Original subtitles

Announcer: TOSH.O FEATURES

VIDEOS FROM THE INTERNET AND IS

FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

>> THREE, TWO, ONE.

>> I'M FINE.

>> I'M OKAY.

I'M OKAY.

I'M OKAY!

I'M OKAY.

>> I'M OKAY.

>> YOU ARE NOT.

>> ANDREW.

(LOTS OF NOISE )

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

*

>> WELCOME TO TOSH.O FROM

ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> SAVOR THIS MOMENT BECAUSE WE

ARE NEVER DOING ANYTHING LIKE

THIS AGAIN.

IN HONOR OF THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR,

AS YOU CAN SEE THE WARDROBE WILL

BE COLLEGIATE APPAREL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> ONLY NINE EPISODES LEFT THIS

SEASON HOPE YOUR SCHOOL MAKES

THE CUT.

IF IT DOESN'T, YOU SHOULD

TRANSFER.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW THE WORLD

ILLEST RAPPER GETS WEB

REDEMPTION.

I CRAM FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE

INTO ONE DAY.

AND I ARRANGE A GOOD OLD TWEET &

GREET.

NOW BACK TO THE ONLY GUITAR SOLO

I HAVE EVER ENJOYED.

>> I'M OKAY.

>> I'M OKAY.

>> I DON'T THINK HE'S OKAY.

NOT AS MESSY AS KURT COBAIN DID

IT.

YOU FAMILIAR WITH HIM?

YOUR PARENTS [BEEP] TO HIS

MUSIC.

WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU FEED YOUR BABY MEXICAN

GERBER.

>> A SQUIRTER.

YOU FIND A SQUIRTER IN COLLEGE

YOU MARRY HER, FELLAS.

ALRIGHT SLAP SOME BANANA BOAT ON

THAT RED BABY.

I THINK SHE HAS SUN POISONING.

SPEAKING OF SUN BURN.

WHAT I DID HERE YESTERDAY ON

CAMPUS MAYBE OR MAY NOT BE A

HATE CRIME DEPENDING ON HOW YOU

FEEL ABOUT RED HEADS.

>> BURN GINGER BURN.

BURN GINGERS BURN.

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT SANTA

SUMMERS IN PHOENIX?

>> HE SEEMS TO BE CHECKING THAT

THING MORE THAN TWICE.

[LAUGHING]

>> LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

IF YOU PAN OVER YOU CAN SEE THE

EASTER BUNNY GIVING THE TOOTH

FAIRY A [BEEP] JOB.

SO WE DON'T GET SUED THAT'S NOT

THE REAL SANTA.

IT'S TIM ALLEN.

I HATE WHEN I'M AT THE BEACH AND

THERE IS NO PLACE TO SIT.

[LAUGHING]

>> STOP.

THERE OKAY, OKAY.

HE'S PROBABLY ASKING SANTA FOR A

BIGGER [BEEP].

THAT'S WHY SO MANY KIDS CRY WHEN

THEY SIT ON SANTA LEASE LAP.

YA, HE HAS A HUGE BONER.

IT'S TIME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO

YOUR NEW MASCOT ASU.

THAT'S A HUMAN TAIL.

FOR ME PERSONALLY THAT'S A DEAL

BREAKER.

AH, HE JUST WANTS A TREAT.

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE FINGERED

DURING A PIGGYBACK RIDE.

ALRIGHT MOAN ALL YOU WANT THAT

LOOKS WAY WORST IN PERSON.

YOU MOVING ON PURPOSE OR IS IT

TWITCHING?

>> I CAN MOVE IT.

[LAUGHING]

>> HOLY COW.

[LAUGHING]

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

>> AHHH!

[BEEP]

>> THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR.

[LAUGHING]

>> GAY STUFF.

I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHY IT TAKES

GIRLS SO LONG TO GET READY.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT'S EITHER HOW YOU GET A

TAMPON TO STAY IN OR THE SECRET

HANDSHAKE AT DELTA GAMMA.

[LAUGHING]

>> WHAT IS NEXT?

>> DO IT.

>> HE DID IT.

[BEEP]

>> HE DID IT

>> ALRIGHT.

>> YOU'RE NOT DRINKING OUT OF A

BONG YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

LET'S RELAX OUR THROATS AND LET

GRAVITY DO THE WORK IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I

APPRECIATE A FINISHED GARAGE.

THAT IS A HIGH QUALITY FUNNEL.

ANYTIME YOU HAVE TO GO TO LOWS

BEFORE YOU START DRINKING IT'S

GOING TO BE AN AWESOME NIGHT.

LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC STATUE OF

LIBERTY HE RAISES HIS ARM HIGH.

LOOK AT THE SWEET LEATHER CUFF.

YOU'RE NOT IN KINGS OF LEON YOU

DUMPY SON OF A BITCH.

NOT SO FAST.

YOU CAN'T SAY HE DID IT UNTIL

THE SWALLOW IS COMPLETE.

THE SAME RULE APPLIES IN MY

HOTEL ROOM.

OH, NO, HE LET OUT A PREJACK

THERE.

THIS IS TROUBLE.

>> OH!

>> DID HE JUST VOMIT ON THE

OFFICIAL REGULATION WORLD SERIES

OF BEER PONG TABLE?

WELL AT LEAST IT WASN'T AN AIR

HOCKEY TABLE.

SWITCH IT ON IT'S THE BELLAGIO

OF PUKE.

START UP THE CAR AND GET THE

CARBON MONOXIDE FLOWING SO I CAN

GET A REAL BUZZ.

I THINK THIS GUY NEEDS TO WATCH

HOW IT'S DONE FROM PEOPLE WITH

STRONGER STOMACHS.

[LAUGHING]

>> HIS OWN THROW UP.

OH YA!

>> OH --

>> WE'RE JUST GLAD P BEER BONGS

LEAD TO PUKING AND FOUR OUT OF

FIVE ALCOHOL RELATED DEATH.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELI'S

WEB REDEMPTION.

FIRST HERE IS ME MAKING HOT

GIRLS EAT HOT THINGS IN THIS

MISERABLE SKIN CANCER OVEN YOU

CALL A CAMPUS.

>> ARE YOU READY FOR A BALL OF

WASABI.

(COUGHING )

>> SO PRETTY.

>> THAT'S HOT.

>> DON'T BLOW ON IT.

>> IT'S HOT.

>> YA, IT'S A BIT.

>> HOT.

>> REALLY BIG.

>> I GOT ONE QUESTION, MAN.

TELL ME WHO IS NEXT.

[BEEP], [BEEP], [BEEP].

I'M GOING TO LET YOU KNOW WHO

THE BEST BY THE HOUR.

JUST LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL AT A

BIBLE TOWER.

SEE I'M THE BEST, MANG.

I DID IT.

>> I NEVER REALIZED BLINKING WAS

SO IMPORTANT IN THE RAP GAME.

THAT UP AND COMING ARTIST WAS

ELI PORTER.

HE PROVED THAT BEING BLACK

DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU A

GREAT RAPPER BUT ROLLING YOUR

EYES IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD IS

AS HAMAS IT GETS [BEEP].

IF YOU WANT TO RISE TO THE TOP

YOU NEED TO BE SPECIAL.

YOU CAN'T WALK ON STAGE AND BE A

SUPER STAR.

I'M THE EXCEPTION.

DON'T BLAME YOUR FAME ON HATERS.

IF EVERYONE THINKS YOU SUCK,

THEY'RE NOT HATERS.

THEY'RE RIGHT.

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS YOU WILL

BE MUCH HAPPIER.

GO TO A STATE SCHOOL IN THE

DESSERT WITH A MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL

PROGRAM AND ROOT FOR A 500

SEASON.

[BOOING]

>> YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

I WAS TALK ABOUT THE WILDCATS.

EVERY RAPPER NEEDS A MENTOR.

DIDDY HAD DRE AND NOW ELI HAS

TOSH.

-- ONE MIC, ONE BEAT, ONE

STAYING IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> THANKS FOR MEETING UP HERE,

ELI.

SEE THE PEOPLE.

>> WHAT PEOPLE?

>> FIGURATIVELY.

>> OH.

>> THEY'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS A

NEW KING OF HIP HOT HERE AT ASU.

HIS NAME IS ELI PORTER.

>> THAT WOULD BE ME, YES IT IS.

>> WHERE YOU FROM.

>> ATLANTA.

>> ATL.

YOU THE FIRST WHITE PERSON YOU

HAVE SEEN.

>> NO.

>> DID YOU WIN THE RAP BATTLE.

>> I THINK I DID.

>> WHAT WAS THAT FILM FOR.

>> A HIGH SCHOOL THING WE DID

FOR FUN.

I WAS VERY UPSET.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHO PUT IT OUT

THERE.

I THOUGHT THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME

LOOK STUPID.

WHEN I SAW HOW GOOD IT DID I

SAID WHAT THE HECK I MIGHT AS

WELL TAKE IT AND RUN WITH IT.

>> WHAT DID PEOPLE SAY ABOUT THE

VIDEO WHEN IT CAME OUT?

>> A LOT OF THEM THOUGHT I WAS

RETARDED.

THEY SAID I FROZE UP.

>> DID YOU FREEZE UP.

>> NO, THEY STOPPED THE BEAT.

>> DO YOU HAVE A BEEF WITH ROSIE

O'DONNELL.

THAT BITCH WILL CUT YOU.

>> NO I DON'T HAVE A BEEF WITH

ROSIE OWE STKOPB HE WILL.

>> HAVE YOU BEEN TO A BISEXUAL

BRIDAL SHOWER?

>> NO.

>> YOU HAVE HEARD OF ONE?

>> NO MADE THAT UP OFF THE TOP

OF MY HEAD.

>> HOW ARE THE BITCHES TREATING

YOU.

>> SINCE I HAVE BEEN HERE I HAVE

SEEN A COUPLE NICE FEMALES.

>> ARIZONA IS ALRIGHT.

>> YES IT IS, YES IT IS.

>> YOU HAVE AN ALBUM COMING OUT.

>> TO BE RELEASED IN OCTOBER.

IT'S CALLED INTELLIGENTLY

RETARDED.

I'M SO SMART IT'S STUPID.

>> TELL ME YOUR VISION FOR YOUR

RAP CAREER.

>> MONEY TO THE POINT I CAN GET

MY DAD A HOUSE.

>> OKAY.

>> SET UP A FOUNDATION FOR

PEOPLE WHO GOT CANCER, AND HAVE

ME A HOUSE WITH A BUNCH OF --

FEMALES.

>> ALRIGHT, ELI.

IT'S TIME TO SILENCE THE HATERS.

YOU'RE GOING TO PERFORM TONIGHT

HERE IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF

PEOPLE.

>> OH, MAN.

THE MORE THE MERRIER.

LET'S GET IT.

>> FIRST THING WE NODE TO DO IS

GET YOU A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES.

>> OH, MAN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME.

>> THOSE GLASSES LOOK GOOD.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS

PART.

>> [BEEP]

>> NO BETTER WAY TO GETTING

STREET CRED THAN GETTING SHOT.

YOU GO TO THE STUDENT HEALTH

CENTER AND I WILL HANDLE

EVERYTHING ELSE.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIMING

EVER A LIVE REDEMPTION.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU

READY TO HELP GIVE ELI ANOTHER

SHOT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THEN PLEASE WELCOME ELI

PORTER.

WITH HIM THE LOVELY AND TALENTED

GRAMMY SINGER/SONG WRITER SKYLAR

GREY.

*

*

* HE'S THE BEST MAN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

*USE

* HE DID IT

* DID IT

*

*

*

>> D.J. MAKE THESE WHITE PEOPLE

GET UP AND DANCE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> YA ...

*

>> ALRIGHT

* I GOT ONE QUESTION, MAN

*

* HE'S THE BEST MAN

* YA

* WHO THE BEST BY THE HOUR

* YOUR BRIDAL SHOWER

* I'M THE BEST MAN I DID IT

* HE'S THE BEST MAN HE DID IT,

DID IT

*

* I WONDER WHY HE CAME AT THE

END AND GAVE HER IT

* I'M THE BEST MAN I DID IT

* I DID IT

* HE'S THE BEST MAN HE DID IT

* HE'S THE BEST MAN HE DID IT

* HE'S THE BEST

* MAN HE DID IT

* HE'S THE BEST MAN, MAN HE DID

IT

*

* YOU ARE THE BEST MAN

* HE THE BEST MAN

* THE BEST MAN

* DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A REASON

* HE JUST DID IT

* WHY YOU THE BEST MAN

* THE BEST MAN

* HE DIDN'T HAVE A REASON

* HE JUST DID IT

* HE JUST DID IT

* HE JUST DID IT

* I DID IT

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> GIVE IT UP FOR ELI PORTER.

AND SKYLAR GREY.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST BRING THINGS TO A

SCREECHING HALT WITH TODD'S

AWFUL PRANK SHOW SPECIAL COLLEGE

EDITION.

>> I LOVE TODD GLASS.

>> I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE.

SKPWHRO HEY, HOW YOU DOING.

>> I THINK I HAVE HERPES.

>> YOU HAVE ORAL HERPES.

>> NO,.

>> GENITAL HERPESES.

WHY?

>> UH ...

>> ITCHING AND IRRITATION.

I WOULD NORMALLY TAKE YOU INTO

THE ROOM FOR AN EXAM.

THE REASON I CAN NOT DO THAT IS

BECAUSE I'M NOT A DOCTOR, YOU

IDIOT.

YOU'RE ON MY AWFUL PRANK SHOW.

MY GOD, YOU THINK I THROW ON A

WHITE LAB COAT I'M A DOCTOR.

I BARELY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.

I PUT ON A JACKET.

YOU STARP YAPPING ABOUT YOUR

DISEASE INFECTED VAGINA.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL THE

WHOLE CAMPUS.

HEY, EVERYBODY I'M A WHORE.

I'M GETTING [BEEP] BY EVERYBODY.

GET THE [BEEP] OUT OF HERE.

YOU THINK I HAVE OINTMENT FOR

YOU?

I HAVE OINTMENT.

PUT GLUE [BEEP] AND STOP [BEEP]

EVERY FRATERNITY JOCK IN THE

*

>> EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TOSH.O

WILL PLAY ANY VIDEO AS LONG AS

IT'S AN OFFICIALLY SANKED WORLD

RECORD.

THAT BLIMP WENT OVER SEVEN

PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME FOR NANA BOO

BOO STICK YOUR HEAD IN DO DO AT

ASU.

U.YO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> NANA BOO BOO STICK YOUR HEAD

IN DOO DOO.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT JUMPING

OVER CHEER LEADERS ARE THEY'RE

NICE AND FLAT.

I ENJOYED MY TIME HERE AT ASU.

THE MEMORIES I HAVE MADE IN THE

LAST 42 HOURS WILL STAY WITH ME

FOR AT LEAST A WEEK.

*

>> CAN I HELP YOU?

>> I AM YOUR NUDE MODEL.

>> THIS IS ECONOMICS.

>> ENJOY YOUR STIMULUS PACKAGE.

>> IT IS A MEASURE TO BE HANGING

OUT WITH THE MEXICAN FRAT TODAY.

>> OOH.

>> SUPPOSE TO BE HERE WITH MY

PEOPLE.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

>> WE'RE HAVING ITALIAN.

>> [BEEP]

(YELLING )

*

>> YO, CHECKING ALL DORM ROOMS

FOR SEMON.

SORRY, GUYS, HAVE TO DO THIS.

GOOD.

LOOKS PRETTY CLEAN IN HERE.

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

[LAUGHING]

>> OKAY.

OH ...

>> .24.

>> YA!

>> ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.

*

*

>> AHHH!

>> CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE THE

ONE HUNDRED CALLER ON THIS

PHONE.

IF YOU CAN GIVE ME THE PHRASE

THAT PAYS YOU AND YOUR ATTACKER

WILL BE OFF TO BEAUTIFUL A RUBE

AFPLT.

>> I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A

RAPIST.

>> SORRY WE WERE LOOKING FOR,

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

*

>> LOOKS LIKE I GRADUATED SUMMA

CUM LOADY.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

*

WELCOME BACK.

NEXT WEEK THIS SURFER CATCHES A

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> DROP DOWN.

>> BELIEVE IT OR NOT 33 ON HIS

ACT.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT COMEDY

CENTRAL.COM.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE

CHAT ON THE SHOWS.

I HAVE THE MEANEST FOLLOWERS IN

THE WORLD BUT I WANTED TO SEE IF

YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO INSULT ME

TO MY FACE.

THAT'S WHY I ARRANGED A TWEET &

GREET.

>> I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.

NEVER MET A D LIST CELEBRITY

BEFORE.

>> I WILL TAKE IT.

>> I'M NEVER NERVOUS.

>> YOUR TIME IS UP.

>> NO, WAIT.

>> -- A FEW.

[LAUGHING]

>> OKAY.

>> IN.

>> WHY NOT?

>> BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET

ANYTHING.

>> YOU CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY

IT'S COVER.

YOU LOOK DIRTY.

>> I HAVE NEVER WATCHED A SINGLE

EPISODE ON THE SHOW.

>> YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST GUY I

KNOW.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONLY BLACK GUY I KNOW

THAT GOES TO ASU.

[BEEP]

>> YOU DON'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON?

>> NO.

[BEEP]

>> AHH!

>> IT'S NOT SUNNY OUT.

>> YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD

UNDERSTAND THE DANGERS OF

GETTING SUN ON A CLOUDY DAY.

>> I CAN PUT MY FIST IN MY

MOUTH.

-RPBLGTS CAN I SEE IT?

>> YA.

>> CAN I GIVE YOU A --

>> NO.

>> CHEEK KISS.

>> NO.

>> I'M GOING TO DO IT.

>> I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW I'M

STILL A VIRGIN.

SO, HERE IS MY NUMBER.

>> I APPRECIATE THAT.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYONE'S

FIRST.

THANK YOU.

>> WHAT'S UP BUDDY.

>> HIT ME UP A DAY LATER.

[LAUGHING]

>> ALRIGHT.

>> PRETEND YOU HAVE SOMETHING

FUNNY TO SAY.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY.

[LAUGHING]

>> WILL YOU HAVE SEX WITH MY

GIRLFRIEND.

>> WHAT SHE LOOK LIKE?

>> GREMLIN.

>> NO.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME.

>> YA!

>> LOOK AT THIS GUY.

MAN, YOU'RE WHAT HITLER HAD IN

MIND.

>> I AM?

THANKS.

>> THANKS FOR COMING, GUYS.

(YELLING )

>> ALL RIGHT.

SUN DEVILS I'M TAKING MY GREEN

SCREEN BACK TO HOLLYWOOD.

YOU CAN SCRAPE OFF SOME OF YOUR

MAKEUP NOW.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

*

>> IF YOU USE THIS NEXT TIME YOU

GET A BLOW JOB IT WILL FEEL

AMAZING.

>> WHAT IF YOU GIVE ONE.

>> NOW OR LATER?

>> NOW.

>> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW I

BANGED YOUR GRANDMA?