Original subtitles

Announcer: TOSH.O FEATURES

VIDEOS FROM THE INTERNET AND IS

FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

[LAUGHING]

>> OKAY.

>> MMMMM.

[LAUGHING]

*

>> MMM. PUT A LITTLE MORE

MUSTARD ON THAT SLAP YOU CAN'T

BE TRIED AS AN ADULT.

THIS WEEK'S COLLEGIATE APPAREL

IS FROM BREVARD COMMUNITY

COLLEGE WHERE I SPENT ONE

SEMESTER.

IT WAS JUST LIKE THE SHOW

COMMUNITY NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

TONIGHT'S PROGRAM THIS HILLBILLY

GETS A WEB REDEMPTION, I

INTRODUCE TO YOU MY FAVORITE

COACH AND WE MAKE SOME INSANE

PROCLAMATIONS.

NOW LET'S SEE HOW COLD AND FLU

SEASON STARTED THIS YEAR.

THERE ARE A LOT WORST HOLES THAT

FINGER COULD OF BEEN IN.

THE 2 AND THE 5 HOLE TO BE

SPECIFIC.

[LAUGHING]

>> SAMMIE AND RONNIE HAVE BEEN

GOING AT IT SINCE THEY WERE

KIDS.

SHOULD OF SLAPPED HIS PARENTS

FOR GIVING HIM THOSE EARS.

NEVER MIND GO BACK TO PUTTING

SUNGLASSES ON THE 2-LITER,

WEIRDO.

LET'S HEAD DOWN TO MY FAVORITE

FISHING HOLE.

[LAUGHING]

>> THE CATCH OF THE DAY IS THIS

CHICK'S SLOPPY FLOUNDER.

QUIT MOANING YOU WILL SCARE THE

FISH AWAY.

I'M FINE WITH EVERYTHING HERE

BUT HER CREEPY FATHER WATCHING.

NEW YORK CITY IS FULL OF DIRTY

COPS.

*

*

[LAUGHING]

>> THE DA IS GOING TO HAVE A

FIELD DAY WITH THIS ONE.

AH, YA, HE'S HERE TO PROTECT AND

SERVE THAT ASS.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT'S HOW YOU GET NYPD BLUE

BALLS.

WASN'T AS SEXY WHEN THEY DANCED

WITH RODNEY KING.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

>> AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I'M A

VOLUNTEER COP.

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT I GOT STUCK

WORKING THE WHITE PARADE THIS

YEAR.

[LAUGHING]

*

[LAUGHING]

>> I'M GET TOO LONG OLD FOR THIS

[BEEP].

SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS NEXT

GIRL ISN'T CLARITIN CLEAR.

>> GOD BLESS YOU, GESUNDHEIT,

EXCUSE YOU, PARDON ME, PEACE BE

WITH YOU, AND ALSO WITH YOU,

AMEN, WHOOP THERE IT IS, JUST DO

IT, WAR EAGLE, OKAY THEN, PLEASE

STOP NOW, SHAZAM, IS THAT POW,

SALUD, YOU'RE SO GOOD LOOKING,

LIVE STRONG, HEY OH, I HATE YOU.

>> I THINK HER SWEATSHIRT IS

MADE OF CAT HAIR.

[LAUGHING]

MAYBE SHE HAS A HEAVY METAL SONG

STUCK IN HER HEAD

*

I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO THAT

SONG.

I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS WOMEN

I KNOW I HATE HER.

>> OKAY OKAY.

OH MY GOSH,

OH MY GOSH,

OH MY GOSH,

OH MY GOSH,.

>> WHAT COULB BE SPOOKING THAT

HORSE?

>> OKAY OKAY.

OH MY GOSH,

RUN, EDDIE RUN!

RUN, RUN!

>> RUN?

DOES SHE THINK HORSES EXPLODE

WHEN THEY FALL OVER?

OH.

>> AHH!

[LAUGHING]

>> WAIT UNTIL SHE SEES A BLACK

PERSON IN CENTRAL PARK.

[LAUGHING]

>> SHE REACTS THE SAME WAY WHEN

THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS

CLOSED.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHING]

>> POOR KID HE MISSED THE TRAIN

TO HOGWARTS.

>> WHOSE NEXT?

OH, ALRIGHT.

LET'S SEE IF HIS BIG FAT BROTHER

CAN DO ANY BETTER IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> OKAY IF YOUR NICKNAME IS

CHUBS MAYBE JUMPING A RAMP

SHOULDN'T BE YOUR RECESS

ACTIVITY.

THAT'S WHY GOD INVENTED

COMPUTERS AND TRUMPETS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> HE HAS BEEN CARBO LOADING HIS

WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT.

PRETTY GOOD HEAD OF STEAM.

FAT PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ABOUT TO

DIE.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH ...

ET COULDN'T OF HELPED THAT BIG

BONE BOY GET BIG AIR ON A BMX

BIKE.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHILDHOOD OBESITY CLAIMS IT'S

LATEST VICTIM.

[LAUGHING]

>> SOMETHING TELLS ME TODAY IS

NOT THE DAY HE STOPS GETTING

TEASED AND WINS THE RESPECT OF

HIS PEERS.

HAVE FUN EATING ENORMOUS

PORTIONS OF LUNCH BY YOURSELF.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH, I HOPE IT'S NOT HIS ICE

CREAM SUNDAE EATING ARM.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE HE CAN REACH

INTO THE TRAP DOOR OF SNACK

MACHINE IN THE CONTINENTAL US.

GET A BLACK CAST SO IT WON'T BE

OBVIOUS WHEN SOMEONE SIGNS IT.

>> MY ARM!

>> WE'RE GLAD HE'S DRINKING

CHOCOLATE MILK SO HIS BONES ARE

AS BRITTLE AS THE ABILITY TO

RESIST CAKE.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A

HILLY BILLY STUNTMAN BUT FIRST

HERE IS HOW YOU SAVE A ROW OF

SEATS ON A SUBWAY.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I GOT AN ANTIDEPRESSANT

BOTTLE FULL OF THUMBTACKS.

(OH! )

>> YOU CAUGHT THIS ONE ON

YOUTUBE AND POSSIBLY MYSPACE.

[BEEP]

>> PUT THE WOOD OUT.

[LAUGHING]

>> THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING

POOR IS IT'S HARD TO KILL

YOURSELF FROM A ONE-STORY

TRAILER.

THAT'S WILD CHILD BENNY SMALLS.

AN AMATEUR STUNTMAN FROM

KENTUCKY.

AN EYE DEAL JOB FOR A HILLBILLY.

IT'S THE ONLY CAREER IN THE

WORLD WHERE THE LESS EDUCATION

YOU HAVE THE MORE QUALIFIED YOU

ARE.

STUNT PEOPLE AREN'T GOOD LOCKING

ENOUGH TO BE IN FRONT OF THE

CAMERA YOU THINK JOHNNY DEPP IS

DOING HIS OWN STUNTS.

IF YOU'RE A STUNTMAN BE AWARE

PRODUCTION WOULDN'T SKIP A BEAT

IF YOU WERE BURNED ALIVE.

TOM CRUISE IS KNOWN FOR DOING

HIS OWN STUNTS.

WAY TO GO HE WORE GREENSPAN DEX

AND FELL THREE FEET ON A GREEN

PAD.

I GUESS HANGING WITH BUFF DUDES

IS BETTER THAN HANGING WITH YOUR

HETEROSEXUAL WIFE IN THE

TRAILER.

WE CAN MAKE RYAN REYNOLDS ABLE

H. FLY BUT CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE

HE'S IN WATCHABLE.

EVE HE WILL KENWATCHABLE.

EVEL KNIEVEL --

IF HE WANTS TO BRAKE EVERY BONE

IN HIS BODY WHO AM I TO STOP

HIM.

THAT'S WHY I TOOK OUT A

INSURANCE POLICY IN HIS NAME AND

INVITED HIM TO THE TRAILER FOR

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> SHUT THE [BEEP] UP, MOM.

>> WELCOME TO LOT G AND A HALF.

>> THANK YOU, DOING A LITTLE

COOKING.

>> METH IS DONE.

I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR METH UNDER

BAKED.

>> WHERE YOU FROM?

>> KENTUCKY.

>> WHERE IN KEN DEN?

>> HORSE BRANCH.

>> BIG LIBERAL CITY.

>> FULL OF HIPPIES.

>> ARE A STUNTMAN?

>> NO, I DON'T THINK . SO.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

THIS.

>> ABOUT 13, 14.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?

>> 27.

>> YOU HAVE OVER TEN YEARS IN

THE GAME.

>> 13.

>> HOLY COULD YOU.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING THAT

DAY.

>> THAT STUNT WAS TWO CONCRETE

BLOCKS AND MORE WITH THUMBTACKS.

HOPPED OFF MY PARENTS HOUSE.

>> THE CYNDER BLOCKS WENT UP IN

THE AIR CARTOON STYLE ON YOUR

HEAD.

>> THE FIRST BOARD BROKE, IT WAS

A CATAPULT EFFECT.

I HAD 15 STAPLES HERE.

>> DO YOU HAVE MEDICAL

INSURANCE?

>> NO.

>> YOU GO OUT OF POCKET?

>> GO OUT OF POCKET OR TOSS THE

BILLS IN THE TRASH, WHATEVER.

>> DO YOU HAVE A DAY JOB.

>> I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE

MILITARY.

>> WHAT FOR.

>> SMOKING THE GANGE.

>> DO YOUR PARENTS MIND YOU

JUMPING OFF THE ROOF.

>> NOT IF IT MAKES A LEAK.

BEYOND THAT THEY DON'T MIND.

SINCE I WAS 13, 14 THEY

ENCOURAGE IT DID.

>> MORE ENJOYABLE THAN WATCHING

YOUR KIDS PLAY A BASEBALL GAME.

>> OF COURSE.

>> MY KID IS JUMPING OFF THE

ROOF INTO A FLAMING PILE OF

BOARDS.

>> A FRIEND SAYS TIME HIT A

HOMERUN.

BEN SET HIMSELF ON FIRE WHO IS

COOLER.

>> TIME IS 6.

BEN IS 27.

I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

>> HOW MANY FLARES COULD YOU

TAKE TO THE CHEST?

>> BACK TO BACK.

>> HALF A DOZEN.

>> TWENTY.

>> TWENTY?

>> TWENTY I CAN TAKE.

>> WHAT IS THE MOST SERIOUS

INJURY YOU HAD.

>> STITCHES HERE.

>> DOES THAT GIVE YOU ACCESS TO

BETTER PARKING?

>> TUZ DIDN'T CAN'T LEAVE IT IN

HE CAR.T

>> WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE STUNT

IN A MOVIE.

>> FULL BODY BURN IN JASON.

ANYONE FALLING THROUGH A GREEN

HOUSE.

>> MY FAVORITE IS ANY MOVIE THAT

CAMERON DIAZ IS IN AND THEY MAKE

HER LOOK ATTRACTIVE.

WHAT ARE YOUR STUNT ADVICE?

>> YOU GO BIG AND SCREW UP AND

NEVER TRY IT AGAIN.

>> WHAT IS TOO YOUNG TO JUMP

INTO FIRE.

>> 7 AND UNDER.

>> 8 YEAR OLDS SEND YOUR VIDEO.

IN.

>> YOU WANT TO BE A STUNTMAN.

I NEED A STUNT DOUBLE.

I'M TOO FAMOUS TO TAKE THESE

RISKS EVERY DAY.

YOU INTERESTED.

>> I'M INTERESTED.

LET'S DO IT.

>> YOU LOOK HANDSOME.

NOBODY WILL TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

THE FIRST IS DANGEROUS.

DODGING AIDS.

SOME OF THEM ARE VERY DIRTY AND

I'M NOT GOING TO RISK IT.

>> YOU TAKE IT EASY ON MY STUNT

DOUBLE.

LET ME KNOW WHEN IT'S HIS TURN.

>> YOUR NEXT STUNT IS TO TALK TO

MY MOTHER.

>> HEY, MOM.

I DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT A

MAN IN HIS 30S ISN'T MARRIED

YET.

>> IT'S NOT.

>> HEY, TELL HER I FOUND A GOOD

CHURCH.

>> SHE HUNG UP.

[BEEP]

>> THAT'S WHY SHE'S [BEEP]

>> PERFECT PUSH UPS 98, 99, 100.

THESE WORKOUTS ARE GUILTYING

EXHAUSTING.

>> ONE MORE THING I NEED YOU TO

DO.

TO KEEP ME ON MY TOWED I LIKE TO

JUMP TO A BURNING BOARD COVERED

IN TACKS.

>> OKAY.

>> I'M NOT FINISHED.

I LIKE TO DO IT COVERED WITH

HONEY AFTER SHOTGUNNING A CAN OF

JEREMIAH WEED AND MY COMEDY OF

THE YEAR AWARD SHOVED UP MY ASS

WHILE HOLDING A CHINESE BABY.

>> THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE BUT

WHY ARE WHICH NAKED?

>> THAT'S KIND OF MY THING.

THAT IS A LONG NIPPLE HAIR.

IS THE COMEDY AWARD UP YOUR ASS?

>> YES.

>> ANOTHER SHOT?

>> LET'S DO IT.

*

(LOTS OF NOISE)

* (CELESTIAL MUSIC).

>> DON'T PANIC.

KEEP BURNING.

I WILL BE RIGHT DOWN.

GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB.

>> IS THE BABY OKAY?

>> WHO CARES.

HOW IS MY COMEDY AWARD.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT MOIETY BE THE PUREST

REMEMBER REDEMPTION I HAVE EVER

DONE.

THAT CRAZY ACTUALLY JUMPED OFF

THE TRAILER.

IF BENNY TAUGHT ME ANYTHING A

BODY DOUBLE PAILS TO THE REAL

THING.

RIGHT?

DROP THE ROBE.

OH, WE ALMOST MADE IT SORRY WE

HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE TRAIN TO

CROSS BEFORE WE CAN GO TO

COMMERCIAL.

(TRAIN)

[LAUGHING]

>> TRYING TO GET OUR BOYS READY.

DOOR IS OPEN, SCREEN IS BROKE.

WE NEED A NEW SCREEN DOOR.

SCREEN IS BROKE.

YOU CAN COME IN BUT YOU CAN'T

GUILTY OUT.

I TURN AND LOOK A KITTY CAT IS

IN THE KITCHEN.

I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN

HERE KITTY CAT.

BY THAT TIME THE CAT TURNS AND

TRIES TO GET OUT.

THE SCREEN WON'T GO THAT WAY.

THE CAT GOES ALL CRAZY.

I TOLD OUR PLAYERS WE NEED MORE

DOGS.

BO IS BARKING IN THE BACK.

MEL SAYS WHAT IS GOING ON.

I SAY A CAT IS IN THE HOUSE.

A CAT IN THE HOUSE?

YES, A CAT IS IN THE HOUSE.

THE CAT WAS STILL GOING CRAZY

IN.

THERE I TOLD THE PLAYERS WE NEED

MORE DOGS.

WHICH DON'T NEED A BUNCH OF CATS

IN HERE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.

I LOOK GOOD.

I HAVE MY EXTRA BANDS ON.

MY OTHER SHOES ON.

BE A DOG.

WE DON'T NEED KNOW MEOWS, WE

DON'T NEED CATS WE NEED DOGS.

>> THAT'S COACH DAVID BEN.

YOU KNOW WHERE THIS WILL END UP.

>> I TOLD THE PLAYERS YOU NEED

TO BE MORE LIKE A DOG.

>> COACH YOU NEED TO BE MORE

AGGRESSIVE.

>> BE A DOG.

>> PIT BULLS ARE GOOD.

PIT BULLS ARE FIERCE BUT THEY'RE

INBRED.

SHOULD HAVE SAID BE LIKE A

MONKEY.

MONKEYS ARE STRONGER THAN HUMANS

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

>> NOT A GOOD IDEA TO CALL

ATHLETES MONK HE'S.

>> WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE

RACE CARD.

>> CAT IN THE HOUSE, CAT IN THE

HOUSE.

I SAID THERE IS A CAT IN THE

HOUSE.

>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH BEING A

CAT.

WHAT IF IT'S A CHEETAH OR LION.

>> SMALLER CATS THAT DO THE

KILLING LIKE A CHEETAH.

THEN THE LIONS COME IN AND SCARE

THE CHEETAH AWAY AND EAT.

>> THE POINT IS COACH, ANY OF

THESE WOULD SLAUGHTER A DOG.

>> A [BEEP] LUNATIC.

LET'S END THIS COMMERCIAL.

AWFUL [BEEP].

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING LITTLE

KITTY CAT.

>> TRY TO MAKE IT TASTELESS LIKE

[BEEP]

INSTEAD OF A VORTEX VENT TO POUR

IT DOWN FASTER.

>> DIDN'T HEAR THE SILVER BULLET

TRAIN COMING.

YOU HAVE TO BE A DOG.

>> THAT'S THE THIRD TRAIN IN

THIS EPISODE.

CHOO CHOO LOCOMOTIVE FANS.

CHOO CHOO FOR YOU.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UP LOAD A CLIP.

THIS COMES FROM THE MIDNIGHT

SHOW.

>> ALEX.

>> DON'T TALK TO ME WHILE YOU'RE

DOING THAT.

>> I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING.

>> I WANT TO USE MY OTHER HAND.

>> YOU MEAN MY ONE HAND.

>> MY OTHER HAND.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER HAND.

WE EACH GET ONE.

>> COME ON MAN, I HEAR IT FEELS

LIKE SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING IT

WHEN YOU USE YOUR OTHER HAND.

>> SOMEONE ELSE WOULD BE DOING

IT ME.

NO.

>> PLEASE.

>> NO.

>> I WILL MAKE YOU DO IT MYSELF.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> MIKE, STOP IT!

>> MIKE, GROSS.

>> TWO CAN PLAY THAT CAN GAME

BUDDY.

>> YA.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> TEACHING YOU A LESSON.

>> I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON.

>> I'M TEACH YOU A LESSON.

>> I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON.

>> DAD!

>> GOD DAMN AT THIS TOLD YOU NO

MORE PLAYING SIAMESE TWINS.

>> SORRY.

>> SORRY.

>> THE FIRST PERSON I EVER

FRENCH KISSED WAS MY BROTHER.

TRUE STORY MY SISTER MADE US DO

IT IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.

WHICH WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

MORE OF THE GONG SHOW WITH DAVID

[ APPLAUSE ]

*

>> WELCOME BACK.

TO TERA NOVA.

NEXT WEEK BRAD THE ACTOR GETS A

WEB REDEMPTION SOMEWHERE.

>> I KEEP WAKING UP IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ALL DRENCHED

IN SWEAT.

YESTERDAY I PUT MY FIST THROUGH

THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED IT INTO

PIECES.

MY MOM IS DEAD.

>> WHAT THE [BEEP] IS SWAT.

>> TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG.

BEFORE WE GO INSANE

PROCLAMATIONS.

THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD OF ANY

THANKSGIVING DINNER IS GRAVY.

THERE.

I SAID IT

IF I TRIED REALLY HARD AND

FOCUSED I COULD BE A ROLL PLAYER

ON ANY NBA TEAM.

END OF DISCUSSION.

I WANT YOU KNOW MY DOG'S LIVES

ARE WORTH MORE THAN ANY NON

AMERICAN BORN CHILD.

THIS MAY SEEM CRAZY BUT THIS IS

HOW I FEEL.

I ASKED TWITTER FOLLOWERS TO

SEND ME THEIR OWN INSANE

PROCLAMATIONS.

HERE IS WHAT YOU THINK.

IF SHE'S HOT YOU DON'T NEED A

RUBBER.

CORN FLAKES ARE BETTER THAN

FROSTED FLAKES.

BLASPHEMY.

BATH AND BODY WORKS IS THE BEST

STORE FOR CANDLES.

GARY COALMAN ALWAYS KNEW WHAT

WILLIS WAS TALKING ABOUT.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T ENJOY BARBECUE

POTATO CHIPS.

IS THERE ANYONE IN HERE THAT

DOESN'T ENJOY BARBECUE POTATO

CHIPS.

YA THAT'S A STRAIGHT UP [BEEP]

LIE.

REGGIE BUSH IS A VERY DOWN BACK.

NOT DURABLE ENOUGH.

MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP IS THE BEST

OF ALL ICE CREAM.

THAT GUY IS A LUNATIC.

I WILL TAKE THE STUPID ICE CREAM

WITH GUM IN IT.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SHOULD STICK

TO ACTING OR WHATEVER ELSE HE

WANTS TO DO WONDERFULLY.

TURKEY BACON WHO CAN TELL THE

DIFFERENCE?

ANYONE WITH A TONGUE.

FIRE IS THE GREATEST OF THE

ELEMENTS.

EXCUSE ME, WATER?

[LAUGHING]

>> I HAVE READ AND AGREED TO THE

TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER READ EVERYTHING

AND LIKE, AGREE.

[LAUGHING]

>> YOU ARE TRULY INSANE.

THOSE -- IF I HAVE SAID IT ONCE

I HAVE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

YOU CAN DO A BIT WITH YOUR FANS

DOING ALL THE WORK FOR YOU.

THAT'S INSANE.

ALRIGHT THAT'S IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> OOOHHH, GET A ROOM, AUDIENCE.

>> YOU HAVE ALWAYS FILMED YOUR

STUNTS.

>> MOST TIME IT'S VHS.

>> I'M EXCITED THEY HAVE VHS IN

KENTUCKY.

>> HOW MANY KID ROCK CONCERTS