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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,733 --> 00:00:16,503 >> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM 2 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:20,800 THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE 3 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:21,370 AUDIENCE. 4 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:22,327 ENJOY. 5 00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:25,473 >> HEY, 40 SECONDS? 6 00:00:25,467 --> 00:00:29,797 >> 45 NOW. 7 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,330 [BEEP] 8 00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:41,773 [ APPLAUSE ] 9 00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:51,497 >> OH, ROCK BEATS -- WHAT'S 10 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,100 BEATS THAT? 11 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:55,630 CHRIS ROCK. 12 00:00:55,633 --> 00:00:58,773 WELCOME TO TOSH.O. 13 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:04,597 TONIGHT A PHILLY TAZE FAN GETS A 14 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,070 REDEMPTION. 15 00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:09,697 NOW TAKE ME BACK TO FERN GULLY. 16 00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:10,070 [BEEP] 17 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:12,297 >> SEE, I WAS KIND OF HOPING THE 18 00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:13,870 ROPE WOULD BE TOO LONG. 19 00:01:13,867 --> 00:01:15,767 CAN'T WE JUST FAST FORWARD TO 20 00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,967 THE PART WHERE HE CUTS HIS ARM 21 00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:18,227 OFF. 22 00:01:18,233 --> 00:01:20,103 THE KEY TO WINNING A DUNK 23 00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:37,200 CONTEST IS NOT DYING. 24 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,900 >> I HATE TO BE A DICK BUT -- 25 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,900 [LAUGHING] 26 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:44,870 >> HE'S ON FIRE. 27 00:01:44,867 --> 00:01:46,497 THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN 28 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,530 YOU SCORE THREE UNANSWERED 29 00:01:48,533 --> 00:01:50,933 BASKETS. 30 00:01:50,933 --> 00:01:52,103 [LAUGHING] 31 00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,130 >> SURE, BUT HOW IS HIS MID 32 00:01:55,133 --> 00:01:56,373 RANGE JUMPER. 33 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,827 A MOB OF WHITE KIDS AROUND A 34 00:01:58,833 --> 00:02:01,903 FIRE IN TEXAS IS THE BEST WAY TO 35 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:04,630 COPE BLACK PEOPLE FROM ENTERING 36 00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:06,103 YOUR DUNK CONTEST. 37 00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,930 THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I 38 00:02:07,933 --> 00:02:14,373 LIT A TRASHCAN ON FIRE. 39 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:18,167 >> THIS IS FOR NOT ACCEPTING 40 00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:21,927 BERT AND ERNIE'S ALTERNATIVE 41 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:22,333 LIFESTYLE. 42 00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:25,803 BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F 43 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,330 FOR GO [BEEP] YOURSELF. 44 00:02:28,333 --> 00:02:32,233 YOU'RE NEXT SNUFLUPOLOUS. 45 00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:35,533 THE ONLY WAY TO IMPROV LIFE FOR 46 00:02:35,533 --> 00:02:39,703 THE HOMELESS ... 47 00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,100 THE AL QAEDA DAY CARE PROGRAM IS 48 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,330 VERY NURTURING. 49 00:02:43,333 --> 00:02:47,433 PLEASE WELCOME THE MUSLIM GLOBE 50 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:48,333 TROTTERS. 51 00:02:48,333 --> 00:02:49,103 * 52 00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,130 >> OH F THEY DROP HIM THAT BABY 53 00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:54,233 GETS TO BANG 40 VIRGINS. 54 00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:56,133 HIS MOM WOULD NOT LIKE THIS IF 55 00:02:56,133 --> 00:03:00,403 SHE WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE 56 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:00,770 OPINIONS. 57 00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:02,867 MIX UP, LET'S SEE A BOUNCE PASS. 58 00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:04,627 THIS NEXT GUY SHOULD OF BEEN 59 00:03:04,633 --> 00:03:06,373 MORE CAREFUL WHEN HE USED A 60 00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:07,567 HAMMER. 61 00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:10,227 >> OH, LOOKS LIKE THAT LITTLE 62 00:03:10,233 --> 00:03:13,303 PIGGY WENT TO LIVE WITH THE 63 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:13,730 FINGER. 64 00:03:13,733 --> 00:03:15,073 LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE 65 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,497 CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY 66 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:18,570 COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE. 67 00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,527 GLOVE SHOPPING MUST BE A 68 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:21,303 NIGHTMARE. 69 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,930 LADIES THAT IS TWO IN A PINK AND 70 00:03:23,933 --> 00:03:25,503 A BIG SURPRISE IN YOUR STINK. 71 00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:28,300 HOW ABOUT WE SKIP THE PINKY 72 00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:29,870 SWEAR AND CROSS OUR HEARTS. 73 00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:33,497 >> WHEN HE GETS A MANI HE ALSO 74 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,870 GETS A PEDI. 75 00:03:34,867 --> 00:03:36,767 IMAGINE WHEN HE DRINKS TEA. 76 00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:39,067 YOU FANCY, HUH. 77 00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:44,967 TURNS OUT YOU CAN GET A STD FROM 78 00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:46,397 FINGER, MYTH BUSTED. 79 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:53,070 >> HIS HANDS ARE LIKE THE 80 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:53,467 KARDASHIANS. 81 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:58,767 IS IT WRONG I REALLY WANT TO 82 00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:00,927 KNOW WHAT THAT TASTES LIKE. 83 00:04:00,933 --> 00:04:04,073 THIS IS MANI'S BEST FRIEND WITH 84 00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:04,367 BENEFITS. 85 00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:06,397 THAT IS ROCK BOTTOM. 86 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:12,400 MUST OF SLIPPED HIM FROM RUFIES. 87 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,370 TRY A DIFFERENT POSITION ONCE IN 88 00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:14,827 YOUR LIFE. 89 00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,873 THIS IS HOW I THOUGHT MARLEY AND 90 00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:18,827 ME WAS GOING TO END. 91 00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:23,433 WHAT'S NEXT? 92 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:24,273 >> OH! 93 00:04:24,267 --> 00:04:27,197 >> YOU DON'T SEE THAT EVERY DAY. 94 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,870 >> I MEAN A NON ENDIAN GUY 95 00:04:30,867 --> 00:04:38,727 ING AT 7-11.INDAN GUYWORK 96 00:04:38,733 --> 00:04:41,173 >> I'M SURE THIS OTHER ANGLE 97 00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:43,227 WILL HELP CLEAR THINGS UP. 98 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,903 WORKING IN A CONVENIENCE STORE 99 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:51,830 IS ALMOST AS BAD AS EVERY MOVIE 100 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,603 KEVIN HAS MADE SINCE CLERKS AND 101 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,230 MALL RATS. 102 00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:58,703 LOOK AT HIM TAUNT THAT BALL. 103 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:02,700 THAT WENT FROM 7-11 TO 9-11 IN 104 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:03,470 RAY HURRY. 105 00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:05,797 THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY MADE TAKE 106 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,270 OUT THE TRASH. 107 00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:09,797 THE ONLY THING MORE HORRIFYING 108 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,370 THAN THAT COLLISION ARE THE 109 00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:16,097 CHEESE BURGER HAUT DOGS THEY 110 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:16,400 SELL. 111 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,830 WHERE IS SHE GOING? 112 00:05:18,833 --> 00:05:22,103 COOL AS A CUCUMBER. 113 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,470 A BIG FAT CUCUMBER. 114 00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:26,367 IT'S NOT CALLED HIT AND WALK. 115 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,397 OKAY I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT 116 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,730 IS GOING ON. 117 00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:32,703 IT'S OCEANS 7-11 HE WAS NEVER A 118 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,470 EMPLOYEE AT ALL. 119 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,167 HE'S WALKING OUT THE FRONT DOOR 120 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:39,097 WITH THE EVERY LOTE TICKET. 121 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,970 HE'S GOING TO LOSE HIS MIND. 122 00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:42,897 I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE THAT BAD 123 00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,170 AT DRIVING TURNED OUT TO BE A 124 00:05:45,167 --> 00:05:45,467 WOMAN. 125 00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:47,167 THIS PROVES IF YOU WORK AT A 126 00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:49,067 PLACE THAT STAYS OPEN EVERY 127 00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:50,527 NIGHT YOU WILL BE MURDERED. 128 00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,803 FOR THAT WE SAY THANK YOU, DIE 129 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:53,300 AGAIN. 130 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:54,970 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE 131 00:05:54,967 --> 00:05:56,167 PHILLY TAZE FANS. 132 00:05:56,167 --> 00:05:59,697 BUT FIRST WHO THROW THAT DOLLA. 133 00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:02,800 >> DOLLA. 134 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:18,200 * 135 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,430 >> TO BE FARE IT WAS TAZE A FAN 136 00:06:22,433 --> 00:06:22,733 NIGHT. 137 00:06:22,733 --> 00:06:24,073 THAT'S STEVEN IT'S ILLEGAL TO 138 00:06:24,067 --> 00:06:27,327 HAVE A GOOD TIME AT A BASEBALL 139 00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,473 GAME. 140 00:06:28,467 --> 00:06:30,827 I WISH EVERYONE RAN ON THE FIELD 141 00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:35,803 THEY WOULDN'T CUTAWAY. 142 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,330 STEVEN DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU 143 00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:40,833 SHOULD DO WHEN YOU DEAL WITH A 144 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:42,073 RENT -A- COP. 145 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,827 RUN THEY DON'T HAVE ANY POWER. 146 00:06:43,833 --> 00:06:45,333 >> IF SECURITY GUARDS ARE NOT 147 00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:48,073 ALLOWED TO CARRY GUNS I DON'T 148 00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:51,067 HAVE TO OBEY THEIR MADE UP 149 00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:51,367 RULES. 150 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,227 IT'S HARD TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. 151 00:06:54,233 --> 00:06:55,903 IT'S WORST IF YOU'RE A LADY. 152 00:06:55,900 --> 00:07:00,130 NOBODY RESPECTS THE BADGE WITH A 153 00:07:00,133 --> 00:07:02,733 TITTY BEHIND IT. 154 00:07:02,733 --> 00:07:05,973 SPEAKING OF TITTIES ANY 155 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:09,297 PROFESSION THAT KEVIN JAMES HAS 156 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,830 BLADE IN -- ZOOKEEPER LOOKS LIKE 157 00:07:11,833 --> 00:07:12,973 A ROMPER. 158 00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:15,527 DO WE CARE IF TERRORISTS BLOW UP 159 00:07:15,533 --> 00:07:18,573 THE GAGA DOME, IT'S THE FALCONS? 160 00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:20,597 STEVEN DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM. 161 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,600 HE WANTED TO BE PART OF 162 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,470 AMERICA'S PASSTIME. 163 00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:30,097 I PAID HIM A VISIT TO SCARE HIM 164 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:33,270 STRAIGHT IN THIS WEEK'S WEB 165 00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:33,667 REDEMPTION. 166 00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,927 >> [BEEP], [BEEP], [BEEP]. 167 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,173 >> FRESH MEAT. 168 00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:40,467 >> WHAT ARE YOU IN HERE FOR? 169 00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:41,567 >> TPEUPLY TAZE. 170 00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,827 >> WHAT ARE YOU IN HERE FOR? 171 00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:44,673 >> STREAKING. 172 00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:45,597 >> WHAT GAME? 173 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,130 >> NO GAME, MY FRIEND. 174 00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:53,803 STREAKING A PRISON. 175 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,070 [LAUGHING] 176 00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:57,297 >> WHOSE GOING TO GET ME. 177 00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:58,630 [BEEP] 178 00:07:58,633 --> 00:08:03,633 >> YOU'RE FREE TO GO. 179 00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:04,473 >> CALL ME. 180 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:07,927 >> ALRIGHT, STEVEN, I GOT US 181 00:08:07,933 --> 00:08:12,303 THIS NICE SEEDY HOTEL ROOM TO 182 00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:12,630 UNWIND. 183 00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:13,933 TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY. 184 00:08:13,933 --> 00:08:15,503 >> A COUPLE OF FRIENDS AND I 185 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:18,430 WERE GOING TO A PHILLY'S GAME. 186 00:08:18,433 --> 00:08:19,673 DOLLAR DOG NIGHT. 187 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,167 >> DOLLAR DOG NIGHT. 188 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,097 >> YES, IT WAS. 189 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:24,730 >> HOW MANY TKAUGDZ DID YOU PUT 190 00:08:24,733 --> 00:08:25,073 AWAY. 191 00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:27,627 >> I WOULD SAY FIVE. 192 00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:30,073 YOU HAD FIVE HOT DOGS IN YOU AND 193 00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:31,767 YOU RAN LIKE THE WIND. 194 00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:33,667 DID YOUR DAD TELL YOU NOT TO DO 195 00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:33,967 THIS? 196 00:08:33,967 --> 00:08:35,327 >> I CALLED HIM. 197 00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:36,933 >> BEFORE YOU RAN ON THE FOLD? 198 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:37,403 >> YES. 199 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,600 >> WHAT DID HE SAY. 200 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,600 >> SON, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S A 201 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,270 GOOD IDEA. 202 00:08:41,267 --> 00:08:44,067 >> DID YOU HANG UP THE PHONE 203 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:47,867 SAYING HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S 204 00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:49,367 TALKING ABOUT. 205 00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:52,167 >> I TOOK OFF AND JUMPED ON THE 206 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:52,467 FIELD. 207 00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:55,127 I SAW A SECURITY GUARD POINTING 208 00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:58,133 A GUN ON ME WITH A GREEN TIP. 209 00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:01,073 I CALLED IT QUITS, DOVE IN THE 210 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:03,067 FIELD AND THAT WAS IT. 211 00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:04,597 >> SO YOU GAVE UP BEFORE YOU 212 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:05,270 WERE SHOT. 213 00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:06,067 >> YES. 214 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,927 >> AT THIS POINT WERE YOU LIKE 215 00:09:07,933 --> 00:09:09,703 THIS IS A HORRIBLE IDEA OR GLAD 216 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,730 YOU DID IT URPLTS I WAS SHOCKED 217 00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:13,573 IT WENT DOWN AND I WAS IT'S 218 00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:13,867 AIRED. 219 00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:15,567 >> WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING 220 00:09:15,567 --> 00:09:15,967 TO HAPPEN. 221 00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:17,967 >> I DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE. 222 00:09:17,967 --> 00:09:19,067 I WANTED TO GET OUT. 223 00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:19,297 THERE. 224 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,670 >> YOU KNEW YOU WOULD BE 225 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:22,067 ARRESTED? 226 00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:23,197 >> YES. 227 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,070 I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN. 228 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,397 >> WERE YOU DRINKING? 229 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,970 >> NO NOT AT ALL. 230 00:09:29,967 --> 00:09:32,427 >> DID HE ASK YOU IF YOU HAD A 231 00:09:32,433 --> 00:09:36,503 HEART CONDITION BEFORE HE TAZEED 232 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:36,770 YOU? 233 00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:37,667 >> YES. 234 00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:40,067 >> THIS IS THE BLOOD STAIN WHERE 235 00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:40,697 I WAS SHOT. 236 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,570 >> YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TIDE STICK 237 00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:43,527 ON YOU. 238 00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:45,573 >> DID ANYONE TRY TO HAVE SEX 239 00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:46,497 WITH YOU IN THE JAIL? 240 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:49,330 >> NO, I WAS BY MYSELF. 241 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:50,803 >> THAT STINKS. 242 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,530 >> ARE YOU BAN FROM GOING TO 243 00:09:52,533 --> 00:09:53,403 BASEBALL GAMES. 244 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,300 >> I AM NOT. 245 00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:57,270 >> YOU CAN GO TO A PHILLY'S 246 00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:57,567 GAME. 247 00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,267 >> I HAVE BEEN TO ONE. 248 00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,497 >> DID YOU THINK OF STORMING THE 249 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:05,600 FIELD AGAIN TO LET THEM KNOW 250 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,800 YOUR SPIRIT COULDN'T BE BROKE. 251 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,630 >> WERE YOU SURPRISED THE 252 00:10:09,633 --> 00:10:11,873 STADIUM COPS TAZEED A WHITE KID. 253 00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:12,497 >> YES. 254 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,300 >> YOU DIDN'T KNOCK UP A CHICK 255 00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:16,500 IN HIGH SCHOOL, ARE YOU ADDICTED 256 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,130 TO DRUGS? 257 00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:18,503 >> NO, I'M NOT. 258 00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:21,170 >> WHAT WERE THE LEGAL 259 00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:21,597 RAMIFICATIONS? 260 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,970 >> 6 MONTHS PROBATION, 60 HOURS 261 00:10:24,967 --> 00:10:25,927 COMMUNITY SERVICE. 262 00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:30,573 >> YOU PROBABLY WONDER WHY WE'RE 263 00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:31,367 IN THE HOTEL. 264 00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:37,427 >> I GOT YOU WHAT EVERY -- 265 00:10:37,433 --> 00:10:37,733 WANTS. 266 00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:40,833 A NIGHT OF GUILT-FREE SEX WITH A 267 00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:41,303 PROSTITUTE. 268 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:41,730 >> HELG OH,. 269 00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:42,373 >> HELLO. 270 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,567 >> WHO IS THE LUCKY, FELLA. 271 00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:49,027 >> NOT ME, MY FRIEND. 272 00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:50,033 >> NO, THANK YOU. 273 00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,603 >> HE HAS BEEN IN THE CLINICKERS 274 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:53,430 FOR 8 HOURS. 275 00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:55,303 STEVEN, I HAD HER LAST WEEK. 276 00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,170 SHE'S CLEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TO 277 00:10:57,167 --> 00:11:01,467 YEAR A CONDOM. 278 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:10,097 [BEEP] 279 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,970 >> I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU. 280 00:11:11,967 --> 00:11:13,627 THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW. 281 00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:15,073 YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER 282 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:15,367 SHOT. 283 00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:16,827 >> WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? 284 00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:18,703 >> I GOT YOU SOMEONE TO TAZE. 285 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,900 >> THERE YOU GO. 286 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:24,730 >> WHAT KIND OF [BEEP] IS THIS. 287 00:11:24,733 --> 00:11:25,633 >> [BEEP]. 288 00:11:25,633 --> 00:11:26,573 >> THAT'S A HOOKER? 289 00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:27,827 >> YES. 290 00:11:27,833 --> 00:11:30,773 WE WERE HAG WILLING OVER THE 291 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:31,827 TIP. 292 00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:34,433 YADA, YADA, YAD. 293 00:11:34,433 --> 00:11:37,103 THERE IS A DEAD HOOKER IN MY 294 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:37,400 TRUNK. 295 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,100 GO GET HIM. 296 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,870 >> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. 297 00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:58,067 >> YES, I DO. 298 00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:00,397 >> AND THAT'S WHY COPS SHOULDN'T 299 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,530 USE TASERS. 300 00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:03,303 THEY ARE REALLY DANGEROUS AND 301 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,800 THEY CAN SERIOUSLY INJURY IF NOT 302 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,530 KILL SOMEONE. 303 00:12:07,533 --> 00:12:10,073 >> YA, HE'S DEAD. 304 00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:12,067 YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET RID OF 305 00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:13,067 THE BODY . 306 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,827 >> RIP THE TEETH OUT? 307 00:12:14,833 --> 00:12:15,403 >> YES. 308 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:15,870 >> GOOD. 309 00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,427 >> WHAT ABOUT THE HOOKER? 310 00:12:17,433 --> 00:12:19,433 >> NOBODY WILL MISS HER. 311 00:12:19,433 --> 00:12:22,633 >> H*EL HELP ME SHOVE THIS OFF A 312 00:12:22,633 --> 00:12:24,203 CLIFF AND WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF 313 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,870 THIS DAY AGAIN. 314 00:12:25,867 --> 00:12:28,497 >> COME ON. 315 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,530 * 316 00:12:29,533 --> 00:12:38,303 * 317 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:38,970 [ APPLAUSE ] 318 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,767 >> A LITTLE BEHIND THE SCENES 319 00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:45,367 INFO BUT THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WE 320 00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,197 HRAOEURD TO BE THE PROSTITUTE 321 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:52,070 HAD THE LONGEST VEINIOUS KHREU 322 00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:52,367 CLITORIS. 323 00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,967 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 324 00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:57,927 MAY I ASK WHO IS CALLING. 325 00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:27,873 >> I KNEW AT A YOUNG AGE I WAS 326 00:13:27,867 --> 00:13:28,627 VERY DIFFERENT. 327 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,373 >> I STARTED OFF AS A TOM BOY 328 00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:34,197 AND I PLAYED WITH BOYS AND BOYS 329 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:34,900 THINGS. 330 00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,130 >> I BROUGHT MY SISTER'S DOLL TO 331 00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:37,973 SHOW AND TELL. 332 00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,827 >> WHEN I WEPT ON THE FOLD I WAS 333 00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:41,103 LEFT OUT FROM THE TEAM. 334 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:42,930 >> THEY CALLED ME [BEEP] AND 335 00:13:42,933 --> 00:13:44,073 PUSHED ME AROUND. 336 00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,067 >> I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU, I 337 00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,767 DIDN'T BELIEVE IT OR IT WOULD 338 00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:48,667 GET BETTER. 339 00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,697 IT REALLY, REALLY DOES GET 340 00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:51,070 BETTER. 341 00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:52,467 >> IF I COULD COME THROUGH THE 342 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,197 SCREEN AND TELL YOU IT GETS 343 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,630 BETTER I WOULD. 344 00:13:55,633 --> 00:13:56,733 >> IT GETS BETTER. 345 00:13:56,733 --> 00:13:58,303 >> IT GETS BETTER. 346 00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,330 >> IT GETS BETTER. 347 00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:01,603 >> IT GETS REALLY BETTER. 348 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,100 >> EVERYTHING GETS BETTER. 349 00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,170 >> I'M NOT SURE. 350 00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:06,467 THAT'S THE "IT GETS BETTER" 351 00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,227 CAMPAIGN AFPLT PARENTALLY IT 352 00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:11,073 DOES NEW YORK MADE GAY MARRIAGE 353 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:11,297 LEGAL. 354 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,170 THAT'S WHY I PUT TOGETHER MY 355 00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,097 CAMPAIGN TO LET YOU KNOW THE 356 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,970 PITFALLS OF MARRIAGES. 357 00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:20,327 YOU MAY THINK IT GETS BETTER BUT 358 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:22,503 IT GETS WAY, WAY, WAY WORST. 359 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,600 >> BEING MARRIED IS LIKE LIVING 360 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,330 WITH A CRAZY VERSION OF YOUR OWN 361 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,933 MOTHER THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE 362 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:28,403 SEX WITH. 363 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,230 >> THE BEST PART ABOUT MARRIAGE 364 00:14:31,233 --> 00:14:33,433 IS LEAVING FOR WORK IN THE 365 00:14:33,433 --> 00:14:33,933 MORNING. 366 00:14:33,933 --> 00:14:36,503 >> IT TURNS YOU INTO A DISHONEST 367 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:36,830 PERSON. 368 00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:37,973 IF YOU WANT TO SNEAK AROUND FOR 369 00:14:37,967 --> 00:14:40,327 THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BY ALL 370 00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:42,503 MEANS GET MARRIED. 371 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:45,100 >> SHE SAID SHE HAEULTED HER 372 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:49,570 MOTHER, NOW I CAN'T SPEND A 373 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:51,067 WEEKEND WITHOUT THAT BITCH IN MY 374 00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:51,427 HOUSE. 375 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,973 >> SHE ENDS EVERY CONVERSATION 376 00:14:53,967 --> 00:14:55,467 WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 377 00:14:55,467 --> 00:14:56,797 STATEMENT LIKE. 378 00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,300 I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO 379 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,500 WITH YOU. 380 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,570 YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T. 381 00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:04,767 >> IN HIGH SCHOOL I DIDN'T THINK 382 00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:06,597 I WANTED TO BE WITH ANYONE BUT 383 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:07,070 HER. 384 00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,967 I THOUGHT 311 WAS A GOOD BAND. 385 00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:12,827 >> MY WIFE HAD A GOOD SET OF 386 00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:13,833 ROUND TITS. 387 00:15:13,833 --> 00:15:17,073 NOW THEY HANG BELOW HER BELLY 388 00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,327 BUTTON AND SHE DOESN'T 389 00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:22,703 UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULD RATHER 390 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:23,100 MASTURBATE. 391 00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:25,200 >> I WOULD RATHER MAKE LOVE TO A 392 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,330 ROAST BEEF STAND WITCH. 393 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:29,933 >> IF I TKEULD HER I THINK I CAN 394 00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:31,433 GET AWAY WITH IT. 395 00:15:31,433 --> 00:15:33,403 >> I CAN'T REMEMBER WANTING TO 396 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,070 LOOK AT MY WIFE'S NAKED BODY . 397 00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,497 >> SHE WANTS TO GO BACK TO 398 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,230 SCHOOL TO BE A NUTRITION. 399 00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:43,573 >> SHE SAYS SHE'S BY BEST FRIEND 400 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,597 BUT SHE WANTS TO BE MY ONLY 401 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,070 PERSON. 402 00:15:46,067 --> 00:15:48,427 >> I CONSTANTLY FANTASIZE ABOUT 403 00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:53,333 A PHIL HARTMANI STEW SIDE MURDER 404 00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:53,733 SCENARIO. 405 00:15:53,733 --> 00:15:56,703 BUT I SURVIVE AND DATE 25 YEAR 406 00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:57,070 ODES. 407 00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,597 >> SURE I DON'T LOOK AT GOOD AS 408 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,130 I USE TO EITHER. 409 00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,303 IT'S NOT MY JOB. 410 00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:04,800 >> THE REASON I LISTEN TO HER IS 411 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,970 TO MAKE HER LOOK STUPID WHEN SHE 412 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:08,297 ASKS. 413 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,470 >> MARRYING SOMEONE MEANS 414 00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:11,727 PUTTING THEM ABOVE YOURSELF. 415 00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:14,533 I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANYONE ABOVE 416 00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:14,873 MYSELF. 417 00:16:14,867 --> 00:16:17,927 >> WE BOTH WANT A DIVORCE BUT 418 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,733 NEITHER WANTS THE KID FULL TIME. 419 00:16:19,733 --> 00:16:22,773 >> SHE GAVE BIRTH TO SUCH AN ASS 420 00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:23,067 HOLE. 421 00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:26,867 >> YOU KNOW IT GETS WAY BETTER 422 00:16:26,867 --> 00:16:27,367 IN 40 YEARS. 423 00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:30,897 >> I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR SEXUAL 424 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:33,430 ORIENTATION IS. 425 00:16:33,433 --> 00:16:34,173 MARRIAGE IS TERRIBLE. 426 00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:35,727 >> IT GETS WORST. 427 00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,473 >> IT GETS WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY 428 00:16:38,467 --> 00:16:38,867 WORST. 429 00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:41,067 >> I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER 430 00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,127 ABOUT BEING ALONE. 431 00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:48,733 WE'RE TAKING COLLEGE INVASION 432 00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:49,073 TAPES. 433 00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,367 THIS IS FROM TEXAS STATE. 434 00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:53,167 >> ARE YOU WOPBD ERGS WHAT 435 00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:58,067 CAMPUS WILL YOU VISIT IN YOUR 436 00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:58,927 CAMPUS INVASION. 437 00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:00,873 LET ME GIVE YOU A FEW REASONS TO 438 00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:03,067 COME TO TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY. 439 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,897 >> THEY RIDE BAREBACK AT TEXAS 440 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:06,200 STATE. 441 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,330 I'M A FAN OF THAT. 442 00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,173 DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG 443 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:13,527 FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER 444 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:13,933 VIDEO. 445 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:39,233 THIS COMES TO US FROM JON KOVEL. 446 00:17:39,233 --> 00:17:39,603 [LAUGHING] 447 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,400 >> HOW DID THAT GET INTO A 448 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,530 MANI'S MOUTH? 449 00:17:42,533 --> 00:17:45,133 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 450 00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:47,333 CONTEST SEARCH LIGHT. 451 00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:47,803 [ APPLAUSE ] 452 00:17:58,867 --> 00:17:59,897 [ APPLAUSE ] 453 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:00,830 * 454 00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:02,073 >> WELCOME BACK. 455 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:03,567 THE SHOW IS A HALF HOUR TOO LONG 456 00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:04,567 IF YOU ASK ME. 457 00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:06,867 NEXT WEEK WE'RE DOING A WEB 458 00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:09,727 REMATCH WITH THESE GUYS. 459 00:18:09,733 --> 00:18:17,103 >> THEY'RE BOTH DRUNK AS [BEEP] 460 00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,870 >> KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD. 461 00:18:18,867 --> 00:18:20,467 >> WHAT IS THAT, WHAT THE [BEEP] 462 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,297 IS THAT. 463 00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:23,730 >> AS USUAL IN BOXING THIS FIGHT 464 00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:25,573 WILL NOT LIVE UP TO THE HYPE. 465 00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:27,897 BE SURE TO FOLLOW ME ON TWIT 466 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:29,900 TORE LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS. 467 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,800 COME SEE ME ON THE TOSH TOUR 468 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,500 NIGHTS AND THIS WEEK IN HERMOSA 469 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:34,800 BEACH. 470 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,670 ALL OF THE INFORMATION IS ON OUR 471 00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:36,967 BLOG. 472 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:40,397 IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW I LOVE 473 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:40,730 DESERTS. 474 00:18:40,733 --> 00:18:44,133 THAT'S WHY I OPENED UP MY OWN 475 00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:47,173 BAKERY TOSH.DOUGH. 476 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:51,427 LET'S GO ON-LINE AND READ YOUR 477 00:18:51,433 --> 00:18:51,803 RESRAOUSS. 478 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,070 KATY WRITES: THE YEAST INFECTION 479 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,167 CONFECTION IS MOUTH WATERING AND 480 00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:01,167 THE DOUCHE BAGUETTE. 481 00:19:01,167 --> 00:19:02,867 THIS IS A BLACK FREE ENVIRONMENT 482 00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,827 FOR AND YOU YOUR FAMILY. 483 00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:06,303 SHOCKING THE GUY FROM NORTH 484 00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,430 CAROLINA IS RACIST. 485 00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:08,803 WE'RE NOT BLACK FREE. 486 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,200 WE EVEN GAVE THEM THEIR OWN 487 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:12,530 SECTION. 488 00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:16,233 BRANDON WHAT THE [BEEP] IS 489 00:19:16,233 --> 00:19:16,633 YELLED. 490 00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:19,073 IT'S A WEBSITE WHERE GIRLS 491 00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:21,067 DECIDE WHAT YOU SHOULD WASTE 492 00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:22,727 MONEY ON THEM FOR. 493 00:19:22,733 --> 00:19:24,773 OPRAH EATS THERE. 494 00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:27,197 GET THERE BEFORE HER, WHAT I'M 495 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:27,530 SAYING. 496 00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,733 LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH 497 00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:32,773 LIKE HIS SHOW. 498 00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,797 SILENT K FROM FLORIDA, YOU CAME 499 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,300 A LONG WAY. 500 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,570 THE BAKERY SHOP IS NOT REAL. 501 00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:41,267 BUYER BEWARE IF YOU SEARCH YOU 502 00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:43,167 WILL NOT FIND IT. 503 00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:45,397 HEY, BUDDY, WE'RE TRYING TO DO A 504 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,470 BIT HERE. 505 00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:49,427 JAY WRITES, I GUESS I DIDN'T GET 506 00:19:49,433 --> 00:19:50,633 AIDS THERE IS THAT. 507 00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:52,403 COME OUT FOR OUR HIS WHICH IS 508 00:19:52,400 --> 00:20:00,530 ON THE HOUSE.BISCOTTI, S 509 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,333 IT WAS GOOD THE FIRST TIME I 510 00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:04,533 WENT BUT IT'S GONE DOWNHILL. 511 00:20:04,533 --> 00:20:07,533 NOW I GO BACK EVERY TUESDAY TO 512 00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:10,503 SEE IF THINGS GET BETTER. 513 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:11,600 WAIT, THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE 514 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,170 TALKING ABOUT THE VOICE. 515 00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,997 I THINK THIS MANI IS A 516 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:15,370 PEDOPHILE. 517 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,927 I CAN'T BE SURE. 518 00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:20,073 GOOD ECLAIRS THOUGH. 519 00:20:20,067 --> 00:20:20,967 YOU CAN BE SURE. 520 00:20:20,967 --> 00:20:23,097 THEY ARE GREAT ECLAIRS. 521 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:26,000 I CAME IN AND ASKED FOR A 522 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,370 CHOCOLATE DONUT AND WAS PROMPTLY 523 00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:29,697 [BEEP]. 524 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,430 THAT'S WHY WE GOT A "B" ON THE 525 00:20:32,433 --> 00:20:32,773 WINDOW. 526 00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:34,227 TOSH FANS ARE NOT FUNNY. 527 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,873 COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE. 528 00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:40,497 THANKS, FOODIES, GOOD NIGHT. 529 00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:42,873 [ APPLAUSE ] 32599

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