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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:26,303 - [bleep]! 2 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:28,933 [laughter] 3 00:00:28,967 --> 00:00:36,967 [cheers and applause] 4 00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:45,733 - HE ACTUALLY GOES IN THE RECYCLING. 5 00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:48,697 WELCOME TO TOSH.0, YOUR SPORTS DOME LEAD-IN. 6 00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:52,273 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE SCRAPE THIS GUY OFF THE STREET 7 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:53,630 FOR A WEB REDEMPTION, 8 00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:56,967 I TAKE THE GAY PORN VIAGRA BONER CHALLENGE, 9 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,230 AND I LET YOU KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL 10 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,297 ABOUT A CERTAIN LATE NIGHT HOST. 11 00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:04,673 ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE OUT THE WHITE TRASH AGAIN. 12 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:06,770 - [bleep]! 13 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:07,770 [audience ohs] 14 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,100 YOU LOST YOUR HAT. 15 00:01:09,133 --> 00:01:10,103 [laughter] 16 00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:11,133 THE GARBAGE MEN WON'T PICK IT UP 17 00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:13,097 UNLESS IT'S IN THE BIN. 18 00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:15,873 AT LEAST IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. 19 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:17,770 THEN AGAIN, MY NEIGHBORHOOD LOOKS A LOT BETTER 20 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,770 THAN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD. 21 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,730 [laughter] 22 00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:24,927 EVERY DAY IS TRASH DAY WHEN YOU LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA. 23 00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:26,897 - [bleep]! YOU ALL RIGHT? 24 00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:31,433 - "YEAH. NO, I'M FINE. 25 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:32,797 "I ACTUALLY SAW A CHIROPRACTOR, 26 00:01:32,833 --> 00:01:35,203 "AND HE SAID THIS IS REALLY GOOD FOR ME. 27 00:01:35,233 --> 00:01:37,403 THEN AGAIN, THEY'RE NOT REAL DOCTORS." 28 00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:39,603 [laughter] 29 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:43,073 NOW HERE'S WHY YOU ALWAYS WANT TO CALL "SHOTGUN" EARLY. 30 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,070 [laughter] 31 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:55,297 THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF THAT ROTTEN OLD PERSON SMELL. 32 00:01:55,333 --> 00:02:00,073 IT'S NICE TO SEE THE LIGHTER SIDE OF SENIOR ABUSE. 33 00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,127 IT'S A GREAT PARADE. 34 00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,327 MY FAVORITE FLOAT WAS THE NAPPING PEE-PAH. 35 00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:04,627 HE DIDN'T THROW ANY CANDY. 36 00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:07,397 HE JUST YELLED RACIAL SLURS AT EVERYBODY. 37 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,333 [laughter] 38 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:10,667 HEY, EASY BUDDY. 39 00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:11,670 I WAS JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU, 40 00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,400 YOU HAVE A GRANDPA ON YOUR ROOF. 41 00:02:14,433 --> 00:02:18,533 YOU LEFT A GRANDPA ON YOUR ROOF! 42 00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:21,467 SEEING THAT MADE ME WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY GRANDPA. 43 00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:30,327 [laughter] 44 00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:31,667 MY GRANDPA'S DEAD. 45 00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,270 [laughter] 46 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:35,470 HERE'S A GREAT WAY TO START YOUR MORNING. 47 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,903 LARRY KING IS REALLY GOING TO TOWN ON THAT JUICE BOX. 48 00:02:40,933 --> 00:02:42,833 [laughter] 49 00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:45,827 HOW'D HE GET THE STRAW IN? 50 00:02:45,867 --> 00:02:47,927 HE BETTER NOT LIZARD LIP IT. 51 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:51,897 [laughter] 52 00:02:51,933 --> 00:02:53,803 THAT LIZARD IS GOING TO LOSE HIS MIND 53 00:02:53,833 --> 00:02:56,703 WHEN HE FINDS OUT ABOUT CAPRI SUN. 54 00:02:56,733 --> 00:02:59,903 HE MUST BE PARCHED FROM SELLING ALL THAT INSURANCE! 55 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:03,167 [laughter] 56 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,770 HEY, LIZARD, HOW COME EVERY TIME I COME IN THE KITCHEN, 57 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,800 YOU'RE IN THE KITCHEN? 58 00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:13,133 IN THE GODDAMN REFRIGERATOR, EATIN' ALL THE COLLARD GREENS 59 00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:15,067 AND THE ORANGE DRINK? 60 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:18,170 [laughter] 61 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,330 AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. 62 00:03:22,967 --> 00:03:29,267 [laughter] 63 00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:41,127 [laughter] 64 00:03:41,167 --> 00:03:44,367 WHY IS EVERYONE FLIPPING US OFF TODAY? 65 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,830 WHY DON'T GUYS LIKE THIS EVER WEAR SHIRTS? 66 00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:51,527 DID HE ESCAPE A FIRE OR DID HE JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN? 67 00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:55,967 WHY AREN'T THE FIREFIGHTERS FIGHTING THAT FIRE? 68 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:58,397 HOW SOON CAN WE NARROW THE LIST OF ARSON SUSPECTS 69 00:03:58,433 --> 00:03:59,903 DOWN TO JUST THAT GUY? 70 00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,467 [laughter] 71 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,170 I WONDER WHAT HIS DEDUCTABLE IS? 72 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,430 WHAT IS HE USING ON HIS HAIR? 73 00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:09,667 NO FURTHER QUESTIONS. 74 00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:12,830 AFTER LAUGHING AT THAT GUY, YOU ALL NEED TO GO TO CHURCH. 75 00:04:12,867 --> 00:04:13,827 [music playing] 76 00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:15,097 * 77 00:04:15,133 --> 00:04:18,673 [laughter] 78 00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:21,530 THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS HUGGING HER LIKE A DIAPER. 79 00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,127 LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK 80 00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:24,967 AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST. 81 00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:27,367 HALLELUJAH! 82 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,800 THEY BETTER PUT THE BLOOD OF CHRIST IN A SIPPEE CUP. 83 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:31,303 [laughter] 84 00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:32,873 HOW MUCH YOU WANNA BET WHEN SHE TURNS 18, 85 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,430 SHE'LL BE DANCING AT SPEARMINT RHINO? 86 00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:35,767 [laughter] 87 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,670 LOOK AT ALL THOSE EMPTY SEATS. 88 00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:40,070 ARE THEY AT WORSHIP OR A SCREENING OF THE GREEN HORNET? 89 00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:42,597 [laughter] 90 00:04:42,633 --> 00:04:45,303 EVER SINCE SHE SAW THE VIRGIN MARY IN HER APPLESAUCE, 91 00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:46,933 SHE'S BEEN SUPER RELIGIOUS. 92 00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:48,767 [laughter] 93 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,230 LOOKS LIKE HIRING THE WIGGLES AS THE PRAISE BAND 94 00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:52,667 IS REALLY PAYING OFF. 95 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:54,270 [laughter] 96 00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:55,800 GUESS WHAT, SHE'D DO THE SAME THING 97 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,573 IF HE SANG FROM THE KORAN. 98 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,270 [audience ohs] 99 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,270 I WONDER WHO WAS DELIVERING THAT SERMON. 100 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:06,670 - [babbling] 101 00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:08,500 [cheers and applause] 102 00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:11,473 - DON'T GET HIM STARTED ON THE JEWS. 103 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,330 [laughter] 104 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:20,467 - [babbling] 105 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,630 - HOW YOUNG IS THE KID HE'S GOING TO MOLEST? 106 00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:24,927 [laughter] 107 00:05:24,967 --> 00:05:32,167 HEY. A SPERM? ALL RIGHT. 108 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,830 WHEN HAS POKING ANYTHING WITH A STICK EVER WORKED OUT? 109 00:05:38,633 --> 00:05:39,773 - OOPS. 110 00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:44,633 [audience ohs] 111 00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:47,497 [laughter] 112 00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:50,603 - THE GUY IN THE WINDOW DOESN'T SEEM AS DELIGHTED 113 00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:53,073 BY HIS HOUSE BEING DESTROYED. 114 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,067 OR YOU WAIT FOR IT TO MELT. 115 00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:58,797 NOW GET DOWN HERE AND SHOVEL YOUR DRIVEWAY. 116 00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,233 DEX DIED THE SAME WAY IN ASPEN EXTREME 117 00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:04,597 BEFORE THE BIG FIGURE EIGHT COMPETITION. 118 00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:06,633 NOBODY WATCHED THAT? NAH. 119 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,267 WHAT'S NEXT? 120 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:09,270 [music playing] 121 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:16,230 * 122 00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:21,167 [laughter] 123 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,770 I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAGE DIVE 124 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,430 FROM THE FRONT OF THE STAGE. 125 00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:28,527 CUM NAH, LET'S GET IRIE AND FIND OUT 126 00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:31,127 WHAT'S GWAN ON WIT DA BOMBACLOT IN DIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 127 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,627 [cheers and applause] 128 00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:37,267 A JAMAICAN DANCEHALL CONTEST IN BALTIMORE 129 00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:39,930 IS OFFICIALLY THE BLACKEST PLACE ON EARTH. 130 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,797 THE ONLY CAUCASIANS WHO LIVE HERE 131 00:06:41,833 --> 00:06:44,673 ARE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS OF THE WIRE. 132 00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:48,400 IS THAT A ZODIAC PRODUCTION? EW. 133 00:06:48,433 --> 00:06:50,273 WELL, THEN I ASSUME WE'LL BE TREATED 134 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:52,830 TO A GRACEFUL CELEBRATION OF HUMAN MOVEMENT. 135 00:06:52,867 --> 00:06:56,427 OR MAYBE TAMIKA IS JUST GONNA SHAKE HER ASS. 136 00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:57,897 THAT'S CALLED THE DUTTY WINE. 137 00:06:57,933 --> 00:06:59,373 I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S A DANCE 138 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,400 OR IF SHE'S HAVING A VIOLENT SEIZURE. 139 00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:04,073 OH, WHIP THAT MULLET, GIRL! 140 00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,227 SHE IS REALLY TWERKIN' IT UP THERE. 141 00:07:06,267 --> 00:07:07,697 THIS IS THE REASON WHITE PEOPLE 142 00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:11,373 ARE AFRAID TO LEAVE THE SANDALS RESORT IN JAMAICA. 143 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,170 TAMIKA DECIDES TO DEBUT HER NEW MOVE, THE PISSING DOG. 144 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,500 [laughter] 145 00:07:16,533 --> 00:07:19,833 PUT DOWN A PUPPY PAD BEFORE SHE MAKES A MESS. 146 00:07:19,867 --> 00:07:21,897 ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME FOR THE FINALE. 147 00:07:21,933 --> 00:07:23,973 * 148 00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:24,967 [audience ohs] 149 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,327 NO WOMAN, NO CRY. 150 00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:29,797 I THINK SHE MAY HAVE HAD ONE TOO MANY RED STRIPES. 151 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:34,403 HOORAY! 152 00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:37,503 THANK ZION FOR THE GUY IN THE HIDEOUS SHIRT. 153 00:07:37,533 --> 00:07:39,603 OTHERWISE, SHE WOULD HAVE HAD TO CUT HER ARM OFF 154 00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,503 LIKE THAT GUY IN 127 HOURS. 155 00:07:41,533 --> 00:07:42,503 [laughter] 156 00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:45,773 * 157 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,770 DIDN'T SLOW HER DOWN A BIT! 158 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,830 BLACK REALLY DOESN'T CRACK. 159 00:07:49,867 --> 00:07:51,627 WHAT A BUFFALO SOLDIER. 160 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,597 IF I LEARNED ANYTHING FROM COOL RUNNINGS, 161 00:07:53,633 --> 00:07:55,633 IT'S THAT JAMAICANS HAVE NO QUIT IN THEM, 162 00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,067 AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU, MON. 163 00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,367 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HIS WEB REDEMPTION, 164 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,870 BUT FIRST, LOCK THIS GUY UP IMMEDIATELY! 165 00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:09,267 - SELENA GOMEZ, TOTALLY IN CONTROL OF ME? 166 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:12,400 YES. LET ME TELL YOU WHY. 167 00:08:12,433 --> 00:08:17,633 FIRST, I AM HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HER, OKAY? 168 00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:21,067 SECOND, SHE CAME ALONG IN MY LIFE 169 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,727 RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED HER MOST. 170 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:28,127 THIRD, SHE'S A VERY LOVING AND CARING WOMAN. 171 00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:32,897 FOURTH, SHE GUIDES ME AND HAS NEVER TOLD ME WRONG YET. 172 00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:36,633 GET IT? IT'S LIKE SHE CAN READ MY MIND OR SOMETHING. 173 00:08:36,667 --> 00:08:37,627 [laughter] 174 00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:39,567 [applause] 175 00:08:46,267 --> 00:08:48,097 - [laughs] 176 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,470 [horn honks] 177 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:54,370 [audience ohs] 178 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,570 - WALK IT OFF. 179 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,170 [laughter] 180 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,530 HE REALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. 181 00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:00,797 THAT'S KEN GREEN 182 00:09:00,833 --> 00:09:03,303 AND BIG WORM JUST KNOCKED HIM THE [bleep] OUT. 183 00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,573 [laughter and applause] 184 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,400 HE LEARNED WHAT MARIAH CAREY ALREADY KNEW-- 185 00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:11,673 ICE CREAM TRUCKS WILL WRECK YOUR BODY. 186 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,970 [laughter] 187 00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,697 IS NICK CANNON UNDER THERE? 188 00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:18,773 [laughter] 189 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,800 PEDESTRIANS ARE LIKE WOMEN. 190 00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:23,533 THEY'RE GIVEN WAY TOO MANY RIGHTS IN THIS COUNTRY. 191 00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:26,267 TAKING YOUR FIRST STEP AS A CHILD IS A MILESTONE. 192 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,770 THEN YOU REALIZE WALKING SUCKS 193 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,930 AND YOU SPEND THE NEXT 70 YEARS LOOKING FOR RIDES. 194 00:09:29,967 --> 00:09:31,527 THERE'S WAY TOO MUCH TRAFFIC TOO. 195 00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:33,597 MY PROPOSAL IS THAT PEOPLE WHO DRIVE CARS 196 00:09:33,633 --> 00:09:36,833 WORTH MORE THAN $75,000 SHOULD GET THEIR OWN LANE. 197 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,367 RICH PEOPLE AREN'T BETTER DRIVERS, 198 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,300 BUT AT LEAST WE ALL HAVE INSURANCE. 199 00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:42,733 AND JAYWALKING SOUNDS LIKE A STUPID MADE-UP CRIME, 200 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:44,097 SO I TREAT IT LIKE ONE. 201 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,603 IF YOU THINK I'M WALKING AN EXTRA BLOCK 202 00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:47,333 TO CROSS THE STREET, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND. 203 00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:52,297 IT'S HOT OUTSIDE AND I'M ON TV. HA HA HA. BARELY. 204 00:09:52,333 --> 00:09:55,133 I'M A VERY CHARITABLE PERSON, BUT DON'T EVEN DREAM 205 00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:58,067 OF ASKING ME TO PARTICIPATE IN YOUR TERMINAL DISEASE 5K. 206 00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:00,067 NO AMOUNT OF WALKING WILL CURE ANYTHING, 207 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,970 SO I'LL STAY ON THE COUCH AND WRITE YOU A CHECK. 208 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,300 I WON'T, REALLY. 209 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:05,873 [laughter] 210 00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:08,070 WALKING IS JUST SOMETHING OLD PEOPLE DO 211 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,630 TO PASS THE TIME BETWEEN RETIREMENT AND DEATH. 212 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:13,067 AND DON'T TRY TO SELL ME ON POWER WALKING. 213 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,930 I PREFER WORKOUTS THAT DON'T MAKE ME LOOK 214 00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:17,397 LIKE I'M TRYING TO RUSH HOME BEFORE I [bleep] IN MY PANTS. 215 00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:18,773 [laughter] 216 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,570 KEN HAD SOMEWHERE TO BE THAT DAY, 217 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:21,970 BUT THANKS TO THE GOOD HUMOR MAN, 218 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,630 HE PROBABLY DIDN'T MAKE IT ON TIME. 219 00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,967 SO I INVITED HIM OUT TO L.A. TO ANSWER THE AGE-OLD QUESTION, 220 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,070 "WHY DID THE BLACK GUY CROSS THE ROAD?" 221 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:31,100 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 222 00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:34,373 [cheers and applause] 223 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,970 - LOOK AT THIS [bleep] HERE. 224 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,500 [whistle tweets] 225 00:10:45,967 --> 00:10:47,367 ALL RIGHT. 226 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,730 NO WORRY, YOU GOTTA KEEP IT SAFE. 227 00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:50,427 - HOW ARE YOU DOING? - GOTTA KEEP YOU SAFE. 228 00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:53,467 THIS IS ONLY PART-TIME. OUT OF MY WAY, KIDS. UGH! 229 00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:54,470 [brakes screeching] 230 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,630 OOH! - AAH! 231 00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:59,467 - MY FIRST QUESTION IS, HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE? 232 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,370 - I SURVIVED, MAN. I'M A STRONG MAN. [laughs] 233 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,430 - SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? 234 00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:05,727 - IT'S 'CAUSE I'M OVERWEIGHT. 235 00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,427 - IS IT? - MM-HMM. 236 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,967 - FINALLY, THAT PAYS OFF. - IT FINALLY PAID OFF. 237 00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:13,127 - WHAT WERE YOU DOING? - I WAS DANCING. 238 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,527 - IS THERE ANY PLACE BLACK PEOPLE WILL NOT DANCE? 239 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:16,927 - NOW, PROBABLY THE STREET. 240 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,797 - WHY WERE YOU DANCING IN THE STREET? 241 00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:20,673 - I WAS DOING THE DANCE FOR MY SONG 242 00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:23,170 AND WANTED TO MAKE IT EXCITING AND DO IT IN THE STREET. 243 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,130 - OH, YOU'RE A RAPPER? - YES. 244 00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:27,897 - OKAY. WHAT WAS THE SONG YOU WERE SINGING? 245 00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:29,073 - I'M GIPPER. 246 00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,830 - AND WHAT DOES "I'M GIPPER" MEAN? 247 00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:33,497 - IT'S A HYBRID OF CRUNK. 248 00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:35,073 - HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THE SONG? 249 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,200 - I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THE BEAT IN THE STUDIO, 250 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:39,073 AND IT HAD A LOT OF ENERGY IN IT, 251 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:42,370 AND I TOOK THE WORD "CHIPPER" AND PUT A "G" IN FRONT OF IT. 252 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,670 - I FEEL IN RAP, A LOT OF TIMES, 253 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:50,130 RAPPERS TAKE SHORTCUTS BY MAKING UP WORDS JUST TO RHYME. 254 00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,327 IS THAT FAIR? - YES, THAT'S FAIR. 255 00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:53,667 IT'S POETRY. 256 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,070 - DID YOU NOT HEAR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING? 257 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:57,897 - I DIDN'T HEAR IT. HE WASN'T PLAYING HIS MUSIC. 258 00:11:57,933 --> 00:12:00,073 - DID HE HONK HIS HORN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT? 259 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,627 - TWO SECONDS BEFORE HE HIT ME. 260 00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,297 - TECHNICALLY, WASN'T IT YOUR FAULT? 261 00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:04,573 - NO, IT WAS HIS FAULT. 262 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:05,930 HE'S DRIVING AN ICE CREAM TRUCK. 263 00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:08,197 HE'S SUPPOSED TO DRIVE FIVE MILES AN HOUR ANYWAY. 264 00:12:08,233 --> 00:12:10,073 - THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD POINT. 265 00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,327 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET A LOT OF BUSINESS 266 00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:12,797 SPEEDING THROUGH A NEIGHBORHOOD. 267 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:13,803 - HOW ARE THE KIDS GONNA CATCH YOU? 268 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:14,873 - YES, EXACTLY. 269 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,200 DID HE IMMEDIATELY JUMP OUT? 270 00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:17,673 - YEAH, HE PULLED OVER AND STOPPED. 271 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,070 - WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING HE SAID TO YOU? 272 00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:20,567 - "I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU." 273 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,700 - DID YOU SAY, "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, EVERYTHING'S GIPPER"? 274 00:12:22,733 --> 00:12:25,303 - I JUST HEARD HIM. ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T SEE HIM THERE. 275 00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:27,303 - DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL? - YES. 276 00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:28,533 - AND WHAT HAPPENED? 277 00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:31,427 - BRUISED LUNGS, BROKEN WRIST, BROKE LEG BONE. 278 00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,097 - DID YOU SUE ANYBODY AFTER THIS? 279 00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,203 - THE GUY THAT HIT ME. - GOOD FOR YOU. 280 00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:36,803 NOBODY SUES ANYMORE. 281 00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,133 - YOU HAVE TO SUE. 282 00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,327 - WHO WAS FILMING? 283 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,267 - UH, ONE OF THE GUYS I WAS WORKING WITH. 284 00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:44,170 - DID YOU SUE HIM FOR NOT GIVING YOU A HEADS UP? 285 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,430 - NOT YET. 286 00:12:45,467 --> 00:12:47,497 - THAT'S THE FIRST PERSON I WOULD HAVE SUED. 287 00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,533 HEY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TELL ME 288 00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:52,067 WHEN A FREIGHT TRUCK IS PILING ON ME. 289 00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:53,797 50 CENT WAS SHOT NINE TIMES. 290 00:12:53,833 --> 00:12:55,873 DO YOU THINK GETTING HIT BY AN ICE CREAM TRUCK 291 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,230 GIVES YOU MORE STREET CRED? 292 00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:58,767 - OH, YEAH. IT'S A TRUCK. 293 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,100 - IT IS A TRUCK. 294 00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:02,803 - BUT IT'S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK THAT MAKES IT... 295 00:13:02,833 --> 00:13:05,133 IT KIND OF BRINGS THE CREDIT DOWN JUST A BIT. 296 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:07,327 - IT DOES. 297 00:13:07,367 --> 00:13:08,827 THE IRONY IS, HAD YOU NOT BEEN HIT, 298 00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:09,897 NO ONE WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT VIDEO. 299 00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:10,903 - RIGHT. 300 00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:12,173 - SO I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR 301 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,170 THAT WE HELP YOU FINISH THE MUSIC VIDEO 302 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,600 SO THE WORLD CAN SEE IT. 303 00:13:15,633 --> 00:13:17,073 - AND THE WORLD CAN GO GIPPER. 304 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,500 - THE WORLD WILL GO GIPPER. 305 00:13:18,533 --> 00:13:20,533 - [laughs] - AFTER THEY SEE THIS. 306 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:23,197 - IN... 307 00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:37,067 AND NOW, THE WORLD PREMIERE OF I'M GIPPER. 308 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,767 [ice cream truck music] 309 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,330 * 310 00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:46,327 [rap music] 311 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,427 - * BANG, BANG 312 00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:49,927 * 313 00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:51,367 * DIAMONDS IN MY EAR 314 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,070 * PRADAS ON MY ZIPPER 315 00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,697 * GUCCI BE THE SLIPPERS 316 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,333 * DAMN, I'M FEELING GIPPER 317 00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:58,067 * I'M GIPPER, I'M GIPPER 318 00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:00,067 * I'M GIPPER, I'M GIPPER * 319 00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,600 * I'M GIPPER, I'M GIPPER 320 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:03,303 - * DAMN, THAT BOY'S GIPPER * 321 00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:04,773 - * LBG IS GIPPER 322 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,600 * GOT PRADA ON MY ZIPPER 323 00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:07,973 * GOTTA SHOW THE PRICE 324 00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,927 * SO I'M LEAVING ON MY STICKER * 325 00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,497 * SAY YOU MAKE IT RAIN 326 00:14:11,533 --> 00:14:13,503 * YOU GOT TEN DOLLARS IN ONES * 327 00:14:13,533 --> 00:14:16,833 * NOW I'LL MAKE IT RAIN A HURRICANE KATRINA * 328 00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:20,167 * HEY, I'M BLASTING LIKE A NINA * 329 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,500 * I MIGHT MAKE IT RAIN MASTERCARDS OR VISAS * 330 00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:26,573 * SO GO AND FIRE US UP LIKE PIZZA HUT MIA * 331 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,830 * I AIN'T GOT SWAG 332 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,167 * I'M 100% GIPPER 333 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,430 * DIAMONDS IN MY EAR 334 00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,297 * PRADAS ON MY ZIPPER 335 00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:34,773 * GUCCI BE THE SLIPPERS 336 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,830 * DAMN, I'M FEELING GIPPER 337 00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:38,067 * I'M GIPPER, I'M GIPPER 338 00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,830 * I'M GIPPER, I'M GIPPER * 339 00:14:39,867 --> 00:14:41,767 * I'M GIPPER, I'M GIPPER 340 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,330 - * DAMN, THAT BOY'S GIPPER * 341 00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:47,627 [crash] 342 00:14:47,667 --> 00:14:49,627 [laughter] 343 00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:52,627 [ice cream truck music playing off-key] 344 00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:53,967 * 345 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:57,167 [cheers and applause] 346 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,070 - I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I'M GIPPER 347 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,467 IS THE NUMBER ONE SONG IN THE WORLD 348 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:06,570 AND HE GETS AN OFFER TO PERFORM AT THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW. 349 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,300 LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN. 350 00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:11,303 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, IT'S THE PRANK OF THE WEEK. 351 00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:26,133 - AAH! 352 00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:27,467 - I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING. 353 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:29,370 - [whining] 354 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,730 - OH, I GOT YOU. 355 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,327 - BROUGHT TO YOU BY DEAD SPACE 2. 356 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,067 IT'S EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IN A GAME 357 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,700 AND YOUR MOM'S GONNA HATE IT. 358 00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:39,873 [applause] 359 00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,073 - THERE IS ALL THIS GOSSIP GOING ON 360 00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:46,330 ABOUT ME AND SELENA GOMEZ, 361 00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:50,267 AND I HAVE BEEN LAUGHING THE WHOLE TIME. 362 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:54,930 [laughs] 363 00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:56,827 IT'S SO FUNNY. 364 00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:59,627 I MEAN, IT'S HARMLESS. 365 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:04,727 I KEEP TELLING SELENA NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT. 366 00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:07,827 - ALL RIGHT. SERIOUSLY, LOCK THAT GUY UP. 367 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:13,667 THAT IS THE SMALLEST MICROPHONE IN THE WORLD 368 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:16,600 OR HE'S HUGE. 369 00:16:16,633 --> 00:16:19,203 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN QUESTIONING MY SEXUALITY SINCE BIRTH, 370 00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:23,073 PROBABLY BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BOTH MALE AND FEMALE GENITALIA. 371 00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,200 THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. 372 00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:27,103 BUT THAT'S WHY I MADE MY STAFF 373 00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:30,103 TAKE THE GAY PORN VIAGRA BONER CHALLENGE. 374 00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:32,673 HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT? "OF COURSE." 375 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,670 THAT'S WHERE YOU TAKE VIAGRA, 376 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,470 PUT ON SOME EXPLICIT MAN-ON-MAN PORNOGRAPHY, 377 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:39,770 AND THEN THE FIRST PERSON TO POP A RAGING HARD-ON 378 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,070 IS THE QUEEREST. 379 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,367 EVERYBODY READY? 380 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,500 TAKE YOUR VIAGRA. 381 00:16:46,533 --> 00:16:47,873 ALL RIGHT, START THE GAY PORN. 382 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:48,900 - OH, YEAH. 383 00:16:48,933 --> 00:16:50,773 WOW. 384 00:16:51,833 --> 00:16:53,133 all: OH! 385 00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:54,397 - ANYBODY FEELING ANYTHING? 386 00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:56,303 - I'M SWEATING A LOT. 387 00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:58,203 - WEINIE CHECKS. 388 00:17:03,667 --> 00:17:04,897 - DOES ANYONE FEEL ANYTHING? 389 00:17:04,933 --> 00:17:06,203 - OH, NO. I FEEL NOTHING. 390 00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:09,903 - WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? 391 00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:13,473 [upbeat music] 392 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,930 * 393 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,427 - YOU FEEL ANYTHING? - NO. 394 00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:19,427 - NOT ONE PERSON'S GETTING AROUSED. 395 00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:21,467 OH, MAN, AM I IMMUNE TO VIAGRA? 396 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:22,630 OH! 397 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,127 - I DID NOT SEE HIM GOING FIRST. 398 00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:26,497 - NOT ONE OUNCE OF CHUB. 399 00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:28,073 [laughter] 400 00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:31,267 JUST FIVE DUDES, SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER 401 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,430 IN THEIR SWEATPANTS, 402 00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:36,697 WATCHING OVER TWO HOURS OF HARDCORE GAY PORN. 403 00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,373 WHO'S GAY NOW? 404 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,400 DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP 405 00:17:41,433 --> 00:17:43,073 FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO. 406 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:46,167 THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM GERRY ALANGUILAN. 407 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,667 [dog barking in background] 408 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:56,873 [laughter] 409 00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:04,197 [laughter] 410 00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:16,203 [laughter] 411 00:18:27,933 --> 00:18:29,973 [laughter] 412 00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:32,727 [laughter] 413 00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,067 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 414 00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:36,327 WITH MORE DR. KATZ, PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST. 415 00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:42,067 [cheers and applause] 416 00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:49,197 [cheers and applause] 417 00:18:49,233 --> 00:18:51,533 - WELCOME BACK, LADIES. 418 00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,227 [laughter] 419 00:18:53,267 --> 00:18:55,927 NEXT WEEK, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM GIRL GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 420 00:18:55,967 --> 00:19:01,467 - * WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED * 421 00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:06,800 * AT THE STAR'S LA-- STAR'S... * 422 00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:08,773 [cheering] 423 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,570 - THAT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL. 424 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,770 [laughter] 425 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,070 MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN 426 00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:14,167 TO SEE MY NEW STANDUP SPECIAL HAPPY THOUGHTS, 427 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,430 PREMIERING ON COMEDY CENTRAL MARCH 6TH. 428 00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:17,527 BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 429 00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:19,097 SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS. 430 00:19:19,133 --> 00:19:20,573 AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG 431 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,100 OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM. 432 00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:24,903 AND FINALLY, SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING 433 00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:27,373 A LOT OF UNNECESSARY CHEAP SHOTS AT ME LATELY. 434 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,870 AND IT'S OKAY WHEN IT COMES FROM MY HALF-WIT FANS, 435 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:30,970 BUT IT'S ANOTHER THING 436 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,627 WHEN IT COMES FROM A FELLOW TALK SHOW HOST, 437 00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:35,527 ESPECIALLY ONE WHO'S NOT EVEN ON NETWORK TELEVISION. 438 00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,327 LISTEN TO WHAT THIS HACK HAD TO SAY. 439 00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:38,727 - HI, I'M WESLEY. 440 00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,227 I WATCHED TOSH.0 LAST NIGHT, 441 00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:45,297 AND WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT DANIEL TOSH? 442 00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:49,203 - YOU THINK I GOT THIS SHOW BECAUSE I'M FUNNY? 443 00:19:49,233 --> 00:19:52,573 - YOU SAID IT, DANNY BOY, NOT ME. 444 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,600 YOU [bleep] JACKWAGON. 445 00:19:55,633 --> 00:19:58,633 IT'S NOT HARD TO DO THIS SHOW. 446 00:19:58,667 --> 00:20:03,297 GREEN SCREEN? 447 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:04,503 CHECK. 448 00:20:04,533 --> 00:20:08,273 YOUTUBE VIDEOS? 449 00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,400 CHECK. 450 00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:13,033 RANDOM VIDEOS OF ME "NAKED"? 451 00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:16,097 I'M NAKED, I'M NAKED! 452 00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:18,003 CHECK. 453 00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,073 I JUST DON'T GET IT. 454 00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:23,330 BUT HEY, I'M ONLY 7. 455 00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:25,427 THANKS FOR WATCHING. 456 00:20:25,467 --> 00:20:27,567 NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM. 457 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,670 - BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA PLAY WITH ME. 458 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:33,700 - NOT YOU. THE AUDIENCE. 459 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,773 - HERE. YOU CAN BE ADAM. 460 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,770 - LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE MOTHER[bleep]. 461 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,470 NOTHING WOULD BRIGHTEN MY DAY MORE 462 00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,000 THAN TO DESTROY SOME PUSSY WHO STILL PLAYS WITH DOLLS. 463 00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:45,003 HOW ABOUT THIS? 464 00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:46,133 HOW 'BOUT I DATE YOUR MOM 465 00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:47,897 AND MAKE YOUR BEDTIME TWO HOURS EARLIER, 466 00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:49,573 YOU NO TALENT PIECE OF [bleep]. 467 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,900 KEEP IT UP WITH THE INSULTS 468 00:20:50,933 --> 00:20:52,733 AND THERE WILL BE NO WES.8. 469 00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,497 DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING, BITCH? 470 00:20:54,533 --> 00:20:57,533 I WILL BURY YOU AND YOUR SISTER IN THE SANDBOX. 471 00:20:57,567 --> 00:20:58,967 DO NOT TEST ME. 472 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,400 YOUR MOVE, FOUR EYES. 473 00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:02,703 GOOD NIGHT. 474 00:21:02,733 --> 00:21:08,273 [cheers and applause] 475 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,270 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 476 00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:16,327 [country music] 477 00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:24,367 * 478 00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:41,403 - SEE YA, GRAMPS. 33462

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