Original subtitles

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

>> I SPY SOMETHING MADE OF WOOD.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

A 30-MINUTE ESCAPE FROM YOUR

CRUMMY LIVES.

BY THE WAY, I'VE BEEN CLEAN AND

SOBER FOR SIX DAYS

THANK YOU.

I'M KIDDING.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW

THIS CHEER SQUAD GETS A WEB

REDEMPTION

WE TAKE A LESSON FROM MY

FAVORITE NEW SEXPERT

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA TO

MAKE YOU EAT BUTTER.

NOW SERIOUSLY, CAN ANYONE TELL

ME WHY THIS GUY WAS FILMING IN

THE FIRST PLACE?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

DRIVE TOO CLOSE TO HACKSAW JIM

DUGGAN.

YOU THINK THAT'S SCARY?

IMAGINE GETTING HOME AND

REALIZING YOU'RE A 2X4 SHY OF

FINISHING YOUR DECK.

WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN WHEN MY

GIRLFRIEND'S IN THE CAR?

BECAUSE SHE'S A VAMPIRE, AND

SHE'S 4,000 YEARS OLD, AND SHE

WANTS TO DIE.

I'M A LONG PIECE OF WOOD COMING

THROUGH YOUR WINDSHIELD.

BOOM!

IF YOU HAD ALLSTATE YOU'D BE

BETTER PROTECTED FROM MAYHEM

LIKE ME.

ALRIGHT.

NOW GIVE ME FREE CAR INSURANCE

FOR AT LEAST A YEAR.

THIS NEXT GUY HAS THE EYE OF THE

TIGER.

>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

REAL MATURE, TIGER.

IT'S NICE TO FINALLY SEE HOBBES

PISSING ON SOMETHING FOR A

CHANGE.

THAT'S HOW TONY FROSTS HIS

FLAKES.

TIGER WOODS DID THE SAME THING

TO A LOT OF GIRLS

NOW HE SUCKS AT GOLF.

THAT REALLY IS AN EFFECTIVE WAY

TO MARK YOUR TERRITORY.

>> THAT'S MY COOKIE.

>> WHATEVER.

THIS IS MINE.

CAN YOU SET ME UP?

>> YEP.

THAT IS THE SECOND BIGGEST LOAD

OF PISS EVER SHOT ON CARLY.

HERE'S WHY JUMPING FROM THE

SNACK SHACK IS NOT ALLOWED.

HEY, I ASSUME THE STANDS ARE

EMPTY BECAUSE THEY'RE AT A

BASEBALL GAME.

HE'S GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT TO THE

FENCE AND GRAB ON TO IT.

WHO WANTS ACTION?

FOR THAT TO HAVE WORKED YOU HAVE

TO BE BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE

SPIDER.

LOOKS LIKE HE'LL BE LANDING IN

HANDICAPPED SPOTS FROM NOW ON.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIN

EVENT, THE MUFFIN TOPS ON THE

PILLOW TOP.

FIRST ONE TO EJACULATE WINS.

IF YOU TOOK A BLACK LIGHT TO

THAT ROOM IT WOULD GLOW LIKE THE

SUN.

I WOULD SAY THIS VIDEO'S GAY BUT

THERE'S NO BED SKIRT ON THAT

MATTRESS.

SO IT'S NOT GAY.

I BET THAT MEMORY FOAM WISHES IT

COULD FORGET THIS.

THAT'S NOTHING.

I HAD A ROYAL RUMBLE ON MY BED

LAST NIGHT.

I REALLY DID.

THAT'S A GREAT WAY TO GET IN

SHAPE.

MICHELLE OBAMA WOULD BE PROUD.

ALRIGHT.

YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE AN OLD MAN

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTENING?

YOU WANTED TO SEE IT

HEY, THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER

HAPPEN TO HIM AGAIN.

EVEN GOD GETS IMPATIENT WHEN OLD

PEOPLE ARE IN THE CROSSWALK.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HIS IPHONE

IS FULLY CHARGED NOW.

ALRIGHT, THAT WAS ACTUALLY MY

FAULT.

I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT.

[SCREAMI

[SCREAMING]

>> SORRY I'M LATE.

I MISSED IT?

>> WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND

21.1 GIG WATTS AGAIN.

>> OH, THAT'S HEAVY.

COME ON DOC, DOC.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE FOUR

YEARS AWAY FROM HOVERBOARDS?

2015.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

TWO TEENAGE BOYS AND A MASSIVE

SEX TOY?

THAT'S EITHER A PARTY AT BRADLEY

COOPER'S HOUSE OR THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THERE'S A

KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND YOU END UP

GETTING SLAPPED WITH A RUBBER

DONG?

DONG?

AT LEAST IT'S NOT A JEHOVAH'S

WITNESS.

THAT IS A GIANT BLACK DILDO.

OR AS BLACK PEOPLE CALL IT, AN

AVERAGE BLACK DILDO.

HOW HUMILIATING.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT BLACK

MAMBA HAS BEEN.

KINDA DO.

SMELLS LIKE MOM.

ALRIGHT.

NEVER GET SEPARATED FROM YOUR

PIECE.

THAT'S A DIL-DON'T!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT

COULDN'T GET ANYMORE

HOMOEROTIC.

I'D BE HAPPY TO TAG IN ANYTIME.

WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE GRIP A

WIENER LIKE THAT, IT'S A SAFE

BET I'M GONNA LIKE WHAT COMES

NEXT.

NO LUBE?

UH.

A TRUE FRIEND WOULD SPIT ON IT

BEFORE HE STARTED RAMMING.

AND NOW YOU KNOW WHAT PRISON IS

LIKE.

I WONDER IF THAT'S HOW HE

THOUGHT HE'D LOSE HIS VIRGINITY.

THE LINE BETWEEN PRANK AND RAPE

IS PRETTY BLURRY RIGHT NOW.

HEY PAL, CHOKE UP ON THAT THING

AND EVEN OUT THOSE STROKES OR

HE'S NOT GONNA FINISH.

IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO

RECEIVE.

AND THAT DEFINITELY SEEMS TRUE

WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING

SODOMIZED BY YOUR BEST FRIEND ON

THE FRONT LAWN.

BUT HEY, THAT'S JUST DUDES BEING

DUDES.

NOW LET'S NEVER SPEAK OF THIS

AGAIN.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

CHEERLEADERS' WEB REDEMPTION BUT

FIRST

HERE IS THE COOLEST WAY TO GET

IN AND OUT OF YOUR CAR.

[CHEERING]

AT LEAST THE BRUISE WON'T SHOW

UP.

THOSE ARE THE CHEERLEADERS FROM

WESTFIELD HIGH SCHOOL IN

HOUSTON, AND THEY ARE REALLY

AWFUL AT CATCHING.

WHY ARE CHEERLEADERS EVEN

NECESSARY?

OUR TEAM DOESN'T NEED

ENCOURAGEMENT, IT NEEDS LOTS AND

LOTS OF TALL BLACK PLAYERS.

PEP RALLIES ONLY FUN BECAUSE YOU

GET OUT OF CLASS.

IF YOU TOLD ME THE WHOLE SCHOOL

WAS DISMISSED EARLY TO WATCH

WATER BOIL, I'D CHEER ABOUT THAT

TOO.

WHY ARE WE ROOTING FOR THE JOCKS

AT SCHOOL?

I'M SUPPOSED TO CHEER FOR THE

GUY WHO BULLIES EVERYONE AND

BANGS THE HOT GIRLS?

NO THANKS.

THEY NEED A PEP RALLY LATER IN

LIFE, WHEN THEY GROW UP TO BE

DEPRESSED ALCOHOLICS WHO CLING

TO THE PAST.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE

STUDENTS WHO GET INVOLVED IN

EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE AT

SCHOOL AFTER HOURS ARE THE

TEACHERS AND ANY STUDENTS THEY

ARE BANGING.

STUDENT GOVERNMENT IS POINTLESS.

IF YOU RUN FOR CLASS PRESIDENT,

THAT'S REASON ENOUGH FOR ME NOT

TO VOTE FOR YOU.

WHAT DO THEY EVEN DO?

IT'S A PUPPET REGIME!

THEY HAVE NO REAL POWER.

GO HOME, WATCH TV, AND COPY YOUR

HOMEWORK OFF WIKIPEDIA LIKE A

NORMAL KID.

I LEFT SCHOOL AT NOON TO SURF

EVERY DAY AND I'M A MILLIONAIRE.

BUT SHAWNA'S A GOOD GIRL, WHICH

IN AN URBAN SCHOOL MEANS SHE

DOESN'T HAVE HER FINGERNAILS

SHARPENED TO A POINT.

AND IF SHE WANTS TO SHOW HER

SCHOOL SPIRIT, MORE POWER TO

HER.

THAT'S WHY I INVITED HER SQUAD

OUT TO HOLLYWOOD TO BRING IT ON

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[CLAPPING]

>> NICE.

OH MY GOODNESS.

WHEN DID THAT VIDEO HAPPEN?

FALL OF 26.

WERE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?

YES.

WE WERE JUNIORS.

WHY WERE YOU GUYS IN THE PARKING

LOT.

WE WERE ACTUALLY DOING A NEWS

REPORT FOR THE GAME OF THE WEEK.

>> WHO WAS THE FLYER.

ME.

>> WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO CHEER

AGAIN.

>> I WAS GOOD.

I WAS JUST A LITTLE SORT.

>> TELL US EXACTLY WHAT

HAPPENED.

IN A BASKET TOSS.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE TOSSED IN THE

AIR.

I HAD LIKE A PREFLU.

I WAS REALLY SICK.

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO FALL.

I WAS FALLING BACK.

I JUST HAD THE FEELING THEY WERE

GOING TO CATCH ME.

AND THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.

AND THEN I JUST REMEMBER WAKING.

>> SO YOU BLACKED OUT.

>> I BLACKED OUT.

>> ARE BLACK CHEERLEADERS WAY

BETTER THAN WHITE CHEERLEADERS.

>> THERE IS A VIDEO OF THE

WOODLANDS HIGH SCHOOL.

AND WE HAD A DEEJAY ON OUR SITE.

>> AND THEN THEY WERE SHOWING US

THIS IS WHAT HIGH SCHOOL LOOKS

LIKE.

>> OH YOU GO.

>> THEY WERE DOING THE TOOTSIE

WITH THE DEEJAY.

>> THAT PUMPS THE SQUAD UP.

THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO

CHEER AT.

>> FOOTBALL.

FOOTBALL, YEAH.

DID ANY OF YOU DATE ANY PLAYERS.

YES IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.

>> DID SHE DATE A LOT OF

PLAYERS.

I DATED TWO.

>> WHAT POSITION.

>> I THINK ONE --

>> MISSIONARY.

>> NO.

>> ARE MOST MALE CHEERLEADERS

GAY.

>> I BELIEVE SO.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MALE

CHEERLEADERS.

I THINK THEY PROTECT YOU BETTER.

>> THEY WOULD HAVE CAUGHT YOU.

>> YEAH.

THOSE GUYS ARE -- LOSERS.

>> NOT LOSERS.

THEY'RE MUSICIANS.

THAT HAVEN'T HAD SEX.

>> THANK YOU.

>> DID ANY OF YOU EVER GET

SPIRIT FINGERED.

>> SPIRIT FINGERED.

>> OR TOSS WAS AWFUL.

WE CAN ALL AGREE WITH THAT.

>> YEAH.

YOUR ROUTINE WAS GARBAGE.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET A NEW

ROUTINE NOT BEFORE THE FAKE

CHEER COMPETITION WE SET UP FOR

YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> IF WHITE CHEERLEADERS STEAL

FROM BLACK CHEERLEADERS WHO DO

BLACK CHEERLEADERS STEAL FROM.

>> GAYS.

>> JONATHAN SERVER WHO I'VE

NEVER SEEN.

THANK YOU FOR THE COCKTAIL.

KNOCK IT OFF.

>> THEY THINK YOU'RE STEALING

SOME OF THEIR FIERCE MOVES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELL ITEM

TO THE 2011 FAKE CHEERLEADING

CHAMPIONSHIPS.

>> ARE YOU READY.

>> YES.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE COMPETING

AGAINST THE MIAMI DOLPHIN

CHEERLEADERS.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT THEM.

>> YEAH.

WE CAN BEAT THOSE WHITE BITCHES.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

>> OKAY THEY NAILED IT.

YOU BETTER BRING YOUR A GAME.

GET OUT THERE.

>> FROM TOSH HIGH SCHOOL PLEASE

WELCOME THE TOSH HIGH SCHOOL

CHEERLEADER.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

>> YOU'RE FROM ORLANDO.

YEAH FROM FLORIDA THE GOLDEN

KNIGHT.

*

* [CLAPPING AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT DID I MISS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOU'RE 2011

FAKE CHEERLEADERS ARE THE MIAMI

DOLPHIN CHEERLEADERS.

>> I

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO THE OTHER

26 MIAMI DOLPHIN CHEERLEADERS

THAT I COULD NOT AFFORD TO FLY

OUT HERE.

DON'T WORRY.

I WILL COME ON YOU

I WILL COME TO YOU

PROMPTER, THAT WASN'T COOL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY STAPLER?

OH!

[SCREAMI

[SCREAMING]

>> I HATE YOU.

>> BECAUSE OF THE SUCCESS OF MY

VIDEOS ON CUNNILINGUS I'VE BEEN

CONSIDERED THE EXPERT.

SOME GUYS THINK YOU GO LIKE

THIS.

THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT WAY.

SOME GUYS THINK THEY'RE EATING

OATMEAL OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT WAY.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE SLOW AND

SENSITIVE.

FROM SIDE TO SIDE WITH THE HEAD

UP.

AND UP AND DOWN.

A LITTLE KISSING.

I THINK I'M TURNING MY SHIRT ON,

GEEZ.

COME ON LADIES, WOULDN'T YOU

LIKE TO HAVE THAT GUY BETWEEN

YOUR LEGS?

LET'S BE HONEST, VAGINAS ARE

BOTH GROSS AND CONFUSING.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO SNATCH

UP SOME POINTERS FROM THAT OLD

MAN.

LIVE VIA SKYPE, PLEASE WELCOME,

CHICAGO AL.

YEAH, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

HEY, THANKS FOR TAKING A BREAK

FROM ALL THAT MUFF DIVING.

HOW MUCH LETTUCE WOULD YOU SAY

YOU'VE LICKED IN YOUR LIFETIME?

I CAN'T REALLY HONESTLY SAY,

EXCEPT THAT IT'S BEEN UH, UH

DOZENS.

OH.

THAT'S A LOT OF LABIA.

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY SPEND

PLEASURING A WOMAN'S SWEATBOX?

IT COULD LAST AN HOUR.

ALRIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT ME BEAT BY 59 MINUTES

AND SOME CHANGE.

DO YOU CLEAN THE CANOE BEFORE

YOU PADDLE?

YEAH, OF COURSE, BUT THAT YOU

KNOW, I GO UNDER THE ASSUMPTION

THAT SHE'S GONNA HAVE GOOD

HYGIENE BEFORE SHE WALKS IN, BUT

YOU NEVER CAN BE SURE.

SO WHEN I WASH 'EM WITH THE

CLOTH, I UH JUST WANT TO DO THE

SURFACE THING BUT YOU DON'T

REALLY, YOU KNOW, SANITIZE IT.

SO, YOU CAN SCRUB HERPES OFF

WITH A CLOTH?

I THOUGHT SO.

HEY, YOU EVER PUT A DENTAL DAM

OVER THE BLUE WAFFLE?

UH, I USE SARAN WRAP ACTUALLY.

I REALLY HAVE.

AND IT'S NOT TOO BAD.

YOU KNOW, THE PLASTIC TASTES A

LITTLE FUNKY BUT THE PROBLEM IS

IT BREAKS.

I'M SURE SARAN WRAP APPRECIATES

THE PLUG.

WE HAVE A HUGE HOMOSEXUAL

AUDIENCE.

ANY TIP ON BLOWING THE OLE

TICKLE WHISTLE?

TELL 'EM, YOU KNOW, WATCH THE

TEETH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

YOU KNOW THEY GOTTA WATCH THE

TEETH CAUSE THEY'LL BITE.

AND UH, I EVEN HAD A LADY SORTA

[BLEEP].

THEY THOUGHT THE SENSITIVITY

AREA OF THE PENIS WAS THE TIP OF

THE PENIS WITH THE HOLE AND

THAT'S SENSITIVE, MAN.

YEAH, IT'S NOT A CAPRI SUN.

CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN RACES BASED ON A WOMAN'S

[BLEEP].

YOU KNOW THAT'S INTERESTING.

[BLEEP.]

IS IT TRUE YOU NEED TO WAIT AN

HOUR TO GO SWIMMING AFTER

MUNCHING ON THE TORO TACO?

I DON'T FEEL LIKE SWIMMING AFTER

EATING [BLEEP].

I'M SURE SHE FEELS LIKE CURLING

UP IN THE SHOWER.

HOW DO YOU PREFER YOUR MOLDED

FOLDS OF BALONEY, BALD OR

BIEBER?

YOU KNOW, I LIKE 'EM BOTH.

I PREFER SLENDER WOMEN.

THEY TEND TO SWEAT LESS.

LOUD AND CLEAR!

LOUD AND CLEAR!

HEY, WHY DO YOU HAVE A TOWEL

DISPENSER MOUNTED ON YOUR WALL?

OH, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE MAKE JOKES

ABOUT IT CAUSE I DO YOUTUBE

VIDEOS AND THEY SAY, "WHAT IS

THAT TO WIPE YOU JACKING OFF IN

FRONT OF THE CAMERA?" AND

ACTUALLY IT'S NOT.

IT'S MY BROTHER USED TO SELL

THESE DISPENSERS AND I EAT HERE.

I EAT FOOD HERE.

AND I, SO I WANTED A TOWEL, NOW

A LOT OF THEM TO EAT.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE

HORRIFYING TO SAY?

HERE'S ONE YOU MIGHT ENJOY.

I EAT [BLEEP] WITHOUT HAVING A

WOMAN AROUND.

AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT?

YOU GROW A GOATEE.

AND WHEN IT'S LONG ENOUGH YOU

FLIP IT UP AND YOU EAT THE HAIR,

I SWEAR TO IT, IT TASTES LIKE

EATING [BLEEP].

ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

THANKS FOR JOINING US, CHICAGO

AL.

IT'S BEEN GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

GOOD BEING HERE.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

ALL THE WAY FROM THE COUNTRY OF

LATVIA.

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE SPOKEN]

LATVIA, THEIR NATIONAL TREE IS

OAK AND THEIR FAVORITE PAST TIME

IS FLOOR BALL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT WITH ALLEN

HAVE

WELCOME BACK HASH TAG, POUND

SIGN, LITTLE TIC-TAC-TOE BOARD.

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOUR NBA

CHAMPION DALLAS MAVERICKS.

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THE

TEAM WITH THE THREE BEST PLAYERS

IN THE WORLD WOULD WIN IT ALL?

WE RECORDED THIS BEFORE GAME

FIVE.

THAT'S CONFIDENCE.

NEXT WEEK, THE METAL CLUB GETS A

WEB REDEMPTION.

*

*

*

IN FAIRNESS, THAT AUDIENCE WAS A

LITTLE SLEEPY FROM ALL THE

SQUARE PIZZA.

BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE

SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER

AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR MY

NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE.

AND TOSH.0 WILL BE SPONSORING

ITS FIRST EVER MARATHON IN

HERMOSA BEACH THIS SUMMER.

GO TO OUR BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS.

FINALLY, IT'S TIME TO GET INTO

SWIMSUIT SHAPE.

AND THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO DO

THAT THEN BY EATING ONE POUND

OF RICH, CREAMY, UNSALTED

BUTTER.

>> 1, 2, 3.

COME ON, EAT IT.

>> THE FIRST HALF POUND IS

ALWAYS THE HARDEST.

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD.

OH!

>> EW!

[LAUGHT

[LAUGHTER]

>> WOOHOO!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE IF I

CAN PULL OFF THE SACK OF FLOUR

CHALLENGE.

GOODNIGHT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> I WAS GOOD.

I WAS A LITTLE SORE ON MY BACK.

>> DID YOU GO ON MY BACK.

>> NO.

NO.

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

ARE ALL OF THE GIRLS ON THE

DANCE TEAM WHORES.

>> I WOULD GO TO BE A

CHEERLEADER.

THE REALITY I DON'T HOLD A WOMAN

UP ABOVE MY HEAD.

>> BUT THE REALITY I PHYSICALLY