All language subtitles for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - 03x04 - Hands!.WEBRip.x264-ION10.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Think about it.

Think about it. Las Vegas is
the true American melting pot,

proving that losing money
is the universal language.

Now I'm Jewish, I'm from New York,

and perhaps exotic to some of you,

so I thought it would be helpful
for me to present for you...

a primer to the Jewish people.

First of all, we are always
ready to talk about food.

Seeing you all eating
dinner, I just want

to ask what you're eating, if it's good,

and tell you what you
should have ordered.

Complaining.

This is big with us.

What repressing your
emotions is to WASPs,

complaining is to Jews.
It's second nature.

But the key is, the
complaints should never be

about big important things,
only little things like,

"It's hot out; this restaurant
is so far; the line is so long."

You know, things nobody
can do anything about.

Remember, you're not
trying to fix anything.

You're just trying to be heard.

Guilt is big with us,

and we use it wisely.

And it's not for
making yourself feel bad

about something you did.

It's for making someone else feel bad

about something they didn't do.

Jewish parents.

Yes.

Mm-hmm. Yell at your sons
for not eating enough,

yell at your daughters
for eating too much.

And there's the saying

often attributed to our
great prophet Abraham:

"Anything you can do...

isn't all that interesting to me."

That's it for me,

ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a great audience.

Thanks for listening. I'm Mrs. Maisel.

Oh. Thank you.

May I please introduce
the voice, the legend,

my dashing friend: Shy Baldwin.

- Good?
- Good.

- * They say that *
- Come on.

* Falling in love *

* Is wonderful *

* It's wonderful... *

Hello.

Hi. It's me. You guys
getting all my postcards?

I tack 'em on the wall
as soon as they come.

You got the one of the Pioneer
Club with the cowboy out front?

I knew Ethan would like it.

It's his favorite. He
read that one to me.

He read it? Out loud?

For the most part.
"Kvell" tripped him up.

Then he's not my son.

He did good. You'd have been proud.

Okay, but tell him he can't
grow up too much while I'm gone.

- He's got a mustache now.
- Make sure he trims it.

- And Esther's dating.
- Oh, good. Nice boy?

Kid she met in the park. A goy.

Is she trying to kill her mother?

They make sandcastles,
trade diaper tips.

You'll like him.

Is it too late to put Ethan on?

It's 1:00 in the morning.

- I know.
- Get your jacket.

- What?
- Meet us out front.

- Bring Susie if you want.
- What was that?

It was Shy. Sounds like
we're all going somewhere.

You are so big-time.

Give them both a kiss for me?

Will do. Get some rest.

Not easy in this town.

Place your bets... craps,
yo-eleven, hard ways.

So a buck each on the hard ways.

And odds on my pass line bet.

Just set your chips down.

- Got it.
- Dice are out.

- Hands!
- Jesus Christ! You scared the livin' crap out of me!

- Well, keep your hands up!
- He told me to put my chips down!

- I've got the dice!
- My hands are up!

- I'm gonna roll!
- Then roll, you stupid old

expositional fake cowboy guy. Geez.

Hey, the band's going
somewhere. Come on.

- I'm in the middle of something here.
- They're waiting.

Miriam, I've got a bunch
of money on the table.

We're in the middle of a great roll.

- I can't just...
- Seven out, line away.

- Seven out.
- Aah!

Damn it! Come on.

Okay, so I'm not saying
you caused that to happen,

but we were doing
great, then you got here,

and he rolled a seven,
so you kind of did.

- You won something.
- I didn't win, I lost.

But, Susie, you're
walking away with chips.

No, when you come with chips,
and you leave with less chips,

- you lost, you didn't win.
- So seven's bad?

Yeah, seven's bad.

Ready, drivers?!

Go!

- Look at 'em go!
- Like a rocket!

Yo, Shy. Incoming.

Thanks, Billy.

You driving tonight, boss?

As if Reggie would let me.

Reggie's tending to his
mother. He ain't here.

Oh, but he's always here.

Hey, Henry, do your Reggie for us.

Tell us what he'd say if
he was out here tonight.

Okay, now listen up.

I am in charge of these vehicles.

They are not to be scratched,
dented or nicked in any way.

Same goes for Shy.

He's not to be scratched,
dented or nicked.

He won't want you flooding
my carburetor, either.

The rest of you... who cares?

I can always get me another horn
player, but I only got one Shy.

Please don't tell him I did that.

Track's clear.

Ready, drivers?

- Five bucks on green.
- Five on yellow.

Go!

Come on, green! Go
all Ben-Hur on his ass!

- Buy you a beer?
- Please.

Monica's not into drag racing, huh?

Mm, she's a little tired tonight.

Of gazing at you adoringly?

She's never tired of that before.

Mm. She's a sweet kid.

- And what's your deal?
- My deal?

Who you got that would glare
at me if they saw us talking?

I mean, besides your racist uncle.

So besides Uncle Yakov?

No one at the moment.

Okay. I'm gonna file that away.

Pay up, pal. Pay up.

My last five.

So when are you getting in one of these?

- Who, me?
- Yeah, take a shot.

I did before. It's a once-in-a-lifetime.

Especially if it kills you.

You'll never get this chance again.

Isn't it dangerous?

You're not Shy, you're not a musician,

you're not a vehicle. You're expendable.

Not really an answer to my question.

Bet you the five you can't win.

You gonna try to talk me out of it?

- Hell, no.
- Then what the hell. I'm in.

Crunch! Line 'em up!

Keep your arms loose, but
your hands tight on the wheel.

Loose arms, tight wheel.

And don't floor it all
at once, or it'll flood.

Even pressure to the pedal
till it hits the floor.

Got it.

You're okay?

Was it tight arms or loose arms?

- You want some dirt?
- Why would I want that?

Buzz asked Natalie Wood for some
dirt, and she gave it to him,

and he rubbed his hands
with it, then she bent down

and gave him a sexy, three-part kiss,

and then she checked on James Dean,

and he asked her for some
dirt, but it kind of felt like

he was just asking 'cause Buzz got some,

and he saw that sexy three-part kiss.

Miriam! I do not need
the whole fucking plot

- to Rebel Without a Cause.
- Okay.

- I've seen the film.
- We gonna do this?

All right, guys. Susie's rarin' to go!

Hey, if Luther's
around, could you ask him

what part of me should be loose?

Hit your lights!

The lights are already on! Geez!

Go!

How did Natalie Wood do it?

Abe!

- Moishe? What is it?
- Oh, my God.

It's your car. It's blocking mine.

- My car?
- Get up. You got to move it.

- What time is it?
- It's four after 5:00.

Four after 5:00? In the morning?

And I'm late. Come on. Get a move on.

- Oh, my leg is asleep.
- You both wear pajamas?

- What, are you girlfriends?
- Where are my slippers? Oh.

Shirl and me, we sleep in the buff.

It's healthier, freer. Warmer, too.

Where'd I put my robe?

- Skin on skin, as God intended.
- Oh.

- Come on, chop-chop.
- I am.

Can you pick up the pace?

- I'm going as fast as I can.
- I better call in.

They worry when I'm late.

Shirl, call work! Tell
'em someone made me late!

- You got it, toots!
- All those people worried sick.

They depend on me.

You told me I could
park in the driveway.

But not block my car.

Do you remember me saying
you could block my car?

I do not remember saying
you could block my car.

I don't dare block it again, Moishe.

I'm really hoping you're
not leaking oil, Abe.

The stains are hell to get out.

I don't think I'm leaking oil, Moishe.

Abe! Abe! Whoa!

Almost hit the milkman.

- Sorry.
- Man survived Normandy Beach

only to get backed over by Abe Weissman.

- I didn't see him.
- Not a great way

to ingratiate yourself
to the neighborhood, Abe.

Killing the milkman.

Strange flying objects
in the sky are older

than the United States.

Some of them reported
in scientific journals...

Shirley?

- Shirley!
- Yes, Rose!

- Can I turn the TV off?
- No. Keep it on.

But you're listening to the radio!

This is the news so I can stay informed!

And I never miss The Today Show.

They have a monkey... J. Fred Muggs.

He's such a funny monkey.

Are those onions?

Onions and chicken skin for my schmaltz.

Do you have to do that now?

I can't make a schmaltz
in my own kitchen?

Is that what you're saying?

It's just a little early
for such a strong smell.

Why is the TV on when the radio is on?!

Because of the monkey!

- The what?!
- J. Fred Muggs!

- Who!?
- He's a monkey!

Have some bread, Abe!

Zelda burned the first
batch, so I made some for you.

I didn't burn the toast.

I just asked where the toaster was.

I'm going to eat my toast upstairs!

J. Fred Muggs is on!

I'm coming with you, Abe!

He's wearing shoes!

Dance, monkey! Dance!

Sh... should I watch the onions!?

Mrs. Maisel?

Dr. Barbara Moore completes
an emphatic demonstration

about the equality of the sexes...

Can I be in here with you?

... nuts, honey, milk
and natural juices.

The
56-year-old...

... cheered on by all
of Britain completes...

This has been the
longest month of my life.

We've been here a week.

A girl could get used to this.

This is really how it works?

Just sits on your face,
like a French whore?

- Yup.
- Oh. I look like the Bride of Frankenstein.

Let me even it out it a bit.

This reminds me of those
lazy Bryn Mawr Sundays

when Petra, Janie, Marcie and
I would shake up some cocktails

and dish on boys and treat
ourselves to a beauty regimen.

Mm. Sounds fun. Where's the gang now?

Uh, Janie's a housewife in Pittsburgh,

Marcie teaches high school English,

and Petra raises chickens
in the Hudson Valley.

- You thought I was serious?
- You're all set.

Now sit, relax and
let it work its magic.

Mine's done.

I think I'm cured now,
or beautiful or whatever.

- Do not take that mask off.
- I'm suffocating!

You have to leave it
on for half an hour.

Not in a million years!

Fine. Let the desert sun
turn you into an old hag.

I'm a manager. Nobody cares
what the fuck I look like.

Susie, envelope.

The guys said to look
out for the envelope.

Open it. Open it!

Don't rush me. Don't rush me.

I'll get a paper cut.

Oh, Sweet Jesus, there it is.

Two weeks' pay.

They took taxes out of it.

It's got the casino logo on it. Neat.

Guess I'm gonna have
to start paying taxes.

- We should frame this.
- Then we can't cash it.

Think about it. When I'm
making ten grand a show,

this check won't mean anything,

and it'll be a terrific souvenir.

When you're making ten grand a show,

I'm gonna be so whacked
out on vodka and opium,

nothing's gonna mean anything.

And I'll be there to pull
you out of the gutter.

So, how do we do this?
Put it in your account?

No. No. You take care of the money.

I get money, I spend money.

Then I will do the money.

Hmm. It's a little short.

- Really?
- Not by much.

It's close, but it's definitely short.

- Who do we talk to?
- You don't talk to anybody.

I will talk to Angie before I go.

Go? Go where?

New York. Just for a day
or two. It won't be long.

Sophie stuff?

I said I wouldn't say.

And I said I wouldn't mind, and I don't.

You're kicking ass every night.

And I'll be back before you know it.

Let me hold it while you get ready.

Don't get face junk on it.

Hi. Is this Angie's office?

- Yep.
- He in?

I represent the showroom comic,

and we have a little
problem with our check.

He's in.

Would, uh, he have time to see me?

Well, he's in with somebody.

He can see you after.

Thanks.

Oh, this arthritis is
really slowing me down.

You're better than me.

Hey, Bobby Darin.

Angie knows Bobby Darin?

Mr. Calibresi knows everybody.

Okay, but let me just explain.

After everything we've done for you?

For your clients?

The Stardust of all places?

Where's your gratitude, Gordy?

You owe me a little gratitude, I think.

Yes, I d... Yes, I do.

Vic Damone is mine.

- Yes?
- Yes, Angie, yes.

That's a good answer.

You look like shit.

Clean yourself up and
get the hell out of here.

Susie!

- I didn't know you were here.
- I'm not.

I mean, I am, but I don't have to be.

- And you seem busy.
- What, for you?

Never. Come on, get in here, you.

Come on.

Take a load off. Have a seat.

- Here?
- Sure.

Thank God.

So, your girl.

- What about her?
- She's been on fire.

I haven't missed a show.
Last night, I came to see her.

Left before Shy. Don't tell Shy.

Snitch? No, I wouldn't
do that. You can trust me.

The way she makes changes to that act

- from night to night...
- She'll stop doing that.

No, it's so skillful. I love it.

Then she'll keep doing it. I'll
make her do it if she won't.

So, what can I do for you?

Nothing. Everything's good.

There's a problem with her check!

No, there's not. No, there's not!

She told me there's a problem!

There's no problem!

I think the arthritis
is affecting her memory.

Is that the check? Let
me see it. Is it short?

No. In fact, it might be
over. I-I might owe you money.

Let me see that.

We've had some bookkeeping
problems lately,

checks coming up short.

I think this is short.

- Margaret!
- Yeah?!

Tell one of the guys to bring
the head of payroll here!

- No, it's okay!
- Bring him here! I want to show him!

Oh, you meant bring all
of him, not just his...

I mean, I misunderstood.

You know what? This is an easy fix.

You can stay until he gets here.

I've got a plane to catch.

But you go ahead and keep that

and do whatever you want with it,

and I will see you later, Angie.

Okay. No problem. Hey!

She's on fire, your girl.

Yuppers. I'll keep stoking those flames.

Okay. Thank you so much, Ange.

No problem. Anytime.

Who taught you how to work with plaster?

My Aunt Mabel.

Never married, grip like a vice.

These are her coveralls.

You both shared that trim figure.

I should have all this
done by tomorrow night.

Then we can start sanding and smoothing.

No. Arch, take a night
off every once in a while.

Imogene must be having a fit.

Hey. Who's the king of the castle?

Who's the top dog in the pack?

Who's the capo di tutti capi?

- Imogene.
- Yeah.

But you're a close second.

Damn.

Fuse again?

Be right back.

Hey, guys. Just me.

Now, remember,

every time you guys plug
in that electric percolator,

I'm sanding in the dark.

Thanks, Jiao-long.

We'll figure this out eventually.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Says she knows you?

You guys should officially meet.

Arch, this is Mei.

Mei's the building's, uh...

person girl.

I see.

I'm Archie, Joel's friend boy.

Nice to officially meet you.

I brought you something.

- What's this?
- Patience.

- It's a surprise.
- You usually don't wait

for a surprise.

That's why it's a surprise.

Oh, a jukebox.

A jukebox.

- It's fantastic.
- It's a beaut.

How much is it gonna set me back?

It's free.

My uncle had it in his bowling alley,

and he sold the alley.

- Good deal.
- And it works?

Just listen.

This is one of my favorites.

This isn't English.

Archie's kind of an amateur linguist.

They're all Chinese.

Well, surprisingly, my uncle's Chinese.

I kind of like it.

It grows on you.

See?

So, what's the song about?

Oh, it's the usual stuff.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl,

girl buys knife with 12-inch blade,

boy loses thumb,

boy loses hand.

I like Rosemary
Clooney's version better.

You're right. It's growing on me.

Thanks for dropping by.

Thanks for the dip.

- And thank your uncle for me.
- Who?

Nice to meet you, Archie.

Likewise.

- What?
- Nothing. Just...

Nice person girl.

Yeah.

Be right back.

Jiao-long, you're killing me!

- Rose?
- Shirley.

It's laundry day. Up, up!

- Laundry day?
- It's 5:00 in the morning.

- Are these dirty?
- Those are clean.

- Where's the dirty?
- In the closet.

And I need your sheets. Chop-chop.

- What sheets?
- These sheets?

I have to wash your sheets.

- I'm using the sheets!
- Come on.

It's laundry day. Let's go.

- Chop-chop.
- No!

You don't sleep in the buff?

I get up at 4:30 every day.

Do you know how much you can accomplish

getting up at 4:30 every day?

No one's bothering you
at 4:30 in the morning.

It's dark. It's quiet.

No one's calling you on the telephone.

- One more, Shirl.
- Here you go.

Believe me, if there's
anything you want to get done

that you don't want
anyone else to know about,

you get up at 4:30 in
the morning to do it.

I knew this fella out of
Jersey. Cement business.

He always said if you
want to kill someone,

you do it at 4:30 in the morning.

But it's Saturday.

What's that, Abe? It's
a little noisy in here.

It's Saturday!

Saturday? Saturday is a random day.

What is a Saturday?

It's the Lord's day of rest.

What is a weekend? Weekends
are a man-made construct.

- You ever been robbed?
- Here you go.

Keep 'em coming.

Not me. I've never been robbed.

When you're up at 4:30 in the morning,

they can't come take your
stuff because you're awake.

You see 'em coming.

If you're asleep, you won't know.

If you sleep late, your stuff's gone.

4:30 is why I still
have a TV and a radio.

- Come in.
- Come in, Zelda.

- * A-B-C-D-E-F-G *
- It's remarkable.

- * H-I-J-K *
- 7:30. Can you believe it?

- * L-M-N-O-P *
- They want to sleep till 7:30.

- * Q-R-S *
- Let 'em sleep till 7:30, Pop.

- * T-U-V *
- 7:30 is practically 8:00,

- which is basically lunchtime. It's the whole day!
- * W-X *

- * "Y" and "Z" *
- And they wouldn't even let your mother

change their sheets.
They'd rather lie there

- in their own filth.
- * Now I've sung my ABCs *

You got to respect
people's choices, Pop.

* Tell me what *

* You think of me. *

All right, I'll tell you.
I think you're a genius.

- Now put your father on.
- * A-B-C-D-E-F-G *

- Not again, Ethan. Honey, please.
- * H-I-J-K *

- That's four times already.
- * L-M-N-O-P *

- * Q-R-S *
- * Know your ABCs *

- Yay! Now put Daddy on.
- * T-U-V *

- I've got to talk to Midge.
- Okay, put him on.

- She know about her parents' narcolepsy?
- * "Y" and "Z." *

- There's money in it for you.
- Good job, buddy.

Pretty neat, huh?

My son needs to learn
when to leave a stage.

Imogene taught him that
song. He's very proud.

All those bags go

- with the kids.
- I got it, I got it.

Just getting them ready to
go with the grandparents.

Oh, that'll be fun for them.

Hey, you check in with
Abe and Rose lately?

'Cause I think my parents
are driving them batshit.

- "Think"?
- I keep looking for SOS flares

to shoot up out of the Queens sky.

So, what are you doing
while the kids are with them?

Leaves you a free man.

I'm working on the club.

Waiting for a liquor license miracle.

How about coming out to Vegas?

I can't come out to Vegas.

Why not? You've always wanted to.

It's a town full of
clubs. It'll be research.

- You can write it off.
- Uh, I don't know. Maybe.

And you can see me perform.

You've only ever seen me that one time,

that one awful time.

You don't talk about me, do you?

Nope. I've got my Vegas set now,

and it's going like gangbusters.

Come on, check the flights.

- Well...
- * A-B-C-D *

- * E-F-G. *
- All right, all right.

I'll check the flights.

Whoa.

Hey. Look what the cat dragged in.

This looks really sharp.

I think the rug really helps
define the bedroom area.

And it looks bigger.

That's what happens when you tidy.

Tidiness makes things look bigger.

And what's that smell?

Lilacs in water.

It's not only seasonal.
It's sensational.

So, how's Midge? How's she doing?

She's kicking ass.

I just came back for
a couple of meetings.

Ah, hell. My blazer's wrinkled to shit.

Not to worry.

Wow. I should let you
move in more often.

Just give me a second or
two for the iron to warm up.

And I have to pee.

Same place. Behind the privacy curtain.

Privacy curtain. Unbelievable.

I would like to do
something with your hair.

Maybe a chignon.

Holy shit, you put in a bidet.

Bernie Zucker. Howie Stapleman.

- Yeah.
- That's us.

Susie Myerson

of Susie Myerson and Associates.

Management firm.

- Okay.
- Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for coming?
- We're waiting on someone else.

- Katharine Hepburn?
- Yeah, Katharine Hepburn.

Truth be told, that was me on the phone.

- You...
- Hello, Bernie?

What's say we do The
Rainmaker on the old Broadway.

- The hell is this?
- Let's go, Bernie.

No, guys. Please, listen.
Look, people say you two

are the hottest producers
on Broadway right now,

and I have a client that you are
gonna flip over, hand to heart.

- Really.
- Yeah. Really.

Yale drama school. Tons
of experience on stage.

Adoring crowds. She knows
Elia Kazan intimately.

She comes with a built-in audience.

We're listening.

She's never done
Broadway, but she's ready.

You'd be very lucky to scoop her up.

I got other meetings set.

- Okay. We'll bite.
- Who is it?

Sophie Lennon.

Sophie Lennon?

Yep.

It's not the name you were expecting.

Yeah. Yeah, it's very amusing.

- Oh, that is too...
- What... what part?

Miss Julie.

Oh, no, Strindberg?
Oh, my God. I can't...

- I am gonna be laughing till Passover.
- Yeah, okay.

Really, guys, I know comedy,
so I know nothing is this funny.

I can't even...

All right, stop it!

You had your laughs.

Now let's say we get down
to brass fuckin' tacks.

I can make you a lot of money.
You like money? I like money.

- Tell me you don't like money.
- We like money.

Yeah, we like money.

Yeah, I've seen your r�sum�s.

You're not exactly flawless.

One of you did some musical
about the Donner Party?

"The actors chewed the scenery

and then each other."

- I'm still sore.
- All right, look, I jotted down

some stats you might be interested in.

In the big markets, Sophie
can sell out a 5,000-seater

without breaking a sweat.

Now, last year she did two shows

in one night in Los Angeles
for a total of 6,500 people.

In the smaller markets, she can sell out

the biggest houses they have,

and they're beggin' for extra nights.

Now, if you can get just
a teeny-tiny percentage

of her rabid fans to come see this show,

you have a smash.

Either of you guys in
the market for a smash?

The funny little redhead, Carol Burnett,

she slayed 'em in Mattress.

Mm. Younger, though.

Sophie's got miles on her.

She's not bad looking.

Met her at a party in Oyster Bay.

Pretty full of herself, though.

She comes to this humbly, gentlemen.

She knows it's a stretch,
but she's up for it.

The guy part.

- Jean.
- It's big enough to draw a name?

- He's on every page.
- If you can get a name, someone big,

- someone to anchor this...
- Someone like...

- Gavin Hawk.
- Yes. Gavin Hawk.

Then this could work.

Gavin Hawk, yeah, he'd be great.

Yeah. Set up a meeting with him and you.

You bag him, we'll talk.

Great.

Let's get some food.

You do a pretty good Katharine Hepburn.

Oh, you should hear my Judy Holliday.

Excuse me, Mr. Maisel?

Uh, yes?

I was keeping an eye out for you.

- Oh, that wasn't necessary.
- When Angie Calibresi heard

that Mrs. Maisel had a guest coming,

he wanted you to be taken care of.

Take Mr. Maisel's bag to 407.

Uh, thanks.

Enjoy your stay.

I think I will.

Oh-ho-ho!

The lead story in the
paper's first issue

needs to grab people by
the neck and not let go.

- It needs to shout.
- In a barbaric yawp.

How about an interview with Fidel?

Castro? My God, that would be amazing.

- What's your connection to him?
- I don't have a connection.

We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door.

Or we connect with Che Guevara,
and Che gets us to Fidel.

How do you get to Che Guevara?

We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door.

Che seems even less approachable.

- But sexier.
- Yes, but I'm not sure

how that gets us to Che Guevara.

We go through Che's
friend, Alberto Granado.

How do we get to Granada?

We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door.

You know, Cuba is awfully humid.

I could write a piece on my landlord.

- What did he do?
- My toilet's been running for a week,

- and he's done nothing to fix it.
- That's fascist.

That's annoying. I don't know
that you could call it fascist.

- You try jiggling the handle?
- Turning it off with the valve

- at the base of the toilet?
- Every time I use it? That's a nightmare.

There has to be something between Che

- and your wonky toilet.
- Okay, fine.

But I'm not happy, and my client's

not gonna be happy, either.

We'll talk later.

Brace yourself, Abe. I got bad news.

- What, what is it?
- That was the D.A.

They're dropping the
charges against you.

- No!
- They're going through their files and dropping charges

for insignificant, victimless crimes.

- Yours was one of them.
- Insignificant?

No, we've got to fight this.

Abe, it's a tiny bit unorthodox

for a criminal defense attorney
to fight charges being dropped

- against his own client.
- Call the bastard back.

- Abe...
- Call him back!

Whatever you want.

We can go downtown, Abe,

occupy the D.A.'s office

till they make things right.

That's good. At the very least,

it's criminal trespass...
they'd have to arrest me again.

- It could become our lead story.
- It's the '60s, man.

Yeah, Frank. Kessler again.
Look, my client's pissed.

If you go through with
dropping these charges,

he's coming down with a
group to occupy your offices!

Yes, they are serious.

- They are not joking.
- Oh-ho.

- Okay, I'll ask. He wants to know when.
- We'll do it Tuesday.

- I can't Tuesday. I've got a dentist appointment.
- And I can't do Wednesday.

It's Zelda's birthday... we're
taking her to the Four Seasons.

It's supposed to be fabulous.
I can do Thursday morning.

It's supposed to rain on Thursday.

Traffic'll be a nightmare.

And I can only do Friday after 3:00,

- after piano.
- D.A.'s got to go, Abe.

- What's it gonna be?
- What's it gonna be?

Sir, we'll be occupying your
offices the week after next.

I believe we're talking Thursday,

probably between 10:00 and 1:30.

And one of us may
have to peel off early.

Good day.

Oh, yeah.

Che's gonna be no match for us.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the
Phoenician Hotel Showroom.

Please give a nice hand to funny lady,

Mrs. Maisel!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, this afternoon, I was...

Oh, my God. That's my ex-husband.

My ex-husband's here,
right there at that table.

He lives in New York. What...

No, I invited him to come.

It's fine.

Now, I promised him I
wouldn't talk about him,

but that just shows
he can't read a bluff.

If you see him at a poker
table after the show, go all in.

So, Joel Maisel was born
in a shtetl called Brooklyn.

Susie Myers.

Myerson.

He's ready for you.

Yes, come in,

come in!

Gavin, this is Susie Myerson.

- Bernie called about her.
- Ah, any friend of Bernie's.

- Come, sit, sit.
- Thank you.

Uh, nice to meet you, Mr. Hawk.

How'd the show go tonight?

A woman in row three coughed repeatedly

during my "Is this a dagger
which I see before me?" speech.

- Hate that.
- Otherwise, it went swimmingly.

- Good to hear.
- She died.

- Well, serves her right.
- It was either her or me.

Uh, so you know, I've
never seen Macbeth.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- You said the name.
- Macbeth?

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

What? Wha... what am I doing?

We never use that word in the theater.

- Superstition.
- I am so sorry.

Must be hard to do the play
if you can't say the word.

Now, I'm quite happy with my management.

I'm not in the market for anyone new.

It's nothing like that.

There's a play. We have
our leading actress,

and you would be perfect
for the other lead. The man.

And what, pray tell, is the play?

It's...

Can I say the title?

There is only one title
you cannot say, my dear.

- Miss Julie.
- Ah. Miss Julie.

And who is playing Julie?

- Sophie Lennon.
- Sophie Lennon?

- Yep.
- Put that on your plate?

What's this about a plate?

- She's a comedian.
- Ah.

A comedian. A farceur.

A wag.

Interesting. Trod the boards much?

- Uh...
- Has she acted?

At Yale, back in the day.

Newcomers can bring fresh
verve to a production.

Unencumbered by technique.

That is where I come in.

I would be the anchor.

You would be a terrific anchor.

A huge dead weight on the production.

That sounded wrong.

I meant that you would be, uh...

- Expensive?
- Absolutely.

Tell me.

Who is the greatest comedic star?

Uh, Jack Benny.

- Nope.
- Bob Hope.

Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie Chaplin. Yes,
I was gonna say that.

And who is the greatest dramatic star?

- You.
- Besides me.

- Peter O'Toole.
- Eh.

- Rex Harrison.
- Charlie Chaplin.

Right. I was gonna say that.

- See my point?
- Crystal clear.

Tragedy, comedy... all is one.

You heard I was expensive?

- I did.
- Tell Bernie...

I'll do it.

from the Belasco, and I have
great news, fantastic news.

I'm listening.

I think we have our Jean.

Really? Who?

Gavin Hawk.

Sophie? This is huge.

I mean, Gavin Hawk is one of
the biggest stars on Broadway.

I know who Gavin Hawk is.

- He's a great actor.
- He's an amazing actor.

And we got him. We got
Gavin Hawk. This is big.

I suppose so. It's just...

Just what?

What if I'm not sexually
attracted to him?

- What if you're not...
- He'd be the object

- of my desire, my Jean.
- Right.

There needs to be sexual attraction.

Sure.

Powerful sexual attraction.

And what if it's not there?

I don't know, you act it?

Act it. Easy for someone
standing in the wings to say.

Yes, I know I'm not the one
standing on stage, but...

Could you do a love scene
with Roy Rogers' horse?

- No.
- Well, there you go.

- But it's a horse.
- That you're not attracted to.

I'm not attracted to any horse.

Well, that's my point.
What if Hawk's a horse

that I don't want to have sex with?

Well, I would say that maybe
you should meet this horse.

Huh? You know? Maybe saddle him up,

see if he's someone you want to ride.

- Did he look trim?
- Pretty much.

- Trim butt?
- He was sitting the whole time.

I need a nice trim butt

to be attracted to a man.

Well, I'd say it was on the trim side.

It's a bit curvy.

It's... a couple of nice handfuls.

Could you feel

his magnetism, his machismo?

How? He's British!

Come on, Sophie, it's Gavin Hawk!

Gavin Hawk.

- Gavin Hawk.
- Mmm. Lower.

Gavin Hawk.

Lower.

- Lower.
- I'm getting off the phone now.

You were so amazing; you had
'em in the palms of your hands.

- I couldn't believe it.
- It was a good night.

They were eating it up.

Well, a bunch of them
were eating dinner.

But the crowd around me
stopped eating to watch you.

I do put people off their appetites.

Oh. There's Shy.

- Shy!
- No, Midge, don't.

- I want you to meet him. Shy.

- Hold this.
- Hurry back.

He was great. He was great!

His show was great.

- Hello, Midge.
- Shy, really quick,

I just wanted to introduce you

to my... ex-husband.

- Okay.
- I know, I explained it

in my set... you missed it.

But this is Joel.

Joel, Shy Baldwin.

Nice to meet you, Joel.

Nice to meet you, Mr.
Baldwin. Great show.

I mean, I wasn't your
biggest fan before tonight...

- Good to hear.
- No. I didn't mean it to sound

like I didn't like you before.

I liked you. But now it's, like, love.

I love you.

Joel, you're on the rebound.

Slow down, and let's
see where this goes.

I'm sorry.

That's very sweet.

And it's very nice to meet you.

- Same here.
- Thanks, Shy.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

I mean, uh, she will.

- I don't...
- Wow.

- I fell apart.
- You crumbled like a Lorna Doone.

You're opening for Shy Baldwin.

- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- I'm buying you a drink.

You're opening for Shy Baldwin!

Cherry lemon cherry. That
should've been something.

Lemon blueberry bell. That
should've been something.

Blueberry cherry jackpot.
That should've been something.

Lemon jackpot orange. That
should've been something.

These machines are actually good luck.

You're on Susie's... that's
paid out at least seven times.

You won!

- I won!
- You're a winner!

- Look at all those pennies!
- Get a cup.

Where do I get a cup?

I won! I need a cup!

He needs a cup!

Here...

You're joking.

- You're not joking?
- I'm not joking.

There's a gambling
parlor in your basement?

- Shh!
- We're buffered by dozens of rectangular states.

- They can't hear us.
- But if they knew I told you,

they would, like, maybe have me killed.

Or be disappointed in
me... that would hurt worse.

Chinese guilt is almost
as ancient as Jewish guilt.

- Hey. Look.
- Where?

The-the roulette table.
That's what's-her-name.

- Who's-her-name?
- The actress. From your movie.

- What's my movie?
- That movie, the super sexy blonde girl movie.

Pillow Talk?

Pillow Talk? No, that's Doris Day.

- You think Doris Day is sexy?
- She's wholesome sexy.

But the movie I'm talking
about is a good movie.

- I liked Pillow Talk.
- It's the one with the lady named Midge.

But this lady played the other lady.

She fell out of a tower.

The man saw her fall and went, "Aah... "

- Vertigo! Oh.
- Shh, shh, shh!

- That's the lady.
- That's Kim Novak?

That's Kim Novak.

That's what I'm saying.

She's playing roulette?

She's so elegant.
Should I go blonde again?

Oh, my God, Imogene
would die if she was here.

She'd just keel over and die.

- She dabbed her mouth.
- She's all kinds of human.

Kim Novak's lipstick is on that napkin.

Uh, if only I had a
big, strong man around.

You want the napkin?

- For Imogene.
- On it!

- Really?
- We'll never get this chance again.

We might. I run into her
at Zabars all the time.

But does she ever dab
her lipstick at Zabars?

Mm.

Joel.

Look at that.

Kim Novak's lips.

She smells good, too.

You smelled Kim Novak?

Hey. Two more.

Oh...

Shh.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

- Hoo, boy.
- Yeah.

I got Big Ben in my head.

Mm. What time is it?

Kill me o'clock.

Yeah.

Oh, great. Got an eight-ten split.

Mm. I've got cotton mouth.

Mine's glue.

Or cement.

I'll get us some water.

Or some paint thinner.

Oh, my God.

Some night.

Yeah.

Nice hotel.

Nice people, too.

- Here.
- Thanks.

Last night...

Yeah?

We saw Shy.

We played slots.

There's your bucket of pennies.

Kim Novak was playing roulette.

We stole her napkin.

You smelled her.

Then you bought drinks
for the whole lounge.

That was dumb.

Especially since they're free.

There's a chapel downstairs.

Right inside the hotel.

How do you know?

Did we... ?

No.

I think we...

No.

No, no, no.

Oh, boy.

- Is that a diamond?
- Glass.

Mama knows.

Hold on. Hold on.

I can't feel my tongue.

It's like I've had Novocain.

Seriously, we didn't go to
a dentist last night, did we?

We got married?

We got married.

Shit.

And we definitely
didn't go to a dentist?

Not unless you can get
married at the dentist.

Why in the world are you laughing?

You're right. This is serious.

We have so much to discuss.

Like our starter home.

Something in Westchester might be nice.

And where to honeymoon.

Niagara Falls is probably long booked.

- We could go on a cruise.
- Midge.

You should know I have kids.

From a previous marriage,
but I think you'll like them.

- Midge.
- And we should meet each other's parents.

- You're Jewish, right?
- How can they just let

two people drunk off their
asses get married like that?

I don't think they let you get
married here if you're sober.

This is not good.

This is paperwork and legal stuff.

We just got divorced.

Maybe this time we'll get a discount.

It's embarrassing.

People shouldn't know.
Don't tell Imogene.

- I won't.
- Or Archie. Or anyone.

It's not right, it's not good.

I've got a...

A what?

You've got a what?

I'm kind of seeing someone.

Oh. Y-You've got a girlfriend.

- She's not a girlfriend.
- A close friend who's a girl.

- I've got a headache.
- How serious?

- It's a bad fucking headache.
- The girl.

It's very new.

She's the first thing
that came to your mind.

- She wasn't the first thing.
- I won't tell her.

- If that's what you're worried about.
- You don't know her.

I mean, if I see you with her,
I won't tell her we got married

and I sure as hell won't
tell her we slept together.

Can she sharpen a pencil?

You're making this too big a thing.

And, yes, she can sharpen a pencil.

You know, you didn't have to come out.

I didn't mean to pry you away.

- You could've said no.
- Seriously, Midge?

- I'm not upset.
- We're divorced.

And this thing I have, I can't
even call it a relationship yet.

- Yes, you said.
- And I was not the first.

- You were the first.
- The first what?

You were engaged.

And I never gave you trouble.

I'm not engaged now.

No, because that would get in the way

of entertaining yourself on the road.

I beg your pardon.

Midge, come on.

No, no. What are you talking about?

- Shy Baldwin?
- Oh, come on.

You call his name, he
comes bounding up to you.

He's nice to everybody.

- Fans. Friends. Co-workers.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Then what about this.

Where are you going?

- Joel?
- Whose are these?

They're sure not yours.

They're Susie's.

I'll put 'em back.

I need to get back to
my room and get going.

- My flight's at noon.
- Okay.

I'll, uh...

I'll get into it with my lawyer.

And you should probably
do the same with yours.

I'll call him tomorrow.

I never asked you about the teddy bears.

They're my weird ask.

Okay.

Ow.

Hello?

Miriam. It's your father.

Papa, what is it? Are the kids okay?

The kids are fine. We're not okay.

We got into a huge fight
with Moishe and Shirley.

Over hanging the mezuzahs.

It almost came to blows.

Hey, Mama, could you speak
a little quieter, please?

- I've got this headache.
- She says you should be quiet.

- That's not what I said, Papa.
- Be quiet? How dare she?

- Tell her that's not what I said.
- I have a right to speak.

Why were you fighting about mezuzahs?

Moishe was hanging them wrong.

I told him the letter
Shin should be on top,

facing the doorway,
and he wouldn't listen.

So he was hanging them upside down?

And having Ethan help him.

My own grandson
learning to hang mezuzahs

- like a shmuck.
- He told us to butt out.

Really, Mama, could you back away

from the phone just a
smidge when you talk?

- She says you should back off.
- No, Mama, that's not what I said.

Miriam, this had been a bad enough day.

- I don't need you insulting me.
- I have a headache.

Papa, you're a terrible go-between.

Moishe elbowed me. With his elbow.

His big, bony elbow.

Just try to hang on a little longer.

This living with them is temporary.

* Shoo fly pie... *

Shirley's coming and she might be naked.

She walks around the house naked.

- We've got to go.
- * And your tummy... *

Oh, God.

Welcome, everyone, to
the Phoenician Hotel.

- 90 seconds.
- Thanks, Zack.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

Our show is about to begin.

Hey. I made it for "tits up." Great.

Lovin' this Vegas weather.

70 degrees in the dead of winter.

New York was freezing.

How've ya been? Everything good?

- I got married.
- Wait. What?

To Joel. We're married.

- Joel who?
- Joel who? You know who. Joel.

Your ex-husband? He's in New York.

- He came out to visit.
- Get out of here.

And we got married. And then we had sex.

You just got divorced.
I was there. I saw it.

The judge guy banged the gavel.

Don't think I'm happy about this.

You really couldn't hold it together

- for a few days, Miriam?
- You're supposed

to hold it together for
me, but you weren't here.

Now you're gonna blame
me for you fucking

your ex-husband and getting married?

Stop, stop.

I know. It was stupid.

It's not your fault.

We got drunk, it happened.

Look, this is just another
part of a manager's job.

Quickie divorces for drunk clients.

- I assume you want a divorce?
- Of course.

Don't want to break up the happy couple.

- Happy couple?
- Nothing.

Yeah, if you could help
with this, that'd be good.

- Hello, ladies.
- Angie, hi. What's up?

- Hi there, Angie.
- Just wondering how it's going.

Shows are winding down,
I'm gonna miss you guys.

Everything's going absolutely great.

Just great.

Uh, g-great is a good word to
describe how it's all going.

Excellent's good, too.

Good word, very good
word to describe it.

Stupendous.

- See you after.
- Thanks, Angie.

Your voice is all high.
Why's your voice all high?

Miriam, listen to me carefully.

Never sit in Angie's swivel chair.

Okay, I won't sit in
Angie's swivel chair.

We've both had enough of Vegas.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the
Phoenician Hotel Showroom.

- You gonna hang here?
- Uh, a... actually,

I'm gonna go call Reggie,
catch up on some things.

He's been very tough to get a hold of.

Work, work, work.

- But w... w... we'll meet up later.
- Great.

- Tits up.
- Tits up.

... our favorite funny
lady, Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so very much, everyone.

So, who here has ever
married her ex-husband?

Get those dice back to me quick, boys.

The hand is hot.

Everything's good.

Got a Broadway show going,
got my girl up on stage.

I'm raking in the chips.

Everything is definitely... Hands!

- What?
- Get your goddamn hands up.

- Sorry.
- Amateur.

Double up on everything, boys.

Hard eight, come on hard eight.

Hard eight!

- Yes!
- Yes!

Press the hard eight.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Come on.

Little something for the boys.

Let's go. Hard eight.

Fuckin' dice in my hand. Come on.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -