Original subtitles

[LAUGHTER]

HEY!

WHOA!

[APPLAUSE]

AT LEAST THE FAN WILL HELP

DRY THE BLOOD.

TONIGHT BRAD THE ACTOR GETS A

WEB REDEMPTION, AND I TRACK DOWN

A MISSED CONNECTION.

NOW LET'S GO BACK AND SEE WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOUR ONLY CONCERN

IS HOW YOUR OUTFIT LOOKS.

RIGHT IN HER MOUTH.

THAT CEILING FAN GOT TO DO WHAT

EVERYONE WANTED TO.

I HOPE THIS NEXT DOOR DOESN'T

CUT IT OFF.

>> I DIDN'T CUT IT OFF GUYS.

COME ON.

MY PENIS DOESN'T HAVE A BONE IN

IT EITHER.

>> IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST

AMAZING PENIS IN THE ALAMO

WORLD.

>> I DON'T SEE SHE'S SEEN ENOUGH

PENIS TO BE AN AUTHORITY ON

THAT.

>> THAT IS THE MOST DELICIOUS

PART OF THE WHALE.

ASK ANY ESKIMO.

AND ATTACHED TO THE KING IDIOT'S

UNDERWEAR WHO'S GOING TO JUMP

OFF THE GOALPOST, AND LAND NUTS

FIRST.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

AND THE SEARCH FOR CLEAN

RENEWABLE ENERGY CONTINUES.

>> STILL LESS PAINFUL THAN

WATCHING THE COWBOYS.

NICE 9/11 TRIBUTE YOU GUYS.

NEVER FORGET.

SHOCKING THAT THE GUY WITH THE

PRINCE TATTOO ON HIS ARM IS

CRYING LIKE A PUSSY.

THE ONLY THING DUMBER THAN

GETTING A TATTOO IS GETTING IT

REMOVED.

OKAY.

I LIKE TO TIDY UP BEFORE MY

IN-HOME MEDICAL PROCEDURES.

IS THAT KNIFE EVEN CLEAN?

LOOKS LIKE TOAST?

I'M NOT GONNA EAT IT UNTIL YOU

SCRAPE OFF THE BURNT PART.

I'M NOT SURE THAT WAS

CONSENSUAL.

IS THAT FREAK WEARING A

POLKA-DOTTED THONG?

WHAT'S A LADY GOTTA DO TO HAIL A

CAB?

PREPARATION H HAS A BOLD NEW

VIRAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN.

MAYBE SHE NEEDS TOILET PAPER.

ENJOY THE FREE SAMPLES, GUYS.

TOMORROW THOSE ARE GONNA COST

YOU THREE BUCKS A POP.

YEA, SORRY I'M LATE, HONEY, I

HIT EVERY BROWN LIGHT ON THE WAY

HOME.

THAT GIRL LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.

WHERE DO I KNOW HER FROM?

IT'S LIKE MERP'S FUNNIEST

VIDEOS.

>> RACHEL WHAT DO YOU THINK.

THAT FELT LIKE A YES.

WANNA KNOW HOW AWKWARD IT WAS TO

SHOOT THAT?

NOT AS AWKWARD AS IT WAS TO CAST

FOR IT.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> SPEAKING SPANISH.

FINALLY SOMETHING EXCITING ON

C-SPAN 2!

ALL IN FAVOR OF THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN?

AUDIENCE: AYE...

DANIEL: THE "AYES" HAVE IT.

THAT'S THE ROMANIAN PRIME

MINISTER ADDRESSING PARLIAMENT,

AND IF I KNEW ONE THING ABOUT

ROMANIA, I WOULD TOTALLY MAKE A

JOKE RIGHT NOW.

I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN OTHER

COUNTRIES HAVE TOILETS LET ALONE

GOVERNMENTS.

OH... HE MUST BE DECIDING WHICH

DATE ON THE CALENDAR SHOULD BE

GHEORGE MURESAN DAY.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

ALL RIGHT, THAT GUY IS NOT

SUPPOSED TO BE UP THERE.

"SIR, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO

SAY, PLEASE FOLLOW PROPER

PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE."

WE GOT A JUMPER!

TEXTBOOK SWAN DIVE.

DOES EVERYONE IN ROMANIA GET

OLYMPIC TRAINING?

PRETTY SURE THIS MEANS THE

MEETING IS ADJOURNED.

USUALLY WE JUST BANG THE GAVEL.

TRUST FALL!

THE GENTLEMAN FROM TRANSYLVANIA

NOW HAS THE FLOOR.

FIFTEEN FEET ISN'T A SUICIDE

ATTEMPT -- IT'S A CRY FOR HELP,

AND MAYBE A RUPTURED SPLEEN.

TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T PASS THAT

HEALTH CARE BILL BEFORE HE DID

IT.

YES.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BIPARTISAN

EFFORT TO HELP THE GUY?

INSTEAD, THOSE GYPSIES SHOW

THEIR TRUE COLORS AND DIG

THROUGH HIS POCKETS.

HE'S ONLY CRYING BECAUSE HE

NEEDED THAT VOTE.

I'M JUST GLAD I FOUND THE ONE

POLITICAL VIDEO "THE DAILY SHOW"

DOESN'T HAVE THE JOURNALISTIC

INTEGRITY TO AIR, AND FOR THAT,

WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRAD

THE ACTOR'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT

FIRST...

...BEFORE THE AMERICAN

COMMERCIALS, LET'S WATCH A

JAPANESE COMMERCIAL.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIRE THEIR

PUBLICIST.

* *

*

I'M BRAD I'M A NONUNION ACTOR.

>> HE HAS THE PERFECT

COMBINATION OF HUMOR, AND

WITTINESS, AND HE'LL HAVE ME

LAUGHING WITH HIM FOR THE FIRST

FIVE MINUTES.

THIS SHOE IS TOSSED.

>> THAT MEANS SHAVE ME.

I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

NIKE A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE.

I KEEP WAKING UP IN THE NIGHT

ALL DRENCHED IN SWEAT.

YESTERDAY I PUT MY FIST THROUGH

THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED INTO

PIECES.

MY MOM IS DEAF.

SHE'S DEAD.

NAILED IT!

HE BUYS HIS SHIRTS IN THE BABY

SHOULDERS SECTION.

THAT ENERGETIC UP-AND-COMER IS

BRAD AND HE'S A TRIPLE THREAT --

HE ACTS, HE MODELS, HE'S

DELUSIONAL.

HE AIMED FOR THE STARS AND

LANDED ON MY SHOW INSTEAD.

IT'S HARD TO TAKE ACTORS

SERIOUSLY WHEN YOUR RESUME IS A

PICTURE.

IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE IT IN THE

FIRST SIX MONTHS, PLEASE QUIT

AND GET A REAL JOB SO WE CAN

PULL THIS ECONOMY OUT OF THE

CRAPPER.

FAME ISN'T AS EASY AS I MAKE IT

LOOK.

SOME HAVE TO DANCE LIKE A SLUT

ON THE TOP OF A FIAT... TO STAY

RELEVANT.

YEA, I'D LOVE TO SELL OUT BUT

THEY DON'T LET YOU DO PROACTIV

COMMERCIALS...

...WHEN YOU HAVE PERFECT SKIN.

CELEBRITIES, PLEASE STOP TRYING

TO EXPAND YOUR BRAND.

WE ALL LOVE... JUSTIN BIEBER'S

MUSIC, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE

WANT TO SMELL LIKE STUPID

HAIRCUTS AND USHER'S BALLS.

I'M GLAD... SEAN PENN IS HANGING

OUT IN COUNTRIES THAT AREN'T UP

TO CODE, I JUST DON'T WANT TO

HEAR ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY

DOWNTRODDEN?

EVERYONE WHO PAID TO SEE THE

TREE OF LIFE.

YOU WON'T SEE ME TRYING TO

BRANCH OUT, I KNOW MY PLACE, AND

IT'S RIGHT HERE HOSTING THIS

SHOW... AND EXECUTIVE

PRODUCING MY

NEW ANIMATED SERIES COMING SOON.

BRAD MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES, BUT I

RECOGNIZE RAW TALENT WHEN I SEE

IT.

THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM BACK TO

TINSELTOWN FOR ANOTHER SHOT AT

STARDOM IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

HI DANIEL.

WHAT'S UP.

>> BEING HONORED THE BIGGEST

HONOR A CELEBRITY COULD RECEIVE.

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

>> GET OUT OF HERE.

>> SORRY.

>> GET OUT OF HERE.

FOR GET THAT GUY.

HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE THE IMPACT

I'VE HAD ON THE COMEDY

COMMUNITY.

>> AND I'M INTERESTED.

>> WELL YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

TAKE OFF YOUR PABTS.

>> LET'S GO.

WELCOME TO THE CHURCH.

CAN I GET OVERLORD XENU.

>> YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE

STARS THAT COME OUT OF THIS

CHURCH.

>> BUT FIRST IF I CAN GET YOU TO

PUT YOUR LEFT HAND ON OUR BIBLE.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> HOLD ON TO THOSE.

>> THAT'S JUST A LITTLE JOKE WE

HERE AT THE CULT DO.

>> TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT

VIDEO.

>> IT WAS LIKE AN ACTING REEL

OBVIOUSLY.

>> I WAS REALLY TRYING TO LAND

LIKE A JOB BUT I KIND TOOK ON A

LIFE OF ITS OWN.

>> WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS THINK

OF VIDEO.

ONCE I GOT TO 100,000 VIEWS.

>> WERE YOU STARTING TO GET

NERVOUS.

>> YEAH.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GET

THE VIDEO TAKEN DOWN.

>> AFTER A WHILE YOU SORT OF

ROLL WITH IT.

I DID A NCAA TO BLEND IN.

>> YOU LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT

SOMEONE.

YOU GREW INTO YOUR NECK.

DO YOU HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

I WOULD SAY IT'S MORE OF A

SPEECH ACCENT THAN A SPEECH

IMPEDIMENT.

>> AND HOW DO YOU SAY DEAD.

>> MY MOM IS DEAD.

>> DEAD.

>> DEAD.

DEAD.

>> DEAD.

>> SWEAT.

SWAT.

>> SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND

IN A BRITISH ACCENT.

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.

NOW AS A BLACK GUY.

>> SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE

FREBED.

>> OKAY.

HOW ABOUT A NEW ENGLANDER.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW A NEW

ENGLANDER.

>> I ASSUME IT HAS THE N WORD IN

IT.

MY FAVORITE ACTOR IS VINCE

VAUGHN.

HE'S SO GOOD.

>> DID YOU SEE COUPLES.

>> YOU ARE EMBARRASSED FOR HIM.

>> HE'S NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR

THAT.

>> DID NIKE SEND YOU A BUNCH OF

FREE STUFF FOR ALL OF THAT

>>> I WISH.

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT TO

DINNER WITH ME.

>> SURE.

LOOKED LIKES YOU PASSED YOUR

STRESS TEST WITH FLYING COLORS.

YOU NEED TO JOIN THIS CHURCH.

AND TO JOIN THIS CHURCH WE NEED

YOUR MONEY.

GIVE ME $10,000.

>> THE YOU HAD IT ALREADY FILLED

OUT.

THIS WILL GO A LONG WAY TO

MAKING YOUR REEL.

>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW IF

YOU'RE READY TO TAKE ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> MY MOM IS DEAD.

>> EVERYBODY KNOWS THESE SHOE

ARE FREAKING AWESOME.

WHAT ABOUT HOW THEY'RE MADE BY

POVERTY-STRICKEN CHILD SLAVES.

THAT'S WHAT GIVES THEM THE BIT

OF AN ATTITUDE.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> LET'S GET SOME WIND.

>> DOESN'T THAT FEEL SAFE?

I KEEP WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE NIGHT ALL DRENCHED IN

SWAT.

YESTERDAY I PUT MY FIST THROUGH

THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED IT INTO

PIECES.

MY MOM IS DODD.

MY MOM IS DAD.

>> YES BRAD WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

I USED TO BE YOUR MOM.

NOW I'M YOUR DAD.

YOUR MOM IS DAD.

I GOT AN OPERATION, AND

EVERYTHING.

>> MY MOM IS DAD.

>> I AM NOT GOING TO SAY WHAT

FAMOUS TRANSGENDER TURNED US

DOWN FOR THAT BIT, BUT I WILL

SAY HE IS CURRENTLY DANCING WITH

THE STARS... AND NO, IT'S NOT

DAVID ARQUETTE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK, BUT FIRST...

...IT'S OUR SECURITY GUARD

EVERETT'S BLACK CLIP OF THE

WEEK.

>> CUTE BOY IN THE ELEVATOR.

WE EXCHANGED SMILES.

SO HANDSOME.

REPLY WHAT I WAS WEARING.

I HAD A HEARING TEST DONE BY

YOU.

YOU WERE WEARING A WHITE

UNDERSHIRT, AND WHITE BLOUSE.

I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT YOUR

BIG AND BEAUTIFUL BOOBS.

WE WERE BOTH DOING LAUNDRY

MONDAY NIGHT, AND FREE CALLING.

I HAD ON GYM SHORTS FREE

BALLING.

I SHOULD HAVE HIT YOU UP.

LET'S GET NAKED DUDE.

THOSE ARE MISSED CONNECTIONS.

THAT'S WHEN YOU POST ABOUT A

MOMENT YOU HAD WITH A STRANGER,

AND HOPE THAT THEY'RE CREEPY

ENOUGH TO BE CHECKING FOR YOU

TOO.

I RECENTLY HAD MY OWN MISSED

CONNECTION ON A ROAD TRIP.

I STOPPED AT A BBQ JOINT IN

BLYTHE, CALIFORNIA, FOUR HOURS

OUTSIDE OF L.A.

THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

WORKING THERE.

NOTHING HAPPENED AND I'VE

REGRETTED IT EVER SINCE.

I DECIDED TO USE THE POWER OF MY

TELEVISION SHOW TO SEE IF THERE

WAS REALLY ANYTHING BETWEEN US.

SO PLEASE WELCOME, FOR A VERY

AWKWARD LIVE SKYPE, THE HOT

CASHIER FROM REBEL BBQ, ASHLEY.

HI ASHLEY, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU

AGAIN.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?

I AM ROCK HARD.

FIRST THINGS FIRST, LET'S GET

THIS OUT OF THE

WAY... HOW OLD ARE

YOU?

I'M 18 YEARS OLD.

MY LUCKY NUMBER.

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT

THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHEN I CAME

INTO YOUR RESTAURANT A FEW WEEKS

AGO?

YES, I DO.

YOU HAD A HAT ON.

SO, THAT WAS A MAGICAL NIGHT FOR

BOTH OF US.

DID YOU THINK WE HAD GOOD

CHEMISTRY?

UH, THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE IN

HERE THAT NIGHT.

SO... COULD BE.

JUST TELL US EVERYTHING YOU

REMEMBER FROM THAT NIGHT.

I SAW A CADILLAC PULL UP OUTSIDE

THE DOOR, AND I KNEW THAT WASN'T

FROM BLYTHE BECAUSE BLYTHE

DOESN'T HAVE CADILLACS, IN THIS

TOWN.

AND THEN WHAT REALLY GOT ME TO

THINKING WAS I SAW A LITTLE GUY,

A LITTLE MAN, AND, YOU DON'T SEE

THOSE IN BLYTHE EITHER.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME CUT YOU OFF BEFORE YOU

SAY SOMETHING RACIST AND TELL ME

WHAT ELSE BLYTHE DOESN'T WANT IN

THEIR TOWN.

WHAT WOULD YOU GUESS IS MY

FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?

PROBABLY THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO

YOU WERE.

NO, IT'S YOUR BOOBS.

OH.

AM I THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY

YOU'VE EVER MET?

NO, I'VE ACTUALLY MET WAYNE

BRADY.

SO... ALL RIGHT.

I'M STILL THE BIGGEST WHITE

CELEBRITY.

HOW OFTEN DO CUSTOMERS HIT ON

YOU?

UH,

YOU?

UH, NOT VERY OFTEN.

LIAR!

SOUNDS LIKE YOUR BOSS DISAGREES.

DOES THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF

BLYTHE WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU?

UM, I DON'T KNOW OF ANYBODY THAT

WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME, BUT UH

THE POPULATION HAS GOT TO BE

PROBABLY ABOUT, I WOULD SAY 20,

20,000 INCLUDING THE PRISON.

NOT COUNTING PRISONERS, DO YOU

HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

YES, I DO.

BUT DOES HE OWN PROPERTY IN

MALIBU?

NO.

POINT TOSH.

WHAT IS THE PERCENTAGE OF THE

TWO OF US ACTUALLY GETTING

MARRIED?

WELL, I WOULD SAY ABOUT A ZERO

PERCENT CHANCE.

ALL RIGHT, LOUD AND CLEAR.

WE'LL KEEP THIS THING

COMPLETELY PHYSICAL.

I'M SURE I'M HOLDING UP THE

LINE, SO I'M GONNA PLACE AN

ORDER FOR DELIVERY TO LOS

ANGELES.

WE DON'T DELIVER THAT FAR.

I THINK YOU'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION

FOR ME BECAUSE I'M FAMOUS AND...

...I SENT YOU A LIMOUSINE.

SEE YOU IN FOUR HOURS.

OKAY.

THANKS, ASHLEY.

I LOVE YOU.

AH, SHE PROBABLY GOT CUT OFF

BEFORE SHE COULD SAY "I LOVE

YOU" BACK.

A MEMBER OF OUR STAFF, LET'S

CALL HIM ANDREW WANTUCK, HAD A

MISSED CONNECTION OF HIS OWN.

HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY TO A

COMPLETE STRANGER.

IF YOU ARE A MUCH, MUCH, MUCH

OLDER WOMAN NAMED KAREN, THAT

HAD SEX WITH A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY

ON THE BOW OF A CRUISE SHIP IN

1994, PLEASE CONTACT OUR SHOW OR

TURN YOURSELF IN TO LOCAL

AUTHORITIES.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM RYAN SICKLER, AND GUESS

WHAT, HE PARTNERED UP WITH JAY

LARSON.

[DOORBELL]

>> WHAT'S UP MAN?

>> I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW MAYBE MY COUSIN DID.

HEY JAY.

JAY, YEAH.

>> DID YOU ORDER CHINESE.

>> NO.

HERE'S 25.

KEEP IT.

>> IT SMELLS GOOD.

AWESOME.

THANKS MAN.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

WHY WAS THAT DOORBELL SLANTED?

YEAH.

THAT'S RACIST.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

YOUR TIMES MAY VARY.

WELCOME BACK TO TOSH.0.

THIS IS THE FIRST EPISODE THAT

I'VE EVER GONE COMPLETELY

CAFFEINE FREE.

OH, MAN!

THESE MORMONS ARE CUCKOO!

NEXT WEEK, THE SHROOM GUY GETS A

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> HI.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU'VE GOT TO CALM DOWN.

>> OH NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE THOUGH.

THIS IS GOING TO DIE THOUGH.

>> REMEMBER YOUR MOM IS ALL

WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

WE CAN HELP YOU.

MOM!

HIS SCREAM IS WAY LESS ANNOYING

THAN SETH ROGEN'S LAUGH.

HEY.

SO WE'RE CLEAR HERE, IT IS AN

HONOR WHEN I MAKE FUN OF YOU ON

THIS SHOW.

IF HAVEN'T HEARD YOUR NAME, KNOW

THAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT

DECIDED YOU WEREN'T RELEVANT...

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT,

ORLANDO BLOOM,

PARIS HILTON,

CRAIG FERGUSON,

BEN STILLER,

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR OR FREDDIE

PRINZE JR.,

DEREK JETER,

KERRI RUSSELL,

LEANN RIMES,

GERARD BUTLER,

JENNIFER GARNER,

TOPHER GRACE,

STING,

DENISE RICHARDS,

OR ANYONE WHO'S ON THE BIG BANG

THEORY.

NOW, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE

CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND COME SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE

HOLIDAYS.

SORRY, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE

A LITTLE EARLY.

I'M TOLD MY SANDWICH HAS

ARRIVED.

LATER, DAY SAINTS.

HERE'S YOUR FOOD.

WHY ARE YOU EATING.

>> THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

I ORDERED THIS FROM HER AT A

BARBEQUE PLACE 4 MONTHS AGO.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS YOU GUYS WOULD

SHOW UP 10 MINUTES APART.

YOU GUYS WANT TO SWAP SAUCE?

>> IF YOU EVER HAVE A NAKED

PICTURE OF YOU ONLINE.

I FOUND A LOOPHOLE.

YES THAT IS ME, AND I WAS

UNDERAGE WHEN THIS WAS TAKEN,

AND THEN THEY CAN NEVER SHOW IT