Original subtitles

THAT'S MY WORD.

I'M UP FOR ANYTHING.

PUT A GRAND ON IT.

GIVE ME 2 G'S.

>> TRYING TO DO ME.

THAT'S BLOOD.

>> SOMETIMES THE ICKY CAN BE A

LITTLE TOO STICKY.

>> OOH, EW, PUT IT IN THE AIR.

>> WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL FORGIVE

TRACY MORGAN AND GO BACK TO JUST

HATING HIM FOR THE MOVIE COP

OUT.

>> TONIGHT ON THE SHOW

THE WORST HEAVY METAL BAND IN

THE WORLD GETS REDEEMED

I TRY TO HIT A 97 MPH CURVE

BALL

AND WE LOOK AT SOME VIEWER MAIL.

>> ALRIGHT, LET'S WATCH THAT GUY

PUFF-PUFF PASS OUT AGAIN.

>> YOU SMOKE LIKE THAT.

[COUGHING].

>> YOU GOTTA COUGH TO GET OFF.

[COUGHING]

>> LEAN BACK.

LEAN BACK.

AH, THAT'S TOO FAR.

>> THAT'S TOO

DANGIT.

I REALLY WANTED TO HEAR THE REST

OF HIS FREESTYLE.

>> YOU KNOW THIS DOWNSTAIRS

NEIGHBORS HATE IT WHEN HE

SMOKES.

I LOVE THE WAY HE LIES.

THIS NEXT KID NEEDS TO CHANGE

HIS DIAPER.

ROH-ROH.

SCOOBY'S GOT A REAL MOUTHFUL.

>> SEEMS LIKE HE'S WAY TOO OLD

TO BE IN A DIAPER.

>> YOU COULD THROW THIS BABY

DOWN A WELL AND GET LIKE A

MILLION WISHES.

>> HE HAS A WEIRD TOOTH FAIRY.

>> I'M NO JIM CRAMER, BUT HIS

UNDERWEAR HAS A PHENOMENAL

INTEREST RATE.

HIT THE BULLHORN.

THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY MONEY.

SHARE SOME CHANGE.

OH, HOLD ON.

>> LET ME SEE.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

HERE YOU GO.

>> YOU'LL BE GOOD BOY TO YOUR

NEW HOMELESS DADDY.

>> HEY, THANKS.

>> DADDY.

>> NO PROBLEM.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE HAPPY

TOGETHER.

THEY BOTH LIKE TO TAKE [BLEEP]

IN PUBLIC.

>> I HAVE NO OBJECTION TO THIS

NEXT VIDEO.

FLOPPING ON THE COURT.

THAT MUST BE MANU JENOVI'S MOM.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ACTING THIS GOOD

IN A COURTROOM SINCE LAST WEEK'S

FRANKLIN AND BASH.

SHE NEEDS TO HIRE FRANKLIN AND

BASH.

ACTUALLY MAYBE JUST BASH.

FRANKLIN'S A BIT OF A WILD CARD.

>> EVEN THE COURT REPORTER ON

FRANKLIN AND BASH WROTE, "WHAT A

[BLEEP]."

>> I HAVEN'T SEEN HIJINKS LIKE

THAT SINCE FRANKLIN AND BASH

SHOWED UP TO THE COURTROOM IN

BATHING SUITS.

>> IF FRANKLIN & BASH KEEP

GOOFING OFF, MR. BELDING IS

GOING TO COME IN AND YELL,

"HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT IS GOING ON

HERE?"

LATER SHE WAS AWARDED $17

MILLION.

NICE WORK FRANKLIN, AND BASH?

>> AH, YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE

FRANKLIN AND BASH?

OVERRULED!

>> HERE'S SOMETHING I'M SURE

WE'VE ALL WANTED TO DO.

>> AND THAT WAS THE YEAR A CAR

WON THE TOUR DE FRANCE.

>> TO BE FAIR, IT REALLY IS

ANNOYING WHEN THEY DON'T STAY IN

THE BIKE LANE.

>> YOU GOT FAHRVENUGENED.

>> NO ONE GOT HURT BECAUSE THEY

WERE ALL ON STEROIDS.

>> AND IT HAD A HAPPY ENDING.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

WHY?

BECAUSE FRANKLIN AND BASH GOT

THE DRIVER TO SETTLE OUT OF

COURT.

>> I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE SPORT.

IT'S WHERE YOU SEE HOW FAR YOU

CAN THROW A CRACKHEAD.

>> GOOD TO SEE THE OAKLAND

RAIDERS STAYING IN SHAPE DURING

THE LOCKOUT.

>> OKAY, TECHNICALLY, THE

CRACKHEAD HAS TO STICK INTO THE

GROUND FOR THE THROW TO COUNT.

>> THIS IS THE ONLY SPORT WHERE

THE EQUIPMENT IS ON DRUGS.

>> HE'S ALSO PRETTY GOOD AT

BOUNCING CHECKS.

>> NICE THROW.

WINNER GETS A BJ FROM THE

JUNKIE.

>> WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

WE HAVE SIMILAR COMPETITIONS IN

MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

GOOD SHOT SON.

YOU OUTDROVE ME AGAIN.

THANKS DAD.

YOU'RE REALLY SUPPORTIVE.

REMEMBER.

DON'T EVER DO CRACK.

NO WAY.

>> ALRIGHT, TURNS OUT OUR

NEIGHBORHOODS ARE PRETTY

DIFFERENT.

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

SEE THE BULLET.

YES, SIR.

NOW READY.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THIS?

>> DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS REDNECK

SEASON ALREADY.

>> DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

NOW YOU CAN'T SUE US OVER THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

>> IN THE BIBLE BELT, A KEVLAR

VEST IS CONSIDERED FORMAL WEAR.

AND THESE APPALACHIAN EINSTEINS

HAVE COME UP WITH A SURE-FIRE

WAY TO TEST WHETHER THEIR

BULLETPROOF VEST IS ACTUALLY

BULLET PROOF.

>> MAN, THIS IS SO DANGEROUS.

I MEAN, WITH ALL THE LITERATURE

OUT THERE TODAY, WHY WOULD

ANYONE BE SMOKING?

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO DO?

>> YEAH, OF COURSE HE'S WILLING

TO DO THIS.

GUNS ARE VERY PERSUASIVE.

JUST TRY POINTING ONE AT A BANK

TELLER.

>> I WAS ROOTING FOR A HEAD

SHOT.

>> HE TAKES A LITTLE STROLL

AROUND HIS BEAUTIFUL PROPERTY.

WHAT IS THAT?

A 3 SHACK, 2 AND A HALF CRAPPER?

>> YOU GUN CONTROL LOBBYISTS CAN

SUCK IT.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A

COUNTRY WHERE BIG GOVERNMENT

SAYS I CAN'T SHOOT MY BUDDY AT

NEAR POINT BLANK RANGE.

>> COME ON, NOW.

THAT'S JUST CHILDISH.

>> BUT THAT IS A GOOD LESSON FOR

YOU YOUNGSTERS: AFTER YOU SHOOT

SOMEONE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO WORK

THE BODY.

HOLY COW.

WOW, MAN.

DID I HIT YOU.

>> SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND

YOU'RE TO BLAME

YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.

>> WAS THAT A SKI JACKET?

>> HOW YOU DOING.

HANG 10.

HANG 10.

>> HE'S NOT EVEN ALIVE, HE'S

JUST RUNNING ON METH AT THIS

POINT.

>> DON'T WORRY, I'M SURE THERE'S

AN UNLICENSED HORSE DOCTOR IN

THE VICINITY WHO CAN DISLODGE IT

WITH SOME PLIERS, AND FOR THAT

WE THANK YOU.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

WEB REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST

IT'S OUR [BLEEP] OF THE WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

>> IT WAS EITHER LET THEM PLAY

OR HAVE THEM SHOOT UP THE

SCHOOL.

CLEARLY, THEY MADE THE WRONG

CHOICE.

>> THAT WAS THE METAL CLUB AND

LIKE EVERY OTHER HEAVY METAL

BAND, THEY SUCK.

IT ALL SOUNDS THE SAME -- JUST

THREE CHORDS AND YELLING LIKE

COOKIE MONSTER.

IF I WANTED TO SEE DUDES SWEAT

AND SCREAM FOR A COUPLE OF

HOURS, I'D WATCH GAY PORN.

WHICH I DO.

METAL IS ALL ABOUT GIMMICKS.

YOU KNOW WHY

YOU KNOW WHY TEGAN AND SARA

DON'T HAVE TO CRAP ON A BIBLE OR

VOMIT A GALLON OF BLOOD?

BECAUSE THEIR SONGS ARE LOVELY.

I COULD NEVER BE A TRUE METAL

FAN SINCE I CAN'T WEAR ALL BLACK

EVERY DAY.

MY WARDROBE DEMANDS A SPLASH OF

COLOR.

THOUGH IT WOULD SAVE A TON OF

TIME SORTING LAUNDRY -- ANOTHER

LOAD OF DARKS.

>> AND STOP PLAYING SONGS

BACKWARDS.

SATAN DIDN'T HIDE ANY MESSAGES

IN THERE FOR YOU.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

>> SURE, MOSHING IS A GREAT WAY

TO BURN OFF THOSE EXTRA CALS

BUT NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS WHEN

THAT MANY ANGRY WHITE PEOPLE GET

TOGETHER.

>> HAVEN'T WE LEARNED ANYTHING

FROM GERMANY OR THE SOUTH?

METAL'S NOT THE GLORIOUS ART

FORM IT USED TO BE.

EVEN THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS HAS

TO SPEND HIS DAYS WITH AN AWFUL

WIFE, 17 TINY DOGS AND AN UGLY

DAUGHTER

WHO BRAGS ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT

SHE LOST BY NOT GETTING THE LAP

BAND SURGERY.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> BUT, LACK OF TALENT BE

DAMNED, YOU CAN'T BLAME THE

METAL CLUB FOR TRYING TO PUT ON

A GOOD SHOW.

>> THAT'S WHY I WENT TO SEATTLE,

FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, IN THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[DRUMS]

>> WHOA.

WHOA.

WHOA.

>> OKAY.

I APOLOGIZE FOR CRASHING INTO

YOUR BAND PRACTICE.

NOW I KNOW WHY KURT KILLED

HIMSELF.

IT'S THE HAIR IN THE MOUTH THAT

GETS IRRITATING AFTER A WHILE.

>> HOW BIG IS YOUR BAN.

OUR CLUB IS 12 PEOPLE

ALTOGETHER.

>> IT STARTED OUT WITH ABOUT 30.

AND THEN EVERYBODY QUIT.

>> WHAT WERE WE WATCHING IN THAT

VIDEO.

YOU WERE WATCHING OUR CLUB DOING

A MEDLEY OF METAL FOR ELEMENTARY

SCHOOLERS.

WHY DIDN'T THEY WATCH YOUR

MUSIC.

WHAT TUNE WERE YOU PLAYING.

>> EIGHT DIFFERENT SONG.

>> WHAT I HEARD WAS ONE CAT

HURTING ANOTHER CAT.

>> IT WAS EIGHT SONGS.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN MUSIC

LESSON.

WE'VE BEEN A CONCERT BAND

TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS.

>> HOW ABOUT SINGING LESSONS.

>> NO.

>> WHY DO YOU GO WITH TWO

VOCALISTS AND ONE GUITAR.

IS IT UNFAIR THAT THOSE KIDS

HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT AS THEIR

FIRST CONCERT EVER.

>> OURS IS BETTER THAN SOME OF

THE OTHER ONES.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT YOU GUYS

WERE DOING A GOOD JOB.

>> THE ONES AT THE HIGH SCHOOL

WENT WAY BETTER.

>> I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE SAME

THING.

ARE YOU UPSET YOU AREN'T INSIDE

A HOT TOPIC RIGHT NOW.

>> DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN.

>> I DO.

>> WHY DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN.

>> THEY ACCEPT EVERYBODY.

>> IT'S REBUT THE TALENT IS

THERE.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO FLY YOU

TO HOLLYWOOD AND GIVE YOU A

CHANCE TO PERFORM ON THE SUNSET

STRIP.

>> AWESOME.

>> IT'S PRETTY EXCITING.

I'M ALSO GOING TO BE YOUR

MANAGER.

THAT WILL ENTITLE TO ALMOST ALL

OF THE EARNINGS.

>> WELCOME TO THE ROXIE, BOYS

AND GIRLS.

>> WHY AREN'T YOU PARTYING, AND

DRINK.

>> WE DON'T DRINK.

>> YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR

GROUPIES.

>> MY APOLOGIES TO THE GIRLS.

>> ENJOY FELLOWS.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME.

>> MOST LIKELY YOU AND I WILL

END UP TOGETHER.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER.

>> TO SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK AND

ROLL.

DOES ANYBODY READ MY WRITER.

I DON'T LIKE BLUE M & M'S. M'S.

>> WHO'S READY FOR SOME HAIR

WIND.

>> OKAY.

I GOT ONE NEEDLE SO WE'RE GOING

TO SHARE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

KNOCK IT OFF.

GET OVER HERE.

LET'S HAVE A PRAYER.

DEAR JESUS THANK YOU FOR

EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE DONE FOR

US.

GIVE US A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

LET US ROCK LIKE WE'VE NEVER

ROCKED BEFORE.

THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL

CHEESE PLATTER THAT WE

DESTROYED.

ALLOW EVERYONE THAT COMES TO

TONIGHT'S PERFORMANCE BE BLESSED

BY OUR MUSIC.

MAKE SURE THAT THE VALET DOESN'T

STEAL ANYTHING FROM MY CAR.

MAKE SURE THAT GIRLS DON'T CATCH

ANYTHING VAGINALLY.

>> IN YOUR NAME WE PRAY, AMEN.

>> AMEN.U

>> LET'S DO IT!

[CHANTING]

>> IF YOU CAN'T ENTERTAIN.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR

YOU.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> YES.

>> LAY AN EGG.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

>> WHOO!

>> NOT AGAIN.

>> I DON'T CARE.

>> AT LEAST THOSE CHILDREN DIED

WITH A CATCHY TUNE IN THEIR

HEAD.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT

FIRST

>> HERE'S A SPANISH LESSON IN

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] NO

>> NO.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

>> MEET WIFFLE BOY, THE BEST

WIFFLE BALL PITCHER IN THE

WORLD, WHICH WILL OPEN UP ZERO

DOORS FOR HIM IN LIFE.

BUT I DON'T GIVE A CRAP HOW

RIDICULOUS THOSE PITCHES ARE, I

CAN TAKE ANYONE DEEP.

NICE TO MEET YOU WIFFLE.

ACTUALLY IT'S SEAN.

>> PREPARE TO BE EMBARRASSED.

>> YOU WANT A COUPLE OF WARMUPS.

ONE OR TWO.

>> AM I EXPOSED.

>> WHO.

HANG 5.

WHY YOU THROWING CHANGEUPS.

BRING THE HEAT.

I'LL TAKE MY BASE.

>> OH!

AH!

>> I GOT TO GET A DIFFERENT BAT.

>> PRETTY IMPRESSIVE SEAN.

NOW I'M GOING TO SEE IF YOU CAN

STRIKE OUT THREE OF MY PLAYERS A

TEAM 3.

TWO OF THEM ARE LATINO.

>> YOU EVER SEE THE MOVIE

WANTED.

DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

>> THE ONLY THING I REGRET DOING

WAS WEARING MY DOLCE & GABBANA

SUNGLASSES.

IT'S THE FACE.

WE'RE OKAY.

>> DON'T SHARE THAT.

I WONDER IF D & G IS GONNA DO

THE RIGHT THING...

>> DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR

BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE

CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM SICKANIMATION.COM.

YO.

MY DAD AND I WENT HUNTING.

THE OTHER DAY, AND WE HAD SO

MUCH FUN AND WE SAW A BIG ASS

BEAR.

FOR A SECOND I GOT REALLY

SCARED.

THEN IT CAME OUT OF THE BUSHES.

I HAD TO LAUGH BECAUSE THE BEAR

HAD [BLEEP].

THIS IS A BEAR HAD [BLEEP].

THE BIG ASS HAD A [BLEEP]

[BLEEP].

[SIRENS]

>> SO WE'RE ALLOWED TO SHOW YOU

THAT, BUT NOT ALLOWED TO TELL

YOU HOW TO LICK IT?

>> IT'S NO BRICKLEBERRY.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

BOB AND MARGARET.

>> WELCOME BACK TO ACT 4 OF

EPISODE 316.

STILL THE SUMMER OF EXPOSED

ARMS.

BARELY.

>> NEXT WEEK, WE ALL TAKE A RIDE

ON THE FART BUS.

CHRIS CLUN SUMMERS THINKS

VIDEOGAMES IS FUN ACCORDING TO A

SCHOOL BUS DRIVER HE ALSO

THINKING PASSING GAS IS FUN.

>> IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

CHRISTIAN NOW FEARS HIS

FLATULENCE IF HE CAUGHT PASSING

GAS ON THE BUS AGAIN HE COULD

GET DETENTION.

WHAT NEXT?

I CAN'T TAKE AN UPPER DECKER ON

AN AIRPLANE?

>> BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON

TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER

AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

>> TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR

MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE.

AND TOSH.0 WILL BE SPONSORING

ITS FIRST EVER MARATHON IN

HERMOSA BEACH JULY 8TH.

SO FAR, NOBODY FROM KENYA HAS

ENTERED.

SO, THIS COULD BE YOUR YEAR,

WHITES.

GO TO OUR BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS.

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR VIEWER

MALE.

>> A STAPLE OF EVERY BAD

TELEVISION SHOW.

HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY MAKE THIS

BIT DIFFERENT AND GAY?

I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

OUR VIEWER MALE IS JUST ME

CHECKING OUT OUR MALE VIEWERS

I ASKED YOU TO RECORD YOURSELVES

WATCHING MY SHOW

>> HE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT.

>> AND THIS MAN HAS DREAMY EYES.

>> I DON'T APPRECIATE ANYONE

LAYING SHIRTLESS ON A LEATHER

COUCH.

YOU FALL ASLEEP, YOU ROLL OVER

AND IT HURTS.

>> THIS SEEMS LIKE A VERY FUN

GROUP.

>> DAMN YOU, TEAM SIX.

YOU KILLED OFF ONE OF OUR MOST

IMPORTANT VIEWERS.

I HOPE HE DIDN'T HAVE A NEILSEN

BOX.

>> YOU KNOW, WHAT JUST OCCURRED

TO ME RIGHT NOW?

YOU'RE WATCHING ME, WATCHING

YOU, WATCHING ME.

MINDFREAK!

>> WAY TO COMMIT TO THE BIT, YOU

TWO.

>> SADLY, NONE OF THEM WERE

LAUGHING OR BLACK.

NOT GOOD.

>> ALRIGHT, CLOSE IT UP, PAUL.

THANKS FOR WATCHING.

GOODNIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU FORGIVING ME A TV

SHOW.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I

WAS DOING WHICH WAS MAKING A LOT

OF MONEY AND WORKING A LITTLE.

NOW I'M WORKING A LOT, AND

MAKING A LITTLE.

YOU WORK IN MYSTERIOUS.

I REALLY HAVE MY EYES CLOSED

WHICH IS USUALLY WHY DOUCHE BAGS

WEAR GLASSES BECAUSE YOU DON'T

HAVE.

RIGHT NOW MY EYES ARE CLOSED.