Original subtitles

>> TOSH.0 FEATURES VIDEO FROM

THE INTERNET AND IS FOR MATURE

AUDIENCES.

ENJOY!

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> THAT BALL RETURN IS

DANGEROUS.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

IF I'M IN YOUR TOP-FIVE

CELEBRITY SEX LIST, AND YOU GET

IT NOTARIZED, I WILL BANG YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW THE NATIONAL

ANTHEM GIRL GETS A WEB

REDEMPTION.

WE PLAY "IS IT RACIST?"

AND I TELL YOU WHO IS GOING TO

WIN THE SUPER BOWL.

THE HEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE IF HE CAN

PICK UP THE SPLIT.

NICE SPORTS BRA.

HOW DO YOU SCORE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

SO THIS IS WHAT CHUBBY PEOPLE DO

WHILE WE'RE OUT ON DATES WITH

WOMEN.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY WOULD

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE ROLLED A BALL OFF

DRESTRUKA?

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

STILL A LITTLE SORE.

HEY DANE, I FOUND THE PERFECT

GIRL FOR YOU.

>> GOOD JOB.

LET'S KEEP MOVING.

WE'RE GOING TO LUNGE TO THE SIDE

FOR ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ONE, SQUEEZE YOUR ABS.

>> A CACKLE A DAY KEEPS THE

CANKLES AWAY.

AS OPPOSED TO CURVES, WHERE

EVERY WOMAN IS CRYING.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY SNL FANS ARE SO FAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL I WANT IN

A GIRLFRIEND.

LAUGH AND SQUAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE WAS NO LAUGHING ON KIANA'S

FLEX APPEAL.

HMM.

SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE GRIND.

[LAUGHTER]

OUR PIC OF THE WEEK HAS BEEN

PRETTY POPULAR, BUT I'M HAVING

TROUBLE FIGURING OUT WHAT IT IS.

ANY IDEAS?

[LAUGHTER]

IT MIGHT BE THE FIRST UN-BLURRED

VAGINA EVER SHOWN ON COMEDY

CENTRAL.

ENHANCE.

NO.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A VAG-THIGH-NA.

A THATCH.

THAT'S A THIGH SNATCH.

OR A THUNT.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK YOU CAN FIGURE THAT ONE

OUT.

IT'S LIKE HER POON LIVES IN A

GATED COMMUNITY.

[LAUGHTER]

HER COOTER HAS A COOTER.

HOW MANY OF THESE JOKES DO YOU

HAVE?

MAYBE HER LEG MEAT GOT HUNGRY

AND ATE HER UNDERWEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE DO NOT SHOW ME WHAT IS

BEHIND CURTAIN NUMBER ONE.

PARDON ME, MA'AM, I CAN SEE YOUR

THIGH PIE.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT, ONE MORE.

IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR UP TO IT,

YOU CAN HEAR THE OCEAN, AND IT

REEKS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUS STATIONS ARE RELAXING.

TRUST FALL!

I KNOW IT'S FOREIGN BECAUSE OF

HIS SOCKS AND BECAUSE SOMEONE

HELPS HIM.

LEAVE HIM.

HE'LL STAND BACK UP WHEN THE

DOOR CLOSES.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I TAKE LIMOS

EVERYWHERE.

THIS IS HOW THE MOVIE INCEPTION

ENDED.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT MUST BE HIS KICK.

IT'S ONLY GOING TO TAKE THREE

HOURS FOR HIM TO HIT THE GROUND.

ALRIGHT.

NOW, SHOW ME A HEAD-ON

COLLISION.

TO BE FAIR, THE SIGN DIDN'T SAY

NOT TO DO THAT.

SIGN OR NOT, I DON'T THINK HE

WAS GOING TO WADDLE MUCH

FURTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DID BURN A FEW CALORIES ON

THE APPROACH.

SHOULD HAVE JUST EATEN IT.

HE IS FAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU RARELY GET TO SEE A

BESTIALITY FIRST DATE.

AND NOW I HAVE TO GET A BIRD FLU

SHOT.

THANKS, ASIA.

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE GERMS.

TRY THAT [BLEEP] WITH A HAWK,

PUSSY.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING TELLS ME WHEN THE

CAMERA'S NOT ROLLING, HE PUTS A

COUPLE WORMS IN HIS B-HOLE.

THAT'S TOO FAR FOR HIM.

OKAY.

ACTUALLY, HE'S JUST BEING A GOOD

HOST.

I DO THE SAME THING AT MY SUPER

BOWL PARTIES.

THERE'S ALWAYS A BIG FIGHT OVER

WHO GETS TO LICK THE BOWL CLEAN.

THE ONLY THING MORE ANNOYING

THAN A GUY WHO QUOTES LINES FROM

COMEDY MOVIES, IS A GUY WHO

RECREATES ENTIRE SCENES FROM

THEM.

HE DID HAVE NEXT.

LET'S TAKE AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT

THE 100TH NAKED MAN TO APPEAR ON

TOSH.0 IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

JUST ANOTHER QUIET NIGHT AT DEL

BOCA VISTA, PHASE 2.

THAT IS, UNTIL TODD WATCHED "OLD

SCHOOL" FOR THE 50TH TIME AND

DECIDED TO GO STREAKING, THE

MOST ACCEPTABLE WAY TO SHOW YOUR

WIENER TO STRANGERS.

YOU NEVER SEE BLACK GUYS DOING

IT.

PROBABLY BECAUSE STREAKING IS

SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, AND

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT A

BLACK MAN RUNNING NAKED TOWARDS

YOU WITH HIS GIANT SHLONG

BOUNCING AROUND.

IT'S ALWAYS EITHER SCARY OR

EROTIC.

BUT USUALLY SCARY.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, THIS PARTICULAR PERVERT IS A

LITTLE MODEST, SO HE GOES WITH

THE ONE-HAND SACK BASKET.

MAYBE HE'S WORRIED ABOUT

DICKLASH.

OOH.

NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE.

EVER SINCE MONICA SELES GOT

SHANKED, COURTS HAVE BEEN

PUTTING UP INVISIBLE FORCE

FIELDS.

LUCKILY IT DIDN'T BREAK.

THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN

HAVING TO PICK OUT SHARDS OF

GLASS FROM YOUR SCROTUM.

I SHOULD KNOW, I WAS IN A LITTLE

WEB SHORT CALLED "ONE GUY, ONE

JAR."

DO WE HAVE THAT VIDEO?

I'M TOLD WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO

PLAY THAT.

LISTEN TO HIS BUDDY LAUGH.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO CHECK HIM FOR

TUBERCULOSIS IMMEDIATELY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN LIKE A DRUNK, NAKED

BATMAN, THE STREAKER DISAPPEARS

INTO THE NIGHT, LEAVING ONLY A

GREASY MEDIUM-SIZED DONG PRINT

BEHIND, AND FOR THAT WE THANK

YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

NATIONAL ANTHEM GIRL'S WEB

REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST HERE'S ONE

TOUGH JEW.

* WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAIL *

* AT THE STARS LAST --

[LAUGHTER]

* LAST -- STARS LAST GLEAMING *

* AND THE ROCKETS RED GLARE *

* AND THE -- BURSTING IN AIR *

* GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE

NIGHT *

* THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL

THERE *

>> WAS THAT NICK THE QUICK?

THAT'S NATALIE GILBERT AND SHE

HATES AMERICA.

ONLY A TERRORIST WOULD BUTCHER

THE GREATEST ONEHIT-WONDER OF

ALL TIME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY AT EVERY

SPORTING EVENT, WE NEED TO BE

REMINDED THAT 200 YEARS AGO AN

AWFUL SONG WAS WRITTEN.

HEY, FRANCIS SCOTT KEY, YOU'RE

NO WILL.I.AM.

SO WHY DON'T WE GET RID OF THE

>> AND WHAT'S WITH THE RULES?

FACE THE FLAG, DON'T LET IT

TOUCH THE GROUND, TAKE OFF YOUR

HAT, COVER YOUR HEARTS.

ARE WE SINGING A SONG OR JOINING

A CULT?

LET'S SEE SOME TOMAHAWK DUNKS

ALREADY.

BOOM SHAKALAKA.

AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE

ME PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN,

YOU'LL SWAP OUT THAT OLD-ASS

UNCLE SAM FOR A YOUNG, SLUTTY

AUNT SAMANTHA ENHANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT IF AMERICANS ARE FAT AND

LAZY?

IF YOUR TERRIBLE COUNTRY'S FOOD

DIDN'T TASTE LIKE DONG, YOU'D

EAT A LOT MORE TOO.

[LAUGHTER]

SURE, THIS COUNTRY ISN'T

PERFECT; OUR CHEESE IS AWFUL,

THE "AMERICAN DREAM" IS

SOMETHING ONLY FOREIGNERS

BELIEVE IN, AND THE MOVIE "THE

AMERICAN" SCORED A 38% ON THE

TOMATO-METER.

THE US OF A IS STILL THE

GREATEST COUNTRY EVER STOLEN.

WE TOOK IT FROM THE INDIANS,

FORCED THE CHINESE TO BUILD IT,

AND THEN MADE THE BLACKS

MAINTAIN IT.

FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT VERY

COMFORTABLE SAYING "THE BLACKS."

REAL PATRIOTISM MEANS

UNDERSTANDING THAT AMERICA

SUCKS, BUT EVERY PLACE ELSE IS

ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE.

WE MAY CATCH A LOT OF FLAK FROM

OTHER COUNTRIES, BUT WHEN YOU'VE

BEEN KICKING ASS AND TAKING

NAMES SINCE 1776, HATERS GONNA

HATE.

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER, IF CANADA WERE REALLY

THAT GREAT, IT WOULD BE A STATE.

UNFORTUNATELY, NATALIE'S BOMBS

BURST IN AIR AT THE WORST

POSSIBLE TIME.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HER TO

HOLLYWOOD AND MADE HER PLEDGE

ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED STATES

OF TOSH IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

[APPLAUSE]

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> HEY.

>> I'M JUST TAKING MY FLAG DOWN.

WOULD YOU HELP ME FOLD IT?

>> SURE.

>> NIGHT, TIGHT, EVEN.

YOU TAKE YOUR TIME.

YOU DON'T GO FAST.

YOU RUSH, YOU MAKE MISTAKES.

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW THIS.

>> FLAG IS NOT VERY --

>> YES, IT'S THE FLAG'S FAULT.

FOLD IT IN HALF.

>> LIKE THIS?

>> YES.

AND DO CORNER TO CORNER.

PERFECT!

HAS ANYBODY EVER TOLD YOU YOU

LOOK LIKE JODY FOSTER FROM "TAXI

DRIVER?"

HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT NATIONAL

ANTHEM?

>> 13.

LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO.

>> WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY?

>> I WAS VERY SICK.

I WAS SICK FOR LIKE WEEKS.

MY PARENTS, THEY TOLD ME, YOU

CAN STAY HOME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

THE WORDS WENT OUT THE DOOR AND

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

LUCKILY THE COACH WALKED OVER

AND HELPED ME FINISH THE SONG.

>> I'D LIKE TO GO ON RECORD

SAYING I THOUGHT MO CHEEKS WAS A

[BLEEP].

I THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO STEAL

THE SPOT LIGHT FROM YOU.

WHAT WAS YOUR GAME PLAN HAD HE

NOT COME OUT?

>> PROBABLY JUST GOING TO START

OVER.

>> START OVER?

>> YEAH.

>> OH, TORCHER THE PEOPLE

LONGER?

>> YEAH.

>> DO MO CHEEKS STILL CALL YOU?

>> NO.

BUT I'VE SEEN HIM OVER THE

YEARS.

>> ARE YOU GUYS DATE SOMETHING.

>> NO.

>> DID YOU EVER HAVE A CRUSH ON

HIM LIKE A CHILD?

>> HE'S MORE LIKE A FATHER

FIGURE.

>> A BLACK FATHER.

DID THEY WIN THAT GAME THAT

NIGHT?

>> NO.

>> WHO WERE THEY PLAYING?

>> THE MAVERICKS.

>> THE DALLAS MAVERICKS.

>> DIRK NOWITZKI.

>> HE GAVE ME A HIGH FIVE.

>> AFTER MESSING THAT UP?

>> YEAH.

HE'S A GERMAN.

HE'S A NAZI.

DID YOU STAY TO WATCH THE GAME

THAT NIGHT?

>> NO.

>> YOU ARE A [BLEEP].

>> I WENT RIGHT HOME.

>> DID YOU THINK YOUR MUSIC

CAREER WAS OVER?

>> I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER

PERFORM AGAIN.

>> YOU HAVE PERFORMED SINCE

THEN?

>> MULTIPLE TIMES.

>> I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO KNOWN

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SANG.

WE'LL SAY YOU NEVER SANG AGAIN.

>> OKAY.

>> THE PROBLEM IS YOU CAN SING.

THE PROBLEM IS YOU FORGOT THE

WORDS.

I THOUGHT THE PERFECT WARMUP

WOULD HAVE YOU SING AT MY

REGULAR TUESDAY NIGHT GAME.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO "MY GARAGE."

FOR TOSH'S TUESDAY FIGHT NIGHTS

AT 10:00.

TONIGHT, WE HAVE OUR GUEST

SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF

MEXICO.

PLEASE WELCOME NATALIE GILBERT.

>> I DON'T KNOW THE MEXICAN

NATIONAL ANTHEM.

>> I'LL HELP YOU.

>> OUTSIDE, INSIDE, OUT.

LIVING LA VIDA LOCA.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

LET THE COCKFIGHT BEGIN!

>> ALL RIGHT.

NATALIE, I REALLY CARRIED YOU AT

THE COCKFIGHT.

THIS IS LESS PRESSURE, AN NHL

HOCKEY GAME.

READY FOR ANOTHER SHOT?

>> I AM.

>> DON'T WORRY.

I'LL BE CLOSE BY.

WHAT IS YOUR NUMBER?

>> 10.

>> MINUTE IS.0.

GET IT?

* AT THE STARS LAST -- STARS --

>> WOULD YOU PLEASE JOIN NATALIE

GILBERT FOR THE SINGING OF OUR

NATIONAL ANTHEM?

* OKAY CAN YOU SEE *

* BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT *

* WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAIL *

* AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST

GLEAMING *

* WHOSE BROUGHT STRIPES AND

BRIGHT STARS *

* THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHT *

* FOR THE RAMPARTS WE WATCH,

WERE SO GALLANTLY STREAMING *

* AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE *

* THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR *

* GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE

NIGHT *

* THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL

THERE *

* OH SAY DOES THAT STAR

SPANGLED BANNER YET WAVE *

* OER THE LAND OF THE FREE *

* AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE *

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU, NATALIE.

AND THANK YOU, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

>> GO DUCKS!

>> I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE FROM

THE ANAHEIM DUCKS ORGANIZATION

AND ESPECIALLY THEIR HEAD COACH

EMILIO ESTEVEZ.

[LAUGHTER]

QUACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M

MAKING A SANDWICH.

>> FIRST WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS

SPREAD THE MAYONNAISE OVER THE

TOAST.

>> WE CAN MAKE IT LOOK EASY TO

MAKE THAT DIFFICULT CUT.

>> [BLEEP] YEA!

YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT PORK

SWORD WILL POP A BALLOON?

AMAZING.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE OF THE GREAT PARTS OF HAVING

A SHOW IS WHEN I SEE A VIDEO

THAT AWESOME, I JUST SCREAM,

"GET ME THAT DAMN SWORD," AND

THREE DAYS LATER THIS HAPPENS.

>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

>> BECAUSE APPARENTLY GOD HATES

YOU.

>> DANIEL!

OH!

>> WHAT?

>> I'M JOKING.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D ACTUALLY

PUT YOUR SON IN THERE.

>> OH, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

OH, MAN.

I KILLED MY KID.

>> GOD.

SUCH A PRANKSTER.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SWORDS WERE

NOT MEANT FOR CHOPPING WOOD.

YEA.

I ALMOST KILLED TWO OF OUR

CAMERAMEN WHEN THE HANDLE BROKE.

>> GAME OVER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW

UNLUCKY HE WAS.

IF THAT SWORD WOULD HAVE HIT

HIM, HE WOULD HAVE MADE SO MUCH

MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

IN HONOR OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "IS IT

RACIST?"

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YES.

IT'S WHERE WE PLAY YOU A VIDEO

AND HAVE AN INFORMED DISCUSSION

ON WHETHER THE CONTENTS IN SAID

VIDEO COULD BE CONSTRUED AS

RACIST.

THIS WEEK'S VIDEO IS A

COMMERCIAL FROM JAX BARGAIN

PLYWOOD.

**

CAN I HEAR THAT FIRST PART ONE

MORE TIME?

**

YES IT'S RACIST, AND I'LL TELL

YOU WHY.

THEY SHOULD HAVE CAST SOMEONE

WHO COULD SAY THE WORD "NICKEL"

WITHOUT MAKING IT SOUND LIKE THE

N-WORD.

ALSO, I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT

15 CENTS IS NOT THAT MUCH OF A

SAVINGS.

SO SHAME ON YOU, JAX BARGAIN

PLYWOOD.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY "IS IT

RACIST?"

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM THE COOK FAMILY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> OH, BENJAMIN.

I MAY LOOK LIKE SPIDERMAN BUT

I'M REALLY --

>> THEY SHOULD HAVE INCREASED

THEIR BUDGET $5 MORE AND I'M

SURE KIRSTEN DUNST WOULD HAVE

BEEN IN IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

STRAIGHT PLAN FOR THE GAY MAN.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME BACK, MY NICKELS.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT WEEK I TANGO WITH THE

EVOLUTION OF DANCE GUY.

MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO SEE MY

NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL HAPPY

THOUGHTS, PREMIERING ON THE C.C.

MARCH 6TH.

BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE

SHOWS.

AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG

OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

FINALLY, THE SUPER BOWL IS

COMING UP ON SUNDAY, PACKERS

VERSUS STEELERS.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE A HIGHLY

ADVANCED, STATE-OF-THE-ART

COMPUTER THAT CAN PREDICT THE

OUTCOME OF SUPER BOWL 45 WITH

100% ACCURACY.

SO TURN THE CHANNEL RIGHT NOW IF

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO WINS.

ALRIGHT.

DALLAS STADIUM LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

THE PACKERS WENT UP EARLY AND

OFTEN, HERE'S DON MAKOWSKI

THROWING TO STERLING SHARPE FOR

ONE OF THEIR SIX TOUCHDOWNS.

THE HALFTIME SHOW WITH THE BLACK

EYED PEAS WENT OFF WITHOUT A

HITCH.

DID FERGIE GET SOME WORK DONE?

SHE LOOKS AMAZING.

AND THE ROUTE CONTINUED IN THE

SECOND HALF.

BUBBY BRISTER THREW THREE

INTERCEPTIONS, AND THEN KEITH

WOODSIDE ZIGZAGGED PAST GREG

LLOYD FOR ANOTHER SCORE.

HAS TO BE THE GREATEST RUN IN

SUPER BOWL HISTORY.

SORRY, STEELER FANS, I CAN NOW

GUARANTEE THAT THE PACKERS WILL

WIN 49-6.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE

BEST THING ABOUT THIS YEAR'S

SUPER BOWL IS THAT THE JETS

AREN'T IN IT.

THE JETS ARE A LOT LIKE THE

YANKEES, EVERYONE HATES THEM,

ONLY THEY DON'T HAVE GOOD

PLAYERS, A WINNING TRADITION OR

A COACH WHO DOESN'T BEAT OFF

EVERY TIME A PLAYER GETS THEIR

ANKLE TAPED.

WE'LL TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT

TIME.

GOOD NIGHT CANADA, AND TONY.