Original subtitles

- ALL RIGHT, I WANT A CLEAN MATCH.

[indistinct shouting]

- AAH!

- IS IT OUT?

[audience ohs] - VICTORY!

[cheers and applause]

[laid-back hip-hop music]

*

- USA, USA.

RELEASE THE PHOTO, OBAMA.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

I HOPE YOUR BREAK WAS AS LUCRATIVE AS MINE.

AS USUAL, EVERYONE IS DYING TO KNOW

WHAT MY NEW WARDROBE WILL BE.

WELL, LET'S PUT AN END TO ALL THE SPECULATION

BECAUSE IT'S OFFICIALLY THE SUMMER

OF EXPOSED ARMS.

[cheers and applause]

AH.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU WILL BE SEEING SOME TO ALL OF THESE BAD BOYS

FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER.

AND, YES, THOSE ARE TAN LINES.

I SURF ON THE REG.

TONIGHT ON THE GUN SHOW,

I SHOWER YOU WITH CHOCOLATE RAIN,

MANNY PACQUIAO PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE,

AND I ANNOUNCE THE WINNER

OF THE TOSH.0 GRANDMA DEATH POOL.

NOW, LET'S HEAD BACK

TO THE MOST DEADLY FOURTH OF JULY EVER...

MINUS THE ORIGINAL.

- IS IT OUT?

- OH!

- VICTORY!

- FLAWLESS VICTORY.

LISTEN, I LIKED TAKING A HOT LOAD TO THE FACE

AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY,

BUT THIS IS DANGEROUS.

- OH!

- REMINDS ME OF HOW MUCH I HATE KATY PERRY.

DO THEY STILL PLAY THAT FIREWORK SONG?

[scattered chuckles]

THAT WOULD BE THE-- THE JOKE.

[laughter]

NOW, CAN SOMEONE HELP ME MOVE THIS TABLE?

BEHOLD THE POWER OF PLEDGE.

THOSE ARE SOME STRONG CHOMPERS.

HE MUST BE PART BEAVER.

FOUR OUT FIVE DENTISTS SAY THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

THE FIFTH IS FROM ALABAMA.

HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?

ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO CATCH IT?

- YEAH.

- LIFT YOUR COMPUTERS UP, GUYS.

[audience groaning]

OH, BAD IDEA!

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

DID ONE OF YOU BOLT THE TABLE DOWN?

UNBOLT IT.

LET'S GO AGAIN.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH SOMETHING FROM IKEA...

LIKE A SKOL OR A BJORG.

CHECK OUT THIS PARTY FOUL.

[hip-hop music]

*

- [screams]

- THE BACHELOR PARTY

WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY BORING, SWEETIE.

LET'S PUT 90 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

WHAT THE "H"? THAT'S NOT OUR BIT.

I MEAN 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST.

OH, SHE'S ACTUALLY CLEANER NOW.

THIS PROVES HE'S READY FOR MARRIAGE,

BECAUSE ANY OTHER WOMAN IS GROSS TO HIM.

OH, HE MUST HAVE CAUGHT A WHIFF OF CROTCH.

[audience groans]

YOU'LL NOTICE IN YOUR CHECK I THREW IN AN EXTRA $50

BECAUSE I PUKED ON YOU.

GET BACK THERE, HONEY.

THE SONG'S NOT OVER YET.

ALL HER FRIENDS AT "LAW SCHOOL"

ARE GONNA LOVE THIS STORY.

[electronic tone]

IS SEEING A WOMAN WRECK ON A SNOWBOARD ENJOYABLE?

- WHOO, [bleep].

[audience ohs]

- YES.

OH, SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN SMART

AND JUMPED FROM THE LADIES' TEES.

NEXT YEAR SHE'LL BE COMPETING

IN THE SPECIAL X-GAMES.

DO THEY HAVE THOSE YET?

BECAUSE THAT IS A CAN'T-MISS IDEA, RED BULL.

- WHOO, [bleep].

- OH, YEAH.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GRIND ON YOUR WOMANHOOD LIKE THAT.

IT'S BAD FOR THE BABY.

YOU KNOW WHERE THAT NEVER HAPPENS, LADIES?

THE KITCHEN.

COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS ONE.

HERE'S WHY YOU HAVE TO WAIT A HALF HOUR

BEFORE GETTING IN THE WATER.

- [muffled] OH, MY GOD!

- I LOVE SHARK WEEK.

PROBABLY HAD A CUBAN FOR LUNCH.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN ELIAN IN A WHILE.

COME ON, HOW ABOUT A COUPLE COURTESY FLUSHES THERE, JAWS?

NO NEED TO WIPE.

THE OCEAN IS LIKE A GIANT BIDET.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[audience ohs]

[bleep] GETS CRAZY WHEN YOU START CHARGING

FOR CHIPS AND SALSA.

LET'S FIND OUT WHY WHITE PEOPLE

SHOULD STICK TO CHIPOTLE

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN BELL GRANDE.

[cheers and applause]

WELCOME TO TACOS DEL RIO,

LOCATED EXCLUSIVELY IN THE GANG-RIDDEN NEIGHBORHOOD

OF EAST L.A.

THE ONLY PLACE MORE DANGEROUS IS THE PARKING LOT

AT DODGER STADIUM.

LUNCH IS ABOUT TO GO FROM MILD TO MUY CALIENTE.

IS THAT PRO BOWL TACKLE JON RUNYAN?

NEVER MESS WITH A WHITE DUDE IN A 69 JERSEY.

I BET HIS PLAN IS TO BOTH GIVE AND RECEIVE SOME BLOWS.

OH.

HE JUST GOT RUINED BY THE GUY IN THE COSBY SWEATER.

[imitating Bill Cosby] YOU SEE.

[normal voice] FINALLY, SOME REAL BEEF IN THIS TACO SHACK.

OH, LOOK, HIS FRIENDS STORM IN

LIKE NAVY SEAL TEAM 6.

TOO BAD THEY'RE WHITE, SO THEY'RE ABOUT AS USELESS

AS THOSE WEIRD PICKLED CARROTS THEY HAVE

AT MEXICAN RESTAURANTS.

AT LEAST HE'S USING THE TABLE.

THAT'S THINKING OUTSIDE THE BUN.

OH, THANK GOD, 69 IS AWAKE AND MOVING.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S OKAY.

[audience groans]

OR MAYBE NOT.

TAKE IT EASY, ESE.

HIS HEAD ISN'T FILLED WITH CANDY.

TURNS OUT A WET BURRITO

REALLY SLOWS DOWN YOUR REFLEXES.

OH.

I BET HIS FATHER WAS A BULLFIGHTER.

THE RACE WAR IS FINALLY OVER,

AND ALL THE SUSPECTS OF COLOR WISELY FLEE THE SCENE.

I'M JUST GLAD TACOS DEL RIO HAS

THE CLEAREST SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE

I'VE EVER SEEN, AND FOR THAT WE SAY,

"ANDALE, ANDALE, ARRIBA, ARRIBA!"

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TAY ZONDAY.

BUT FIRST, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO.

all: WAY-HO.

[mouse clicks]

[singing with Norwegian accent] - * BOOM, BOOM, BOOM

* NOW LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO *

* I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM

* EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO

* I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM

* NOW LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO *

* I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO *

[electronic beat begins] - * WAY-HO

- * BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO *

- * WAY-HO

- * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, NOW EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO *

- * WAY-HO

- * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO *

- * WAY-HO

[dramatic keyboard music]

*

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

* SOME STAY DRY, AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

* A BABY BORN WILL DIE BEFORE THEY SIN *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

* THE SCHOOL BOOKS SAY IT CAN'T BE HERE AGAIN *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

* THE PRISONS MAKE YOU WONDER WHERE IT WENT *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

- THAT SONG IS ABOUT DIARRHEA.

AND THAT DEEP-VOICED CROONER IS TAY ZONDAY.

WITH 66 MILLION VIEWS,

HE HAD ONE OF THE BIGGEST INTERNET SONGS OF ALL TIME.

BUT HIS SUCCESS IS ABOUT MORE THAN HIS BEAUTIFUL BARITONE.

IF A MANLY VOICE IS ALL IT TAKES TO BE POPULAR,

THEN WHY DO WE ALL DESPISE MILEY CYRUS?

AWFUL INTERNET MUSIC VIDEOS HAVE BECOME

THE NEW ONE-HIT WONDERS.

IF BIZ MARKIE WAS ALIVE TODAY,

HE'D BE GETTING A WEB REDEMPTION IN SEASON FOUR.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD ONE-HIT WONDER?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU NEED 11 OTHER SONGS

THAT ARE COMPLETE GARBAGE.

RIGHT, FIONA APPLE?

YOUR GOAL SHOULD BE TO MAKE IT TO JOCK JAMS.

WHILE INCUBUS IS BUSTING THEIR HUMP TO STAY RELEVANT,

THE BAJA MEN ARE STILL COASTING OFF ONE HORRIBLE SONG

ABOUT DOGS.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ONE AND DONE.

MY FAVORITE ONE-HIT WONDER IS GROOVE IS IN THE HEART.

AND I STILL LOVE DEEE-LITE,

MOSTLY BECAUSE SHE'S A WAITRESS AT CHOP CHOP,

WHERE I GET MY SALADS.

I'D LOVE TO GO TO A MUSIC FESTIVAL

WHERE THE LINEUP WAS FULL OF ONE-HIT WONDERS.

THEY PLAY THEIR SONG AND LEAVE.

AND, YES, I'M ALREADY BOOKING ACTS

FOR NEXT SUMMER, SO DON'T STEAL MY IDEA.

I HOPE RIGHT SAID FRED ISN'T TOO SEXY TO SHOW UP.

C+C MUSIC FACTORY BETTER STILL BE IN BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW CHUMBAWAMBA'S STILL THUMPING THAT TUB.

AND, DAVE MATTHEWS, THE ONE SONG YOU HATE PERFORMING

IS THE ONLY ONE I WANT TO HEAR.

JUST PLAY CRASH AND GET OFF THE [bleep] STAGE,

SO OUR HEADLINER, LOU BEGA, CAN PLAY MAMBO NO. 5.

CHOCOLATE RAIN WAS A TRAILBLAZER.

HOW BIZARRE.

AND WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT

IS FOR HIM TO GET HIS JUST DUE.

SO I DIALED 867-5309

AND INVITED TAY TO BUST A MOVE TO A BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY

IN THIS WEEK'S BEHIND THE CRAPPY INTERNET MUSIC.

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS, WITH A SODA ON THE SIDE.

TAY IS YOUR FIRST, AND ZONDAY.

NOW, THIS IS NOT YOUR REAL NAME.

- IT'S MY ARTIST NAME.

- AND HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH TAY ZONDAY?

- WELL, I DIDN'T THINK ADAM BAHNER WAS CATCHY ENOUGH.

I WAS LITERALLY ON GOOGLE.

I ENTERED "TAY ZONDAY,"

AND IT GOT ZERO RESULTS.

- WELL, THERE'S A REASON NOBODY'S USING IT.

IT'S NOT-- THOSE AREN'T EVEN WORDS.

- BUT IT'S CATCHY. IT GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.

- NO, AGREED. - THAT GOT STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.

- WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

- GREW UP IN THE NORTH CHICAGO SUBURBS.

I SPENT TIME IN SEATTLE, MINNEAPOLIS,

AND NOW LOS ANGELES.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU? - I'M 28.

- WHAT RACE ARE YOU?

- I'M MIXED. I'M HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE.

- OH, MAN, THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND.

- BLEW YOUR MIND?

- DID YOU HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD?

- I WAS PRETTY HAPPY AS A CHILD,

UH, PRETTY ANGRY AS A TEENAGER,

AND PRETTY HAPPY AS AN ADULT AGAIN.

- WHAT WAS YOUR WORLD LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

- I WAS A NERD.

I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THE INTERNET,

AND I PLAYED A LOT OF VIDEO GAMES.

- YOU A SCI-FI NERD, TOO?

- I WAS A VERY BIG FAN

OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION

AND DEEP SPACE NINE.

KIND OF FELL OFF THE WAGON WITH VOYAGER.

NEVER FOLLOWED ENTERPRISE.

BUT, YEAH.

- DO YOU HAVE THE DEEPEST VOICE IN YOUR FAMILY?

- I ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE DEEPEST VOICE IN MY FAMILY.

- DID YOU GO THROUGH PUBERTY TWICE?

- UH, NO.

- WHAT DID YOUR VOICE SOUND LIKE BEFORE PUBERTY?

- PEOPLE ASK THAT

LIKE I JUST KIND OF POPPED OUT OF THE WOMB, LIKE,

[deep voice] "HEY, MOM, HOW YOU DOING?"

[laughs]

- IF I SQUEEZED YOUR BALLS, WOULD YOUR VOICE--

WOULD IT GO A LITTLE HIGHER?

- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND OUT.

- DO YOU HOPE JAMES EARL JONES DIES?

- NO, I LOVE JAMES EARL JONES.

- CAN YOU HIT A HIGH NOTE FOR ME?

- [singing a falsetto tone]

- WHEN DID YOU WRITE THE SONG CHOCOLATE RAIN?

- 2007.

I WROTE THE LYRICS PROBABLY FEBRUARY, MARCH OF 2007.

- OKAY, AND WHAT IS CHOCOLATE RAIN ABOUT?

- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

I ALWAYS SAY THE QUESTION IS MORE IMPORTANT

THAN THE ANSWER.

AND I HOPE THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN RAISES QUESTIONS.

WHAT IS CHOCOLATE RAIN ABOUT?

BECAUSE WE REALLY HAVE TOO MANY ANSWERS...

...AND, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK AT THE NEWS

AND LOOK AT POLITICAL DISCUSSION,

IT'S ALL ABOUT ANSWERS...

...NOT INQUISITIVE.

AND SO I THINK THE BEST THING CHOCOLATE RAIN CAN DO

IS GET PEOPLE TO ASK THAT QUESTION.

- WAS IT ABOUT BOWEL MOVEMENTS?

- UH, NOT THAT I KNOW OF.

- I HAVE A SUGGESTION FOR A SONG.

- OKAY.

- IF CHOCOLATE RAIN WAS ABOUT RACIAL ISSUES,

YOU KNOW, TH--THIS COULD BE

KIND OF LIKE A POINT-COUNTERPOINT.

VANILLA SUN IS A SONG THAT'S ABOUT GOOD THINGS

THAT WHITE PEOPLE BRING TO THE TABLE.

* VANILLA SUN - THAT'S TOO IMPOLITIC.

- * WHITE PEOPLE ARE REALLY NUMBER ONE *

* VANILLA SUN

- THAT IS--THAT IS JUST-- I'M NOT EVEN GONNA GO THERE.

NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE.

- * LIFE WITHOUT WHITEY WOULD BE LESS FUN *

- THIS IS DANIEL BY HIMSELF.

- * VANILLA SUN - DANIEL BY HIMSELF.

- DID YOU GET INTO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

LIKE MOST SUCCESSFUL MUSICIANS?

- I AM DRUG-FREE.

- HOW ABOUT ANY, UH, ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN?

- NOT THAT I KNOW OF.

- WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER TO BE THE LOW POINT OF YOUR LIFE?

- I DON'T HAVE ANY LOW POINTS.

- TAY, IT'S BEEN GREAT GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

- GREAT TO KNOW YOU, TOO.

- BUT I THINK YOUR VOICE IS GOING TO WASTE.

IT'S SO SEXY.

YOU NEED TO BE SINGING SLOW, PANTY-DROPPER-TYPE MUSIC.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY

TO MAKE A MUSIC VIDEO WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT,

TALENTED, SUCCESSFUL, BLACKEST R&B GROUP OF ALL TIME.

IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE,

TWO, ONE.

AND NOW, THE WORLD PREMIERE OF CHOCOLATE RAIN...

REMIX.

[soft piano music]

- BOYZ II MEN...

TAY ZONDAY...

D.D.T....

THE EAST COAST FAMILY.

all: MM-HMM.

[thunder booms]

all: * CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * OH, OH

- * SOME STAY DRY, AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * A BABY BORN WILL DIE BEFORE THEY SIN *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * OH OH

- * THE SCHOOLBOOKS SAY IT CAN'T BE HERE AGAIN *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * THE PRISONS MAKE YOU WONDER WHERE IT WENT *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * OH OH

- * MADE ME CROSS THE STREET THE OTHER DAY *

* CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * MADE YOU TURN YOUR HEAD

* THE OTHER WAY

* HEY GIRL

* I JUST WANNA LAY YOU DOWN BY THE FIRE *

* AND WARM THAT BODY RIGHT UP *

* 'CAUSE I JUST WATCHED THE NEWS *

* AND THE FORECAST CALLS FOR CHOCOLATE RAIN *

* 100% CACAO, BABY

- * 100%

* CACAO

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

* HEY-EY HEY-EY-EY

- [wailing]

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE

* YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN

* YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE

* YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN

- * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE, YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN *

- * IS IT HERSHEY?

- * IS IT NESTLE?

- * CHOCOLATE RAIN

* HA HA HA

- ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?

- OH, NO, I'M GOOD.

- I JUST LIKE TO WATCH.

- I'LL GO. WORD.

[applause]

- BEFORE I HAD A SHOW,

I WOULD JUST LISTEN TO BOYZ II MEN

WHILE I HAD INTERRACIAL SEX.

NOW THEY WATCH ME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, FAT FAULT.

[people cheering]

- GO, ELTON!

- LET'S GO, ELTON!

[laughter and cheers] - YEAH!

[applause]

- [grunting]

[heavy metal music playing]

*

- SUMMER OF EXPOSED ARMS-- I FEEL YA.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A REAL FIGHT BEFORE,

AND I WANTED MY FIRST FIGHT

TO BE WITH THE POUND-FOR-POUND GREATEST BOXER

IN THE WORLD, MANNY PACQUIAO.

I DIDN'T THINK A 140-POUND, ADORABLE LITTLE FILIPINO

COULD DO ANY REAL DAMAGE TO THIS FLAWLESS FACE.

EVERYBODY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY TO ALLOW HIM

TO PUNCH ME ONE TIME, SQUARE IN THE JAW.

YEAH, CRAZY LIKE A FOX.

[hip-hop music]

*

WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?

- YOU COULD DIE.

- HOW DO YOU GET INTO THE RING? THAT'S MY FIRST PROBLEM.

- YOU GOT TO GO THROUGH THE ROPES.

- I'M GOING UNDER 'EM.

ARE RHINESTONES LEGAL?

- [laughing]

WHERE'S THE CONTRACT THAT SAYS IF I DIE,

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO ANYBODY?

- MAKE SURE THAT HE SIGN THE CONTRACT.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

- NO, OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE I WIN?

I'M--NO, NO. I'M KIDDING.

YOU BITE ON THIS? - YEAH, BITE DOWN.

- LIKE THIS? - YEAH, ENGH.

- I'M ACTUALLY--NOW I'M--

NOW I'M SCARED [bleep]LESS.

LET'S GO, MANNY.

[audience ohs]

[bleep]!

- THAT'S GOOD.

[audience ohs]

*

[applause]

[laughter]

- SEE, MAYWEATHER?

THAT'S HOW A MAN BEHAVES.

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,

TOSH.0 IS GOING TO TAPE AN EPISODE

FROM A COLLEGE CAMPUS THIS YEAR.

AND I ASKED YOU TO SEND IN VIDEOS

EXPLAINING WHY WE SHOULD VISIT YOUR SCHOOL.

SO FAR, OUR FAVORITE COMES TO US

FROM BOWLING GREEN STATE.

- HI, THERE, DANIEL.

HERE AT B.G.S.U., WE'RE CELEBRATING 100 YEARS

OF HIGHER EDUCATION,

AND WE WANT YOU TO CELEBRATE WITH US.

[inspiring music]

- I CHOSE TO COME TO B.G. FOR THE DIVERSE STUDENT BODY.

- BOWLING GREEN STATE UNIVERSITY CELEBRATES DIVERSITY.

- DIVERSITY, INDEED.

BUT DON'T BE DISCOURAGED. I HAVEN'T MADE MY DECISION YET.

SO GO TO OUR BLOG, AND UPLOAD YOUR VIDEO

EXPLAINING WHY YOUR SCHOOL DESERVES ME THE MOST.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY NOT TAKE A SHOT

AT BEING OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK?

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM FUNNYSHORTS.COM.

- BLESS YOU.

- WHAT?

AH-CHOO!

[Baroque music]

- OOH! I GOT A PREDICTION.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE SPORTSDOME.

[cheers and applause]

- WELCOME BACK.

I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT

THAT I'M STILL HOSTING A TV SHOW IN A TANK TOP.

THAT IS A 30-MINUTE JOKE THAT IS NOT WORKING.

[laughter]

AND STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME WE TAKE OFF.

WE DO 30 EPISODES A YEAR.

IF WE DID ALL THE SHOWS AT ONCE, I'D GET SICK OF YOU.

NEXT WEEK'S SHOW, EVEN BETTER,

"BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE" GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

- IT SEEMS LESS...

WEEK PLAYER ON...

IT SEEMS EVERY WEEK THAT YOU HAVE A PLAYER--

[whispering] I'M SORRY.

[normal voice] LATER HE GETS THE REBOUND,

PASSES IT TO THE MAN, SHOOTS IT,

AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.

- [whispering] I'M SO SORRY.

IT TOOK US TWO YEARS TO CONVINCE HIM TO COME ON THE SHOW,

AND I'M STILL NOT SURE IT WAS WORTH IT.

HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE-CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND GET READY.

MAY 20TH, TICKETS GO ON SALE

FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE.

"HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU WANT, DANIEL?"

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THIS ONE INCLUDES CANADA AND U.S.

OH, THAT IS AN INTERNATIONAL TOUR.

IS MY PASSPORT VALID?

WE'LL FIND OUT.

HEY, IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT THERE, MAY 29TH I'M IN VEGAS.

I DO HAVE SOME SAD NEWS TO REPORT

FROM THE TOSH.0 FAMILY.

OVER THE BREAK, ONE OF OUR WRITERS

LOST HIS GRANDMA.

[audience aws]

SAVE YOUR PITY.

HE MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT

ON OUR OFFICE-WIDE GRANDMA DEATH POOL.

JUST IN CASE YOUR OFFICE DOESN'T HAVE ONE,

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

EVERYONE WITH A LIVING GRANDMA PAYS IN A DOLLAR A DAY

UNTIL ONE OF THEM DIES.

JIM GOT SUPER LUCKY WHEN HIS GRANDMA CROAKED

AT DAY 214.

SO HE WON THE POT.

AN AUTOPSY WAS NOT PERFORMED.

SO I SUSPECT FOUL PLAY.

IT'S NOT ALL GOOD NEWS FOR JIM, THOUGH.

HE'S ONE OF TWO PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW

WHO COMES FROM ALABAMA, AND THE CRAZY THING IS,

THEY'RE ACTUALLY PROUD OF IT.

I FIND THAT EXTREMELY ANNOYING.

SO I CONSTANTLY MAKE THEM WRITE JOKES

ABOUT HOW STUPID THEIR STATE IS.

THE PROBLEM IS, 'BAMA JUST GOT ITS ASS KICKED

BY A TORNADO.

APPARENTLY, GOD HATES NICK SABAN EVEN MORE THAN I DO.

BUT I REFUSE TO LET A NATURAL DISASTER

DESTROY ALABAMA-- THAT'S MY JOB.

SO I'M ASKING YOU TO HELP GET

THAT OVERWEIGHT, RACIST STATE BACK ON ITS FEET

SO WE CAN CONTINUE TO MAKE FUN OF IT.

TO MAKE A $10 DONATION TO THE TORNADO VICTIMS,

TEXT "REDCROSS" TO 90999.

COME ON, YOU GUYS, LET'S HELP THE SOUTH RISE AGAIN.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.

YOU'RE OUT. YOU'RE OUT.

[cheers and applause]

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

- I'M ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE.

- MM. MM. - BUT, YOU KNOW...

I GOT A CHOCOLATY FEELING WHEN I HEARD IT.

- I WAS QUITE, YOU KNOW, INTRIGUED BY HIS WHOLE AURA.

IT WAS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN, LIKE, HORNY AND SCARED.

- ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS, DUDE? - [snickers]

- OH, WHITE CHOCOLATE'S MOST DEFINITELY RACIST,

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE, LIKE,

BLACK CHOCOLATE, WHITE CHOCOLATE,

BLACK GROUPS, WHITE GROUPS?

YOU KNOW HOW THEY COME AND THEY KIND OF STEAL EVERYTHING?

- WHITE FOLKS CAN'T LET US HAVE NOTHING.

- CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THE NEXT SINGLE, BRO.