All language subtitles for Screwed.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

[VCR clicks and whines]

[squealing]

[rhythmic laughter]

[upbeat music]

*

- [yawns]

*

- * I KNOW IT'S YOU

* BABY, I DON'T MIND

* BUT I WON'T PICK UP

* PAY NO MIND

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS
LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY *

* YES, IT FEELS
LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY *

*

* SO MUCH BETTER

- YOU DON'T DO IT
FIVE TIMES A DAY, THOUGH.

LIKE, THAT'S A LIE.
- WELL, I TRY.

- HEY, GUYS.
- WILL.

YOU'RE WAY EARLY
FOR THE NEW STOCK.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN UNPACKED
THE BOXES YET.

- I JUST, UH--

I JUST NEED MONEY TO BUY A RING.

- [clears throat]

- A RING?

- YOU MEAN A RING, RING--
RING?

- YES, RING.

HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME?

- [clears throat]

- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.

- NO WOMAN

IS WORTH THE FIRST ISSUE
OF FANTASTIC FOUR,

AND YOU KNOW IT.

THIS IS A CULTURAL LANDMARK.

IT IS FUCKING ART,

AND YOU WANT TO SELL IT
TO BUY SOME COOZE A DIAMOND?

- SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
- HMM.

HAS SHE EVEN READ
FANTASTIC FOUR, HMM?

CAN SHE NAME ONE TEAM MEMBER?

[whispers] ONE?

- ABDUL, HOW MUCH?

- [whispering]
A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.

[scoffs]

- SO ARE WE IN BUSINESS?

- LET'S DO IT.

- ALL RIGHT.

[upbeat rock music]

*

[clattering and screaming]

- JEN?

JEN! JEN!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?

JEN!

JEN!

[grunts]

[suspenseful music]

- [screaming]
- I'M COMING, BABY.

[grunts]

[squeals]

[squeals and grunts]

JEN, I'M COMING, BABY!

I'M HERE.

RICKY SHREDDER, COME ON,
LET'S SAVE MOMMY.

*

- YEAH.

COME ON.

YEAH!
- JEN?

- [gasping]

OH, MY GOD, STOP.

- I HEARD SCREAMING.

IS HE HURTING YOU?

- OH, HEY.

- YEAH.

- OKAY.
- [sighs]

- SO SHOULD I JUST FINISH
INSIDE YOU OR WHAT?

YEAH, UH-HUH.
- UH-HUH.

[moaning and gasping]

[echoing moaning]

HEY, SWEETIE.

- HEY, JEN.

- HOW YOU FEELING?

- OH, GOD, I JUST HAD
THE MOST AWFUL NIGHTMARE.

I DREAMT THAT I CAME OVER HERE
AND HEARD YOU SCREAMING,

AND YOU WERE JUST BANGING THIS--

- GOT YOU THIS ICE PACK
FOR YOUR ANKLE.

- ASSHOLE!
- EASY, BRO.

- WILL.
- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

- OKAY,
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- I THINK IT'S YOU
HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER GUY.

PLEASE TELL ME
IF IT'S POSSIBLY ANYTHING ELSE.

- MM, NO, THAT--THAT WAS IT.

- FUCK YOU!
- OKAY, OKAY.

EVERYBODY TAKE IT
DOWN A NOTCH HERE, OKAY?

- WILL, IT WAS JUST SEX.

- WELL, IT WAS
SPECTACULAR SEX, REALLY.

I--I KNOW.

- SHUT UP.
- I--SPECTACULAR.

LOOK, TEMPERS ARE FLARING HERE,
AND EMOTIONS ARE RAW,

SO I THINK IT'S BEST MAYBE
IF I JUST LEAVE

BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING
OR DOES SOMETHING

THAT THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK.

- I HOPE YOUR DICK ROTS OFF.

- LIKE THAT.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA REGRET
THAT STATEMENT LATER,

BUT I ACKNOWLEDGE
YOUR RESENTMENT,

AND I ACCEPT IT.

CALL YOU LATER.
- OKAY.

- YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO KEEP THAT ELEVATED

WITH THE ICE
RIGHT WHERE IT IS THERE.

OKAY.

YOU ARE AN ANGRY LITTLE MAN.

[door clicks]

- OH, GOD,
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

- WILL, WILL, WILL,
PLEASE, JUST--

OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH STEVE.

- STEVE, HIS--HIS NAME IS STEVE.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S--

I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER
KNOWING YOU'RE--THERE'S--

YOU WERE JUST HAVING FUN
WITH STEVE.

THERE'S NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
TO STEVE.

- NO, OKAY, OKAY, BUT SEE,
THAT'S--THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
MISSING IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,

SOMETHING PHYSICAL,

AND YOU'RE JUST NOT GIVING IT
TO ME.

- WHAT DOES STEVE GIVE YOU
THAT I CAN'T?

- SCREAM.

HE MAKES ME SCREAM.

THE WAY YOU HEARD ME SCREAM,
THE WAY I--

I WANT TO SCREAM.

- THIS IS A SEX THING?
- YES.

- NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE TRYING TO--
YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT I CAN'T GIVE YOU--

- NO.

- THAT I'VE NEVER GIVEN YOU AN--
- NOT ONCE.

- YOU'VE HAD ORGASMS.

- NAH, I--I WAS FAKING IT.
- I'VE HEARD YOU.

NOT EVERY TIME.
- EVERY TIME.

YOU'VE ACTUALLY NEVER
HEARD ME CLIMAX,

NOT--NOT FOR REAL.

OKAY, WHAT YOU HEARD
BEFORE YOU CAME IN THAT ROOM,

THAT'S WHAT I SOUND LIKE.

GOD, I'M SO SORRY, WILL.

I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.

WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OKAY, COME ON, I LOVE YOU.
- BUT WHAT?

BECAUSE I DON'T PLUG YOUR OUTLET
THE RIGHT WAY,

YOU'RE GONNA THROW AWAY
A YEAR AND A HALF TOGETHER?

YOU--YOU--YOU COULDN'T TALK
TO ME ABOUT THIS,

GIVEN ME THE CHANCE TO IMPROVE?

- WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS
NUMEROUS TIMES,

AND YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN.

YOU IMPROVE FOR A DAY OR SO,

BUT YOU DON'T GET CLOSE
TO GETTING ME OFF.

AND THEN YOU GO BACK
TO HUMPING SO FAST,

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN
SOME SORT OF WORLD SPEED RECORD.

- OH, JESUS,
SO I'M TOO FAST TOO.

- YEAH.

- DID YOU HAVE
ANY OTHER CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

YOU'D LIKE TO GIVE ME
BEFORE WE PART WAYS?

- WELL, YOU KNOW
THAT HIGH-PITCHED NOSE WHISTLE

WHEN YOU'RE FINISHING?

IT DOESN'T DO YOU ANY FAVORS.

[sighs]

I'M SORRY.
YOU ASKED.

I...

- RICKY SHREDDER,
GO TO MOMMY.

- COME HERE.

- SIT.

RICKY SHREDDER,

TAKE CARE OF MOMMY.

- OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DID--

WHY DID YOU STOP BY TODAY?

- I CAME BY TO ASK YOU...

[chuckles]

TO ASK YOU IF YOU KNOW
WHO JOHNNY STORM IS.

- UH, THE SLEAZY WEATHER GUY
ON CHANNEL SEVEN?

- IT'S THE FANTASTIC FOUR.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

- WILL, I'M SORRY.

[bouncy percussive music]

*

- HEY.

- WHOA,
THERE'S MY NEWLY ENGAGED SON.

[laughing]

HOW'D SHE REACT?

COME ON, I WANT THE DETAILS.

- SHE SCREAMED

A LOT.

- YOU KNOW,
WHEN I PROPOSED TO YOUR MOTHER,

SHE WAS SO ECSTATIC,

SHE GAVE ME HUMMERS
EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A MONTH.

- GOD, DAD.
- NO, LISTEN.

BLOW JOBS GO THE WAY
OF BETA TAPE AND DRIVE-IN MOVIES

ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED,
SO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT.

- YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES?

- I NEED SOME SWEET NECTAR

TO ATTRACT A CERTAIN BEE.

- WHO?

- YOUR MOTHER.

- YOU HAVE A DATE WITH MOM?

- SHE HAS A DATE,

AND I'M FOLLOWING HER
TO MAKE SURE THE LOSER

KEEPS HIS INMATE
IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

- [sniffs]

DID YOU PUT ON COLOGNE
TO STALK MOM?

- DRAKKAR NOIR.

- OH, JESUS.
- HER FAVORITE.

LISTEN,
I GOT TO GET MY PORN BACK,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

THERE'S 10 BUCKS IN IT FOR YOU.

- 10 BUCKS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, EIGHT?

- MAKE IT 20.

- WISH ME LUCK.

- OH, DEAR LORD.

- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

[bed creaks]

- SHE WAS.

SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.

- SOLD HER TO BUY JEN'S RING?

- YEAH.

A RING SHE DIDN'T WANT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE SAID NO?

I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE HAPPY.

- I WAS,

BUT I GUESS THAT IN ALL
THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER,

I NEVER MANAGED TO...

GET HER OFF.

- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU
FOR THAT,

I MEAN, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU
HOW TO FIX IT?

- SHE SAID SHE DID--
THAT I DIDN'T LISTEN.

- WELL, ANY GIRL WHO SAYS THAT
IS EITHER LYING

OR TRYING TO FIND
A EASY WAY OUT.

- NO, SHE'S RIGHT.

I SUCK IN BED, DUDE.

- YEAH, HOW COULD YOU
POSSIBLY KNOW THAT FOR SURE?

- I ASKED.
- [laughs]

WILL, WE WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE
OF MONTHS SOPHOMORE YEAR.

I MEAN, I CAN BARELY REMEMBER
WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST,

LET ALONE WHETHER OR NOT
I GOT OFF WHEN WE HAD SEX.

- [laughing]

- YEAH, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

- OH.

- HOW ABOUT A CAPPUCCINO
ON THE HOUSE?

- IT'S SO FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT THIS, WILL,

'CAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY,
SOME OF MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I

WERE RECOUNTING
OUR WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE,

AND YOU JUST HAPPENED
TO COME TO MIND.

UGH, TOO YOUNG
AND INEXPERIENCED.

AM I RIGHT?

[laughing]

- YOU WERE THE BEST LAY
I EVER HAD,

AND I'VE BEEN SEARCHING
FOR THAT FEELING

EVER SINCE WE BROKE UP.

THERE, WILL THAT HELP YOU
SLEEP BETTER?

GOD, YOU LOSERS

AND YOUR QUARTER-LIFE
PANIC ATTACKS--

IF I HAD A BUCK FOR EVERY TIME
YOU PUSSIES GOT LONELY

AND ASKED HOW YOU WERE IN BED,
I'D HAVE MY FAT SUCKED OFF

INSTEAD OF DOING THIS CRAP
FIVE TIMES A WEEK.

GOD, THANKS A LOT, PRICK!

- I'M SORRY, WILL.

- YOU A TRULY...
- TERRIBLE LAY.

- SHE WAS MY NEIGHBOR
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

SHE HAD SOFT HANDS.

- UGH.

LOOK, THIS--THIS IS NOT
YOUR FAULT, ALL RIGHT?

ANY OF THESE WOMEN
COULD HAVE TAKEN TWO SECONDS

OUT OF THEIR LIVES TO TELL YOU
YOU WERE MISSING SOMETHING,

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

THIS IS THEIR FAILURE,
NOT YOURS.

- I'M STILL THE ONE
WHO GOT DUMPED.

- SO YOU HAVE A FEW BAD HABITS,

A COUPLE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
TO MAKE UP FOR.

- I LOST MY VIRGINITY
WHEN I WAS 14.

THAT'S ALMOST HALF MY LIFE.

- OKAY.

WE NEED TO GET YOU
BACK INTO REHAB RIGHT AWAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WE'RE GONNA GO OUT AND FIND
THE EASIEST CHICK OUT THERE

AND HOP BACK ON
THIS FLESH SADDLE,

AND THEN TOMORROW,
YOU'RE GONNA DO THE SAME.

AND THEN THIS WEEKEND,
YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING IT

UNTIL YOU'VE BANGED
ENOUGH SKANKS

TO HONE YOUR CRAFT.

- I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH A BUNCH OF WOMEN.

I JUST WANT JEN.

- I KNOW YOU DO,

BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU UNLESS
YOU'VE FIXED YOUR PROBLEM,

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS,
YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT,

BANG A COUPLE OF EASY SKEEZIES,

AND THEN GO BACK TO HER
WITH WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED,

SHOW HER WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.

- YOU REALLY THINK
IF I BECOME A BETTER LOVER,

SHE'LL TAKE ME BACK?

- NOT IF YOU
USE THE WORD "LOVER."

[both chuckling]

- I GOT TO GO TO WORK.

- ALL RIGHT.

9:30, OPERATION TANG BANG
BEGINS.

CONDOMS ARE ON ME.

- [groans]

DAD.

- HEY, CAN I ACTUALLY BORROW
THAT 20 TO BUY THE CONDOMS?

[driving techno music]

*

- HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

HOLD ON ONE SECOND, PLEASE.

YEAH, OUR CLUB'S
ACTUALLY AT CAPACITY RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO WAIT
FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

- AIN'T--AIN'T THIS
THE PARTY SUPPLY STORE?

- YES, BUT WE'RE AT CAPACITY
RIGHT NOW,

SO I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES

JUST BECAUSE WE ADHERE
TO A VERY STRICT FIRE--

- LOOK, I GOT TO GET A PIÑATA
FOR MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

YOU GOT TO--YOU BETTER GET
TO STEPPIN' WITH THIS SHIT.

- YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
JUST GIVE ME--

- IF YOU DON'T MOVE THAT ROPE,

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU,
STICK YOU IN A FUCKING CAR,

FILL YOU UP WITH CANDY,
LET MY KIDS GO TO TOWN

AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

THEN--THEN--

OH, OKAY, THAT'S
WHAT I THOUGHT, MOTHERFUCKER.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

I LOVE MY JOB.

- * HANDS LIKE THIS

- * OH

- LOOK AT ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE.

WHOO! WHOO!

RELATIO, WHAT'S THE HAPS
AFTER WORK, MY MAN?

A LITTLE BOOZE AND BITCHES,
AM I RIGHT, HUH?

- I THINK I'M GONNA DROP OFF
SOME DVDs AND HEAD HOME, RYAN.

- YOU SURE?
'CAUSE PEEP THIS.

I GOT VIP PASSES
TO THAT NEW STRIP CLUB,

THE THROBBING UNICORN,
HUH, HUH?

SOMEONE JUST LEFT THESE
ON MY WINDSHIELD.

I JUST FOUND 'EM THERE.
HUH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

- I'M GOOD.
THANKS ANYWAY.

- ALL RIGHT,
MORE LAP DANCES FOR ME.

all: HI.

- OH, HI.
- HI.

- GET IN HERE.
LOOK AT THAT ASS, RIGHT?

HOLD UP.
STOP.

YOU, PERM THE NAP.

MAYBE LOSE A LITTLE BIT
OF THE WEIGHT AROUND THE HIPS,

ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE GET ON THE LAP-BAND.

SHOW A LITTLE MORE CLEAVAGE,

AND YOU'RE IN NEXT TIME, OKAY?

- BUT WE'RE TWINS.
- PSH, YEAH, RIGHT.

AND THIS GUY'S BLACK.

SHE'S NOT WEARING A BRA.
YOU ARE.

WHAT IS THIS,
A WRIGLEY DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL

OR SOMETHING?

- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

UH...

[clattering]

- OOH, OOH, PLEASE,
CAN I PLEASE COME IN?

- WE'RE CLOSING.
- I KNOW.

I KNOW,
BUT I WILL BE SO SUPER QUICK,

LIKE, BLINK AND YOU MISS ME--

THE FLASH WITH BOOBS.

- YOU KNOW WHO THE FLASH IS?

- SUPER SPEED, LITTLE
WINGY THINGIES ON HIS MASK,

HIS REAL NAME'S BARRY ALLEN.

MY BROTHER
WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,

SO I KIND OF GOT GEEK EDUCATION
BY OSMOSIS.

- I MIGHT BE
ONE OF THOSE COMIC BOOK GEEKS.

- YOU?
- YEAH.

- NO.

TOO CUTE.

- AH, IN AND OUT.

- STEALTH-LIKE.

[techno music]

*

EXCUSE ME?
DO YOU GUYS CARRY PIÑATAS?

- DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE?

- OH.
- I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M MAITRE D'.

I'M JUST STACKING CUPS.

LET ME GO GET A SERVER
AND JUST--YEAH.

*

- HELLO, THERE.

CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?

- NO, I'M GOOD, THANKS.

- SURE?
- YEAH.

- MY NAME IS RYAN, MANAGER.

- OKAY.
- I'LL BE AROUND.

- ALL RIGHT, COOL, THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

DELICIOUS.

* LOVE REDHEADS

- RUFF, RUFF.

I FOUND YOU ONE LAST PIÑATA.
- OH.

AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- YEAH.

- IT'S PERFECT.
- COOL, JUST LET ME KNOW.

I CAN GIVE YOU A HAND OUT
IF YOU NEED IT.

- OKAY, THANKS.

- WELL, THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING
AT BEHIND THE VELVET ROPE.

WE STAYED OPEN AFTER HOURS
FOR YOU.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,
UH, NEXT WEEK,

WE'RE HAVING A HAPPY HOUR,
TWO FOR ONE,

SO YOU SHOULD COME TO THAT.

YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

[groans]

* TASTY

- [sniffs]

- HMM?

- YOU SMELL LIKE WET DOG ASS.

- I WORK OVER
AT THE RITZ HOWLTON, SO...

- IS THAT THE FROUFROU
DOG KENNEL ON COTNER?

- YOU KNOW, WE PREFER CANINE SPA
AND MEDITATION RETREAT.

- OH.

- WHAT?
- THAT'S CUTE.

- MOCK IF YOU LIKE,
BUT, UH,

I KNOW ABOUT 30 DOGS
WITH PRETTIER NAILS

THAN EITHER OF YOU.

- I'M A CAT PERSON,

SO...

- SHE'S ANGRY A LOT.

[both chuckling]

SO A LOT OF STUFF
FOR A DOG PARTY.

- YEAH, WELL, ONE OF MY BOARDERS
HAD PUPPIES LAST MONTH,

SO SHE'S THROWING
A LITTLE BIRTHDAY BASH.

- FUN.
- YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

- I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

THAT OKAY?

- THAT IS OKAY,

BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN ADOPT
ONE OF THE PUPPIES.

COME ON.

- [chuckles]

- THANKS
FOR BRINGING THE BOXES...

- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- WITH YOUR ENTIRE CREW.

- THEY'RE--

[sighs]

HAVE FUN AT THE PARTY.
- THANK YOU.

- DO YOU NEED CUPS?

OR DOES EVERYBODY DRINK
OUT OF THE SAME PUNCH BOWL?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST FOR THAT,
YOU'RE COMING TO MY PARTY.

- AM I NOW?
- YES, YOU ARE.

- I'M WILL,

COMIC BOOK GEEK.

- EMMA, THE FLASH
WITH BOOBS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

- 1768 GLENDON.

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S A SATURDAY
FROM NOON TO 3:00,

AND I'LL DROP AN INVITE
IN THE NEXT COUPLE DAYS.

- OKAY.
- OKAY?

- COOL.
- BYE.

- I'M NOT GONNA ADOPT A DOG.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

[keys jingling]

[relaxed jazzy music]

- [panting]

*

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. ROCHA,

AND TAKE IT EASY
ON YOURSELF THIS TIME.

THERE'S DELICATE FLESH
DOWN THERE.

WHY, HELLO, YOUNG STRANGER.

I SEE YOU'RE RETURNING
YOUR ADULT FEATURES.

- NO, THESE AREN'T MINE.

- WELL, WHY YOU'RE HERE,
WHY DON'T WE GRAB A FEW MORE

FOR YOUR HOME VIEWING
ENTERTAINMENT?

- NO, NO,
I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED ANY MORE.

IT'S JUST FINE.

[door rattles]

- LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND
ON OUR DOORSTEP.

- DID HE COME BY
TO GET SOME PORN, POP?

- HE SURE DID, BILLY.

WHY DON'T YOU AND MARTY
TAKE THIS HORNY BUSTER BROWN

INTO OUR VIDEO VAULT

WHERE HE CAN BROWSE
OUR MANY FINE SELECTIONS?

- YOUR HOME IS A MOVIE SHOP?

- OH, JUST THE ONE ROOM,

AND IT'S ADULT DVDs
AND VIDEOS ONLY.

BUT NEXT WEEK,
WE'LL BE LAUNCHING

OUR LIVE WEB STREAMING.

WHY, GRAHAM,
ARE YOU SURE THIS ONE

DOESN'T NEED A LEGAL GUARDIAN
TO WATCH OUR MOVIES?

- I MIGHT NEED TO CHECK
SOME I.D.

[laughter]

- COME ON, WE HAVE TONS
OF NEAT-O SMUT.

- COME ON, MARTY,
TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS.

*

[door creaks]

[ominous music]

*

- WHOA.
- WE JUST GOT THIS ONE IN.

YOU LIKE HERMAPHRODITES,
RIGHT?

- UH, AREN'T YOU GUYS
A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE IN HERE?

- GOSH, MISTER, WE'RE NOT
A COUPLE OF HOWDY DOODYS.

PORN IS USED TO KEEP SHIFTLESS
PERVERTS OFF THE STREETS.

- MOM AND POP SAY,
IF MORE PEOPLE WATCH PORN,

MARRIAGES WOULD LAST LONGER

'CAUSE COUPLES
WOULDN'T GET BORED

AND GO LOOKING OUTSIDE THE HOME
FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

- JUST PUT THIS ONE
RIGHT BACK IN THERE.

- CHILDREN, GIVE US A MINUTE.
- AW, SHUCKS.

I DIDN'T GET
TO SHOW YOU ANYTHING

FROM THE BARELY LEGAL SECTION.

- NOW, NOW,
LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

- RUN ALONG.

[relaxed jazzy music]

AREN'T THEY ANGELS?

WHY, I THINK THEY
COULD RUN OUR LITTLE BUSINESS

BETTER THAN US.

[both laughing]

- HA, YEAH, UH, LOOK.

I'M SURE YOU HAVE
A GREAT SELECTION HERE,

BUT I JUST KIND OF WANTED
TO RETURN THOSE AND--

AND NOTHING ELSE I NEED FOR...

[eerie music]

*

[echoing moan]

[funky bass music]

WHAT IS THIS?

- WELL.

THAT IS A VERY SPECIAL FILM,
YOUNG MAN,

THE CONTENTS OF WHICH
DEFY THE LOGIC

OF EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
ABOUT LOVEMAKING.

IF YOU WATCH THAT FILM,

YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THAT VIDEO
HAS GREAT POWER INSIDE.

WITHIN ITS MAGNETIC TAPE
LIES A MAGIC

THAT GIVES ITS VIEWER THE POWER

TO BECOME ONE OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST SEXUAL BEINGS.

- YOUR ENDURANCE
WILL NEVER FAIL.

- YOUR STAMINA
WILL NEVER CEASE.

- YOUR KNOWLEDGE
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

WILL BECOME INFINITE AND EXACT.

- AND EVERY WOMAN YOU LIE WITH
WILL ALWAYS BE SATISFIED.

- MANY, MANY TIMES OVER.

- AS IF YOU WERE THE STAR

OF YOUR VERY OWN
NEVER-ENDING PORNOGRAPHIC FILM.

- I GET IT.

IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?

NATHAN CALLED YOU GUYS,
SAID I WAS ON MY WAY OVER, YEAH.

- YOUNG MAN, WE KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FRIEND.

- WE NEVER TELL ANYONE
WHO COMES HERE ABOUT THAT TAPE.

IT KNOWS WHO NEEDS HELP,

AND WHATEVER
YOUR INTIMACY ISSUES ARE,

THEY WILL BECOME A THING
OF THE PAST.

- I DON'T HAVE INTIMACY ISSUES.

[both laughing]

[both sigh]

- THERE ARE THREE RULES
TO OBEY.

OTHERWISE, THE POWER
THE FILM GIVES YOU WILL BE LOST.

ONE, FOLLOW THE ORDER
OF THE WOMEN

YOU SEE ON THE TAPE.

YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH EACH,

BUT DO NOT SKIP ONE
TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT.

- TWO, IF YOU FAIL TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE,

YOU WILL LOSE YOUR GAINED SKILL
AND KNOWLEDGE.

- THREE, THE TAPE
MUST BE RETURNED

EXACTLY 30 DAYS FROM TONIGHT.

YOU MUST FINISH YOUR JOURNEY
BY THAT TIME,

OR ALL OF YOUR EXPERIENCES
BECOME NOTHING BUT MEMORIES

FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE.

WELL, NOW THAT THAT
SUPER SERIOUS BALLYHOO

IS OUT OF THE WAY,
WHO WANTS AN EGG CREAM?

both: I DO.

COME ON.

[slurping]

[laughter]

- SOMEONE SURE LOVES EGG CREAM.

- OH, DON'T TEASE THE BOY.

HE'S GONNA NEED
ALL THE ENERGY HE CAN GET.

[both laughing]

- SO SEE YOU IN A MONTH.

all: SEE YOU IN A MONTH.

[relaxed jazzy music]

*

[engine revving]

- HEY, PLAYER,
CAN YOU HELP A BROTHER OUT?

I'M LOOKING FOR THIS CLUB
CALLED THE THROBBING UNICORN.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY
LEFT THESE FREE PASSES

ON MY WINDSHIELD.

I MEAN,
WHO DOES THAT SHIT, RIGHT?

ANYHOO,
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,

AM I EVEN IN THE RIGHT
MOTHERFUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD?

- YEAH, ACTUALLY,
TAKE A LEFT.

GO TO THE LIGHT.
TAKE A RIGHT.

AND THEN IT'LL BE
ON YOUR LEFT-HAND SIDE.

- SWEET.

THANK YOU, WILL.

I'D ASK YOU
TO COME ALONG WITH ME TONIGHT,

BUT, UM...

[sniffs]

YOU GOT SOME IMPORTANT BUSINESS
TO ATTEND TO,

SO YOU HURRY ON HOME,
AND YOU WATCH THAT VIDEO.

THAT SHIT'S GONNA CHANGE
YOUR LIFE, SON.

[laughing]

PEACE.

[laughing]

[tires screech]

- WEIRD.

WAIT, HOW DOES THAT STRANGE GUY
KNOW MY NAME?

[jaunty orchestral music]

*

YES.

YES.

[VCR whines]

OOH.

[tape squealing]

WAIT.
WAS THAT ME?

[tape squealing]

OH--OH, SHIT.

AH, YES.

WAIT.
NO, NO, COME ON.

*

OH, OH,
YES, YES, YES.

WOW.

NO, GO BACK.
COME ON.

SLO-MO, SLO-MO--

MOTION.

*

[zapping]

*

[electricity crackling]

ting!

[peaceful instrumental music]

*

[knock at door]

- ANYBODY HOME?

HEY, MAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU
LAST NIGHT?

DID YOU GET MY MESSAGES--
OH, MY GOD!

WHAT, DID YOU TRY TO FUCK
A LIGHT SOCKET?

- UM, I--THERE WAS--

[sighs]

- LISTEN,
IF IT'S THAT MUCH EFFORT

TO TRY TO LIE
ABOUT YOUR KINKY FETISHES,

I JUST DON'T CARE.

GET DRESSED.

OPERATION TANG BANG
STARTED WITHOUT YOU, BUDDY.

WE GOT TO MAKE UP
FOR LOST TIME.

- WE'RE WORKING OUT?

- SHEEP'S WOOL
FOR YOUR WOLFLIKE INTERIOR.

- WHAT?
- JUST TRUST ME.

WE'RE GONNA FUCK
SOME LITTLE PIGGIES.

[upbeat music]

- REACH DOWN.

TURN YOUR LEFT ARM FORWARD.

REACH FROM YOUR HIP BONE
TO YOUR BACK.

YOU WANT TO EXTEND OUT
TO THE CROWN OF YOUR HEAD.

AS YOU HOLD YOUR BELLY IN,

SOFTEN THROUGH
YOUR SHOULDER BLADES,

AND REACH YOUR HEELS BACK.

CHATURANGA.

- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU MADE ME PAY 20 BUCKS

JUST TO FUCKING BREATHE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?
WILL YOU LOOK AROUND?

THIS IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF GIRL
YOU SHOULD BE NAILING--

FLEXIBLE.

- PRESS ONE HEEL DOWN
AT A TIME,

AND OPEN UP INTO VASHISTASANA.

AND TURNING THE LEFT PALM
FORWARD,

SLIDE THE LEFT SHOULDER
DOWN THE BACK.

- GOD, NO!

- ARE YOU OKAY?
- UH, YEAH.

I KNOW YOU.
- YOU DO?

[echoing moan]

SO ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN YOU FINISH?
- YEAH, TOTALLY.

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

UM, ARE YOU OKAY?

- FINE, JUST FINE.

LET'S DO THE SECOND SIDE.

MOVE INTO PLANK POSE, PLEASE.

VASHISTASANA, SECOND SIDE...

- DUDE, SHE TOUCHED YOU.
- YEAH, SO?

- [whispers]
THAT'S AMAZING.

- LEFT HAND, LEFT FOOT,
STACKING YOUR HIPS...

- I LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY.
SORRY.

- "NAM-ASTY."

[applause]

- CLAP.

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles] DUDE.

THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE HITTING THAT.

I MEAN, EVERY GUY IN HERE
HAS ASKED HER OUT.

SHE'S--SHE'S LIKE AIR FORCE ONE
WITH HER OWN F-16.

THERE'S NO PENETRATING
THAT AIRSPACE.

OOH, HEY, TIGHT PANTS GIRL--
TIGHT, HEY--

[whistling
and clicking tongue]

COME HERE.

- HEY, I'M WILL,
UH, FALLING GUY.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR NOT KICKING ME OUT EARLIER.

- I'M MARIE.

I THOUGHT YOU DID GREAT,
THIS BEING YOUR FIRST CLASS.

- YOU NOTICED THAT, HUH?

- I DON'T DATE MY STUDENTS,
WILL.

- NO, THAT'S NOT
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

- THEN WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DO?

- UM...

THIS.

- IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO TURN ME ON?

- YES.

- GO SLOWER, WILL,
MORE GENTLE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- YEAH, YEAH, COOL.

WAIT, LIKE, WE'RE REALLY
GONNA DO THIS?

YOU--YOU--YOU WANT TO HAVE
SEX WITH ME?

MM.

[lively salsa music]

- I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU
TIGHT PANTS GIRL

THE REST OF THE DAY.

WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?

- IT'S BETSY.
- BETSY, THAT'S--

[moaning]

DO YOU HEAR THAT, BETSY?

[moaning]

*

NO, BUT, HEY,
I'M GONNA CALL YOU, BETSY.

I'LL FIND YOU.

- KNEES WIDE.

- [groaning]

OH.

*

- EASY ON THE HIPS.

USE YOUR KNEES.

- [moaning]

*

- YEAH.

[moaning]

NAMASTE!

SO NICE MEETING YOU.

MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU NEXT CLASS.

- SURE.
LOOK.

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE MOST
SPECTACULARLY AMAZING MOMENT

OF MY LIFE,

SO I HAVE TO ASK.

WHY?

WHY DID YOU
JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME?

- I HAVE NO IDEA,

BUT YOU KNOW THAT MOVE
THAT I SHOWED YOU

WHERE YOU'RE USING YOUR KNEES
MORE THAN YOUR HIPS

SO YOU LAST LONGER?

KEEP WORKING ON THAT.

- NO.

HE'S MY RIDE.

- NAMASTE.

- NAMASTE.

YOU PENETRATED HER AIRSPACE.

OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

YEAH.

HOW--HOW?

HOW?
- JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

- NO, ONE OF THOSE THINGS
IS IN A PORNO.

YOU SAY FIVE WORDS TO A GIRL
WHO WON'T GO OUT WITH ANYBODY,

AND YOU'RE PLOWING HER.

YOU--YOU MADE A DEAL
WITH THE DEVIL,

AND I WANT IN ON IT.

- NATHAN, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
I'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GOOD.

THIS WAS THE BEST SEX
OF MY LIFE,

AND IT WAS ALL MY DOING.

- I...
- SERIOUSLY.

I FINISHED,
AND I WAS READY TO GO AGAIN

RIGHT THEN AND THERE--

ALREADY BEEN DOING IT
30 MINUTES.

I'VE NEVER LASTED THAT LONG.

THERE'S THIS ONE POSITION
I HAD HER IN.

HER LEGS WERE UP HERE
BY HER HEAD,

AND I LITERALLY LICKED HER FOOT.

- LISTEN.
- IT WAS HERE, AND I LICKED IT.

- OKAY, LISTEN.
LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE
TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF,

THEN YOU'RE GONNA NEED
TO TWEET IT,

BECAUSE IF YOU TALK TO ME
ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW,

I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO DRIVE
THIS CAR WITHOUT ANY HANDS.

I HAVE A BONER.
- MM, DIDN'T NEED TO--

- IT WAS FLUKE SEX.

ONCE IN A MILLENNIUM,

A GUY FINDS A GIRL
WHO IS THAT SAD AND DESPERATE,

AND TODAY WAS THAT DAY,
AND YOU WERE THAT GUY,

AND SHE WAS THAT GIRL.

AND THAT IS HOW THAT HAPPENED.

- YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY RIGHT.

HEY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SANITIZE
THIS YOGA MAT YOU LENT ME.

- AH, COME ON, COME ON.

[upbeat music]

*

- THERE HE IS,

MY YOGI HAMMER.

- HEY.

- WHAT, LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED
TO KEEP THE MOST MONUMENTAL

SEXUAL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE
A SECRET?

- YEAH.
- YOU HUNGRY?

I COULD MAKE YOU ONE
OF MY CLASSIC CHOCOL-HOAGIES.

- I'M OKAY.

- MMM, IT'S GOOD.
- WAIT.

YOU'RE STAYING IN TONIGHT?
WHAT'D YOU DO?

SLASH MOM'S TIRES
SO SHE CAN'T DRIVE ANYWHERE?

- DID SHE CALL YOU?

- DAD.
- SHE NEEDED NEW TIRES ANYWAY.

YOU'VE GOT
A STACK OF MAIL THERE.

IT'S AN INVITATION TO SOMETHING.

- NICE.

- HEY, HOW WAS WORK?

- THE USUAL.

- YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT MAYBE
IT'S TIME FOR A CAREER UPGRADE?

- HOW SO?

- WELL,

MY BOSS
AT THE COMIC BOOK COMPANY,

HE'S LOOKING FOR NEW IDEAS
HE WANTS ME TO PITCH.

NOW, WE BOTH KNOW
THAT YOU'RE A ENGLISH MAJOR

WITH A COMPLETELY USELESS DEGREE
IN CREATIVE WRITING,

BUT YOU DO HAVE GOOD TASTE
IN COMICS.

SO HERE'S THE IDEA:

YOU HATCH A STORY;

I'LL DO THE ART
AND DRESS IT UP A LITTLE BIT;

WE'LL GO IN,
GET A LITTLE RAZZLE-DAZZLE ON,

AND BOOM,

SOON KIDS HAVE OUR SHIT
UP ON THEIR WALL.

- I DON'T KNOW--

SELLING PARTY SUPPLIES,
WRITING COMICS,

SELLING PARTY SUPPLIES,
WRITING COMICS.

YEAH, I'M IN.
- YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT DON'T REHASH
THAT SERGEANT SLITHER IDEA.

THAT STORY
PUTS THE "SUCKS" IN,

"BOY, THIS SHITTY STORY SUCKS."

- NO, SERGEANT SLITHER
HAS TRUTH SERUM

THAT SHOOTS FROM HIS FANGS.

IT LETS HIM LEARN
HIS ENEMIES' EVIL POWERS.

[passing gas]

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

*

HELLO.

*

- HERE FOR THE PARTY?

- HEY, YEAH,
EMMA INVITED ME.

- BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

- RIGHT.

THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE.

- RIGHT.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WATCH YOUR STEP.

- THANKS.

- [sniffing]

HE SMELLED LIKE POODLE.

*

- [mouthing words]

[dog barking]

[indistinct chatter]

- HI, THERE,
I'M MEREDITH.

EMMA TOLD ME YOU MIGHT
WANT TO TAKE ONE OF MY BABIES

TO A HAPPY HOME.

- HI, I'M WILL.
SORRY.

I GOT MY MOUTH STUFFED
WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

- OH, THEY SHOULD BE.

THEY'RE DOG TREATS.

[babbling]

- AT LEAST I'LL HAVE
A SHINY COAT.

- [laughs]
- BATHROOM?

- OH,
IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

[echoing moan]

[toilet flushing]

- HEY, WILL.

YOU'RE A DOG LOVER TOO, HUH?

[laughing]

[inhales sharply]

[sighs]

YOU SMELL THAT, WILL?

- [sniffs]

- THAT'S RIGHT, SON--

NEW CAR SMELL.

HAD A LITTLE PROCEDURE
DONE ON MY COLON

ABOUT TEN YEARS BACK
IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THEY CAN GIVE YOU ANY SCENT
YOU CAN IMAGINE.

YEAH, THINK OF ALL THE MONEY
I SAVE ON AIR FRESHENER, HUH?

[both laughing]

HEY, WILL,
YOU KNOW THAT GIRL, MEREDITH?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FUCK HER.

SHE'S THE NEXT ONE ON THE TAPE.

REMEMBER,

THIS IS ALL FOR JEN.

YOU NEED THE NAME
OF THAT DOCTOR,

YOU LET ME KNOW, WILL.

[laughing]

- [sniffs]

HI.
- HI, I...

[sighs]

I GOT DISTRACTED,

AND HE ATE SOME GOODIES
OFF MY PLATE,

AND, UM, IT DIDN'T GO WELL
WITH HIS STOMACH,

AND THEN HE--

I'M JUST--I'M GONNA SMELL
LIKE BARF ALL DAY.

[chuckles]

- I--I DON'T SEE ANY PUKE.

- IT'S A GENERAL...

[inhales sharply]

MALAISE.

- RIGHT, WELL,
THE BATHROOM IS YOURS.

FEEL FREE TO...

YOU KNOW, HE'S--
HE'S VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

- OH, HOW SO?

- YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.

- AW.

THAT IS SO FUCKING CUTE.

YOU TASTE LIKE DOG BISCUITS.

[laughing]

- SORRY.

WAIT, YOU KNOW
WHAT DOG BISCUITS TASTE LIKE?

- [gasping]

AH, I WILL BE RIGHT OUT!

- OH, MEREDITH, IS THAT YOU?

- [gasping] YES!

AH!
- ARE YOU OKAY?

- NEVER BETTER.

[gasping]

YES!
- OKAY.

UH, I'LL JUST SEE YOU
BACK AT THE KENNEL.

- I'M COMING, COMING SOON!

- ARE YOU--
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

- [in woman's voice]
UH, I'M--I'M FINE.

I JUST LOVE THIS--

OH, I LOVE THIS LIQUID HAND SOAP
SO MUCH.

YEAH, YOU GOT TO TELL ME
WHERE YOU GOT IT LATER.

[both gasping]

- SO CUTE.

THAT WAS LOVELY.

[laughs]

- LOVELY,

BUT NOT GREAT.

- OH, HONEY,

DID YOU NOT NOTICE
THAT I CROSSED THE FINISH LINE?

AND THAT'S SAYING MORE
THAN MOST MEN.

- RIGHT, NO,
I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

I JUST--I HAVE TO GET
REALLY GOOD AT THIS SEX THING

REALLY FAST.

- HUH.

SAYS WHO?

- LONG STORY WITH
AN UNHAPPY ENDING FOR RIGHT NOW.

- HMM.

WELL, WHOEVER SHE IS,

SHE'S ONE LUCKY LITTLE GIRL.

BUT CAN I GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE?

- PLEASE.
- OKAY.

[sighs]

LET THE WOMAN LEAD THE RACE.

SHE'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHEN IT'S TIME TO SPRINT.

SEE, I'VE BEEN DIVORCED
FOR TWO YEARS,

AND I WAS STARTING TO THINK
THERE WAS A LAW

PROHIBITING 35-YEAR-OLDS
HAVING SEX, RIGHT?

AND--
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY
TO BE WITH YOU.

- YOU ARE SUCH
A LITTLE FUCKING NYMPH.

I WANT TO BOX YOU UP,

BUT I AM NOT GIVING YOU
A DISCOUNT ON MY DOGS.

[sighs]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

[sighs]

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY
GO OUT THERE.

EMMA'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOU
ALL DAY.

- WHAT?

- I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T.

WHO'S A BABY?

SUCH A LITTLE BABY.

MMM.

WHY DO YOU SMELL
LIKE NEW CAR?

- OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

EVERYONE, EVERYONE!
- HEY, EMMA.

- WILL, I'M SO SORRY.
I'VE GOT TO GO.

FALCO GOT INTO ONE OF THE--
THE PEONIES

THAT WE GOT AT THE STORE,

AND SHE'S CHOKING
ON THE RAWHIDE,

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO HANG OUT.

- I WANT YOU
TO HANG OUT WITH ME TOO.

- WELL--

- HERE HE IS, WILL,

ALL READY FOR YOU
JUST LIKE WE DISCUSSED.

- YOU ARE ADOPTING
ONE OF THE PUPPIES?

OH, THAT IS SO GREAT.

- YEAH.
- YAY.

- WELL, HE'S ALREADY PASSED
MY THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECK,

SO I JUST NEED A DEPOSIT
OF $300,

AND THEN HE'S ALL YOURS
TO TAKE HOME.

- THAT IS SO GREAT.
I'M SO--

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

UH...

[echoing moan]

- DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO?

PARAMEDICS
ARE WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

- YOU SHOULD CALL ME,

LIKE, FOR THE DOG
OR ANYTHING REALLY, I MEAN--

JUST CALL ME.

- GREAT.
- OKAY.

[dog barking]

- GO.

- RIGHT.

- DID YOU SEE THE WAY
SHE WAS LOOKING AT YOU?

SHE UNDRESSED YOU
WITH HER STARE.

[sighs]

BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU DO HAVE
A WAY WITH WOMEN, DON'T YOU?

- 300 BUCKS
FOR THIS BALL OF FUR?

- YEAH, I'LL NEED A CHECK,

AND THEN YOU
CAN PAY FOR THE REST

IN THE NEXT TEN BUSINESS DAYS.

SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

- CAN YOU SHIT IN A TOILET?

I HOPE SO.
JESUS.

- [sighs]

- OOH, HERE WE GO.

HEY, DAD.

WANT TO MEET OUR NEW ROOMMATE?

- SORRY,
I'M LISTENING TO YOUR MOM

TALK ON HER CELL PHONE.

DID YOU REALIZE

SHE WAXES DOWN THERE NOW?

- OKAY, DAD.

WAIT, HOW CAN YOU LISTEN
TO MOM'S CONVERSATIONS?

- IT'S THIS AMAZING,
LITTLE TRANSMITTER.

I FOLLOWED HER TO LUNCH,

AND WHEN SHE GOT UP
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

I WALKED OVER TO HER TABLE,

DROPPED IT IN HER PURSE.

NOW WHEREVER THE BAG GOES,
THE BUG GOES,

AND I HEAR EVERYTHING.

WAIT.
SHE'S GETTING ANOTHER CALL.

I--IT--THE RECEPTION'S BETTER
THE CLOSER I AM,

SO I'M GONNA TAIL HER CAR.

- THIS IS GETTING
OUT OF HAND, DAD.

- NO, NATHAN LEFT.

HE'S ON HIS WAY HOME.

HE BOUGHT A PIZZA.
IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.

YOU HAVE CASH
TO PAY FOR IT, RIGHT?

[laughing]

I WAS JUST THINKING,

OUR APARTMENT
COULD USE A GOOD GUARD DOG.

- OKAY, DAD,
THIS IS NOT YOUR APARTMENT.

- OKAY, BYE.

- JUST YOU AND ME, HUH?

SHOULD WE SEE
WHAT SANTA PAWS BROUGHT YOU?

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

GOT SLIM JIMS,

ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR ME.

I GOT YOU SOME ALTOIDS
'CAUSE YOU GOT STANK BREATH.

AND I GOT ME A SNICKERS BAR
'CAUSE I NEED SOME STRENGTH.

[knocking at door]

COME HERE.

- LARGE PEPPERONI
AND CHEESE PIZZA.

YOUR TOTAL'S $15.22.

- AH, YEAH, CAN YOU HOLD ON
FOR A COUPLE MINUTES?

THE GUY WHO ORDERED THIS
ISN'T HERE.

IT'S HIS PIZZA.
I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

- LISTEN, DUDE!

I'VE GOT SIX PIES IN THE CAR

THAT NEED TO BE DELIVERED
IN A HALF AN HOUR,

AND IF THEY
DON'T GET THERE IN TIME,

THEN IT'S MY ASS.

AND IF IT'S MY ASS,
THEN IT'S YOUR ASS.

YOUR ASS.

- OH, BOY.
- [shrieks]

[both moaning]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
MY FAVORITE TOPPING OF PIZZA IS?

- SHOT IN THE DARK--
SAUSAGE?

- OH, SHUT YOUR FILTHY FACE,

AND LET'S GET TO THE CENTER
OF MY TOOTSIE POP.

- BE A GOOD BOY.

[lively salsa music]

*

- HEY.

HEY, GET OUT OF THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

YOU LITTLE PIZZA-STEALING
TURD BURGLAR?

*

- WHAT?

- YOU BANGED
THE SAUCY SLICE PIZZA GIRL.

- ACTUALLY, SHE BANGED ME.

YOU SHOULD THANK ME.

SAVED YOU 15 BUCKS.

- WHAT THE--

YOU ARE GONNA TELL ME
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

YOU'VE GOT WOMEN
THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU.

YOUR DICK HAS BECOME
SOME SORT OF CURRENCY,

SO IT BEGS THE QUESTION,

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

- IT'S ALL THE TAPE.

- WHAT TAPE?
- IN THE VCR.

- WHAT, IS IT
SOME SORT OF SELF-HELP THING

THAT HELPS YOU HYPNOTIZE WOMEN

THAT NORMALLY WOULDN'T BREATHE
THE AIR WITHIN 50 FEET OF YOU?

- THANKS.
NO.

IT ACTUALLY HAS MAGICAL POWERS

AND MAKES ME, LIKE, A SEX GOD.

I LITERALLY WATCHED IT.

A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S FACES
FLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN,

AND NOW I'M SLEEPING
WITH A NEW WOMAN

PRACTICALLY EVERY TIME
I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

- BULLSHIT.

- WHO'S EATING FREE PIZZA?

MMM.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

YOU HAVE HEARD
OF THE DVD PLAYER, YEAH?

- YEAH, BUT I'M SAVING UP
FOR ONE OF THOSE

GROOVY EIGHT-TRACK
CASSETTE PLAYERS

THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT.

[VCR whines]

- SHE'S A LITTLE CHUNKY,
WEIGHS, LIKE, 60 POUNDS.

- YOU'RE AVOIDING THE SUBJECT,

AND YOU'RE HOLDING UP
THE LINE...

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, THESE--

THESE WOMEN ARE SMOKING HOT.

- THEY WERE THERE.
THEY WERE THERE.

- MM-HMM, YOU KNOW,
IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE JUST
THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE.

YOU KNOW, THAT--
ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.

- NATHAN, I SWEAR,
THERE'S THIS TAPE,

AND THE WOMEN THAT ARE ON IT--

I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH THEM ALL

SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO JEN

BECAUSE I'LL BE A BETTER LOVER.

- FINE.

YOU GET ME LAID,

AND I'LL BELIEVE YOU.

- HOW?

[upbeat music]

*

[indistinct chatter]

- WHERE IS THIS MAGIC OF YOURS?

- OKAY, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
- SHOW ME THE MAGIC!

- NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
I TOLD YOU.

I CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH ANY WOMAN I TOUCH.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU EVEN TOUCHED A GIRL

THAT'S NOT ON
THIS MAGICAL VIDEOTAPE

THAT ONLY YOU CAN SEE?

- NO, BUT--
- NO.

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE,

AND YOU'RE GONNA SHAKE HANDS
WITH ANYTHING WITH BOOBS,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE AN ORGY.

AND THEN I'LL BELIEVE YOU.

- WE'RE NOT HAVING AN ORGY.
- WE'RE HAVING AN ORGY.

GO.

[indistinct chatter]

- OOH, THANK GOD.

HEY, KEEP WORKING OUT.

A GUY CAN WISH.

HEY, HEY, YEAH.

SORRY,
THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

HI.
- HI.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- RIHANNA.

- HI, RIHANNA.
- HI.

- WANT TO HAVE AN ORGY?

- FUCK, YES.

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

- OKAY.

[buzzing]

[tape squealing]

[echoing moan]

WAIT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ORDER
ON THE TAPE.

- WHAT?

- [gasps]

YOU'RE STILL OUT OF ORDER.

OH, GOD, THAT'S NICE.
- ORDER?

THERE'S NO ORDER
WHEN YOU ORGY.

YOU JUST ORGY.

- RIGHT, YES, OF COURSE.

YOU SHOULD MEET ME
IN THE BATHROOM...

- BUT--
- LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.

AND I'LL BE RIGHT IN,
AND I'LL--

I'LL GIVE YOU A NICE ORGY.

- YOU PROMISE?
- OH, YES, I'LL--

- ARR!
- OKAY.

GO.
- BYE.

- FUCK.

- AH.

BOOM, BITCH!

- NATHAN, NATHAN, NATHAN,
NATHAN.

- OH, THERE HE IS.

HEY, WHERE'S MY HAREM?

- THERE'S NO TIME
FOR SMALL TALK.

THERE'S A HOT WOMAN
IN THE BATHROOM,

LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.

DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS,
AND DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH

UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

THE TAPE WORKS.

[upbeat rock music]

*

- * THIS IS A TAKEOVER

* A TAKEOVER

* I'M CHASING HER

* NOT HOSTILE,
BUT SOON WE'LL BE ONE *

* THIS IS A MASTERPIECE

* A PASSION'S FEAST

* I'LL FINISH,
AND THEN I'LL BE DONE *

* THIS IS A TAKEOVER

* A TASTE I LEARNED

* TO LIKE WHEN MY NUMBERS
WERE LOW *

* THIS IS A MASTERPIECE

* A FAST RELEASE

* I'D STAY,
BUT SHE'D WANT ME TO GO *

* BUT WAIT,
WHO'S THIS BEAUTY BESIDE ME? *

* I'M DROPPING MY JAR
WITH A THUD *

* IT ACHES
LIKE SHE'S REACHING INSIDE ME *

* AND MELTING MY HEART
INTO BLOOD *

*

- * AH

* AH

- * SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER

* MY SAFE AND SURE

* REPLACED BY A FEAR
THAT SHE'LL RUN *

* SHE IS A MASTERPIECE

* A PERFECT BEAST

* I HOPE THAT SHE KNOWS
I'M THE ONE *

- WHAT'S MY NAME?

- LITTLE TIM,
LIKE THE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN.

YEAH!

- WHOO, WHOO!
YEAH! WHOA!

- AND YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME
TO PINKBERRY, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

- OKAY.

YEAH! OOH!

[laughing]

- MMM.
- YEAH.

- MM-HMM.

- I LIKE IT.

AH!

[gasping]

- OH, HELL NO.

- [sniffs]

- CHICKEN.

- [gags]

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

- YEAH, THAT'S IT.

FIND MAMA BEAN.

FIND THAT BEAN AND WATER IT!

[moaning]

OH, YEAH, NERD,
THAT'S IT!

OH, YEAH!

YEAH, MAKE THAT TONGUE DANCE!

MAKE IT CRAWL
ALL UP IN MY LEG.

- [gasps]

- YOU AIN'T DONE.

DON'T YOU EVER STOP TILL A LADY
TELLS YOU YOU'RE DONE.

NOW GET THAT FACE
BACK UP IN THERE!

[growling]

- * SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER

* MY SAFE AND SURE

* REPLACED BY A FEAR
THAT SHE'LL RUN *

* SHE IS A MASTERPIECE

* A PERFECT BEAST

* I HOPE THAT SHE KNOWS
I'M THE ONE *

*

[birds chirping]

[keyboard tapping]

[upbeat music]

*

- THERE YOU GO.

HEY, COME ON.

HI.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.

CHECKING IN?
- YEAH.

ACTUALLY, WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH EMMA.

- AH, YES.

MR. HEMBRY, HMM?

YOU WERE AT THE PARTY
A FEW WEEKS AGO.

- YES.

- OH, IS THIS THE PUP
THAT YOU ADOPTED?

- YES. COME HERE.

- DO YOU MIND IF I HOLD HIM?

- NO, SURE, THAT'S GREAT.

- YOU LITTLE--
OH, COME HERE.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, OH, YOU'RE JUST
A LITTLE LOVER, AREN'T YOU?

YES, YOU ARE.
YES, YOU ARE.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE YET.

GOT A COUPLE IDEAS,
BUT I--

- [snorting]

[sighs]

THAT'S PRIMO SHIT.

- HEY, WILL.
- HEY.

- ARE YOU READY?

- YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

I MEAN, UH,
READY FOR THE APPOINTMENT,

NOT--NOT DOING IT.

NAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.

WHATEVER YOUR DEFINITION
OF "IT" IS,

MINE'S NOT SEX.

IT'S DEFINITELY NOT SEX.

UH, WE'RE READY TO BE GROOMED.

- YEAH, WELL, LET'S GO.

- [chuckles]

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER,

YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG.

- SO HOW ARE YOU?

- GREAT.
YOU?

- UH, GREAT.
- GOOD.

- SORRY.

- FOR WHAT?

- I WANT TO KISS YOU.

- OKAY, SO THEN DO IT.

- NO, I CAN'T DO THAT,
BECAUSE THEN THAT WILL LEAD

TO OTHER THINGS,
AND THIS I CAN'T DO YET.

- MEANING IT'S--
IT'S TOO SOON?

- NOT EXACTLY.

I HAVE ISSUES.

I'M GONNA GO GROOM FLASH NOW.

- FLASH.

- IT FITS.

- HELLO, FLASH.

[both chuckling]

OKAY.

[upbeat music]

HI.
- HI.

I'VE GOT A COUPLE HOURS FREE,

SO DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME FOOD?

- YEAH.
- OKAY.

WE CAN JUST LEAVE FLASH HERE.
- OKAY.

- BUT, YOU KNOW, SOMEPLACE,
LIKE, REALLY PUBLIC,

YOU KNOW,
NO LOW-LIT CORNER BOOTHS OR...

YEAH.

- [sighs]

[humming]

[upbeat instrumental music]

*

- * YOU LET YOUR HAIR SHINE
LIKE A '50s MOVIE STAR *

* STILL CHEW ON IT
KIND OF LIKE A LITTLE GIRL *

*

* YOU TAKE YOUR TIME

* WHEN THE TOP'S DOWN
IN YOUR CAR *

* BUT STILL HIT THE GAS
WHEN YOU WANT TO SEE THE WORLD *

*

* AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE EVERYTHING *

* A GIRL SHOULD EVER BE

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING TO ME *

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE EVERYTHING *

* IN THE SURFACE
AND DOWN DEEP *

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING TO ME *

*

* YOU LIKE TO STAY HOME
WITH DELIVERY CHINESE *

* AND THEN DRAG ME OUT

* SUDDENLY YOU GOT TO DANCE

* YOU'RE HAPPY
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING SAFE *

* AND SO CAREFREE

* BUT YOU'D DIVE OUT A PLANE
IF YOU EVER GOT A CHANCE *

* AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING...

- HOLY MOLY,
LOOK WHO IT IS, KIDS.

CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE OLD

TO BE PLAYING WITH TEDDY BEARS,
YOUNG MAN.

- WHOA, MISTER,
THAT'S A NICE TEDDY BEAR.

CAN I HAVE IT?
- NO, GET YOUR HANDS OFF.

- HE'S JUST ASHAMED
'CAUSE HE LIKES A GIRL.

[laughter]

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

- OH, WILL, WE'VE BEEN SPYING
ON YOU FOR DAYS NOW.

IT'S SOMETHING WE LIKE TO DO
TOGETHER AS A FAMILY

TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE FOLLOWING
ALL THE RULES OF THE TAPE.

- AND BOY, HAVE YOU.

THAT PENIS OF YOURS
PROBABLY FEELS

LIKE IT'S READY TO DROP OFF.

AM I RIGHT, KIDS?

- HE'S A REAL SLUT, DAD.

- HE SURE IS, MARTY,
WHICH BRINGS US TO EMMA.

WHAT A SPECTACULAR PIECE
OF "YOU KNOW WHAT" SHE IS.

- SHE GIVES ME WET DREAMS.

- [laughing]

OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?

WELL, WE'D LOVE
TO STICK AROUND, WILL,

BUT WE HAVE PLENTY OF SHOPPING
TO DO BEFORE WE GO HOME

TO CATCH
THE LAWRENCE WELK SHOW.

COME ON, KIDS.

KEEP UP THE FINE BONING, WILL.

- THANK YOU FOR WAITING--
SMALL BLADDER.

SO I WAS THINKING,
SINCE WE'RE ALREADY HERE

AND I KIND OF NEED
A PAIR OF JEANS--

- SAY NO MORE.

YES, I WILL BE
THE DRESSING ROOM BOYFRIEND.

- OH.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- NO, IT'S JUST THAT
IT'S ONLY OUR FIRST DATE.

- IT'S A DATE?

- WELL, YOU DID PAY

FOR THE AMAZINGLY DECADENT
MALL FOOD, SO, YEAH.

- I CAN DO BETTER
THAN MALL FOOD.

- WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT YOU'LL HAVE A CHANCE
TO PROVE THAT.

- OOH.

[upbeat music]

*

HI.

OOH, YOU SAID
ONE PAIR OF JEANS.

- YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE
FISCALLY IRRESPONSIBLE

FOR ME TO IGNORE
THESE INCREDIBLE DEALS.

- OH, OKAY.

IT WOULD.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

I'LL BE THE DECAYING SKELETON

IN THE LEATHER JACKETS.

- OKAY.
HAVE FUN.

- YEAH.

YEESH.

- CAN I HELP YOU
FIND A SIZE?

- YEAH, I'M LOOKING
FOR A 31.

- OKAY.

[grunts]

WHY DON'T YOU TRY THESE ON,

AND WHILE YOU'RE
IN THE DRESSING ROOM,

I'LL FIND THAT SIZE FOR YOU.

- GREAT.

- MICHELLE.

CAN YOU SET HIM UP
WITH A ROOM?

- ABSOLUTELY.
RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.

- THANKS.

SORRY.
SORRY.

- CLUMSY ME.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOUR DRESSING ROOM'S
RIGHT THIS WAY.

- [sighs]

- OH, SHIT.

[echoing moaning]

- GIVE ME A SHOUT
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

- UH, WILL DO.

[suspenseful music]

*

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I WAS--

I JUST--

- I GET HIM FIRST.

YOU STAND GUARD.

HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING IN HERE?

- FINE.
I DON'T NEED ANYTHING.

- NO, LET ME JUST HELP YOU
WITH YOUR PANTS.

- SERIOUSLY,
I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

CAN I COME BACK LATER, PLEASE?

LIKE--

- NO.
- JESUS.

- THESE ARE FULL.

TRY THE ROOMS
ON THE OTHER SECTION.

- [moaning]

- WILL?

- [sighs]

YES.

[creaking]

- EXCUSE ME.

DID YOU SEE A GUY
WITH A TEDDY BEAR

GO IN ANY OF THESE?

- NO, NO GUYS HERE, NONE.

- OH, THAT'S THE SPOT!

[creaking]

- THAT IS MAINTENANCE.

- KILL IT, BABY!
KILL IT!

- SHE'S--THERE'S A--
THERE'S A RAT

RUNNING RAMPANT
THROUGH THIS ROOM.

SHE'S AGGRESSIVE.
IT'S HUGE.

- OKAY, I'LL JUST--
- OKAY, YEAH.

THANKS.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

DON'T FORGET TO FILL OUT
A COMMENT CARD.

- PST, WILL.

- CRAZY HAT GUY,

WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT THE FUCK
YOU THINK I'M DOING, WILL?

I'M BUYING JEANS.

HEY, BY THE WAY,

THESE MAKE ME LOOK LESS BLACK?

- I CAN'T TALK TO YOU
RIGHT NOW.

- ALL RIGHT, PLAYER, FINE.

YOU GO BE WITH EMMA,

BUT YOU REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK
YOU DOING THIS ALL FOR.

- [whispering] OKAY, LOOK.
I KNOW WHO I'M DOING IT FOR.

AND I KNOW WHAT THE RULES
OF THE TAPE ARE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP
POPPING UP

ALL OVER THE PLACE
AND TELLING ME.

- JEEZ, SOMEBODY'S
A LITTLE BITCHY TODAY.

OH, WILL, ONE MORE THING...

- [whispers] THANK YOU.

- [laughing]

AH, TO BE YOUNG AND DUMB

AND FULL OF COME.

YEAH, THAT'LL WORK.

WHATEVER, PLAYER.

- HEY.
- HELLO.

- WHERE WERE YOU?

I WAS LOOKING EVERYWHERE
FOR YOU.

- I WAS, UM--

YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE
IN THE MALLS

WHO HAVE YOU DO THE SURVEYS
FOR 20 BUCKS?

- YEAH.
- I WAS DOING ONE OF THOSE.

- OH, WHAT ABOUT?

- HOW I FEEL ABOUT MALL SURVEYS.

- HMM, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT MALL SURVEYS?

- I DO NOT LIKE THEM.
- REALLY?

- THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT ANSWER,
SO THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME 20 BUCKS.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE
OUR TEDDY BEAR

AND GO DO THE GO-KARTS?

- HEY.
- OH, SORRY.

- AH, HI.

JEN, EMMA,
EMMA, JEN,

JEN, EMMA.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- WHAT'S WITH THE--

WHAT'S UP WITH THE TEDDY BEAR?

YOU WERE NEVER
INTO STUFFED ANIMALS.

- SO HOW DO YOU TWO
KNOW EACH OTHER?

- I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND.

- OH.
- YEAH.

- WELL, THANK YOU
FOR LETTING HIM GO.

I THINK HE'S A KEEPER.

- SO HOW IS STEVE?

- UH, I'M NOT WITH STEVE.

I WAS NOT REALLY WITH STEVE.
YOU KNOW THAT.

- YOU KNOW, OUR PUPPY'S WAITING,

SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY--YEAH.

- WE SHOULD PROBABLY--

IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU, OKAY?
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

UM, HOW AWESOME ARE YOU?

- OH, MY GOD, YOU WERE SO LOUD
IN THE DRESSING ROOM

WHEN YOU WERE HAVING SEX
WITH THAT GUY.

IF I WEREN'T THE MANAGER,
YOU WOULD SO BE FIRED.

- WAIT, WHY DID WE HAVE SEX
WITH THAT GUY AGAIN?

- I DON'T KNOW.

AND WHAT WAS UP
WITH THAT TEDDY BEAR?

- IT WAS KIND OF KINKY.

- IT WAS LIKE A THREESOME.

- OH.
- OH, HI.

- HI.
- HI.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ON A PAIR

OF OUR NEW RICH AND SKINNY
CORDUROYS?

- MM.

ABSO-FRIGGING-LUTELY.

- RIGHT THIS WAY.
- OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU.

- LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED
ANOTHER SIZE OR ANYTHING.

- MM-HMM.

[dramatic music]

*

- DUDE, MAN,
YOU ARE A FUCKING STALLION,

A FUCKING BLACK STALLION.

FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HER!

UNBELIEVABLE.

JUST RAIL THAT CHICK, MAN.
- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT THE--

OH, HEY, THERE.

NO, I MEAN,
WHAT THE FUCK?

- WILL YOU PUT IT AWAY?
- YES, IT'S PUT AWAY.

- IS IT AWAY?
- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WANT THAT VIDEO.

IN EXCHANGE,
I WON'T TELL YOUR BOSS

OR YOUR WIFE
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

- UM...

IT'S OKAY
IF I MAKE YOU A COPY?

- YEAH.

- CAN I FINISH?

- [groans]

[soft piano music]

*

- I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME.
- ME TOO.

- AND NOW WE HAVE
THIS AWESOME FIRST DATE STORY

TO TELL OUR KIDS, DON'T WE?

- AND A REALLY COOL NAME
FOR OUR DOG--

UH, YOUR DOG.

- OF COURSE.

- I CAN'T GO HOME WITH YOU.
- I KNOW.

- I MEAN, I WANT TO, BUT...

- I WANT YOU TO.
- I CAN'T.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IT HAS TO FEEL RIGHT.

- IT WILL BE, YEAH.

- [sighs]

I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS.

SOMETHING BIGGER
IS AT PLAY HERE.

- LIKE WHAT?

- FATE, IDIOT.

- RIGHT, FATE.

SO WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?

- UM, TOMORROW NIGHT.

- IS THAT THE PREVIOUSLY ALLUDED
TO SECOND DATE?

- YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THERE'S SOMEWHERE
I HAVE TO BE,

AND I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO JOIN ME.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.
- BYE.

*

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WAITING
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

[both chuckle]

- ME NEITHER.

- BYE.

[dramatic music]

*

[tape squealing]

*

[knock at door]

[pounding at door]

- I'M READING!

[pounding at door]

DAMN IT.

CHILL OUT, TITO.

WHOSE HAIR IS ON FIRE?

[knocking at door]

WHAT?
- HMM.

WHERE IS HE?

- BY ALL MEANS, COME IN.

CAN I FIX YOU A WARM GLASS
OF "CHILL THE FUCK OUT"?

[tape squealing]

[knocking]

- WHAT THE HELL?

- OKAY, SO NOT ONLY
DO YOU HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND,

BUT YOU STARTED
CHEATING ON HER ALREADY?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- I OVERHEARD THOSE SLUTS
AT THE MALL,

THE ONE THAT YOU
WERE SLEEPING WITH.

- OKAY, LOOK.
THAT'S--

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
- REALLY, REALLY?

'CAUSE I THINK
THAT YOU'VE BECOME A WHORE.

A WHORE!

- ARE YOU 12?

LOOK.
YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.

SO WHY DO YOU CARE
WHO I SLEEP WITH?

AND WHY DO I GIVE A FUCK
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU THINK?

- BECAUSE I--

I--

I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME
EVERYTHING

THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED.

- NO, STOP.

GET OFF.

- [laughing]

SHUT UP, WILL,
AND DO ME.

- PLEASE, NO.

PLEASE, JEN.

- AS YOU WERE.
I'VE SEEN BOOBIES BEFORE.

- [growls]

YOU'RE SO GROSS.
- COME ON, I--

I WOULD LET YOU WATCH.

YOU'RE LETTING
THE TERRORISTS WIN.

- JEN, IT'S OKAY.

- HA.

[laughs]

WHOO!

[moaning]

OH, MY GOD, WILL!

OH, WILLIAM, WILLIAM!

WILLIAM JOSEPH HEMBRY!

OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD.

[screaming]

- AH!
- OH, YES!

[screams]

[screaming]

OH, JESUS!

MARY AND JOSEPH.

WILLIAM.

THAT WAS THE MOST...

[smooches]

UNBELIEVABLE SEX
OF ALL TIME.

[sighs]

YOU KNOW,
AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY

THAT YOU SLEPT
WITH THOSE MALL SLUTS,

BUT NOW I GET IT,
BECAUSE I SAID

THAT IF YOU GOT BETTER AT SEX,
I'D GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE,

AND YOU DID.

I MEAN, MY GOD,

HOW MANY GIRLS
DID YOU SLEEP WITH

IN ORDER TO GET SO GOOD
SO FAST?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
DON'T ANSWER THAT.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

BUT WHAT MATTERS
IS THAT YOU DID THIS FOR ME,

SO I--I FORGIVE YOU
FOR DOING WHATEVER IT IS

THAT YOU NEEDED TO DO
IN ORDER TO WIN ME BACK.

NOW CAN YOU FORGIVE ME
FOR CHEATING ON YOU

AND FOR, UGH, BEING DUMB ENOUGH
TO EVER THINK

THAT YOU COULDN'T BE THE LOVER
THAT I NOW KNOW

WAS JUST ALWAYS
INSIDE OF YOU?

- OKAY, NO, THERE WAS A TIME
I WAS DOING THIS FOR YOU.

- UH-HUH.

- IMPROVING MYSELF
TO BE THE LOVER

YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

- UM, WILL,
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.

- ME TOO,

BUT I DON'T,

NOT ANYMORE.

- OH-HO-HO, SO WHAT IS THIS?
IS THIS REVENGE SEX?

HURT ME THE WAY I HURT YOU?

- NO, JEN.
- OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?

I--

[chuckles]

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN
TO FEEL MY HEAT.

YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH THIS--THIS EMMA?

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
LET'S SEE HOW SHE FEELS

WHEN FINDS OUT ABOUT
YOUR LITTLE, UH,

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

[dramatic music]

*

- I WAS JUST GONNA PUT
A COAT OF PRIMER FOR THE--

- YOU ARE A FUCKING PERVERT!

- SHE SOUNDS LIKE A WOOKIEE
WHEN SHE ORGASMS.

- YEAH, SHE DOES.

- [growls]

I THOUGHT
YOU WANTED JEN BACK.

- I FELL IN LOVE
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

- AND--AND YOU SLEPT WITH JEN
BECAUSE...

- I HAD TO.

- 'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOU HAD TO.

YEAH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT,

BUT, UM,

DID I EVER THANK YOU
FOR THE RIHANNA THING?

- ONLY ABOUT 100 TIMES.

- THANK YOU.

- PUT MY PANTS ON.

[upbeat music]

*

- GOOD MORNING.

WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.

CHECKING A GUEST IN?

- UH, NO, ACTUALLY
I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR EMMA,

AND IT'S REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT

THAT SHE GETS IT
RIGHT AWAY.

- WELL, SHE'S NOT IN TODAY,

BUT I'LL SEE TO IT
THAT SHE GETS IT

FIRST THING TOMORROW.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

- MY PLEASURE, MA'AM.

[dogs barking]

MY PLEASURE.

[surf crashing]

- HI.
- HI.

- WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,

IT'S HARD TO SCREW UP
THIS KIND OF PERFECTION.

- IT IS.

OKAY, THEN.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME
WHERE WE'RE GOING TONIGHT.

- I'M TAKING YOU SOMEWHERE
THAT WILL SHED SOME LIGHT

ONTO WHY
I'M UNNATURALLY FIENDING

TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

- OKAY.

LET'S GO.
- ALL RIGHT.

- AS WONDERFUL
AS MASTURBATION IS,

IT'S--IT'S THE CHAFING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO--

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH--
- HEY, EMMA!

- HI.
SORRY.

- HEY, EMMA.

- HELLO.
- HI.

- HEY, EMMA.
- HEY.

- NEW GUY.

SO I WAS RECENTLY TEMPTED
OVER THE WEEKEND.

YOU SEE, THERE WAS
THIS NICE, YOUNG LADY,

AND I MET HER AT THE CLUB.

AND SHE WAS--

SHE WAS SUCH A LITTLE WHORE.

SHE WANTED ME
TO RIP HER CLOTHES OFF

RIGHT THERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR
AND PUT HER UP AGAINST THE WALL,

BUT, UM--

BUT I DID NOT DO THAT.

LIKE A GOOD BOY,
I WENT INTO THE MEN'S ROOM,

WALKED INTO A STALL,

LOCKED IT,

DROPPED MY FUCKING PANTS,

AND I JACKSON POLLOCKED
THAT SHIT EVERYWHERE,

RELEASING THREE WEEKS
OF TENSION IN ONE NIGHT.

SADLY, I, UM--

I RUINED MY REALLY GOOD
GOING OUT SHIRT

WITH MY OWN JISM.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE.

[applause]

- THANK YOU, SONNY,

FOR THAT
NEEDLESSLY GRAPHIC TESTIMONY.

WHO'D LIKE TO SPEAK NEXT?

- I WOULD.

HI, I'M EMMA.

- HI, EMMA.
- HI.

AND--

AND I'M A SEX ADDICT.

ACTUALLY, THIS WEEK
MARKS MY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY

ABSTAINING FROM SEX.

- WOW, WOW.

- THANK YOU.

IT WAS CRAZY HARD, THOUGH,
NOT GIVING IN.

I MEAN, THERE WERE SOME TIMES

WHERE I THOUGHT I'D JUMP
THE FIRST GUY

WHO SAID GOOD MORNING TO ME,

BUT I DIDN'T.

IT MADE ME STRONGER.

IT MADE ME UNDERSTAND
HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS

TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT GUY
TO COME ALONG

AND HOW SPECIAL IT WILL BE

WHEN I FINALLY DO SHARE MYSELF
WITH HIM.

[soft piano music]

I THINK I FOUND HIM.

I JUST HOPE,
NOW THAT I'VE SHARED

MY DARKEST SECRET WITH HIM,

HE DOESN'T RUN AWAY.

*

THANK YOU.

[applause]

*

HOW COMPLETELY FREAKED
ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

- SLIGHT-TO-MILD FREAK.

HEY.

SERIOUSLY, I CAN TAKE IT.

- WELL, I NEEDED YOU TO KNOW
THAT PART OF MY LIFE,

'CAUSE I MADE A PROMISE
TO MYSELF

THAT THE NEXT PERSON I WAS WITH
WOULD BE THE LAST,

LIKE, THE WHOLE
"TILL DEATH DO US PART" THING.

[soft acoustic guitar music]

- * YOUR SKIN IS SOFT,
AND MINE IS ROUGH *

- IS THIS JUST, UM,
MY ADDICTION OR SOMETHING ELSE?

- * AND ALL I KNOW IS...

- SOMETHING ELSE.

- * I CAN'T PULL AWAY

* BUT THEN AGAIN,
I NEVER WOULD *

* BUT I START TO FEEL

* YOUR BREATH MIXED WITH MINE

* I KNOW THAT YOUR HANDS
AND YOUR LEGS *

* ARE NOT FAR BEHIND

* CAN'T TELL WHERE I END

* AND THEN WHERE YOU BEGIN

* I LOVE GETTING TANGLED

* THE GOOD KIND OF TANGLED

* WITH YOU

*

[music fades]

- [whispers]
YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE.

- YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

- [chuckles]

I MEAN,
EVEN IF I DIDN'T LIKE YOU

AS MUCH AS I DO,
I'D BE A COMPLETE FOOL

TO LET SOMEONE WITH YOUR TALENTS
GET AWAY.

- I WASN'T ALWAYS THIS GOOD.

IT'S LUCK, SKILL,
AND A WHOLE LOT OF--

SORRY.

- NO,
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW
HOW MANY PEOPLE

I'VE BEEN WITH.

- YOU SAID "PEOPLE," LIKE...
- MM-HMM.

- WOMEN TOO?

REALLY?

WELL, NOW, THOSE EXPERIENCES,
YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO SHARE

IN AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE.

- [whispers]
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

WILL I SEE YOU LATER?

[surf crashing]

- I GET OFF AT 9:00.

DROP OFF A MOVIE,
AND I'LL COME OVER.

- CAN'T WAIT.

- HEY, JERRY.

- MORNING, EM.

HEY, SOMEBODY LEFT THIS
FOR YOU YESTERDAY.

- OH.

WHO WAS IT?

- SHE DIDN'T SAY
WHO SHE WAS.

- OH.

THANK YOU.

[dogs barking]

- RUFF, RUFF.

[somber acoustic guitar music]

*

- HEY.

THOUGHT I WAS COMING
TO SEE YOU.

*

WHAT'S THIS?

- A SURVEILLANCE VIDEO

FROM THE MALL.

*

- LOOK.
I CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE ONLY KISSED AT THAT POINT,

SO I CAN'T REALLY PULL

ANY SORT OF TERRITORIAL
THING HERE,

BUT LOOK.

I JUST CAME HERE
TO FIND OUT ONE THING:

WHEN YOU HAD SEX WITH JEN,

WAS THAT BECAUSE YOU
STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR HER,

OR WAS THAT SOMETHING DIFFERENT?

- NO, WAIT.
EMMA, LOOK. LOOK.

IT'S WAY MORE COMPLICATED
THAN THAT.

IT'S--
- OKAY.

OKAY, SO IT'S TRUE.
- WAIT.

WAIT.
WAIT, PLEASE.

JEN BROKE UP WITH ME

BECAUSE I WAS LOUSY IN BED,

AND I WANTED TO GET BETTER
SO I COULD GET HER BACK,

'CAUSE I THOUGHT I LOVED HER,
AND THERE WAS THIS TAPE

WITH THESE RULES, AND I HAD
TO SLEEP WITH THESE WOMEN

IN A CERTAIN ORDER.

IT MADE ME BETTER.

AND THEN I MET YOU,

AND YOU WERE ON THE TAPE,
BUT I--

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

*

I TOLD JEN I DIDN'T LOVE HER
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
WITH ANYONE ELSE,

AND I NEVER WILL BE--

THAT WHOLE
"TILL DEATH DO US PART" THING.

LOOK ME IN THE EYES,
AND TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

*

- THIS IS MY SEX ADDICTS
ANONYMOUS SPONSOR.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, WILL.

YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH IT.

- EMMA, I'M--

I'M NOT JUST A WHORE.

I'M SORRY.
- I'M--

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S FINE.

- COME ON.
- NOPE, IT'S FINE.

- IT--IT'S JUST,
I DID THIS FOR US.

- EXCUSE ME.
- EMMA, PLEASE.

*

- SORRY, MAN.

THAT MUST REALLY HURT.

WANT TO GO GET A THAI MASSAGE?

[mutters]

ALL RIGHT.

* HAPPY ENDING TIME FOR ME

[somber piano music]

*

[knocking]

- OH, OH, OH!

[laughs]

MM, HI.

[clears throat]

WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.

I TRUST YOU'VE HAD
A VERY ACTIVE MONTH,

YOUNG SQUIRE.

- I JUST NEED TO GIVE THIS BACK.

- OH.

OH, MY.

WAIT.
WAIT JUST ONE SECOND.

[upbeat jazzy music]

*

[record scratches]

[upbeat music]

- AH, GODDAMN, WILL.

IT'S BEEN 30 DAYS ALREADY, HUH?

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE,

SLIMY DUDE, BUT--

OKAY, FINE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
BUT I'M NOT COMING IN.

I JUST WANT TO RETURN
THIS STUPID TAPE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, WILL?
WAS THERE A PROBLEM?

DID YOU SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE?

- LOOK, I DON'T REALLY
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU.

CAN YOU JUST TAKE
THE GODDAMN TAPE BACK?

- WILL,
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT ONE OF THE WOMEN
YOU SLEPT WITH

COULD END UP BEING THE ONE
YOU'RE MEANT TO BE WITH

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

- YEAH, OKAY,
THAT FUCKING OCCURRED TO ME.

IT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

- BECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT

THAT YOU'VE BEEN BONING
OTHER WOMEN?

- YEAH, IT'S FUNNY
HOW THAT LITTLE DETAIL

DOESN'T SIT SO WELL
WITH THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.

- WILL, REMEMBER THE RULES
OF THE FUCKING TAPE.

IN ORDER TO RETAIN
YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS,

YOU HAVE TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE

IN THE ORDER THAT YOU SAW 'EM,

AND YOU HAVE TO RETURN
THE GODDAMN TAPE IN 30 DAYS.

- YEAH, TODAY'S THE 30TH DAY.

- AND WOULDN'T IT BE FUCKED UP

IF THAT TAPE DOESN'T GET
RETURNED UNTIL TOMORROW?

NOT ONLY WILL YOU LOSE
EVERYTHING YOU'VE GAINED,

BUT ALL THE WOMEN YOU'VE MET,

THEY'LL NEVER REMEMBER
THEY EVEN MET YOU.

WILL, YOU REALLY WANT TO BE
WITH THIS WOMAN, DON'T YOU?

I THINK BOTH YOU AND I
KNOW THE TRUTH.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, SON.

IT'S GONNA TAKE
A WHOLE LOT OF WORK.

- YEAH.
[door clicks]

- WHY, HELLO, YOUNG MAN.

YOU WANT TO COME IN
AND SHOW MY WIFE

EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED
THE PAST MONTH?

- UH, OKAY, UH...

- [laughing]

- GOD DAMN IT.

WILL YOU PLEASE
PUT THAT FUCKING THING AWAY

AND GO GET THE BALL GAG
IN THE KIDS' TOY BOX

LIKE I ASKED?

- THIS ONE,
ALWAYS SO BOSSY.

SEE YOU SOON, WILL.

[relaxed jazzy music]

*

- WHAT A TOOL.

ANYWAY,
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- THANK YOU, WISE SEX DUDE.

- I'M THE BEST.

[laughing]

*

TAKE IT EASY, WILL.

- SO EMMA'S
REALLY GONNA FORGET ME?

[engine turns over]

[engine revving]

[rhythmic laughter]

[laughter stops]

- MMM, YEAH, MMM.

MMM, MORNING.

CAN I FIX YOU SOME--

[birds chirping]

MMM, MMM.

[engine revving]

- FOR THE BACHELOR.

AND THIS IS MY BABY.

[laughter]

- HI, THERE.

WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.

OH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE GUY?

HEY.

- FLASH.

HIS NAME'S FLASH.

- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT NAME.

WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR FLASH TODAY?

FOR YOUR DOG?

- SIR,
IF YOU COME WITH ME,

WE CAN BEGIN
THE INTERVIEW PROCESS FOR FLASH,

SEE IF HE'S COMPATIBLE
WITH THE OTHER GUESTS

HERE AT THE RITZ.

- SORRY, I JUST REMEMBERED
I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE.

I'LL COME BACK LATER
TO INTERVIEW.

- OKAY.

BYE, FLASH.

- HOLY SHIT.

SHE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW ME.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE
HE PUT MY VIDEO ON YOUTUBE?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW A BILLION
PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE IT,

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN SEND IT
IN FOR MY BACHELOR AUDITION.

HI, CAN WE HELP YOU?

- I GUESS NOT.

- AH, SERIAL KILLER MUCH?

- HEY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

I THINK I ALREADY KNOW
THE ANSWER TO THIS,

BUT DO YOU REMEMBER ME AT ALL?

- LOOK, BACK THE FUCK OFF,
FREAK.

- I JUST NEED TO KNOW
IF YOU REMEMBER ME.

- LOOK, JUST BECAUSE
I'M A YOGA TEACHER,

DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T KICK
YOUR FUCKING ASS!

- OKAY--OH, GOD!

[groaning]

OH, GOD.

[soft instrumental music]

*

- * I WISH...

[knocking]

- KEEP STALKING
THOSE BITCHES, PARTNER.

- * EVERY TIME
YOU LOOKED AT ME *

* WITH THAT COLDNESS
IN YOUR STARE *

*

* AT LEAST THEN,
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE *

* WHEN YOU WALK AWAY

* AND I'M STUCK
LOOKING LIKE A LOVER ON TV *

* DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU
BREAK MY HEART *

* DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU
BREAK MY HEART *

*

* AGAIN

[keyboard tapping]

* AGAIN

*

[music fades]

[pounding at door]

- OCUPADO.

[grunts]

HEY, MAN,
WHERE YOU BEEN?

YOU'VE BEEN HOLED UP IN THERE
FOR A WEEK.

DUDE.

YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!

MAYBE THAT'S ME.

- WHY WAS MY DOG THERE?

- DUDE, THIS DOESN'T SUCK!

- YOU'RE HERE TO BUY SOMETHING.

WE DON'T NEED--

NO, WE DON'T NEED TO GO

THROUGH ALL THE DETAILS.

WE'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU
ALREADY LIKE IT.

WE'RE HERE BECAUSE OF THIS.

SHOW 'EM THE--
SHOW 'EM THE COVER.

THIS--YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

- WE'RE DEFINITELY HERE
BECAUSE OF THIS.

- BAM!

- WOW.
- CHECK THAT OUT.

- IN A SINGLE BREATH,

IT'S AMAZING.

RIGHT?
- IT'S AMAZING.

- ALL RIGHT?
SUPER DAD.

THIS GUY CAME UP WITH THE STORY.

I'M DOING THE INKING.

WHAT DOES A SUPER DAD HAVE?

SUPERPOWERS AND...
- SUPER BABIES.

- SUPER BABIES.

[stirring music]

*

* THIS IS THE LAST HOUR

* OF THE LAST DAY

* BEFORE THE FIRST DAY

* OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

* PICK YOURSELF UP NOW

- HI, UH.

[gasping]

HOW DID YOU GUYS
COME UP WITH THE IDEA

ABOUT SUPER DAD?

- OH, UH, WELL,

WILL HAD A GENERAL STORY IDEA

ABOUT A MAN-SLUT
WITH SUPERPOWERS

WHO KNOCKED UP
A BUNCH OF HIS ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

SO THAT GOT US THINKING,

WHAT IF ALL THAT HUMPING AROUND

CAME BACK TO HAUNT HIM
IN SOME WAY?

SO THEN WE THOUGHT,
OKAY, HERE'S THE PLOT:

SUPER DAD'S ENEMIES
KILL ALL OF HIS FORMER LOVERS

TO GET BACK AT SUPER DAD,

BUT WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW
IS THAT SUPER DAD

HAS ALL THESE ILLEGITIMATE
CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND

WHO HAVE INHERITED
HIS SUPERPOWERS.

SO NOW NOT ONLY IS HE IN CHARGE
OF DEFENDING THE ENTIRE WORLD,

HE'S GOT TO RAISE THIS GAGGLE
OF SUPERPOWERED BABIES.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
THE SPRINGBOARD

TO THE WHOLE, UH--
THE WHOLE SERIES.

RIGHT, WILL?

- YEAH, WHAT HE SAID.
HE GOT IT.

- OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, OH, GOD.
- THERE YOU GO.

TAKE CARE.
- BYE.

- YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD ACT

LIKE YOU'RE
ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.

- I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

NOWHERE I'D RATHER BE.

- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO...

- [panting]

HEY.
- HI, HI.

- CAN YOU GUYS
MAKE IT OUT TO RONNIE,

YOUR FAVORITE MERE MORTAL?

- NO PROBLEM.
- SURE.

[mumbling]

THERE YOU GO.

- THIS ONE TOO.

IT'S THE FIRST BOOK
YOU EVER INKED.

- SEE? A REAL FAN.
- NICE.

- AND THIS.

I JUST HAPPENED
TO BE WALKING BY

WHERE YOU GUYS
HAPPENED TO BE HAVING DINNER.

TAKEN THROUGH THE WINDOW,
BUT--

- [chuckling]

COOL.
- IT STILL WORKS.

IT'S YOU GUYS.

- YOU JUST FOUND US, HUH?
- YEAH.

I ALSO GOT THIS
OUT OF THE BATHROOM STALL

THAT YOU GUYS USED
AFTER LUNCH TODAY.

- OKAY.
- ABDUL.

- ABDUL.
- PLEASE.

- SIGNATURE ON THAT--

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

- HEY.
- I LOVE YOU GUYS!

- TAKE CARE.

- SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST,
LIKE, SUPER WEIRD.

[laughs]

- OH, MAN.

- HEY.

- HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU GOT?

- CAN YOU MAKE IT OUT
TO LANDON?

- SURE.

- I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE THE GUY
THAT CAME TO THE RITZ

RECENTLY WITH THE DOG

WITH THE REALLY CUTE UNDERBITE.

FLASH, RIGHT?

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- YOU TOO.

THIS IS MY NEPHEW.
HE LOVES YOUR COMIC.

- SWEET, WELL, MAKE SURE
YOU GET A SUBSCRIPTION THEN.

THAT WAY,
YOU DON'T MISS AN ISSUE.

- OH, I WILL.
- GREAT.

THERE YOU GO, MAN.

- THANK YOU.
- THANKS, GUYS.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- YOU KNOW THAT CHICK?

- VAGUELY.

- AWESOME, APPRECIATE IT.

YOU GUYS DID GREAT,
AWESOME.

YEAH, WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS
NEXT WEEK.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT.

GUYS,
THAT WAS A AWESOME JOB, MAN.

THOSE KIDS WERE STOKED,
ALL RIGHT?

READY FOR NEXT WEEK?

DO IT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
- ROCK AND ROLL.

- SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

- THAT WAS FUN.

- I USED TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

- YOU DID?
- YEAH.

- [chuckles]

- I USED TO HAVE SUCH A CRUSH

ON JOHNNY STORM
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

MY BROTHER
WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,

SO I GOT THE GEEK EDUCATION...

both: BY OSMOSIS.

[soft piano music]

- THANKS AGAIN
FOR SIGNING MY NEPHEW'S COPY

OF YOUR COMIC.

YOU TOTALLY MADE HIS LIFE.

- NO, MY PLEASURE.

- SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I SHOULD PROBABLY FIND HIM.

- I THINK HE'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY PARENTS
USED TO BRING ME HERE AS A KID,

I COULDN'T WAIT FOR THEM
TO LEAVE

SO I COULD DO THE SAME THING
HE'S DOING NOW.

I BET HE'S FORGOTTEN
ALL ABOUT HIS AUNT EMMA.

- MEANING I HAVE TIME
FOR MY OWN LEISURELY PURSUITS?

- IF ONE WERE SO INCLINED.

- WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

- MAYBE COFFEE,

TWO CHAIRS,
WITTY BANTER,

YOU AND ME.

THERE'S A PLACE
RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

I'M SURE ABDUL CAN KEEP AN EYE
ON YOUR NEPHEW.

- WELL, YOU'RE THE BIG SHOT
COMIC BOOK WRITER.

YOU'RE PAYING.

- NOT REALLY A BIG SHOT YET.

- UM, WELL, THEN I CAN SAY
I KNEW YOU WHEN.

- WHEN WHAT?

- WHEN YOU...

*

WERE JUST A STRUGGLING ARTIST?

I DON'T KNOW.

*

- * LATELY

* I'VE BEEN WEARING YOU

* LIKE A FADED, OLD TATTOO

* FORGETTING ALL THE JOY
I FELT *

* WHEN HOLDING YOU WAS NEW

* BUT IF I CAN'T TURN
THE CLOCKS BACK *

* OR HELP YOUR HEARTACHE MEND

* LET ME LOVE YOU

- * LOVE YOU

- * FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

[upbeat music]

* WE'VE HAD FALSE STARTS

* AND FIZZLE OUTS

* AND BLURRED THE LINES
OF RIGHT AND WRONG *

- * AH, AH, AH

- * WE'VE HAD WRONG WAYS

* AND TURNABOUTS

* AND ONLY ENDED UP MORE LOST

- * AH, AH, AH

- * BUT MAYBE THERE'S
A BETTER WAY *

* TO FINALLY
GET AHOLD OF IT *

* 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I WANT *

* TO EVER START
ALL OVER WITH *

* REMEMBER
THAT THE FINISH LINE'S *

* ANOTHER WORD
FOR THE END *

* LET ME LOVE YOU

- * LOVE YOU

- * FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

*

* FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

*

[relaxed jazzy music]

- WHEN THE DOCTOR
DIAGNOSED MY NUT CANCER

AS INOPERABLE,
I DECIDED TO LIVE EACH DAY

TO ITS FULLEST
AND REALLY GO OUT THERE

AND DO ALL THE THINGS
THAT I HAD PUT OFF,

LIKE CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST

AND LEARNING TO PLAY
THE SLIDE GUITAR

AND VOLUNTEERING
AT THE REFUGEE CAMP

IN "DARFAR."

- DARFUR.
- DARFUR.

- DARFUR.

- BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I DID IS

ADOPT THIS ABUSED PUPPY
FROM THE ANIMAL SHELTER.

- YOU ARE SO SWEET.

- HOW LONG DID THE DOCTOR
GIVE YOU?

- I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE
A MONTH AGO.

OH, YES, THERE'S STILL FIGHT
LEFT IN THIS FLAWED HUMAN SHELL.

[exhales sharply]

- NATHAN.
- YEAH?

- WE GOT TO GO.

- YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW?

- I JUST HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE,

SO UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE
WANTS TO GIVE HIM A RIDE--

- WE CAN DO IT.

- REALLY?
YOU WOULDN'T MIND?

- RIGHT, LATER.

- OH, ONE MINUTE.

WOULD YOU MIND?
- NO, NO.

- WHAT'S UP?

- EXCELLENT WINGMANSHIP, MAN,
EXCELLENT.

WHO KNEW THAT PUPPIES
WERE SUCH GREAT BABE MAGNETS?

WE SHOULD GET A BUNCH OF 'EM.

- GOOD LUCK CLOSING THE DEAL.
- WHERE YOU OFF TO?

- DATE WITH EMMA.
- VAYA CON DIOS, BRO.

- DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?

- NO.

BUT IT SOUNDS COOL
'CAUSE IT'S MEXICAN.

LADIES, THANK YOU.

- WE JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
ANY WAY WE CAN.

- REALLY?

I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN A THREESOME.

THERE ARE THREE OF US,
AND I MAY DIE SOON.

[coughs]

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A NO TO ME.

[both chuckle]

- UM, WHAT ABOUT FLASH?

- WELL, WE COULD MAKE IT
A FOURSOME.

[upbeat music]

- THAT'S SOME KINKY SHIT,
AND I LIKE IT.

LET'S DO THIS.

*

ting!

[electricity buzzing
and crackling]

[echoing moan]