Original subtitles

>> I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT.

SUPER BIKES ARE USUALLY SO SAFE.

WELCOME TO THE TOSH.0.

STOP ASKING ME TO JOIN YOUR

LINKED IN NETWORK.

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I BREAK

BOARDS WITH THIS GUY.

AND I GET ROASTED.

LET'S SEE IF HIS PIT CREW CAN

PUT HIM BACK TOGETHER.

>> YES, SIR.

YOU HAVE A QUESTION.

>> HAND DOWN, MAN DOWN.

TURNS OUT SLOW AND STEADY WILL

GET YOU KILLED.

>> WHAT COLOR OF FLAG DO YOU

WAVE FOR A CORPSE ON THE TRACK.

THERE'S SOME DEBATE IN THE

OFFICE OVER WHAT THIS NEXT VIDEO

IS.

MY MONEY IS A LABIA.

>> I KNOW A PINK CANOE WHEN I

SEE ONE.

THEY ARE REALLY FINGER BLASTING

THAT THING.

>> THAT WHISKER BISCUIT HAS

TEETH.

MY LIPSTICK ALMOST CAME OUT.

THAT'S HOW DISGUSTING YOUR LADY

PARTS ARE.

THEY CAN BE CONFUSED WITH A

DOG'S MOUTH.

>> BUT STILL A DOG'S MOUTH IS

WAY CLEANER THAN A [BLEEP].

>> I'M NOT A CAT PERSON.

>> AND HERE'S A REAL WOMAN.

MAYBE.

THIS IS FROM THE BOOK OF

GENESIS.

OH NO.

NOW THAT TRANSSEXUAL IS LEAKING

SILICONE.

MAYBE SHE'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE

WITH A TROUSER SNAKE.

GIVE THAT SNAKE A DOSE OF

ANTISYPHILIS SERUM.

>> AT LEAST IT DIDN'T GO FOR HER

BEAUTIFUL CLOWN FACE.

ALL RIGHT.

SHOW ME SOME SWINGERS.

>> GREAT.

NOW EVERYBODY IS GOING TO THINK

MALE JIM NASTS ARE GAY.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN

I SAID POUND ME IN THE BUTT.

>> AND IF YOU LISTEN IT DOES

SOUND LIKE THEY ENJOY

THEMSELVES.

WANT TO SEE HOW MAD COW DISEASE

STARTED.

THIS IS YOU HAD YOU AREALLY

DISGUSTING.

OH DANIEL AND YOUR WORDPLAY.

WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING ON

THE OLD MCDONALD'S FARM.

THAT COW IS NEVER GOING TO GET

OSTEOPOROSIS.

>> COME AND GIVE THE HEIFER SOME

OREOS.

HONESTLY WHAT GUY HASN'T TRIED

TO DO THAT.

THAT WAS ONE% MAN MILK.

DOES THE BODY GOOD.

WHAT'S NEXT.

[SCREAMING]

>> I BET THAT'S NOT THE FIRST

TIME SHE WENT DOWN THAT DAY.

>> LET'S GET WASTED FOR THIS

WEEK'S SPRING BREAKDOWN.

>> SPRING BREAK RULES MOSTLY

BECAUSE GIRLS MAKE POOR

DECISIONS.

IT'S THE TIME TO TEST ALCOHOL

BOUNDARIES, AND THE WORD NO.

SO THAT IS NO BEACH BODY.

THAT IS ADOUGH'S LAKE BODY.

FOCUS ON HER TATAS AND NOTHING

ELSE.

>> THERE YOU GO.

SMART MOVE.

YOU DON'T WANT THE TWINS POPPING

OUT.

>> AT LEAST SHE TUCKED IN ALL

HER HAIR IN BEFORE SHE WENT OUT.

>> GET OFF THE POT YOU SKANK.

>> SHE SHOULD BE FINE IF SHE

GOES IN FEET FIRST.

PAUSE.

SHE TIPPED A BIT SIDEWAYS BEFORE

ENTERING.

BACK IT UP.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT HER

BOOBS ARE BEING PULLED DOWN

PASTOR THAN HER BUTT.

>> GRAVITY IS A BREAST MAN.

>> TO ME THAT READS DEAD.

>> THAT IS RAY MORE EFFECTIVE

THAN A ROOFIE.

>> TO GIVE YOU ARE A TRIPLE KISS

OF CPR.

SHE NEEDS TO REHYDRATE.

SOMEONE GET HER SOME HUNCH

PUNCH.

I'M JUST GLAD THAT GIRLS GONE

WILD DID A FINALLY ADDITION.

AND FOR THAT WE DID FINALLY

ADDITION.

>> WHERE DO WE KEEP THE GIANT

TWEEZERS.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A GIANT

SPLINTER.

>> I WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO TO

HOPEFULLY INSPIRE TO DO

SOMETHING YOU MAY FEEL IS TOO

DIFFICULT.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO I'M GOING TO

BREAK THIS THING OVER MY HEAD.

>> OKAY.

DIDN'T WORK.

I DID IT.

>> THAT'S HOW BRANDON LEE DIED.

JOSHUA'S JUST TRYING TO BE A

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER BUT

REPEAT

REPEATEDLY SMASHING HIS HEAD

WITH A BOARD HE SHOWED IT WAS A

TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

>> TELLING PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO GO

TO KARATE PRACTICE.

>> JUJITSU, AND KARATE.

>> I GUESS I SHOULD EXPECT FROM

A REGION FULL OF PEOPLE WHO LOOK

SIMILAR.

THAT'S I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

NINJAS WEAR MASKS.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT SOMEONE

IS GOING TO PICK YOU OUT OF A

LINEUP.

>> STOP TRYING TO SHOW OFF YOUR

ACTING CHOPS JACKIE CHAN.

>> IF STEVEN SIEGAL CAN BE A WAX

OFF'S TOSH.0 WEB REDEMPTION.

HELLO JOSH.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> ARE YOU TRYING TO CATCH A

FLOUR WITH A CHOPSTICKS.

>> NO I'M EATING RICE YOU RACE

RACIST.

>> JOSHUA.

>> YOU CAN CALL ME JOSH.

>> WITH YOUR BEARD YOU WENT FULL

AMISH.

>> WANT TO TOUCH IT.

>> I DO.

>> THAT'S A NICE BEARD.

>> WHAT WAS THAT VIDEO ABOUT

>> I WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO TO

INSPIRE PEOPLE TO DO SOMETHING

TO DO SOMETHING THEY HAVEN'T

DONE.

>> YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY.

TURNS OUT SOME THINGS THAT ARE

DIFFICULT ARE REALLY, REALLY

DIFFICULT.

>> DID THAT HURT.

>> FIRST VIDEO NO.

THE FOLLOW UP VIDEO THAT KIND OF

HURT.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN

THOSE VIDEOS.

>> AROUND A MILLION.

>> DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS AN

INSPIRATIONAL SPEAKER.

>> NO.

>> WHAT KIND OF PLYWOOD.

>> THREE-QUARTER INCH.

I DIDN'T THINK THIS IS PLYWOOD

IT'S NOT GOING TO BREAK EASY.

I GRABBED A COUPLE OF THEM, AND

WENT HOME.

>> I THINK AT HOME DEPOT YOU GET

THREE FREE TIMES.

I'M SURE AT HOME DEPOT YOU GET

UNLIMITED CUTS.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY KARATE

BACKGROUND.

>> NO.

>> KARATE IS NOT HERE.

>> KARATE HERE.

NOT HERE.

KARATE HERE.

>> YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO

A GREAT PUPIL.

>> THESE I NEED YOU TO RESTRING

MY TENNIS RACKET.

I LIKE HEAVY TENSION.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL.

I NEED TO EXPRESS MY DOG'S ANAL

GLANDS AND IF YOU HAVE TIME

RE-GROUT MY BATHROOM.

DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

>> YOU HAVE NO QUESTIONS.

FIRST RULE OF KARATE, DON'T ASK

QUESTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S THE FIRST

RULE BUT IT'S IN THERE.

IT'S SOMEWHERE IN THE RULES

DON'T ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

>> I'M DONE.

>> THOSE CHORES HELPED ME TO

LEARN KARATE.

>> NO.

BUT MY WEEKEND IS WIDE OPEN.

LET'S GO BREAK SOME BOARDS NOW.

>> BUT I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING.

>> TOO BAD.

THE TOURNAMENT STARTS IN 10

MINUTES.

>> WELCOME TO THE ALL VALLEY

BOARD BREAKING TOURNAMENT.

WORLD WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE

READY TO GIVE ANOTHER CHOP.

>> YES.

>> GOOD BECAUSE I GOT YOU BY TO

THE FINAL.

>> JOSH FROM THE DOJO, AND HIS

OPPONENT THE GUY WHO BROKE THE

KARATE KID'S KNEE BOBBY BROWN.

>> BOO.

>> IT TOOK HIM 25 YEARS.

>> C COBRA KAI DOJO WILL GO FIRST.

>> I PRECOOKED THIS -- IT WILL

BE EASIER TO BREAK.

>> SWITCH THE BOARD.

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

ESSENTI

SENSEI I CAN BEAT THIS GUY.

>> I DON'T WANT YOU TO BEAT HIM.

I WANT HIM OUT OF COMMISSION.

>> JUST SWITCH THE BOARD.

>> THE COBRA KAI USED A PRECUT

BOARD.

>> IF JOSH CAN BREAK HIS BOARD

HE WILL BE CHAMPION.

>> THIS IS YOURS TO LOSE.

>> YOU IDIOT.

>> HOLD ON.

NOW I GOT YOU.

>> NO.

IT'S MY HEAD THAT HURTS.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO

DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

YOU GET TWO TRIES.

GOOD LUCK.

>> WHOO!

>> ALREADY GOT A CHAMPION

STUDENT.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT JOSH.

>> THANKS BOBBY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> LIVE OR DIE CREED.

>> LIVE.

>> IT'S ONLY A BOARD BREAKING

TOURNAMENT.

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO HONK MY

NOSE JUST DO IT.

>> DO YOU THINK NEXT SEASON WILL

HAVE A BIG ENOUGH BUDGET TO GO

TO OKINAWA SO I CAN LEARN THE

>> HE'S RECORDING.

HE TELLS YOU TO DANCE.

>> NO.

>> ME FIGHT.

>> OH.

>> OH.

HE'S GOT IT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE, TELL ME.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'VE GOT IT.

>> YOUR TURN.

KILL HIM.

>> OOO.

ALWAYS BET ON BLACK.

ISN'T IT REFRESHING WHEN

STEREOTYPES ARE CONFIRMED.

THAT VIDEO REMINDS OF TRADITION

AT TOSH.0 WHEN SOMEONE PITCHES A

JOKE I DON'T LIKE THEY HAVE TO

GET ON THE TABLE AND DANCE THEIR

HEART OUT FOR ONE-MINUTE.

HE APPEARS TO HAVE SCOLIOSIS OR

RICKETS.

POSSIBLY BOTH.

>> WHO WROTE MY GOD RIGHT IN THE

HEAD.

>> OH MAN.

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

>> GET ON THE TABLE.

3, 2, 1.

>> I'M SURE YOU ALL AGREE THAT

WAS PAINFUL.

I FELT SO BAD FOR HIM AND HIS

FAMILY THAT I HIRED A NEW WRITER

NAMED CHRIS JUST TO HELP HIM TO

GET HIS GROOVE BACK.

>> NO.

I'M SORRY YOU KNOW THE RULES.

>> YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

*

*

*

>> THANKS FOR HELPING OUT CHRIS

BROWN.

I HAVE AN ALL NEW RESPECT FOR

HIS DANCING.

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PICTURE OF

HIM ONLINE.

MAGNIFICENT.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TWIT AND BY.

I HELPED YOU FANS TO WRITE TO

ERIN ANDREWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THE METROSEXUAL

MEDIANS.

FIRST OFF I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

YOUR BEAUTY SHOULD HAVE WON

DANCING WITH THE STARS.

YOU WERE A GREAT REPORTER, AND I

APPRECIATE ALL THE WORK YOU DO

FOR ESPN.

>> AND I'LL BUY ALL THE PINK

MOUNTAIN DEW TO DROWN KENNY

MANE.

>> YOUR ALABASTER SKIN IS ONLY

HEIGHTENED BY YOUR HAIR.

I WANT TO EXPRESS MY SEXUAL

DESIRES FOR YOU.

>> ME LIKE.

LET'S GET MARRIED.

I'LL TAKE YOUR LAST NAME.

I FEEL I'D BE THE WOMAN IN THE

RELATIONSHIP ANYWAYS.

>> I CLAIM YOU.

LET ME GAIS INTO THE PEEPHOLE IN

YOUR SOUL.

AND THEN WE'LL MEET ON THE HIGH

MOUNTAIN FOR SEXUAL COMBAT.

NOW THAT IT'S JUST A FLARUP BUT

IT'S GONE NOW.

>> LOVE YOU BABE.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY GAY FRIENDS.

>> PPS.

PURPLE PENIS PUMPERNICKEL.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT IS THE

LAST TIME WE'LL DO TWIT AND BY.

THAT REALLY GOT OUT OF HAND

ONLINE.

I SERIOUSLY APOLOGIZE TO ERIN.

>> CALL ME.

>> OH MISTER.

THANK YOU.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS.

YOU WANT A SIDE OF TAMPONS WITH

THAT.

>> YOU GOT A VAGINA.

>> CAN WE GET A HARD BOOK

EDITION OF THIS WHILE HE EATS

HIS SIDE OF CELERY.

>> I LIKE CELERY.

>> LIKE COME HERE.

COME HERE.

>> MMMM.

YOU GUYS GOT ME GOOD.

>> IT SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE

I TOO LOVE CELERY, AND MAKING

OUT WITH MY BROS.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE OF THE

>> WELCOME BACK SINNERS.

I'M GOING ON A LITTLE VACATION

FROM MY PROBLEMS.

BABY STEPS.

>> I'M A SAILOR.

I DO HAVE AN IMPORTANT

ANNOUNCEMENT.

WE'RE GOING TO BE TAPING A LIVE

SEGMENT ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS.

WHICH ONE.

HOT CHEERLEADERS.

IF YOUR CASE IS STRONG ENOUGH

WE'LL FILM TOSH LIVE AT YOUR

CAMPUS.

NOW BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON

TWITTER, AND HAPPY THOUGHTS IS

AVAILABLE ONLINE, AND IN STORES.

>> COMEDY CENTRAL IS RUNNING OUT

OF PEOPLE TO ROAST.

>> THEY ROASTED ME ONCE.

>> BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T AIR IT

BECAUSE NO ONE COULD SAY A BAD

THING ABOUT ME.

>> MICHAEL JORDAN IS THE DANIEL

TOSH OF BASKETBALL.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> TRUE.

>> I WOULD PULL THE PLUG ON MY

DYING MOTHER IF DANIEL NEEDED TO

CHARGE HIS CELL PHONE.

>> A LOT OF THE PEOPLE THINK

DANIEL IS GAY.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S INSANELY

GOOD-LOOKING.

>> IT'S PRETTY BIG.

>> HE KNOWS.

>> DANIEL TOSH IS A KING AMONG

MEN, AND WE ALL LOVE HIM.

>> GO EASY.

>> THERE'S ABSOLUTELY WRONG WITH

THIS GUY.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS

GUY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I HATE TO SEE YOU GO BUT I

WATCH TO SEE YOU LEAVE.

>> NO MORE CALLERS.

I'M GOING TO TRY TO HELP YOU OUT

WITH THAT.

>> NOW YOU GOT IT.

SEE THAT RIGHT THERE?