Original subtitles

THAT ALLIGATOR IS 9 FEET LONG.

130 POUNDS.

OH NO.

LOOK AT THAT.

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD

HAPPEN IN A MILLION YEARS.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

TONIGHT IS OUR 50TH EPISODE AND

IF STANDARDS AND PRACTICES HAD

THEIR WAY, OUR LAST.

FEEL FREE TO SEND US GIFTS IN

APPRECIATION OF ALL MY HARD

WORK AND PLEASE NO EDIBLE

ARRANGEMENTS.

NO ONE EVER WANTS THOSE.

"HUH, HERE'S A COLD."

I ASSUME THEY'RE TOUCHING IT

WITH THEIR HANDS.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW

I TALK POLITICS WITH THE WORLD'S

CRAZIEST CANDIDATE

I SHOW YOU KIDDY PORN THE WHOLE

FAMILY WILL LOVE

AND I PUT AN END TO SPAM MAIL.

ALRIGHT, LET'S HEAD BACK TO THIS

VIDEO.

GOOD LORD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO TELL IF

THIS IS AN ALLIGATOR OR A

CROCODILE BECAUSE THEY BOTH HATE

MEXICANS.

OH NO, LOOK AT THAT.

OH, HE FORGOT THE SAFE WORD.

"GUY'S COULD YOU GET THIS OFF

ME?"

WHY DON'T YOU KICK HIM WITH ONE

OF THOSE BOOTS MADE OUT OF HIS

MOM?

HOW COME THAT AUDIENCE IS NOT

GOING WILD?

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

GIVE IT UP.

SEE YOU LATER, GUY WITH YOUR

HEAD IN AN ALLIGATOR.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THIS

SHOW WOULD BE IF ASIANS DIDN'T

MAKE VIDEOS?

ALRIGHT, THIS IS RECESS AT THE

NIKE FACTORY.

THE CHINESE HAVE TAKEN THE FOOT

BINDING A LITTLE TOO FAR.

WE GET IT.

YOU GUYS MAKE GREAT WALLS.

TIE!

THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE A

SINGLE CHINK IN THAT CHAIN IT

WON'T WORK.

HEY, THAT IS AN EXPRESSION.

YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.

IF YOU THINK THAT WAS RACIST,

THAT IS BECAUSE YOU'RE A RACIST.

THAT WAS A WORLD RECORD

31-LEGGED RACE, BUT DON'T

CELEBRATE TOO SOON, CHINA, THE

U.S. OF A JUST KNOCKED OUT A

32-PERSON WHEELBARROW RACE.

UP.

EVERYBODY UP.

GET IT UP.

GET UP.

GO!

GO!

STAY UP.

KEEP WALKING.

ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.

I LIKE IT.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S A WORLD

RECORD.

THAT WAS 31 GUYS AND ONE GIRL,

MAKING IT THE SECOND LONGEST

TRAIN EVER RUN ON OUR BLOGGER,

CARLY.

THE BIGGEST COMPLAINT FROM

PEOPLE DOING THAT?

THE SMELL OF BALLS.

DO YOU DUDES WANT TO SEE THE

50-YEAR STORM BODIE'S BEEN

YAPPING ABOUT?

AH.

THAT IS AN AWFUL SLIDE.

HOW DID HER TANKINI NOT COME

OFF?!

BECAUSE TANKINIS WERE DESIGNED

TO STAY ON.

THEY WERE DESIGNED FOR GIRLS WHO

CAN'T GET RID OF THEIR FRESHMAN

15

OH, THAT'S THE SLAM THAT'S TOO

FAR?

NICE LINE.

MAN, BAD THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO

THEM EVER SINCE THEY FOUND THAT

TIKI DOLL.

DOES "ALL-INCLUSIVE" INCLUDE

FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS?

BECAUSE THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL PLACES IN THE WORLD TO

GET SMASHED TO DEATH.

HERE'S A GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO

HANDLE HIMSELF IN THE WATER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH MY GOSH.

WHERE COULD HE POSSIBLY BE

GOING?

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT VOIDS THE

WARRANTY.

HIS SCOOTER WORKS UNDERWATER,

BUT IF IT DRIZZLES I LOSE MY

DIRECTV SIGNAL?

SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT

STRUGGLES.

THE LADY IN THE NEXT VIDEO IS

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE CRAP

DON'T STINK.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

GET IN THERE.

NO ONE'S WATCHING.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND

OUT

THERE'S NOTHING THAT COULD BE IN

HER PANTS THAT WOULD MAKE THAT

OKAY.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY CRAPPY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

ALRIGHT.

THE BAR HAS JUST BEEN RAISED FOR

GETTING OUT OF JURY DUTY "YOUR

HONOR.

I EAT MY OWN CRAP."

IT'S EITHER THIS OR ARBY'S.

HEY STACEY, SAW YOU EATING YOUR

OWN POOP ON TOSH.0 LAST NIGHT.

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH BUM

GUM FOR EVERYBODY.

DINGLEBERRIES ARE IN SEASON

RIGHT NOW.

I THINK IT'S MID MARCH TO APRIL,

IS DINGLEBERRIES

IT'S A REALLY SHORT WINDOW.

WHAT'S NEXT?

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERR...

LET'S PAUSE FOR STATION

IDENTIFICATION IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CLAPPING]

THIS IS IN GREECE, AND YOU'RE

LISTENING TO DJ GYROS ON THE

WACKIEST MORNING ZOO IN ALL OF

SPARTA.

LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE FIRE HAS

STARTED BEHIND HIM, THEY DON'T

CALL IT HOT 99 JAMZ FOR NOTHING.

GOOD CALL.

JUST SPREAD THAT AROUND A LITTLE

BIT.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S

SAYING BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S

ALL GREEK TO ME.

CALLER 10, IF YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR

ANYTHING BESIDES LADY

ANTEBELLUM, YOU'LL WIN A FREE

PAIR OF FLAME-RETARDANT BEATS BY

DRE HEADPHONES

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S STILL ON

THE AIR.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST TALKING

NON-STOP ABOUT HOW PROUD THE

GREEKS ARE OF JOHN STAMOS.

THAT'S ALL THEY TALK ABOUT.

IT TAKES MORE THAN HALF A BOTTLE

OF AQUAFINA TO PUT OUT A FIRE,

YOU STUPID INTERN.

I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T JUST

DRIZZLE OLIVE OIL ALL OVER IT.

AGAIN, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO OVER

THERE.

WHY COULDN'T THIS HAPPEN TO

EVERYONE WHO HAS A PODCAST?

I ASSUME THAT'S THE ENTIRE

ATHENS FIRE DEPARTMENT.

"OH, I SHOULD HAVE WENT WITH A

FIRE EXTINGUISHER THE FIRST

TIME?

I DIDN'T WANT TO WASTE IT."

THANK ZEUS THE ONLY THING THAT

GOT DESTROYED WAS A BUNCH OF

BRUNO MARS ALBUMS AND SOME OLD

FETA.

I'M JUST GLAD HE RISKED GETTING

BURNED ALIVE TO TELL US THAT IT

WAS ZACH GALIFIANAKIS' BIRTHDAY,

AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PHIL

DAVISON'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT

FIRST, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT

ME TO PUNCH YOUR MOUTH?

PUNCH MY MOUTH.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> PUNCH MY MOUTH.

PUNCH MY MOUTH. MOUTH.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> PUNCH MY MOUTH.

>> DO IT.

>> OH MY GOD.

MY NAME IS BILL DAVISON AND I'M

THINKING SEEKING OUR PARTY'S

NOMINATI

NOMINATION.

I HAVE BEEN A REPUBLICAN.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

TELL YOUR NEIGHBORS.

TELL ANDY GONZALEZ.

I WILL HIT THE GROUND RUNNING.

NOW THAT IS HOW YOU ROCK THE

VOTE, BY SHOTGUNNING A GALLON OF

5 HOUR ENERGY.

THAT'S PHIL DAVISON, AND HE

FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE

OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: TRY NOT TO

LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC.

RUNNING FOR STARK COUNTY

TREASURER IN THE SWING STATE OF

OHIO WOULD PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF

LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS.

I'M NO POLITICAL EXPERT, BUT I

HAVE SEEN

DAVE, WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT,

FIRST DAUGHTER, FIRST KID, AGENT

CODY BANKS, PART OF THE SEQUEL,

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN,

GUARDING TESS, AND THE MUMMY

RETURNS, SO I THINK I KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

CAMPAIGNS ARE ALL ABOUT SPENDING

TONS OF MONEY, PRETENDING THAT

PEOPLE FROM IOWA MATTER, AND

PRAYING NO ONE FINDS OUT YOU

LOVE HIRING UNDERAGE HOOKERS TO

POUND YOU WITH A STRAP-ON.

HAS ANYONE EVER ACTUALLY WON A

DEBATE?

I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE GO, "MY

OPPONENT IS MAKING A TON OF

SENSE, I'M OUT."

THE IDEA THAT ANY OF THESE

CANDIDATES REPRESENT MY

INTERESTS IS ABSURD.

IF YOU WANT MY VOTE, SCALE IT

BACK A SMIDGE WITH THE LOFTY

PROMISES AND JUST LEGALIZE DRUGS

AND GAMBLING.

NATIVE AMERICANS GET IT; WHY

CAN'T AMERICAN AMERICANS?

YET, FOR ALL OF THE FLAWS WITH

THE POLITICAL PROCESS, THERE'S

NEVER BEEN A WOMAN IN THE WHITE

HOUSE.

SO, THE SYSTEM ISN'T COMPLETELY

BROKEN YET.

PHIL DAVISON WAS JUST TRYING TO

GET THE VOTER'S ATTENTION, AND

ENDED UP SCARING THE BEJESUS

OUT OF THEM.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM OUT TO

TOSH.0 CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS FOR

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

EXCUSE ME.

THE ONLY WAY TO APPEAL TO THE

TEA PARTY IS TO GET TEA BAGGED.

>> THAT'S DISGUSTING.

>> I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE

SMELL OF THIS BATHROOM.

FROM NBC NEWS IN WASHINGTON

"MEET THE PRESS" WITH DAVID

GREGORY.

THIS IS DANIEL TOSH FILLING IN

FOR DANIEL GREGORY.

TODAY WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT

GUEST PHIL DAVISON.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU AS WELL.

>> THE VOTE WASN'T RELEASED SO I

DIDN'T WIN.

>> DO YOU THINK IF YOU HAD

APOLOGIZED FOR YOUR TONE YOU

MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN MORE VOTES.

>> YES.

>> WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU

HAD READ THAT SPEECH.

>> NO I HAD PRACTICED SEVERAL

TIMES TO MYSELF.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD READ

IT OUT IN PUBLIC FOR

DOCUMENTATION.

BECAUSE MY THEORY IS THAT SPEECH

WAS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS.

>> NO, IT WAS NOT WRITTEN IN ALL

CAPS.

MY NAME IS PHIL DAVISON.

YOU GOT TO SCREAM IT.

>> THAT'S WHAT I DID.

TELL ME ABOUT GIVING THAT

SPEECH.

IT SEEMS VERY PASSIONATE.

I GOT EXCITED ABOUT IT.

AND I SAID TO HELL WITH IT.

I GOT UP THERE AND THIS IS HOW I

SPEAK.

>> WHILE YOU WERE UP THERE DID

YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING WELL.

>> AS THE SPEECH WAS GOING ON

AND PEOPLE STARTED LEAVING THE

ROOM.

>> MOST PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY.

BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS PENT-UP

ENERGY AND FRUSTRATION.

>> I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WHEN

WATCHING THE SPEECH THIS GUY IS

GAY.

>> I LET THEM HAVE IT

>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR

SPEECH FOR A SECOND.

>> I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE IN

SOCIOLOGY, A BACHELORS DEGREE IN

PSYCHOLOGY.

A MASTER DEGREE IN PUBLIC

ADMINISTRATION.

AND MASTERS DEGREE IN

COMMUNICATION.

>> ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU TALKED

ABOUT YOUR MASTERS IN IN

COMMUNICATION AND YOU SCREWED IT

UP.

>> IN THE MIDDLE OF OPPORTUNITY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY.

>> WHAT OTHER FAVORITE QUOTES.

>> A FLUTE WITHOUT HOLES IS NOT

A FLUTE BUT A BAGEL -- A

DOUGHNUT.

I BLEW IT AGAIN.

>> DOUGHNUT WITHOUT A HOLE IS

WHAT?

>> DANISH.

HOW ARE YOU WITH KIDS.

>> GOOD.

I'VE DONE A THE BEST I CAN.

>> HAVE YOU READ THE COMMENTS

WRITTEN ABOUT YOU.

>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY DRUGS.

>> YES.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRUGS

>>> MARIJUANA, L S D, ECSTASY.

MUSHROOMS AND THEN I'M GOING TO

WHIPS IN AS A DRUGS.

>> YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST YOU

GOT TO BEAT THE BEST.

>> WISER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN

SAID ON THIS SHOW.

>> WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON

ABORTION.

>> I'M PRO-CHOICE.

>> IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN

ABORTION HAVE ONE.

>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THAT

TOSH.0 WERE TO SPONSOR A

CAMPAIGN FOR YOU TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENCY.

>> NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BE ON

THE TICKET.

>> THAT'S OKAY.

>> THAT WILL COME OUT.

>> NO I WON'T.

I'VE DONE FAR WORSE THAN.

>> WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE I'VE

DONE 10 TIMES WORSE.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN COME

HERE.

DANIEL TOSH AND I ARE GOING TO

DANIEL TOSH IS GOING MY

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER

AND I'M GOING TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

IN 2012

>> I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN YOU AS

YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER IF YOU

WOULD WELCOME ME.

>> YES.

I'M DANIEL TOSH GOODNIGHT.

>> I AM AWESOME.

>> PHIL, ARE YOU NERVOUS.

>> GOOD YOU SHOULDN'T BE

NERVOUS.

>> BUTTON YOUR JACKET.

DON'T BRAG ABOUT YOUR DEGREES.

LOSE THE CRAZY EYE.

THERE'S 90,000 PEOPLE.

BECAUSE I SENT OUT A SINGLE

TWEET.

GIVE THEM THE MESSAGE.

>> LET'S GO.

LET'S GO!

>> OH GOD.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> APPRECIATE THAT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU ALL.

VERY MUCH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME

IS PHIL DAVISON.

AND I'M SEEKING THE TOSH PARTY'S

NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES.

ALBERT EINSTEIN IS ONE OF MY

MOST FAVORITE QUOTES.

IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY LIES

OPPORTUNITY.

IF NOMINATED TONIGHT I WILL HIT

THE GROUND RUNNING, AND COME OUT

SWINGING AND END UP WINNING.

>> BARACK OBAMA DOES NOT CARE

ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE.

[GUNSHOT]

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER WHERE I

WAS WHEN I HEARD PHIL DAVISON

WAS ASSASSINATED

BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

IT WAS REALLY EASY TO REMEMBER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

HERE'S OUR PRANK OF THE WEEK.

>> 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, RECH, 10,

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.1, 10, 9,

8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

>> PARDON ME IF I DON'T LAUGH

BECAUSE IT'S COLD.

THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY

VIDEOS THE FASCISTS AT COMEDY

CENTRAL WON'T LET ME SHOW YOU.

MAYBE BECAUSE MOST OF THEM

FEATURE A MAN, A WOMAN, MEMBERS

OF THE CLERGY, SOMETIMES A

HORSE, EXPLORING THEIR BODIES.

BUT I FEEL THESE VIDEOS DESERVE

TO BE SEEN, AND I FIGURED OUT

THE PERFECT WAY TO MAKE THEM TV

FRIENDLY, IN A NEW SEGMENT

CALLED CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.

AH.

AH.

AH.

AH.

AH.

AH.

OH.

HEY.

HIT THE BEAR.

HIT THE BEAR.

HIT THE BEAR.

AH

THE GREAT THING ABOUT DOING THIS

SHOW IN HOLLYWOOD IS THERE IS NO

SHORTAGE OF AWFUL PARENTS WHO

WILL LET THEIR KIDS DO ANYTHING

FOR A SAG CARD.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM RAW VEGA.TV.

>> HEY EDGAR.

CHECK IT OUT.

HEY.

WHAT'S THAT.

>> I JUST GOT A NEW BLACK LIGHT.

NOW I'M GOING TO KNOW WHAT

YOU'VE BEEN [BLEEP] ON.

>> HMM.

THE ROOM IS COMPLETELY DEVOID.

IT'S WEIRD I SWEAR TO GOD I

SMELL IT ALL THE TIME.

THAT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A SINGLE

LOAD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TV

FUNHOUSE.

WELCOME BACK DILFS -- DADS I'D

LIKE TO FINGER.

ON NEXT WEEK'S SHOW, I GO

HEAD-TO-HEAD WITH THIS GUY.

DON'T GIVE UP.

ALRIGHT, I WILL GO ON RECORD AS

SAYING NEXT WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION, EMMY WORTHY.

JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE.

HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON

TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO PLUG THE

AIRING OF MY SPECIAL

HAPPY THOUGHTS BECAUSE THE UNCUT

EXTENDED DVD VERSION IS NOW

AVAILABLE IN STORES AND ONLINE.

EVERYONE IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE

WILL BE GETTING AN ADVANCED

COPY.

BOTTLE THAT.

WHICH MEANS IT WILL BE AVAILABLE

FOR FREE ONLINE LATER TONIGHT.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER

AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU EVER

GOTTEN ONE OF THOSE SCAM EMAILS

FROM A NIGERIAN PRINCE ASKING

YOU FOR YOUR BANK ACCOUNT

NUMBER?

I'M SICK OF THOSE THINGS

CLOGGING UP MY INBOX SO I

DECIDED TO GIVE THEM A TASTE OF

THEIR OWN MEDICINE.

>> HEY NIGERIA.

HERE'S MY JUNK MAIL.

NOW WE'RE EVEN.

YOU HAVE $10,000.

>> NO.

IF I APPEAR TO LOOK 2 YEARS

YOUNGER IN THAT BIT, GOOD EYE.

WE'VE BEEN HOLDING ON TO THAT

COMEDY NUGGET FOR QUITE SOME

TIME.

ALRIGHT, IT'S CLOSING TIME, YOU

DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU

CAN'T STAY HERE.

I KNOW WHO I

ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH.

GOODNIGHT.

DID YOU EVER LOSE YOUR COOL.

IN THAT SPEECH.

MANY TIMES.

IT DATES BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD.

THAT'S WHO I AM.

YOU KNOW PEOPLE WHAT DO YOU WANT

TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE PHIL.

I USE THE TWISTED SISTER LINE.

I WANT TO ROCK.

>> YOU FORGOT.

I NEVER KNEW IT.