Original subtitles

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[hip-hop music]

[cheers and applause]

- EVERYONE FROM JACKASS IS DYING.

[audience groans and laughs]

WELCOME TO TOSH.0,

AN EMMY-CONSIDERED SHOW.

WE'RE NOT NOMINATED, BUT I'M TOLD

WE ARE BEING CONSIDERED.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE HAVE A FART-FELT WEB REDEMPTION,

I HELP YOU STAY POSITIVE,

AND I TAKE YOUR PHONE CALLS.

NOW LET'S GO BACK AND WATCH

HOW A GOOD FRIEND KEEPS THE CAMERA ROLLING

AND DOESN'T HELP AT ALL.

[audience ohs]

IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S OKAY.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A $20 TOY

COULDN'T HANDLE A TWO-STORY FALL?

[audience ohs]

WHAT ABOUT HIS PARENTS?

THEY HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THEIR SON DIED ON A RAZOR SCOOTER.

HE'S NOT DEAD.

BUT HE'LL DRIVE HIS NEXT SCOOTER WITH A STRAW.

I COULD MAKE THAT ON A SEGWAY.

[wheels screech]

WAS THAT THE FIRST 900 ON A SEGWAY?

SUCK IT, TONY HAWK.

HERE'S PROOF THAT MOST CAR ACCIDENTS HAPPEN

WITHIN TEN FEET OF YOUR HOME.

[audience ohs]

ACCORDING TO J.D. POWER AND ASSOCIATES,

THAT TRUCK HAS THE BEST KILLING CAPACITY IN ITS CLASS.

[laughter and applause]

"UH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY INTERNAL BLEEDING.

JUST MAKE SURE THE TRUCK'S OKAY."

ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT."

THAT'S WHERE YOU AT HOME GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

[audience ohs]

DID YOU GUESS HE WAS GONNA GET RUN OVER BY ANOTHER TRUCK?

OH, DEJA VU REALLY HURTS.

RUN ME OVER ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.

RUN ME OVER TWICE-- COME ON, GUYS.

STOP RUNNING ME OVER.

RELAX.

THAT OLD MAN IS BUILT FORD TOUGH.

NOW GET OFF THE DRIVEWAY BEFORE THE THIRD TRUCK COMES.

I APPLAUD THIS NEXT GAL FOR NOT LETTING

INCLEMENT WEATHER GET IN THE WAY OF HER WOMANLY DUTIES.

[audiencohs]

THAT'S WHY FEMALES SHOULD BE REQUIRED

TO WEAR HELMETS AT ALL TIMES.

[audience ohs]

I'M GLAD THEY FINALLY RELEASED THE KATRINA BLOOPER REELS.

NOW SHE'S IN REAL TROUBLE.

WHAT'S HER HUSBAND GONNA HAVE FOR DINNER?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IF YOU LADIES

CAN DO A LITTLE BETTER ON DRY LAND.

- [gasps] WHOA!

- DID SHE JUST GET SHOT?

THIS IS WHY YOU GIRLS ARE SO EASY TO KIDNAP.

IF YOU SLOW IT DOWN, YOU CAN SEE THE PROBLEM.

YEP, THERE IT IS.

SHE'S A WOMAN.

NO, I GET IT.

SOMETIMES PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF ANOTHER

CAN BE DIFFICULT.

SHE'S STILL MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE OTHER GIRL

AND ISN'T THAT REALLY WHAT MATTERS?

CHECK OUT THIS NEXT ASSHOLE.

[audience groans]

[audience ohs]

- [screaming]

[audience ohs]

- HIS BOYFRIEND IS GONNA LOVE THIS.

HE JUST CUT HIS WIPING TIME IN HALF.

BUT TO MAKE THAT GOOCH REALLY BEAUTIFUL,

YOU NEED TO BLEACH IT.

I MEAN, IN THIS DAY AND AGE, MANSCAPING HAS BECOME THE NORM.

AND IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR THAT YOU LADIES

GET TO GO TO A RELAXING SPA WHILE MEN HAVE TO HUNCH OVER

IN THEIR BATHROOM AND GET PUBES ALL OVER THE SINK.

I SAY, "NO MORE."

THAT'S WHY I OPENED UP THE WORLD'S FIRST BALLBERSHOP.

- WHOO!

HOW YOU WANT YOUR HAIR DONE?

- JUST TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE BOTTOM

AND A LOT OFF THE TOP, PLEASE.

- ONE HAIRY TRUMAN COMING UP!

YOU WANT THE BACK ROUNDED OR SQUARED?

- ROUND THAT [bleep] UP.

- AH, A GENTLEMEN'S CUT.

- AND CAN YOU GO A LITTLE LOWER?

- HEY, THIS IS A BALLBERSHOP, NOT A TAINTERSHOP.

- I SHAVED DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.'S BALLS ONE TIME.

- MAN, YOU LYING!

YOU AIN'T NEVER SHAVED NO MARTIN LUTHER KING THE JR.'S BALLS.

- I DID!

THE MAN HAD BEAUTIFUL BALLS.

ROCKY MARCIANO IS THE GREATEST FIGHTER WHO EVER LIVED.

- OH, THERE THEY GO. THERE THEY GO.

EVERY TIME WE START TALKING ABOUT BOXING,

A WHITE MAN GOT TO PULL ROCKY MARCIANO OUT THEIR ASS.

ROCKY MARCIANO.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ONCE AND FOR ALL.

ROCKY MARCIANO WAS GOOD,

BUT COMPARED TO JOE LOUIS, ROCKY MARCIANO AIN'T [bleep].

- HE BEAT JOE LOUIS'S ASS.

- KNOCK IT OFF, LITTLE D.

YOU GET BACK TO SWEEPING THOSE PUBES.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL SET.

- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

- NO SHAMPOO? UH, $15.

- AND DON'T FORGET THE TIP,

YOU BABY-BALLED BASTARD.

- [laughs]

- PLAYING EVERY CHARACTER'S NOT THAT HARD.

INSERT BLACK COMEDIAN'S NAME HERE.

EDDIE MURPHY, TYLER PERRY, MARTIN LAWRENCE...

ANYBODY WITH THE LAST NAME "WAYANS."

WHAT'S NEXT?

[cheers and applause]

[audience ohs]

DO YOU STILL HAVE TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS

IF SHE BURNS ALIVE?

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THIS HOT-ASS,

UNDERAGE LATINA IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

THIS IS A QUINCEANERA, WHICH IS A PARTY

MEXICAN PEOPLE THROW FOR 15-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

WHEN THEY GET THEIR TUBES TIED.

IT'S AS IMPORTANT TO THEIR CULTURE

AS WISPY MUSTACHES AND LOPEZ TONIGHT.

AH, HERE COMES THE TRADITIONAL DRINK OF THE QUINCEANERA--

THE IRISH CAR BOMB.

I HOPE HER KIDS ARE HERE TO SEE THIS MAGICAL MOMENT.

SHE'S BEEN A MOTHER FOR YEARS,

BUT TODAY SHE BECOMES A WOMAN.

AWW, FIESTA FOUL.

AYE, PAPI.

THAT SIZZLING SOUND IS EITHER HER OR THE FAJITAS.

HERE COME THE FIRST RESPONDERS.

NOW IT'S A PARTY.

DID HE JUST SCORE A GOAL?

THAT GUY'S BEEN WAITING TO TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF ALL NIGHT.

FIRE BEATS FABRIC, MUCHACHO.

WHOEVER BLOWS HER OUT GETS TO MAKE A WISH.

LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S WAY MORE FUN THAN A PINATA,

BUT STOP BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF HER

AND SOMEONE GET SOME AGUA BEFORE HER SKIN MELTS.

LET'S KEEP IT GOING, BECAUSE AFTER THE PARTY,

IT'S THE BURN WARD LOBBY.

I'M JUST GLAD THERE ARE A TON OF HOUSEKEEPERS THERE

TO CLEAN UP AFTERWARDS.

AND FOR THAT, WE SAY, "CABO SAN LUCAS."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB REDEMPTION.

BUT FIRST, HERE'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

ON A MOVING WALKWAY.

- FINAL CALL FOR PASSENGERS OF AIR FRANCE

AND LUFTA AIRLINES FLIGHT AF1383

FROM PARIS, GATE D--

[cheers and applause]

- CHRISTIAN SUMMERS THINKS

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES IS FUN.

ACCORDING TO HIS SCHOOL BUS DRIVER,

HE ALSO THINKS PASSING GAS IS FUN.

- IT WAS A ACCIDENT.

- WE LAUGH WHEN IT HAPPENS.

- CHRISTIAN NOW FEARS HIS FLATULENCE.

IF HE'S CAUGHT PASSING GAS ON THE BUS AGAIN,

HE COULD GET DETENTION.

- DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH MORE GAS HE HAS.

- THAT'S CHRISTIAN AND HE WAS CONCEIVED IN A DUTCH OVEN.

HIS GAS IS SO BAD THAT WHEN HE LETS ONE RIP,

IT'S THE LEAD STORY ON THE LOCAL NEWS.

A SCHOOL BUS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO PLAY THE STINK WHISTLE.

YOU THINK HE'S GONNA FLOAT AN AIR BISCUIT

IN SCIENCE CLASS AROUND ALL THOSE BUNSEN BURNERS?

THAT'S DANGEROUS.

IT'S NOT FAIR THAT THE HUSKY KIDS ALWAYS GET ACCUSED

OF UNLEASHING A THUNDER DUMPLING.

IT'S NOT THAT THEY FART MORE.

THEIR ASSES JUST HAVE AMAZING ACOUSTICS.

BLOWING THE MUD TRUMPET IS A GAMBLE EACH TIME.

IS IT GONNA BE HILARIOUS OR AM I GONNA BE WALKING AROUND

WITH A PUDDING HAMMOCK IN MY PANTS?

EVERYBODY BUTT-BURPS.

IT'S YOUR BODY'S SMELLY WHISPER TO THE WORLD.

ATTENTION, EVERYONE.

IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN,

THERE'S A HUGE LOG OF [bleep] SWIMMING INSIDE OF ME.

YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE IT AS YOU WOULD A GLASS OF WINE.

SO TAKE IN THAT FULL-BODY FLATULENCE

WITH IT'S RICH BOUQUET OF RANCID CHEESE

AND A HINT OF VLADE DIVAC'S GYM BAG.

FARTING IS FUNNY, AND GIRLS DON'T FART.

YOU DO THE MATH.

MAYBE IF YOU DID FIRE OUT OF YOUR BROWN BALLOON KNOT,

I'D WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU MORE THAN SIX MINUTES A DAY.

INSTEAD, WOMEN QUEEF, WHICH IS UTTERLY DISGUSTING

AND NOT A LAUGHING MATTER.

LADIES, KNOCK IT OFF WITH YOUR POON POOTS.

WE DON'T WANT SEX INTERRUPTED WITH YOUR VAGINA'S IMPRESSION

OF A CLOGGED WET-DRY VAC.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM FAIR THAT CHRISTIAN GOT IN TROUBLE

FOR DOING SOMETHING THAT GAVE MIKE MYERS A CAREER.

HE DIDN'T DESERVE TO GET THROWN UNDER THE FART BUS,

SO WE'VE BROUGHT HIM OUT TO L.A. TO CLEAR THE AIR

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

I JUST ENJOY SPANKING KIDS WITH A PADDLE.

NOW GET IN HERE, FARTSY.

HAVE A SEAT, CHRISTIAN.

- [flatulence]

- OH, THAT'S RICH!

GIVE ME THAT.

[flatulence]

WHY ARE YOU SO GASSY?

- I DON'T KNOW. [flatulence]

- CAN YOU SPEAK UP?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER--

- I DON'T KNOW. [flatulence]

- ONE MORE TIME.

- I DON'T KNOW. [flatulence]

[varying flatulence continues]

- IT REALLY DOES STILL MAKE ME LAUGH.

I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU GET.

THAT'S JUST GOOD FUN.

TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS, CHRISTIAN,

WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

- I JUST FARTED ON THE BUS.

- HOW DID PEOPLE REACT WHEN YOU FARTED ON THE BUS?

- THEY STARTED LAUGHING.

- DID THEY POINT AT YOU AND SAY, "HE DID IT"?

- MM-HMM.

- HOW OLD WAS THE BUS DRIVER?

- 43. - A WOMAN OR MAN?

- WOMAN.

- WOMEN DON'T APPRECIATE FARTS.

THEY NEVER WILL.

DID THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MAKE FUN OF YOU AFTER THIS?

- "FART BOY." - THEY CALL YOU "FART BOY"?

THAT'S NOT A BAD NICKNAME. DO YOU LIKE IT OR NO?

- I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.

- I KIND OF LIKE IT TOO. "FART BOY."

MAYBE ONE DAY YOU'LL GROW INTO FART MAN.

- YEP. - THEN FART GRANDPA.

- [flatulence] - DID YOU JUST FART?

- NO. - I THINK YOU DID.

POSSIBLY? - I MOVED MY LEG AND--

- AH, WELL, MAKE YOUR LEG MAKE THAT NOISE AGAIN.

OH, THAT'S WEIRD HOW IT DOESN'T WORK NOW.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT YOUR FART SMELT LIKE THAT DAY.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- HAVE YOU EVER CRAPPED YOUR PANTS?

- NO.

- THREE TIMES AS AN ADULT,

I'VE CRAPPED MY PANTS.

DO YOU LIKE SMELLING YOUR OWN FARTS?

YOU EVER TRY TO LIGHT YOUR FART?

DO YOU ONLY FART ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?

ARE YOU A WET OR DRY DEALER?

I GET STAINS IN MY UNDERWEAR. I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

SINCE THIS INCIDENT, HAVE YOU STARTED DOING KEGEL EXERCISES?

WOULD YOU CONSIDER CHILI A CEREAL?

DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE THREE O'CLOCK HIGH?

- NO.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOUR FATHER DOWN HERE.

ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT THAT? - NO.

- THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THESE KIDS TODAY.

SEND IN MR. SUMMER.

NOW!

HELLO. - HELLO.

- [flatulence]

DO YOU MIND IF I "ASS" YOU A FEW QUESTIONS?

- RIGHT.

- WHAT'S YOUR FART POLICY IN THE HOUSEHOLD?

- WE'RE GUYS. WE DO IT.

- WOULD YOU SAY YOUR SON IS A CHIP OFF THE OLD BUTT?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- WERE YOU SURPRISED AT HOW POPULAR THE VIDEO BECAME?

- IN A WAY, YES, I WAS.

- WHAT IS EMILY VALDEZ UP TO?

SHE SEEMS LIKE QUITE A NUMBER.

- YEAH, SHE IS PRETTY HOT.

- WAS SHE PRETTY IN PERSON?

- CROOKED EYE.

- SHE HAD A CROOKED EYE?

- [laughs]

- OOH, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.

COMPLETE DEAL BREAKER.

- THAT'S THE FIRST THING HE NOTICED.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED IN A WINGMAN.

YOU NEED SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.

- YEAH, EXACTLY.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL THIS FART TALK HAS GOT ME HUNGRY.

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE A STUDENT OFF CAMPUS

JUST TO GET TO KNOW THEM ON A MORE PERSONAL LEVEL.

LET'S MAKE A RUN FOR THE BORDER.

- DO I HAVE TO? - YES!

I'M TELLING YOU, GET IN THERE ON THE BEANS.

THIS IS THINKING OUTSIDE THE BUN.

THIS IS A SOLID FOURTH MEAL.

MMM!

YOU SLOWING DOWN?

- NO.

- I LIKE TO EAT HEAVY AND I'M GOOD TO GO.

- ALL RIGHT, THIS MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST MEAL,

BUT WE DON'T WANT TO MISS THE BUS.

YOU WANT TO GET A BURRITO TO GO?

MAKE IT TWO!

YEAH, SHORT BUS.

I DON'T LIKE TO BE BEHIND YOU.

ALL RIGHT, THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YES, I AM. [flatulence]

- GET TO THE BACK OF THE BUS.

YOU KNOW THE RULES.

NOT YOU. THE FARTER.

- OOH-WHOO!

SMELL LIKE DEATH BACK HERE!

- COME BACK HERE.

WE'LL MAKE ROOM FOR YOU.

- HOW COME EVERY TIME I COME ON THE BUS,

YOU ON THE BUS WITH THAT LITTLE RAT?

LOOK AT THIS FILTHY-ASS DOG.

WHOO! OH, GOD.

YOU SMELL LIKE A BUFFALO.

WHAT YOU FEEDING THAT STINKING DOG?

HE SMELL LIKE BUTTERMILK AND SARDINES.

YOU SUPPOSED TO BE POOTING.

A WOMAN SUPPOSED TO POOT, NOT FART.

DON'T NOBODY COME IN THE FART SECTION

FOR THE NEXT 35 TO 45 MINUTES!

- GET TO THE BACK OF THE BUS.

- NO, I WILL NOT.

I HAVE A DREAM

THAT SOMEDAY, PEOPLE WILL NOT BE JUDGED

BY THE SMELL OF THEIR FARTS,

BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR COLON.

- PREACH!

- I HAVE A DREAM THAT ONE DAY,

HE WHO SMELT IT WON'T BE AFRAID THAT HE ALSO DEALT IT.

I HAVE A DREAM THAT WHEN WE LET FARTS RING,

WE WILL BE ABLE JOIN HANDS AND SING IN THE WORDS

OF THE OLD FARTING SPIRITUAL.

FART AT LAST. FART AT LAST.

THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE SHALL FART AT LAST.

[cheers and applause]

- LET US OUT! LET US OUT!

- WHOO!

[flatulence] AH!

OH, MAN!

THAT ONE'S WET.

I THINK I [bleep] MYSELF.

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT WE ARE EMMY-CONSIDERED?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, INCOMING.

- MISSED THE TOP.

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[applause]

- HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DREAMS THAT'S--

THAT YOU--UM, YOU HAD-- YOU--YOU WE--

YOU COULD--YOU DO--YOU WI-- YOU WANTS--YOU--

YOU COULD DO SO-- YOU--YOU DO--YOU COULD--

YOU--YOU WANTED--

YOU WANT HIM TO DO YOU SO MUCH YOU COULD DO ANYTHING?

- I COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT BETTER MYSELF.

THERE IS SO MUCH NEGATIVITY ON THE INTERNET.

IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE SOMEBODY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

BEFORE EACH SHOW, I WATCH THIS NEXT VIDEO

TO MOTIVATE ME TO COME OUT HERE

AND BRING HUMOR TO YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS.

MAYBE IT'LL HELP YOU AS MUCH AS IT'S HELPED ME.

[inspiring music]

*

IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO GO OUT

AND GLUE A MONKEY TO A DOG, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU

THAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN LIFE.

LOOK AT WHAT OLIVIA MUNN HAS ACCOMPLISHED.

SHE'S A SLIGHTLY ABOVE-AVERAGE-LOOKING GIRL

WHO PLAYED A VIDEO GAME ONCE AND NOW HAS TRICKED THE WORLD

INTO BELIEVING SHE DESERVES THE TOP SPOT

IN AN IRRELEVANT PG PORN MAGAZINE.

ONLY IN AMERICA.

MAYBE I'M WRONG, BUT I PREFER SOMEONE

WHO'S PRETTY OR TALENTED.

YOU WANT INSPIRATIONAL AND SEX APPEAL?

YOU GUYS CAN KEEP OLIVIA.

I'M ROLLING WITH A NEW HIP-HOP ARTIST

THAT REALLY PUTS THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE.

PLEASE WELCOME M.C. CRIPPLE WITH SWAGG.

[rap music]

- * I'VE HAD SEX WITH NORMIES

* THEY WERE PELTING MY ASS

* AND ONCE THEY GO CRIPPLE

* WELL, THEY JUST AIN'T NEVER BEEN BACK *

* MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED

* VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED

* SO WHAT? I CAN'T WALK *

* MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED

* VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED

* VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED

- "MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED.

"SO WHAT? I CAN'T WALK.

MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED."

PLEASE DON'T BE DISRESPECTFUL AND DANCE TO THAT SONG.

BE SURE TO GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM THE OTHER OTHER GUYS.

- FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING

THE TWINS OF THE YEAR AWARD.

- THANK YOU. WE'RE VERY HONORED.

- SO HOW WOULD YOU TWO DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

- WE'RE JUST TOTALLY CONNECTED, YOU KNOW?

OUR BRAINS ARE SO IN TUNE WITH EACH OTHER.

- TOTALLY. - IT'S CRAZY.

SOMETIMES WE EVEN FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES.

- [bleep]

- I CUNT BELIEVE THEY BLEEPED THAT OUT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CUNT.

[applause]

[applause]

- WELCOME BACK.

HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR SUMMER VACATION.

I DON'T GET ONE, BECAUSE I'M ADULT.

NEXT WEEK, THE PHILLY TASE FAN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

WHEN ARE WE JUST GONNA REDEEM THE ENTIRE CITY OF PHILLY?

HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG

OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE.

AND TOSH.0 WILL BE SPONSORING ITS FIRST-EVER MARATHON

IN HERMOSA BEACH JULY 8TH.

PLEASE COME OUT AND SHOW YOUR SUPPORT.

AND FINALLY, A LOT OF CELEBRITIES

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEIR FANS THROUGH TWITTER,

BUT I LIKE TO BE A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL.

SO I TWEETED OUT MY PHONE NUMBER

AND LET YOU CALL ME AT WORK TO ASK ME ANYTHING.

[phone rings]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YEAH.

[dial tone]

I'VE NEVER DONE GAY PORN.

NOW, HAVE I EVER FILMED MYSELF MAKING LOVE TO ANOTHER MAN?

THAT'S A DIFFERENT QUESTION, BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK THAT.

HELLO? - WHO IS THIS?

- THIS IS DANIEL. WHO IS THIS?

- OH, MY GOD!

I CAN'T HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE 12 OR NOT.

OH, WELL, THEN IT'S 7 INCHES.

[dial tone]

THANK YOU, DEON.

I APPRECIATE THAT I HAVE THE SUPPORT OF YOU

AND ALL OF THE BLACK FOLKS.

[phone rings]

UGH.

I THINK--I THINK I'D GO STRAWBERRY.

DO YOU KNOW THERE'S LESS CALORIES

IN STRAWBERRY CALYPSO LEMONADE

THAN IN REGULAR LEMONADE?

TELL ME WHAT A [bleep] MIND FREAK THAT IS.

[phone rings] HELLO?

[bleep], A LITTLE.

[phone rings]

HELLO?

WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE?

- UH...

- [laughs]

WHERE AM I BASED OUT OF?

ARE YOU A MANIAC?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU,

MY BASE CAMP IS HERE IN CALIFORNIA.

THAT IS SO TIGHT.

[phone rings] - HELLO?

- HEY, IT'S DANIEL. WHAT'S UP?

FIVE MINUTES UNDER THE RECOMMENDED BAKING TIME

AND THEN LET THEM SIT ON THE SHEET

FOR A GOOD THREE TO FOUR MINUTES BEFORE YOU SCOOP THEM OFF.

I REALLY DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT?

I WENT CRAZY UNDERDONE

AND THEN ROLLED THEM IN A FRESH CREPE,

UH, AND THEN PUT POWDERED SUGAR,

A LITTLE CHOCOLATE SYRUP, SOME WHIPPED CREAM,

AND STRAWBERRIES, AND BLEW MY MIND.

THEN SHORTLY AFTER THAT, BLEW MY B-HOLE.

[phone rings]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

I AM NOT DATING ANYONE AND THERE IS A CHANCE

THAT YOU COULD DATE ME.

NO.

[laughter and applause]

THAT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL.

I MET SOMEONE SPECIAL AND SHE'S HERE WITH ME TONIGHT.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[cheers and applause]

- HAVE YOU EVER CRAPPED YOUR PANTS?

- NO.

- THREE TIMES AS AN ADULT,

I'VE CRAPPED MY PANTS.

ONE LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN,

ONE AUSTIN, TEXAS, AND ONE IN MY KITCHEN.

THAT ONE I'M NOT PROUD ABOUT.

THAT'S WHY I NORMALLY WEAR A DARKER PAIR OF UNDERWEAR.

YOU EVER TRY TO LIGHT YOUR FART?

- NO. - YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

I HAVE TO SAY THAT 'CAUSE WE'RE ON TV.

NOW, THE REALITY IS IT'S REALLY TRICKY TO DO.

YOU NEED A GOOD FRIEND. THAT'S WHAT I SAY.