Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE

AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

>> HEY, 40 SECONDS?

>> 45 NOW.

[BEEP]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> OH, ROCK BEATS -- WHAT'S

BEATS THAT?

CHRIS ROCK.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

TONIGHT A PHILLY TAZE FAN GETS A

REDEMPTION.

NOW TAKE ME BACK TO FERN GULLY.

[BEEP]

>> SEE, I WAS KIND OF HOPING THE

ROPE WOULD BE TOO LONG.

CAN'T WE JUST FAST FORWARD TO

THE PART WHERE HE CUTS HIS ARM

OFF.

THE KEY TO WINNING A DUNK

CONTEST IS NOT DYING.

>> I HATE TO BE A DICK BUT --

[LAUGHING]

>> HE'S ON FIRE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU SCORE THREE UNANSWERED

BASKETS.

[LAUGHING]

>> SURE, BUT HOW IS HIS MID

RANGE JUMPER.

A MOB OF WHITE KIDS AROUND A

FIRE IN TEXAS IS THE BEST WAY TO

COPE BLACK PEOPLE FROM ENTERING

YOUR DUNK CONTEST.

THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I

LIT A TRASHCAN ON FIRE.

>> THIS IS FOR NOT ACCEPTING

BERT AND ERNIE'S ALTERNATIVE

LIFESTYLE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F

FOR GO [BEEP] YOURSELF.

YOU'RE NEXT SNUFLUPOLOUS.

THE ONLY WAY TO IMPROV LIFE FOR

THE HOMELESS ...

THE AL QAEDA DAY CARE PROGRAM IS

VERY NURTURING.

PLEASE WELCOME THE MUSLIM GLOBE

TROTTERS.

*

>> OH F THEY DROP HIM THAT BABY

GETS TO BANG 40 VIRGINS.

HIS MOM WOULD NOT LIKE THIS IF

SHE WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE

OPINIONS.

MIX UP, LET'S SEE A BOUNCE PASS.

THIS NEXT GUY SHOULD OF BEEN

MORE CAREFUL WHEN HE USED A

HAMMER.

>> OH, LOOKS LIKE THAT LITTLE

PIGGY WENT TO LIVE WITH THE

FINGER.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

GLOVE SHOPPING MUST BE A

NIGHTMARE.

LADIES THAT IS TWO IN A PINK AND

A BIG SURPRISE IN YOUR STINK.

HOW ABOUT WE SKIP THE PINKY

SWEAR AND CROSS OUR HEARTS.

>> WHEN HE GETS A MANI HE ALSO

GETS A PEDI.

IMAGINE WHEN HE DRINKS TEA.

YOU FANCY, HUH.

TURNS OUT YOU CAN GET A STD FROM

FINGER, MYTH BUSTED.

>> HIS HANDS ARE LIKE THE

KARDASHIANS.

IS IT WRONG I REALLY WANT TO

KNOW WHAT THAT TASTES LIKE.

THIS IS MANI'S BEST FRIEND WITH

BENEFITS.

THAT IS ROCK BOTTOM.

MUST OF SLIPPED HIM FROM RUFIES.

TRY A DIFFERENT POSITION ONCE IN

YOUR LIFE.

THIS IS HOW I THOUGHT MARLEY AND

ME WAS GOING TO END.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> OH!

>> YOU DON'T SEE THAT EVERY DAY.

>> I MEAN A NON ENDIAN GUY

ING AT 7-11.INDAN GUYWORK

>> I'M SURE THIS OTHER ANGLE

WILL HELP CLEAR THINGS UP.

WORKING IN A CONVENIENCE STORE

IS ALMOST AS BAD AS EVERY MOVIE

KEVIN HAS MADE SINCE CLERKS AND

MALL RATS.

LOOK AT HIM TAUNT THAT BALL.

THAT WENT FROM 7-11 TO 9-11 IN

RAY HURRY.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY MADE TAKE

OUT THE TRASH.

THE ONLY THING MORE HORRIFYING

THAN THAT COLLISION ARE THE

CHEESE BURGER HAUT DOGS THEY

SELL.

WHERE IS SHE GOING?

COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

A BIG FAT CUCUMBER.

IT'S NOT CALLED HIT AND WALK.

OKAY I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT

IS GOING ON.

IT'S OCEANS 7-11 HE WAS NEVER A

EMPLOYEE AT ALL.

HE'S WALKING OUT THE FRONT DOOR

WITH THE EVERY LOTE TICKET.

HE'S GOING TO LOSE HIS MIND.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE THAT BAD

AT DRIVING TURNED OUT TO BE A

WOMAN.

THIS PROVES IF YOU WORK AT A

PLACE THAT STAYS OPEN EVERY

NIGHT YOU WILL BE MURDERED.

FOR THAT WE SAY THANK YOU, DIE

AGAIN.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

PHILLY TAZE FANS.

BUT FIRST WHO THROW THAT DOLLA.

>> DOLLA.

*

>> TO BE FARE IT WAS TAZE A FAN

NIGHT.

THAT'S STEVEN IT'S ILLEGAL TO

HAVE A GOOD TIME AT A BASEBALL

GAME.

I WISH EVERYONE RAN ON THE FIELD

THEY WOULDN'T CUTAWAY.

STEVEN DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU

SHOULD DO WHEN YOU DEAL WITH A

RENT -A- COP.

RUN THEY DON'T HAVE ANY POWER.

>> IF SECURITY GUARDS ARE NOT

ALLOWED TO CARRY GUNS I DON'T

HAVE TO OBEY THEIR MADE UP

RULES.

IT'S HARD TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

IT'S WORST IF YOU'RE A LADY.

NOBODY RESPECTS THE BADGE WITH A

TITTY BEHIND IT.

SPEAKING OF TITTIES ANY

PROFESSION THAT KEVIN JAMES HAS

BLADE IN -- ZOOKEEPER LOOKS LIKE

A ROMPER.

DO WE CARE IF TERRORISTS BLOW UP

THE GAGA DOME, IT'S THE FALCONS?

STEVEN DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.

HE WANTED TO BE PART OF

AMERICA'S PASSTIME.

I PAID HIM A VISIT TO SCARE HIM

STRAIGHT IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> [BEEP], [BEEP], [BEEP].

>> FRESH MEAT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU IN HERE FOR?

>> TPEUPLY TAZE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU IN HERE FOR?

>> STREAKING.

>> WHAT GAME?

>> NO GAME, MY FRIEND.

STREAKING A PRISON.

[LAUGHING]

>> WHOSE GOING TO GET ME.

[BEEP]

>> YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

>> CALL ME.

>> ALRIGHT, STEVEN, I GOT US

THIS NICE SEEDY HOTEL ROOM TO

UNWIND.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> A COUPLE OF FRIENDS AND I

WERE GOING TO A PHILLY'S GAME.

DOLLAR DOG NIGHT.

>> DOLLAR DOG NIGHT.

>> YES, IT WAS.

>> HOW MANY TKAUGDZ DID YOU PUT

AWAY.

>> I WOULD SAY FIVE.

YOU HAD FIVE HOT DOGS IN YOU AND

YOU RAN LIKE THE WIND.

DID YOUR DAD TELL YOU NOT TO DO

THIS?

>> I CALLED HIM.

>> BEFORE YOU RAN ON THE FOLD?

>> YES.

>> WHAT DID HE SAY.

>> SON, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S A

GOOD IDEA.

>> DID YOU HANG UP THE PHONE

SAYING HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S

TALKING ABOUT.

>> I TOOK OFF AND JUMPED ON THE

FIELD.

I SAW A SECURITY GUARD POINTING

A GUN ON ME WITH A GREEN TIP.

I CALLED IT QUITS, DOVE IN THE

FIELD AND THAT WAS IT.

>> SO YOU GAVE UP BEFORE YOU

WERE SHOT.

>> YES.

>> AT THIS POINT WERE YOU LIKE

THIS IS A HORRIBLE IDEA OR GLAD

YOU DID IT URPLTS I WAS SHOCKED

IT WENT DOWN AND I WAS IT'S

AIRED.

>> WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING

TO HAPPEN.

>> I DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE.

I WANTED TO GET OUT.

THERE.

>> YOU KNEW YOU WOULD BE

ARRESTED?

>> YES.

I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN.

>> WERE YOU DRINKING?

>> NO NOT AT ALL.

>> DID HE ASK YOU IF YOU HAD A

HEART CONDITION BEFORE HE TAZEED

YOU?

>> YES.

>> THIS IS THE BLOOD STAIN WHERE

I WAS SHOT.

>> YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TIDE STICK

ON YOU.

>> DID ANYONE TRY TO HAVE SEX

WITH YOU IN THE JAIL?

>> NO, I WAS BY MYSELF.

>> THAT STINKS.

>> ARE YOU BAN FROM GOING TO

BASEBALL GAMES.

>> I AM NOT.

>> YOU CAN GO TO A PHILLY'S

GAME.

>> I HAVE BEEN TO ONE.

>> DID YOU THINK OF STORMING THE

FIELD AGAIN TO LET THEM KNOW

YOUR SPIRIT COULDN'T BE BROKE.

>> WERE YOU SURPRISED THE

STADIUM COPS TAZEED A WHITE KID.

>> YES.

>> YOU DIDN'T KNOCK UP A CHICK

IN HIGH SCHOOL, ARE YOU ADDICTED

TO DRUGS?

>> NO, I'M NOT.

>> WHAT WERE THE LEGAL

RAMIFICATIONS?

>> 6 MONTHS PROBATION, 60 HOURS

COMMUNITY SERVICE.

>> YOU PROBABLY WONDER WHY WE'RE

IN THE HOTEL.

>> I GOT YOU WHAT EVERY --

WANTS.

A NIGHT OF GUILT-FREE SEX WITH A

PROSTITUTE.

>> HELG OH,.

>> HELLO.

>> WHO IS THE LUCKY, FELLA.

>> NOT ME, MY FRIEND.

>> NO, THANK YOU.

>> HE HAS BEEN IN THE CLINICKERS

FOR 8 HOURS.

STEVEN, I HAD HER LAST WEEK.

SHE'S CLEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TO

YEAR A CONDOM.

[BEEP]

>> I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

>> I GOT YOU SOMEONE TO TAZE.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> WHAT KIND OF [BEEP] IS THIS.

>> [BEEP].

>> THAT'S A HOOKER?

>> YES.

WE WERE HAG WILLING OVER THE

TIP.

YADA, YADA, YAD.

THERE IS A DEAD HOOKER IN MY

TRUNK.

GO GET HIM.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

>> YES, I DO.

>> AND THAT'S WHY COPS SHOULDN'T

USE TASERS.

THEY ARE REALLY DANGEROUS AND

THEY CAN SERIOUSLY INJURY IF NOT

KILL SOMEONE.

>> YA, HE'S DEAD.

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET RID OF

THE BODY .

>> RIP THE TEETH OUT?

>> YES.

>> GOOD.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE HOOKER?

>> NOBODY WILL MISS HER.

>> H*EL HELP ME SHOVE THIS OFF A

CLIFF AND WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF

THIS DAY AGAIN.

>> COME ON.

*

*

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> A LITTLE BEHIND THE SCENES

INFO BUT THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WE

HRAOEURD TO BE THE PROSTITUTE

HAD THE LONGEST VEINIOUS KHREU

CLITORIS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

MAY I ASK WHO IS CALLING.

>> I KNEW AT A YOUNG AGE I WAS

VERY DIFFERENT.

>> I STARTED OFF AS A TOM BOY

AND I PLAYED WITH BOYS AND BOYS

THINGS.

>> I BROUGHT MY SISTER'S DOLL TO

SHOW AND TELL.

>> WHEN I WEPT ON THE FOLD I WAS

LEFT OUT FROM THE TEAM.

>> THEY CALLED ME [BEEP] AND

PUSHED ME AROUND.

>> I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU, I

DIDN'T BELIEVE IT OR IT WOULD

GET BETTER.

IT REALLY, REALLY DOES GET

BETTER.

>> IF I COULD COME THROUGH THE

SCREEN AND TELL YOU IT GETS

BETTER I WOULD.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS REALLY BETTER.

>> EVERYTHING GETS BETTER.

>> I'M NOT SURE.

THAT'S THE "IT GETS BETTER"

CAMPAIGN AFPLT PARENTALLY IT

DOES NEW YORK MADE GAY MARRIAGE

LEGAL.

THAT'S WHY I PUT TOGETHER MY

CAMPAIGN TO LET YOU KNOW THE

PITFALLS OF MARRIAGES.

YOU MAY THINK IT GETS BETTER BUT

IT GETS WAY, WAY, WAY WORST.

>> BEING MARRIED IS LIKE LIVING

WITH A CRAZY VERSION OF YOUR OWN

MOTHER THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE

SEX WITH.

>> THE BEST PART ABOUT MARRIAGE

IS LEAVING FOR WORK IN THE

MORNING.

>> IT TURNS YOU INTO A DISHONEST

PERSON.

IF YOU WANT TO SNEAK AROUND FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BY ALL

MEANS GET MARRIED.

>> SHE SAID SHE HAEULTED HER

MOTHER, NOW I CAN'T SPEND A

WEEKEND WITHOUT THAT BITCH IN MY

HOUSE.

>> SHE ENDS EVERY CONVERSATION

WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

STATEMENT LIKE.

I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO

WITH YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T.

>> IN HIGH SCHOOL I DIDN'T THINK

I WANTED TO BE WITH ANYONE BUT

HER.

I THOUGHT 311 WAS A GOOD BAND.

>> MY WIFE HAD A GOOD SET OF

ROUND TITS.

NOW THEY HANG BELOW HER BELLY

BUTTON AND SHE DOESN'T

UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULD RATHER

MASTURBATE.

>> I WOULD RATHER MAKE LOVE TO A

ROAST BEEF STAND WITCH.

>> IF I TKEULD HER I THINK I CAN

GET AWAY WITH IT.

>> I CAN'T REMEMBER WANTING TO

LOOK AT MY WIFE'S NAKED BODY .

>> SHE WANTS TO GO BACK TO

SCHOOL TO BE A NUTRITION.

>> SHE SAYS SHE'S BY BEST FRIEND

BUT SHE WANTS TO BE MY ONLY

PERSON.

>> I CONSTANTLY FANTASIZE ABOUT

A PHIL HARTMANI STEW SIDE MURDER

SCENARIO.

BUT I SURVIVE AND DATE 25 YEAR

ODES.

>> SURE I DON'T LOOK AT GOOD AS

I USE TO EITHER.

IT'S NOT MY JOB.

>> THE REASON I LISTEN TO HER IS

TO MAKE HER LOOK STUPID WHEN SHE

ASKS.

>> MARRYING SOMEONE MEANS

PUTTING THEM ABOVE YOURSELF.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANYONE ABOVE

MYSELF.

>> WE BOTH WANT A DIVORCE BUT

NEITHER WANTS THE KID FULL TIME.

>> SHE GAVE BIRTH TO SUCH AN ASS

HOLE.

>> YOU KNOW IT GETS WAY BETTER

IN 40 YEARS.

>> I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR SEXUAL

ORIENTATION IS.

MARRIAGE IS TERRIBLE.

>> IT GETS WORST.

>> IT GETS WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY

WORST.

>> I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER

ABOUT BEING ALONE.

WE'RE TAKING COLLEGE INVASION

TAPES.

THIS IS FROM TEXAS STATE.

>> ARE YOU WOPBD ERGS WHAT

CAMPUS WILL YOU VISIT IN YOUR

CAMPUS INVASION.

LET ME GIVE YOU A FEW REASONS TO

COME TO TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY.

>> THEY RIDE BAREBACK AT TEXAS

STATE.

I'M A FAN OF THAT.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER

VIDEO.

THIS COMES TO US FROM JON KOVEL.

[LAUGHING]

>> HOW DID THAT GET INTO A

MANI'S MOUTH?

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

CONTEST SEARCH LIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

*

>> WELCOME BACK.

THE SHOW IS A HALF HOUR TOO LONG

IF YOU ASK ME.

NEXT WEEK WE'RE DOING A WEB

REMATCH WITH THESE GUYS.

>> THEY'RE BOTH DRUNK AS [BEEP]

>> KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD.

>> WHAT IS THAT, WHAT THE [BEEP]

IS THAT.

>> AS USUAL IN BOXING THIS FIGHT

WILL NOT LIVE UP TO THE HYPE.

BE SURE TO FOLLOW ME ON TWIT

TORE LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

COME SEE ME ON THE TOSH TOUR

NIGHTS AND THIS WEEK IN HERMOSA

BEACH.

ALL OF THE INFORMATION IS ON OUR

BLOG.

IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW I LOVE

DESERTS.

THAT'S WHY I OPENED UP MY OWN

BAKERY TOSH.DOUGH.

LET'S GO ON-LINE AND READ YOUR

RESRAOUSS.

KATY WRITES: THE YEAST INFECTION

CONFECTION IS MOUTH WATERING AND

THE DOUCHE BAGUETTE.

THIS IS A BLACK FREE ENVIRONMENT

FOR AND YOU YOUR FAMILY.

SHOCKING THE GUY FROM NORTH

CAROLINA IS RACIST.

WE'RE NOT BLACK FREE.

WE EVEN GAVE THEM THEIR OWN

SECTION.

BRANDON WHAT THE [BEEP] IS

YELLED.

IT'S A WEBSITE WHERE GIRLS

DECIDE WHAT YOU SHOULD WASTE

MONEY ON THEM FOR.

OPRAH EATS THERE.

GET THERE BEFORE HER, WHAT I'M

SAYING.

LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH

LIKE HIS SHOW.

SILENT K FROM FLORIDA, YOU CAME

A LONG WAY.

THE BAKERY SHOP IS NOT REAL.

BUYER BEWARE IF YOU SEARCH YOU

WILL NOT FIND IT.

HEY, BUDDY, WE'RE TRYING TO DO A

BIT HERE.

JAY WRITES, I GUESS I DIDN'T GET

AIDS THERE IS THAT.

COME OUT FOR OUR HIS WHICH IS

ON THE HOUSE.BISCOTTI, S

IT WAS GOOD THE FIRST TIME I

WENT BUT IT'S GONE DOWNHILL.

NOW I GO BACK EVERY TUESDAY TO

SEE IF THINGS GET BETTER.

WAIT, THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT THE VOICE.

I THINK THIS MANI IS A

PEDOPHILE.

I CAN'T BE SURE.

GOOD ECLAIRS THOUGH.

YOU CAN BE SURE.

THEY ARE GREAT ECLAIRS.

I CAME IN AND ASKED FOR A

CHOCOLATE DONUT AND WAS PROMPTLY

[BEEP].

THAT'S WHY WE GOT A "B" ON THE

WINDOW.

TOSH FANS ARE NOT FUNNY.

COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

THANKS, FOODIES, GOOD NIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]