Original subtitles

[LAUGHING]

*

[ APPLAUSE ]

*

>> HOW IS ANYONE ALIEVE IN

AFRICA?

[LAUGHING]

>> WELCOME TO TOSH.O, OHIO

STATE.

YOU WANTED THE BEST YOU GOT THE

VEST.

[LAUGHING]

>> WHICH ONE OF BOYS WOULD LIKE

TO DOT MY i.

TONIGHT THE SHROOM GUY GETS A

WEB INTERVENTION.

WE LEARN TO PAY IT BACKWARDS AND

I GIVE YOU A RARE LOOK INTO MY

GEM FILE.

SOME HOW ANIMALS KNOW NOT TO

RESPECTIVELY RESPECT CYCLIST.

THE ONE TIME THERE ISN'T A DEER

CROSSING SIGN

*

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT WAS THREE OF OUR WRITERS

KIND OF SINGING THE SONG.

SO WE DON'T GET SUED.

AHHH, THE CYCLE OF LIFE.

ALRIGHT DEPENDS ON THE SPOT THAT

LOOKS LIKE GOOD GOAL LINE

DEFENSE.

THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF WE WOULD

DESTROY MORE OF THEIR NATURAL

HABITAT.

THIS NEXT GENIUS IS ONE HERS

INSPIRATION.

110% PRAEUGS.

THAT'S 111%.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND A LICK OF

GERMAN.

CAN WE SPEED THIS PRESS

CONFERENCE UP.

IT'S STARTING TO GET WARM IN

HERE.

THEY REALLY MUST BE GRILLING

HIM.

[LAUGHING]

>> DRI-FIT COULD REVOLUTIONIZE

THAT MISSION RABBLE COUNTRY.

ARE THEY HOLDING THIS PRESS

CONFERENCE ON THE SUN?

HE'S FOREIGN YOU KNOW HE STINKS

TOO. I HAVE A FEELING THIS NEXT

STUNT WILL TOTALLY BE WORTH IT.

>> NOW THAT IS A TWISTED ANKLE.

[BEEP]

>> YA, YOUR FOOT SON BACKWARDS.

IS ON

BACKWARDS.

[BEEP]

>> ALRIGHT.

AT THIS UPON THE IT MAKES MORE

SENSE TO TURN IT ALL THE WAY

AROUND.

THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WRONG WAY

TO EAT A REESE'S.

SHOCK LATE AND PEANUT BUTTER A

CLASSIC COMBINATION.

IS THAT EAGLE EYE CHERRY?

BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE --

TONIGHT.

ENOUGH FOR PLAY NOW SLATHER SOME

ON YOUR DONG.

THAT GUY MAKES A HEALTHY SNACK.

[LAUGHING]

>> THANK YOU.

>> NEVER MIND MY MOM USE TO MAKE

THE BEST ANTS ON A LOG.

SHE WOULD HOLD THE RAISINS AND

PEANUT BUTTER.

SHE WOULD PUT UP A SIDE OF RANCH

AND BUFFALO WINGS.

THAT WOMAN IS A SAINT.

>> LOOK AT THIS HORNY OLD

SHRUFRPLT.

>> SHE HAD NO DOUBTS ON WHAT SHE

WANTED FOR A 100 YEAR BIRTHDAY

PARTY.

[LAUGHING]

*

[LAUGHING]

>> GET YOUR ARTHRITIS RIDDLED

HAND OFF THE DANCERS LADY.

WHAT KIND OF AN ESTABLISHMENT DO

YOU THINK THIS IS.

IT'S NOISE THEY DIDN'T TELL THE

DANCERS SHE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR

THREE HOURS.

IF SHE'S NOT CAREFUL THE QUILT

SHE KNITTED WILL BE MOIST.

WOULD I RATHER HAVE A

100-YEAR-OLD STRIPPER NOW THAN A

STRIPPER ON MY 100th BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S HOW I PARTY.

*

>> ALRIGHT.

>> WOO! YA!

*

>> WOO!

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> THANK YOU.

*

>> OH.

>> THANKS TO DEMI MOORE FOR

STRIP TEASE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE ASHTON CHEATED

ON YOU.

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL MATURE

WOMAN.

WHAT IS NEXT?

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

>> LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A HOT BODY

CONTEST ON OUR HANDS.

SOMEONE JUST SAW REAL STEEL.

TIME TO DO SHIRTS VERSUS SKINS

IN THIS BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA WHERE

EVEN THE WHITE PEOPLE ACT BLACK.

NOT SURE WHO THEY'RE ARGUING

ABOUT.

MAYBE IT'S WHO GETS THE LAST

CIALIS.

YOU HAVE TO BE BRAVE TO RIP YOUR

SHIRT IN PHILLY.

IT'S THE CREAM CHEESE CAPITOL OF

THE WORLD.

NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING PRIDE

IN YOUR NEXT.

A BOLD DISPLAY OF CONFIDENCE.

APPARENTLY THERE IS ONLY ROM FOR

ONE MIDDLE AGED BALD MAN ON THIS

SIDEWALK.

>> HERE.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER MESS

WITH A MAN WEARING BITCHIN

DESIGNER JEANS.

THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

>> I HAVE FIFTH AND WASHINGTON

IS WHERE A BIG BUNCH OF NANCY

BOYS LIVE.

GOOD THING HE'S WEARING HIS

PAJAMA BOTTOMS THAT LIGHT JAB

PUT HIM TO SLEEP.

[BEEP]

>> SURE KICKING A GUY IN THE

RIBS WITH POINTY BOOTS IS A

DIRTY MOVE WHEN YOUR CITY SAVIOR

IS MICHAEL VICK YOU STOP

WORRYING WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF

YOU.

THAT'S ENOUGH EXCITEMENT FOR YOU

OLD TIMERS.

IT'S ALMOST 4:00 P.M. AND YOU

HAVE TO EAT YOUR SUPPER.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

WEB INTERVENTION.

FIRST I THINK SHE MIGHT BE

DROOLING ON YOUR PILLOW.

>> WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY --

[LAUGHING]

>> OH, YA SHE DID.

>> OH!

[LAUGHING]

>> 102.

>> HI.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> -- THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

>> IT'S OKAY.

I UNDERSTAND.

>> IS I'M GOING TO DIE.

[LAUGHING]

>> -- IT'S OKAY.

I CAN FEEL IT AND HEAR THIS ONE.

[LAUGHING]

>> THIS IS GOING TO DIE THOUGH.

THIS IS GOING TO DIE THOUGH.

>> REMEMBER YOUR MOM IS WORRIED

ABOUT YOU.

RELAX.

>> MOM!

>> YOUR MOM IS A NARC.

>> THAT EXPERIMENTAL DRUG USER

LITTLE AT HOME IS TIM.

HE WAS TRIPPING ON SHROOMS.

I DON'T USE DRUGS.

WHEN YOUR REALITY IS FABULOUS

YOU DON'T NODE TO.

HEROIN HAS ZERO CALORIES AND

GIVES YOU A LEAN LOOK.

ANYTHING BEATS LIVING IN A

CHURCH BASEMENT AND WORKING 12

STEPS.

ESPECIALLY NUMBER 9.

SOME ADDICTS BECOME BORN AGAIN

CHRISTIANS DURING RECOVERY .

JESUS MAY FORGIVE YOU BUT YOU

OWE ME $1200.

YOU TOOK 16 OXYCODONE INSTEAD OF

ONE.

THE TRAGEDY IS THAT HEATH

COULDN'T COUNT.

I WATCHED EVERY SEASON OF

CELEBRITY REHAB AND IT NEVER

WORKS.

ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE YOU

CAN'T STOP HAVING CANCER.

YOU CAN STOP SNORTING COKE.

STEVE JOBS HAD A DISEASE.

STEVE-O HAD BAD PARENTS.

TIM MADE TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES.

I DID WHAT ANYONE WOULD DO I

EXPOSED HIM IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

INTERVENTION.

>> HI.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> AHHH!

>> I LOVE YOU THIS IS GOING TO

DIE THOUGH.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM, TIM?

>> APPLETON, WISCONSIN.

>> WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DO

IN APPLETON BESIDES DRUGS.

>> MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS GO

FOR LONG WALKS AND LOOK FOR

CELLPHONE TOWERS.

SO I CAN AVOID BEING CLOSE TO

THEM.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

>> I AM CURRENTLY UNDER EMPLOYED

AT PIZZA HUT.

>> I LIKE UNDER EMPLOYED.

>> TELL ME ABOUT THE VIDEO.

WHEN WAS THAT, WHAT HAPPENED.

>> THAT WAS TWO SUMMERS AGO.

I ATE A MUSHROOM.

MY MOM CAME HOME.

I WAS SAYING THINGS THAT DIDN'T

MAKE SENSE.

I SAID MUSHROOMS.

ANOTHER THING I SAID WAS I'M

GOING TO DIE.

SHE CALLED 911.

THEY ALSO HAD A POLICE OFFICER

WITH THEM.

THAT SCARED ME SO I WAS LIKE

OKAY, I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN ON

THE GROUND NOW.

>> YOU WERE NAKED.

>> OH, YA.

>> DID YOU GET RUG BURN ON YOUR

WEINER?

>> I DON'T RECALL THAT BUT ONCE

THE COP STRAPPED ME TO TABLES

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT TO

SOMEONE EATING A HALLUCINOGENIC.

>> DID YOU THINK YOU COULD BREAK

OUT OF THE RESTRAINTS BY MAKING

EXPLOSION NOISES?

>> I THOUGHT THAT WAS PART OF

THE WHOLE I WAS GOING TO DIE

THING.

THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO

SQUEEZE THE AIR OUT OF MY LUNGS.

>> DID YOU END UP DYING.

>> I THINK I CAME INFINITILY

CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MOMENT

OF DIEING AND WAS REBORN.

>> YOU MIGHT BE JESUS.

>> WELL LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD.

>> WHY WOULDN'T THEY LET YOU

GRAB YOUR BALLS?

>> THAT BOTHERS ME.

>> WHEN A MAN HAS TO TOUCH HIS

BALLS YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.

>> GRAB A SHOVE HE WILL.

>> WHY DID YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER

FOR A SHOVE HE WILL?

>> SO SHE COULD HELP GET THESE

PEOPLE AWAY AND FRO ME FROM THE

TABLE.

>> SHOVE HE WILL IS THE GO TO.

>> I GUESS.

>> YOU FORGAVE YOURSELF FOR

EATING ALL THE MEAT.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE A PRETTY PURE

PERSON THAT, THAT THOUGHT CAME

TO YOUR MIND.

>> NAH.

>> IT WOULD BE WORST IF YOU

TALKED ABOUT THE KID YOU KILLED

AND BURIED IN THE BACK YARD.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED

IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER?

>> YES.

I WAS BEFORE THIS.

>> DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW HOW TO

REACT WHEN YOU'RE ON SHROOMS.

>> I HAVEN'T DONE THEM SINCE.

>> NOT ONE TIME SINCE THEN.

>> NO.

I'M NOT BIG INTO DRUGS AT ALL.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE ON

YOUR RECORD?

>> MARIJUANA POSSESSION.

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL THE

WORLDMENT.

>> DOES THAT MAKE YOU MORE

POPULAR IN THE HOMETOWN?

>> ONLY WHEN I TOLD TWO OR THREE

PEOPLE I WAS COMING HERE TO DO.

THIS.

>> THIS WILL OPEN MORE DOORS FOR

YOU.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> PIZZA HUT WILL HAVE A LONG

LINE.

>> LET'S GET OUT OF HERE I HAVE

TICKETS FOR THE PLANETARIUM.

>> ALRIGHT.

COOL.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

>> SURPRISE.

>> THIS ISN'T A LASER LIGHT

SHOW.

IT'S A INTERVENTION.

THESE PEOPLE LOVE YOU LIKE

CRAZY.

I WANT YOU TO HEAR THEM OUT.

>> HI, MOM, DAD.

WHAT ARE THE REST OF THE PEOPLE

DOING HERE.

>> GUESS THEY'RE HERE EAR LEE

FOR THE NEXT INTERVENTION.

KWREURPBLGTS A CLOWN.

>> BECAUSE HE'S A TKEBGTED TO

SMILES AND I INVITED HIM THESE

THINGS ARE SO DEPRESSING.

>> WE'RE HERE TODAY BECAUSE WE

WANTED A FREE TRIP TO L.A.

>> WE DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A

PROBLEM.

>> I JOTTED DOWN A FEW THINGS

TOO.

>> YOUR LIFE IS -- WHEN YOU DO

DRUGS YOU TURN MY HEART INTO A

BIG BLACK JELLY BEAN.

[LAUGHING]

>> I KNEW IT WAS A GOOD IDEA

INVITING THIS GUY.

>> TIMOTHY, BECAUSE OF YOUR DRUG

USE I GOT TO SEE YOU NAKED.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.

AFTER HEARING YOUR PARENTS

LETTER I'M NOT SURE YOU HAVE HIT

ROCK BOTTOM YET.

I'M RESCINDING THE GIFT OF REHAB

UNTIL YOU.

DO HERE WE GO.

>> OKAY WHAT DID YOU GET.

>> BATH SALTS, AIR SALT AND

JINKIN.

>> WHAT'S JINKIN?FOR

>> FOR MEN WHO PEE IN POOP.

>> I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING.

[BEEP]

>> ONE LAST TIME --

I CAN HEAR THIS ONE.

>> MOM GET THE SHOVEL!

>> GRAB MY BALLS.

>> AM I GOING TO DIE.

>> THIS IS GOING TO DIE.

THIS IS GOING TO DO I.

DIE, THIS IS GOING TO DIE.

DIE THOUGH.

>> I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS

HAPPENED AGAIN.

>> DID WE KILL A CLOWN LAST

NIGHT.

>> ROCK BOTTOM.

I THINK YOU'RE READY FOR REHAB.

READY TO TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK?

(KNOCKING ON THE DOR ).

>> WELCOME TO REHAB.

>> AMY WINEHOUSE.

BUT YOU'RE --

>> WE MUST OF OVERDOSED

[BEEP]

>> ARE YOU DRINKING?

>> YA.

THIS IS HEAVEN.

YOU CAN DRINK IN REHAB HERE.

COME ON IN.

>> WHY ARE THE JONAS BROTHERS

HERE.

THEY'RE NOT DEAD.

>> BECAUSE THIS WON'T AIR FOR

FOUR WEEKS.

HOW AMAZING IT WOULD IT BE IF

THEY ALL ACTUALLY DIED.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> TOPICAL.

WE SHOT THAT AMY WINEHOUSE'S

DEATH WAS STILL IN THE NEWS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

LET'S CLEAN THE SHOW UP.

[LAUGHING]

*

>> IT'S IN THIS DRIVE-THRU IN

STARBUCKS WHERE MORE AND MORE

PEOPLE ARE PICKING UP A STORY

LIKE THE ONE THAT LINDA GREEN

NOW TELLS.

>> WE PULLED UP TO THE ONE

DOUGH.

THE GIRL IN THE WINDOW SAYS

THERE IS NO CHARGE TODAY.

>> THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF HIM

PAID HIS BILL.

>> IT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY FOR A

MINUTE.

IT WAS A WONDERFUL SURPRISE.

OUT OF THE BLUE.

>> GREEN THEN DECIDED TO PAY FOR

THE GUY BEHIND HIM.

>> IF I SAW THAT GUY BEHIND ME I

WOULD WAIT.

NEVER THE LESS NICE GESTURES

ARE CONTAGIOUS AND CAN MAKE THE

WORLD A IS PLEASANT PLEASE.

SADLY I FOUND OUT BEING UNKIND

HAS A SIMILAR EFFECT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

>> A RACIST CHRISTMAS TREE

[LAUGHING]

>> YOU WENT TO WORK IN THIS?

>> YOU LOOK CUTE.

>> I LOOK LIKE A STUPID LITTLE

BOY.

>> SORRY.

>> I LOVE YOU, MITCHELL.

>> I CAN'T DO THIS.

THIS IS FUN BUT I WAS JUST DOING

IT TO GET BACK AT MY HUSBAND.

HE'S FROM ALABAMA AND IT WOULD

REALLY UPSET HIM.

BESIDES WE HAVE A CHILD

TOGETHER.

>> BESIDES WE HAVE A CHILD

TOGETHER.

WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.

>> I LOVE YOU, MICHELLE.

>> CAN I HELP YOU?

>> I WOULD LIKE SOME CHOCOLATE

CHIP COOKIES.

>> SORRY WE'RE ALL OUT.

OUR BAKER HAD TO LEAVE EARLY HIS

DAUGHTER GOT BLOWN UP AT DAY

CARE.

>> I AM HAVING THE WORST DAY

EVER.

ALL I WANTED WAS TWO COOKIES.

>> A MUFFIN.

>> I DON'T WANT A MUFFIN.

>> WHAT DID WE LEARN FROM THIS?

IF THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THIS

SHOW HAD FASHION SENSE THE

BABIES WOULD BE ALIEVE AND I

WOULD HAVE SOME GODDAMN COOKIES.

DON'T FORGET TO UPDATE ON OUR

BLOG TO BE A CHANCE AT OUR

VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS COMES FROM --

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

>> THAT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN.

WHAT HE SAID IS I POOPED ON MY

PENIS BUT WITH MUCH DIRTIER

WORDS.

LET'S SEE IT ONE MORE TIME SO

YOU CAN APPRECIATE ALL THE

SUBTLETIES.

>> NOTHING [BEEP]

>> I [BEEP] MY OWN [BEEP]

>> YOU [BEEP] ON YOUR OWN [BEEP]

>> I [BEEP] ON MY [BEEP]

>> THE ONLY PROBLEM I HAVE WITH

THAT VIDEO IS THE NAME OF THEIR

DUMB SKETCH CREW.

CAN YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH YOUR

STUPID COMEDY NAMES.

>> WELCOME BACK BUCKAS.

IF EVERYONE IN HERE CAN KEEP

THEIR TRAP SHUT YOU WILL RECEIVE

FRO TATTOOS.

NEXT WEEK THIS MAGICIAN GETS A

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> TADA, HIS ARM DISAPPEARED.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE

CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AND COME

SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE

HOLIDAYS.

SOMETIMES IN THE OFFICE WE SAY

RANDOM THINGS I THINK ARE SO

HYSTERICAL AND NEVER MAKE IT

INTO THE SHOW.

WE SAVE THEM FOR THE GEM FILE.

THE REALITY IS WE HAVEN'T USED A

SINGLE ONE.

LET'S READ THEM ALL NOW.

BLACK GUYS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES

AREN'T REALLY BLACK GUYS.

TRUE.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S TRUE.

THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT IT IT'S

LIKE ROB SCHNEIDER INTRODUCING

HIM AS A COMEDIAN.

NO YOU'RE ADAM SANDLER'S FRIEND.

>> WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL --

CAME UP WITH A CERTAIN LENGTH OF

NAILS WHICH MEANS THEY HAD OVER

SHOT IT AT ONE POINT.

[LAUGHING]

>> THE TV SHOW SLEDGE HAMMER

EXAMPLE NOT SINCE I WATCHED THE

SHOW SLEDGE HAMMER HAVE I SEEN A

NEGOTIATION GO SO BADLY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING A SLEDGE

HAMMER FAN AND THAT CAME ON.

MOM, COME IN THE SLEDGE HAMMER

JOKE IT WAS ON FOR ONE AND A

HALF SEASON IN LIKE 88.

A WOMAN'S VAGINA A VENT.

WE ALWAYS GOT TO KEEP S&P ON

THEIR TOES.

WE HAVE TO COME UP WITH THINGS

TO CALL THE VAGINA.

SO THAT WE DON'T GET BLEEPED.

JOEY ADAMS HAS DONE MORE FOR

FLAT CHESTED WOMAN IN AMERICA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE REST OF

THE JOKE WOULD BE BUT THE FIRST

PART IS SO SOLID.

LIKE FOR AWHILE I WAS LIKE NO I

WOULD TOTALLY DATE A FLAT

CHESTED GIRL.

THEN THE MOVIES RAN THEIR COURSE

AND EVERYBODY -- KNOCK IT OFF.

GIVE ME SOME TITTIES.

THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO GET

MEXICAN FAST FOOD FOR HERE ARE

THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T

MIND GETTING CAUGHT UP IN A HATE

FIGHT.

I HAVE A FEELING THE VIDEO

THAT'S MEANT FOR IS EXTREMELY

RACIST.

LIKE YOUR GRADUATE IN NUTRITION

THEY'RE BOTH MEANING LESS PIECES

OF [BEEP].

THAT WAS ABOUT SOMEONE VERY

CLOSE TO ME.

TOSHING IT OUT THERE.

[LAUGHING]

>> WHY ARE YOU NOT USING THAT IN

YOUR LIFE.

JUST TOSHING IT OUT.

THERE THAT WAS THREE YEARS WORTH

OF SOLID MATERIAL.

ENJOY YOUR CORN DOGS, GOOD

NIGHT.

>> ARE YOU A MAMA'S BOY.

>> I LOVE HER.

I TRY TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE SO I CAN

FOCUS AND BE A MAN.