NEXT WEEK IS OUR BIG SEASON

FINALE.

WE DID 30 EPISODES THIS YEAR.

THAT IS WAY MORE THAN YOU

DESERVE.

MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN BECAUSE I

WILL MAKING A SHOCKING

ANNOUNCEMENT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU GUYS IN FIVE

SECONDS.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN

LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND COME SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE

HOLIDAYS.

FINALLY, THE OTHER DAY, I SAW A

VIDEO OF A PREGNANT LADY

DANCING.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT REALLY

TURNED ME ON, SO I ORDERED MY

STAFF TO FIND MORE AND CUT

TOGETHER A LITTLE MONTAGE.

**

**

**

[LAUGHTER]

I WISH THEY COULD STAY PREGNANT

FOREVER.

GOOD JOB, FATSOS.

[BLEEP] ALL, Y'ALL.

GOODNIGHT.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]