Original subtitles

>> TOSH.0 FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET.

WE DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM

ATTEMPTING THESE.

ENJOY!

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

NEXT TO OXICONTIN.

[LAUGHTER]

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I AM YOUR HOST, DANIEL TOSH.

I'M AWARE THIS SHOW IS NOT FOR

EVERYONE.

IF FUNNY JOKES ARE NOT YOUR CUP

OF TEA, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD

JUST KEEP WATCHING "RULES OF

ENGAGEMENT."

[LAUGHTER]

ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE, THE

GREATEST ACTOR YOU'VE NEVER

HEARD OF.

BRIAN ATENE, STOPS BY.

I SEEK OUT MY OWN GOLDEN VOICED

HOBO.

AND WE TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT

BLACK TWITTER.

[LAUGHTER]

IS THAT KID STILL LAUGHING?

[LAUGHTER]

STOP LAUGHING AND CHANGE MY OIL.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK GOODNESS THEY WEREN'T

MEXICANS BECAUSE THEY ALL DRIVE

LOW RIDERS AND THAT KID WOULD'VE

REALLY GOTTEN HURT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HOW AMERICAN KIDS PLAY IN

THE SNOW.

HERE'S HOW THE RUSSIANS DO IT.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [BLEEP]

MIND?

"NO, NO, NO.

IT'S SAFE.

WE DOUBLE-KNOTTED THE BED SHEET

AROUND THE CHIMNEY."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY BAD.

I CANNOT BELIEVE WE WON THE COLD

WAR.

THEY ARE FEARLESS.

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST THEY WERE SMART ENOUGH

TO TRY IT ON A WOMAN FIRST.

HANG IN THERE, SVETLANA.

SHE'S DATING JASON BOURNE.

[LAUGHTER]

TEN MINUTES LATER HE COMES DOWN,

"OH THE STAIRCASE WOULD HAVE

BEEN FINE."

[LAUGHTER]

"I THOUGHT THERE WERE AGENTS

FOLLOWING US."

"THERE WEREN'T."

CHECK OUT THIS NEXT CHICK'S

MELONS.

>> WOW!

>> WOW IS RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

"CAN'T WE JUST SNUGGLE?"

"NOPE.

GET OUT THE TARP."

GOTTA BE A BETTER WAY TO TELL IF

IT'S RIPE.

DO NOT GO DOWN ON HER WHEN SHE'S

ANGRY.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S GOING TO HAVE AN ANT

PROBLEM.

SHE SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT

EMPLOYEE FOR MY NEW SIDE

PROJECT.

>> WELCOME TO PASSION JUICE.

PASSION JUICE IS MY PASSION.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

>> A LARGE FRUITY MANGO BLAST.

>> ONE LARGE FRUITY MANGO BLAST.

>> DON'T YOU HAVE A LARGE?

>> OH!

>> WHAT GOES IN THERE, MANGO?

>> OH!

[LAUGHTER]

>> THESE HAWAIIANS COME IN AND

ORDER PINEAPPLE.

IT'S ALL PINEAPPLE.

>> SHUT UP!

>> THAT'S WHY I DO SO MANY KEGEL

EXERCISES.

THIS NEXT PRISONER'S ON SUICIDE

WATCH, SO LET'S WATCH WHILE HE

ATTEMPTS SUICIDE.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET OUT

THAT WAY.

I KNOW, IT'S GROSS!

HE SHOULD HAVE PUT DOWN A SEAT

COVER.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK SOMEONE POOPED IN THE

POOL.

WHAT'S HE, LUIGI?

[LAUGHTER]

MSNBC REALLY NEEDS TO SHOW MORE

BLOOPERS ON LOCKUP.

HOW DO NEW MOMS GET RID OF BABY

WEIGHT?

WITH A BABY WEIGHT.

**

YEP, THAT'S A REAL BABY.

YEA, I'M NO PEDIATRICIAN, BUT

THAT BABY'S GONNA HAVE A GREAT

CORE.

[LAUGHTER]

LETS PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS

WE CAN POST BEFORE HER BABY

BREAKS.

DO YOU THINK IT'S A ROUTINE OR

IS SHE JUST FREESTYLIN?

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE SHE HATES HER BABY.

DID ANYONE CONSIDER THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT BABY IS GONNA GROW UP TO BE

EITHER A TRAPEZE ARTIST OR A MOM

MURDERER.

[LAUGHTER]

BE CAREFUL!

SHE'LL BREAK HER BABY'S BACK

RIBS.

BBQ SAUCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHIN' TELLS ME THAT BABY'S

DISMOUNT IS GOING TO BE INTO A

DUMPSTER.

I SAID DUMPSTER.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A LOT HARDER WITH DEVIL

STICKS.

**

IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THE

COUNTRY WHO INVENTED SUDOKU

CONSIDERS WALKING TO BE AN

ACCEPTABLE SPORT.

THEY DIDN'T LOOK AS ORGANIZED

WHEN GODZILLA WAS CHASING THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

>> LOOK AT THEM.

DROP A COUPLE BOMBS ON A COUNTRY

AND THEY START GETTING THEIR

[BLEEP] IN LINE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

EVERYONE IS DOING THE DOUGIE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ARE NOT A TRUE FAN OF THIS

SHOW IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S

THE GREATEST VIDEO WE'VE EVER

PUT ON THE AIR.

LET'S ALL GATHER ROUND AND FORM

A CIRCLE JERK IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IRELAND, A COUNTRY SO FULL OF

DRUNKS, THEY STILL THINK U2 IS A

GOOD BAND.

THEY'RE CELEBRATING ARTHUR'S

DAY, MY FAVORITE MADE-UP

HOLIDAY, WHICH MEANS THEY HAVE

EVEN MORE GUINNESS COURSING

THROUGH THEIR POTATO CLOGGED

VEINS THAN USUAL.

[LAUGHTER]

IT MUST BE EASY TO BE THE BEST

BREAKDANCER IN A PLACE WHERE

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BLACK

PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T JUDGE, THIS IS HOW THE

WAHLBERG BOYS GOT THEIR START.

FACT: PROPER PUSH-UP FORM IS

ESSENTIAL WHEN THERE IS A REAL

DANGER OF YOUR BARE PENIS

DRAGGING OVER COBBLESTONE.

[LAUGHTER]

O'BRIEN'S BUDDY SEES THAT IT'S A

PANTS OFF DANCE OFF AND ACCEPTS

THE CHALLENGE.

THERE IS NOTHING GAY ABOUT THIS,

BUT HERE COMES THE MOVE THEIR

ADOPTED GRANDKIDS WILL HEAR

ABOUT, THE HANDSTAND JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

STARTING TO GET A LITTLE GAY

HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S PERFORMING A SOLO ON

O'BRIEN'S SKIN FLUTE.

DO YOU THINK HE TAKES REQUESTS?

THE CROWD LOVES IT!

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IF ONE OF

THOSE BOYS CREAMS, A LEPRECHAUN

WILL APPEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST GLAD IRELAND'S VIRAL

VIDEOS ARE MORE FUN TO LOOK AT

THAN THEIR WOMEN, AND FOR THAT,

WE THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRIAN

ATENE'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT

FIRST HERE'S TO THE HAPPY

COUPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> GOOD DAY, MR. Q BRICK.

I'M BRIAN ATENE.

I'M A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM THE

JULLIARD SCHOOL.

IN A MOMENT, I WILL PERFORM YOU

FROM "THE OUTSIDERS."

>> I'M GOING TO WALK AGAIN.

NOT EVEN ON THESE CRUTCHES.

YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

I SCARED!

I SCARED!

>> IF THEY WERE CASTING FOR THE

ROLE OF CORKY ON "LIFE GOES ON,"

HE NAILED IT.

BRIAN ATENE HAS WHAT WE IN THE

BIZ CALL, "THE IT FACTOR."

HE'S LIKE MATT LEBLANC, BUT

WITHOUT ALL THE LUCKY BREAKS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS BRIAN'S AUDITION FOR

"FULL METAL JACKET."

BUT STANLEY KUBRICK DECIDED TO

GO WITH SOMEBODY WHO WOULDN'T

RUIN HIS MOVIE.

IT'S NOT EASY TO MAKE IT IN

HOLLYWOOD.

IF IT WERE, THE RESTAURANT

INDUSTRY HERE WOULD COLLAPSE.

THERE ARE 9 MILLION PEOPLE

COMPETING FOR 36 JOBS.

YOU THINK THINGS ARE BAD IN

DETROIT?

YOU SHOULD SEE THE DEVASTATION

AFTER PILOT SEASON WHEN THE ONLY

ONE THAT'S BOOKED SOMETHING IS

SCOTT CAAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M AN INCREDIBLE ACTOR, BUT IT

TOOK TEN YEARS OF AUDITIONS

WITHOUT BEING CAST BEFORE COMEDY

CENTRAL WAS DESPERATE ENOUGH TO

GIVE ME A SHOT.

I ALWAYS GOT THE SAME NOTE: MY

CHEEKBONES WERE MEANT FOR MALE

MODELING, NOT ACTING.

[LAUGHTER]

THE TRUTH IS, THERE ARE ONLY A

FEW GREAT ACTORS.

EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST READING.

IF PAUL WALKER CAN DO IT, I'M

PRETTY SURE 95% OF THE

POPULATION IS OVERQUALIFIED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND STOP SAYING YOU CAUGHT THE

ACTING BUG.

YOU MEAN THE ONE WHERE YOU DON'T

WORK HARD, YOU MAKE TONS OF

MONEY, AND EVERYONE KISSES YOUR

ASS?

YEAH, WE'VE ALL GOT THAT BUG.

BUT I STILL THINK BRIAN DESERVES

A BIG BREAK.

THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM TO

HOLLYWOOD FOR ONE LAST SHOT AT

FAME IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

[APPLAUSE]

>> BRIAN OH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

DANIEL.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA.

>> YOU STILL TALK THE EXACT

SAME.

>> THAT'S ACTOR SPEAK.

>> ARE YOU THIRSTY?

>> YEAH.

I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE.

>> LET ME SEE IF MY ASSISTANT IS

AROUND.

CAN WE PLEASE GET A COFFEE FOR

HIM?

ARE YOU STILL ACTING?

>> NO.

I'M THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WAITER.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAIT

SOMETHING.

>> I'D SAY ABOUT 20 YEARS.

>> HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU NOT

HAVE A CAREER AND DAK SHEPHERD

DOES?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

>> EXACTLY.

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU GOING TO STAY THERE FOR

A LITTLE BIT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE AN

ACTOR?

>> NO.

I THINK I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A

FILM DIRECTOR.

>> DID YOU EVER PURSUE IT?

>> YEAH, I DID.

NOTHING BECAME OF IT.

>> HOW LONG AGO DID YOU PUT THAT

VIDEO ONLINE?

>> THE VIDEO WAS MADE IN 1984.

THE IRONY IS IT WAS NEVER SENT

IN TO STANLEY KIBRIK.

>> YOU OVERACCENT A LOT.

>> NOT ONLY CRUTCHES.

>> DID YOU REALLY ATTEND

JULLIARD?

>> BRIAN ATENE ATTENDED THE

JULLIARD SCHOOL ON SCHOLARSHIP.

AT THAT TIME I KNEW KEVIN

SPACEY.

HE IS GAY.

>> ARE YOU GAY?

>> DO YOU THINK I'M GAY?

>> I'M NOT GOING BACK TO WORK

WHEN THIS AIRS.

>> HEAVEN FORBID THE OLIVE

GARDEN DOESN'T TAKE YOU BACK.

>> WHAT WAS YOUR LOW POINT?

>> BEING ON THE TOSH PROGRAM.

>> HERE'S WHAT I DID FOR YOU.

I GOT YOU AN AUDITION -- WHERE'S

MY ASSISTANT?

WHERE'S MY SCRIPT?

THANK YOU.

HERE'S YOURS.

I GOT DISTRACTED.

>> THIS IS REAL WORK.

>> THIS WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> OR SLAM THEM SHUT.

DAK, GOOD DAY, MR. SISCO.

>> GREAT.

CAN YOU GUYS GET ON WITH THIS?

>> OF COURSE.

>> O'BRIEN, DON'T YOU DIE ON ME.

NO!

>> OKAY.

DANIEL, YOU WERE AWFUL.

BRIAN, YOU GOT THE PART.

>> HA!

>> GOOD JOB, BUDDY.

YOU'RE KNOWN AS THE KUBRIK.

WELCOME TO COUGAR TOWN.

IF I COULD GIVE YOU IF I ADVICE,

NAIL COURTNEY COX.

YOU WOULD GET A RECURRING ROLE

GUARANTEED.

BRIAN?

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING

TO PLAY TODAY?

>> THE CREEPY PHOTOGRAPHER.

>> THE CREEPY PHOTOGRAPHER.

THE WAY TO PLAY IT IS TO BE

YOURSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

>> CREEPY.

ONE DAY IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU'RE

ALREADY TYPE CAST.

>> THANKS FOR DOING THAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> OF COURSE, ARE YOU NERVOUS AT

ALL?

>> I'M SCARED!

>> ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT

ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YES.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE

GREATEST ACTOR EVER.

>> THANK YOU.

>> BRIAN ATENE TO THE STAGE,

PLEASE.

**

>> PROMISE ME THIS WON'T GET

CREEPIER.

>> HONEY, I PROMISE.

>> SHOULD WE START WITH A GLASS

OF SHERRY BEFORE YOU GET

UNDRESSED?

>> THAT'S A RAP.

>> THAT WAS HIS ENTIRE SCENE,

BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE WHOLE

EPISODE OF "COUGAR TOWN," AND

WHO DOESN'T, IT PREMIERES IN A

FEW WEEKS.

SO CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WERE

INSANE ENOUGH TO LET THAT MANIAC

ON THEIR SET.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

HERE'S OUR NEWEST CORRESPONDENT

KIGE WITH SOME VERY HELPFUL

TRAVEL TIPS.

>> I KNOW A LOT OF YOU.

YOU'RE GOING ON SPRING BREAK IN

A FEW WEEKS.

I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A COUPLE

IDEAS OF PLACES TO GO ON SPRING

BREAK.

NUMBER 1, JAMAICA.

NUMBER 2, WEST PALM BEACH,

FLORIDA.

THOSE ARE THE TWO, THE BEST

PLACES TO GO FOR SPRING BREAK IN

>> HEY, GOING TO MAKE YOU WORK

FOR YOUR DOLLAR.

SAY SOMETHING WITH THAT GREAT

RADIO VOICE.

>> YOU'RE LISTENING TO MAGIC

98.9.

THANK YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU.

>> ARE YOU SICK OF THIS GUY YET?

I AM.

HE ALREADY HAS BEEN OFFERED A

JOB AS THE VOICE OF THE

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS.

BUT DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED TO

HIM, CAVS FANS.

AS SOON AS HE GETS REALLY GOOD,

I'M SURE HE'S GOING TO TAKE HIS

TALENTS TO SOUTH BEACH.

[LAUGHTER]

CLEARLY THIS GUY IS ONE IN A

MILLION.

MOST PEOPLE ARE HOMELESS FOR A

REASON, BECAUSE THEY ARE

TALENTLESS.

AND I WENT OUT TO PROVE IT.

>> EXCUSE ME.

BEFORE I GIVE YOU $1, CAN YOU

READ THIS?

>> SURE.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST, DANIEL

TOSH.

>> REALLY GOOD.

>> THANK YOU.

>> CAN I GET YOU TO READ THIS?

>> SURE.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST, DANIEL

TOSH.

>> CAN YOU READ THIS?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

>> THESE GUYS SOUND -- * WAIT

TILL THE SUNSHINES NELLY *

* WAIT TILL THE CLOUDS GO

DRIFTING BY *

* WE WILL BE HAPPY NELLY, DON'T

YOU CRY *

* DOWN WHERE THE PLANE WILL

WANDER *

* SWEET ARE YOU AND I *

* WAIT TILL THE SUNSHINES

NELLY *

* BYE AND BYE *

* BYE AND BYE *

[APPLAUSE]

>> HERE'S A DOLLAR.

>> I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

TURNS OUT EVERYONE THAT LIVES ON

THE STREETS IN LOS ANGELES IS

ADDICTED TO METH AND HAS A

BEAUTIFUL, SILKY SMOOTH VOICE.

SPEAKING OF SEXY VOICES, EVERY

TIME I HEAR SARAH MCLACHLAN'S

SPCA COMMERCIAL, IT DEPRESSES

ME, BUT I BELIEVE YOU CAN PUT

HER MUSIC BEHIND EVEN THE

HAPPIEST ANIMAL VIDEO AND IT

WILL IMMEDIATELY BECOME SAD.

* AND ALL YOUR TIME WAITING *

[LAUGHTER]

**

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER THOUGHT A MONKEY PISSING

IN HIS MOUTH WOULD MAKE ME CRY.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM JIM HANNA.

[BLEEP]

[LAUGHTER]

>> I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL, MAN.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE YOU

WERE BORN.

EIGHT WEEKS AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE YOU KNOW I'M MOVING OUT.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE RENT,

[BLEEP].

>> THAT'S NOT VERY BELIEVABLE.

WHY DOES SOMEBODY THAT OLD NEED

TO HAVE A ROOMMATE?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

[APPLAUSE]

>> HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED WE HAVE

ALL NEW MUSIC THIS SEASON?

THANK YOU ASIAN GUY FROM THE

NEPTUNES.

THOSE BEATS ARE FRESH.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT WEEK, THIS GUY GETS A WEB

REDEMPTION.

REGINALD DENNY WILL NEVER SLOW

DOWN AGAIN.

MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO SEE MY

NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL, "HAPPY

THOUGHTS," PREMIERING ON COMEDY

CENTRAL MARCH 6TH.

BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE

SHOWS.

AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG

OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

OKAY, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I

MAKE TOO MANY JOKES ABOUT RACIAL

STEREOTYPES, BUT THE TRUTH IS

BLACK PEOPLE LOVE ME.

YEAH.

AND I ASKED THEM WHY ON TWITTER.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, TWITTER

DOESN'T HAVE A BUTTON THAT LET'S

YOU SORT PEOPLE BY RACE.

I KNOW.

TOTAL FLAW.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I HAVE TO GUESS IF MY

FOLLOWERS ARE BLACK BASED ONLY

ON PROFILE PICS AND TONE.

YOUR CARDIGAN GAME IS SICK.

WELL, THEN, I KNOW YOU LOVE

COLLA!

[LAUGHTER]

THE WHITE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE.

GOTTA LOVE THAT WHITE MEAT.

I LIKE DARK MEAT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T WIN.

HAHA.

YOU KEEP IT GANGSTA AND SPEAK YO

MIND, THEM GAY JOKES IS KILLIN'

ME THO.

MAKES ME WONDER HMMM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR BOYISH AND SOMEWHAT FEY

CHARM, COMBINED WITH YOUR

"NOTHING IS SACRED" ATTITUDE.

HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S A BLACK

PERSON?

I CAN TELL.

[LAUGHTER]

I WATCH YOUR SHOW BECAUSE YOU

MAKE FUN OF ALL RACES.

PS, YOU SHOULD GO A LITTLE

HARDER ON THE ASIANS.

[LAUGHTER]

DULY NOTED.

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR FREAKING HILARIOUS!

YOU MAKE A DULL DAY SO MUCH

BRIGHTER!

NOW, I KNOW IT'S A PICTURE OF A

WHITE GIRL, BUT I ASSUME THAT'S

JUST HIS BABY MOMMA.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU REMIND ME OF MY BOY, SHIFTY,

WHO GOT LOCKED UP EIGHT MONTHS

AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

I MISS SHIFTY.

WE ALL MISS SHIFTY.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

GOD BLESS YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]