Original subtitles

>> HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

>> HERE WE GO.

1, 2, 3.

GO.

[SCREAMING]

PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SPLASHED ALL

THE WATER OUT OF THE LAKE

ANYHOW.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

REPPING THE U... IN MY

COLLEGIATE APPAREL.

I WAS GONNA WEAR SOMETHING FROM

MY ALMA MATER UCF BUT MIAMI PAID

ME MORE.

AND, THEY GAVE ME A GIFT CARD

GOOD FOR ONE FREE ABORTION.

NON-TRANSFERABLE.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW

THIS SURFER GETS A WEB

REDEMPTION

WE TAKE A RIDE ON THE ULTIMATE

MOTOR BOAT

AND I CALL UP SOME OLD COLLEGE

BUDDIES.

NOW, LET'S GO BACK TO FAT CAMP.

I'M SURPRISED THAT LADDER HELD

HER UP FOR THAT LONG.

[SCREAMING]

>> TOSH.0.

YOU'RE TOO FAT TO BE WEARING A

2-PIECE.

SOMEONE FIGURED OUT THE TOSH

FORMULA.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU

DIDN'T GUESS I'D SAY: "YOU HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL FACE.

YEAH.

AND YOU SHOULDN'T SELL YOURSELF

SHORT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE

THINNEST CHICK IN THAT VIDEO."

IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.

[SCREAMING]

AND JUST SO NOBODY THINKS I'M

GOING SOFT, SHE'S WAY TOO FAT

FOR A TWO-PIECE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY WITH

FIRE, MAKE SURE YOU DO IT IN ONE

OF OUR TREASURED NATIONAL

FORESTS.

RELAX; NOBODY NEEDS SKIN.

THAT'S THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF

TIME IF HIS HEAD WERE A

MARSHMALLOW.

HE IS BATMAN'S PROBLEM NOW.

THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO

WHITNEY CUMMINGS' GREASY FACE

I'M GONNA GET AN EMAIL.

DID YOU KNOW JUGGLING THREE

APPLES A DAY KEEPS THE LADIES

AWAY?

>> 1, 2, 3.

YOU CANNOT COMPARE THIS TO A GUY

WHO DOES THE SAME THING WITH

ORANGES.

THAT'S DANGEROUS, ONE OF THOSE

IS POISON.

FOR SOMEONE EATING SO HEALTHY

AND EXERCISING, YOU'D THINK HE'D

HAVE A BETTER BOD.

ALL RIGHT.

ANYONE CAN DO IT WITH FRUIT.

I CAN DO IT WITH A THREE-COURSE

MEAL.

>> WE HAVE AN AWESOME BLOSSOM,

AND A CHEESECAKE WITH A

RASPBERRY SAUCE, AND I'LL BE

TAKING BITES IN THE PROPER

ORDER.

ALL RIGHT.

SORRY, I WAS TOO BUSY HAVING

FRIENDS AS A KID TO LEARN HOW TO

JUGGLE.

LET'S PLAY "WHERE WALDO AT?"

*

*

HOW SCARY FOR ALL THOSE WHITE

PEOPLE!

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR KEVIN

GARNETT LIVING IN BOSTON.

OF COURSE HE'S THE TALLEST ONE.

GOTTA PROTECT THAT PURPLE DRINK.

NOW HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL EVERY

TIME I GO TO HOMETOWN BUFFET.

I WONDER HOW MANY WALLETS HE

LIFTED.

BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A

CRIMINAL.

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE.

THE AFTERNOON FORECAST CALLS FOR

MOSTLY SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF

DIARRHEA.

WEATHERMEN ARE ALWAYS WRONG

THAT WAS NOT DIARRHEA, THAT WAS

VOMIT.

ANOTHER DISASTER AT AN AIR SHOW.

THE ONLY GOOD PART OF HANG

GLIDING IS LYING ON TOP OF

ANOTHER MAN.

AM I RIGHT?

MEN LIKE MEN?

I THINK HE WAS OVER DOLPHINS

STADIUM.

OUR QUARTERBACK SITUATION IS A

BIT SICKENING.

MAYBE HE WAS SKYWRITING.

I'LL GO ON RECORD AS SAYING THEY

HAVE THE BEST CRUST.

WHAT'S NEXT?

SEE WHEN YOU DRESS LIKE THAT,

LADIES, YOU'RE ASKING TO BE

ATTACKED.

NOW, LET'S PULL A MEMENTO AND

FIND OUT WHY HER WALK OF SHAME

HAS A LIMP IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

OUR STORY BEGINS 45 SECONDS

EARLIER IN A BEAUTIFUL BACKYARD

IN RUSSIA.

LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY THING THEIR

COUNTRY PRODUCES IS RUST.

I BET THOSE CRATES ARE FILLED

WITH NUKES THOSE COMMIES WERE

TOO CHICKEN TO FIRE OFF 30 YEARS

AGO.

SORRY.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AN AWFUL

PLACE FOR THAT WOMAN TO DO YOGA.

WHAT THE [BLEEP]!

WHAT THE [BLEEP]!

DID A POLAR BEAR JUST START

EATING HER?

OKAY.

A RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD MIGHT

SEEM LIKE A WEIRD PLACE FOR A

POLAR BEAR, BUT THANKS TO

COCA-COLA, THEY NOW HAVE A TASTE

FOR SODA.

YEA.

IN THE U.S., IT'S THE BLACK

BEARS WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR

MOST OF THE INNER-CITY CRIME.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST LET HIM EAT YOU.

LIFE THERE IS NOT GONNA GET ANY

BETTER, I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS NEXT PART IS TOUGH TO

WATCH.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE A BOTTLE COME

FLYING IN.

YOU MISSED HER, YOU ASSHOLE.

YOU HIT THE BEAR.

THOSE THINGS ARE AN ENDANGERED

SPECIES.

THERE'S TONS OF PEOPLE.

LUCKY FOR HER, EVERY RUSSIAN HAS

A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR ON THEM AT

ALL TIMES.

HE'S LIKE, "I'LL HELP YOU.

JUST LET ME POLISH THIS ONE

OFF."

ALL RIGHT.

SPEED IT THE [BLEEP] UP, LADY.

IF GETTING MANGLED BY A BEAR

DOESN'T PUT A PEP IN YOUR STEP,

NOTHING WILL.

AND WE'RE BACK TO WHERE WE

STARTED.

GIRLS, NEVER PULL DOWN YOUR

PANTS AROUND A POLAR BEAR.

THEY WILL ATTACK ANYTHING THAT

SMELLS LIKE A DYING SEAL.

BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE

REAL MONSTER HERE IS CLIMATE

CHANGE, AND FOR THAT WE THANK

YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

SURFER'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT

FIRST

HERE'S HOW YOUR HAND WORKS

>> YEAH.

>> BUT THE PARK IS STILL FLOODED

SO YOU'LL STILL SEE KIDS OUT

THERE.

>> YOU GET THE BEST BARRELS.

YOU PULL IN AND YOU GET SPIT

RIGHT OUT OF THEM.

YOU JUST DROP IN, AND SMACK,

PULL BACK.

JOG DOWN.

AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU JUST

DROP IN.

RIDE THE BARREL, AND GET IT

PITTED LIKE THAT.

STILL SOUNDS MORE INTELLIGENT

THAN ANYONE FROM THE SOUTH.

MICAH'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHY

I DON'T DO JOKES ABOUT SURFING.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I AM A SURFER,

IT'S BECAUSE SURFERS ARE TOO

DUMB TO GET THE JOKES.

THAT'S WHY THERE WILL NEVER EVER

BE AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF

SURFING IN A MOVIE -- BECAUSE A

SURFER WOULD HAVE TO WRITE A

MOVIE.

AND THERE'S NO MONEY IN SURFING,

DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY WHORE

THEMSELVES OUT.

I HAVE NO SPONSORS AND I MAKE

MORE THAN THE BEST PRO SURFERS

DO IN A YEAR BEFORE OUR FIRST

COMMERCIAL.

MY POINT IS, SPEND A LITTLE LESS

TIME TRYING TO PREDICT THE NEXT

TROPICAL DEPRESSION, AND A

LITTLE MORE TIME ON YOUR [BLEEP]

JOKES.

AND DON'T SURF WITH GIRLS

NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE TERRIBLE AT

IT, BUT BECAUSE SHARKS CAN SMELL

A DROP OF BLOOD FROM A QUARTER

MILE AWAY.

AND A WOMAN'S VAGINA BLEEDS

THREE MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR.

THEY'RE FLOATING CHUM FACTORIES.

THERE'S A REASON THAT

SOUL SURFER ONLY HAS ONE ARM

AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S BECAUSE

SHE FORGOT TO STUFF HER POON

PROPERLY.

KELLY SLATER IS THE MOST FAMOUS

SURFER IN THE WORLD AND I BET

HALF YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE HE'S

A MAN.

IT'S HARD TO LOOK UP TO YOUR

HERO WHEN HE'S ONLY 5'6".

I'M SURE AS [BLEEP] NOT GOING TO

WASTE TIME MAKING JOKES ABOUT

OTHER SURFERS.

THOSE GUYS ON

WORKAHOLICS ARE MORE

RECOGNIZABLE.

MORGAN MURPHY IS LOOKING A LOT

BETTER.

A SPORT WITHOUT BLACK PEOPLE IS

A SPORT NO ONE ENJOYS WATCHING.

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE DWIGHT

HOWARD IN A TWENTY-FOOT DEATH

BOWL AT TEAHUPOO?

UNFORTUNATELY, THE BEST ATHLETES

AREN'T REALLY BEACH PEOPLE.

HAWAIIANS ARE THE BLACKS OF

SURFING.

THEY'RE DARK, ATHLETIC, AND WAY

BETTER THAN THE WHITES.

THEY'RE CERTAINLY THE MOST

PASSIONATE SURFERS.

AND IF IT WASN'T FOR BRAZILIANS,

THEY'D BE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLES.

THE ONLY THINGS SURFERS HAVE IN

COMMON WITH THE REST OF AMERICA

IS THEY'RE UNEMPLOYED AND LOVE

CRYSTAL METH.

MICAH'S PROBLEM WAS HE GOT TOO

STOKED.

SO I FLEW HIM HERE -- WHOOSH --

HIS PLANE LANDED -- BLADAH --

AND THEN HE GOT ALL SCOOO IN

THIS WEEK'S WEB RAPASH-DEMPTION!

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> DO YOU SEE --?

>> HAVE YOU SEEN BODHI.

>> WHO?

>> I JUST BROKE MY STICK.

>> HOW LONG YOU BEEN SURFING.

FOR LIKE 14 YEARS.

>> WHY WERE YOU BEING

INTERVIEWED THAT DAY.

>> I HAD BROKEN A SURF BOARD AND

I WAS SURFING AT THE WEDGE.

>> IT'S PERFECT TO MAKE FUN OF.

>> AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU JUST

DROP IN AND RIDE THE BARREL, AND

GET PITTED.

>> DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOU FROM

THAT VIDEO.

I WAS SURFING IN THE NEWPORT,

AND COUPLE OF KIDS RECOGNIZED

ME.

>> HOW MUCH FISH TACOS DO YOU

EAT IN A WEEK.

>> DO YOU LIKE SURFERS.

>> YEAH I DOOCHLT

>> DO YOU THINK THEY GET A BUM

REP.

>> TOTALLY.

>> ON OCCASION.

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ONE.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR A FEW.

>> LIKE BAAAH!

>> YOU HAVE TO START WITH B,

LIKE BAAAH!

KIND OF LIKE THAT MAYBE.

>> DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE LIKE

THAT.

>> I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CUN SIR

SATING WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOO

BIG OF AN EG

>> WHAT IS BETTER, PLAYING

SURFERS OR BLACK PEOPLE?

>> OH MAN.

IT'S LIKE LITERALLY IT'S THE

SAME, DUDE.

>> IT'S THE SAME.

>> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CALLED A

KO

KOOK?

>> PLENTY OF TIMES.

ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.

EVEN LIKE IT'S TOUGH TO SAY THIS

ONE LIKE EVEN SEX.

AND I'VE NOT GOT OUT OF THE

OCEAN, AND HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE

>> I DID ONE TIME.

GO FIGURE.

>> DO YOU THINK YOUR WORLD WOULD

BE BETTER IF YOU WERE A BETTER

PUBLIC SPEAKER.

FOR SURE.

WHO CAN GET IN FRONT OF A

AUDIENCE, AND -- WELL I'M

WILLING TO HELP YOU IF YOU'RE

OPEN TO MY PROCESS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

>> OKAY.

I'M NOT A LICENSED SPEECH

THERAPIST.

BUT I DID STAY AT A HOLIDAY INN

EXPRESS LAST NIGHT, AND THEY HAD

THE KING'S SPEECH ON DEMAND.

LET'S BEGIN.

MOMMY MADE ME MASH MY M & M'S.

>> NOW WHILE I HOLD YOUR TONGUE.

>> AHHH!

AHHHH!

>> WHAT ARE WE DOING.

>> SHUT UP, MICAH.

>> IS THIS GOING TO HELP MY

SPEAKING.

>> YOU'RE SPEAKING FINE.

THIS IS FOR ME.

>> DON'T BITE IT.

>> DON'T BITE IT.

>> SON OF A BITCH.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP].

>> AS MICAH ADDRESSES THE GLOBAL

COMMUNITY.

>> THE LAST TIME YOU SPOKE TO

THE PRESS IT WAS A DISASTER.

>> JUMP IN, AND BAAH!

>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> YES.

>> TRY TO THINK ALL OF THE

SURFERS LISTENING.

YOU JUST -- JUST SAY TO IT ME AS

A FRIEND.

>> TEN SECONDS.ONDS.

>> ON THIS DAY MORE THAN ANY

OTHER DAY IT'S JUST LIKE DUDE,

YOU GET THE BEST BARRELS EVER.

DUDE.

LIKE YOU PULL IN AND YOU

SUBSEQUENTLY GET FIT FOR, AND

JUST DROP IN AND SMACK THE LIP.

OR PASS.

YOU DROP DOWN.

>> AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU JUST

DROP IN AND RIDE THE BARREL.

>> AND GOD WILLING, GET PITTED.

SO PITTED.

>> LIKE THAT.

>> INDEED.

IT'S NOT ALL [BLEEP] AND PUKE

AROUND HERE.

SOME OF US SAW THE TRAILER TO

THE KING'S SPEECH.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

IT'S OUR PIE SMASH, NUT TAP,

BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK.

>> YOU WEAR THE FRESHEST

CLOTHES.

>> I JUST TEXTED YOU.

>> WAIT A SECOND.

>> PIE SMASH.

>> I WANT TO TAKE THIS TIME TO

ANNOUNCE YOU WERE ON IN ITALY,

IN 2011 WHERE I WAS GENA VOIDED

THE MASSIVE BREASTS IN THE

WORLD.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT B.B.B.W IS NORMA STITZ, AND

AFTER SEEING THOSE RECORD

SETTING BOOBS, I HAD TO INVITE

HER HERE TO BE A PART OF THE

ULTIMATE MOTOR BOAT.

I FOUND $8 WORTH OF LOOSE CHANGE

BURIED IN THOSE BLACK BUOYS.

SPEAKING OF BREASTS, HOW ABOUT

SOME FAMOUS WHITE ONES?

I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL BEEN

ENJOYING SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S

CONTROVERSIAL LEAKED NUDES THAT

ARE ALL OVER THE INTERNET NOW.

SHE GOT HER CELL PHONE HACKED,

WHICH IS A COMMON PROBLEM AMONG

SEXY A-LISTERS SUCH AS SCAR JO

AND MYSELF.

BUT I'VE DEVELOPED A SOLUTION.

IT'S A NEW APP CALLED THE

[BLEEP.] BLOCKER'

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

THIS IS THE STANDARD PICTURE OF

MY [BLEEP] THAT I SEND TO ALL

THE LADIES.

NOW IF MY PHONE GOT HACKED, IT'D

BE VERY EMBARRASSING.

BUT THANKS TO 'THE [BLEEP]

BLOCKER,' AS SOON AS MY PHONE IS

TAMPERED WITH, IT AUTOMATICALLY

REPLACES MY PENIS WITH A MUCH

LARGER, MORE HANDSOME PENIS.

NOW, I WON'T BE ASHAMED WHEN

THEY SHOW IT ON TMZ.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I STILL

HAVEN'T WORKED OUT ALL THE KINKS

YET.

UNFORTUNATELY 'THE [BLEEP]

BLOCKER' ADDS A GIANT PENIS TO

EVERY PHOTO.

THIS APP WILL BE AVAILABLE ON

OUR BLOG SHORTLY.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, DON'T

FORGET TO UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A

CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM WAVERLY FILMS.

AH.

[CRYING]

THE REASON WE SHOW YOUR CRAPPY

VIDEOS IS TO PROVE HOW AWESOME

WE ARE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

AMERICAN BODY SHOP.

BUCK-CAW!

WELCOME BACK.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE I'M TOUCHING

MYSELF INAPPROPRIATELY, I'M JUST

POKING HERNIAS BACK INTO MY

GUTS.

NEXT WEEK, THE REDNECK STUNT MAN

GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM HE

SURVIVED AND STILL HAS TO LIVE

IN HIS MOM'S TRAILER.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN

LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

WHILE YOU'RE THERE, CHECK OUT

THE TOSH.0 'OUT OF CONTEXT

PHRASE MACHINE,' WHERE YOU CAN

TAKE THE HORRIBLE THINGS I'VE

SAID AND ARRANGE THEM IN ANY

WAY.

MAKING ME SOUND EVEN MORE

HORRIBLER.

BEFORE WE GO, LAST WEEK AT ASU I

DID PRETTY WELL WHEN IT CAME TO

GETTING THE DIGITS, FROM THE

LADIES, AND THE FELLAS.

>> I'M KELLY.

>> HI KELLY.

THIS IS OUR NUMBER.

>> OKAY.

HERE IS THE NUMBER FOR SOMEBODY

WHO'S DOWN FOR A SAN FRANCISCO

BIRD FEEDER.

>> TAKE THIS.

>> I'LL TAKE IT.

>> I'M STILL A VIRGIN SO HERE'S

MY NUMBER.

AFTER I GOT HOME, I WAS FEELING

A LITTLE LONELY SO I MADE A FEW

DOZEN REGRETTABLE LATE NIGHT

PHONE CALLS.

>> HELLO.

>> WHAT'S UP.

IT'S DANIEL.

>> DANIEL TOSH.

>> YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER

LAST WEEK.

WHAT WERE YOUR INTENTIONS.

>> ANYTHING REALLY.

>> ANYTHING?

>> HELLO.

>> HEY IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO

[BLEEP].

YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND

YOU DIDN'T PUT A NAME ON IT.

IS THIS KATIE?

>> NO THIS IS NOT.

>> IS THIS TIMOTHY.

>> NO.

>> I CALLED THE WRONG ONE.

THIS IS DANIEL.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY CHANCE

WE COULD HAVE A REAL

RELATIONSHIP?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

YOU WERE KIND OF MEAN TO ME WHEN

WE MET.

>> SEE.

THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO TALK TO

KATIE.

>> YOU TOLD ME THIS RAGE CASTLE

SUCKS.

WHY WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR PHONE

NUMBER IF YOU'VE SEEN THE SHOW.

BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW YOU

BETTER SO I COULD SEE THE SHOW.

>> DO YOU DO THAT WITH EVERY TV

SHOW.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW.

>> WHAT DOES A REALLY FUN TIME

WITH ALIZA, AND CALEB, AND

ALLEY.

>> WHATEVER.

LIKE PIZZA I GUESS.

>> HEY.

I'M HOPING THIS IS THE VIRGIN.

YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT ON YOUR

PIECE OF PAPER.

BUT REALLY WANT TO TAKE YOU UP

ON THE OFFER.

SORRY I CALLED SO MUCH.

IF YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER

AND I HAVEN'T CALLED IT'S

BECAUSE WE HAD SEX WHILE I

WAS THERE AND I'VE MOVED ON.

GOODNIGHT.

>> OH, OH, OH, OH.