Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET AND IS INTENDED FOR

A MATURE AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH!

!

>> OH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> OH.

YOU THINK THAT'S GROSS CASEY AN

THENY KILLED HER BABY.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O COMING TO YOU

FROM THE CLOUD.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE HAVE A

TITLE FIGHT.

MY PERSONAL TRAINER YELLS AT ME

AND I SHOW YOU THE MOST

UNFORTUNATE DOMAIN NAMES OF THE

WEEK.

LET'S SEE WHY THEY WON'T USE THE

TUB AGAIN.

I DON'T SEE WHAT IS SO HARD

ABOUT CHILD BIRTH.

IT LOOKS SUPER RELAXING.

HONEY, THE GAME IS ALMOST OVER

IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL.

DO HIGHLIGHTS WORK ON PLACENTA

STAINS?

THAT VAGINA SHOULD BE GOOD AS

GOOD AS TOMORROW.

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE WILL REALLY

CLOG THE DRAIN.

THAT TUB NODES A GARBAGE

DISPOSAL.

I RECENTLY WELCOMED A NEW MEMBER

TO MY FAMILY.

>> OH, NO.

IT'S BROWN.

MY DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME.

>> THAT'S MY NEWEST PUPPY.

SHE'S ONLY NINE WEEKS OLD AND

ALREADY HAS HER SAG CARD.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL, STARVING

ACTORS?

>> WHAT DOES A SOLDIER GET WHEN

HIS FEELINGS ARE HURT?

>> A PURPLE HEART.

>> [BEEP] YOU.

[BEEP]

>> HEY, GUYS.

ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE.

[BEEP]

(YELLING )

>> THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

WHEN I WATCH "THE VIEW."

APPARENTLY THE ARMY DOESN'T

ISSUE CHILL PILLS.

>> THIS IS WHY THEY MAKE YOU

TURN OFF YOUR ELECTRONICS DURING

A FLIGHT.

>> OH!

>> THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN YOU FLY

A LAWN CHAIR GLUE TODAY FAN.

I THINK JOHN BENJAMIN'S VAN JUST

KILLED THAT GUY.

OH, FOLKS WE HAVE REACHED OUR

CRUISING ALTITUDE.

I'M GOING TO TURN OFF THIS

FASTEN SEATBELT SIGN.

I BET YOU THINK I WILL MAKE

ACIST JOKES ABOUT THE NEXTR

VIDEO.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE!

>> THAT WILL BE AN INTENSE FRUIT

SALAD.

NOTHING SMART EVER HAPPENS ON A

DIRT ROAD.

>> THAT MIGHT BE THE UGLIEST

GROUP OF PEOPLE I HAVE EVER

SEEN.

I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT HIS

CONCUSSION WILL GO UNDIAGNOSED.

THE POWER OF CHRIST CELLS YOU TO

WATCH THIS NEXT VIDEO.

(YELLING )

>> I BET SLEAZE ALSO A DEMON IN

THE SACK.

SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THE PREACHER

SHE MIGHT BE JUST ON HER PERIOD.

I HEAR WHEN SHE'S NOT POSSESSED

BY THE DEVIL SHE'S A BITCH.

WHAT'S NEXT?

(YELLING )

>> WHAT THE HELL-O KITTY.

LET'S DO WHAT WE DO BEST AND

MAKE FUN OF ASIANS IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THIS GAME IS CALLED

BO-TAY-YOSHI.

IT'S THE ONLY WATCHABLE SPORT

LEFT.

NOT SURE OF THE RULES BUT I

ENJOY ANYTHING WITH A JAPANESE

BOY ON A HUGE CHOPSTICK.

IT'S ON LIKE HONG KONG.

THE BLUE TEAM RUSHES IN LIKE A

TSUNAMI.

A 4.5-FOOT HIGH TSUNAMI.

THIS IS THE BUKAKKE OF SPORTS.

THOSE DUDES KEEP COMING AND

COMING.

SURE IS HARD TO KEEP AN EYE ON

YOUR FAVORITE PLAYER IF YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN.

GOOD THING THEY PUT JOCK STRAPS

ON THEIR HEADS WHEN THEY WENT

KAMIKAZE.

THE MOST DANGEROUS PART IS TO

COME, WHEN EVERYONE DRIVES HOME.

WE'RE WITNESSING THE MIRACLE ON

RICE.

TIME TO DOUSE THE COACH WITH

SAKI.

REMEMBER AT THE END OF THE DAY

THEY'RE ALL ON THE YELLOW AND

WHITE TEAM.

THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY PEARL

HARBOR.

I'M GLAD AFLAC DIDN'T FIRE ME

FOR MAKING TOO MANY JAPANESE

JOKES.

FOR THAT WE SAY ...

(SPEAKING JAPANESE ."

>> WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT

FIRST ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT,

BITCH.

>> THEY'RE BOTH STKRUFRPBG AS

[BEEP].

DRUNK AS [BEEP]

>> HERE IT GOES.

>> KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD.

>> WHAT THE [BEEP] IS THAT.

JR, JR.

>> HE'S FINE, HE'S A SLEEP.

HE'S WASTED.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOX MAN.

LET GO!

LET GO!

LET GO!

>> HE'S DOWN, FINE, FINE.

HE'S COMING TOO.

JR ...

JR!

>> HE'S FINE.

>> GET THE [BEEP] UP.

>> THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB,

PLEASE DON'T DIE IN MY MOM'S

BASEMENT.

THAT KNOCKOUT WAS BETTER THAN

ANY PROFESSIONAL BOXING I HAVE

SEEN IN TEN YEARS.

BOXING IS THE MOST MANLIEST

THING THAT REQUIRES A MAN TO BE

GOOD AS JUMP ROPE.

THE SWEET SCIENCE ISN'T AS GOOD

AS IT USE TO BE, PROBABLY CAUSE

I DON'T WANT TO SHELL OUT $60 TO

WATCH TWO MEXICANS FIGHT WHEN I

CAN DO THAT FOR FREE ANYWHERE IN

LA.

SORRY I'M NOT EXCITED ABOUT A

SPORT WITH 90 GUYS AS CHAMPIONS.

NOTHING CAN BE BETTER THAN

FORMER GREATS.

TYSON IS BUSY PLAYING WITH

PIGEONS AND TATTOOING HIS FACE.

GEORGE FOREMAN IS SCREWING TWO

IRONS TOGETHER TO COOK HIS

CHICKEN.

AND MOHAMMAD ALI I BLAME YOU FOR

WILL SMITH'S CAREER.

NOW WE'RE STUCK WITH THE

KLITSCHKO BOTHERS.

YOU CAN'T TAKE WHITE FIGHTERS

SERIOUSIOUSLY.

NOW TRUE FIGHT FANS WANT TO

WATCH SOMETHING JUST SHORT OF

GAY SEX.

THE RING GIRLS DISGUST ME.

PUT CLOTHES ON AND HAVE RESPECT

FOR YOURSELVES LADIES.

JR GOT KNOCKED OUT BY A LUCKY

PUNCH.

BUT WE'RE GIVING HIM ANOTHER

MATCH AT A TIGHT UNTIL THIS

WEEK'S WEBBBBBB REMATCH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU'RE ALL SET, JR.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

>> WORK IN THE COAL MINES.

>> THE COAL MINES.

>> YES.

>> WHY DID YOU FLIGHT

STPHUFRPBLGTS DON'T REMEMBER TOO

MUCH OF THE FIGHT.

>> IS THIS A REGULAR THING DO

YOU HAVE BOXING MATCHES OFTEN?

>> NO.

>> DID HE GET A LUCKY PUNCH IN.

>> YES.

>> WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR WORDS.

>> A COUPLE OF GUYS CAME OVER,

PLAYING BEER PONG.

ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER.

SOMEBODY WANTED TO BOX.

WE PUT ON THE GLOVES AND I WAS

ON THE GROUND.

>> PAVEMENT OR CARPET?

>> CONCRETE FLOOR.

>> CONCRETE FLOOR.

I'M HERE WITH BOSTON, THE

CURRENT CHAMPION.

WHAT DOES VICTORY TASTE LIKE.

>> SWEET, A SWEET TASTE.

>> WHO WANTED TO FIGHT.

>> I DIDN'T BRING OUT THE GLOVES

BUT JR AND I DECIDED TO SQUARE

OFF.

LAID DOWN THE GROUND RULES.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE GROUND RULES.

>> WHAT ARE THOSE?

>> IF SOMEONE PUTS THEIR HANDS

IN THE RULE THE FIGHT IS OVER.

>> SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST

SURRENDERING MOVE.

>> YES.

>> THAT'S A FREE SHOT TO THE

HEAD.

>> THAT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST

MISTAKE.

THAT WAS THE ONLY GROUND RULE.

I OPENED UP WITH AN INITIAL LEFT

THAT TOOK OFF THE HEAD GIRL.

I HAD THE RIGHT COCKED.

>> COULDN'T UNCOCK IT.

>> NO.

I UNLOAD IT DID AND THAT WAS

THAT.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU UNCONSCIOUS

FOR?

>> ABOUT THREE MINUTES.

>> WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU

GAINED CONSCIOUSNESS THE VIDEO

TURNED OFF.

>> I WENT TO BED.

>> THEY SAY THE BEST THING AFTER

A CONCUSSION THE BEST THING TO

DO IS SLEEP SOMEWHERE.

>> HE DIDN'T WAKE UP.

THAT GOT EVERYONE WORRIED.

SO WE PUT HIM TO BED.

>> ALRIGHT, WE JUST KILLED

SOMEBODY.

>> WHO YELLED THE FRIDAY QUOTE.

>> THAT WAS MY BUDDY, SEAN.

HE WAS STOKED WHEN JR OPENED HIS

EYES.

>> SO HE COULD SCREAM YOU GOT

"KNOCKED THE [BEEP] OUT!"

>> DID ANY PART OF YOU CREDIT

PEEING ON HIM.

>> I CREDITED IT.

>> THAT WOULD OF BEEN ANOTHER

LEVEL OF A GREAT MOVE.

KNOCK HIM OUT AND PEON HIM.

>> WHO IS FASTER YOU OR AUSTIN.

>> AUSTIN.

>>WHO IS STRONGER.

>> I WOULD GIVE HIM A BETTER RUN

FOR HIS MONEY?

>> WHO IS A BETTER LOVER.

>> PROBABLY ME MANY.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

PROBABLY NOT WHILE WE FIGHT BUT

IN A WORST CASE SCENARIO YOU

BANG HIS GIRLFRIEND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR THE

REMATCH TRAINING.

>> DRINK BEER, SIT ON THE COUCH

AND WATCH TV.

>> WE WILL WORK ON YOUR CONCEPT,

BOXING, AND THEN CROSS OUR

FINGERS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

>> WELL FIGHT CLUB I GO BY DAN

FLAMINCO.

YOU CAN WIN DOWN HERE YOU CAN

WIN ANYWHERE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, JR, IS BEAT

OUR CURRENT CHAMP.

ALL HAIL KING HIPPO.

>> HE'S ROYALTY.

>> I DON'T THINK HE'S IN MY

WEIGHT CLASS.

>> JUST WORK THE BODY.

(VIDEO GAME NOISES )

(VIDEO GAME NOISES )

>> FABULOUS WIN, NOW LET'S WORK

ON YOUR CARD YO.

I HEAR THEY WANT TO BUILD A

MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO.

THAT'S HORSE [BEEP].

USE THAT AS MOTIVATION.

DAN KING HERE PORE THE GREATEST

FIGHT EVER.

WE'RE AT THE WEIGHT IN.

JR COMING IN AT 159.

A LEAN MEAN FIGHTING MACHINE.

WHOA!

AND THE CHAMPION AUSTIN.

LOOKS A LITTLE OUT OF SHAPE.

170ISH.

, 107ISH.

ONLY IN AMERICA, ONLY IN AMERICA

THE THRILL BETWEEN TWO VAN ILL

AS.

MARTIN LUTHER KING TOOK YOU TO

THE MOUNTAIN KING.

I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE BANK.

TWO WHITE DOPES.

>> GOOD EVENING WELCOME TO

TOSH.O FIGHT NIGHT.

FROM THE WEB REMATCH WE HAVE

FROM THE GREAT STATE OF ILLINOIS

THE BLACK LUNG HIMSELF, JR.

WILL HE FIGHT THE CURRENT

APARTMENT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD

AUSTIN THE A INEBRIATED.

TONIGHT YOU'RE SCHEDULED FOR ONE

10-15 MINUTE ROUND.

PACE YOURSELF.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED LET'S

APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY OF

TONIGHT'S BARELY LEGAL RING BOY.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE HARD TO

FIGHT WITH A BONER.

AM I RIGHT.

LET'S GET THINGS STARTED.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> ALRIGHT, FELLAS.

KEEP IT CLEAN.

TOUCH GLOVES AND WHEN YOU HEAR

THE BELL COME OUT FIGHTING.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> WIN OR LOSE [BEEP]

>> CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.

WHOA!

>> AND THE WINNER IS ...

RING BOY.

>> AH, ONLY IN AMERICA.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT FIGHT MIGHT OF BEEN

FIXED.

BUT RING BOY SURE ISN'T.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

FIRST WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCED A

SUCCESSFUL CANNONBALL DOOKIE HAS

BEEN CAPTURED ON FILM.

>> CANNONBALL DOOKIE, TAKE ONE.

GO!

>> AHHH! [BEEP], [BEEP].

GET THE [BEEP], [BEEP] OFF THE

COUCH.

GET THE [BEEP].

LET [BEEP].

[BEEP], [BEEP] IF I CAN DO IT

ANYONE CAN [BEEP] DO IT.

IT'S TIME [BEEP].

I!

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT'S SOFT SPOKEN FELLA

MAKES A GOOD POINT.

IT'S NOT COOL TO BE FAT DURING

THE SUMMER.

I THOUGHT THIS PERFECT ASSESS

WOULD HELP YOU GET IN SHAPE.ECT SPECIMEN

BY SKYPE WE HAVE MIKE.

THANKS FOR JOINING US MIKE.

>> (YELLING).

>> LET'S BOTTLE THAT ENERGY.

WHAT GOES INTO A WELL ROUNDED

WORKOUT.

>> YOU COULD START BY SHUTTING

YOUR MOUTH [BEEP].

GOING TO THE GYM AND THEN

[BEEP].

SQUAT AND DEAD WEIGHT.

SQUAT AND DEAD WEIGHT.

YOU GOT TO GET -- (YELLING ).

>> YOU'RE COME AGO CROSS

SLIGHTLY HOMOPHOBIC AND I DON'T

DO DAIRY.

HEY, WHAT ARE THOSE BODIES

BEHIND YOU?

>> MY SUPPLEMENTS.

>> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE HATERS

WHO SAY YOU'RE ON STEROIDS.

>> I'M ON THREE STEROIDS THERE.

I DO [BEEP].

>> YOU HEAR THAT KIDS, RESULTS.

TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU CAN UP

RIGHT ROW.

>> UP RIGHT ROW, WHAT THE [BEEP]

IS UP RIGHT ROW.

IT'S CALLED THE BENT OVER ROW

[BEEP].

BY THE WAY I CAN BENT OVER ROW

ABOUT 315, 5 TIMES.

BRO.

>> FIVE TIMES.

I HATE MY SIZE, WOULD YOU

RECOMMEND A BOWFLEX.

>> BOWFLEX.

DO I LOOK LIKE [BEEP] BLACK GUY

ON THE COMMERCIAL.

WHO THE [BEEP] USES A BOWFLEX,

TOSH?

>> NOT ME, MIKE.

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.

HOW DO I LOOK.

>> YOU'RE [BEEP] SKINNY FAT.

YOU MUST WEIGHT LIKE 90 POUNDS

[BEEP] SOAKING WET.

YOU'RE THE SCRAWNIEST [BEEP] I

SREFR SEEN IN MY LIFE.

YOU HAVE BITCH TITS.

WHAT THE [BEEP] ARE YOU GOING TO

DO?

[LAUGHING]

>> HOPEFULLY I JUST MAIL YOU

LEFTOVERS.

WHAT KIND OF GIRLS ARE YOU

ATTRACTED TOO.

>> PERFECT BODY, CURVES, TREES,

BIG APPLE ASS, STICKING MY PENIS

IN THERE [BEEP].

>> YES, YOU ARE.

SHE SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.

>> DOES YOUR THROAT EVER GET

SORE.

>> YA WHEN I SUCK YOUR MOTHERS

[BEEP].

>> THANKS, MIKE.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON,

TOSH.

GO LIFT WEIGHTS.

>> MAYBE TOMORROW.

>> E-MAIL US A VIDEO FOR A

VIEWER UPDATE.

THIS WEEK COMES FROM TAKI

PICTURES.

>> WE CUT 4 HOURS OUT OF THAT.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

FRANK LEAVES FOR THE ORIENT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> AH, WELCOME WHACK TO THE PART

OF THE SHOW I CARE LEAST ABOUT.

NEXT WEEK THE TOSH.O MARATHON

RUNS WILD ON YOU.

THAT MIGHT BE OUR WATERWORLD.

THAT'S A REFERENCE TO A VERY

EXPENSIVE FLOP.

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER, KEEP UP

WITH THE SHOWS AND SEE ME ON THE

TOSH TOUR ON ICE.

FINALLY THE UNFORTUNATE DOMAINS

OF THE WEEK.

FIRST TWOFINGERPUSSYDANCE.COM.

TWO IT SOUNDS VULGAR BUT IT'S

NOT.

NEXT IS

FILLMYWETSTINKYHOLEWITHYOURLOG.C

OM.

GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE

GUTTER.

IT'S FOR THE CHESTER.

IN FIELD DAMN & LANDSCAPING

COMPANY.

SERVING EASTERN IOWA FOR OVER 25

YEARS WITH THE FINEST

LANDSCAPING MODIFICATION.

NOW IT MAKES SENSE.

AND FINALLY THE HOLOCAUST IS A THE

HOLHOLOCAUSTISALIE.COM.

THAT PRO MATES HATE.

AND ICE CREAM OUTSIDE OF CORPUS

CHRISTI.

BARGAINS LIKE THAT YOU WILL

ATTRACT A SPECIFIC CLIENTELE

OVERLOOKING YOUR HIGHLY

OFFENSIVE WEBSITE.

ALRIGHT I WANT THE SHOW TO BE

OVER NOW.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> WERE YOU SO HAPPY YOU KNOCKED

HIM OUT.

>> I HAVE TO BE HONEST I WAS A

LITTLE CONCERNED INITIALLY.

THEN I WAS OVERWHELMED WITH HOW

EXCITED AND NICE IT FELT TO

KNOCKOUT ONE OF MY FRIENDS.

>> I DON'T THINK WHERE YOU

INITIAL REACTION WAS OF CONCERN.

>> WHAT THE [BEEP] WAS THAT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE KNEW WHAT WAS

WRONG WITH YOU.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO MOVE

ANYTHING.

WERE THEY SLAPPING YOU IN THE

FACE TOO.

>> YA.