Original subtitles

- YOU BETTER NOT MISS.

- THIS IS A DUMB IDEA.

[cheers and applause]

- AND WE'RE BACK.

WELCOME TO THE SEASON THREE PREMIERE OF TOSH.0.

I KNOW YOU GUYS MISSED ME.

I WISH I COULD SAY THE FEELING WAS MUTUAL.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.

THE WARDROBE FOR THE BEGINNING OF SEASON THREE...

COLLA!

[cheers and applause]

I KNOW.

COLLA!

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU LOVE OUR NEW SET? THE ANSWER IS YES.

A LOT OF YOU SENT IN YOUR OWN IDEAS,

WHICH WERE IGNORED BECAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE AWFUL IDEAS.

JOHN FROM CINCINNATI THINKS WE SHOULD BROADCAST

FROM HIS LIVING ROOM.

NOT UNTIL YOU GET BAMBOO FLOORS, MY FRIEND.

SOMEONE ELSE SAID, "USE THE TALK SOUP SET,

SINCE YOUR SHOW'S ALREADY A RIP-OFF OF THAT."

[laughter]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORN IN GERMANY

DOES NOT MEAN I THINK THAT SET IS APPROPRIATE.

HELLTRACK, FROM THE MOVIE RAD?

THAT WOULD BE A PRETTY SWEET SET.

[laughter]

HELLO!

I DON'T WANT TO PERFORM WHILE I'M CONSTANTLY BEING AROUSED,

SO UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS A NO AS WELL.

I'M STICKING WITH THE MODERN-DOJO THEME.

TODAY ON THE SHOW, HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE,

'CAUSE ANTOINE DODSON IS HERE,

I SHOW YOU HOW I PLAY ANGRY BIRDS,

AND YOU GET TO SEE WHAT I DID OVER THE BREAK.

NOW, LET'S SEE THAT GUY GET HIS EYEBALL SHOT OUT AGAIN.

- YOU BETTER NOT MISS.

- HE WON'T.

- THIS IS A DUMB IDEA.

- BULL'S-EYE.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BARGAIN SHOP FOR LASIK.

HMM, A LITTLE VISINE SHOULD CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.

ON THE UPSIDE, GLASS EYES ARE A GREAT CONVERSATION STARTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOOD FOR THE EYES?

CARROTS.

THAT IS A VERY HEALTHY LOAD.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY WITTY COMMENTS WE CAN EJACULATE.

I WONDER IF THEY WERE MAKING CARROT BUKKAKE.

THAT'S THE SEXIEST WAY TO EAT

YOUR DAILY SERVING OF VEGETABLES.

I BET SHE'S GONNA TRY TO KISS HIM AFTER.

I CALL FAKE.

WHITE GUYS HAVE BABY CARROTS.

THEY HAVE TO USE PRODUCE,

BECAUSE NO MAN HAS EVER BEEN AROUSED BY A REDHEAD.

[audience groans]

[chuckles] TIME'S UP.

DOES THAT MEAN WE DON'T GET TO SEE THEM COVER HER IN RANCH?

LET'S CHECK IN ON THE WAR.

[audience groans]

THEY'RE JUST HAMMERING SOME KNIVES IN SOME DUDE'S HEAD.

IT'S AMAZING THESE ARE THE SAME MASTERMINDS

WHO ORCHESTRATED 9/11.

SEE, I PREFER A NICE WOODEN BLOCK

FROM WILLIAMS-SONOMA, BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

ALL THOSE KNIVES, AND NO ONE'S GOT A HAMMER.

[laughter]

WATERBOARDING'S GONNA BE A PICNIC FOR THIS GUY.

AL-QAEDA IS THE TOUGHEST FRATERNITY

TO GET INTO ON GREEK ROW.

YEAH.

I'VE RUSHED THREE TIMES, AND I'M A LEGACY.

I WOULD HATE TO LIVE BY THIS NEXT LADY.

SHE NEVER PRUNES HER BUSH.

- SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT--

DO IT OVER, DO IT RIGHT.

DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DANCE NAKED IN THE RAIN.

[laughs]

AHH...

- SHUT THAT CRAZY BITCH UP.

I WISH SHE'D HAVE DANCED NAKED IN THE RAIN 30 YEARS AGO.

WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ON HOW MANY CATS THAT WOMAN OWNS?

- MOTHER NATURE, THANK YOU FOR REBIRTHING ME.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I'M TURNED ON BECAUSE SHE'S NAKED

OR BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ME.

[laughter]

I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF THIS WOMAN.

DANCING NAKED IN THE RAIN IS QUITE INVIGORATING.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FEED YOUR SOUL

AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GO DANCING NAKED IN THE RAIN.

[laughing creepily]

- HURRY UP!

- SHUT UP! IT'S STILL MY TURN!

MOTHER NATURE, THANK YOU FOR REBIRTHING ME.

THE HARDEST PART ABOUT DOING THAT BIT

IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN WAS MY PENIS.

OH, THAT'S TOO FAR.

ARE YOU GUYS FAMILIAR WITH THE SUBWAY DIET?

EAT FRESH.

[audience groans]

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT THAT TRAIN IS GOING DOWNTOWN!

OH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

HE'S NOT MUGGING HER, ANDHE'S GOING DOWN ON HER?

STEREOTYPES BUSTED.

IN FAIRNESS, THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING THEY HAVE

TO A BEDROOM.

THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER USE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

BLACK GUYS WILL [bleep] YOU OUT.

[laughter]

LOOKS LIKE THE MISS CARRIAGE PAGEANT IS UNDERWAY.

[cheers and applause]

THE JUDGES HAVE THEIR WORK CUT OUT FOR THEM.

THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME TALENT--

RUINING A MAN'S LIFE AND THEIR VAGINA.

YEAH, I'M SURE THAT TATTOO'S GONNA BOUNCE RIGHT BACK.

WHAT'S NEXT?

DOES PROGRESSIVE HAVE RASCAL INSURANCE?

SOMETHING TELLS ME HE'S NOT GONNA WALK AWAY FROM THIS ONE.

ZLET'S WATCH OLD DEAD LEGS GET THE SHAFT

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T BLAME HER FOR HITTING THE "DOOR CLOSE" BUTTON.

SOMETIMES ITS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

TO SHARE AN ELEVATOR WITH A HANDICAPPED PERSON.

HE TRIED TO SQUEEZE THROUGH THERE AT THE LAST SECOND

LIKE INDIANA JONES AND THE CRIPPLE OF DOOM.

BUT HE'S BEEN DISRESPECTED.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE DISRESPECTS YOU IN ASIA?

YOU GO KAMIKAZE ON THEIR ASS.

WHOA, BUDDY, I LIKE WHERE YOUR HEAD'S AT,

BUT WHEN GOD TOOK YOUR LEGS, HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU A FREE PASS

TO DESTROY MALL PROPERTY.

WHY IS HE IN A RUSH?

NO ONE'S GONNA YELL AT THE GUY WHO CAN'T WALK

FOR BEING FIVE MINUTES LATE.

BONZAI!

WHOOPS. HE ACTUALLY NEEDED TO GO UP.

DO SCOOTERS HAVE AIR BAGS?

I'M JUST GLAD HE SHOWED THE WORLD

THAT HE IS"HANDICAPABLE" OF PLUNGING TO HIS DEATH,

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANTOINE DODSON,

BUT FIRST, IT'S OUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

- THE NEXT ONE BEHIND THAT COULD AFFECT US

LATER IN THE WEEK.

THIS IS HOW IT LOOKS TOMORROW-- GETTING SOME STEAMY AIR.

TEMPERATURES ARE GOING TO BE A FEW DEGREES HIGHER TOMORROW.

[applause]

- WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE A RAPIST IN LINCOLN PARK.

HE'S CLIMBING IN YOUR WINDOWS.

HE'S SNATCHING YOUR PEOPLE UP, TRYING TO RAPE 'EM.

SO Y'ALL NEED TO HIDE YOUR KIDS,

HIDE YOUR WIFE, AND HIDE YOUR HUSBAND,

BECAUSE THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY OUT HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME AND CONFESS THAT YOU DID IT.

WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR YOU. WE GONNA FIND YOU!

I'M LETTING YOU KNOW NOW.

SO YOU CAN RUN AND TELLTHAT,HOMEBOY!

- THAT'S ANTOINE DODSON, AND HE HATES RAPE.

INSTEAD OF CRYING IN THE SHOWER FOR THREE HOURS,

HE FOUGHT BACK.

RAPE IS AN AWFUL CRIME.

BUT THE FACT IS, WITHOUT RAPE,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS GREAT VIDEO.

PLUS, TORI AMOS WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO SING ABOUT.

I'D NEVER WANT TO BUY A DUKE LACROSSE T-SHIRT,

AND THERE'D BE NO LAW & ORDER: SVU

FOR YOUR PARENTS TO WATCH WHILE YOU'RE UPSTAIRS

TRYING TO RAPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

BASICALLY, THERE ARE FOUR KINDS OF RAPE.

YOU HAVE YOUR TRADITIONAL SCARY RAPE,

WHICH SEEMS TO HAPPEN ONLY TO JOGGERS.

SO IF YOU WANT TO STAY SAFE,

KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE CARDIO.

THEN THERE'S PRISON RAPE, WHICH INVOLVES CRIMINALS,

SO IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.

NOW, DATE RAPE IS THE POLITEST RAPE OF THEM ALL.

BUT IT WOULD HAPPEN WAY LESS OFTEN

IF DOCTORS WOULD JUST STOP PRESCRIBING THE DATE-RAPE DRUG.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, STATUTORY RAPE,

WHICH CAN BE VERY CONFUSING, BECAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST,

WOMEN NEVER LOOK THEIR AGE.

15 OR 57, WHO CAN TELL?

I DON'T WORK AT A GOD DAMN CARNIVAL!

AND EVERY PLACE IS DIFFERENT.

IN THESE STATES, THE AGE OF CONSENT IS 16.

BASICALLY, IF YOUR STATE CAN'T WAIT FOR PRESIDENT PALIN,

IT'S A SAFE BET YOU CAN LEGALLY BANG A HIGH-SCHOOL SOPHOMORE.

BUT FOR YOU REAL PERVERTS, IN MEXICO IT'S 12.

SO BOOK YOUR FLIGHTS TODAY.

[laughter]

I'VE NEVER BEEN RAPED.

BUT I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE SOMEWHERE BY SOFIA COPPOLA,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE EXPERIENCE IS EQUALLY HORRIFIC.

I KNOW I'D BE A TERRIBLE RAPIST.

I STRUGGLE WITH A CONSENTING FEMALE.

SO IF YOU'RE SQUIRMING AROUND AND THROWING ELBOWS,

TRUST ME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE SAFE.

BUT IN THE END, RAPE IS JUST THE WORD "PEAR"

ALL JUMBLED UP.

I LOOK AT RAPE THE SAME WAY I LOOK AT HIV.

IF YOU PLAY GUARD FOR THE LAKERS,

IT WON'T AFFECT YOU.

ANTOINE VOWED TO CATCH HIS SISTER'S RAPIST,

BUT GOT CAUGHT UP IN BECOMING FAMOUS

AND NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,

THE SOUL-RAPE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD,

TO FINISH THE JOB IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

[laughing wildly]

[imitating Antoine] OH, THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY!

THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY!

[normal voice] HOW ARE YOU? - HEY...

- DANIEL. - HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, ANTOINE.

I INVITED YOU TO THIS PARK, BECAUSE,

WHILE BEAUTIFUL BY DAY, AT NIGHT,

THERE ARE MORE UNSOLVED RAPES PER SQUARE ACRE

THAN ANYPLACE IN THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES.

YEAH. [woman screaming]

OH, SHE'S GONNA GET RAPED.

HAD I KNOWN YOU WERE GONNA WEAR YOUR [bleep] STRAIGHT,

I WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

- I KNOW, BUT AT IS JUST SO HOT.

- YOU LIKE IT? - I LIVE FOR THAT.

- NOW, WHERE WAS THAT VIDEO?

- THE VIDEO WAS IN HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA,

IN LINCOLN PARK.

- HOW QUICKLY DID YOUR LIFE CHANGE AFTER THAT?

- THE SITUATION HAPPENED JULY 28TH,

AND AUGUST 1ST THE WHOLE WORLD KNEW US.

- WHAT KIND OF OFFERS WERE YOU GETTING?

- I WAS GETTING OFFERS LIKE, "YOU COME ON THIS SHOW,

WE'LL GIVE YOU $10,000."

OR, "YOU DO THIS, AND WE CAN GIVE YOU $15,000.

"OH, IF YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT,

WE'LL GIVE YOU $14 MILLION." AND I WAS, LIKE--

- WAIT, WAIT. I WOULD HAVE SIGNED THE ONE

THAT SAID $14 MILLION.

- I MEAN, I WOULD HAVE SIGNED IT, TOO,

IF I HADN'T WENT TO SCHOOL FOR BUSINESS.

SO IT'S LIKE, WELL, YOU KNOW,

WE NEED LAWYERS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?

- THEY KNOW I'M OPENLY GAY.

THAT'S MAINLY WHAT I WANTED TO GET OUT.

- THAT YOU'RE GAY? I THINK PEOPLE KNEW THAT

ABOUT ONE SECOND INTO YOUR VIDEO.

- NO. THAT IS SO STEREOTYPE. - OF COURSE IT IS.

- I KNOW A LOT OF FEMININE GUYS WHO'S NOT GAY.

- NO, YOU DON'T.

- TELL ME HOW THE AUTO-TUNE THE NEWS GUYS

CAME TO YOU TO MAKE A SONG.

- THEY CAME AT ME WITH, LIKE,

A LITTLE 30-SECOND CLIP OF THE SONG,

AND I LISTENED TO IT, AND I WAS, LIKE,

"IS SOMEBODY TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF MY FAMILY?

LIKE, I HATE THIS. THIS IS SUCH TRASH."

BUT LISTENING TO IT AFTER A WHILE, OVER AND OVER,

I'M, LIKE, "WOW, IT REALLY DOES SEND A POSITIVE MESSAGE.

IT'S LIKE AN ALERT."

- HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE OFF OF IT?

- ALMOST 300,000 COPIES WERE SOLD,

AND WE WERE SELLING IT AT $1.29, SO...

- OH, THAT'S THE PREMIUM-- THE iTUNES PLUS, THE $1.29.

- YEAH. - NO 99 CENTS FOR YOUR STUFF.

- MM-MM.

- THE ONLY THING THAT I QUESTION IS

"HIDE YOUR HUSBANDS."

ARE HUSBANDS REALLY GETTING RAPED?

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SO.

- [laughs] OH, MY GOD.

HUSBANDS ARE REALLY GETTING RAPED.

- THEY RAPE HUSBANDS IN THE SOUTH?

THAT'S WHY I WON'T GO TO THE SOUTH.

- IF HE IS 5'2", THEY IS GONNA GET HIM.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU KIND OF GOT CAUGHT

WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN LAST TIME.

LET'S GO LEARN HOW TO BE PROACTIVE, NOT...

- REACTIVE.

- I WAS GONNA SAY RAPED, BUT I LIKE YOURS BETTER.

OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, NANCYS, STOP THE STRETCHING.

STOP THE STRETCHING RIGHT NOW! - I DON'T WANT TO PULL ANYTHING.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO STRETCH IN AN ALLEY

WHEN YOU'RE GETTING RAPED.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA STRETCH IN MY CLASS.

PULL A HAMMY, THAT'S ON YOU.

SO LISTEN UP.

FIRST THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING RAPED

IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO

WHEN BEING RAPED IS YELL, "HELP, I'M BEING RAPED."

YOU WANT TO YELL SOMETHING LIKE, "HELP, I'M ON FIRE."

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A RAPE. PEOPLE LOVE A GOOD BONFIRE.

WHAT WOULD YOU YELL WHEN BEING RAPED?

- FREE DOUGHNUTS! - YOU COME IN HERE, SIR.

THIS IS GREG. HE'S GOING TO TRY TO RAPE YOU.

- HOW IS HE GONNA RAPE ANYBODY WITH ALL THAT STUFF ON?

- WE'RE GONNA USE OUR IMAGINATION ON THIS, ALL RIGHT?

THREE OPTIONS-- EYES, THROAT, TESTICLES.

ANTOINE, GET UP HERE. - MESS HIM UP. MESS HIM UP.

MESS HIM UP! MESS HIM UP!

- GET HIM. - UNH!

- OH! - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ENOUGH, THAT'S ENOUGH. YOU GOT HIS BALLS.

- FIRE. FIRE.

- EVERYONE GO AHEAD RIGHT NOW

AND LET'S BLOW OUR RAPE WHISTLE ON THE COUNT OF THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[slide whistle pitch going up and down]

- THEY WERE OUT OF REGULAR RAPE WHISTLES.

ALL RIGHT, ANTOINE, YOU ARE CLEARLY

THE GREATEST RAPE FIGHTING MACHINE

I'VE EVER COME ACROSS.

WE'VE LEARNED ALL WE CAN FROM THIS CRAZY LADY.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- I'M READY. LET'S GO.

- LET'S GO FIND US A RAPIST.

ANTOINE, THERE IS ONLY ONE PROVEN WAY

TO CATCH A RAPIST,

AND THAT'S WITH A RAPE TRAP.

- COOL. - YEAH.

NOW ALL WE NEED IS SOME RAPE BAIT.

- WHERE WE GONNA FIND RAPE BAIT?

- WELL, AT THIS HOUR WE'LL HAVE TO IMPROVISE.

- * HE'S CLIMBING IN YOUR WINDOW *

- OH, I'M ALL ALONE.

SURE GLAD I DON'T HAVE ANY PEPPER SPRAY ON ME.

MY SHOE'S UNTIED.

- THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.

ACT SEXY. LET IT OUT.

- HEY, BUDDY, NO MEANS YES.

WHY DON'T YOU POUR YOUR DNA RIGHT HERE.

WANT A LITTLE OF THIS?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THAT'S A GIRL. THAT'S FISH.

- BEAT IT, SLUT!

GO GET RAPED ON YOUR OWN CORNER.

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE MY SLEEPING PILLS.

ROHYPNOL, THE RAPE DRUG.

- * HE'S CLIMBING IN YOUR WINDOW *

- OH...

- THIS ONE LOOKS PROMISING.

WE GONNA FIND YOU!

- OH! PULL IT!

OW! OH...OH...

I'M BEING RAPED BY ROETHLISBERGER!

- [laughing]

RUN TELL THAT! WE CAUGHT THE RAPIST.

Y'ALL DON'T NEED TO HIDE YOUR KIDS,

HIDE YOUR WIFE, OR HIDE YOUR HUSBAND,

'CAUSE THEY AIN'T RAPIN' NOBODY ELSE OUT HERE.

[maniacal laughter]

- I'M STILL GETTING RAPED BY ROETHLISBERGER!

[cheers and applause]

SORRY, PITTSBURGH.

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO THAT

IF ROETHLISBERGER JUST ADMITTED

TO FUMBLING THE BALL IN THE END ZONE

AGAINST THE DOLPHINS IN WEEK SEVEN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, WE HAVE A WINNER.

[p.a. announcer loud and indistinct]

[audience groans]

- [grunts] WHEEEEEE...

- ANGRY BIRDS IS A VERY POPULAR iPHONE APP,

BUT I DON'T HAVE AN iPHONE.

SO I HAVE TO PLAY IT THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

WITH REAL PEOPLE AND DEAD BIRDS.

JOCELYN, COME IN HERE FOR A SECOND.

- AAH! - OOH!

- YEAH!

- CARDINAL.

[laughter]

- OH, MY GOD, I'M BLEEDING.

LOOK AT THAT.

I'M BLEEDING! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU [bleep] CUT ME.

WILL I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

- GOT YOU!

- I'M GLAD IT'S NICK AND NOT A GIRL.

HE BLED OUT.

AND I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT ALL THESE DEAD BIRDS

DROPPING FROM THE SKY.

I ASSUME IT'S M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN'S DOING.

IT'S A NEW SEASON, SO IT'S TIME FOR A NEW GAME

CALLED "IS HE RETARDED?"

[cheers and applause] YEAH.

OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED. LET ME EXPLAIN THE RULES.

THAT'S WHERE I SHOW YOU A CLIP,

AND YOU HAVE TO DECIDE IF THE PERSON IN IT IS RETARDED.

- [speaking foreign language]

- WELL? all: HE'S RETARDED!

- NO, HE'S NOT RETARDED.

THAT'S JUST HOW PEOPLE FROM FINLAND TALK.

BUT, DANIEL, WHAT ABOUT HIS CRAZY NOSE AND LACK OF TEETH?

THAT'S JUST A BIRTH DEFECT. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

HE'S ACTUALLY MAKING A VERY COGENT POINT

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF CHILDHOOD SMOKING.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY IS HE RETARDED?

[cheers and applause]

I STILL THINK HE MIGHT BE RETARDED.

SHOCKINGLY, WE DIDN'T GET RID OF

THE VIEWER VIDEO SEGMENT YET,

SO DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM MATT KECK.

- [hissing]

SNAKE.

I'M A SNAKE.

I'M A SNAKE!

I'M A SNAKE.

I'M A SLITHERY LITTLE SNAKEY SNAKE!

I WANNA SLITHER-- LOOK AT MY TONGUE.

BLEHH! BLEHH!

BLEHH! BLEHH!

BLEH! 'CAUSE I'M A SNAKE.

- GOD, I HOPE HIS NEIGHBORS ARE WATCHING THIS.

"THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING OVER THERE?"

ALL RIGHT, ON SECOND THOUGHT, THAT MIGHT BE A GREAT SEGMENT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MIND OF MENCIA.

DUH, DUH!

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- WELCOME BACK, CARL.

I JUST BLEW SOME HILLBILLY NAMED CARL'S MIND.

[laughter]

MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT WE LOST

THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD LAST WEEK.

NO SURPRISE. THE VOTERS FOR THAT AWARD ARE STUPID.

YES, I'M AWARE IT'S YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS ARE STUPID.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASKED WHAT I DID OVER THE BREAK.

I TOOK THE MOST VIOLENT [bleep] EVER.

[mysterious ninja music]

- WEE-YAAAAH!

[ninja whooping, grunting]

AAH!

- WEE-YAAAH!

[plop]

[pained groan]

[mysterious ninja music]

- [poorly dubbed voice] OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

THE IRONY.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME I TAKE A POOP IN KOREATOWN.

NEXT WEEK, I HANG OUT WITH THIS FREAK.

- GOOD DAY, MR. KUBRICK.

MY NAME IS BRIAN ATENE.

I AM A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM THE THEATER CENTER

OF THE JUILLIARD SCHOOL,

PERHAPS THE FINEST ACTING INSTITUTION IN THE WORLD.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CAME OUT AND SAW ME

ON THE TOSH TOUR 2010,

THE SINGLE-MOST PROFITABLE TOUR IN THE HISTORY

OF THE TOSH FRANCHISE.

MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO SEE MY NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL

HAPPY THOUGHTS, PREMIERING ON COMEDY CENTRAL MARCH 6th.

BE SURE TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER AT OUR FANCY NEW WEB SITE--

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND FINALLY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

A NEW WAY TO END THE SHOW THIS SEASON.

I USUALLY SAY "GOOD NIGHT,"

BUT THAT LACKS A CERTAIN PIZZAZZ.

THAT'S WHY I ASKED YOU, MY ESTEEMED TWITTER FOLLOWERS,

WHAT THE SIGN-OFF SHOULD BE.

[laughter]

"CAN'T TOSH THIS."

"COMEDY CENTRAL'S [bleep] TIMING PROBABLY CUT THIS GOOD-BYE

OFF YOUR TiVo."

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, PRETTY GOOD, BUT LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.

C U NEXT TUESDAY, YOU [bleep].

[cheers and applause]

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

- ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN THE PROJECTS?

- NO, I LEFT THE PROJECTS THE MOMENT THAT HAPPENED.

TOLD MY SISTER, "YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE."

- THAT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE. - IT WAS SCARY.

- WHAT ARE THE PROJECTS LIKE? I'VE ONLY READ ABOUT THEM.

- [laughs]

A LOT OF FIGHTING, A LOT OF VIOLENCE,

A LOT OF CRAZY STUFF.

PEOPLE GETTING THEIR HOUSE BROKEN INTO.

PEOPLE SNATCHING THEIR PEOPLE UP.

- I'M NOT A FAN OF ANY OF THAT.

- I'M NOT EITHER.

- ARE THE PROJECTS GAY-FRIENDLY?

- YEAH. ALABAMA, YEAH. - REALLY?

- THEY'RE REALLY GAY-FRIENDLY. - HUH.