Original subtitles

>> OH MY GOD!

OH, OH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Daniel: THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD

ALWAYS HUG TREES AT THE BASE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I'M A BIG

DUKE LACROSSE FAN.

ALWAYS HAVE HAVE BEEN.

TONIGHT WE MAGICALLY PULL

ANOTHER REDEMPTION OUT OF OUR

ASS.

I GIVE YOU SOMETHING WORST THAN

PENNY'S FOR HALLOWEEN AND I SHOW

VIDEOS OF YOU ASSAULTING EACH

OTHER NOW LET'S SEE WHY YOU

SHOULDN'T CLIMB TREES AR TREES AFTER

PUBERTY.

>> AHH!

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Daniel: WHERE DO I BEGIN.

HE DIDN'T HREUS THEN SCHOOL.

HAD SEX IN THE BACK OF A SWEET

CAMERO WITH A GIRL NAMED DAWN.

NOW HE HAS A SECOND JOB CUTTING

DOWN TREES THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

>> OH MY GOD!

>> Daniel: SORRY I CAN'T CALL

911, I HAVE NO SERVICE.

CAN YOU CLIMB BACK UP THERE TO

SEE IF WE CAN GET A SIGNAL?

SOUNDS LIKE HE'S HAVING A MIND

BLOWING ORGASM.

WHAT DID YOU LAND ON?

WHAT ARE THE ODDS, HUH.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: AL QAEDA HAS BEEN

BOARD SILLY SINCE WE KILLED

OSAMA.

SEE THEY'RE NOT ALTER RIFTS.

.YEP, THEY ARE.ALL TERRORISTS

I SEE SOMEONE USED THEIR THREE

WISHES WISELY.

IT'S EASY TO LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE

IT'S YOUR LAST WHEN IT IS.

MAYBE OUR TROOPS TO SH* STAY

AWHILE.

BECAUSE THIS NEXT CLIP T-RPBZ

YOU ON DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A BAD

PERSON.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: SO, THAT'S WHAT GIRLS

DO WITH ALL THE TOILET PAPER.

TWO-PLY IS VERY FILLING.

SHE'S AN ANGEL.

I HOPE SHE SAVED SOME RULE FOR

URINAL CAKE.

OKAY, GUYS ENOUGH WITH THE ROUGH

HOUSING.

OOH, LOOKS LIKE TIGHT TANKS ARE

IN THIS SEMESTER.

>> OOH!

>> Daniel: THAT'S HOW YOU KNOCK

A MAN OUT, MAYWEATHER, WHEN

THEY'RE READY FOR IT I HOPE THEY

AGREE TO FINISH THIS IN THE

GROUP SHOWER.

>> OKAY.

>> Daniel: THAT'S THE FACE OF A

MAN WHO NOW HAS PARKINSONS.

>> Daniel: WAS THAT NECESSARY?

THE RA ON THAT FLOOR RUNS A

TIGHT SHIFT.

THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD REPORTER

IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED BY

LITERALLY EVERYTHING THAT IS

HAPPENING.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: NO WONDER NOBODY IS

WATCHING OPRAH'S NEW NETWORK.

THE REAL STORY IS THE RED HOT

CHILI PEPPERS CAN'T SELL TICKETS

ANYMORE.

>> Daniel: NOTHING IT LOUDER

THAN HER TEAL PANTSUIT.

IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD.

THE KNEV NEWS TEAM SIN SANE IN

SANTIAGO.

>> NEWS.

>> SPORTS, COMMENTARY.

>> WEATHER.

>> MURDER.

>> AIDS,.

>> PARKING.

>> WORDS,.

>> POLITICS.

>> DEBATE.

>> BANTER.

>> HARD HITTER.

>> DEVELOPMENT.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> PUNDANTS.

>> COMMERCIALS.

>> Daniel: THAT STATION LEANS A

LITTLE TOO FAR TO THE LEFT FOR

MY TASTE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: EITHER THOSE HOMELESS

WINDOW WASHERS ARE GET TOO LONG

AGGRESSIVE OR HE HAS A VERY

DISTRACTING HOOD ORNAMENT.

NOW LET'S GO TO JAPAN WHERE

EVERY DAY IS A GAME SHOW OF YOUR

LIFE.

HE'S GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A

RUN WAY?

HOW CAN PEOPLE SO GOOD AT

BUILDING CARDS BE BAD AT DRIVING

THEM.

ASIANS SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO USE

THEIR HAZARDS AT ALL TIMES.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE YOUR

WIPERS THERE IS A MANIAC WITH A

BAT ON YOUR WINDSHIELD.

RELAX.

LET'S COMELY EXCHANGE INSURANCE

INFORMATION AND WAIT FOR THE

ROBOT POLICE TO A REEVE.

THE ONE THING ABOUT THE BAT IS

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF SUSPECTS

GET AWAY IN JAPAN.

LET ME GUESS 5'6", BLACK HAIR,

BLACK BELT.

WHERE IS HE?

HE'S PROBABLY LATE WITH

SOMEONE'S DELIVERY.

OF COURSE THE PERSON WHO GOT SIT

A PREGNANT LADY.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY LOVED HER

LONG TIME.

I HOPE THE BABY IS OKAY BECAUSE

THE ONE THING JAPAN NEEDS IS

MORE PEOPLE.

I'M GLAD REAR VIEW CAMERAS ARE

REQUIRED OVER THERE DUE TO THE

AMOUNT OF CLAIMS FILED.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

MOODINI.

FIRST I PREFER BLUE CHEESE.

>> THREE, TWO, ONE, GO.

[LAUGHING]

(LOTS OF WEIRD NOISES )

*

>> THE GREAT MOODINI.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HERE WE GO.

THREE, TWO, ONE ...

>> OH!

>> OH, HE'S DOWN.

>> Daniel: I THINK HE FORGOT TO

SAY HOCUS POCUS.

HE'S LUCKY MOST PEOPLE WHO GET

DRAGGED BEHIND CARS IN THE SOUGT

DON'T LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.

THAT WAS THE GREAT MOODINI.

HIS ESCAPE SENT HIM TO THE ICU.

YOU DON'T HEAR ME CALLING MYSELF

DANIEL THE HANDSOME AND

HILARIOUS.

I PREFER MY LOOKS TO SPEAK FOR

THEMSELVES.

MAGIC IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.

I CAN'T MAKE IT HALF WAY THROUGH

THE PRESTIGE SO GOING TO A MAGIC

SHOW IS UNCOMPREHENSIBLE.

IF YOUR SEXY A SIS STAPBLT IS

TRULY SEXY SHE WOULDN'T HANG OUT

WITH A MA GISHIAN.

ARE YOU THAT IMPRESSED BY CHRIS

ANGEL LEVITATING?

I TELL YOU HOW HE DOESN'T DO IT,

MAGIC.

IF MAGIC WAS REAL DAVID BLAINE

WOULD OF USED IT TO STAY FAMOUS.

I TRICKED MOODINI LIKE

COPPERFIELD TO JOIN ME AT MY

PRIVATE RAPE ISLAND FOR WEB CAM

REDEMPTION.

>> OH THIS THING, PLEASE.

>> WHOO!

>> SO THERE IS A TRICK INVOLVED.

YOU DON'T JUST PANIC AND

STRUGGLE.

>> I WASN'T A FAN BEFORE BUT I

MIGHT BE TURNING AROUND ON THE

LEATHER PANTS THING.

>> Daniel: MICHAEL, YOUR STAYING

NAME IS THE GREAT MOODINI.

>> IT JUST STUCK WITH ME.

>> Daniel: HOW LONG HAVE YOU

DONE PROFESSIONAL MAGIC?

>> 15 YEARS.

>> Daniel: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

TRICK.

>> SHOWING BOTH HANDS EMPTY AND

SNAPPING MY FINGERS AND HAVING A

SCARF.

>> Daniel: AND HOW QUICK CAN YOU

MAKE A HAMBURGER DISAPPEAR?

>> I SCREW IT UP PRETTY QUICK.

>> Daniel: CAN YOU DO TRICKS FOR

ME NOW?

>> I DID ONE.

>> Daniel: TELL ME WHERE THAT

WAS.

>> A SPEEDWAY IN ATLANTA, GAGA.

>> Daniel: HOW MANY PEOPLE.

>> 5000.

>> Daniel: WHAT HAPPENED

STPHUFRPBLGTS I HAD A HUNDRED

FOOT CHAIN.

I TOOK OFF, I NOW I WAS IN

TROUBLE.

I GOT THE RIGHT SIDE AND MY LEFT

SIDE RIPPED OFF MY WRIST.

>> Daniel: THAT WAS NOT PART OF

THE TRICK AT ALL?

>> NO.

>> Daniel: IF YOU DIDN'T GET OUT

WOULD IT OF DRAGGED YOU AROUND

THE TRACK.

>> YA, IT WOULD OF KILLED ME.

>> Daniel: DID YOU BLACK OUT

WHEN IT HAPPENED?

>> YA.

>> Daniel: DID YOU TAKE A

HELICOPTER RIDE STPEUFRPBLGTS

NO.

THERE WAS A AMBULANCE.

>> Daniel: PROBABLY COULD OF

GOTTEN TO THE AMBULANCE FASTER

IF YOU JUMPED IN THE CAR AND

TOLD THEM TO KEEP GOING.

THE CARTWHOLE.

>> MY BEST ONE.

>> Daniel: WHOSE FAULT

STPHUFRPBLGT MY FAULT.

I SHOULD OF GOTTEN CLOSER TO THE

CAR.

I WAS HOT AND TIRED.

I WANTED TO GET MY PAY CHECK AND

GO.

>> Daniel: I HAVE BEEN.

THERE DID THE DRIVER APOLOGIZE?

>> HE WAS IN TEARS.

>> Daniel: IT WASN'T A WOMAN

DRIVER?

>> I'M ALIVE AREN'T I?

>> Daniel: TOOSHA.

>> WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE.

>> DAVID COPPERFIELD.

>> Daniel: DAVID COPPERFIELD,

DAVID BLAINE.

>> DAVID COPPERFIELD.

>> Daniel: JUST ALL OF THEM.

>> OPEN THE SALT MORE ME.

>> Daniel: OKAY.

>> MY HAND IS EMPTY.

I WILL TAKE A LITTLE SALT AND

POUR IT HERE.

>> Daniel: I WATCHED IT GO.

IN.

>> LET THE ACCESS GO OFF.

I WILL POUR IT INTO YOUR HAND.

NOW IT'S GONE.

THE SALT HAS VANISHED.

I WILL WAVE MY HAND A WHYS AND

POOR IT NO YOUR HAND.

>> Daniel: WHAT DO I DO WITH THE

SALT?

I HAVE A CHOLESTEROL PROBLEM.

>> Daniel: HAVE YOU DONE THE

TRICK SINCE THEN.

>> NOT SINCE THE ACCIDENT.

>> Daniel: YOU HAVE THOUGHT

ABOUT IT?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO GO BEFORE THE

SAME AUDIENCE.

>> Daniel: DO YOU THINK THEY

LEFT BELIEVING IT COULDN'T BE

DONE.

>> I THINK THEY HAD MIXED

EMOTIONS.

HE'S AN IDIOT OR --

>> Daniel: I WATCHED SOMEONE

DIE.

>> A LOST THEM DIDN'T KNOW I WAS

ALIVE UNTIL IT WAS ON THE NEWS.

>> Daniel: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE

AND GET READY FOR TONIGHT'S BIG

SHOEPLT.

>> LET'S DO IT.

>> Daniel: WELCOME TELLER, HE'S

HERE FOR ADVICE.

[LAUGHING]

[BEEP]

>> Daniel: THAT WAS HELPFUL.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

MAGIC OTHER THAN IT'S NOT REAL.

I DO SNOW SOMETHING ABOUT

SHOWMANSHIP.

>> Daniel: SUPPOSE TO HIT THE

[BEEP] BUTTON WHEN I --

*

>> Daniel: THIS IS YOUR NEW

LOOK.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF MY FAT ASS

WILL FIT IN THAT.

>> Daniel: YOUR FAT ASS IS GOING

TO FIT IN THAT.

WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE WAITING FOR

YOU.

>> Daniel: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

[BEEP] OF ALL AGES PREPARED TO

BE AMAZED.

I GIVE YOU THE GREAT MOODINI.

>> Daniel: LOOK GREAT, WORKING

OUT I SEE.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.

>> HELL YA.

>> Daniel: WE HAVE A FEW

MODIFICATIONS IN CASE YOU SCREW

UP AGAIN.

DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T BREAK

FRO I'M SURE THE BUMPER WILL

TEAR OFF THIS THING.

ALRIGHT.

*

*

>> THE GREAT MOODINI.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> TADA!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Daniel: WE ALL KNOW RACING IS

DANGEROUS.

REMEMBER IT'S ALMOST POINT LESS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST LET'S WATCH THESE

MEXICANS SERENADE A WHALE.

*

*

>> OPEN THE DOOR.

[LAUGHING]

(SCREAMING ).

>> Daniel: I CAN'T WAIT TO COME

OUT OF THE CLOSET TO MY SON.

[LAUGHING]

>> Daniel: PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK I

DIDN'T STOP SHOWING GROSS VIDEOS

ON THE SHOW?

WELL, SINCE HALLOWEEN IS COMING

UP I'M MAKING AN EXCEPTION AND

TREATING YOU TO THE SICKEST

VIDEOS WE CAN LOWELLLY AIR.

LET'S EASE YOU INTO SOMETHING

MODERATELY DISTURBING.

>>

>> KHAN HAS TWO HEADS.

>> Daniel: HIS TWO HEADS AREN'T

AS BIG OF PEYTON MANNING'S ONE.

NOTHING A RETAINER CAN'T FIX.

HIS FLOSSING ROUTINE IS A

NIGHTMARE.

YOU SHOULD HEAR HIS KARAOKE OF

"I GOT YOU BABE."

THAT WASN'T TOO BAD.

LET'S GET A LITTLE GROSSER.

THIS GUY WAS SO STUFFED UP HE

HAD TO HIRE A DOCTORS TO PICK

HIS NOSE.

(OOO! )

>> Daniel: THAT COULD FEED AN

ENTIRE VILLAGE OF 5-YEAR-OLDS.

>> Daniel: I HOPE THE DOCTOR HAS

A GIANT DESK HE WAS WIPE THAT

UNDER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN HIS

NOSE BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW

WHAT IS COMING OUT OF THIS GUY'S

CHEST.

>> OH [BEEP]

[BEEP]

(OOH! ).

>> Daniel: HE'S NATURE'S

GROSSEST SOFT SERVE MACHINE.

WHATEVER THAT IS I THINK IT'S

SPOILED.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GRAPE

FLAVORED.

SOMEONE GRAB AN ENGLISH MUFFIN.

IS THAT BLACK CRUDE?

DRILL BABY, DRILL.

THAT WAS DISGUSTING.

BUT IT WAS NOT DISGUSTING

ENOUGH.

THIS IS HALLOWEEN.

>> Daniel: OH, THAT'S TOE UP.

(OOH! )

>> Daniel: OKAY DOCTOR SCHOLLS

IGHT NOT BE A REAL DOCTOR.M

IT'S EASIER TO PAINT YOUR

TOENAIL AFTER YOU RIP IT OFF.

MAKE SURE YOU SAUFB THAT FOR THE

TOENAIL FAIRY?

HAS ANYONE VOMITED YET.

NO?

MAYBE THIS WILL DO IT.

(OOH!)

>> Daniel: THE EYES TO THE

WINDOW OF THE SOUL.

>> Daniel: AND SHE'S STAY THAT

WAY UNTIL THE CURSE OF DAVEY

JONES IS LIFTED.

RELAX SHE MIGHT BE A TERMINATOR.

I KNOW THAT WAS HORRIFYING BUT

IT PAILS IN COMPARISON TO WHAT

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE.

NO!

CHRISTINA AGUILERA, OH!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Daniel: GOOD LUCK STUFFING

THAT GENIE BACK INTO THE BOTTLE.

DON'T FORGET TO OUR BLOG AND UP

LOAD A CLIP FOR A VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS COMES FROM SHAWN AND PAYMAN

BENZ.

>> SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU

AND RICH.

>> GOOD.

YA, WELL ...

>> WHAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I ALWAYS GO DOWN ON HIM AND HE

NEVER RETURNS THE FAVOR.

>> DOESN'T REALLY SEEM FARE.

>> IT IS.

IF IT'S HEAD IT'S MY TURN.

IF IT'S TAILS IT'S HIS.

HE HAS BEEN ON A WINNING STREAK.

>> SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

>> HI HONEY, I'M HERE WITH

MILLIONY.

IT'S HEADS GET OVER HERE.

>> YA, I'LL PICK SOME UP ON THE

WAY HOME.

>> Daniel: WHEN I WIN A COIN

TOSS I LIKE TO DEFER TO THE

SECOND HALF.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

DISTRACTION.

* CHEERS CHEERS

WHAT IS THIS AMATEUR HOUR?

THAT'S JUST FUN TO SAY.

NEXT WEEK WE FIND OUT IF A KID

WHO STUCK HIS HEAD OUT OF A

MOVING CAR IS DEAD.

OH [BEEP]

>> Daniel: SPOILER ALERT, IS HE

DEAD.

FOLLOW ME ON TWIT TORE LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AND COME

SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE

HOLIDAYS.

THE OTHER WEEK WE SHOWED YOU A

PRANK PIE SLASH, NUT TAP, BITCH

SLAP.

IT HAS TAKEN ON A LIFE OF IT'S

OWN.

WE HAVE A WARNING.

JUST SO YOU KNOW IF YOU IGNORE

THAT WARNING WE WILL NOT PUT YOU

ON TV.

*

(YELLING )

>> NUT TAP, NUT TAP

>> OH!

>> NUT TAP, BITCH SLAP

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

>> Daniel: ALRIGHT.

I'M GUESSING THOSE WERE ALL SHOT

BEFORE OUR EPISODE AIRED.

ALRIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

REMEMBER NO HAPPY ENDINGS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

* K-RB STKAFPLT DID YOU GROW YOU

WANTING TO BE A MA GISHIAN.

>> I SAW MY FIRST MAGIC TRISH

FROM A MAGICIAN FROM FRESNO,

CALIFORNIA.