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>> HOLD ON.
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HOLD ON.
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>> HERE WE GO.
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1, 2, 3.
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GO.
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[SCREAMING]
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PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SPLASHED ALL
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THE WATER OUT OF THE LAKE
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ANYHOW.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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REPPING THE U... IN MY
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COLLEGIATE APPAREL.
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I WAS GONNA WEAR SOMETHING FROM
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MY ALMA MATER UCF BUT MIAMI PAID
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ME MORE.
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AND, THEY GAVE ME A GIFT CARD
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GOOD FOR ONE FREE ABORTION.
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NON-TRANSFERABLE.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW
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THIS SURFER GETS A WEB
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REDEMPTION
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WE TAKE A RIDE ON THE ULTIMATE
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MOTOR BOAT
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AND I CALL UP SOME OLD COLLEGE
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BUDDIES.
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NOW, LET'S GO BACK TO FAT CAMP.
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I'M SURPRISED THAT LADDER HELD
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HER UP FOR THAT LONG.
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[SCREAMING]
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>> TOSH.0.
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YOU'RE TOO FAT TO BE WEARING A
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2-PIECE.
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SOMEONE FIGURED OUT THE TOSH
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FORMULA.
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WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU
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DIDN'T GUESS I'D SAY: "YOU HAVE
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A BEAUTIFUL FACE.
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YEAH.
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AND YOU SHOULDN'T SELL YOURSELF
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SHORT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
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THINNEST CHICK IN THAT VIDEO."
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IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.
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[SCREAMING]
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AND JUST SO NOBODY THINKS I'M
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GOING SOFT, SHE'S WAY TOO FAT
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FOR A TWO-PIECE.
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IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY WITH
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FIRE, MAKE SURE YOU DO IT IN ONE
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OF OUR TREASURED NATIONAL
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FORESTS.
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RELAX; NOBODY NEEDS SKIN.
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THAT'S THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF
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TIME IF HIS HEAD WERE A
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MARSHMALLOW.
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HE IS BATMAN'S PROBLEM NOW.
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THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO
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WHITNEY CUMMINGS' GREASY FACE
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I'M GONNA GET AN EMAIL.
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DID YOU KNOW JUGGLING THREE
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APPLES A DAY KEEPS THE LADIES
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AWAY?
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>> 1, 2, 3.
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YOU CANNOT COMPARE THIS TO A GUY
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WHO DOES THE SAME THING WITH
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ORANGES.
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THAT'S DANGEROUS, ONE OF THOSE
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IS POISON.
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FOR SOMEONE EATING SO HEALTHY
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AND EXERCISING, YOU'D THINK HE'D
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HAVE A BETTER BOD.
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ALL RIGHT.
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ANYONE CAN DO IT WITH FRUIT.
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I CAN DO IT WITH A THREE-COURSE
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MEAL.
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>> WE HAVE AN AWESOME BLOSSOM,
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AND A CHEESECAKE WITH A
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RASPBERRY SAUCE, AND I'LL BE
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TAKING BITES IN THE PROPER
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ORDER.
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ALL RIGHT.
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SORRY, I WAS TOO BUSY HAVING
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FRIENDS AS A KID TO LEARN HOW TO
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JUGGLE.
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LET'S PLAY "WHERE WALDO AT?"
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*
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*
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HOW SCARY FOR ALL THOSE WHITE
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PEOPLE!
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LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
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THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR KEVIN
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GARNETT LIVING IN BOSTON.
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OF COURSE HE'S THE TALLEST ONE.
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GOTTA PROTECT THAT PURPLE DRINK.
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NOW HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL EVERY
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TIME I GO TO HOMETOWN BUFFET.
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I WONDER HOW MANY WALLETS HE
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LIFTED.
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BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A
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CRIMINAL.
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HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE.
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THE AFTERNOON FORECAST CALLS FOR
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MOSTLY SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF
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DIARRHEA.
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WEATHERMEN ARE ALWAYS WRONG
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THAT WAS NOT DIARRHEA, THAT WAS
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VOMIT.
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ANOTHER DISASTER AT AN AIR SHOW.
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THE ONLY GOOD PART OF HANG
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GLIDING IS LYING ON TOP OF
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ANOTHER MAN.
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AM I RIGHT?
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MEN LIKE MEN?
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I THINK HE WAS OVER DOLPHINS
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STADIUM.
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OUR QUARTERBACK SITUATION IS A
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BIT SICKENING.
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MAYBE HE WAS SKYWRITING.
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I'LL GO ON RECORD AS SAYING THEY
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HAVE THE BEST CRUST.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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SEE WHEN YOU DRESS LIKE THAT,
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LADIES, YOU'RE ASKING TO BE
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ATTACKED.
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NOW, LET'S PULL A MEMENTO AND
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FIND OUT WHY HER WALK OF SHAME
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HAS A LIMP IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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OUR STORY BEGINS 45 SECONDS
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EARLIER IN A BEAUTIFUL BACKYARD
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IN RUSSIA.
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LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY THING THEIR
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COUNTRY PRODUCES IS RUST.
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I BET THOSE CRATES ARE FILLED
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WITH NUKES THOSE COMMIES WERE
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TOO CHICKEN TO FIRE OFF 30 YEARS
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AGO.
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SORRY.
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IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AN AWFUL
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PLACE FOR THAT WOMAN TO DO YOGA.
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WHAT THE [BLEEP]!
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WHAT THE [BLEEP]!
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DID A POLAR BEAR JUST START
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EATING HER?
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OKAY.
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A RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD MIGHT
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SEEM LIKE A WEIRD PLACE FOR A
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POLAR BEAR, BUT THANKS TO
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COCA-COLA, THEY NOW HAVE A TASTE
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FOR SODA.
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YEA.
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IN THE U.S., IT'S THE BLACK
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BEARS WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
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MOST OF THE INNER-CITY CRIME.
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ALL RIGHT.
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JUST LET HIM EAT YOU.
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LIFE THERE IS NOT GONNA GET ANY
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BETTER, I PROMISE.
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ALL RIGHT.
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THIS NEXT PART IS TOUGH TO
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WATCH.
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YOU'RE GONNA SEE A BOTTLE COME
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FLYING IN.
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YOU MISSED HER, YOU ASSHOLE.
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YOU HIT THE BEAR.
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THOSE THINGS ARE AN ENDANGERED
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SPECIES.
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THERE'S TONS OF PEOPLE.
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LUCKY FOR HER, EVERY RUSSIAN HAS
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A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR ON THEM AT
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ALL TIMES.
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HE'S LIKE, "I'LL HELP YOU.
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JUST LET ME POLISH THIS ONE
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OFF."
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ALL RIGHT.
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SPEED IT THE [BLEEP] UP, LADY.
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IF GETTING MANGLED BY A BEAR
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DOESN'T PUT A PEP IN YOUR STEP,
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NOTHING WILL.
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AND WE'RE BACK TO WHERE WE
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STARTED.
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GIRLS, NEVER PULL DOWN YOUR
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PANTS AROUND A POLAR BEAR.
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THEY WILL ATTACK ANYTHING THAT
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SMELLS LIKE A DYING SEAL.
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BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE
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REAL MONSTER HERE IS CLIMATE
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CHANGE, AND FOR THAT WE THANK
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YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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SURFER'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT
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FIRST
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HERE'S HOW YOUR HAND WORKS
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>> YEAH.
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>> BUT THE PARK IS STILL FLOODED
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SO YOU'LL STILL SEE KIDS OUT
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THERE.
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>> YOU GET THE BEST BARRELS.
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YOU PULL IN AND YOU GET SPIT
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RIGHT OUT OF THEM.
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YOU JUST DROP IN, AND SMACK,
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PULL BACK.
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JOG DOWN.
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AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU JUST
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DROP IN.
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RIDE THE BARREL, AND GET IT
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PITTED LIKE THAT.
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STILL SOUNDS MORE INTELLIGENT
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THAN ANYONE FROM THE SOUTH.
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MICAH'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHY
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I DON'T DO JOKES ABOUT SURFING.
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IT'S NOT BECAUSE I AM A SURFER,
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IT'S BECAUSE SURFERS ARE TOO
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DUMB TO GET THE JOKES.
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THAT'S WHY THERE WILL NEVER EVER
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BE AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF
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SURFING IN A MOVIE -- BECAUSE A
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SURFER WOULD HAVE TO WRITE A
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MOVIE.
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AND THERE'S NO MONEY IN SURFING,
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DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY WHORE
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THEMSELVES OUT.
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I HAVE NO SPONSORS AND I MAKE
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MORE THAN THE BEST PRO SURFERS
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DO IN A YEAR BEFORE OUR FIRST
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COMMERCIAL.
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MY POINT IS, SPEND A LITTLE LESS
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TIME TRYING TO PREDICT THE NEXT
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TROPICAL DEPRESSION, AND A
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LITTLE MORE TIME ON YOUR [BLEEP]
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JOKES.
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AND DON'T SURF WITH GIRLS
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NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE TERRIBLE AT
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IT, BUT BECAUSE SHARKS CAN SMELL
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A DROP OF BLOOD FROM A QUARTER
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MILE AWAY.
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AND A WOMAN'S VAGINA BLEEDS
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THREE MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR.
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THEY'RE FLOATING CHUM FACTORIES.
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THERE'S A REASON THAT
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SOUL SURFER ONLY HAS ONE ARM
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AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S BECAUSE
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SHE FORGOT TO STUFF HER POON
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PROPERLY.
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KELLY SLATER IS THE MOST FAMOUS
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SURFER IN THE WORLD AND I BET
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HALF YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE HE'S
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A MAN.
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IT'S HARD TO LOOK UP TO YOUR
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HERO WHEN HE'S ONLY 5'6".
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I'M SURE AS [BLEEP] NOT GOING TO
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WASTE TIME MAKING JOKES ABOUT
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OTHER SURFERS.
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THOSE GUYS ON
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WORKAHOLICS ARE MORE
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RECOGNIZABLE.
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MORGAN MURPHY IS LOOKING A LOT
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BETTER.
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A SPORT WITHOUT BLACK PEOPLE IS
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A SPORT NO ONE ENJOYS WATCHING.
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WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE DWIGHT
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HOWARD IN A TWENTY-FOOT DEATH
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BOWL AT TEAHUPOO?
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UNFORTUNATELY, THE BEST ATHLETES
266
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:06,627
AREN'T REALLY BEACH PEOPLE.
267
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:07,303
HAWAIIANS ARE THE BLACKS OF
268
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,370
SURFING.
269
00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:10,097
THEY'RE DARK, ATHLETIC, AND WAY
270
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,530
BETTER THAN THE WHITES.
271
00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:12,203
THEY'RE CERTAINLY THE MOST
272
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,170
PASSIONATE SURFERS.
273
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,267
AND IF IT WASN'T FOR BRAZILIANS,
274
00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:17,067
THEY'D BE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLES.
275
00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:19,067
THE ONLY THINGS SURFERS HAVE IN
276
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,167
COMMON WITH THE REST OF AMERICA
277
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:21,897
IS THEY'RE UNEMPLOYED AND LOVE
278
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:22,770
CRYSTAL METH.
279
00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:23,497
MICAH'S PROBLEM WAS HE GOT TOO
280
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,400
STOKED.
281
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,070
SO I FLEW HIM HERE -- WHOOSH --
282
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,767
HIS PLANE LANDED -- BLADAH --
283
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:31,467
AND THEN HE GOT ALL SCOOO IN
284
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:39,067
THIS WEEK'S WEB RAPASH-DEMPTION!
285
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:39,897
>> WHAT?
286
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,170
>> WHAT?
287
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:46,397
>> DO YOU SEE --?
288
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,600
>> HAVE YOU SEEN BODHI.
289
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,430
>> WHO?
290
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:52,203
>> I JUST BROKE MY STICK.
291
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,630
>> HOW LONG YOU BEEN SURFING.
292
00:09:54,633 --> 00:09:56,303
FOR LIKE 14 YEARS.
293
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,070
>> WHY WERE YOU BEING
294
00:09:58,067 --> 00:09:58,867
INTERVIEWED THAT DAY.
295
00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,567
>> I HAD BROKEN A SURF BOARD AND
296
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,227
I WAS SURFING AT THE WEDGE.
297
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:07,003
>> IT'S PERFECT TO MAKE FUN OF.
298
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,330
>> AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU JUST
299
00:10:09,333 --> 00:10:11,873
DROP IN AND RIDE THE BARREL, AND
300
00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:13,567
GET PITTED.
301
00:10:13,567 --> 00:10:15,697
>> DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOU FROM
302
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:16,570
THAT VIDEO.
303
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,867
I WAS SURFING IN THE NEWPORT,
304
00:10:18,867 --> 00:10:24,397
AND COUPLE OF KIDS RECOGNIZED
305
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:24,730
ME.
306
00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:27,173
>> HOW MUCH FISH TACOS DO YOU
307
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,627
EAT IN A WEEK.
308
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:35,133
>> DO YOU LIKE SURFERS.
309
00:10:35,133 --> 00:10:37,033
>> YEAH I DOOCHLT
310
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:41,533
>> DO YOU THINK THEY GET A BUM
311
00:10:41,533 --> 00:10:41,803
REP.
312
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,330
>> TOTALLY.
313
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,903
>> ON OCCASION.
314
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:46,600
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ONE.
315
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,900
I'D LOVE TO HEAR A FEW.
316
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:51,830
>> LIKE BAAAH!
317
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:54,603
>> YOU HAVE TO START WITH B,
318
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,770
LIKE BAAAH!
319
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:58,397
KIND OF LIKE THAT MAYBE.
320
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,370
>> DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
321
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:01,527
COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE LIKE
322
00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:01,833
THAT.
323
00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:05,303
>> I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CUN SIR
324
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:08,200
SATING WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOO
325
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:19,200
BIG OF AN EG
326
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,270
>> WHAT IS BETTER, PLAYING
327
00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:23,327
SURFERS OR BLACK PEOPLE?
328
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:26,733
>> OH MAN.
329
00:11:26,733 --> 00:11:28,173
IT'S LIKE LITERALLY IT'S THE
330
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:28,697
SAME, DUDE.
331
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:30,130
>> IT'S THE SAME.
332
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:36,133
>> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CALLED A
333
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:36,733
KO
334
00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:37,073
KOOK?
335
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:39,767
>> PLENTY OF TIMES.
336
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,227
ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.
337
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:44,073
EVEN LIKE IT'S TOUGH TO SAY THIS
338
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,667
ONE LIKE EVEN SEX.
339
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:49,667
AND I'VE NOT GOT OUT OF THE
340
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,227
OCEAN, AND HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE
341
00:11:51,233 --> 00:11:52,903
>> I DID ONE TIME.
342
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:54,470
GO FIGURE.
343
00:11:54,467 --> 00:11:56,927
>> DO YOU THINK YOUR WORLD WOULD
344
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,403
BE BETTER IF YOU WERE A BETTER
345
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,230
PUBLIC SPEAKER.
346
00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:01,073
FOR SURE.
347
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:02,827
WHO CAN GET IN FRONT OF A
348
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,473
AUDIENCE, AND -- WELL I'M
349
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,367
WILLING TO HELP YOU IF YOU'RE
350
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:07,127
OPEN TO MY PROCESS.
351
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:12,133
>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
352
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:13,573
>> OKAY.
353
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:16,097
I'M NOT A LICENSED SPEECH
354
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:16,530
THERAPIST.
355
00:12:16,533 --> 00:12:20,503
BUT I DID STAY AT A HOLIDAY INN
356
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:21,800
EXPRESS LAST NIGHT, AND THEY HAD
357
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,230
THE KING'S SPEECH ON DEMAND.
358
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:25,833
LET'S BEGIN.
359
00:12:25,833 --> 00:12:29,503
MOMMY MADE ME MASH MY M & M'S.
360
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,730
>> NOW WHILE I HOLD YOUR TONGUE.
361
00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:39,573
>> AHHH!
362
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:45,497
AHHHH!
363
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:46,900
>> WHAT ARE WE DOING.
364
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,100
>> SHUT UP, MICAH.
365
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,130
>> IS THIS GOING TO HELP MY
366
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:52,503
SPEAKING.
367
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,570
>> YOU'RE SPEAKING FINE.
368
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:54,627
THIS IS FOR ME.
369
00:12:54,633 --> 00:12:56,373
>> DON'T BITE IT.
370
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,927
>> DON'T BITE IT.
371
00:12:58,933 --> 00:13:04,873
>> SON OF A BITCH.
372
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:10,727
[BLEEP] [BLEEP].
373
00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:14,673
>> AS MICAH ADDRESSES THE GLOBAL
374
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:15,167
COMMUNITY.
375
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:16,927
>> THE LAST TIME YOU SPOKE TO
376
00:13:16,933 --> 00:13:19,073
THE PRESS IT WAS A DISASTER.
377
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:22,367
>> JUMP IN, AND BAAH!
378
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:24,067
>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE
379
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,727
YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER
380
00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:26,073
SHOT.
381
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:26,927
>> YES.
382
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:30,333
>> TRY TO THINK ALL OF THE
383
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:31,503
SURFERS LISTENING.
384
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:35,200
YOU JUST -- JUST SAY TO IT ME AS
385
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,170
A FRIEND.
386
00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:42,327
>> TEN SECONDS.ONDS.
387
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:46,533
>> ON THIS DAY MORE THAN ANY
388
00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:55,073
OTHER DAY IT'S JUST LIKE DUDE,
389
00:13:55,067 --> 00:14:00,927
YOU GET THE BEST BARRELS EVER.
390
00:14:00,933 --> 00:14:03,903
DUDE.
391
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:07,700
LIKE YOU PULL IN AND YOU
392
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:11,930
SUBSEQUENTLY GET FIT FOR, AND
393
00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:19,173
JUST DROP IN AND SMACK THE LIP.
394
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:21,297
OR PASS.
395
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,230
YOU DROP DOWN.
396
00:14:23,233 --> 00:14:27,573
>> AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU JUST
397
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:31,767
DROP IN AND RIDE THE BARREL.
398
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:36,767
>> AND GOD WILLING, GET PITTED.
399
00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:38,867
SO PITTED.
400
00:14:38,867 --> 00:14:44,697
>> LIKE THAT.
401
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:50,970
>> INDEED.
402
00:14:50,967 --> 00:14:52,467
IT'S NOT ALL [BLEEP] AND PUKE
403
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:53,097
AROUND HERE.
404
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:53,800
SOME OF US SAW THE TRAILER TO
405
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:54,700
THE KING'S SPEECH.
406
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:55,730
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST
407
00:14:55,733 --> 00:14:58,373
IT'S OUR PIE SMASH, NUT TAP,
408
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:01,827
BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK.
409
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:04,603
>> YOU WEAR THE FRESHEST
410
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:05,070
CLOTHES.
411
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:07,597
>> I JUST TEXTED YOU.
412
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,170
>> WAIT A SECOND.
413
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:17,667
>> PIE SMASH.
414
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:21,067
>> I WANT TO TAKE THIS TIME TO
415
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:24,067
ANNOUNCE YOU WERE ON IN ITALY,
416
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:28,067
IN 2011 WHERE I WAS GENA VOIDED
417
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:30,127
THE MASSIVE BREASTS IN THE
418
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:31,073
WORLD.
419
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,197
CONGRATULATIONS.
420
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,230
THAT B.B.B.W IS NORMA STITZ, AND
421
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,833
AFTER SEEING THOSE RECORD
422
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:37,073
SETTING BOOBS, I HAD TO INVITE
423
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:38,067
HER HERE TO BE A PART OF THE
424
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:54,667
ULTIMATE MOTOR BOAT.
425
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:56,767
I FOUND $8 WORTH OF LOOSE CHANGE
426
00:15:56,767 --> 00:16:00,067
BURIED IN THOSE BLACK BUOYS.
427
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,067
SPEAKING OF BREASTS, HOW ABOUT
428
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,197
SOME FAMOUS WHITE ONES?
429
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,900
I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL BEEN
430
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:06,600
ENJOYING SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S
431
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,330
CONTROVERSIAL LEAKED NUDES THAT
432
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:08,573
ARE ALL OVER THE INTERNET NOW.
433
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:09,667
SHE GOT HER CELL PHONE HACKED,
434
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:11,767
WHICH IS A COMMON PROBLEM AMONG
435
00:16:11,767 --> 00:16:12,497
SEXY A-LISTERS SUCH AS SCAR JO
436
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,500
AND MYSELF.
437
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,530
BUT I'VE DEVELOPED A SOLUTION.
438
00:16:16,533 --> 00:16:18,103
IT'S A NEW APP CALLED THE
439
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:18,630
[BLEEP.] BLOCKER'
440
00:16:18,633 --> 00:16:20,833
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
441
00:16:20,833 --> 00:16:21,573
THIS IS THE STANDARD PICTURE OF
442
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:22,267
MY [BLEEP] THAT I SEND TO ALL
443
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:27,267
THE LADIES.
444
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,067
NOW IF MY PHONE GOT HACKED, IT'D
445
00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:29,867
BE VERY EMBARRASSING.
446
00:16:29,867 --> 00:16:32,067
BUT THANKS TO 'THE [BLEEP]
447
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:34,197
BLOCKER,' AS SOON AS MY PHONE IS
448
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,830
TAMPERED WITH, IT AUTOMATICALLY
449
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:36,903
REPLACES MY PENIS WITH A MUCH
450
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:39,670
LARGER, MORE HANDSOME PENIS.
451
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:40,597
NOW, I WON'T BE ASHAMED WHEN
452
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,330
THEY SHOW IT ON TMZ.
453
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:45,073
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I STILL
454
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:45,797
HAVEN'T WORKED OUT ALL THE KINKS
455
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,070
YET.
456
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:48,697
UNFORTUNATELY 'THE [BLEEP]
457
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:49,430
BLOCKER' ADDS A GIANT PENIS TO
458
00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:53,333
EVERY PHOTO.
459
00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:54,073
THIS APP WILL BE AVAILABLE ON
460
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,967
OUR BLOG SHORTLY.
461
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,097
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, DON'T
462
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,670
FORGET TO UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A
463
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,327
CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
464
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:01,073
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
465
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:27,897
FROM WAVERLY FILMS.
466
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:38,970
AH.
467
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:41,867
[CRYING]
468
00:17:41,867 --> 00:17:42,597
THE REASON WE SHOW YOUR CRAPPY
469
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,330
VIDEOS IS TO PROVE HOW AWESOME
470
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:45,073
WE ARE.
471
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:45,767
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
472
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,067
AMERICAN BODY SHOP.
473
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,327
BUCK-CAW!
474
00:17:49,333 --> 00:18:08,173
WELCOME BACK.
475
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:08,867
IF IT LOOKS LIKE I'M TOUCHING
476
00:18:08,867 --> 00:18:09,597
MYSELF INAPPROPRIATELY, I'M JUST
477
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:10,270
POKING HERNIAS BACK INTO MY
478
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:13,067
GUTS.
479
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:16,627
NEXT WEEK, THE REDNECK STUNT MAN
480
00:18:16,633 --> 00:18:20,333
GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.
481
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,133
UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM HE
482
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:22,873
SURVIVED AND STILL HAS TO LIVE
483
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:25,767
IN HIS MOM'S TRAILER.
484
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:26,827
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
485
00:18:26,833 --> 00:18:28,403
LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.
486
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,430
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT
487
00:18:29,433 --> 00:18:30,573
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
488
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,627
WHILE YOU'RE THERE, CHECK OUT
489
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:34,303
THE TOSH.0 'OUT OF CONTEXT
490
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,070
PHRASE MACHINE,' WHERE YOU CAN
491
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,897
TAKE THE HORRIBLE THINGS I'VE
492
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:37,600
SAID AND ARRANGE THEM IN ANY
493
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,570
WAY.
494
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:39,467
MAKING ME SOUND EVEN MORE
495
00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:41,167
HORRIBLER.
496
00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:43,427
BEFORE WE GO, LAST WEEK AT ASU I
497
00:18:43,433 --> 00:18:45,403
DID PRETTY WELL WHEN IT CAME TO
498
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,070
GETTING THE DIGITS, FROM THE
499
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:49,527
LADIES, AND THE FELLAS.
500
00:18:49,533 --> 00:18:50,433
>> I'M KELLY.
501
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:51,703
>> HI KELLY.
502
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:52,430
THIS IS OUR NUMBER.
503
00:18:52,433 --> 00:18:54,233
>> OKAY.
504
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:55,933
HERE IS THE NUMBER FOR SOMEBODY
505
00:18:55,933 --> 00:18:57,833
WHO'S DOWN FOR A SAN FRANCISCO
506
00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,073
BIRD FEEDER.
507
00:18:59,067 --> 00:18:59,897
>> TAKE THIS.
508
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,900
>> I'LL TAKE IT.
509
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:06,900
>> I'M STILL A VIRGIN SO HERE'S
510
00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:08,330
MY NUMBER.
511
00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:09,073
AFTER I GOT HOME, I WAS FEELING
512
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,467
A LITTLE LONELY SO I MADE A FEW
513
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:11,167
DOZEN REGRETTABLE LATE NIGHT
514
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:15,067
PHONE CALLS.
515
00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:16,327
>> HELLO.
516
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:17,503
>> WHAT'S UP.
517
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,430
IT'S DANIEL.
518
00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:21,633
>> DANIEL TOSH.
519
00:19:21,633 --> 00:19:24,333
>> YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER
520
00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:24,873
LAST WEEK.
521
00:19:24,867 --> 00:19:25,827
WHAT WERE YOUR INTENTIONS.
522
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,333
>> ANYTHING REALLY.
523
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,073
>> ANYTHING?
524
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:30,667
>> HELLO.
525
00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,597
>> HEY IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO
526
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:34,070
[BLEEP].
527
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:35,897
YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND
528
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:40,300
YOU DIDN'T PUT A NAME ON IT.
529
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,070
IS THIS KATIE?
530
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,797
>> NO THIS IS NOT.
531
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,130
>> IS THIS TIMOTHY.
532
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:46,773
>> NO.
533
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:48,867
>> I CALLED THE WRONG ONE.
534
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:50,567
THIS IS DANIEL.
535
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:51,727
DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY CHANCE
536
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,703
WE COULD HAVE A REAL
537
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:54,130
RELATIONSHIP?
538
00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:54,703
>> I DON'T KNOW.
539
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:57,330
YOU WERE KIND OF MEAN TO ME WHEN
540
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:58,073
WE MET.
541
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,327
>> SEE.
542
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:01,803
THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO TALK TO
543
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,130
KATIE.
544
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:07,833
>> YOU TOLD ME THIS RAGE CASTLE
545
00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:08,133
SUCKS.
546
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:11,303
WHY WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR PHONE
547
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:13,600
NUMBER IF YOU'VE SEEN THE SHOW.
548
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,500
BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW YOU
549
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:19,970
BETTER SO I COULD SEE THE SHOW.
550
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:23,297
>> DO YOU DO THAT WITH EVERY TV
551
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:23,600
SHOW.
552
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:29,730
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW.
553
00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:34,733
>> WHAT DOES A REALLY FUN TIME
554
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:40,473
WITH ALIZA, AND CALEB, AND
555
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:41,167
ALLEY.
556
00:20:41,167 --> 00:20:42,297
>> WHATEVER.
557
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:43,470
LIKE PIZZA I GUESS.
558
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:46,497
>> HEY.
559
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,130
I'M HOPING THIS IS THE VIRGIN.
560
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,603
YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT ON YOUR
561
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,970
PIECE OF PAPER.
562
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:55,427
BUT REALLY WANT TO TAKE YOU UP
563
00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:57,473
ON THE OFFER.
564
00:20:57,467 --> 00:21:00,597
SORRY I CALLED SO MUCH.
565
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:01,470
IF YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER
566
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:02,097
AND I HAVEN'T CALLED IT'S
567
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:02,770
BECAUSE WE HAD SEX WHILE I
568
00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:04,597
WAS THERE AND I'VE MOVED ON.
569
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,630
GOODNIGHT.
570
00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:25,133
>> OH, OH, OH, OH.
35192
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