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>> TOSH.0 IS INTENDED FOR A
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MATURE AUDIENCE.
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ENJOY!
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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>> AH.
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THAT GUY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I HAVE A
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COLD.
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SO THIS WEEK, I WILL BE RELYING
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HEAVILY ON THE CLIPS TO PROVIDE
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THE COMEDY, AS OPPOSED TO MY
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NORMAL WITTY WORD PLAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, I DRY THE
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CRYING WRESTLING FAN'S TEARS.
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I SIT DOWN WITH OPRAH WINFREY
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FOR THE HARDEST HITTING
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INTERVIEW OF MY CAREER.
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AND I SHOW YOU ANOTHER EPISODE
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OF TODD GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW.
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DON'T CHANGE THE CHANNEL,
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PLEASE.
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ALRIGHT, LET'S JUMP BACK TO THAT
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VIDEO.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHY WON'T YOU JUST SHOW ME THE
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CARFAX?
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[LAUGHTER]
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IF YOU WANT THAT TO WORK, YOU
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GOTTA WEAR NIKES.
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AND BE 6'6" AND USE CGI.
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[LAUGHTER]
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BRANDY IS NOT GETTING BETTER AT
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DRIVING.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT, IT'S TIME TO GET IN
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SHAPE.
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IS HE DOING DECLINE NUT THRUSTS?
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TWO SETS OF TEN AND YOU ARE
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RUINED FOR A WEEK.
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[LAUGHTER]
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FOR 29.99 I'LL USE THE EQUIPMENT
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ANY DAMN WAY I WANT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I SEE THAT GUY IN THE GYM ALL
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THE TIME.
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>> PERFECT FORM, RANDY!
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ALL RIGHT.
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WORK THROUGH THE BURN.
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NOT TO THE BURN.
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>> THAT GUY HAS NO 2:30 FEELING
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EVER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY
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IT AGAIN, THERE IS NOTHING GOOD
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ABOUT BEING A WOMAN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AWW, THAT THING'S GONNA PERFORM
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IT'S OWN C-SECTION.
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[LAUGHTER]
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DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HAVING?
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YEA, I THINK IT'S A DOLPHIN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE OF THAT
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WOMB?
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SOME DECLINE NUT THRUSTS?
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT BABY'S BODY IS 90% CORE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THIS NEXT CLIP IS DRY CLEAN
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ONLY.
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ALRIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE
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THEATRICS, YOU GOT THE WRINKLES
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OUT FIVE MINUTES AGO.
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[LAUGHTER]
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EVERYONE IN THAT COUNTRY IS THE
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JET LI OF THEIR JOB.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SEE LADIES, WE CAN EVEN IRON
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BETTER.
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WE JUST LET YOU DO IT SO YOU
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FEEL EMPOWERED.
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REMEMBER KIDS, HAD HE WORN HIS
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HELMET, THIS NEXT VIDEO WOULDN'T
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EVEN BE ON OUR SHOW.
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[LAUGHTER]
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STICK TO WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT,
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BRAZILIANS.
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SOCCER AND WAXING TAINTS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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GREAT, NOW HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO
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STEAL ANOTHER BIKE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HEY, MAYBE BMX'ING ISN'T YOUR
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TICKET OUT OF THIS
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POVERTY-STRICKEN HELLHOLE.
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I'M MEAN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> LOOK!
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>> OH.
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>> I PRAY FOR YOU, BROTHER.
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PLEASE DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
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THIS IS STUPID.
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I PRAY FOR YOU, BROTHER.
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PLEASE BE SAFE.
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>> I NEVER KNEW IT WAS SUNNY IN
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BAD NEIGHBORHOODS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GANG
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MEMBER IN A WHEELCHAIR AND THIS
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IS WHY.
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LET'S SEE HOW TRICKLE DOWN
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ECONOMICS WORKED OUT IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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WELCOME TO COMPTON, WHERE
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AMAZING HAPPENS.
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I ASSUME HE'S UP THERE BECAUSE
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HE LOST HIS AROBIE.
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>> FELL 40, 50 FEET IN THE AIR.
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>> 50 FEET IN THE AIR?
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I'M NOT SURE HIS MATH IS CORRECT
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ON THAT.
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LET'S JUST CALL IT TOO HIGH TO
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JUMP.
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THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE PART OF
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THIS IS THAT POOKIE HAS DIRECTV.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> DO SOME BACKWARDS FLIPS IN
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THE AIR.
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>> DID HE JUST SAY A "BACKWARDS
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FLIP UP IN THE AIR?"
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SOMEBODY'S BEEN STUDYING COLOR
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COMMENTARY AT THE MAGIC JOHNSON
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INSTITUTE.
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LAUGH
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>> I PRAY FOR YOU, BROTHER.
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PLEASE, BE SAFE.
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>> OH, HE'S CONCERNED ENOUGH TO
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PRAY, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO PUT THE
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CAMERA DOWN AND CALL FOR HELP.
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DOESN'T MATTER, THE POLICE DON'T
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RESPOND IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD
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UNLESS IT REQUIRES EXCESSIVE
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FORCE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THIS IS EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE!
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YOU CANNOT GET THIS ON B.E.T.
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THIS IS REAL BLACK
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ENTERTAINMENT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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YOU'RE TELLING ME THE GAME IS
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BETTER THAN THIS?
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NO WAY.
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THAT GUY IS ABOUT TO FLIP OFF A
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GODDAMN ROOF.
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[LAUGHTER]
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DOES SUICIDE COUNT AS
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BLACK-ON-BLACK CRIME?
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IF ONLY SANDRA BULLOCK HAD
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ADOPTED HIM BEFORE IT CAME TO
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THIS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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CITY POOLS ARE SHALLOW.
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[LAUGHTER]
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LOOK AT HIM TAKE THAT BATMAN
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POSE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HE IS THE DARKEST KNIGHT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HIS BODY IS STILL ADJUSTING TO
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THE FACT ALL HIS ORGANS ARE IN
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HIS SHOES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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NO, I THINK HE'S FINE.
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HE HAD THAT PIMP LIMP BEFORE HE
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JUMPED.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'M JUST GLAD THE FREE CLINIC IN
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THAT NEIGHBORHOOD IS IN HOBBLING
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DISTANCE, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK
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YOU.
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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CRYING WRESTLING FAN, BUT FIRST
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SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
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>> GET YOUR HAND VERY WET.
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GET THIS VERY WET.
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AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO START
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GENTLY PINCHING AND PULLING.
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THIS IS A VERY SLOW PROCESS.
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YOU WANT TO DO IT GRADUALLY.
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YOU WANT TO DO IT FROM ALL
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ANGLES.
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KEEP IT REALLY WET.
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KEEP IT LUBRICATED.
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IF YOU GET FRICTION, YOU MIGHT
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PULL A PIECE OFF.
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INEVITABLY THAT WILL HAPPEN THE
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FIRST TIME.
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>> NEXT QUESTION, JEFF.
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WHERE ARE YOU?
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RIGHT THERE.
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>> YEAH.
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I JUST WANT TO THANK EACH AND
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EVERY ONE OF YA'LL FOR ALL
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YOU'VE DONE.
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IT'S STILL RUINING ME, DAMMIT.
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THANK YOU, GUYS.
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YOU'RE AWESOME.
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>> ALRIGHT, WRAP IT UP, CRY
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BABY.
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THE JV VOLLEYBALL TEAM NEEDS TO
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USE THAT GYM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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MEET DAVE, THE CRYING WRESTLING
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FAN.
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YOU GOTTA RESPECT HIS PASSION.
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GIRLS LOVE A MAN WITH
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SENSITIVITY.
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THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO BANG A
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CHUBBY ONE IN A TIGHT T-SHIRT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AND IF YOU THINK WRESTLING IS
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FAKE, WHY DON'T YOU DIG UP OWEN
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HART AND TELL HIM?
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EVEN IF IT IS FAKE, WHO CARES?
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SO ARE HOLLYWOOD AND TACO BELL
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MEAT, BUT I STILL LET THEM WRECK
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MY B-HOLE ALL THE TIME.
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RASSLIN' IS LIKE BROADWAY FOR
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HILLBILLIES.
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IT'S THE THIRD FAVORITE WHITE
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TRASH PASTIME BEHIND INCEST AND
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NASCAR.
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[LAUGHTER]
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PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST
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SPORT WHERE HONKIES DOMINATE!
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WRESTLING'S A BILLION DOLLAR
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INDUSTRY.
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DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY REDNECKS IT
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TAKES TO GET TO A BILLION
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DOLLARS?
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MORE THAN A BILLION.
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[LAUGHTER]
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PLUS, IT'S THE ONE SPORT THAT
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STILL ALLOWS PEOPLE TO ROID
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THEIR [BLEEP] OFF.
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THE ONLY TIME THERE'S A
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PERFORMANCE ENHANCEMENT SCANDAL
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IS WHEN THERE ISN'T ENOUGH JUICE
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TO GO AROUND.
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SORRY, NATURE BOY.
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WOOOH!
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WRESTLING IS THE GAYEST THING
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THAT ONLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE LIKE.
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IT'S BASICALLY A BIG, SWEATY
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GANG BANG OF FAILED ATHLETES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS, BACK
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WHEN IT WAS STILL CALLED THE WWF
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AND THE WORLD WILDLIFE
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FOUNDATION COULD GO SCREW
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ITSELF.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IT WAS A TIME WHEN GODS LIKE MY
269
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:28,767
FAVORITE HAIRDRESSER.
270
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:29,497
BRUTUS THE BARBER BEEFCAKE RULED
271
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,300
THE SQUARED CIRCLE.
272
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,330
A TIME WHEN MR. FUJI WASN'T
273
00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:33,073
CONSIDERED A RACIST ASIAN
274
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,727
STEREOTYPE.
275
00:08:34,733 --> 00:08:36,073
[LAUGHTER]
276
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,127
WHEN BOBBY THE BRAIN HEENAN WAS
277
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:37,873
OFFICIALLY THE SMARTEST MAN ON
278
00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:40,227
PLANET EARTH.
279
00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:40,973
THOSE HEROES ARE WORTH CRYING
280
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:42,367
ABOUT.
281
00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:44,497
THAT'S WHY WE BOUNCED DAVE OFF
282
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,100
THE ROPES AND INTO TOSH-O-MANIA
283
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:52,630
FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
284
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,573
[APPLAUSE]
285
00:08:55,700 --> 00:09:15,100
[LAUGHTER]
286
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:20,330
[LAUGHTER]
287
00:09:20,333 --> 00:09:22,073
>> HOW ARE YOU, DAVE?
288
00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:24,267
>> CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE
289
00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:24,567
FROM?
290
00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:25,967
>> YES, DANIEL.
291
00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:29,727
>> PLEASE, CALL ME THE ULTIMATE
292
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:30,133
WARRIOR!
293
00:09:30,133 --> 00:09:31,803
>> UM, I'M FROM ATLANTA,
294
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,930
GEORGIA.
295
00:09:32,933 --> 00:09:34,203
YOU KNOW WHERE I'M FROM?
296
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,600
PARTS UNKNOWN.
297
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:38,100
>> PARTS UNKNOWN!
298
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,630
[LAUGHTER]
299
00:09:39,633 --> 00:09:41,673
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
300
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,067
>> I'M AN AREA MANAGER WITH A
301
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:44,627
FACILITIES COMPANY.
302
00:09:44,633 --> 00:09:45,433
>> MAN!
303
00:09:45,433 --> 00:09:46,473
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
304
00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:48,667
>> STUFF LIKE MAINTENANCE,
305
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,427
JANITORIAL ACCOUNTS, STUFF LIKE
306
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:50,733
THAT.
307
00:09:50,733 --> 00:09:52,433
>> DO ANY OF YOUR EMPLOYERS DO
308
00:09:52,433 --> 00:09:53,273
THAT TO YOU?
309
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:55,767
>> I'VE HAD A FEW BRING IT TO MY
310
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:56,167
ATTENTION.
311
00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:57,967
>> WHAT DO THEY SAY?
312
00:09:57,967 --> 00:10:00,797
>> YOU THINK ARN ANDER SON IS A
313
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:01,130
PUSSY?
314
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:02,133
>> NO, I DON'T.
315
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,973
>> I'D LIKE TO GET A FEW MINUTES
316
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:05,067
IN THE RING WITH HIM.
317
00:10:05,067 --> 00:10:07,267
>> ARN, YOU'RE WATCHING.
318
00:10:07,267 --> 00:10:09,127
>> WHAT WERE YOU ATTENDING?
319
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:10,773
>> I WAS ATTENDING SOMETHING
320
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,797
CALLED THE TRIBUTE TO STARCADE
321
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,670
IN SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA.
322
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:17,827
>> HOW DID YOU GET GOOD SEATS?
323
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:19,273
>> I WALKED IN THERE AND BOUGHT
324
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:19,997
A TICKET?
325
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,230
>> WHERE WAS IT AT?
326
00:10:21,233 --> 00:10:23,903
>> IN SPARTANBURG IN A COLISEUM.
327
00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:25,730
>> THAT WAS A COLISEUM?
328
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:26,503
>> YES.
329
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:27,930
>> THAT LOOKED LIKE A MIDDLE
330
00:10:27,933 --> 00:10:28,273
SCHOOL.
331
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:32,067
>> WAS THERE HUNDREDS OR 50?
332
00:10:32,067 --> 00:10:34,097
>> OBVIOUSLY IT DIDN'T DO TOO
333
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:34,400
WELL.
334
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,970
>> IS BROOK HOGAN A MAN?
335
00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:40,767
>> I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THAT.
336
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:44,697
>> I SPOT THE SUN AGAINST THE
337
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:45,030
ENERGY!
338
00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:46,433
OH, YEAH!
339
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:47,773
OH, OH, YEAH.
340
00:10:47,767 --> 00:10:48,067
OH!
341
00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:50,027
>> WHY DID YOU GET SO EMOTIONAL?
342
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:51,773
>> IT WAS JUST AN EMOTIONAL
343
00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:52,067
TIME.
344
00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:54,627
I GOT TO MEET SOME OF MY
345
00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:56,133
FAVORITE WRESTLERS AND IT GOT
346
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,533
CAUGHT UP WITH ME.
347
00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:59,333
>> DID YOU EVER MASTURBATE TO
348
00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:00,273
MISS ELIZABETH?
349
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:00,767
>> NEVER.
350
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:02,927
NOT AT ALL.
351
00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:03,873
>> SHE DIED.
352
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:04,927
DRUG OVERDOSE.
353
00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:06,273
WHAT WERE SOME OF THE RUMORS
354
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:07,227
THAT YOU READ ABOUT YOURSELF?
355
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,933
>> THAT I WAS SITTING IN MY
356
00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:11,733
MOMMA'S BASEMENT EATING CHEETOS
357
00:11:11,733 --> 00:11:14,073
IN MY UNDERWEAR, WHICH IS NOT
358
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:15,597
TRUE BECAUSE MOM AND DAD NEVER
359
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,270
HAD A BASEMENT AND I'M NOT BIG
360
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,427
INTO CHEETOS.
361
00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:22,103
>> YOU DON'T LIKE CHEETOS?
362
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,100
>> DORITOS?
363
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,070
>> DORITOS IS GOOD.
364
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,497
>> DO YOU KNOW WHETHER WRESTLING
365
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,500
IS FAKE?
366
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,070
>> THEY MAKE A GREAT SACRIFICE
367
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,197
TO THEIR BODIES.
368
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,170
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW TO REVERSE
369
00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:36,197
THE FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK?
370
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:36,870
>> YES, I DO.
371
00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:37,867
>> LET ME DO IT.
372
00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:39,897
>> YOU KNOW HOW TO PUT IT ON?
373
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:43,730
>> LET ME PUT IT ON.
374
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:45,373
>> ARGH!
375
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:49,227
YOU GROWING TO REVERSE IT?
376
00:11:49,233 --> 00:11:52,273
OH, HA, HA.
377
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:54,267
ALL RIGHT, DAVE, I'M A HUGE
378
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:55,467
WRESTLING FAN.
379
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,167
UNLIKE YOU, I'M RICH AND I NEED
380
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:57,827
A TAX SHELTER.
381
00:11:57,833 --> 00:12:01,633
I CREATED A CHARITY IN YOUR NAME
382
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:04,073
TO HONOR PAST WRESTLING GREATS.
383
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:12,297
**
384
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:15,070
WE ARE BACK STAGE LIVE AT TOSH'S
385
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:15,297
PIT.
386
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,170
WITH ME IS THE CRYING WRESTLING
387
00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:18,127
FAN, DAVE.
388
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:19,703
DAVE, THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,
389
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,630
ARE YOU READY TO AWARD THE FIRST
390
00:12:21,633 --> 00:12:27,403
EVER RECIPIENT OF THE BRONZE
391
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:27,730
SINGLET?
392
00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:28,733
>> YES, I AM.
393
00:12:28,733 --> 00:12:30,203
>> ARE YOU READY TO DO IT
394
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,630
WITHOUT SOBBING LIKE A HUGE
395
00:12:31,633 --> 00:12:31,933
BABY?
396
00:12:31,933 --> 00:12:32,373
>> YES, I AM.
397
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:32,927
>> ALL RIGHT.
398
00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:34,973
TAKE IT AWAY, DAVE.
399
00:12:34,967 --> 00:12:42,067
WITH HIS PURPLE OUTFIT, COCO
400
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:44,827
BEWARE WAS IN WRESTLING OVER A
401
00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:45,173
DECADE.
402
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:49,097
IT'S AN HONOR TO HONOR HIM WITH
403
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,900
THE BRONZE SINGLET CHARITY
404
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:53,300
AWARD.
405
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,500
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COCO
406
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:54,830
BEWARE?
407
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:55,833
>> OH, YEAH.
408
00:12:55,833 --> 00:12:57,273
THE BIRD MAN IS FLYING HIGH.
409
00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:59,067
WHAT'S GOING ON, BROTHER?
410
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:02,097
>> IT'S MY PLEASURE TO PRESENT
411
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:03,370
TO YOU WITH THE BRONZE SINGLET
412
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,527
CHARITY AWARD.
413
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:05,533
>> OH, MY GOD!
414
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:06,173
THANK YOU.
415
00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:15,727
>> COCO, ON A PERSONAL NOTE --
416
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:19,573
>> IT'S STILL RUINING ME,
417
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:19,897
DAMMIT.
418
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,230
>> I KNOW THAT LAUGH.
419
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:22,433
THAT'S THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN.
420
00:13:22,433 --> 00:13:24,903
>> WHAT AM I DOING HERE, COCO
421
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:25,200
MAN!
422
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,530
>> I HERE TO CLAIM MY AWARD.
423
00:13:26,533 --> 00:13:27,233
>> THIS IS MINE.
424
00:13:27,233 --> 00:13:28,503
>> MY TROPHY.
425
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:29,530
>> NO.
426
00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:29,833
MINE.
427
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:30,303
>> OH!
428
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,670
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
429
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:34,827
IF I CAN'T HAVE IT, NOBODY GETS
430
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:35,103
IT.
431
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,600
NOBODY GETS IT.
432
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,330
>> OH, THIS IS MEAN GENE.
433
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:41,803
THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S SPILLING
434
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:42,930
OVER INTO THE RING.
435
00:13:42,933 --> 00:13:44,703
MILLION DOLLAR MAN IS HAVING TO
436
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,400
SORT INTO THIS TRANSACTION.
437
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,770
LOOKS LIKE DANIEL TOSH WANTS IN
438
00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:49,497
ON THE ACTION.
439
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:53,800
OH, MY GOODNESS!
440
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,270
SERGEANT SLAUGHTER CLOTHESLINES
441
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:57,567
THEM.
442
00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,127
SERGEANT SLAUGHTER SLAPS DAVE
443
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:05,233
WITH THE COBRA CLUTCH.
444
00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,333
DANIEL SNEAKS BACK INTO THE RING
445
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,373
WITH THE BRONZE SINGLET AWARD.
446
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,627
HE'S GOING TO RETURN IT TO ITS
447
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:12,673
RIGHTFUL OWNER.
448
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:13,297
FINALLY, JUSTICE.
449
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:14,770
>> THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY IN
450
00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:15,327
MY LIFE.
451
00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:16,603
IT'S REAL TO ME.
452
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:17,070
REAL TO ME, TOO.
453
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:22,527
[APPLAUSE]
454
00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:24,073
>> I CANNOT BELIEVE THE MILLION
455
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:24,797
DOLLAR MAN DIDN'T BRING VIRGIL.
456
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:25,670
[LAUGHTER]
457
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:26,597
THE ECONOMY IS HITTING EVERYONE
458
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,070
PRETTY HARD.
459
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:27,397
[LAUGHTER]
460
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,130
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,
461
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:28,903
THIS IS WHY I MAKE MY GIRLFRIEND
462
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:33,130
PUMP.
463
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:51,670
[APPLAUSE]
464
00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:57,067
[APPLAUSE]
465
00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:58,097
>> FOR YEARS OPRAH AND I HAVE
466
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,700
BEEN GIRLFRIENDS, BUT RECENTLY
467
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:01,270
SHE BEGGED ME FOR A FORMAL
468
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,397
SIT-DOWN INTERVIEW.
469
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:04,970
I CAN'T SAY NO TO THAT BITCH.
470
00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:07,497
[LAUGHTER]
471
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,330
>> THANKS FOR DOING THIS TODAY.
472
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:12,073
>> OPRAH, SINCE IT'S YOUR LAST
473
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,367
SEASON, I THOUGHT WHY NOT THROW
474
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:13,767
YOU A BONE.
475
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:18,867
[LAUGHTER]
476
00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:20,527
>> I THINK YOU LOOK BETTER THAN
477
00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:20,833
EVER.
478
00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:24,703
>> THANK YOU, OPRAH.
479
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:25,330
YOU LOOK GREAT.
480
00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:27,403
>> SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE
481
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,870
INFAMOUS SEX TAPE.
482
00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:32,827
FIRST OF ALL, WHY DID YOU ALL
483
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:34,233
DECIDE TO PUT YOURSELF ON TAPE?
484
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,073
>> OKAY.
485
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:39,627
I DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE TIME I
486
00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:40,333
HAVE SEX.
487
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:41,673
THAT'S JUST FOR THE LIBRARY.
488
00:15:41,667 --> 00:15:44,867
>> AND I ALSO UNDERSTAND NOW
489
00:15:44,867 --> 00:15:49,127
THAT JOHN MAYER, YOUR FORMER
490
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:49,533
BOYFRIEND.
491
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:50,103
>> OKAY.
492
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:50,970
THAT'S A LIE.
493
00:15:50,967 --> 00:15:52,227
I SUCK HIS [BLEEP].
494
00:15:52,233 --> 00:15:52,773
THAT'S IT.
495
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:54,097
WE'RE FRIENDS.
496
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:56,870
YES, HE WROTE THE SONG "YOUR
497
00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:58,767
BODY IS A WONDERLAND" ABOUT MY
498
00:15:58,767 --> 00:15:59,127
BODY.
499
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:01,133
>> I HAVE TO ASK YOU THIS, SO
500
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,573
MANY MOTHERS IN MY AUDIENCE HAVE
501
00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:04,767
SAID TO PLEASE ASK YOU THIS
502
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:05,127
QUESTION.
503
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:07,373
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GRAB YOUR
504
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:07,697
CROTCH?
505
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,070
>> IT'S OUR SPECIAL LITTLE SIGN
506
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,967
TO MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
507
00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,067
EVERY TIME I TUG ON MY CROTCH,
508
00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:14,727
SHE KNOWS THAT DADDY WILL BE
509
00:16:14,733 --> 00:16:15,733
HOME LATER.
510
00:16:15,733 --> 00:16:17,703
>> WHEN DID YOU FIRST START USE
511
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:18,100
SOMETHING.
512
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,370
>> DURING MY RAVE DAYS IN
513
00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:22,897
FLORIDA.
514
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:28,100
ECSTASY AND CUBAN MEN WERE THE
515
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,500
BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
516
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,400
>> HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU
517
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:32,770
REALIZED?
518
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:37,197
>> PART OF ME HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN.
519
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:37,930
GUESS WHICH PART?
520
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:38,673
MY WIENER.
521
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:40,827
>> THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING ON
522
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,733
OPRAH, I HAD TO GO HOME IN MY
523
00:16:43,733 --> 00:16:44,103
FREE KIA!
524
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,200
[LAUGHTER]
525
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:46,830
BY THE WAY, WAS I BEING
526
00:16:46,833 --> 00:16:47,703
INTERVIEWED BY FAT OPRAH OR
527
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:48,400
SKINNY OPRAH?
528
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,070
BECAUSE SKINNY OPRAH ALWAYS
529
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,527
LOOKS VERY SIMILAR TO FAT OPRAH.
530
00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:53,173
ALRIGHT, NOW THE MOMENT TODD
531
00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:56,397
GLASS HAS BEEN WAITING FOR.
532
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,970
YET ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF TODD
533
00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:06,467
GLASS' AWFUL PRANK SHOW.
534
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:11,197
>> IT'S REALLY BAD!
535
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,170
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING?
536
00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:15,167
>> I LOST A LITTLE PUPPY.
537
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,667
YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, DID YOU?
538
00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:18,397
YOU MIND HELPING ME FIND IT?
539
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,170
THANKS A LOT.
540
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:22,797
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
541
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,770
NERVOUS.
542
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:27,297
PROBABLY HUNGRY BY NOW.
543
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:28,330
PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON, ALL
544
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:30,533
RIGHT?
545
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:31,073
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
546
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,597
>> ANDREW.
547
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:33,400
>> ANDREW?
548
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,600
YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE A
549
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:36,300
[BLEEP] PUPPY?
550
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:36,630
DO YOU?
551
00:17:36,633 --> 00:17:38,603
YOU THINK A GROWN MAN MY AGE
552
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:42,230
JUST LOSES A PUPPY?
553
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:45,673
YOU ARE ON MY NEW PRANK SHOW.
554
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:46,827
IT'S NO [BLEEP] PUPPY.
555
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,633
I DON'T MAKE BAD DECISIONS.
556
00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:51,273
YOU KNOW WHO MAKES BAD
557
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:51,667
DECISIONS?
558
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:52,067
YOU.
559
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:53,227
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE IN A BAND WITH
560
00:17:53,233 --> 00:17:56,303
A GROWN ADULT.
561
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,870
YOU ARE STUPID!
562
00:17:57,867 --> 00:18:01,727
EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN MY
563
00:18:01,733 --> 00:18:02,073
PUPPY?
564
00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:05,697
DO I REALLY LOVE MY -- FIRST OF
565
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:08,830
ALL, I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS.
566
00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:11,903
WHY WOULD I HAVE A PUPPY WHEN
567
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:12,230
[BLEEP].
568
00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:14,073
THIS GETS STUPID AND STUPIDER.
569
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,567
SIT HOME AND PLAY YOUR DUMB
570
00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:19,467
VIDEO GAME AND GET IN BED WITH
571
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:19,827
STRANGERS.
572
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:20,833
>> CAN I GO HOME NOW?
573
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,733
>> YEAH, LIKE I'M GOING TO LET
574
00:18:22,733 --> 00:18:25,703
YOU OUT OF MY VAN.
575
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:26,970
YOU [BLEEP] IDIOT.
576
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:28,827
[APPLAUSE]
577
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,403
>> TODD MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE
578
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,070
REALLY DOESN'T APPRECIATE THE
579
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,097
NEGATIVE FEEDBACK ON TWITTER AS
580
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:35,170
MUCH AS I DO, SO PLEASE BE VERY
581
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:35,867
RESPECTFUL OF HIS FEELINGS.
582
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:37,767
[LAUGHTER]
583
00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:38,497
AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT,
584
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:39,370
WHEN I MAKE FUN OF CELEBRITIES,
585
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:40,427
COULD YOU PLEASE QUIT RUNNING ON
586
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:41,503
TWITTER TO LET THEM KNOW, YOU
587
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,100
[BLEEP] LITTLE TATTLE-TALES.
588
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,400
[LAUGHTER]
589
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,130
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
590
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:45,803
"THE CHRIS WYLDE SHOW" WITH
591
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,270
CHRIS WYLDE.
592
00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:50,127
[APPLAUSE]
593
00:18:56,333 --> 00:19:05,233
[APPLAUSE]
594
00:19:05,233 --> 00:19:07,073
>> WELCOME BACK.
595
00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:08,127
IT'S TIME FOR THE UNFORTUNATE
596
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:09,973
DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK, WHICH
597
00:19:09,967 --> 00:19:11,227
IS RIM.JOBS.
598
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,803
[LAUGHTER]
599
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,170
YEP.
600
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:17,267
THIS IS A SITE WHERE YOU APPLY
601
00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:18,267
FOR A JOB AT RIM, THE COMPANY
602
00:19:18,267 --> 00:19:20,927
THAT MAKES BLACKBERRIES.
603
00:19:20,933 --> 00:19:22,073
BLACKBERRIES ARE THE THINGS OLD
604
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:22,727
PEOPLE USE BECAUSE TYPING ON
605
00:19:22,733 --> 00:19:25,073
IPHONES IS SCARY.
606
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,297
[LAUGHTER]
607
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:27,430
APPARENTLY TO GET A RIM JOB,
608
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:28,203
YOU'VE GOT TO FRENCH KISS A LOT
609
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,070
OF ASS.
610
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:30,867
[LAUGHTER]
611
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:31,567
BY THE WAY, IF YOU GO TO THE
612
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:32,267
COMMISSARY, I HEAR THEY HAVE
613
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:32,967
GREAT TOSSED SALAD.
614
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:34,197
[LAUGHTER]
615
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,470
ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
616
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:37,427
NEXT WEEK, THE HURDLE GIRLS STOP
617
00:19:37,433 --> 00:19:38,103
BY FOR OUR FIRST EVER WEB
618
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:46,200
REMATCH.
619
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,070
[LAUGHTER]
620
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,367
I ASSUME THAT WAS THE OLYMPICS.
621
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,127
[LAUGHTER]
622
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:51,803
ALRIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME FOR
623
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:52,530
COMEDY CENTRAL'S FAVORITE PART
624
00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:52,973
OF THE SHOW.
625
00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:55,067
THE PLUGS.
626
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:56,597
MY NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL "HAPPY
627
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,600
THOUGHTS" PREMIERES MARCH 6TH.
628
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,670
BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
629
00:19:58,667 --> 00:19:59,397
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE
630
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,870
SHOWS.
631
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,367
AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG
632
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,067
OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM
633
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:04,827
AND FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT YOUR OWN
634
00:20:04,833 --> 00:20:06,673
VIDEOS.
635
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,297
AND FINALLY, LAST WEEK I ASKED
636
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,370
MY SEXIEST TWITTER FOLLOWERS TO
637
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,927
SEND ME VIDEOS OF THEM BURPING.
638
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,103
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE DOING
639
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:13,100
THIS, BUT WE DO HAVE 30 EPISODES
640
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,900
TO FILL THIS YEAR, SO SUCK IT.
641
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:19,970
[LAUGHTER]
642
00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:43,173
[BURPING]
643
00:20:43,167 --> 00:21:03,397
[BURPING]
644
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,300
[BURPING]
645
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:06,630
>> BYE-BYE!
646
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:10,273
[APPLAUSE]
39113
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