Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET AND IS INTENDED FOR

A LA TOUR AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

[LAUGHING]

*

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> NOTHING WII ABOUT HER.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O AFTER THE

OVERWHELMINGLY HOSTILE RESPONSE

FROM LAST WEEK'S WORLD ROBE

CHOICE I THOUGHT A LESS EXPOSED

ARM WOULD BE MORE.

YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO

HANDLE BARE SHOULDERS.

TONIGHT BOOM BOOM THE DYNAMITE

IS HERE FOR A WEB RETKEPGS, I

SHOW YOU MY BRILLIANT INVENTION

AND GIRLS SAY STUFF YOU NEVER

WANT TO HEAR.

LET'S GO BACK TO THE CROWDED

LIVING ROOM.

I'M GOING TO SAY IT NOBODY LOOKS

BAD IN A THONG.

FOR SIZE WE HAVE FRENCHY IN

FRONT OF AN I MAX SCREEN.

I THINK I KNOW WHERE THE MISSING

CONTROLLER WENT.

NICE FORM THERE HAS.

FATS LOVE BOWLING.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT BLACK

GUYS SEE IN THIS.

[LAUGHING]

>> IT'S A STATUS THING.

SPEAKING OF ELEPHANTS ...

[LAUGHING]

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM IS THAT

ELEPHANT GIVING SOME GUY A HAPPY

ENDING.

EVERYTHING IN THAILAND INVOLVES

GETTING YOUR PINE IS TOUCHED BY

SOMETHING UNDERAGE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MANY HOURS

IT TOOK TO BEAT THE BAR INTO

LEARNING THIS.

AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS TO

WORK THE BALLS.

[LAUGHING]

>> I'M ON THE FENCE ABOUT THIS

NEXT VIDEO.

>> HI.

(OH).

>> JOSH, YOU IDIOT.

>> WE HAVE TO STOP PUTTING

PLAYGROUNDS SO CLOSE TO THE

BORDER.

SOMETIME WHEN YOU FLING FOR THE

FENCES YOU END UP WRECKING YOUR

PAINT.

LET'S TAKE A RIDE ON THE CRAZY

TRAIN.

I THINK SO LOOK I'M TRIPPING.

[BEEP] NOBODY LOOK, NOBODY IS IN

THE METRO [BEEP] AHH!

>> THIS IS WHAT ROSA PARKS WAS

FIGHTING FOR.

[LAUGHING]

>> THE METRO ALL BY MYSELF.

>> BEST WAY TO BE ALONE IN THE

METRO IS TO RUN AROUND

SKRAEUPLING, AND BE A BLACK GUY.

ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE ON THE NEXT

CAR ARE COWERING IN FEAR.

YOU REALLY WANT TO BE ALONE GO

SEE "XMEN FIRST CLASS."

>> CAN YOU SEE ME?

CAN YOU SEE ME?

>> AHHH! I CAN DO WHATEVER I

WANT.

>> I FOAL THE SAME WAY WHENEVER

MY GIRLFRIEND ISN'T AROUND.

>> I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS.

THERE IS NO ONE IN THIS SUBARU.

I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS SUBARU.

I'M FREAKING THE [BEEP] OUT!

>> -- THE CUPCAKE ALL ALONE.

THERE IS NO ONE ON THIS SET.

AHHH!

CAN, I CAN DO THIS.I

I CAN BE LIKE, AHHH!

YA, I'M SO ALONE.

I'M TRIPPING OUT.

LOOK AT THIS.

I AM ALL ALONE IN MY BED.

[LAUGHING]

>> NO YOU'RE NOT.

[BEEP]

>> AHHH!

>> HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO

ENJOYS A MOUTHFUL OF WOOD.

>> OH ...

>> THANKS A LOT, HELMET.

YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR CHEEK

THERE, THE OTHER SIDE.

I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB

HERE AND SAY THAT HURT.

>> TECHNICALLY THAT NEEDS TO BE

IN THERE.

>> TECHNICALLY YOU NEED TO WATER

IT TWICE A DAY AND MAKE SURE IT

GETS PLENTY OF SUN LIGHT OR GET

A BIRD TO PERCH ON IT.

WHAT'S NEXT.

>> BIG GIRL.

>> HUH-UH.

>> SHAKE THAT SQUIRREL.

TOP LESS CHICKS WITH DEAD

ANIMALS, I'M IN.

LET'S FIND OUT HOW TO RAYS A

PSYCHOPATH IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

>> SHE'S PLAYING WITH A DEAD

QUIRREL!!S

OR PLAYING WITH BARBIE.

THAT MAY GIVE HER AN EATING

DISORDER BUT SHE WON'T GET FULL

BLOWN RABIES.

THIS GIRL WILL BE A SERIAL

KILLER WHEN SHE GROWS UP OR

WORST NEXT SARAH PALIN.

>> WHAT WILL YOU DO AFTER THIS?

>> STARTERS TAKE AWAY THE NUMBER

ONE DAD MUG.

I BLAME THE MOVIES.

KIDS SEE A COUPLE OF CHIPMUNKS

AND JASON LEE AND THEY WANT THEM

FOR THEMSELVES.

IT'S SQUIRREL, DUMMY.

HERE COMES MOM TO RESTORE SOME

ORDER OR JUST STAND THERE AND

LET THE CAMERA ZOOM IN ON YOUR

TITTIES.

SOLID RACK, AND THE MOM'S ARE

PRETTY NICE TOO.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH, TOOK YOU AN HOUR.

[LAUGHING]

>> SUDDENLY THE SQUIRREL ISN'T

THE ONLY THING GETTING STIFF

AROUND HERE.

IMAGINE WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE

LIKE WHEN THAT DOG DIES.

SHE WILL PROBABLY HOLLOW OUT THE

CARCASS AND USE IT AS A SLEEPING

BAG.

>> WE HAVE TO PUT THE SQUIRREL

DOWN AND TAKE A BATH NOW.

>> A BATH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY

HAVE IN DOOR PLUMBING.

YOU WILL NEED LAVA SOAP AND

BLEACH TO SCRUB THE DISEASE OFF

HER.

>> HI.

>> WHILE YOU'RE AT IT HAVE YOUR

FRIENDS AND RELATIVES CALL CHILD

PROTECTIVE SERVICES AND GET THE

HELL OUT OF THERE.

I'M GLAD WE GOT TO SEE THE FIRST

FATHER DAUGHTER SNUFF FILM.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH BOOM GOES

THE DYNAMITE.

BEFORE WE GO LET ME GET THAT FOR

THE.

>> BEFORE THE BASEBALL TEAM

KICKS OFF THE CONFERENCE SEASON

THIS WEEKEND THE CARDS WILL

BATTLE IN INDIANA TOMORROW.

TOMORROW'S GAME WILL BE THE

MEETING BETWEEN THE TWO BEATING

BOTH --

[LAUGHING]

>> IT SEEMS -- WE, IT SEEMS

EVERY WEEK THEY HAVE A PLAYER

...

[LAUGHING]

A

PLAYER ...

SHAKE IT AND BOOM GOES THE

DYNAMITE.

>> BOOM GOES THE CAREER.

THAT'S BRIAN ONE TAKE COLLINS.

IN ONE OF THE WORST SPORTS CAST

HE CREATED A GREAT CATCH PHRASE.

HOW ABOUT DOWN GOES FRAZIER, DO

YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AND

WRONG HOLE KOBE.

GETTING A SPORTS JOB IS HARD.

BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS $50,000

A YEAR AND LIVE IN BRISTOL,

CONNECTICUT.

THAT NETWORK HAS RUINED SPORTS

ANCHORS.

NOW EVERYONE THINKS THEY NEED TO

BE HILARIOUS.

SPORTS IS NOT TO BE FUNNY, JUST

DON'T TELL THAT TO COMEDY

CENTRAL.

THERE IS A REASON PEOPLE PAY SO

MUCH TO GO TO THE GAME.

THEY CAN WATCH WITHOUT HEARING

YOU TALK.

HOW IS CHRIS BURRMAN ALIVE HE

CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH A SENTENCE

WITHOUT SOUNDING COMPLETELY

WINDED.

HE SOUNDS LIKE A DOLPHIN WITH

TOURETTES.

I GET IT KURT HERBSTREIT IS

BEAUTIFUL.

BUT IT'S EASY SITTING NEXT TO AN

80-YEAR-OLD STROKE VICTIM.

I DON'T USE THE WORD COLOR

COMMENTATOR I'M NOT RACE IS.

I APPRECIATE JOHN MADDEN BUT

CAN'T FORGIVE HIM FOR MAKING

FRANK CALIENDO'S CAR AOERP.

WHY DOES HE HAVE THE HAIRCUT OF

A LION.

THE ONLY ONE WORTH A DAMN IS

MARV ALBERT AND HE TRIED TO EAT

A WOMAN.

BY THE WAY DANA JAKE ONSON LOOKS

LIKE CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

SIDELINE REPORTERS ARE VOTE

KPHRAO*ETLY UNNECESSARY.

I'M PRET YOU'RE SURE A HEAD

COACH ISN'T HANDING OUT TYPE

SECRET INFORMATION TO A MIDDLE

AGED WOMEN IN A SPORTS SUIT.

WE FLEW BOOM TO THE BEST SPORTS

CITY IN AMERICA THAT DOESN'T

WANT A NFL TEAM IN THIS WEEK'S

WEB RETKEPGS.

BOOYA!

>> BOOM, GET IN.

>> ALRIGHT.

>> I HAVE A HOT STORY.

>> I DON'T THINK YOU CAN PARK

HERE.

THIS IS A HANDICAP SPOT.

>> BETWEEN MY IBS AND YOUR

INABILITY TO READ A TELEPROMPTER

WE CALL PHI.

LET'S GO.

>> BRIAN, WAS THIS A CLASS OR

LIKE THE SCHOOL BROADCAST.

WHAT WAS IT.

>> HERE IS THE THING A LOT OF

PEOPLE FORGET THIS.

THAT WAS COLLEGE.

NOT ONLY COLLEGE MY FRESHMAN

YEAR.

FIRST TIME BEING ON AIR PERIOD.

I NEVER STEPPED IN FRONT OF A

CAMERA BEFORE THAT.

I WAS DOING IT ON THE FLY TOO. I

WAS COVERING STUFF I DIDN'T KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT.

>> SPORTS OR JUST BASKETBALL.

>> I REALLY KNEW A LOT ABOUT

SPORTS BUT NOT ABOUT BASKETBALL.

>> GOT IT.

>> CLEARLY SOMETHING I SHOULD OF

THOUGHT ABOUT BEFORE I WENT ON

AIR I SHOULD OF RESEARCHED THE

NAMES OR SOMETHING.

>> IT READ HONEST.

HE'S IN OVER HIS HEAD.

YOU WANT THEM TO TRIUMPH.

IT NEVER HAPPENS.

HOW LONG WERE YOU ON THE AIR

THAT SEGMENT.

>> I REMEMBER THE SECOND SEGMENT

THEY WERE SLOWING ME DOWN.

I THOUGHT THEY WOULD PULL ME.

THEY SAID NO.

>> WHAT DID YOU DO LATER THAT

NIGHT.

>> I WALKED HOME IN THE RAIN.

>> THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

>> DID YOU COME UP WITH BOOM

GOES THE DYNAMITE OR HOW DID YOU

COME UP WITH IT.

>> MY FRIENDS IN COLLEGE WE

PLAYED MARIO CART A LOT.

THAT'S WHAT WE DID, WE CAME UP

WITH OUR OWN CATCH PHRASES.

>> WHEN YOU PLAYED MARIO CART

AND WON YOU SKRAEUPLD "BOOM GOES

THE DYNAMITE."

>> A GOOD POINT TO YELL IT OUT

IS WHEN YOU HIT SOMEONE WITH A

GREEN SHELL.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE AIM.

>> DID THIS HELP OR HURT YOUR

SITUATION WITH THE LADIES.

>> IT HURT.

>> YOU HAVE YELLED "BOOM GO THE

DYNAMITE" WHILE HAVING SEX?

>> I NOT HAVE.

I'M SURE THAT IS WHERE THE DATE

WOULD END AND THERE WOULD BE NO

OTHER DATE AFTER THAT.

>> IT MIGHT BE A GOOD WAY TO GET

THEM OUT IF THAT WAS YOUR GOAL.

>>WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS

CASTER?

>> BOB COSTIS.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS

ABOUT BOB.

IN HIS OFF TIME HE DRESSES IN

INTRODUCING.

>> I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

>> BOB IS A DRAG QUEEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AS A LIVING

NOW.

>> I WORK AS A FREELANCE

REPORTER JOURNALIST.

>> YOU ARE TKPWROEUPBDING IT OUT

IN THE BUSINESS.

>> YES.

>> DO YOU SAY THAT IN EVERY

BROADCAST.

>>

>> I SAY IT UNDER MY BREATH.

>> WHAT ABOUT A SPORTS CAST

WOULD YOU DID I HAVE NATELY SAY

IT?

>> BELIEVE IT OR NOT I HAVEN'T

DONE A SPORTS CAST SINCE THAT

DAY.

NOT ONE.

>> MAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE

EXCITING.

>> HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT

CALLING OUR STAFF PICKUP GAME.

>> I WOULD DO IT.

>> GUSS JOHNSON ALSO DOES IT BY

THE WAY, EVERY WEEK.

>> HI, I'M GUSS JOHNSON.

>> I'M BRIAN COLLINS.

>> WELCOME TO THE TOSH.O STAFF

GAME.

BRIAN, WHAT CAN WE EXPECT TO SEE

TODAY?

>> BASED ON THE LACK OF

DIVERSITY.

SUB SHOTS AND LAYUPS THIS

AFTERNOON.

>> OKAY TIME TO JOIN THE THIRD

MEMBER OF OUR TEAM, DANIEL.

>> ONES AND TWOS CALL YOUR OWN

FOULS, WINNERS BUYS LUNCH.

START THE GAME, YOU IDIOT.

>> OVER THE CORNER, TURNS IT

OVER IN CROSS TOWN TRAFFIC.

>> HE'S GOING TO ROB THE BANK

SHOT.

>> WHAT A NICE TEARDROP.

>> FROM 2 FEET OUT.

>> IRON ON KIND.

>> BOUNCE IT'S OFF HIS LEFT

HOLE.

>> HIGH RISER.

>> DIALED UP LIKE A MODEM.

[LAUGHING]

>> RISE AND FIRE.

>> OH, OH DOUBLE DRIBBLE.

>> HE HAS A HOT SOFT HANDLE.

>> FROM THE MARKING LOT.

>> SHAZAM.

>> OH MAN LOOKS LIKE HE ROLLED

AN ANGER.

>> DO DANIEL FOR A UPDATE.

>> HE GOT HURT.

BACK TO YOU, BOOM.

>> EASY, BREEZY BEAUTIFUL COVER

GIRL.

[LAUGHING]

[BEEP]

>> HALF WAY DOWN POPS OUT.

THAT WON'T GO.

>> THAT IS NO GOOD.

>> OFF THE BACK RIM.

IT RATTLES OUT.

>> ZERO, ZERO SKILLS.

>> WOW, THEY MISS ANOTHER ONE.

0 FOR A LIFETIME AS THEY

CONTINUE TO FIRE BRICK AFTER

BRICK.

>> AH, TITTIES.

>> I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE THAT.

>> GUSS T IS ALL TIED UP.

>> DO OR DIE SITUATION FOR THE

TOSH.O CHAMPIONSHIP.

SHOT IS UP.

>> HE GRINDS THE CHARGE.

>> HE HAS --

>> AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

[BEEP]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANKS GUSS

JOHNSON FOR QUITTING CBS SPORTS

TO DO OUR SHOW.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

FIRST IT'S OUR PRANK OF THE

WEEK.

>> I'M IN.

I'M IN.

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> DRESS IRRESPONSIBLY PAC SUN.

>> WHEN YOU HIT A CERTAIN AGE

ABOUT 30 THINGS START TO HAPPEN

WITH YOUR BODY . PARTS SHIFT,

THEY SAG, THEY ALTER, THEY MOVE

AROUND.

WE HAVE TO START DOING SOMETHING

TO PREPARE.

>> SEE HOW IT LOOKS.

OH ...

>> THANKS FOR THAT AMAZING

INVENTION HER [BEEP] FEEL LIKE

COMING FROM A WOMAN HALF HER

AGE.

I INVENTED SOMETHING.

I WENT ON SHARK TANK WHERE YOU

PRESENT YOUR IDEA TO A PANEL OF

RICH [BEEP].

>> HELLO SHARK, I'M DANIEL

ATTORNEY I'M THE PROUD INVENTER

OF THE HIGH TOILET.

NOBODY WANTS YOUR MONEY ANYWAYS,

OLD LADY.

SORRY.

THE PROBLEM OF TOILETS IS THE

AMOUNT OF SPLASH THAT COMES WITH

PINCHING A LOAF.

NO PROBLEM THEN POOP INFESTED

WATER HITTING YOUR SKIN WHEN YOU

TAKE A DUMP.

THANKS TO MY HIGH TOILET IT'S A

THING OF THE PAST.

IT'S AS EASY AS TAKING A RUNNING

START, JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE

AND HITTING IT ASS FIRST.

AND NOW I WILL BEGIN POOPING

JUST AS I WOULD AS IF I WAS ON A

NORMAL TOILET.

BY INCREASING THE DISTANCE

BETWEEN MY ANUS AND TOILET WATER

THE CHANCES OF MY PRIVATES

GETTING FLASHED ARE LESS AND I

GET A [BEEP] HIGH DIVE.

I'M LOOKING FOR A TEN MILLION

DOLLAR INVESTMENT, ONE PERCENT

FOR MY INVENTION.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU 50 THOUSANDS

DOLLARS FOR 51%.

>> I WILL NOT GIVE YOU 51% OF MY

IDEA.

>> I'M OUT.

>> I'M OUT.

>> I'M OUT.

>> BUT MAINLY BECAUSE I'M IN THE

SAME BUSINESS.

>> CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY JEFF

FOXWORTHY IS HERE.

HIS MUSTACHE MAKES ME

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY PANTS

DOWN.

>> WOULD YOU GO TO 4 MILLION?

>> WE HAVE A DEAL.

>> NOW SOMEONE COULD HELP ME

DOWN AND I COULD WIPE.

I'M STILL WORKING ON A HIGH

TOILET FOR HANDICAP STALLS IT

WILL INCLUDE A CATAPULT.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR

WEBSITE.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS FROM JOSH

FELLMAN.

>> READY TO HAVE A BABY.

COME ON, COME OUT, COME OUT.

[LAUGHING]

>> HEY!

>> I GO BACK IN.

>> NO.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH, THE BAR HAS BEEN RAISED.

THESE VIEWER VIDEOS ARE REALLY

GETTING GOOD.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

OFFSIDES WITH DON.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WELCOME BACK.

NEXT WEEK THE NAKED WIZARD AND

HIS TINY PENIS GET A WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> GET READY BECAUSE THAT WEB

REDEMPTION CONTAINS THE BIGGEST

CELEBRITY CAMEO WE HAVE.

FIND ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS.

CHECK OUT OUR DIELY BLOG AT TOSH

OMEDYCENTRAL.COM.TOSH.C

TICKETS ON SALE FOR VEGAS.

AND STUFF YOU NEVER WANT GIRLS

TO SAY.

>> MY PARENTS ARE SO EXCITED TO

MEET YOU.

>> THE THOUGHT OF COUNTING

CALORIES AND ENJOYING MY LIFE.

>> I THINK MY HAIR WOULD LOOK

CUTE IF I CUT IT REALLY SHORT.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST

FRIEND.

EURPBLTS BIRTH CONTROL, I

HAVEN'T TAKEN IT FOR WEEKS.

>> LET'S TAKE A CLASS TOGETHER.

>> HEY, I WENT THROUGH YOUR

E-MAILS WHO IS MELISSA.

>> GUESS WHO WAS IN THE PARKING

LOT LAST NIGHT.

>> WHY DON'T YOU CHAT WITH ME AT

WORK.

>> I GOT THE WEEKEND OFF TO

SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER.

>> WILL YOU TEACH ME HOW TO DO

SOMETHING.

>> YOU SHOULD COME TO BIBLE

STUDY WITH ME.

>> HAO*EU.

OW LONG DID YOU MAKE ITHIGH.>> H

BEFORE YOU FOUND THOSE GIRLS

UNATTRACTIVE.

>> LADIES NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO

THINK OF THINKS YOU DON'T WANT

GUYS TO SAY.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANY I'M TOO

BUSY WORKING TO PAY FOR KWR*U YOUR

[BEEP].

>> 30 MORE MINUTES, 30 MORE

>> SHABAM.

>> DO A GREAT DUNK I WOULD SAY

THEY'RE CHASING A RABBIT DOWN

THE HOLE.

>> CHASING THE RABBIT.