Original subtitles

- JESUS CHRIST. YOU'RE GOING ROUND TWO?

WHAT THE-- - AH!

audience: OH!

- THAT FAN IS NOT GOING TO CLEAN ITSELF.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0. MY BIRTHDAY WAS THIS WEEKEND.

AND I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN

BUT I THINK I LOOK PRETTY GREAT FOR 22.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, THE NAKED WIZARD GETS REDEEMED,

I INTRODUCE YOU TO BOB MY PLEASURE COACH,

AND I LET YOU DECIDE WHAT WILL BE

IN MY DRESSING ROOM WHEN I GO ON TOUR.

NOW LET'S WATCH THAT CHICK GET THROWN INTO A FAN AGAIN.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

I'M KIDDING. I DON'T CARE.

AT LEAST SET IT TO LOW.

- DUDE, WHAT THE-- audience: OH!

- NOT AS SUBTLE AS ROHYPNOL, BUT EQUALLY AS EFFECTIVE.

NOW TRY IT WITH THE LAWNMOWER.

THEY KNOW THERE IS A SWITCH ON THE WALL, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT SHE GETS

FOR NOT BRINGING HER HOT FRIEND TO THE PARTY.

AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE AN ACTUAL BEAR HUG.

AW.

ARE THEY WRESTLING FOR THE TITLE OF MOST ADORABLE?

BECAUSE I THINK IT'S A TIE.

THIS HAS GOT TO BE OVER PORRIDGE.

THEY SAID THERE WAS NO WAY THAT BEAR WOULD REMEMBER HIM,

BUT 20 YEARS LATER THEY HAD THE MOST HEARTWARMING REUNION.

- OKAY!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA [bleep].

THAT BEAR HAS GOTTEN A LOT BETTER AT WRESTLING.

- WHEN IS IT OKAY TO LAUGH AT THE DISABLED?

- THANK YOU.

- NOW, NOW, NOW.

OH.

COME ON, IF TRAIN "A" LEAVES

WAL-MART GOING ONE MILE AN HOUR--

GOOD THING SHE SPRUNG FOR THE TOW PACKAGE ON THAT RASCAL.

I SEE MOM IS WEARING HER GOING-OUT TARP.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING.

I DON'T FIND THESE JOKES FUNNY.

WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE IN A WHEELCHAIR

I ALWAYS OFFER THEM A RIDE.

98% OF THEM MADE IT TO THEIR DESTINATION SAFELY.

AND IN FAIRNESS THE GIRL WAS HALF DEAD ALREADY.

[laughing]

THIS NEXT GUY'S SCOUTING REPORT READS, "LIKES TO KICK."

THAT ASIAN GUY IS REALLY GOOD AT KICKING.

SHOCKING.

SOMEBODY IS PRESSING "A" REALLY FAST SOMEWHERE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS YEAR'S PATRONIZING

SLAM DUNK CONTEST.

LOWERING THE BAR ISN'T HELPING LADIES.

YOU'RE ONLY CHEATING YOURSELVES.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE SHOT CLOCK

AND TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU WON'T SOON FORGET.

I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING A FATHER NEVER YELLED THAT NIGHT.

"THAT'S MY DAUGHTER."

THE ONES WHO DON'T GET HURT MAKE THE TEAM.

THIS DUNK IS CALLED I'M TOO UGLY TO BE A CHEERLEADER.

THE KIDS IN THE STANDS MUST BE ON DETENTION.

THE GIRL WHO WON CRAWLED UNDER A KIA.

JUST HOLD A BOUNCE PASS CONTEST AND LET'S MOVE ON.

WHAT'S NEXT?

audience: OH!

- WE MISS YOU, MACHO MAN.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK

AT WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS USE THE CROSSWALK

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

WELCOME TO THE RUSSIAN DRUNK DRIVING GRAND PRIX

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMIRNOFF.

IS THIS ON THE VERSUS NETWORK

HOME TO EVERY SPORT NO ONE CARES ABOUT?

THIS CAMERAMAN WANTS YOU

TO ENJOY THE 3-D EXPERIENCE SO HE STANDS DIRECTLY

IN THE PATH OF ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

[bleep] YOU, PAPARAZZI. THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS DIANA.

NASCAR WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER

IF FANS COULD STAND ON THE TRACK LIKE THIS.

audience: OH!

- THAT DECEPTICON IS HUNGRY.

NOT SURE HOW THIS RACE WORKS.

DOES THE DRIVER GET POINTS FOR EACH PERSON HE MURDERS?

IN HIS DEFENSE,

UNDER THE TRUCK IS A BIG BLIND SPOT.

HOLD THE PHONE. THAT DUDE IS STILL ALIVE...

AND HIS JACKET TURNED INSIDE OUT.

HEY, IF YOU DIDN'T GET A PLATE NUMBER

I'M SURE IT'S IMPRINTED ON YOUR BACK.

WE'RE JUST GLAD ONE CAMERAMAN WAS SMART ENOUGH

TO STAY OFF THE COURSE AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE NAKED WIZARD,

BUT FIRST HERE'S THE HIGH-CLASS NUT SHOT OF THE WEEK.

audience: OH!

- GOD DAMMIT!

OW, [bleep].

[commotion]

- IT DOESN'T MATTER.

- HIS PENIS IS EVEN SMALLER THAN LADY GAGA'S.

THAT'S JONATHAN FELCH, THE NAKED WIZARD,

AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO ENJOY THE COCHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL,

A THREE-DAY CELEBRATION OF OVERRATED BANDS.

REGULAR CONCERTS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH?

DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD CAMPING TO THE MIX?

MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE LIKE THIRD WORLD COUNTIES.

TENT CITIES WITH NO RUNNING WATER,

FLOPPY-TITTED TOPLESS CHICKS, AND TONS OF AIDS.

IS THIS BONNAROO OR SOMALIA?

YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOES TO FESTIVALS?

BANDS WHO SELL A LOT OF TICKETS.

I'M GLAD THERE'S EIGHT STAGES TO CHOOSE FROM.

THAT SHOULD SOUND FANTASTIC.

WHEN I LISTEN TO MUSIC AT HOME I LIKE TO HAVE FIVE SONGS

GOING AT ONCE FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE HOUSE.

AND SURE, STANDING OUTSIDE AND ROLLING ON "E"

WITH A BUNCH OF SMELLY HIPSTERS SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST,

BUT NOTHING MAKES A SUNBURN STING MORE THAN

WHEN BAND OF HORSES IS PLAYING THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR RAPE.

THE WORST THING ABOUT MUSIC FESTIVALS

IS THEY'RE FULL OF THE ONE THING I TRY TO AVOID--YOU.

I'D MUCH RATHER DRAW A BATH,

PUT ON MY BANG AND OLUFSEN STEREO,

AND LISTEN TO MUSIC LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

I'M FURIOUS IF I'M FURTHER BACK THAN ROW "F".

SO I'LL PASS ON STANDING TWO ACRES AWAY

IN THE 100 DEGREE HEAT JUST TO KEEP BRANDON FLOWERS

FROM EYE-[bleep]ING MY GIRLFRIEND.

I BLAME WOODSTOCK.

EVERYONE ACTS LIKE IT WAS SO GREAT.

BUT I SAW HALF OF THAT AWFUL DEMETRI MARTIN MOVIE,

AND I BEG TO DIFFER.

PEACE AND LOVE.

MORE LIKE THREE DAYS OF LISTENING

TO A BUNCH OF HAIRY DRAFT DODGERS WINE ABOUT STUFF.

THE ONLY REASON WOODSTOCK WAS NECESSARY

IS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE iTUNES.

STILL HARDLY SEEMS FAIR THE POLICE TASED THE NAKED WIZARD

JUST BECAUSE HE TRIED TO ROCK OUT

WITH HIS TINY [bleep] OUT.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM HERE TO PLAY A GAME OF JUST THE TIP--

OR AS HE CALLS IT, FULL INSERTION--

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

- JONATHAN. - WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- HOW ARE YOU. - GOOD, HOW YOU DOING?

- FIRST THINGS FIRST. I GOTTA SEE THAT PENIS.

- WHAT? NO.

- COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU MINE.

- [sigh] ALL RIGHT.

- LET'S GO IN HERE.

- NAKED WIZARD! YOU ROCK MAN.

- THANKS, BRO. - WHAT ABOUT ME?

- TOSH.0 SUCKS.

- NOT COOL. NOT COOL.

- THANKS, MAN.

- COME ON IN.

- TORNADO!

- I THINK IT'D BE EASIER IF WE BOTH GOT COMPLETELY NAKED.

OH, I DON'T THINK WE'RE IN COCHELLA ANYMORE.

- OH, MAN, I THINK WE LANDED ON DOROTHY.

- MIGHT AS WELL STEAL HER RUBY RED CHUCKS AND HER DOG.

YOU SO CUTE. - GO FOR IT MAN.

- NOW THAT WE'RE IN COLOR I MIGHT AS WELL INTERVIEW YOU.

- JON, WHERE WERE YOU FOR THAT VIDEO?

- ME AND FOUR OF MY OTHER FRIENDS

DRIVE OUT TO THE FESTIVAL

AND WE WERE GONNA GO SEE PAUL MCCARTNEY.

THE FIRST THING THAT WE WANT TO DO IS GET, YOU KNOW,

THE PARTY FAVORS.

- DRUGS. - YEAH, EXACTLY.

I TOOK THIS STUFF AND IT WAS ON A Q-TIP.

ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER, I'M STARTING TO TRIP OUT, MAN.

I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE-- - [laughing]

- THIS IS LIKE MORE TRIPPING THAN IT SHOULD BE.

I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT EXACTLY

MADE ME WANT TO TAKE ALL OF MY CLOTHES OFF.

I FIGURE IT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL,

NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM, RIGHT?

I BASICALLY CAME TO IN JAIL.

- THAT'S GOTTA BE WEIRD TO COME TO IN JAIL.

- IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

- THAT'S LIKE THE LIVING HANGOVER.

- I THOUGHT FOR A WHILE THAT I HAD PUT MYSELF

IN JAIL IN MY OWN HEAD.

AND THAT WAS KIND OF SCARY.

- YOU'RE THE DUDE. - KIND OF. YEAH, YEAH.

COME A WEEK LATER, MY FRIEND CALLS ME UP AND HE'S LIKE,

"DUDE, YOU GOT TO GET ON YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU'RE ALL OVER YOUTUBE, MAN."

- DID IT MAKE YOU SICK THE FIRST TIME YOU WATCHED IT?

- IT WAS PRETTY HARD TO WATCH.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, POLICE BRUTALITY, NUDITY,

AND TASERS, AND-- - AND YOUR PENIS.

- AND MY PENIS.

- HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO PRISON SINCE THEN?

- ACTUALLY YEAH.

NOT PRISON BUT COUNTY JAIL.

- DID YOU TRY TO SUE THEM AT ALL?

- I'M NOT REALLY OUT TO MAKE A BUNCH OF MONEY

OFF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT?

- JUST THE SATISFACTION

OF TELLING THEM, "HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MANIACS.

UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION THAT YOU'RE IN AND CALM DOWN."

- AND THEY TASED ME IN THE NECK, THEY TASED ME NEAR THE HEART.

AND THOSE ARE THINGS THAT ARE AGAINST THE LAW

FOR THEM TO DO. - REPEATEDLY.

- TASERS CAN KILL PEOPLE.

- IT IS IRONIC, THOUGH, BECAUSE MOST VICTIMS OF

POLICE BRUTALITY ARE USUALLY BLACK GUYS WITH HUGE [bleep].

- RIGHT. I KNOW, WEIRD.

WHAT IF THE PERSON THAT WAS NAKED,

RUNNING AROUND COCHELLA WAS A WOMAN?

- AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CLITORIS.

- OH, GOD, THANKS.

DRUGS CAN KIND OF MAKE YOU SHRIVEL UP.

- HAVE YOU DONE LSD SINCE THEN?

- YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE.

- WELL, YOU GOTTA GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE.

- YEAH.

- KIDS, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD TRIP, TRY IT AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

- I'M A FIRE DANCER.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S STOP RIGHT THERE.

BECAUSE YOU SAID FIRE DANCER AND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS NORMAL.

- YEAH. - WHAT IS A FIRE DANCER?

- WELL, I DO JUGGLING, AND I DO POI, AND I DO BATONS,

AND STAFFS.

I'VE BEEN KIND OF A CIRCUS FREAK FOR A LONG TIME NOW.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SAW YOUR PENIS?

- IT WAS PRETTY SOON AFTER THE VIDEO WAS POSTED

THAT THEY STARTED PUTTING THE BLACK DOT OVER IT.

- AND IT'S KIND OF APPROPRIATE THEY USED A DOT.

- DEFINITELY HURTS MY GAME, YOU KNOW?

- DID IT COMPLETELY KILL YOUR GAME?

- IT'S NOT LIKE MY GAME WAS ALL THAT GOOD IN T FIRST PLACE.

BUT I MEAN, I'M USUALLY THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

I MEAN, I DANCE WITH FIRE. THAT'S KINDA COOL.

- HAS A WOMAN EVER SAID,

"YOU'RE THE BIGGEST MAN I HAVE BEEN WITH"?

- NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

- HOW BIG IS YOUR PENIS WHEN IT'S AROUSED?

- UM, MAYBE LIKE FIVE INCHES.

- OH, THAT IS QUITE THE TRANSFORMATION.

- YEAH, LIKE I SAID, I'M A GROWER NOT A SHOWER.

- IS IT THICK? - YEAH.

- HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED HAVING SEX WITH A LITTLE PERSON?

- NO.

- MY THEORY IS THAT IT WOULD LOOK A LOT BIGGER.

- THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA, ACTUALLY.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR OPPORTUNITY.

CAN YOU GUYS HELP US?

- THE WIZARD OF OZ CAN HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING YOU NEED.

- HE NEEDS A BIGGER PENIS,

AND HE'D LIKE TO SEE PAUL McCARTNEY.

I JUST WANT TO GET HOME.

- THEN FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.

IT'S A LONG JOURNEY, PAST A DARK GLADE,

PATROLLED BY THE WITCH'S WINGED MONKEY SOLDIERS.

- FORGET THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD AND THOSE FLYING AIDS MONKEYS.

GOOGLE MAPS SAYS IT'S FOUR BLOCKS THIS WAY.

LET'S GO, COME ON.

- I KNOW YOU, YOU'RE THAT PUSSY LION.

- NO, I AM AZLAN.

I'M HERE TO CONVINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ

TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST INTO HIS HEART.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

- I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S THERE.

I'VE BEEN WAITING QUITE AWHILE.

- HUH.

- BEAT IT, JESUS FREAK.

- I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ.

KOO-KOO-KACHOO. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- WHOA! PAUL MCCARTNEY, YOU'RE THE WIZARD?

- THAT'S RIGHT, LOVE.

SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET TO SEE ME AT COACHELLA.

[dog barks]

- WHAT IS IT, BOY? IS SOMETHING BACK HERE?

both: JAMES VAN DER BEEK!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- THE BEEK IS AN ENIGMA, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE I'LL POP UP.

SO...

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- GOD DAMMIT, YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING.

UH, MR. BEEK, I JUST WANNA GO HOME.

HE'D LIKE A BIGGER PENIS.

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, THROW A FEW INCHES MY WAY.

- HE DOESN'T NEED A BIGGER PENIS.

HE'S HAD A BIG PENIS INSIDE HIM THIS WHOLE TIME.

- OH!

[audience oohs]

- I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE.

- GET US OUT OF HERE, DANIEL, HUH?

- THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME,

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME,

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

[dance music playing]

OH. IT WAS ALL A WET DREAM.

- YEP.

- WAS JAMES VAN DER BEEK IN YOURS?

- ALWAYS.

- ME TOO.

- YEAH.

- THE BEEK. I LOVE THE BEEK.

[applause]

HOW MANY OF YOU KNEW THE BEEK WAS GONNA BE THE WIZARD?

THAT IS CLASSIC BEEK!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. BUT FIRST, DID I WIN?

[cheering]

- OH!

- DID I WIN?

[laughter, applause]

- HEY. SOME OF MY GUYS HAVE ASKED

IF I WOULD TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MY SENSITIVE NIPS SESSION.

FOR SOME OF THEM,

IT CAN BE REALLY ALMOST HOT WIRED TO THEIR GENITALS.

[laughter, audience oohs]

- THIS IS BOB.

[laughter]

HE'S A PLEASURE COACH.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT

HE LIVES RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM ME

IN WEST HOLLYWOOD?

EVERYBODY GET YOUR SHIRTS OFF.

TO REWARD YOU FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK,

I BROUGHT IN MY PLEASURE COACH TO GIVE YOU EACH

AN INDIVIDUAL SENSITIVE NIP SESSION.

[applause] - WHOO!

- HEY, EVERYBODY. - HEY!

- BOB'S HERE. - HEY!

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- ALL RIGHT.

- INTERTWINE YOUR FINGERS. AROUND MY HEAD.

[laughter]

- [laughing] LOOK AT THAT...

[speaks indistinctly]

OH, GOD.

[laughter]

NOW, HE'S PRETTY HAIRY.

IS THERE AN ADVANTAGE TO BEING HAIRY, THOUGH?

- WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE THERE

TO GRAB A HOLD OF.

- OH... - YEAH.

- I'M STARTING SEE THE ADVANTAGES.

- [laughing] WELL...

MY GOAL IS TO TEACH PEOPLE

TO BE MORE AWARE OF THEIR EROGENOUS ZONES.

OOH, HE'S A HANDFUL.

- NOW, HE'S A SOLID B CUP.

[laughter]

- SOMETIMES AN EXTRA LITTLE PINCH

IS APPRECIATED.

- SOMETIMES...

- EVEN AN ADDITIONAL PINCH IS APPRECIATED.

- OH! THERE WE GO. I LIKE THIS.

I THINK I APPROVE OF THIS.

- YEAH. IT SLIPPED.

[laughter]

[audience oohs]

- OH...

- NICE GRADUAL, GENTLE SUCTION

THAT SOMETIMES CAN MAKE THOSE LITTLE PUPPIES

PERK UP A LITTLE BIT

LIKE THOSE.

- [chuckles]

- OH, THIS LOOKS NICE.

- SO... - OH!

[laughter]

OH!

[laughter]

NO, DON'T DO THAT!

- THAT ONE NEEDS MORE-- - RED HURTS!

IT REALLY HURTS.

- IT'S A DIFFERENT DIAMETER. - OH, OKAY.

- READY? - YEP.

- LOOK AT ME. - OHH!

- [laughs] SAY THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - YOU BET!

- [speaks indistinctly]

- SO WHO'S READY FOR THE ULTRA MASSAGE?

- BOB, THAT IS ME! THAT IS ME!

[classical violin music]

OOH! [chuckles]

OH, GOOD.

- MM.

YEAH. - THE ANAL CRANIAL.

- OHH, I LOVE THE ANGLE!

[laughs]

THAT IS--OH!

OH, GOD, YES!

I THINK I'M FINISHED.

I KEEP THINKING EVERY BIT WE DO

IS GONNA BE THE GAYEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE,

BUT SOMEHOW WE ALWAYS MANAGE TO TOP OURSELVES.

IF YOU WANNA BOOK YOUR OWN ANAL CRANIAL,

AMD TRUST ME, YOU DO,

GO TO THIS WEBSITE AND TELL 'EM DANIEL SENT YOU.

BY THE WAY, WE'RE STILL LOOKING FOR WHAT COLLEGE TO GO TO

ON OUR CAMPUS INVASION.

OUR LATEST SUBMISSION COMES TO US

FROM MICHIGAN STATE.

- DANIEL TOSH, WE'RE ALL GONNA TELL YOU

WHY US SPARTAN CHICKS

WANT YOU TO COME TO VISIT US, OKAY?

- HE'S SEXY!

all: [speaking over each other]

- IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY. I CAN'T BE ON THIS.

BUT THE DANIEL FISHER SHOW... - OH!

- ALL RIGHT, WE HAVEN'T PICKED A WINNER YET,

BUT BASED ON THAT VIDEO,

MICHIGAN STATE IS OUT OF THE RUNNING.

YOUR SCHOOL SEEMS AWFUL, AND YOUR GIRLS ARE ANNOYING.

KEEP SENDING IN YOUR SUBMISSIONS.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM CREAMCOMEDY.COM.

- HEY. THIS IS MY MERCEDES.

- MA'AM. - HE'S MY--WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?

- MA'AM. MA'AM, IS THIS YOUR VEHICLE?

- YES, IS MY SON OKAY?

[woman speaking over police radio]

[laughter]

- WON'T BE NEEDING THAT ONE ANYMORE.

- NO...

- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE.

[cheers, applause]

[cheers, applause]

- WELCOME BACK.

DID YOU GUYS SEE THE OPRAH FINALE

WHERE SHE REVEALED SHE'S BEEN TYLER PERRY THIS WHOLE TIME?

[laughter]

NEXT WEEK THE BUG AND MOUTH REPORTER STOPS BY

FOR A WEB REDEMPTION.

- WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON THAT THURSDAY

HERE AT AUGUSTA HIGH SCHOOL

THAT LEAD TO CHRIS WOODS' DEATH?

WHAT THE [bleep] IS THAT?

[bleep]

I'M DYING IN THIS [bleep] COUNTRY-ASS,

[bleep]-UP TOWN.

- I MISS CHOCOLATE NEWS.

BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE

FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE.

THAT'S IN CANADA.

WHEN YOU GO ON TOUR, YOU HAVE A RIDER,

WHICH IS A LIST OF STUFF YOU WANT IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM.

KATY PERRY HAS DOZENS OF THINGS ON THERE--

FLOWERS, SOFT PINK WALLS, A CHEATING HUSBAND.

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE ON MINE.

FOUR BOTTLES OF SMART WATER.

WHY? BECAUSE THE PERFORMER IS THE ONE

WHO ACTUALLY PAYS FOR WHAT'S ON THE RIDER.

BUT I'M A PRETTY BIG DEAL NOW, OR SO I TELL MYSELF.

[laughter]

SO I WENT TO TWITTER TO SEE WHAT ELSE I SHOULD ASK FOR.

SOME MOTHER[bleep] STEAK.

A 3-D TV SO DERRICK ROSE CAN SIT IN THE CORNER

AND FEEL LIKE HE IS IN THE NBA FINALS.

[audience oohs]

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS. L-O-L.

IT'S NOT EASTER ANYMORE.

IT'S GONNA BE REAL HARD TO FIND THOSE

NOW THAT IT'S NOT EASTER.

A BOTTLE OF "YOU SUCK ASS."

AH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT IF THEY'RE ALL OUT OF THAT,

MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE A GLASS OF "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE."

[laughter]

BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, showARK501.

A SIGNED COPY OF GOOSEBUMPS BY R.L. STINE.

[laughter, applause]

IT'S NOT AN EASY GET.

ROBOT ARMS.

ONLY THE ARMS,

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY COOL PART

OF THE ROBOTIC SYSTEM.

JACKIE CHAN

AND $500 WORTH OF SOUR WORMS

WITH THE SOUR ALREADY SUCKED OFF.

DOES JACKIE SUCK THE SOUR?

YES, JACKIE SUCKS THE SOUR.

MEXICANS COOKING YOU TACOS AND OTHER HISPANIC TREATS.

[laughter]

A BLACK GUY TO BLAME STUFF ON.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

IT'S RACIST, BUT NOT A BAD IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF COMEDY FOR THE NIGHT.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[cheers, applause]

[gunshots]

- THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT THOUGHT THAT I WAS DRUNK.

- YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU READ DRUNK AT ALL.

- NO. NO. I MEAN, IF I WAS-- - POSSIBLY A SUPERHERO.

- IF I WAS DRUNK, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE FOUGHT BACK, YOU KNOW?

- SO HOW LONG WERE YOU ACTUALLY IN JAIL FOR?

- MAYBE 14 HOURS, 16 HOURS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- WHERE DID YOU WALK FROM THE JAIL?

- WHEN I ACTUALLY WAS RELEASED FROM JAIL,

I SAW ONE OF MY FRIENDS THAT I WAS WITH,

AND THE FIRST THING THAT I ASKED HIM WAS "WHAT HAPPENED?"

AND HE WAS LIKE,

"DUDE, I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL US, MAN."