Original subtitles

[indistinct shouting]

[upbeat music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- HA HA!

JOKE'S ON YOU.

HE WAS BORN IN A BRIAR PATCH.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

THIS IS THE LAST SHOW OF THE SUMMER.

HOPE YOU'VE BEEN HOARDING EPISODES ON YOUR DVR.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW,

I TRY TO CATCH A LEPRECHAUN IN ALABAMA,

WE GET OUR HANDS VERY DIRTY,

AND I ANNOUNCE WHERE WE'LL BE GOING

FOR OUR CAMPUS INVASION.

NOW, LET'S SEE THAT JUMP AGAIN.

YOU REALLY SHOULD BE FINE,

JUST AS LONG AS YOU DON'T LAND

ON THAT ONE, DANGEROUSLY SPIKED PIECE OF--

NEVER MIND.

I WISH THAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE

WHO WORE JEANS ON THE BEACH.

LOW TIDE CAME IN FASTER THAN EXPECTED.

DO YOU THINK BEFORE HE JUMPED,

HE LOOKED AT HIS FRIENDS AND GOES,

"WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?"

IT HURTS TO GET WOOD STUCK UP YOUR BUTT,

EVEN WHEN IT'S CONSENSUAL.

SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS NEXT LADY

IS USED TO SHOVING DIRTY WIENERS IN HER MOUTH.

LOOKS LIKE THE BLIND MELON BUMBLEBEE GIRL

IS DOING PRETTY WELL FOR HERSELF.

[chuckles]

A LITTLE PRE-DOG NAP.

ALL RIGHT.

NO ONE SAW IT,

EXCEPT FOR THE GUY WITH THE CAMERA.

HEY, AT LEAST IT'S CLEANER

THAN THE TRASH CAN SHE DUG IT OUT OF.

HEY, WHEN YOU'RE ON HEROIN,

FLOOR GRIME IS JUST NATURE'S KETCHUP.

EVEN THE HOMELESS RESPECT THE FIVE-SECOND RULE.

BUT IT DOESN'T JUST APPLY TO FOOD IN MY WORLD.

- I'M SORRY YOU'RE UPSET.

I MADE A MISTAKE, AND YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.

LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

I'LL TAKE YOU TO BRUNCH ON SUNDAY.

- OKAY, YOU CAN ONLY TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND

LIKE A PUSSY FOR FIVE SECONDS.

[all laughing]

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

THAT'S FIVE SECONDS. ARE YOU OKAY?

1 MISSISSIPPI,

2 MISSISSIPPI, 3 MISSISSIPPI,

4 MISSISSIPPI,

5 MISSISSIPPI.

1 MISSISSIPPI,

2 MISSISSIPPI...

OH, IF THERE ARE ANY FIVE-SECOND RULES I MISSED,

FEEL FREE TO SEND THEM IN.

NOW, IT'S TIME TO GO ASS TO ASS.

audience: ASS TO ASS! ASS TO ASS!

- ONE!

WAIT!

[men shouting indistinctly]

- ALL RIGHT. 3, 2, 1...

GO!

[men shouting and laughing]

FIRE IN THE B-HOLE.

[men continue shouting and laughing]

OH.

THAT IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST-SMELLING CANDLE EVER.

OR THE BEST...

DEPENDING ON YOUR PREFERENCE.

SORRY WE DIDN'T WRITE MORE JOKES FOR THAT.

I JUST BOUGHT A FLEET OF REMOTE-CONTROLLED HELICOPTERS,

AND THAT DOES NOT MAKE FOR A GOOD WORK ENVIRONMENT.

[high-pitched whirring]

SORRY.

- [chuckles] JEEZ. - SORRY ABOUT THAT.

OH, LOOK OUT.

- OH. - OH!

- OH, LOOK OUT.

OH, LOOK OUT.

[dramatic orchestral music]

FOCUS ON THE VIDEOS, NOT THE HELICOPTER.

HEY, PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, YOU PUSSY.

- AAH! - OH.

- OH, HO HO!

OH, LOST "A" AND "Z."

- WHEN DO YOU USE "A" AND "Z"?

- RARELY. - RARELY.

TURNS OUT THOSE THINGS

ARE PRETTY DIFFICULT TO FLY.

ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE MALL KIOSK RETURN POLICY IS?

DO YOU?

I HOPE THEY'RE LENIENT.

THIS NEXT CHIROPRACTOR IS A LITTLE STRANGE.

OH, SHE IS GOING TO HURT HER BABY DOING THAT.

[chuckles] MIKE & MOLLY LOOKS LIKE

IT'S GETTING A LOT BETTER THIS SEASON.

ALL RIGHT, I THINK YOUR PANTIES

MIGHT BE OVER CAPACITY.

- OOH! DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING OVER YOUR BREATHING, HOSS.

- OH!

- THIS NEXT GUY SAW THE MOVIE SPEED

AND HAS BEEN TAKING EXTREME PRECAUTIONS EVER SINCE.

IS IT EVER NOT SNOWING IN RUSSIA?

UGH, IF YOU EVER SEE ME TAKING A BUS,

PLEASE SHOOT ME.

SOMEONE JUST SAVED 35 CENTS.

[chuckles] I LIKE THAT THEY MADE HIM

GET IN THE BACK OF THE BUS.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A GUN,

GET IN THE BACK OF THE BUS.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND WITH A MACHINE GUN,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL STEAL SOMETHING A LITTLE SPORTIER--

MAYBE A NEW ACURA INTEGRA.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[hip-hop music playing]

*

- IF "E" FROM ENTOURAGE

DOESN'T FIND SOME CLUB SODA A.S.A.P.,

THAT SHIRT IS GOING TO BE RUINED.

NOW, LET'S TOUCH PENISES AND COME OUT DANCING

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

OH. PEOPLE LOVE FORMING CIRCLES.

ESPECIALLY AROUND A DANCE-OFF.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BECAUSE

HE'S EXTREMELY GOOD-LOOKING

OR BECAUSE HE'S HUMPING A BOY,

BUT THAT GUY IN GREEN REMINDS ME OF ROBERT PATTINSON.

EVEN DAVID WASN'T STUPID ENOUGH

TO TAKE ON TWO GOLIATHS.

AND HE HAD GOD AND HIS TRUSTY SLINGSHOT ON HIS SIDE,

NOT EVEN ONE OF THOSE GOOD SLINGSHOTS

THAT YOU PULL BACK WITH THE RUBBER--

LIKE, THE OLD-SCHOOLERS... YOU GOTTA LET--

HE BASICALLY [bleep] THREW A ROCK AT A GUY.

all: OHH!

- NEVER MESS WITH A GUY

WHO CARRIES AN EXTRA BEER IN HIS POCKET.

SOLID PUNCH-- HE KNOCKED HIS HAT OFF.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "LIQUID COURAGE."

IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH, YOU FORGET YOU'RE 5'4".

BUT GIRLS DON'T.

YOU'RE BRINGING THIS ON YOURSELF.

I LOVE THIS KID'S GUMPTION.

HE'S LIKE BRETT FAVRE--

TOO STUPID TO WALK AWAY.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

HE WILL BE UNCONSCIOUS FOR ALL OF MOBY'S SET.

I WISH EVERY DANCE-OFF ENDED IN VIOLENCE.

I'M JUST GLAD WE PROVED ONCE AGAIN

THAT IN THE REAL WORLD,

THE LITTLE GUY GETS HIS ASS BEAT,

WHILE BULLIES LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A WEB INVESTIGATION,

BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

[calypso music]

*

- SOME PEOPLE IN THE CRICHTON AREA OF MOBILE SAY

A LEPRECHAUN HAS TAKEN UP RESIDENCE

IN THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.

- THIS AMATEUR SKETCH RESEMBLES

WHAT MANY OF YOU SAY THE LEPRECHAUN LOOKS LIKE.

OTHERS FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE

AND HAVE COME UP WITH THEIR OWN THEORIES

AND EXPLANATIONS FOR THE IMAGE.

- COULD BE A CRACKHEAD

THAT GOT HOLD TO THE WRONG STUFF.

- THIS GUY HELPING TO DIRECT TRAFFIC SAYS

HE IS PREPARED FOR HIS ENCOUNTER WITH THE LEPRECHAUN.

- THIS IS A SPECIAL LEPRECHAUN FLUTE.

THIS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN FROM THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO

FROM MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WHO WAS IRISH.

I JUST CAME TO HELP OUT.

- WHO ELSE SEEN THE LEPRECHAUN? SAY "YEAH"!

all: YEAH!

- IN ALABAMA, BELIEVING IN LEPRECHAUNS

WILL GET YOU ON THE NEWS.

BUT BELIEVING IN EVOLUTION WILL GET YOU LYNCHED.

THIS IS THE GONE WITH THE WIND OF INTERNET VIDEOS.

IT'S OLD, IT'S FAMOUS,

AND IT MAKES THE SOUTH LOOK TERRIBLE.

THERE ISN'T A LEPRECHAUN THERE,

BECAUSE NO TINY WHITE MAN COULD SURVIVE IN THE HOOD

FOR LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES.

AND IF THERE WAS A TREASURE,

IT WOULD ALREADY BE MAILED IN TO CASH 4 GOLD.

GUESS HOW MANY MYTHICAL BEASTS

ARE SPOTTED EVERY YEAR IN L.A. AND NEW YORK?

ZERO.

BECAUSE WE'RE EDUCATED.

IF YOU'RE POOR, YOU NEED TO HAVE A STRONG IMAGINATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S MORE RARE THAN A UNICORN?

A RICH PERSON DEVOTING THEIR LIFE TO FINDING BIGFOOT.

EVERY CULTURE HAS THEIR OWN MADE-UP NIGHTMARES.

MEXICANS HAVE CHUPACABRA.

THE CHINESE HAVE DRAGONS.

WHITE PEOPLE HAVE BLACK PEOPLE.

AND WOMEN HAVE ROMANTIC COMEDIES.

LISTEN, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH I ENJOYED

GOING THE DISTANCE.

NO MAN MOVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY

FOR A MID-30s DREW BARRYMORE.

NONE OF THESE CREATURES EXIST.

IF THEY DID, WE WOULD HAVE CAPTURED THEM YEARS AGO

AND TORTURED THEM IN ZOOS FOR OUR OWN AMUSEMENT.

I DO KNOW THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IS ALIVE AND WELL,

BECAUSE IT LIVES IN MY PANTS.

AND IT'S BEEN SPOTTED SUNBATHING ON MY BALLS.

THE ONLY REAL MONSTERS IN THE WORLD

ARE THE MOMS FROM TODDLERS & TIARAS.

[high-pitched voice] CUTIE!

CUTIE PATOOTIE!

[normal voice] BUT THE GOOD PEOPLE OF ALABAMA

THINK THEY HAVE LEPRECHAUNS IN THEM THERE TREES.

SO I GOT A BATTERY OF SHOTS

AND HEADED TO THE HEART OF DIXIE

TO SEE IF THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB INVESTIGATION.

[applause]

ON MARCH 17, 2006,

A LEPRECHAUN WAS SPOTTED IN THE URBAN COMMUNITY

OF CRICHTON, ALABAMA.

AND BY "URBAN," I MEAN BLACK.

SO I BOARDED A PLANE AND MADE MY WAY TO ALABAMA,

A.K.A. BUM [bleep] EGYPT.

THAT SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY WAS IMPRESSIVE.

BUT I WAS HERE TO GET SOME ANSWERS.

AND WHO BETTER TO GIVE THEM THAN THE GUY WITH THE FLUTE?

THIS VIDEO BECAME A HUGE SENSATION IN 2006.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- WHAT WAS YOUR ROLE IN THAT?

- UM, I AM THE STAR OF THAT VIDEO.

THIS IS A SPECIAL LEPRECHAUN FLUTE.

THIS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN FROM THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO

FROM MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WHO WAS IRISH.

- DO THEY CALL YOU "FLUTE MAN"?

- THIS ONE? [chuckles] - OH!

THAT THING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN FOR GENERATIONS.

- YES, IT HAS.

- DO YOU BELIEVE IN LEPRECHAUNS?

- I DIDN'T AT FIRST,

BUT YOU LOOKED IN THE TREE.

IT WAS LIKE A HOLOGRAM OF THE LEPRECHAUN.

WHEN THEY TOOK THE LIGHT OFF IT, IT KEPT DISAPPEARING.

AND SO, YOU KNOW, IT WAS SOMETHING UP THERE.

MAYBE SOME KIND OF SPIRIT OR SOMETHING.

- SOMEONE SAID THAT THEY THOUGHT THE LEPRECHAUN

WAS A CRACKHEAD.

- COULD BE A CRACKHEAD

THAT GOT HOLD TO THE WRONG STUFF.

- ARE THERE A LOT OF CRACKHEADS IN MOBILE?

- OH, THERE ARE SEVERAL.

- SO THAT WAS A POSSIBILITY? - THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.

- THAT WASN'T COMPLETELY DISMISSED.

- IT WAS NOT.

- SO, RIGHT AFTER THAT FIRST STORY AIRED,

WHAT HAPPENED, LIKE, THE VERY NEXT DAY?

- YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MANY PEOPLE

PACKED THOSE STREETS JUST TO SEE THAT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

JUST TO ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE LEPRECHAUN

AND DIFFERENT THINGS LIKE THAT.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LEPRECHAUN MOVIE OF ALL TIME?

- LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD.

- WHAT'D THEY REDO FOR THAT ONE?

- IT WAS MORE LIKE A "URBAN" VERSION. [chuckles]

- WAS IT BETTER OR WORSE THAN SOUL PLANE?

- WORSE. - THAT'S HARD TO DO.

- [laughs] - IN THE VIDEO,

YOU SAID YOU WERE IRISH. - MM-HMM.

- HOW IRISH WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE?

- I'D SAY ABOUT 10%.

- DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

- ON THE WEEKENDS.

- THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PROBLEM.

- THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

- WAS THAT A PROFESSIONAL SKETCH ARTIST

THAT MADE THAT DRAWING OF THE LEPRECHAUN?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[both laugh]

- IT SEEMED PRETTY SPOT-ON.

- AND HE GOT MONEY. - FOR THAT DRAWING?

- YEAH, IT'S LIKE A KINDERGARTNER DREW THAT.

HE GOT, LIKE, $1,800-- - [laughing]

I SAT DOWN WITH THAT MODERN-DAY MICHELANGELO

TO SEE IF HE COULD MAKE THINGS A LITTLE LESS SKETCHY.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AN ARTIST?

- I'M NOT REALLY AN ARTIST.

- NO [bleep].

YOU FELT THAT DRAWING

ACCURATELY PORTRAYED HIM.

- YES. - COULD YOU DRAW ME?

- ABSOLUTELY. - PLEASE GET MY GOOD SIDE.

THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME.

- I USUALLY DO LANDSCAPES.

- ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS A LEPRECHAUN

AND NOT JUST A LITTLE PERSON?

- I'M POSITIVE.

- 'CAUSE THEY LOOK EERILY SIMILAR.

- THIS WAS A LEPRECHAUN.

- I MET UP WITH SOMEONE I HOPED

COULD SHED A LITTLE LIGHT ON THE MATTER.

THAT'S GOTTA FEEL LIKE A TREE HOUSE TO YOU.

- [sighs] LITTLE TALL.

- ARE YOU A LEPRECHAUN? - NO, I'M A LITTLE PERSON.

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO ALABAMA?

- YES.

- AND HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A TREE?

- I HAVEN'T CLIMBED A TREE SINCE I WAS A KID.

- SO YOU ADMIT YOU'VE BEEN IN TREES.

- UH, YES. I GUESS SO.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LEPRECHAUN

AND A LITTLE PERSON?

- ONE'S FICTIONAL. ONE'S REAL.

- WHAT OTHER STEREOTYPES DO "YOU PEOPLE"

WANT TO PUT TO REST?

- WE DON'T MAKE SHOES OR BOOTS OR WHATEVER.

- YOU DON'T MAKE SHOES OR BOOTS.

- NOT A COBBLER. WELL, SOMEBODY--

- HOLD ON, LITTLE PEOPLE-- LITTLE PEOPLE CAN'T MAKE SHOES?

- LITTLE PEOPLE CAN MAKE SHOES.

THAT'S NOT THEIR EVERY JOB. - OKAY.

- THAT'S NOT--WHAT-- I'M TALKING ABOUT--

- SURE, THEY HAVE TO MAKE COOKIES AS WELL.

- EH... - CAN LEPRECHAUNS FLY?

- NO, I DON'T THINK THEY CAN.

- YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT LEPRECHAUNS

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A LEPRECHAUN? - THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

- OH, WE'RE GOING TO FIND YOU.

WE'LL GET YOU SUITED UP.

I'LL MEET YOU BACK HERE AROUND SUNDOWN.

MAKE SURE YOU BRING THAT FLUTE.

LOOK AT THIS.

OH, THAT'S SO PRETTY.

YOU GUYS LIGHT YOUR CROSSES ON FIRE DOWN HERE.

- YEAH, L-LET'S JUST KEEP MOVING.

LET'S JUST KEEP GOING. - IS IT A HOLIDAY?

THAT LOOKS NICE.

YOU SAY YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN THIS TREE?

- I'M POSITIVE HE'S IN THAT TREE.

- ALL RIGHT.

WANT SOME? - NO, I'M GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT. PLAY THAT FLUTE.

- [imitates high-pitched flute]

- THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL INSTRUMENT.

[dramatic music]

- YOU KEEP PLAYING IT. I THINK I HEAR SOMETHING.

- COULD BE A CRACKHEAD.

*

- HOLY [bleep]!

NO!

[thud]

- WHY DID YOU SHOOT HIM?

- MY BAD.

- YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I KNEW YOU WERE A LEPRECHAUN.

- AYE, DANNY BOY.

AYE.

[coin chings]

[twinkling]

- EVERYONE WHO'S SEEN A DEAD LEPRECHAUN,

SAY "YEAH"!

all: YEAH!

- WE GON' MISS YOU, MOTHER[bleep].

[cheers and applause]

I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE IN ALABAMA

FOR BEING SO CORDIAL TO US,

DESPITE ALL THE JOKES WE'VE MADE.

I KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD "CORDIAL" MEANS,

BUT IT'S A COMPLIMENT, YOU BACKWARDS [bleep].

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

THAT CAR DIDN'T PAY HIS TOLL.

[horn blares]

[glass shatters]

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH, I'VE GOT THE--I SWEAR.

- DO YOU SWEAR...? - I SWEAR I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY.

- IT'S ON VIDEO. IT'S ON.

- ALL RIGHT.

[indistinct chatter]

- JUST RIGHT HERE? - YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD.

OH, DUDE.

[laughter]

- COME ON, MAN. COME ON, MAN.

- OH, MY GOD.

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

- OKAY, THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

WE'VE REACHED A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR ME.

THIS IS WHAT YOU KIDS ARE INTO--

GRABBING POOP OUT OF THE TOILET?

I HOPE THAT'S HIS.

OR THAT WOULD REALLY BE DISGUSTING.

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

THAT BEING SAID, I CANNOT WAIT TO NA-NA NA-BOO-BOO,

STICK MY HAND IN DOO-DOO.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, GET IN HERE.

THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- GOD, THAT'S GROSS.

- THAT IS SICK.

- UH, NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S ACTUALLY HEALTHY.

NOW, LET'S GO.

- FINE.

- THAT A GIRL.

- IT'S STILL WARM.

- WHAT THE-- OH!

- WHAT?

- WHAT THE [bleep]?

YOU SICK [bleep, bleep, bleep].

TWO GIRLS, ONE BOWL.

WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH!

BY THE WAY, THAT'S THE SECOND BIGGEST TURD

OUR BLOGGER CARLY HAS EVER EATEN.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM RAZMIG.NET.

- YOU'RE A REAL [bleep] SCUMBAG.

WELL, MY FRIEND...

NOW YOU'RE [bleep] DEAD.

CAN YOU STOP DOING THAT?

OKAY. HEY.

[dramatic notes]

- THAT'S IT. I'M GETTING A BAG.

- OH, THAT'S WHY CASEY ANTHONY USED DUCT TAPE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

SPORTS SHOW WITH NORM MACDONALD.

- WELCOME BACK.

THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF EXPOSED ARMS,

SO GET AN EYEFUL WHILE YOU STILL CAN, FELLAS.

THE SHOW WILL BE BACK IN A COUPLE WEEKS,

BUT I WILL STILL ENTERTAIN YOU ON TOUR

AND ON TWITTER.

I'D LIKE TO BE THE FIRST TO HAVE 40 MILLION FOLLOWERS

BEFORE I RETURN.

RETWEET.

ALSO, THE BLOG WILL BE UPDATED WHILE WE'RE AWAY,

IF CARLY HAS TIME IN BETWEEN EATING [bleep].

ALL SUMMER LONG, WE'VE BEEN ASKING YOU

TO SUBMIT ENTRIES FOR OUR COLLEGE CAMPUS INVASION,

AND WE FINALLY HAVE A WINNER.

I KNOW YOU ALL WORKED REALLY HARD ON YOUR VIDEOS,

BUT THEY CAME ACROSS DESPERATE.

SO WE PICKED A SCHOOL THAT DIDN'T EVEN SEND ONE IN.

WE WILL BE GOING TO ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY.

YEAH.

THAT CAMPUS IS FULL OF HOTTIES.

AND THE FACT THAT THEY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT OUR SHOW

DRIVES US CRAZY.

SO GET READY, SUN DEVILS.

I HEAR ARIZONA IN EARLY SEPTEMBER

IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S WHEN THE CACTI START CHANGING COLORS.

NOW, BEFORE WE GO,

I THOUGHT I SHOULD LEAVE YOU WITH ONE LAST VIDEO.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S TOO GRAPHIC,

AND COMEDY CENTRAL WON'T LET ME SHOW YOU THE FIRST HALF.

HERE'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GET YOU UP TO SPEED.

IT'S BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE FROM A PORNO SHOOT.

AND A WELL-ENDOWED GENTLEMAN

HAS EMPTIED HIS RICH, FLAVORFUL ESSENCE

INTO, OF ALL PLACES,

AN EAGER YOUNG STARLET'S YAPPER,

WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE UPSET HER STOMACH.

MAKE SURE YOU PAY ATTENTION,

BECAUSE THERE'S A SURPRISE TWIST ENDING.

- I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

- [laughing] OKAY. WAIT, WAIT.

[laughing] WAIT, OKAY.

OH! - OH!

- SORRY. - OH, HONEY, I LOVE YOU.

[laughing] IT'S--IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

- [coughs]

[gasps]

I'M REALLY SORRY.

- HONEY, IT'S OKAY.

- YOU DON'T MEAN IT. I SWEAR YOU DON'T.

- WE KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.

- [sighs]

I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO.

LOOK AT ALL THIS MESS.

[coughs, retches]

- WHAT'D YOU EAT?

- WHAT DID YOU EAT?

- I'M PREGNANT.

[cheers and applause]

- ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR SUMMER.

GOOD NIGHT.

Captioning by Morgan at CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

- I GIVE YOU PERMISSION-- - STATE YOUR FULL NAME.

- DANIEL, I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO GRAB MY ASS.

- WHAT'S YOUR FULL NAME? - I, RACHEL LIND,

RACHEL CHRISTINE LIND...

- GIVE...DANIEL TOSH... - GIVE YOU, DANIEL TOSH...

both: FULL PERMISSION...

- TO REALLY GET A HEALTHY GRAB...

- TO REALLY GET A HEALTHY GRAB...

- OF MY SWEET... - OF MY...

both: SWEET... - JUICY...

- JUICY... - PEACH. [laughing]

- ASS. - ASS.

- THAT WAS AMAZING. [laughter]

- 1 MISSISSIPPI,

2 MISSISSIPPI, 3 MISSISSIPPI...