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>> THIS FEATURES VIDEOS FROM THE
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INTERNET AND IS INTENDED FOR A
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MATURE AUDIENCE.
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COMEDY CENTRAL DOESN'T CONDONE
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THE PERFORMANCES AND
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DISCOURAGING ANYONE FROM
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ATTEMPTING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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>> * *
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>> [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
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>> * *
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>> [APPLAUDING].
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>> * *
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>> NOT THE CLEANEST 'TRIPLE
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LINDEY' I'VE EVER SEEN.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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NOW AVAILABLE IN EGYPT.
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YEA, THE RIOTING WORKED, AS IT
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ALWAYS DOES.
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THE EVOLUTION OF DANCE GUY SHOWS
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US HIS MOVES.
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WE CHECK IN TO SEE IF THIS
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MISOGYNIST HAS FOUND LOVE.
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AND I SHOW YOU MY UNAIRED SUPER
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BOWL COMMERCIAL.
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[LAUGHING].
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>> ALRIGHT, LET'S PLAY HUMAN
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PLINKO AGAIN.
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SPRING BREAK RULES.
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>> [CHEERING].
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>> SEE?
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THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO DIE IN
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MEXICO BESIDES GETTING KIDNAPPED
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OR MURDERED BY THE PRODUCER OF
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SURVIVOR.
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NOT MANY CLIFF DIVERS TAKE THE
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SCENIC ROUTE.
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TURNS OUT THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN
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IS NOT AS FORGIVING AS YOU'D
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THINK.
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IT IS GOING TO BE HARD TO TREAD
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WATER WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN.
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[LAUGHING].
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>> DID YOU KNOW THE MOST
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INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD HAS
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A SON?
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I DON'T ALWAYS DRINK BEER WHILE
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BALANCING ANOTHER ON MY NOSE,
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BUT WHEN I DO, I PREFER DOS
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EQUIS.
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THAT'S HOW YOU GET TO BE
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VALEDICTORIAN AT ARIZONA STATE.
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REMEMBER, KIDS, COLLEGE IS A
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WASTE OF TIME.
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PRETTY IMPRESSIVE CONSIDERING
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IT'S AT AN AA MEETING.
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HEY 79, WHY DO YOU HAVE TWO
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DARTBOARDS?
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IT'S NICE TO SEE A STRIPPER MAKE
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IT RAIN FOR A CHANGE.
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>> OH!
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>> OH, OH!
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>>
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THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A
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GENTLEMAN'S CLUB.
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NOW, LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY
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SOPHISTICATED COMMENTS WE CAN
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SQUIRT OUT OF OUR ASS.
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BELLAGIO TO THE MAIN STAGE.
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BELLAGIO TO THE MAIN STAGE.
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GUESS WHO DOESN'T HAVE A DAD?
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SHE IS A WORLD-CLASS SHART
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SHOOTER.
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IF YOU THOUGHT COMING HOME
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COVERED IN GLITTER WAS A
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PROBLEM.
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THANKS FOR HOSING ME DOWN WITH
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ASS WATER.
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HAVE SOME SINGLES.
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THOSE GUYS DO NOT SEEM TO MIND
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NEARLY AS MUCH AS THEY SHOULD.
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I GOT SOME ON ME.
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NAH, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND KEEP
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THE FUNNEL.
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IN MATTER OF FACT, BURN IT.
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IT'S THE STRIPPER SOAKER 6000.
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THAT'S ONE HIGH- CAPACITY ANUS.
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[LAUGHING].
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>>
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I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL
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IS, THAT'S HOW I WATER MY LAWN.
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[LAUGHING].
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>>
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THE BEST PART IS, THAT ALSO
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FERTILIZES IT.
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DON'T WORRY AMERICA, IF WE EVER
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START FIGHTING WARS BAREHANDED,
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WE'LL BE FINE.
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>> HOW FAR DO YOU HAVE TO HIT
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THEM, THOUGH?
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>> * *
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>> OH.
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>> [LAUGHING].
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GREAT, YOU PARALYZED SARGE.
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HE WENT DOWN FASTER THAN JOHN
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TRAVOLTA IN A WEST HOLLYWOOD
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BATHHOUSE.
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ALLEGEDLY!
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THAT'S WHY TERRORISTS WEAR
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SCARVES.
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THAT JOKE'S CLEVER AND RACIST.
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NICE FINISHING MOVE.
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NOW GET OUT OF THE SUPPLY CLOSET
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AND FIND OSAMA.
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SPEAKING OF VIOLENCE, THE NRA
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THROWS ONE HELL OF A PICNIC.
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>> SNOW STORM
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-- * *
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[GUNFIRE].
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>> * *
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>> [GUNFIRE].
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THIS IS SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA.
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WHAT'S MORE ANNOYING, THE
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TERRIBLE MUSIC OR BULLET SHELLS
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IN MY FRUIT SALAD?
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THAT IS A TOTAL SAUSAGE FEST.
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YOU SEE, LIBERALS?
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THAT'S FREEDOM.
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JOHN CONNER SPOKE OF A DAY WHEN
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THE MACHINES WOULD FIGHT BACK.
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>> OH!
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>>
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THE LEG-DESTROYING MACHINE WORKS
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PERFECTLY.
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MAYBE IT'S BETTER FOR AMERICA TO
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OUTSOURCE OUR FACTORY JOBS.
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OKAY, PLEASE TURN IT OFF.
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I'M DONE WITH THIS MACHINE.
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[LAUGHING].
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>> WHAT IS NEXT?
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>> * *
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>> OH!
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>> [LAUGHING].
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>>
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I THINK THIS IS THAT MOVIE THE
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ROAD WHERE EVERYTHING IS GREY
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AND EVERYONE IS DEAD AND NO ONE
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WENT TO SEE IT.
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LET'S SEE IF THAT GUY SURVIVED
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BURNING MAN IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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* *
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>> [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
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EVERY VIDEO FROM RUSSIA IS
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DEPRESSING.
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IT'S LIKE THEY HAVE THEIR
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CAMERAS SET TO SAD.
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THIS COMRADE FEELS A BIT CHILLY.
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GOOD THING THERE'S A BURNING CAR
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ON EVERY BLOCK IN THE UKRAINE.
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MY GOODNESS.
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THAT'S HOW MICHAEL JACKSON DIED
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THE FIRST TIME.
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WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED GASOLINE
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WOULD BE SO FLAMMABLE?
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JUST STAY CALM.
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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
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FART PURE VODKA.
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HIS SEX IS ON FIRE!
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I GUESS WE KNOW WHO THE LIAR,
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LIAR IS-- HE DON'T NEED NO
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WATER, LET THOSE MOTHER-DOCKERS
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BURN.
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>>
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BURN MOTHER-DOCKERS.
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BURN.
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>>
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YOU KNOW HOW I CAN TELL THIS
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ISN'T A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE?
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BECAUSE THERE'S NO HOT WOMEN AND
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IT HAS A PLOT.
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STOP, DROP AND ROLL IS NOT AN
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OPTION WHEN EVERY INCH OF YOUR
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COUNTRY IS COVERED IN BROKEN
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GLASS, SO HE GOES WITH JOG,
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BURN, AND BLISTER.
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>> [LAUGHING].
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>>
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NICE ASSLESS CHAPS.
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NOW HE'LL HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE
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FOR 8 WEEKS TO GET A NEW PAIR OF
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PANTS.
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I'M JUST GLAD THAT COUNTRY
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DOESN'T HAVE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS,
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AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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EVOLUTION OF DANCE GUY, BUT
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FIRST:
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IT'S OUR SECURITY GUARD
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EVERETT'S BLACK CLIP OF THE
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WEEK.
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>> HEY.
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>> [SCREAMING].
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>> [SINGING].
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I BET IT AIN'T ME.
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[SCREAMING].
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>> THE EVOLUTION OF DANCE.
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* *
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>> * YOU'RE NOTHING *
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* BUT A HOUND DOG *
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* *
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>> * *
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>> [CHEERING].
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>> * *
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>> [CHEERING].
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THAT'S JUDSON LAIPPLY, AND BY
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DOING EVERY TERRIBLE DANCE OUR
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CULTURE HAS CREATED IN 5
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MINUTES, HE HAS ONE OF THE MOST
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POPULAR VIDEOS OF ALL TIME.
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AND HE DID IT WITH HIS T-SHIRT
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TUCKED INTO HIS JEANS.
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160 MILLION VIEWS, WHICH IS
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CRAZY, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN
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ABLE TO SIT THROUGH IT ONCE.
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JUST THINK OF HOW MUCH BETTER
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THAT WOULD'VE BEEN HAD HE NOT
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BEEN SO CAUCASIAN.
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THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE
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ENTIRE WORLD WHO SHOULD BE
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ALLOWED TO DANCE.
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SHAKIRA AND BLACK PEOPLE.
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THE GREATEST DANCERS OF ALL TIME
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ARE.
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KID PLAY.
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WHEN THEY HOOK THEIR LEGS
238
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TOGETHER AND HOP AROUND, IT
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TAKES MY BREATH AWAY EVERY
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SINGLE TIME.
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ASIANS, WE GET IT, YOU CAN DO
242
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THE ROBOT.
243
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WONDER WHERE YOU PICKED THAT UP
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FROM?
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CAUSE THEY MAKE ROBOTS.
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ALL DAY.
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WOMEN ALWAYS SAY THEY WANT A
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DANCER'S BODY, BUT EVERY
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PROFESSIONAL DANCER IS BUILT
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LIKE A 7 YEAR OLD BOY, SO I
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THINK I'LL TAKE A GIRL WITH A
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PLAYMATE'S BODY AND CALL IT A
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DAY.
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AND YES, YOU CAN TELL HOW GOOD A
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GUY IS IN BED BY THE WAY HE
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DANCES.
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IF A GUY IS EXCELLENT AT
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DANCING, HE'S PROBABLY ALSO
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REALLY GREAT AT HAVING SEX WITH
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MEN.
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HAVING ANAL SEX.
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IF BLACK SWAN TAUGHT ME
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ANYTHING, IT'S THAT BALLET IS
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ONLY TOLERABLE WHEN YOU PEPPER
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IN SOME FACE STABBING AND
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GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION.
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THAT MOVIE GAVE ME A LESBO-NER.
268
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DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING.
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AH, NO, YOU SHOULD DANCE LIKE
270
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:05,667
EVERYONE IS WATCHING SO YOU
271
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:07,127
DON'T LOOK LIKE A FOOL.
272
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:08,203
IT'S THE QUICKEST WAY TO
273
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:08,900
EMBARRASS YOURSELF IN PUBLIC
274
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,570
OUTSIDE OF DATING.
275
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,267
JENNIFER ANISTON.
276
00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:13,967
AH, SHE'S A LITTLE DEPRESSING.
277
00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:15,967
COME ON.
278
00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:18,197
JUDSON'S VIDEO IS 5 YEARS OLD.
279
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:18,900
IT'S TIME TO PUT HIS TITLE ON
280
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:19,900
THE LINE.
281
00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:21,070
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM OUT TO
282
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:22,167
HOLLYWOOD TO FIND OUT IF HE'S
283
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:22,897
STILL THE INTERNET DANCING KING
284
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:27,400
IN THIS WEEK'S WEB DANCE OFF.
285
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:33,300
>> [APPLAUDING].
286
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,170
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
287
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:36,067
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
288
00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:41,597
>> IT WILL BE A GOOD DAY.
289
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,930
VERY SELDOM AM I NOT THE GAYEST
290
00:09:43,933 --> 00:09:44,333
DRESSED ONE.
291
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,433
YOU ARE GIVING ME A STRODGE RUN.
292
00:09:46,433 --> 00:09:48,133
>> IT'S MY FLASH DANCE.
293
00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:50,703
>> WHEN THAT VIDEO PUT ON LINE?
294
00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:51,070
>> 2006.
295
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,067
>> HOW QUICKLY DID IT BECOME A
296
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:55,127
MONSTER
297
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,203
A. 5 WEEKS.
298
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,500
>> HOW MANY VIEWS?
299
00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:01,170
>> 158 MILLION.
300
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,397
>> HOW MANY MILLION DOLLARS DOES
301
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,400
THAT TRANSLATE INTO IT?
302
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:05,770
>> ZERO.
303
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:06,467
>> HOW COME?
304
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:08,667
>> ALL OF THE SONICS ARE
305
00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:09,067
COPYRIGHTED.
306
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,227
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
307
00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:19,603
>> I AM A PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER.
308
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,570
DO YOU EVER NOT DO THE DANCE
309
00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:22,897
PORTION?
310
00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:23,370
>> NOT ANYMORE.
311
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:24,197
>> DOES THAT SCARE YOU?
312
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,830
>> I KNOW IT WILL BE LIMITED.
313
00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:28,473
WONE BE 40 YEARS OLD AND STILL
314
00:10:28,467 --> 00:10:29,597
DOING THE EVOLUTION OF DANCE.
315
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,070
>> I BEG TO DIFFER.
316
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:34,197
>> [LAUGHING].
317
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,530
WHAT AND YOUR FAVORITE DANCE
318
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:36,833
MOVE?
319
00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:38,733
>> THE BRADY PUNCH OR THE APACHE
320
00:10:38,733 --> 00:10:39,403
JUMP ON IT.
321
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,100
>> HOW MANY SONICS DO YOU HAVE A
322
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:43,400
YEAR?
323
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,330
>> 2 OR 3.
324
00:10:44,333 --> 00:10:46,703
>> HAVE YOU HAD THAT ONE YET?
325
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:47,600
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE.
326
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,730
>> YOU WEAR BAGGY CLOTHES AND
327
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:51,873
SHOW YOUR JUNK.
328
00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:53,697
HAS ANYBODY EVER CHALLENGED YOU
329
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:55,730
TO A DANCE OFF?
330
00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:56,073
>> NO.
331
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:56,997
>> WELL, THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY,
332
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:01,830
YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO BE ON
333
00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:03,933
DANCING WITH THE INTERNET STARS.
334
00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:06,073
I AM NOT SURE I AM READY.
335
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,897
>> LYOU HAVE 30 MINUTES TO
336
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:09,270
PRACTICE.
337
00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:20,567
>> WELCOME BACK TO.
338
00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:26,667
THIS IS MY FAVORITE.
339
00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:28,167
THE BRAZILIAN DRY COMPANY.
340
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:31,467
WELCOME OUR SAME SEX COUPLE.
341
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:44,297
>> [APPLAUDING].
342
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,800
>> * *
343
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:57,200
>> [LAUGHING].
344
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:02,170
>> * *
345
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:03,797
>> [APPLAUDING].
346
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:04,900
>> WOW!
347
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,270
>> THAT WAS SOMETHING.
348
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,527
COME ON OVER HERE YOU DUDES.
349
00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:09,903
GET YOUR BREATH.
350
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:12,070
NOW TO GO TO OUR JUDGES.
351
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:14,327
BECAUSE THIS IS DANCING WITH THE
352
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:16,473
INTERNET STARS, OUR JUDGES ARE
353
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:20,667
JUST ORINARY JERKS WITH WEB
354
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:20,967
CAMS.
355
00:12:20,967 --> 00:12:23,927
>> FIRST, 9.
356
00:12:23,933 --> 00:12:25,973
>> 9 POINTS.
357
00:12:25,967 --> 00:12:26,497
HUH?
358
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:30,570
JUDGE NUMBER 2.
359
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:31,067
SMASH MASTER.
360
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:32,767
>> YOUR WIFE IS HOT.
361
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:33,067
8.
362
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:36,697
>> YES, SHE IS.
363
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:37,070
>> ANDLY.
364
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:40,067
>> I THOUGHT THEY HAD GO FORM.
365
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,867
IMPRESSIVE STRENGTH ON THE LIFT.
366
00:12:41,867 --> 00:12:43,797
PRETTY STRONG ROUTINE.
367
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,230
>> A STRONG ROUTINE FOR A BUNCH
368
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,173
OF [BLEEP] GUYS.
369
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:48,567
A 9.
370
00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:51,367
>> SO YOUR COMBINED TOTAL IS 26
371
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:53,497
WHICH MEANS BY A MARGIN OF 1
372
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:56,070
POINT, TONIGHT'S WINNER IS THAT
373
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:59,427
GUY IN LEOTARDS.
374
00:12:59,433 --> 00:13:01,403
>> NO, WHAT?
375
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,630
FROM ALL OF US WITH DANCING WITH
376
00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:06,473
THE INTERNET STARS, I AM TOM,
377
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:10,567
GOOD NIGHT.
378
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:12,627
>> HE TRIED TO BING ME.
379
00:13:12,633 --> 00:13:13,233
>> [LAUGHING].
380
00:13:13,233 --> 00:13:15,873
>> WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
381
00:13:15,867 --> 00:13:18,167
FIRST THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.
382
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:23,467
>> THIS IS ONE OF MY WIFE'S.
383
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:28,597
CHECK IT OUT.
384
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,230
>> [LAUGHING].
385
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:35,733
>> OH.
386
00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:43,233
>> OH!
387
00:13:43,233 --> 00:13:46,073
>> BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MONTHLY
388
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:51,927
UNLIMITED PLAN NOW WITH
389
00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:56,067
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP].
390
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:56,427
FLESH-LIKE.
391
00:13:56,433 --> 00:13:56,773
[BLEEP].
392
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:57,367
YOU HAVE $60 YOU CAN GET
393
00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:59,327
YOURSELF THE BEST SEX TOY A MAN
394
00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:03,273
WITH EVER OWN FOR HIMSELF.
395
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:03,867
"PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL
396
00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:08,167
TREATMENT OF ANIMALS" TROLLS --
397
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:09,067
ESPECIALLY TROLLS SAY [BLEEP].
398
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,827
I WILL BE OPEN AND HONEST AND I
399
00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:13,833
DON'T HAVE A [BLEEP] ABOUT HOW
400
00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:15,873
TMI IT IS.
401
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:16,797
OKAY?
402
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:23,070
I HAD THE BITCHH.
403
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:24,667
HE WAS OVER THERE BY THE WINDOW
404
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:27,297
AND RAILING HER LIKE THERE IS NO
405
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:27,670
TOMORROW.
406
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:31,567
ALL RIGHT?
407
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:34,367
AND I [BLEEP] IN MY CONDOM AND
408
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:37,527
IT FELT WELFARE.
409
00:14:37,533 --> 00:14:40,603
IT WAS -- FELT WONDERFUL.
410
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:45,430
THE BITCH TURNED PSYCHOSEPTEMBER
411
00:14:45,433 --> 00:14:47,703
OF 2000.
412
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:48,400
EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHERE THEY
413
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,070
WERE SEPTEMBER OF 2000.
414
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:49,427
NEVER FORGET.
415
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:50,173
THIS VIDEO WAS MADE A FEW YEARS
416
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:50,897
AGO, SO I WANTED TO CHECK IN AND
417
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:51,630
SEE HOW HIS LOVE LIFE IS DOING.
418
00:14:51,633 --> 00:14:52,373
LIVE, VIA SKYPE, PLEASE WELCOME
419
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,697
SCOTT.
420
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,770
>> [APPLAUDING].
421
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:57,527
>> HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, DANIEL?
422
00:14:57,533 --> 00:14:58,203
NICE TO MEET YOU.
423
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:58,930
>> WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT PSYCHO
424
00:14:58,933 --> 00:14:59,633
BITCH YOU BANGED BACK IN 2000?
425
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:01,533
>> AH, GOOD QUESTION.
426
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:02,233
VERY GOOD QUESTION, MATTER OF
427
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:04,303
FACT.
428
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,730
WHAT HAPPENED IS, AFTER OUR
429
00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:07,433
RELATIONSHIP ENDED, SHE BECAME
430
00:15:07,433 --> 00:15:09,273
LESBIAN.
431
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:10,727
>> [LAUGHING].
432
00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:11,403
>> YOU POISONED HER ON MEN.
433
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:15,370
CONGRATS.
434
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:16,827
[LAUGHING].
435
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:20,073
>> ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE THAT BED
436
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:22,367
WHERE YOU RAIL THAT [BLEEP] 7
437
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:24,467
YEARS AGO.
438
00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:25,067
IT'S A DIFFERENT BED.
439
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:25,567
>> OH, YOU UPGRADED.
440
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:26,227
WHAT'D YOU GO, TEMPUR-PEDIC?
441
00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:26,733
>> YES, ACTUALLY.
442
00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:27,073
YES.
443
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:27,697
>> DID YOU GO WITH A QUEEN OR
444
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:28,070
KING?
445
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:28,327
>> TWIN.
446
00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:28,803
>> MINIMALIST.
447
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,100
I LIKE IT.
448
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,470
DO YOU STILL USE YOUR
449
00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:33,097
FLESHLIGHT?
450
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,230
>> ABSOLUTELY, I THINK EVERY MAN
451
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,973
SHOULD OWN ONE.
452
00:15:35,967 --> 00:15:36,697
>> WHAT ABOUT A MAN WHO ARE NOT
453
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:38,770
INTO VAGINAL INTERCOURSE?
454
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:39,827
>> THEY HAVE ANAL AND ORAL
455
00:15:39,833 --> 00:15:42,503
INSERTS FOR THOSE, AS WELL.
456
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:43,930
IT SIMULATES IF YOU WERE HAVING
457
00:15:43,933 --> 00:15:44,503
ANAL SEX WITH A WOMAN.
458
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,270
>> EWW.
459
00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:49,327
>> ALRIGHT.
460
00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:50,073
BESIDES THAT FLESHLIGHT, WHAT
461
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:52,067
OTHER HOBBIES DO YOU HAVE?
462
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:53,197
>> LET'S SEE.
463
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,170
THERE'S RETRO GAMING, BIKING,
464
00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:54,627
SWIMMING.
465
00:15:54,633 --> 00:15:57,703
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
466
00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,330
YOU'RE A SWIMMER?
467
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,703
>> I LOVE TO SWIM, YES.
468
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:02,500
THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
469
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,470
TO DO IN TERMS OF EXERCISE.
470
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:05,167
IT WORKS EVERY MUSCLE IN YOUR
471
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:12,727
BODY.
472
00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:16,303
>> EXCEPT OUR NECK.
473
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,270
[LAUGHING].
474
00:16:18,267 --> 00:16:18,927
>> ANYWAY, HOW HAS YOUR LOVE
475
00:16:18,933 --> 00:16:19,603
LIFE BEEN SINCE MAKING THAT
476
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:19,900
VIDEO?
477
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:21,630
ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW?
478
00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:22,373
>> A VERY DEVOTED ONE, AND I 'M
479
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:23,067
GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH.
480
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,067
ON MARCH 25TH.
481
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:24,697
>> NICE!
482
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,830
I MEAN, WHAT?
483
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:28,773
CAN WE MEET HER?
484
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:30,067
>> YOU SURE CAN.
485
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,467
HER NAME IS MICHELLE.
486
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:33,667
>> ALRIGHT, PLEASE WELCOME
487
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,497
SCOTT'S FIANCE, MICHELLE.
488
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,100
>> [APPLAUDING].
489
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:38,630
>> HI, HOW ARE YOU?
490
00:16:38,633 --> 00:16:39,303
>> AND BY FIANCE, YOU MEAN
491
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,900
SISTER.
492
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:44,370
[LAUGHING].
493
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:45,097
>> DID YOU NOT SEE THE VIDEO HE
494
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:45,500
POST ONLINE?
495
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,900
>> I THINK ORIGINALLY IT REALLY
496
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,830
DISTURBED ME, THE THREATS OF
497
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:50,573
VIOLENCE, THE SHUT UP, AND THAT
498
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:54,767
SORT OF THING.
499
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,697
BUT AFTER I GOT TO KNOW HIM IN
500
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:57,870
PERSON, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
501
00:16:57,867 --> 00:16:58,597
BETWEEN SCOTT OFFLINE AND SCOTT
502
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,100
ONLINE.
503
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,730
>> IS HE A GENEROUS LOVER?
504
00:17:02,733 --> 00:17:04,873
>> HE'S A GENEROUS EVERYTHING.
505
00:17:04,867 --> 00:17:08,127
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
506
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:08,873
OKAY, I ASSUME HE MADE YOU SIGN
507
00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:09,397
A PRE-NUP?
508
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,200
>> NO.
509
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,070
>> OH!
510
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:13,767
SO YOU MEAN HALF OF THAT TWIN
511
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:14,867
BED S GOING TO BE YOURS?
512
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:18,097
THEN IT MUST BE TRUE LOVE.
513
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:18,800
ALRIGHT YOU KIDS, HAVE A HAPPY
514
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:19,270
VALENTINE'S DAY.
515
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:20,067
IT WAS NICE TO MEET BOTH OF YOU.
516
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:20,727
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
517
00:17:20,733 --> 00:17:21,473
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME DANIEL.
518
00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:21,967
I APPRECIATE IT.
519
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:22,767
>> NO PROBLEM.
520
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,467
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
521
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:25,197
AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE
522
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,070
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
523
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:27,767
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
524
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:30,727
FROM TV VAULT.
525
00:17:30,733 --> 00:17:32,533
>> * *
526
00:17:32,533 --> 00:17:39,233
>> UNFORCE -- FORCED TRAUMA TO
527
00:17:39,233 --> 00:17:40,373
THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
528
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,227
>> IS THAT BLOOD OR BARBECUE
529
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:45,733
SAUCE?
530
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:48,203
>> [THUMPING].
531
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,200
>> * *
532
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,070
>> IT'S BLOOD.
533
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:54,967
[LAUGHING].
534
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:57,967
>> WHAT ABOUT THIS HERE?
535
00:17:57,967 --> 00:18:00,227
DID YOU SUPPOSE THAT'S BLOOD OR
536
00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:02,173
IS IT BARBECUE SAUCE?
537
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:10,767
>> * *
538
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:13,227
>> THAT IS ALSO BLOOD.
539
00:18:13,233 --> 00:18:14,533
>> LATER THAT NIGHT, THEY HAD A
540
00:18:14,533 --> 00:18:15,203
CASE INVOLVING HELLMAN'S OR
541
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,500
SEMEN.
542
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:22,170
THAT IS ALSO SEMEN.
543
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:22,927
>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
544
00:18:22,933 --> 00:18:23,473
DRAWN TOGETHER.
545
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:33,130
>>[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
546
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,503
>> * *
547
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:35,830
WELCOME BACK.
548
00:18:35,833 --> 00:18:37,173
STILL A LITTLE SORE, BECAUSE
549
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:39,167
LAST WEEK I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
550
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:39,867
A GOOD IDEA TO ROLL A BOWLING
551
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:41,427
BALL INTO MY CROTCH.
552
00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:44,473
[LAUGHING].
553
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:49,367
>> WHOA!
554
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:50,597
>> EVEN PEOPLE THAT WORK ON THIS
555
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:51,330
SHOW THOUGHT THE BIT WAS FAKE.
556
00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:51,703
REALLY?
557
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:53,230
YOU THINK IT'S FAKE?
558
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,403
WELL THEN MAYBE, YOU CAN EXPLAIN
559
00:18:54,400 --> 00:19:00,330
THIS.
560
00:19:00,333 --> 00:19:01,503
OH!
561
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,530
>> [LAUGHING].
562
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:05,573
>> YEAH.
563
00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:06,297
YEAH, I PROBABLY SHOULD GET THAT
564
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,830
CHECKED OUT.
565
00:19:08,833 --> 00:19:10,433
[LAUGHING].
566
00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:11,133
>> TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN THE
567
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:11,903
CRYING WRESTLING FAN GETS A WEB
568
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,830
REDEMPTION.
569
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:16,373
>> I WANT TO THANK EACH AND EVER
570
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:17,797
ONE OF YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE
571
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,600
TO YOUR BODIES.
572
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,070
[CRYING].
573
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:25,127
>> DAMN IT.
574
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:25,933
>> [LAUGHING].
575
00:19:25,933 --> 00:19:27,873
>> A
576
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:28,527
DOES ANYONE IN THE SOUTH GET
577
00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:32,273
THAT WRESTLING IS FAKE?
578
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:38,227
YOU [BLEEP] RACISTS.
579
00:19:38,233 --> 00:19:38,973
MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO SEE MY
580
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:39,597
NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL HAPPY
581
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,300
THOUGHTS, PREMIERING ON THE CC
582
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:40,670
MARCH 6TH.
583
00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:41,397
BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
584
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,100
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE
585
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:46,670
SHOWS.
586
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,397
AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG
587
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,130
OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
588
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:48,803
USUAL, THE MOST INTERESTING
589
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:49,370
THING WAS COMMERCIALS.
590
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:50,067
I'M JUST GLAD THIS CAMPAIGN'S
591
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,967
FINALLY OVER.
592
00:19:51,967 --> 00:19:55,297
>> MEET THE NEVER MISS THE SUPER
593
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,970
BOWL CLUB THACH HAVE BEEN TO THE
594
00:19:57,967 --> 00:20:00,467
LAST GAME FOR EVERY 44 YEARS.
595
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:01,067
>> AWE.
596
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,227
THAT'S SO TOUCHING THAT FOUR
597
00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:03,503
RICH WHITE GUYS GET TO GO TO THE
598
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,230
SUPER BOWL FOR FORTY FOUR YEARS.
599
00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:04,933
MY FAVORITE COMMERCIAL DIDN'T
600
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:05,303
EVEN AIR.
601
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:05,970
IT'S THE ONE I MADE FOR THE
602
00:20:05,967 --> 00:20:08,427
DISCOVER CARD.
603
00:20:08,433 --> 00:20:12,003
>> MEET THE NEVER MISS WNBA
604
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,530
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS.
605
00:20:15,533 --> 00:20:18,133
ME AND MY 3 BEST FRIENDS HAVE
606
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,533
BEEN TO EVERY WNBA CONFERENCE
607
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:23,503
FINALS SINCE THE LEAGUE WAS
608
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:23,870
STARTED.
609
00:20:23,867 --> 00:20:25,667
WE HAD AND ONE DAY WE WERE
610
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:26,797
ALLOWED AT DISNEY WORLD.
611
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,070
IT'S WORTH IT.
612
00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:33,297
WE REFUSE TO MISS EVEN ONE NBA
613
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,570
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS.
614
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,027
I LOVE THE STADIUM AT TIP OFF.
615
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:38,603
THEY ASKED MARGE TO SUBIN.
616
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,330
15 IS MY MAGIC NUMBER.
617
00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:43,533
I WANT TO SEE 15 WNBA EASTERN
618
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:44,773
CONFERENCE FINALS OR AS MANY AS
619
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:48,167
I CAN UNTIL THE LEAGUE FOLDS.
620
00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:50,197
THANKS DISCOVER CARD.
621
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,670
>> USE YOUR DISCOVER CARD AND
622
00:20:51,667 --> 00:21:02,967
WIN A TRIP TO MARTINA MARTINA
623
00:21:02,967 --> 00:21:03,897
NAVRATILOVA TOWN.
624
00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:04,600
I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH THOSE
625
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,070
GUYS.
626
00:21:05,067 --> 00:21:06,067
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE WHO
627
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:06,627
WILL GET THE FINAL ROSE.
628
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:08,403
GOODNIGHT.
629
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,970
>> * *
630
00:21:09,967 --> 00:21:11,397
>> * *
631
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:19,170
>> [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
632
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,270
>> WHAT IS THE FOCUS OF IT.
633
00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:23,597
IT'S ALL ABOUT CHANGE.
634
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,870
DON'T SIT OUT THERE AND DREAM.
635
00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:28,897
THIS MY LIFE COULD HAPPEN.
636
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:30,200
FOR YOU BECAUSE IT CAN'T.
637
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,730
I HAVE A GIFT FROM GOD.
638
00:21:33,733 --> 00:21:35,833
AND I AM EXTREMELY LUCKY ON TOP
639
00:21:35,833 --> 00:21:36,203
OF IT.
640
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:41,070
THERE IS A COMBINATION OF FROM
641
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:41,527
GOD.
642
00:21:41,533 --> 00:21:41,873
>> YEAH.
38967
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