Original subtitles

[audience ohs]

- ARE YOU OKAY?

[cheers and applause]

- AH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT CLIP ON MTV

IN A YEAR AND A HALF.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE HIGH POINT OF YOUR SEASON, LONGHORNS.

TONIGHT WE FIND OUT IF THIS GUY IS ALIVE,

I CHAT WITH AN UP AND COMING NEW ARTIST,

AND I FIND OUT HOW MUCH OF THE QADDAFI VIDEO

I CAN ACTUALLY SHOW ON TV.

NOW LET'S GO BACK AND SEE WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PERFORM

STUNTS ON A CLOSED COURSE.

YEAH, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT MOTORCYCLES.

YOU NEVER HEAR THEM COMING.

OH, I HOPE SHE WASN'T THE CUTE ONE.

LIKE, EVEN THE DOG KNOWS NOT TO STAND ON THE TRACK.

AND SHE WAS JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD PART

OF HER REALLY LONG STORY.

HERE'S JUST ANOTHER DRUNK AFTERNOON

IN THE RED SOX CLUBHOUSE.

- ONE MORE, ONE MORE, ONE MORE!

- THEY'RE BOTH OUT!

ESPN JUST FOUND THEIR NEXT 30 FOR 30.

LOOK AT THIS. HE DOESN'T SPILL A DROP.

THAT IS A TRUE ALCOHOLIC.

AH, THEY'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT LATER

WHEN THEY'RE ON THEIR DOUBLE DATE RAPE.

TIME FOR A LITTLE SKANK ON STANK ACTION.

- YOU'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

- WE'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK,

AND WE SHOT A DEAD SKUNK.

- YOU GONNA KISS HIM?

KISS HIS LIPS.

- EW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE--

'CAUSE LOOK AT ITS MOUTH.

EW, IT'S WET!

- HER CLEAVAGE IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO OVERCOME THE FACT

THAT SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH A ROTTING CARCASS.

REALLY PUTTING THAT HPV VACCINE TO THE TEST.

- EW, IT'S WET!

- AH, PEPE LE PEW FINALLY GETS A CHICK,

AND HE ISN'T ALIVE TO ENJOY IT.

WHO AM I TO JUDGE?

EVERYONE MOURNS IN THEIR OWN WAY.

- GOD, I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BUDDY.

- I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I'M AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

GONNA MISS YOU. AW, MAN.

AH, IT'S SO WET!

AH.

[laughs]

- HAVE SOME RESPECT! THIS IS MY SON!

- THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED.

THE ULTIMATE HOT BOX.

[flatulence]

OH!

THAT ONE'S WET.

IT'S WEIRD THAT THE GUY FROM BIRMINGHAM

ALWAYS WANTS TO VOLUNTEER FOR THE KISSING SKETCHES.

HERE'S HOW YOU GET BULLIED IN HOME SCHOOL.

JUST GIVE YOURSELF YOUR LUNCH MONEY BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

- OH, GOD!

- OH, THAT IS NOT A BAD WAY TO GET YOUR STEPDAD ARRESTED.

ALL RIGHT, YES, YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT,

BUT DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT.

THAT SHIRT SAYS "SLAYER,"

BUT HE HITS LIKE THOSE PUSSIES IN METALLICA.

ALL RIGHT, SOMETIMES THE "N" WORD CAN BE ADORABLE.

- [baby mumbling]

NIGGA.

- THAT WAS HIS FIRST WORD.

HIS SECOND WAS "ROLL TIDE."

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

- NIGGA.

- OH, THEY MUST HAVE PLAYED A LOT OF BIGGIE IN THE WOMB.

- NIGGA.

- OH, HIS BEST FRIEND IS BLACK,

SO IT'S OKAY.

- NIGGA.

- THAT IS THE ONE DARNDEST THING COSBY WOULDN'T LIKE.

- NIGGA. - MAYBE HE JUST SAID IT

TO TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM THE WORD.

- NIGGA. - OKAY, IN FAIRNESS,

"AFRICAN AMERICAN" IS JUST TOO HARD FOR A BABY TO PRONOUNCE.

- NIGGA.

- ALL RIGHT. THAT LAST ONE WAS JUST FOR ME.

WHAT'S NEXT?

OOH, THAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO TRIM YOUR MUSTACHE.

[imitates Fire Marshal Bill] LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING...

[normal voice] IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, THAT HAS GOT TO BE A RECORD TURNOUT

FOR A FIRE SAFETY DEMONSTRATION.

MORE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS THAN EVER WATCHED RESCUE ME.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR FIREMAN?

EXTRA CRISPY, I HOPE.

TODAY PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST DAY

TO GO HEAVY ON THE AFTERSHAVE.

THIS IS DEFINITELY GONNA KEEP HIM OUT OF NEXT YEAR'S

SEXY FIREMAN CALENDAR.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS IT ABOUT BURNING ALIVE

THAT MAKES YOU FORGET ALL YOUR TRAINING?

AND YOU GET SOME FIRE.

AND YOU GET SOME FIRE.

NOBODY WANTS TO SPEND A MONTH IN THE BURN WARD ALONE.

HE'S LIKE GODDAMN MARIO WITH THOSE FIREBALLS.

I HOPE FOR HIS SAKE HE GETS AN EXTRA LIFE.

THIS IS TURNING INTO TEXAS A&M ALL OVER AGAIN.

I'M JUST GLAD ONCE THOSE SPECTATORS' BLISTERS HEAL,

THEY'LL REMEMBER WHAT NOT TO DO, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF BUMPER FACE,

BUT FIRST, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A SWALLOWER.

[sensual music]

*

- OH, [bleep]!

OH, MY--

[audience groans]

- SO THAT'S WHAT CHILD SAFETY LOCKS ARE FOR.

DOES TRIPLE-A TOW TO THE HOSPITAL?

THAT'S MATT, AND HE'S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE

WHO CAN SAY HE GOT HIT BY A PARKED CAR.

BUT WHETHER OR NOT IT KILLED HIM

IS ONE OF THE GREAT, UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF THE INTERNET.

NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES CAN BE VERY TRAUMATIC.

LIKE ONCE, THERE WAS THIS KID WHO GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT

AND COULDN'T COME TO SCHOOL, BUT WHEN HE FINALLY CAME BACK,

HIS HAIR HAD TURNED FROM BLACK INTO BRIGHT WHITE.

all: * MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM

* MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM

- A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

IS THE LORD PLAYING CATCH AND RELEASE WITH YOUR SOUL.

ANYTIME I KNOW I'LL BE TAKING RISKS,

I BRING ALONG MY HEBREW FRIEND,

BECAUSE IF WE DO DIE,

WE CAN SETTLE THIS JESUS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE.

THERE'S NO LIGHT AND NO LONG TUNNEL.

THAT'S JUST YOUR BRAIN SHUTTING DOWN

AND YOUR EYES SWITCHING OFF.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT MYSELF,

BUT I DO DIE A LITTLE BIT

EVERY TIME I HEAR SOMEONE SAY RICKY GERVAIS

IS A FUNNY STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

DOES THAT COUNT?

SHIA LABEOUF MADE THE MISTAKE

OF THINKING MOVIE FIGHTING WAS THE SAME

AS REAL PEOPLE FIGHTING.

HE DIDN'T DIE,

BUT HE DID HAVE TO RETURN TO THE HELL OF BEING SHIA LABEOUF.

NO ONE HAS MORE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE THAN GIRLS.

"I ALMOST DIED WHEN SHE WALKED IN WEARING THE SAME DRESS."

I HOPE YOU BOTH DIE SO I NEVER HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE AGAIN.

PEOPLE DON'T DO ANYTHING GOOD

WITH THEIR SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE ANYHOW.

TUPAC LIVED AFTER HE GOT SHOT SIX TIMES,

AND CELEBRATED BY GETTING SHOT SIX MORE TIMES.

MATT WAS JUST LEANING OUT OF A CAR

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF STUPID STUFF KIDS DO.

SO LET'S FIND OUT IF BEING DUMBER THAN A GOLDEN RETRIEVER

COST HIM HIS LIFE IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

WELCOME TO TOSH.OPRAH!

REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT,

BECAUSE EVERYONE IN TODAY'S STUDIO AUDIENCE

IS GOING HOME WITH CHEWED GUM AND OR BOOGERS!

[cheers and applause]

THIS NEXT VIDEO IS OF A YOUNG MAN

WHO WAS IN AN AWFUL ACCIDENT.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU, IT'S GRAPHIC.

AND A LITTLE FUNNY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

- OH, [bleep]! OH, MY--

- SADLY, IT'S OBVIOUS FROM WATCHING THAT

THAT HE DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH.

AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE HIS FANS CLOSURE.

BUT [bleep] ME IF HIS PARENTS DIDN'T CALL THE SHOW

AND TELL ME HE'S STILL ALIVE.

WELCOME THE KID WHO GOT HIS FACE SMASHED WITH A BUMPER.

MATT LAKE!

[upbeat music, cheers and applause]

OH. HAVE A SEAT.

[nervous laugh] MAKE EYE CONTACT.

MAKE EYE CONTACT.

MATT, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TODAY.

I KNOW IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT.

TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

- WE WERE DRIVING AROUND.

WE SEEN ANDY ON HIS BIKE.

SO SAID, "TURN RIGHT HERE.

I'M GONNA SMACK ANDY ON HIS HEAD OUT THE CAR."

- NO REASON NOT TO DO THAT. - RIGHT.

I BELIEVE MY THOUGHT WAS

IF I HOLD ON TO THE CAR HARD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW,

AND I JUST REACH OUT AND SMACK HIM GOING 35,

THAT I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO GET BACK IN THE CAR.

- 35 MILES AN HOUR--THAT WAS THE SPEED YOU WERE GOING?

- RIGHT.

- THAT'S FASTER THAN I WANTED TO HEAR.

I'LL BE HONEST.

THAT'S PRETTY INTENSE. OKAY.

- IN THE VIDEO, YOU'LL HEAR A KNOCK,

AND IT'S WHERE WE DO HIT ANDY'S BIKE WITH THE CAR.

[click] - OH, [bleep]!

OH, MY--

- INSTEAD OF A BUMPER,

LIKE I'VE ALREADY HEARD EVERYBODY SAYING,

I HIT THE HEADLIGHT OF THE CAR.

- WITH YOUR FACE. - RIGHT.

- WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

- SMACK ANDY.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY THAT CAR.

AND WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS DO?

- MY FRIENDS WERE WALKING AROUND.

THEY PICK UP MY TEETH FROM THE GROUND, AND--

- HOW SCARED [bleep]LESS WERE THEY?

- I IMAGINE IT MUST HAVE BEEN [bleep] FOR THEM

THAN FOR ME, LIKE--

- RIGHT. YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS.

- YOU KNOW, THEY JUST GOT TO WATCH ME DIE.

- DID THEY DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL,

OR DID THEY JUST CALL AN AMBULANCE?

- THEY CALLED AN AMBULANCE.

TAKES ABOUT 45 MINUTES FOR THE AMBULANCE TO GET THERE,

WHILE I'M--

- THAT DOESN'T SEEM SPEEDY.

- THE PUDDLE OF BLOOD SURROUNDED,

YOU KNOW, FROM CURB TO CURB.

- WAIT, WAIT. FROM CURB TO CURB?

- YES.

- THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S POOR DRAINAGE, THOUGH.

WERE YOU CONSCIOUS THE WHOLE TIME?

- I CAME BACK AT ONE POINT.

THEY SET ME UP AGAINST THE CAR THAT I'D HIT, YOU KNOW?

- YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SIT SOMEBODY UP

AFTER THEY'VE HIT THEIR FACE INTO A CAR AT 35 MILES AN HOUR.

- I REMEMBER, YOU KNOW, WIPING MY FACE AND GOING,

"DUDE, WHAT THE [bleep] HAPPENED?"

AND RIGHT WHEN I WIPED IT,

MY WHOLE HAND WAS FULL OF BLOOD.

LIKE, DARK RED.

SO I JUST BLACKED RIGHT BACK OUT.

- THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

- MY FOUR FRONT TEETH

WERE EJECTED FROM THE ROOF,

WHICH SHATTERED THE PALATE,

AS WELL AS RIPPED MY LIP IN, LIKE, AN "L" SHAPE,

WHERE YOU COULD PEEL IT LIKE THIS,

AND SHATTERED MY NOSE.

THEN, AFTER I HIT,

I CAME BACK DOWN, CRACKED MY SKULL IN THREE PLACES.

- HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THIS HAPPENED?

- 15. - HOLY [bleep].

YOU REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD.

NOW DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? - YEAH.

- HOW IRONIC THAT YOUR KARMA WAS A CAR.

WHOSE INSURANCE COVERS THAT?

- THE DRIVER.

- THE DRIVER OF THE PARKED CAR.

- THE DRIVER OF THE CAR I WAS IN.

- COVERED IT? - NO, IT DID NOT COVER IT.

- OH. - THEY CALLED ME,

AND, UH, AFTER I OPENLY ADMITTED TO OPENING THE DOOR,

THEY--THEY BASICALLY HUNG UP ON ME,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE ARE NOT COVERING THAT."

YOU KNOW, "IT'S YOUR FAULT."

- WHAT'S THE DEDUCTIBLE ON YOUR FACE?

- 3/4 MILLION.

- [laughs]

HOLY [bleep].

MATT, DID YOU REMEMBER TO LEAVE A NOTE

ON THAT OTHER GUY'S CAR?

- I LEFT MY MARK.

- DID YOU GET CHARGED THE DAMAGE FOR THEIR CAR?

- I DIDN'T.

THE DRIVER OF THE CAR

HAD TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGE TO THE HEADLIGHT.

- I THINK IF SOME KID'S FACE SMASHED MY CAR,

JUST THE HEADLIGHT,

I THINK I'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA PAY FOR THAT."

DID YOUR PARENTS GROUND YOU?

- I WAS SENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS.

- OH, SO THEY JUST GOT RID OF YOU.

- RIGHT. THEY JUST SHIPPED ME OFF.

I WAS LIKE, "THANKS, MA."

- I WISH I WAS REAL OPRAH.

I'D PROBABLY HAVE SOMETHING MEANINGFUL TO SAY RIGHT NOW.

ARE YOU GUYS BETTER NOW? - NO.

- WELL, THAT'S, UH, GOOD. I MEAN, AS LONG AS--

AS LONG AS SHE, UH, KICKED YOU OUT WHEN YOU WERE 15.

YOU KNOW, THOSE-- THOSE MEANINGLESS YEARS.

DID YOU CALL SHOTGUN THAT DAY?

- NO.

- THAT'S THE LESSON YOU LEARN FROM ALL THIS.

CALL SHOTGUN, KIDS.

SINCE THE ACCIDENT EIGHT YEARS AGO,

NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR FACE.

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF THE BANDAGES, MATT?

- YEAH, THIS THING'S ITCHY.

- [retches]

OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU LOOK AMAZING.

- THANK YOU.

- WE AT TOSH.OPRAH ARE ALL ABOUT MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE.

AND THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YES.

- LET'S GO [bleep] YOUR FRIEND UP.

- [screeches]

- MATT, GET IN. THIS IS MY FRIEND GAIL.

- WHAT'S UP?

- PUT THIS ON. YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.

- [shrieks]

- IS THAT HIM?

- YEAH, THAT'S ANDY RIGHT THERE.

- ALL RIGHT, GET HIM.

[suspenseful music]

*

- WHOO!

- YEAH!

- OH, GAIL.

IF YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK AT HOME,

THAT WAS OUR OLDEST MOVIE PARODY TO DATE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, CHECK OUT THIS WIENER DOG.

- SHAKE.

UP.

GOOD. NOW CIRCLE.

GOOD BOY. SIT.

SHOW YOUR WIENER.

GOOD BOY.

[classical music]

*

- THAT'S PRICASSO,

AND STROKE-FOR-STROKE,

HE IS MY FAVORITE PENIS PAINTER IN THE WORLD.

BUT I WANTED TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS GUY'S TALENT.

SO, LIVE VIA SKYPE, ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA,

PLEASE WELCOME PRICASSO.

- GOOD DAY. IT'S GREAT TO BE ON YOUR SHOW.

- SORRY MY AUDIENCE DIDN'T CLAP.

THEY'RE ASSHOLES.

I HAVE THAT SAME OUTFIT. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOUR PARENTS WOULD NAME YOU PRICASSO

AND YOU TURNED OUT TO BE AN ARTIST WHO PAINTS WITH HIS WANG?

- VERY, VERY SLIM, I RECKON.

- HEY, WHAT MAKES THE BEST BRUSH?

FLACCID, SEMI-CHUB, OR FULLY AROUSED?

- A FLACCID BRUSH IS DEFINITELY PREFERABLE,

BECAUSE YOU CAN BEND IT, STRETCH IT, SQUASH IT,

AND YOU'RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT,

YOU KNOW, WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING AS WELL.

YOU KNOW? AT LEAST I DON'T.

IF I GET AN ERECTION, ALWAYS GET A LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSED,

I MUST SAY.

- YEAH, I KNOW THE FEELING.

ALWAYS TRYING TO HIDE MY BONER AROUND HERE.

HEY, IS IT THE SIZE OF THE BRUSH,

OR THE MOTION OF THE STROKES?

- IT'S THE MOTION OF THE STROKES, REALLY.

A NORMAL, AVERAGE-SIZED PENIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST.

- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I TRY TO CONVINCE EVERY GIRL OF.

HEY, DO THE BALLS COME INTO PLAY AT ALL?

- YEAH, I PAINT WITH MY TESTICLES.

YOU JUST GRAB HOLD OF THE WHOLE LOT AND STRETCH 'EM OUT.

YOU CAN ABSORB A LOT OF PAINT ON THE TESTICLES.

THEN YOU JUST FLAP 'EM AROUND, YOU KNOW?

LIKE THAT.

- YEAH, I'M FLAPPING MINE AROUND RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU HEAR THAT?

HEY, IS IT DANGEROUS TO PLUG UP YOUR PEE HOLE WITH PAINT?

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT DOESN'T REALLY.

IT ONLY GOES UP, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT IN THERE,

AND THEN YOU JUST FLUSH IT OUT.

DRINK A LOT AND FLUSH.

- OH, YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE SUCK IT OUT.

LIKE A SNAKE BITE.

DO YOU EVER GROW YOUR PUBES OUT

AND USE THEM TO ADD TEXTURE TO YOUR WORK?

- NO, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY PUBES

FOR, LIKE, SEVEN YEARS NOW, SO.

- GOT A BLANK CANVAS MYSELF. SINCE '92.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER, UH, BEING MY PERSONAL MAKEUP ARTIST?

- I HAVE PAINTED, ACTUALLY, PEOPLE'S FACES BEFORE, YEAH.

- AH, GIRLS HATE IT WHEN YOU PAINT IN THEIR HAIR.

I UNDERSTAND YOU PAINTED A PORTRAIT OF ME.

MAY I SEE IT?

- YEP. I PAINTED IT THIS MORNING WHEN YOU RANG UP.

- OH, WOW.

THAT MIGHT BE YOUR MASTERPIECE, PRICASSO.

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO PAINT THAT?

- TAKES ABOUT 15 MINUTES TO PAINT ONE.

UM, YOU KNOW, I DID THE--

DID THE HAIR THERE WITH, UM, WITH MY TESTICLES.

AND THESE ARE MY BUTT CHEEKS.

- THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

WERE YOU ABLE TO STAY FLACCID

WHILE YOU WERE PAINTING MY PORTRAIT?

- UH, YES, I DEFINITELY WAS.

YEAH, UM... [laughs]

UM, NO, NO, IT'S QUITE EASY.

I'M PRETTY WELL CONTROLLED. - ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US, PRICASSO.

- WELL, THANK YOU.

UH, DANIEL, ISN'T IT? YEAH.

- GOOD TO KNOW I'M HUGE IN AUSTRALIA.

MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR BLOG TO SEE THE ACTUAL VIDEO

OF PRICASSO USING HIS SCHLONG TO PAINT MY PORTRAIT.

WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR THE CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER-- OOH, IT'S A DOOZY.

IT COMES FROM ANDREW ROSE AND KURUSHI BAKHTIARI.

- * I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I WALK LIKE THIS *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I DANCE LIKE THIS *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I CAN ONLY COUNT TO SIX *

* WHAT THE HECK COME AFTER SIX *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I ALWAYS WEAR CLOTHES *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT ASIAN *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I NEVER SEEN A FLOWER *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'VE SEEN GOD *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'VE NEVER BEEN HUNGRY *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I LIKE TO CLAP *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I DO A BLACK-FLIP *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M ALWAYS DRUNK *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, NEED AN ABORTION? *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I BURNED DOWN A HOSPITAL *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I JUMP ACROSS THE STREET *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I SLEEP IN A CHAIR *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND MY BUTT IS A MAGNET *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND IMMUNE TO AIDS *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I ONLY LIKE ANAL *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND DOCTORS SAY I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M ALLERGIC TO MY TONGUE *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I GOT TO PEE WITH THE LIGHTS OFF *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GRAVITY *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND I'M--MM! *

* I'M SHI-THEAD, AND EVERYTHING'S A JOKE *

[laughing]

- WE JUST PUT THAT ON TV.

SEVEN'S THE NUMBER YOU WERE LOOKING FOR.

COMES AFTER SIX.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE HALFWAY HOME.

[cheers and applause]

- WELCOME BACK TO THE BEST SHOW ON THE LONGHORN NETWORK.

NEXT WEEK, THE GUY WHO SHOT HIMSELF GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

[gunshot, audience groans]

- I JUST [bleep] SHOT MYSELF.

SON OF A BITCH!

I JUST SHOT MYSELF.

- ALL RIGHT, SHOOTING YOURSELF IS THE BEST FORM OF GUN CONTROL.

PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG

AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM,

AND PROMISE ME YOU'LL COME SEE ME

ON TOUR OVER THE HOLIDAYS.

YES, EVEN THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS.

MY FAVORITE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW

IS OF QADDAFI GETTING CAPTURED BY THE LIBYAN REBELS.

[men shouting]

OOH, THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD AROUND THE COLLAR.

PROBABLY GONNA TO NEED TWO TIDE STICKS TO GET THAT OUT.

THAT'S MORE THAN I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GET TO SHOW.

BUT WHAT REALLY MAKES IT SPECIAL

IS THE PART WHERE ONE OF 'EM TAKES OUT A UTILITY KNIFE

AND REPEATEDLY JAMS IT UP QADDAFI'S ASS.

IF THEY CAN DO THAT TO A WORLD LEADER,

I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON MY SHOW,

IN A NEW SEGMENT CALLED QADDAFI'D.

[man grunts]

- I JUST GOT QADDAFI'D.

- AH, ONE OF THOSE FELT SO RIGHT.

A BIG THANKS TO QADDAFI FOR DYING SO WE COULD DO THAT BIT.

SEND IN YOUR OWN QADDAFI'ING VIDEOS,

AND MAYBE WE'LL PUT 'EM ON THE AIR.

ALL RIGHT. TIME TO WAVE GOODBYE.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[cheers and applause]

- OKAY, WHO HAD IT WORSE,

YOU OR THAT LADY WHO HAD HER FACE RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY?

- I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

- IT'S PRETTY INTENSE.

NOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO--

NOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO GOOGLE WHEN YOU GO HOME.

- RIGHT.