Original subtitles

(YELLING)

[BEEP]

>> HOLY [BEEP]

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

[ APPLAUSE ]

*

>> APPARENTLY A BLACK PEN

CRACKED.

WELCOME TO TOSH.OMENT TONIGHT

THE BUG AND REPORTER GETS

REDEEMED, KNIFE AND BANANA AND

WOMEN SCREW UP SIMPLE

INSTRUCTIONS.

NOW LET'S SEE THE GUY WAVE HI TO

US AGAIN.

HE SHOULD OF TRIED THIS IN THE

PHONE PIT FIRST.

>> HOLY [BEEP]

HOLY [BEEP]

>> CALM DOWN.

IT MIGHT JUST BE A HIGH ANKLE

SPRAIN.

TRY PUTTING SOME WEIGHT ON IT.

>> [BEEP]

[BEEP]

OH! [BEEP]

>> NICE TO SEE BLACK PEOPLE ARE

AS BAD AS WHITE SPORTS AS WHITE

PEOPLE ARE AT REAL SPORTS.

>> REMEMBER IT'S NOT CHILD ABUSE

IF YOU LET THEM HIT YOU BACK.

>> OKAY NOW I WANT KIDS.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

>> MY DAD JUST USED GUILT.

>> DAD, YOU MIND TAKING THE RING

OFF THAT'S STKEURTY POOL.

AND QUIT BLOCKING.

[LAUGHING]

>> I ASSUME THIS IS JUST WARM UP

BEFORE THE WOMEN ARE BROUGHT IN.

[LAUGHING]

>> IT'S THEIR CULTURE.

[LAUGHING]

>> I DON'T CARE HOW PRO LIFE YOU

ARE THIS NEXT VIDEO LOOKS

DELICIOUS.

(OH ...

(.

>> SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR

MISCARRIAGE I GOT YOU A CAKE.

[LAUGHING]

>> NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCKY AND HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

>> THEIR HEADS ARE STILL SOFT AT

THAT AGE.

>> NO THANKS I'M TRYING TO EAT

LESS BABY.

I TAKE MY BABY ALA MODE.

I PREFER THE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE

BABY.

THANKS ROE VERSE WADE.

>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

A DEAD BABY AND A CAKE.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR A

SPECIAL OCCASION TO EAT A DEAD

BABY.

>> THAT'S JUST LIKE OUR OFFICE.

WE HAVE TO BRING IN BAKED GOODS

FOR EVERY STUPID THING THAT

HAPPENS.

>> JOCELYN, I SAW YOU POSTED ON

FACEBOOK YOU HAD AN ABORTION I

MADE YOU CUPCAKES.

LITTLE A BOTHERED FETUSES.

>> SWEET, TOO BAD I'M NOT EATING

FOR TWO ANYMORE RIGHT.

>> AHH, JUST ENJOY THEM BEFORE

YOU BURN IN HELL.

PLEASE RETURN THE PAN.

>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

A DEAD BABY AND A PORE SHALL.

>> I DON'T HAVE A PORE SHALL IN

MY GARAGE.

>> ONE MORE WHAT'S THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY DEAD

GRANDMA AND A NEWBORN BABY.

>> WHAT?

>> [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP]

>> OKAY.

GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES.

[LAUGHING]

>> I THINK WE FOUND OUR NECK

AQ VERSUS.OUR NEXTSH

I HOPE THE PIT CREW HAS

NEOSPORIN.

THESE FAST & THE FURIOUS SEQUELS

ARE GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.

I LIKE TO TEAR UP BY BUTT THE

OLD FASHION WAY WITH AGGRESSIVE

ASS PLAY.

I DON'T NORMALLY EAT BEEF BUT

FOR THIS NEXT GUY I WOULD MAKE

AN EXCEPTION.

>> YA, BEEF.

>> HE IS ONE THICK SON OF A

BITCH.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT

ME.

>> I CAN'T HELP LOOK AT YOU.

YES, OH MY!

OH!

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, YOU

WANT A PIECE OF THIS?

>> I WANT ALL OF IT.

[LAUGHING]

>> THIS GUY CAN READ ME LIKE A

BOOK.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

>> MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO --

[LAUGHING]

>> BOY, YOU LOOK GOOD BACK THAT

BACK UP.

ALRIGHT.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR ANNUAL

MAMMOGRAM.

WHAT IS NEXT?

(YELLING )

>> WHAT HAPPENS IN GOTHAM STAYS

IN GOTHAM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT BATMAN MOVIE

IS I'M JUST GLAD MAGGIE

GYLLENHAAL ISN'T IN IT.

LET'S PUT THIS WEEK'S BAT SIGNAL

IN THE

BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-

BRA-BRA-BRA BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS THE ECONOMY

IS HURTING EVERYONE.

EVEN BRUCE WAYNE HAD TO TAKE A

JOB HANDING OUT TITTY BAR

COUPONS ON THE STRIP.

LOOKS LIKE THERE IS TROUBLE IN

SIN CITY.

I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT JEFF

DUNHAM'S APPEARANCE.

WE'RE READY TO SEE BATMAN'S MOST

TOUGH OPPONENT YET A LIQUORED UP

CHOLO.

BATMAN JUST TOLD HIM TO SUCK HIS

[BEEP] [BEEP].

THAT'S DEFINITELY CHRISTIAN

BALE.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT GUY HAS A TEMPER.

RIDDLE ME THIS, WHERE IS BOY

WONDER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

PROBABLY AT TAO MAKING OUT WITH

ONE OF THE HOT MALE BARTENDERS

THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

HOLY BITCH SLAP.

YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO

PICK A FIGHT WITH A DARK KNIGHT.

THAT'S HOW HEATH FLEDGEDDER

DIED.

THE IRONY PARALYZED SUPER MAN.

THIS IS WHY NO ONE IN THE UFC

FIGHTS WITH A CAPE.

SURE IT LOOKS AMAZING BUT IT'S

REALLY RESTRICTED.

>> SO HARD WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR

HERO SOPBL A HUMAN, AND MOST

LIKELY HOMELESS.

OH, HE'S WOBBLY.

THAT MIGHT JUST BE BECAUSE HE'S

DRUNK.

WE'RE JUST GLAD CHRISTOPHER

NOLAN DIDN'T MAKE THIS CLIP

THREE HOURS TOO LONG.

FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

BUG IN MOUTH REPORTER.

FIRST, DID YOU HEAR A CLICK?

>> AIR CLICKING?

>> NO.

>> HERE IT IS.

HERE.

SIXTEEN, FIFTEEN, FOURTEEN,

THIRTEEN.

GET CLOSER.

[LAUGHING]

>> DID YOU HEAR IT CLICK?

COULD YOU HEAR IT CLICK?

>> NO.

>> WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON THIS

THURSDAY AT AGUSTA HIGH SCHOOL

THAT LEAD TO CHRIS WOODS DEATH?

>> [BEEP]

>> [BEEP]

>> I'M -- [BEEP]

[BEEP]

[LAUGHING]

[BEEP]

>> -- IN MY MOUTH

[BEEP], I'M -- [BEEP]

[BEEP]

I CAN'T EVEN SEE.

>> YOU CAN TAKE THE REPORTER OUT

OF THE HOOD BUT YOU SHOULDN'T

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL THE

CRIME IS.

THAT'S FOX'S OWN ISAIAH CAREY.

HE'S NOT A WHITE GUY HE JUST

PLAYS ONE ON TV.

WHEN A BUG FLEW INTO HIS MOUTH

HE SWITCHED FROM WILL SMITH TO

LIL' WAYNE.

THE ONLY THING THE INTERNET

DIDN'T RUIN WAS MY CAREER.

I JUMPED ON THAT TRAIN AND ROAD

IT TO TWITTER.

PEOPLE SAY KATY COURIC LEFT CBS

FOR LOW RATINGS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GOT ANY

RATINGS.

SHE TALKS ABOUT STUFF I SAW ON

THE HUFFINGTON POST EIGHT HOURS

AGO.

THE NETWORK SHOULD PUT ON RERUNS

OR SYNDICATE TOSH.O.

I'M JUST SAYING.

I LIKE WATCHING FOX NEWS WILL

THEY EMPLOY RACIST TERRORISTS.

REPORTERS ARE NOT AS SMART AS

YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU'RE

STANDING IN FRONT OF SOMETHING

DOESN'T MAKE YOU A EXPERT ON IT

THERE ARE GUYS STANDING IN FRONT

OF THE HOME DEPOT ALL DAY.

THE ONLY THING THEY'RE EX PEFRTS

ON IS SNEAKING INTO AMERICA.

THE ONE REPORTER I RESPECT IS

ANDERSON COOPER, THE SILVER FOX.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

HE SAVED HATIAN CHILDREN.

I HAVE A ASIAN BOY LIVING IN MY

POOL HOUSE.

AND LOREN SANCHEZ PRESENTS THE

BIG HEADLINES IN THE BUSINESS.

BIG FAKE HEADLINES.

BEING A SUCCESSFUL -- I RESCUED

ISAIAH AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE

BIG CITY FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> HOW ARE YOU, SIR.

>> THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME IN

THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE.

I HAVE A BEEKEEPER MASK.

I HAVE ONE FOR YOU?

>> I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE BUT

I HAVE TO SAY NO.

>> WHERE WAS THE VIDEO.

>> ARKANSAS, LITTLE ROCK,

ARKANSAS BACK IN 1996.

>> WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> I WAS OUT DOING A STORY

ABOUT, I THINK A HIGH SCHOOL KID

WHO MAY OF BEEN KILLED.

THIS GRASSHOPPER JUMPS OUT OF

NOWHERE IN MY MOUTH.

>> DID YOU HEAT THE GRASSHOPPER?

>> NO I SPIT IT OUT

IMMEDIATELIMENT.

>> DO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE A FORM

OF TOURETTES.

>> THIS COUNTY [BEEP] TOWN.

>> WAS THAT LIVE?

>> YES.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER

PERSONALITY IN YOU?

>> THAT'S ME LOSING CONTROL.

>> ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO TO GET

TO YOU LOSE CONTROL.

>> YES.

>> DO YOU HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY

YOU'RE AGENTING WHITE?

>> I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED

THAT.

>> PROBABLY THEY KNOW WHAT PO*

WOULD HAPPEN AND DON'T WANT YOU

TO LOSE YOUR COOL.

>> THEY TELL PHOTOGRAPHERS DON'T

STOP ROLLING EVEN IF YOU A

MOMENT AT MY EX PERPBS.

>>EXPENSE.

>> WERE YOU UPSET WITH HIM?

>> NO.

AT FIRST WE LAUGHED AT IT THEN

IT DISAPPEARED AND REEMERGED

AGAIN.

>> THANKS TO THE INTERNET.

>> I WASN'T TOO HAPPY THEN.

>> YOU WERE UPSET IT CAME OUT?

>> WELL, WHO WANTS TO BE ON TV

CURSING LIKE A SAILOR.

>> ME.

>> THAT'S YOUR THING.

>> LIFE IT THERE SHOULD BE A

NEWS CHANNEL THAT LET'S I SWEAR.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD FEEL

ABOUT THAPL.

>> YOU SAY THAT BUT [BEEP].

>> WHY?

>> HERE YOU SEE A REAL REPORTER

ACT THE FOOL.

>> DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE

LIVING IN THAT COUNTY ASS PLACE.

>> HEY, THAT'S A WONDERFUL TOWN.

THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.

>> DO YOU RUN AROUND IN A VAN.

>> MAINLY SUVs.

>> DOES YOUR HAVE RIMS?

>> THE BLACK REPORTER THING.

WE KEEP IT GANGSTER.

>> DO YOU READ WHAT PEOPLE HAVE

WRITTEN ON THE INTERNET.

>> NO.

>> IT'S MOSTLY FLATTERING STUFF.

>> I WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

>> ARE THERE ANY OTHER THINGS

THAT HAVE GOTTEN INTO YOUR MOUTH

YOU HAVEN'T LIKED?

>> NO, JUST THE GRASSHOPPER

THAT'S IT.

>> WOULD YOU CREDIT WHAT THE

GRASSHOPPER DID TO BE A HATE

CRIME.

>> YES.

WHERE IS THE NAACP WHEN I NEED

THEM.

>> CAN'T A BROTHER JUST DO A

REPORT.

>> WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO A

NEWSCAST FOR THE SHOW.

>> HUH-UH.

>> WAIT IN THE GREEN ROOM.

>> I'M GAME FOR IT.

>> WE'RE DOING A SOCIAL

EXPERIMENT.

LET'S SEND IN CHARLIE THE WHITE

GUY.

>> HELLO MR. CEE AREY.

YOU NEED ANYTHING WHILE YOU'RE

WAITING?

>> NO, I'M FINE.

>> LET'S SET IN DWAYNE THE BLACK

GUY.

>> YO, WHAT'S --

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> YA, JAM.

>> YOU STRAIGHT.

>> YA.

>> ISAIAH, YOU ARE BUSTED.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

CHARLIE COMES IN, NICE TO MEET

YOU.

THEN YOU'RE LIKE BAM.

THERE ARE TWO OF YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE IT

ANOTHER SHOT.

>> WE WILL TRY.

>> WELCOME TO KTSCO EVENING

NEWS.

HERE ARE YOUR EVENING STORIES.

RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA ARE

EMBRACING ANOTHER --

>> WATCH THE LANGUAGE.

>> IN POLITICAL NEWS PRESIDENT

OBAMA ANNOUNCED HE WILL CUT

TAXES FOR THE RICHEST 1% OF

AMERICA.

>> MUST OF BEEN HIS WHITE HALF A

BROTHER WOULD NEVER [BEEP] THAT.

>> TWO OFFICERS CAUGHT ON TAPE

BEATING AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN

SUGGESTION PEBLGT WERE NOT

CHARGED TODAY.

>> AND -- STILL RACIST THE

POLICE.

>> KELSEY YAMMER TIED THE KNOT

FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT NOT A

SINGLE BLACK PERSON AT THE

WEDDING LIKE THERE WASN'T A

SEUPBLG BLACK PERSON ON "CHEERS"

OR "FRAZIER."

>> --

>> NEW EDITION IS BACK.

>> AND FASHION WEEK JUST KICKED

OFF IN NEW YORK CITY.

>> MAN, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEM

SKWEUPBY WHITE SKAEUFRPBGZ.

BUT BEYONCE UP.

THERE.

>> THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE

FOR ISAIAH CAREY I'M ISAIAH

CAREY.

>> STAY TUNE "MEET THE BROWNS"

MY FAVORITE SHOW COMING UP NEXT.

>> THAT'S IT I'M DONE, I QUIT.

>> I ASSUME YOU HAVE DINNER

RESERVATIONS IN THE PROJECTS

WITH YOUR BABY'S MAMA THIS

EVENING.

>> YA HAVE FUN AT THE FARMERS

MARKET YOU [BEEP].

>> CAN'T HE ALL JUST GET ALONG.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

ALL THE WAY FROM TUSCALOOSA

RESPECT THE "DO NOT DISTURB"

SIGN.

(KNOCKING )

*

(LOTS OF NOISE )

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M

WATCHING BUT I LOVE IT IT'S ONE

OF THOSE AWESOME JAPANESE GAME

SHOWS.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE COOL EDGY GAME

SHOWS LIKE THAT.

WE ARE STUCK WITH "MINUTE TO WIN

IT" HOSTED BY A LINE COOK.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.

>> DANIEL.

>> WHAT?

>> I'M A KNIFE.

>> WHAT?

>> I'M A BANANAMENT.

>> WHAT?

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.

WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.

WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE.

WHAT.

>> WELCOME BACK TO AMERICA'S

GAME SHOW KNIFE OR BANANA.

THAT'S THE GAME I TAKE A KNIFE

AND BANANA AND PUT THEM BEHIND

MY BACK.

WHICH EVER YOU CHOOSE I WILL

STAB INTO YOUR CHEST.

WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST CASE UP KATE

UPTON.

>> ALRIGHT, KATE, ARE YOU READY

TO PLAY KNIFE OR BANANA.

>> YES.

>> WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT ONE.

>> IS THAT YOUR FINAL CHOICE?

>> NO.

THAT ONE.

[LAUGHING]

>> AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY KNIFE

OR BANANA.

FOR KATE UPTON I'M DANIEL TOSH.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

>> THAT IS A SHARP BANANA.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> KNIFE OR BANANA,

>> AH, YOU EVER BEEN STOOD UP BY

AN 18-YEAR-OLD?

QUITE A BLOW.

THAT WAS FROM A PAST VIEWER

WINNER.

MAKING A VIDEO MUST BE HARDER

THAN IT LOOKS THAT'S WHY MOST OF

THEM SUCK.

I ASKED MY STAFF TO DO ONE

BETTER.

THIS IS FROM MY LEAD HAIR

STYLIST, BRIAN.

>> I'M GOING TO TAKE A [BEEP]

I'M NOT GOING TO [BEEP].

IN PREPARATION I HAVE BEEN ON AN

ALL CORN DIET FOR THE PAST FIVE

DAYS.

AS YOU CAN SEE.

I WENT INTO THE TOILET.

NOW I'M NOT GOING TO WIPE.

CLEAN, CLEAN.

TO PROVE I'M CLEAN A SHOT THAT'S

A [BEEP].

>> ALRIGHT IF YOU CAN PULL OFF A

TRUE NO WIPER WE WOULD LOVE TO

SEE IT THE RULES ARE SIMPLE TAKE

A POOP, PULL UP YOUR PARENTS

WITHOUT WIPING AND FILM YOUR

UNDERWEAR TWO HOURS LATER TO

PROVE THERE ARE NO STREAKS.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

*

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WELCOME BACK, ASSHOLES.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK SMP FOR

TAKING OUR ARGUMENT THAT ASS

HOLES SHOULD NOT BE PWHROEPD ON

TELEVISION.

[BEEP] IS RIGHT AROUND THE

CORNER.

NEXT WEEK THESE BLACK

CHEERLEADERS GET A WEB

REDEMPTION.

(OH!)

>> IT'S NOT FARE THE WHITE

SCHOOLS HAVE ALL THE LAWN.

BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE

SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOGS.

TICKETS ARE ON SALE FOR TOSH

TOWER ON ICE.

ITOUR ON ICE.

YOUR COLLEGE SUBMISSIONS ARE

GETTING BETTER.

CHECK OUT THIS ENTRY FROM KANSAS

STATE

*

*

* KANSAS STATE

[LAUGHING]

>> JUST TRY TO STOP ME FROM

COMING.

[LAUGHING]

>> A FEW WEEKS AGO I SHOWED YOU

STUFF YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR

GIRLS SAY AND ASKED OUR FEMALE

VIEWERS TO SEND IN STUFF THAT

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR GUYS SAY.

YOU SKAOUD IT UP.

THE IDEA WAS TO SHOOT GUYS

SAYING THOSE THINGS.

INSTEAD YOU PUT YOURSELVES IN

THERE BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT

YOU.

HERE IS THE BEST TEN SECONDS I

COULD SALVAGE FROM YOU SENT.

IN.

>> GIRLFRIEND IS SUCH A

CONFUSING TERM.

>> YOUR BUTTS NOT ON IT'S

PERIOD.

>> CHOKE ME.

>> YOUR FINGERS ARE FAT.

>> I WANT TO TELL YOU.

>> SURPRISE NO GUY TOLD HER TANK

IS ON BACKWARDS.

LESSON LEARNED I WILL NEVER ASK

YOU WOMEN TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN.

BY THE WAY HER FINGERS WERE FAT.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WOULD YOU RATHER SIT BEHIND A

DESK OR BE OUT IN THE FIELD.

>> OUT IN THE FIELD.