Original subtitles

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

[VCR clicks and whines]

[squealing]

[rhythmic laughter]

[upbeat music]

*

- [yawns]

*

- * I KNOW IT'S YOU

* BABY, I DON'T MIND

* BUT I WON'T PICK UP

* PAY NO MIND

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY *

* YES, IT FEELS LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY *

*

* SO MUCH BETTER

- YOU DON'T DO IT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THOUGH.

LIKE, THAT'S A LIE. - WELL, I TRY.

- HEY, GUYS. - WILL.

YOU'RE WAY EARLY FOR THE NEW STOCK.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN UNPACKED THE BOXES YET.

- I JUST, UH--

I JUST NEED MONEY TO BUY A RING.

- [clears throat]

- A RING?

- YOU MEAN A RING, RING-- RING?

- YES, RING.

HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME?

- [clears throat]

- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.

- NO WOMAN

IS WORTH THE FIRST ISSUE OF FANTASTIC FOUR,

AND YOU KNOW IT.

THIS IS A CULTURAL LANDMARK.

IT IS FUCKING ART,

AND YOU WANT TO SELL IT TO BUY SOME COOZE A DIAMOND?

- SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT. - HMM.

HAS SHE EVEN READ FANTASTIC FOUR, HMM?

CAN SHE NAME ONE TEAM MEMBER?

[whispers] ONE?

- ABDUL, HOW MUCH?

- [whispering] A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.

[scoffs]

- SO ARE WE IN BUSINESS?

- LET'S DO IT.

- ALL RIGHT.

[upbeat rock music]

*

[clattering and screaming]

- JEN?

JEN! JEN!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?

JEN!

JEN!

[grunts]

[suspenseful music]

- [screaming] - I'M COMING, BABY.

[grunts]

[squeals]

[squeals and grunts]

JEN, I'M COMING, BABY!

I'M HERE.

RICKY SHREDDER, COME ON, LET'S SAVE MOMMY.

*

- YEAH.

COME ON.

YEAH! - JEN?

- [gasping]

OH, MY GOD, STOP.

- I HEARD SCREAMING.

IS HE HURTING YOU?

- OH, HEY.

- YEAH.

- OKAY. - [sighs]

- SO SHOULD I JUST FINISH INSIDE YOU OR WHAT?

YEAH, UH-HUH. - UH-HUH.

[moaning and gasping]

[echoing moaning]

HEY, SWEETIE.

- HEY, JEN.

- HOW YOU FEELING?

- OH, GOD, I JUST HAD THE MOST AWFUL NIGHTMARE.

I DREAMT THAT I CAME OVER HERE AND HEARD YOU SCREAMING,

AND YOU WERE JUST BANGING THIS--

- GOT YOU THIS ICE PACK FOR YOUR ANKLE.

- ASSHOLE! - EASY, BRO.

- WILL. - WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

- OKAY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- I THINK IT'S YOU HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER GUY.

PLEASE TELL ME IF IT'S POSSIBLY ANYTHING ELSE.

- MM, NO, THAT--THAT WAS IT.

- FUCK YOU! - OKAY, OKAY.

EVERYBODY TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH HERE, OKAY?

- WILL, IT WAS JUST SEX.

- WELL, IT WAS SPECTACULAR SEX, REALLY.

I--I KNOW.

- SHUT UP. - I--SPECTACULAR.

LOOK, TEMPERS ARE FLARING HERE, AND EMOTIONS ARE RAW,

SO I THINK IT'S BEST MAYBE IF I JUST LEAVE

BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING OR DOES SOMETHING

THAT THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK.

- I HOPE YOUR DICK ROTS OFF.

- LIKE THAT.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THAT STATEMENT LATER,

BUT I ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR RESENTMENT,

AND I ACCEPT IT.

CALL YOU LATER. - OKAY.

- YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO KEEP THAT ELEVATED

WITH THE ICE RIGHT WHERE IT IS THERE.

OKAY.

YOU ARE AN ANGRY LITTLE MAN.

[door clicks]

- OH, GOD, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

- WILL, WILL, WILL, PLEASE, JUST--

OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH STEVE.

- STEVE, HIS--HIS NAME IS STEVE. YEAH, WELL, THAT'S--

I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER KNOWING YOU'RE--THERE'S--

YOU WERE JUST HAVING FUN WITH STEVE.

THERE'S NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO STEVE.

- NO, OKAY, OKAY, BUT SEE, THAT'S--THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING MISSING IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,

SOMETHING PHYSICAL,

AND YOU'RE JUST NOT GIVING IT TO ME.

- WHAT DOES STEVE GIVE YOU THAT I CAN'T?

- SCREAM.

HE MAKES ME SCREAM.

THE WAY YOU HEARD ME SCREAM, THE WAY I--

I WANT TO SCREAM.

- THIS IS A SEX THING? - YES.

- NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE TRYING TO-- YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT I CAN'T GIVE YOU--

- NO.

- THAT I'VE NEVER GIVEN YOU AN-- - NOT ONCE.

- YOU'VE HAD ORGASMS.

- NAH, I--I WAS FAKING IT. - I'VE HEARD YOU.

NOT EVERY TIME. - EVERY TIME.

YOU'VE ACTUALLY NEVER HEARD ME CLIMAX,

NOT--NOT FOR REAL.

OKAY, WHAT YOU HEARD BEFORE YOU CAME IN THAT ROOM,

THAT'S WHAT I SOUND LIKE.

GOD, I'M SO SORRY, WILL.

I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.

WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OKAY, COME ON, I LOVE YOU. - BUT WHAT?

BECAUSE I DON'T PLUG YOUR OUTLET THE RIGHT WAY,

YOU'RE GONNA THROW AWAY A YEAR AND A HALF TOGETHER?

YOU--YOU--YOU COULDN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS,

GIVEN ME THE CHANCE TO IMPROVE?

- WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS NUMEROUS TIMES,

AND YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN.

YOU IMPROVE FOR A DAY OR SO,

BUT YOU DON'T GET CLOSE TO GETTING ME OFF.

AND THEN YOU GO BACK TO HUMPING SO FAST,

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN SOME SORT OF WORLD SPEED RECORD.

- OH, JESUS, SO I'M TOO FAST TOO.

- YEAH.

- DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

YOU'D LIKE TO GIVE ME BEFORE WE PART WAYS?

- WELL, YOU KNOW THAT HIGH-PITCHED NOSE WHISTLE

WHEN YOU'RE FINISHING?

IT DOESN'T DO YOU ANY FAVORS.

[sighs]

I'M SORRY. YOU ASKED.

I...

- RICKY SHREDDER, GO TO MOMMY.

- COME HERE.

- SIT.

RICKY SHREDDER,

TAKE CARE OF MOMMY.

- OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHY DID--

WHY DID YOU STOP BY TODAY?

- I CAME BY TO ASK YOU...

[chuckles]

TO ASK YOU IF YOU KNOW WHO JOHNNY STORM IS.

- UH, THE SLEAZY WEATHER GUY ON CHANNEL SEVEN?

- IT'S THE FANTASTIC FOUR.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

- WILL, I'M SORRY.

[bouncy percussive music]

*

- HEY.

- WHOA, THERE'S MY NEWLY ENGAGED SON.

[laughing]

HOW'D SHE REACT?

COME ON, I WANT THE DETAILS.

- SHE SCREAMED

A LOT.

- YOU KNOW, WHEN I PROPOSED TO YOUR MOTHER,

SHE WAS SO ECSTATIC,

SHE GAVE ME HUMMERS EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A MONTH.

- GOD, DAD. - NO, LISTEN.

BLOW JOBS GO THE WAY OF BETA TAPE AND DRIVE-IN MOVIES

ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED, SO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT.

- YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES?

- I NEED SOME SWEET NECTAR

TO ATTRACT A CERTAIN BEE.

- WHO?

- YOUR MOTHER.

- YOU HAVE A DATE WITH MOM?

- SHE HAS A DATE,

AND I'M FOLLOWING HER TO MAKE SURE THE LOSER

KEEPS HIS INMATE IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

- [sniffs]

DID YOU PUT ON COLOGNE TO STALK MOM?

- DRAKKAR NOIR.

- OH, JESUS. - HER FAVORITE.

LISTEN, I GOT TO GET MY PORN BACK,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

THERE'S 10 BUCKS IN IT FOR YOU.

- 10 BUCKS? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, EIGHT?

- MAKE IT 20.

- WISH ME LUCK.

- OH, DEAR LORD.

- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

[bed creaks]

- SHE WAS.

SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.

- SOLD HER TO BUY JEN'S RING?

- YEAH.

A RING SHE DIDN'T WANT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE SAID NO?

I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE HAPPY.

- I WAS,

BUT I GUESS THAT IN ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER,

I NEVER MANAGED TO...

GET HER OFF.

- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU FOR THAT,

I MEAN, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU HOW TO FIX IT?

- SHE SAID SHE DID-- THAT I DIDN'T LISTEN.

- WELL, ANY GIRL WHO SAYS THAT IS EITHER LYING

OR TRYING TO FIND A EASY WAY OUT.

- NO, SHE'S RIGHT.

I SUCK IN BED, DUDE.

- YEAH, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT FOR SURE?

- I ASKED. - [laughs]

WILL, WE WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS SOPHOMORE YEAR.

I MEAN, I CAN BARELY REMEMBER WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST,

LET ALONE WHETHER OR NOT I GOT OFF WHEN WE HAD SEX.

- [laughing]

- YEAH, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

- OH.

- HOW ABOUT A CAPPUCCINO ON THE HOUSE?

- IT'S SO FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT THIS, WILL,

'CAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY, SOME OF MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I

WERE RECOUNTING OUR WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE,

AND YOU JUST HAPPENED TO COME TO MIND.

UGH, TOO YOUNG AND INEXPERIENCED.

AM I RIGHT?

[laughing]

- YOU WERE THE BEST LAY I EVER HAD,

AND I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR THAT FEELING

EVER SINCE WE BROKE UP.

THERE, WILL THAT HELP YOU SLEEP BETTER?

GOD, YOU LOSERS

AND YOUR QUARTER-LIFE PANIC ATTACKS--

IF I HAD A BUCK FOR EVERY TIME YOU PUSSIES GOT LONELY

AND ASKED HOW YOU WERE IN BED, I'D HAVE MY FAT SUCKED OFF

INSTEAD OF DOING THIS CRAP FIVE TIMES A WEEK.

GOD, THANKS A LOT, PRICK!

- I'M SORRY, WILL.

- YOU A TRULY... - TERRIBLE LAY.

- SHE WAS MY NEIGHBOR WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

SHE HAD SOFT HANDS.

- UGH.

LOOK, THIS--THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, ALL RIGHT?

ANY OF THESE WOMEN COULD HAVE TAKEN TWO SECONDS

OUT OF THEIR LIVES TO TELL YOU YOU WERE MISSING SOMETHING,

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

THIS IS THEIR FAILURE, NOT YOURS.

- I'M STILL THE ONE WHO GOT DUMPED.

- SO YOU HAVE A FEW BAD HABITS,

A COUPLE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE UP FOR.

- I LOST MY VIRGINITY WHEN I WAS 14.

THAT'S ALMOST HALF MY LIFE.

- OKAY.

WE NEED TO GET YOU BACK INTO REHAB RIGHT AWAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WE'RE GONNA GO OUT AND FIND THE EASIEST CHICK OUT THERE

AND HOP BACK ON THIS FLESH SADDLE,

AND THEN TOMORROW, YOU'RE GONNA DO THE SAME.

AND THEN THIS WEEKEND, YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING IT

UNTIL YOU'VE BANGED ENOUGH SKANKS

TO HONE YOUR CRAFT.

- I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A BUNCH OF WOMEN.

I JUST WANT JEN.

- I KNOW YOU DO,

BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU UNLESS YOU'VE FIXED YOUR PROBLEM,

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS, YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT,

BANG A COUPLE OF EASY SKEEZIES,

AND THEN GO BACK TO HER WITH WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED,

SHOW HER WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.

- YOU REALLY THINK IF I BECOME A BETTER LOVER,

SHE'LL TAKE ME BACK?

- NOT IF YOU USE THE WORD "LOVER."

[both chuckling]

- I GOT TO GO TO WORK.

- ALL RIGHT.

9:30, OPERATION TANG BANG BEGINS.

CONDOMS ARE ON ME.

- [groans]

DAD.

- HEY, CAN I ACTUALLY BORROW THAT 20 TO BUY THE CONDOMS?

[driving techno music]

*

- HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

HOLD ON ONE SECOND, PLEASE.

YEAH, OUR CLUB'S ACTUALLY AT CAPACITY RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO WAIT FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

- AIN'T--AIN'T THIS THE PARTY SUPPLY STORE?

- YES, BUT WE'RE AT CAPACITY RIGHT NOW,

SO I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES

JUST BECAUSE WE ADHERE TO A VERY STRICT FIRE--

- LOOK, I GOT TO GET A PIÑATA FOR MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

YOU GOT TO--YOU BETTER GET TO STEPPIN' WITH THIS SHIT.

- YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. JUST GIVE ME--

- IF YOU DON'T MOVE THAT ROPE,

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU, STICK YOU IN A FUCKING CAR,

FILL YOU UP WITH CANDY, LET MY KIDS GO TO TOWN

AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

THEN--THEN--

OH, OKAY, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, MOTHERFUCKER.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

I LOVE MY JOB.

- * HANDS LIKE THIS

- * OH

- LOOK AT ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE.

WHOO! WHOO!

RELATIO, WHAT'S THE HAPS AFTER WORK, MY MAN?

A LITTLE BOOZE AND BITCHES, AM I RIGHT, HUH?

- I THINK I'M GONNA DROP OFF SOME DVDs AND HEAD HOME, RYAN.

- YOU SURE? 'CAUSE PEEP THIS.

I GOT VIP PASSES TO THAT NEW STRIP CLUB,

THE THROBBING UNICORN, HUH, HUH?

SOMEONE JUST LEFT THESE ON MY WINDSHIELD.

I JUST FOUND 'EM THERE. HUH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

- I'M GOOD. THANKS ANYWAY.

- ALL RIGHT, MORE LAP DANCES FOR ME.

all: HI.

- OH, HI. - HI.

- GET IN HERE. LOOK AT THAT ASS, RIGHT?

HOLD UP. STOP.

YOU, PERM THE NAP.

MAYBE LOSE A LITTLE BIT OF THE WEIGHT AROUND THE HIPS,

ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE GET ON THE LAP-BAND.

SHOW A LITTLE MORE CLEAVAGE,

AND YOU'RE IN NEXT TIME, OKAY?

- BUT WE'RE TWINS. - PSH, YEAH, RIGHT.

AND THIS GUY'S BLACK.

SHE'S NOT WEARING A BRA. YOU ARE.

WHAT IS THIS, A WRIGLEY DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL

OR SOMETHING?

- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

UH...

[clattering]

- OOH, OOH, PLEASE, CAN I PLEASE COME IN?

- WE'RE CLOSING. - I KNOW.

I KNOW, BUT I WILL BE SO SUPER QUICK,

LIKE, BLINK AND YOU MISS ME--

THE FLASH WITH BOOBS.

- YOU KNOW WHO THE FLASH IS?

- SUPER SPEED, LITTLE WINGY THINGIES ON HIS MASK,

HIS REAL NAME'S BARRY ALLEN.

MY BROTHER WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,

SO I KIND OF GOT GEEK EDUCATION BY OSMOSIS.

- I MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE COMIC BOOK GEEKS.

- YOU? - YEAH.

- NO.

TOO CUTE.

- AH, IN AND OUT.

- STEALTH-LIKE.

[techno music]

*

EXCUSE ME? DO YOU GUYS CARRY PIÑATAS?

- DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE?

- OH. - I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M MAITRE D'.

I'M JUST STACKING CUPS.

LET ME GO GET A SERVER AND JUST--YEAH.

*

- HELLO, THERE.

CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?

- NO, I'M GOOD, THANKS.

- SURE? - YEAH.

- MY NAME IS RYAN, MANAGER.

- OKAY. - I'LL BE AROUND.

- ALL RIGHT, COOL, THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

DELICIOUS.

* LOVE REDHEADS

- RUFF, RUFF.

I FOUND YOU ONE LAST PIÑATA. - OH.

AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. - YEAH.

- IT'S PERFECT. - COOL, JUST LET ME KNOW.

I CAN GIVE YOU A HAND OUT IF YOU NEED IT.

- OKAY, THANKS.

- WELL, THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT BEHIND THE VELVET ROPE.

WE STAYED OPEN AFTER HOURS FOR YOU.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW, UH, NEXT WEEK,

WE'RE HAVING A HAPPY HOUR, TWO FOR ONE,

SO YOU SHOULD COME TO THAT.

YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

[groans]

* TASTY

- [sniffs]

- HMM?

- YOU SMELL LIKE WET DOG ASS.

- I WORK OVER AT THE RITZ HOWLTON, SO...

- IS THAT THE FROUFROU DOG KENNEL ON COTNER?

- YOU KNOW, WE PREFER CANINE SPA AND MEDITATION RETREAT.

- OH.

- WHAT? - THAT'S CUTE.

- MOCK IF YOU LIKE, BUT, UH,

I KNOW ABOUT 30 DOGS WITH PRETTIER NAILS

THAN EITHER OF YOU.

- I'M A CAT PERSON,

SO...

- SHE'S ANGRY A LOT.

[both chuckling]

SO A LOT OF STUFF FOR A DOG PARTY.

- YEAH, WELL, ONE OF MY BOARDERS HAD PUPPIES LAST MONTH,

SO SHE'S THROWING A LITTLE BIRTHDAY BASH.

- FUN. - YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

- I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

THAT OKAY?

- THAT IS OKAY,

BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN ADOPT ONE OF THE PUPPIES.

COME ON.

- [chuckles]

- THANKS FOR BRINGING THE BOXES...

- YOU'RE WELCOME. - WITH YOUR ENTIRE CREW.

- THEY'RE--

[sighs]

HAVE FUN AT THE PARTY. - THANK YOU.

- DO YOU NEED CUPS?

OR DOES EVERYBODY DRINK OUT OF THE SAME PUNCH BOWL?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST FOR THAT, YOU'RE COMING TO MY PARTY.

- AM I NOW? - YES, YOU ARE.

- I'M WILL,

COMIC BOOK GEEK.

- EMMA, THE FLASH WITH BOOBS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

- 1768 GLENDON.

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S A SATURDAY FROM NOON TO 3:00,

AND I'LL DROP AN INVITE IN THE NEXT COUPLE DAYS.

- OKAY. - OKAY?

- COOL. - BYE.

- I'M NOT GONNA ADOPT A DOG.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

[keys jingling]

[relaxed jazzy music]

- [panting]

*

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. ROCHA,

AND TAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF THIS TIME.

THERE'S DELICATE FLESH DOWN THERE.

WHY, HELLO, YOUNG STRANGER.

I SEE YOU'RE RETURNING YOUR ADULT FEATURES.

- NO, THESE AREN'T MINE.

- WELL, WHY YOU'RE HERE, WHY DON'T WE GRAB A FEW MORE

FOR YOUR HOME VIEWING ENTERTAINMENT?

- NO, NO, I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED ANY MORE.

IT'S JUST FINE.

[door rattles]

- LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND ON OUR DOORSTEP.

- DID HE COME BY TO GET SOME PORN, POP?

- HE SURE DID, BILLY.

WHY DON'T YOU AND MARTY TAKE THIS HORNY BUSTER BROWN

INTO OUR VIDEO VAULT

WHERE HE CAN BROWSE OUR MANY FINE SELECTIONS?

- YOUR HOME IS A MOVIE SHOP?

- OH, JUST THE ONE ROOM,

AND IT'S ADULT DVDs AND VIDEOS ONLY.

BUT NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE LAUNCHING

OUR LIVE WEB STREAMING.

WHY, GRAHAM, ARE YOU SURE THIS ONE

DOESN'T NEED A LEGAL GUARDIAN TO WATCH OUR MOVIES?

- I MIGHT NEED TO CHECK SOME I.D.

[laughter]

- COME ON, WE HAVE TONS OF NEAT-O SMUT.

- COME ON, MARTY, TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS.

*

[door creaks]

[ominous music]

*

- WHOA. - WE JUST GOT THIS ONE IN.

YOU LIKE HERMAPHRODITES, RIGHT?

- UH, AREN'T YOU GUYS A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE IN HERE?

- GOSH, MISTER, WE'RE NOT A COUPLE OF HOWDY DOODYS.

PORN IS USED TO KEEP SHIFTLESS PERVERTS OFF THE STREETS.

- MOM AND POP SAY, IF MORE PEOPLE WATCH PORN,

MARRIAGES WOULD LAST LONGER

'CAUSE COUPLES WOULDN'T GET BORED

AND GO LOOKING OUTSIDE THE HOME FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

- JUST PUT THIS ONE RIGHT BACK IN THERE.

- CHILDREN, GIVE US A MINUTE. - AW, SHUCKS.

I DIDN'T GET TO SHOW YOU ANYTHING

FROM THE BARELY LEGAL SECTION.

- NOW, NOW, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

- RUN ALONG.

[relaxed jazzy music]

AREN'T THEY ANGELS?

WHY, I THINK THEY COULD RUN OUR LITTLE BUSINESS

BETTER THAN US.

[both laughing]

- HA, YEAH, UH, LOOK.

I'M SURE YOU HAVE A GREAT SELECTION HERE,

BUT I JUST KIND OF WANTED TO RETURN THOSE AND--

AND NOTHING ELSE I NEED FOR...

[eerie music]

*

[echoing moan]

[funky bass music]

WHAT IS THIS?

- WELL.

THAT IS A VERY SPECIAL FILM, YOUNG MAN,

THE CONTENTS OF WHICH DEFY THE LOGIC

OF EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVEMAKING.

IF YOU WATCH THAT FILM,

YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THAT VIDEO HAS GREAT POWER INSIDE.

WITHIN ITS MAGNETIC TAPE LIES A MAGIC

THAT GIVES ITS VIEWER THE POWER

TO BECOME ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST SEXUAL BEINGS.

- YOUR ENDURANCE WILL NEVER FAIL.

- YOUR STAMINA WILL NEVER CEASE.

- YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

WILL BECOME INFINITE AND EXACT.

- AND EVERY WOMAN YOU LIE WITH WILL ALWAYS BE SATISFIED.

- MANY, MANY TIMES OVER.

- AS IF YOU WERE THE STAR

OF YOUR VERY OWN NEVER-ENDING PORNOGRAPHIC FILM.

- I GET IT.

IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?

NATHAN CALLED YOU GUYS, SAID I WAS ON MY WAY OVER, YEAH.

- YOUNG MAN, WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FRIEND.

- WE NEVER TELL ANYONE WHO COMES HERE ABOUT THAT TAPE.

IT KNOWS WHO NEEDS HELP,

AND WHATEVER YOUR INTIMACY ISSUES ARE,

THEY WILL BECOME A THING OF THE PAST.

- I DON'T HAVE INTIMACY ISSUES.

[both laughing]

[both sigh]

- THERE ARE THREE RULES TO OBEY.

OTHERWISE, THE POWER THE FILM GIVES YOU WILL BE LOST.

ONE, FOLLOW THE ORDER OF THE WOMEN

YOU SEE ON THE TAPE.

YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH EACH,

BUT DO NOT SKIP ONE TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT.

- TWO, IF YOU FAIL TO SLEEP WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE,

YOU WILL LOSE YOUR GAINED SKILL AND KNOWLEDGE.

- THREE, THE TAPE MUST BE RETURNED

EXACTLY 30 DAYS FROM TONIGHT.

YOU MUST FINISH YOUR JOURNEY BY THAT TIME,

OR ALL OF YOUR EXPERIENCES BECOME NOTHING BUT MEMORIES

FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE.

WELL, NOW THAT THAT SUPER SERIOUS BALLYHOO

IS OUT OF THE WAY, WHO WANTS AN EGG CREAM?

both: I DO.

COME ON.

[slurping]

[laughter]

- SOMEONE SURE LOVES EGG CREAM.

- OH, DON'T TEASE THE BOY.

HE'S GONNA NEED ALL THE ENERGY HE CAN GET.

[both laughing]

- SO SEE YOU IN A MONTH.

all: SEE YOU IN A MONTH.

[relaxed jazzy music]

*

[engine revving]

- HEY, PLAYER, CAN YOU HELP A BROTHER OUT?

I'M LOOKING FOR THIS CLUB CALLED THE THROBBING UNICORN.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY LEFT THESE FREE PASSES

ON MY WINDSHIELD.

I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT SHIT, RIGHT?

ANYHOO, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,

AM I EVEN IN THE RIGHT MOTHERFUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD?

- YEAH, ACTUALLY, TAKE A LEFT.

GO TO THE LIGHT. TAKE A RIGHT.

AND THEN IT'LL BE ON YOUR LEFT-HAND SIDE.

- SWEET.

THANK YOU, WILL.

I'D ASK YOU TO COME ALONG WITH ME TONIGHT,

BUT, UM...

[sniffs]

YOU GOT SOME IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO,

SO YOU HURRY ON HOME, AND YOU WATCH THAT VIDEO.

THAT SHIT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE, SON.

[laughing]

PEACE.

[laughing]

[tires screech]

- WEIRD.

WAIT, HOW DOES THAT STRANGE GUY KNOW MY NAME?

[jaunty orchestral music]

*

YES.

YES.

[VCR whines]

OOH.

[tape squealing]

WAIT. WAS THAT ME?

[tape squealing]

OH--OH, SHIT.

AH, YES.

WAIT. NO, NO, COME ON.

*

OH, OH, YES, YES, YES.

WOW.

NO, GO BACK. COME ON.

SLO-MO, SLO-MO--

MOTION.

*

[zapping]

*

[electricity crackling]

ting!

[peaceful instrumental music]

*

[knock at door]

- ANYBODY HOME?

HEY, MAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT?

DID YOU GET MY MESSAGES-- OH, MY GOD!

WHAT, DID YOU TRY TO FUCK A LIGHT SOCKET?

- UM, I--THERE WAS--

[sighs]

- LISTEN, IF IT'S THAT MUCH EFFORT

TO TRY TO LIE ABOUT YOUR KINKY FETISHES,

I JUST DON'T CARE.

GET DRESSED.

OPERATION TANG BANG STARTED WITHOUT YOU, BUDDY.

WE GOT TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME.

- WE'RE WORKING OUT?

- SHEEP'S WOOL FOR YOUR WOLFLIKE INTERIOR.

- WHAT? - JUST TRUST ME.

WE'RE GONNA FUCK SOME LITTLE PIGGIES.

[upbeat music]

- REACH DOWN.

TURN YOUR LEFT ARM FORWARD.

REACH FROM YOUR HIP BONE TO YOUR BACK.

YOU WANT TO EXTEND OUT TO THE CROWN OF YOUR HEAD.

AS YOU HOLD YOUR BELLY IN,

SOFTEN THROUGH YOUR SHOULDER BLADES,

AND REACH YOUR HEELS BACK.

CHATURANGA.

- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME PAY 20 BUCKS

JUST TO FUCKING BREATHE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING? WILL YOU LOOK AROUND?

THIS IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF GIRL YOU SHOULD BE NAILING--

FLEXIBLE.

- PRESS ONE HEEL DOWN AT A TIME,

AND OPEN UP INTO VASHISTASANA.

AND TURNING THE LEFT PALM FORWARD,

SLIDE THE LEFT SHOULDER DOWN THE BACK.

- GOD, NO!

- ARE YOU OKAY? - UH, YEAH.

I KNOW YOU. - YOU DO?

[echoing moan]

SO ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN YOU FINISH? - YEAH, TOTALLY.

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

UM, ARE YOU OKAY?

- FINE, JUST FINE.

LET'S DO THE SECOND SIDE.

MOVE INTO PLANK POSE, PLEASE.

VASHISTASANA, SECOND SIDE...

- DUDE, SHE TOUCHED YOU. - YEAH, SO?

- [whispers] THAT'S AMAZING.

- LEFT HAND, LEFT FOOT, STACKING YOUR HIPS...

- I LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY. SORRY.

- "NAM-ASTY."

[applause]

- CLAP.

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles] DUDE.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE HITTING THAT.

I MEAN, EVERY GUY IN HERE HAS ASKED HER OUT.

SHE'S--SHE'S LIKE AIR FORCE ONE WITH HER OWN F-16.

THERE'S NO PENETRATING THAT AIRSPACE.

OOH, HEY, TIGHT PANTS GIRL-- TIGHT, HEY--

[whistling and clicking tongue]

COME HERE.

- HEY, I'M WILL, UH, FALLING GUY.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR NOT KICKING ME OUT EARLIER.

- I'M MARIE.

I THOUGHT YOU DID GREAT, THIS BEING YOUR FIRST CLASS.

- YOU NOTICED THAT, HUH?

- I DON'T DATE MY STUDENTS, WILL.

- NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

- THEN WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

- UM...

THIS.

- IS THAT SUPPOSED TO TURN ME ON?

- YES.

- GO SLOWER, WILL, MORE GENTLE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- YEAH, YEAH, COOL.

WAIT, LIKE, WE'RE REALLY GONNA DO THIS?

YOU--YOU--YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?

MM.

[lively salsa music]

- I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU TIGHT PANTS GIRL

THE REST OF THE DAY.

WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?

- IT'S BETSY. - BETSY, THAT'S--

[moaning]

DO YOU HEAR THAT, BETSY?

[moaning]

*

NO, BUT, HEY, I'M GONNA CALL YOU, BETSY.

I'LL FIND YOU.

- KNEES WIDE.

- [groaning]

OH.

*

- EASY ON THE HIPS.

USE YOUR KNEES.

- [moaning]

*

- YEAH.

[moaning]

NAMASTE!

SO NICE MEETING YOU.

MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU NEXT CLASS.

- SURE. LOOK.

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE MOST SPECTACULARLY AMAZING MOMENT

OF MY LIFE,

SO I HAVE TO ASK.

WHY?

WHY DID YOU JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME?

- I HAVE NO IDEA,

BUT YOU KNOW THAT MOVE THAT I SHOWED YOU

WHERE YOU'RE USING YOUR KNEES MORE THAN YOUR HIPS

SO YOU LAST LONGER?

KEEP WORKING ON THAT.

- NO.

HE'S MY RIDE.

- NAMASTE.

- NAMASTE.

YOU PENETRATED HER AIRSPACE.

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

YEAH.

HOW--HOW?

HOW? - JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

- NO, ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS IN A PORNO.

YOU SAY FIVE WORDS TO A GIRL WHO WON'T GO OUT WITH ANYBODY,

AND YOU'RE PLOWING HER.

YOU--YOU MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL,

AND I WANT IN ON IT.

- NATHAN, I GOT TO TELL YOU, I'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GOOD.

THIS WAS THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE,

AND IT WAS ALL MY DOING.

- I... - SERIOUSLY.

I FINISHED, AND I WAS READY TO GO AGAIN

RIGHT THEN AND THERE--

ALREADY BEEN DOING IT 30 MINUTES.

I'VE NEVER LASTED THAT LONG.

THERE'S THIS ONE POSITION I HAD HER IN.

HER LEGS WERE UP HERE BY HER HEAD,

AND I LITERALLY LICKED HER FOOT.

- LISTEN. - IT WAS HERE, AND I LICKED IT.

- OKAY, LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF,

THEN YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO TWEET IT,

BECAUSE IF YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW,

I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO DRIVE THIS CAR WITHOUT ANY HANDS.

I HAVE A BONER. - MM, DIDN'T NEED TO--

- IT WAS FLUKE SEX.

ONCE IN A MILLENNIUM,

A GUY FINDS A GIRL WHO IS THAT SAD AND DESPERATE,

AND TODAY WAS THAT DAY, AND YOU WERE THAT GUY,

AND SHE WAS THAT GIRL.

AND THAT IS HOW THAT HAPPENED.

- YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY RIGHT.

HEY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SANITIZE THIS YOGA MAT YOU LENT ME.

- AH, COME ON, COME ON.

[upbeat music]

*

- THERE HE IS,

MY YOGI HAMMER.

- HEY.

- WHAT, LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO KEEP THE MOST MONUMENTAL

SEXUAL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE A SECRET?

- YEAH. - YOU HUNGRY?

I COULD MAKE YOU ONE OF MY CLASSIC CHOCOL-HOAGIES.

- I'M OKAY.

- MMM, IT'S GOOD. - WAIT.

YOU'RE STAYING IN TONIGHT? WHAT'D YOU DO?

SLASH MOM'S TIRES SO SHE CAN'T DRIVE ANYWHERE?

- DID SHE CALL YOU?

- DAD. - SHE NEEDED NEW TIRES ANYWAY.

YOU'VE GOT A STACK OF MAIL THERE.

IT'S AN INVITATION TO SOMETHING.

- NICE.

- HEY, HOW WAS WORK?

- THE USUAL.

- YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A CAREER UPGRADE?

- HOW SO?

- WELL,

MY BOSS AT THE COMIC BOOK COMPANY,

HE'S LOOKING FOR NEW IDEAS HE WANTS ME TO PITCH.

NOW, WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU'RE A ENGLISH MAJOR

WITH A COMPLETELY USELESS DEGREE IN CREATIVE WRITING,

BUT YOU DO HAVE GOOD TASTE IN COMICS.

SO HERE'S THE IDEA:

YOU HATCH A STORY;

I'LL DO THE ART AND DRESS IT UP A LITTLE BIT;

WE'LL GO IN, GET A LITTLE RAZZLE-DAZZLE ON,

AND BOOM,

SOON KIDS HAVE OUR SHIT UP ON THEIR WALL.

- I DON'T KNOW--

SELLING PARTY SUPPLIES, WRITING COMICS,

SELLING PARTY SUPPLIES, WRITING COMICS.

YEAH, I'M IN. - YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT DON'T REHASH THAT SERGEANT SLITHER IDEA.

THAT STORY PUTS THE "SUCKS" IN,

"BOY, THIS SHITTY STORY SUCKS."

- NO, SERGEANT SLITHER HAS TRUTH SERUM

THAT SHOOTS FROM HIS FANGS.

IT LETS HIM LEARN HIS ENEMIES' EVIL POWERS.

[passing gas]

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

*

HELLO.

*

- HERE FOR THE PARTY?

- HEY, YEAH, EMMA INVITED ME.

- BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

- RIGHT.

THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE.

- RIGHT.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WATCH YOUR STEP.

- THANKS.

- [sniffing]

HE SMELLED LIKE POODLE.

*

- [mouthing words]

[dog barking]

[indistinct chatter]

- HI, THERE, I'M MEREDITH.

EMMA TOLD ME YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE ONE OF MY BABIES

TO A HAPPY HOME.

- HI, I'M WILL. SORRY.

I GOT MY MOUTH STUFFED WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

- OH, THEY SHOULD BE.

THEY'RE DOG TREATS.

[babbling]

- AT LEAST I'LL HAVE A SHINY COAT.

- [laughs] - BATHROOM?

- OH, IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

[echoing moan]

[toilet flushing]

- HEY, WILL.

YOU'RE A DOG LOVER TOO, HUH?

[laughing]

[inhales sharply]

[sighs]

YOU SMELL THAT, WILL?

- [sniffs]

- THAT'S RIGHT, SON--

NEW CAR SMELL.

HAD A LITTLE PROCEDURE DONE ON MY COLON

ABOUT TEN YEARS BACK IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THEY CAN GIVE YOU ANY SCENT YOU CAN IMAGINE.

YEAH, THINK OF ALL THE MONEY I SAVE ON AIR FRESHENER, HUH?

[both laughing]

HEY, WILL, YOU KNOW THAT GIRL, MEREDITH?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FUCK HER.

SHE'S THE NEXT ONE ON THE TAPE.

REMEMBER,

THIS IS ALL FOR JEN.

YOU NEED THE NAME OF THAT DOCTOR,

YOU LET ME KNOW, WILL.

[laughing]

- [sniffs]

HI. - HI, I...

[sighs]

I GOT DISTRACTED,

AND HE ATE SOME GOODIES OFF MY PLATE,

AND, UM, IT DIDN'T GO WELL WITH HIS STOMACH,

AND THEN HE--

I'M JUST--I'M GONNA SMELL LIKE BARF ALL DAY.

[chuckles]

- I--I DON'T SEE ANY PUKE.

- IT'S A GENERAL...

[inhales sharply]

MALAISE.

- RIGHT, WELL, THE BATHROOM IS YOURS.

FEEL FREE TO...

YOU KNOW, HE'S-- HE'S VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

- OH, HOW SO?

- YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.

- AW.

THAT IS SO FUCKING CUTE.

YOU TASTE LIKE DOG BISCUITS.

[laughing]

- SORRY.

WAIT, YOU KNOW WHAT DOG BISCUITS TASTE LIKE?

- [gasping]

AH, I WILL BE RIGHT OUT!

- OH, MEREDITH, IS THAT YOU?

- [gasping] YES!

AH! - ARE YOU OKAY?

- NEVER BETTER.

[gasping]

YES! - OKAY.

UH, I'LL JUST SEE YOU BACK AT THE KENNEL.

- I'M COMING, COMING SOON!

- ARE YOU-- ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

- [in woman's voice] UH, I'M--I'M FINE.

I JUST LOVE THIS--

OH, I LOVE THIS LIQUID HAND SOAP SO MUCH.

YEAH, YOU GOT TO TELL ME WHERE YOU GOT IT LATER.

[both gasping]

- SO CUTE.

THAT WAS LOVELY.

[laughs]

- LOVELY,

BUT NOT GREAT.

- OH, HONEY,

DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT I CROSSED THE FINISH LINE?

AND THAT'S SAYING MORE THAN MOST MEN.

- RIGHT, NO, I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

I JUST--I HAVE TO GET REALLY GOOD AT THIS SEX THING

REALLY FAST.

- HUH.

SAYS WHO?

- LONG STORY WITH AN UNHAPPY ENDING FOR RIGHT NOW.

- HMM.

WELL, WHOEVER SHE IS,

SHE'S ONE LUCKY LITTLE GIRL.

BUT CAN I GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE?

- PLEASE. - OKAY.

[sighs]

LET THE WOMAN LEAD THE RACE.

SHE'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO SPRINT.

SEE, I'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR TWO YEARS,

AND I WAS STARTING TO THINK THERE WAS A LAW

PROHIBITING 35-YEAR-OLDS HAVING SEX, RIGHT?

AND-- - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY TO BE WITH YOU.

- YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE FUCKING NYMPH.

I WANT TO BOX YOU UP,

BUT I AM NOT GIVING YOU A DISCOUNT ON MY DOGS.

[sighs]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

[sighs]

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO OUT THERE.

EMMA'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY.

- WHAT?

- I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T.

WHO'S A BABY?

SUCH A LITTLE BABY.

MMM.

WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE NEW CAR?

- OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

EVERYONE, EVERYONE! - HEY, EMMA.

- WILL, I'M SO SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GO.

FALCO GOT INTO ONE OF THE-- THE PEONIES

THAT WE GOT AT THE STORE,

AND SHE'S CHOKING ON THE RAWHIDE,

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO HANG OUT.

- I WANT YOU TO HANG OUT WITH ME TOO.

- WELL--

- HERE HE IS, WILL,

ALL READY FOR YOU JUST LIKE WE DISCUSSED.

- YOU ARE ADOPTING ONE OF THE PUPPIES?

OH, THAT IS SO GREAT.

- YEAH. - YAY.

- WELL, HE'S ALREADY PASSED MY THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECK,

SO I JUST NEED A DEPOSIT OF $300,

AND THEN HE'S ALL YOURS TO TAKE HOME.

- THAT IS SO GREAT. I'M SO--

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

UH...

[echoing moan]

- DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO?

PARAMEDICS ARE WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

- YOU SHOULD CALL ME,

LIKE, FOR THE DOG OR ANYTHING REALLY, I MEAN--

JUST CALL ME.

- GREAT. - OKAY.

[dog barking]

- GO.

- RIGHT.

- DID YOU SEE THE WAY SHE WAS LOOKING AT YOU?

SHE UNDRESSED YOU WITH HER STARE.

[sighs]

BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU DO HAVE A WAY WITH WOMEN, DON'T YOU?

- 300 BUCKS FOR THIS BALL OF FUR?

- YEAH, I'LL NEED A CHECK,

AND THEN YOU CAN PAY FOR THE REST

IN THE NEXT TEN BUSINESS DAYS.

SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

- CAN YOU SHIT IN A TOILET?

I HOPE SO. JESUS.

- [sighs]

- OOH, HERE WE GO.

HEY, DAD.

WANT TO MEET OUR NEW ROOMMATE?

- SORRY, I'M LISTENING TO YOUR MOM

TALK ON HER CELL PHONE.

DID YOU REALIZE

SHE WAXES DOWN THERE NOW?

- OKAY, DAD.

WAIT, HOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO MOM'S CONVERSATIONS?

- IT'S THIS AMAZING, LITTLE TRANSMITTER.

I FOLLOWED HER TO LUNCH,

AND WHEN SHE GOT UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

I WALKED OVER TO HER TABLE,

DROPPED IT IN HER PURSE.

NOW WHEREVER THE BAG GOES, THE BUG GOES,

AND I HEAR EVERYTHING.

WAIT. SHE'S GETTING ANOTHER CALL.

I--IT--THE RECEPTION'S BETTER THE CLOSER I AM,

SO I'M GONNA TAIL HER CAR.

- THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND, DAD.

- NO, NATHAN LEFT.

HE'S ON HIS WAY HOME.

HE BOUGHT A PIZZA. IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.

YOU HAVE CASH TO PAY FOR IT, RIGHT?

[laughing]

I WAS JUST THINKING,

OUR APARTMENT COULD USE A GOOD GUARD DOG.

- OKAY, DAD, THIS IS NOT YOUR APARTMENT.

- OKAY, BYE.

- JUST YOU AND ME, HUH?

SHOULD WE SEE WHAT SANTA PAWS BROUGHT YOU?

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

GOT SLIM JIMS,

ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR ME.

I GOT YOU SOME ALTOIDS 'CAUSE YOU GOT STANK BREATH.

AND I GOT ME A SNICKERS BAR 'CAUSE I NEED SOME STRENGTH.

[knocking at door]

COME HERE.

- LARGE PEPPERONI AND CHEESE PIZZA.

YOUR TOTAL'S $15.22.

- AH, YEAH, CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR A COUPLE MINUTES?

THE GUY WHO ORDERED THIS ISN'T HERE.

IT'S HIS PIZZA. I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

- LISTEN, DUDE!

I'VE GOT SIX PIES IN THE CAR

THAT NEED TO BE DELIVERED IN A HALF AN HOUR,

AND IF THEY DON'T GET THERE IN TIME,

THEN IT'S MY ASS.

AND IF IT'S MY ASS, THEN IT'S YOUR ASS.

YOUR ASS.

- OH, BOY. - [shrieks]

[both moaning]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE TOPPING OF PIZZA IS?

- SHOT IN THE DARK-- SAUSAGE?

- OH, SHUT YOUR FILTHY FACE,

AND LET'S GET TO THE CENTER OF MY TOOTSIE POP.

- BE A GOOD BOY.

[lively salsa music]

*

- HEY.

HEY, GET OUT OF THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

YOU LITTLE PIZZA-STEALING TURD BURGLAR?

*

- WHAT?

- YOU BANGED THE SAUCY SLICE PIZZA GIRL.

- ACTUALLY, SHE BANGED ME.

YOU SHOULD THANK ME.

SAVED YOU 15 BUCKS.

- WHAT THE--

YOU ARE GONNA TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

YOU'VE GOT WOMEN THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU.

YOUR DICK HAS BECOME SOME SORT OF CURRENCY,

SO IT BEGS THE QUESTION,

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

- IT'S ALL THE TAPE.

- WHAT TAPE? - IN THE VCR.

- WHAT, IS IT SOME SORT OF SELF-HELP THING

THAT HELPS YOU HYPNOTIZE WOMEN

THAT NORMALLY WOULDN'T BREATHE THE AIR WITHIN 50 FEET OF YOU?

- THANKS. NO.

IT ACTUALLY HAS MAGICAL POWERS

AND MAKES ME, LIKE, A SEX GOD.

I LITERALLY WATCHED IT.

A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S FACES FLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN,

AND NOW I'M SLEEPING WITH A NEW WOMAN

PRACTICALLY EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

- BULLSHIT.

- WHO'S EATING FREE PIZZA?

MMM.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

YOU HAVE HEARD OF THE DVD PLAYER, YEAH?

- YEAH, BUT I'M SAVING UP FOR ONE OF THOSE

GROOVY EIGHT-TRACK CASSETTE PLAYERS

THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT.

[VCR whines]

- SHE'S A LITTLE CHUNKY, WEIGHS, LIKE, 60 POUNDS.

- YOU'RE AVOIDING THE SUBJECT,

AND YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE...

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, THESE--

THESE WOMEN ARE SMOKING HOT.

- THEY WERE THERE. THEY WERE THERE.

- MM-HMM, YOU KNOW, IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE JUST THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE.

YOU KNOW, THAT-- ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.

- NATHAN, I SWEAR, THERE'S THIS TAPE,

AND THE WOMEN THAT ARE ON IT--

I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP WITH THEM ALL

SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO JEN

BECAUSE I'LL BE A BETTER LOVER.

- FINE.

YOU GET ME LAID,

AND I'LL BELIEVE YOU.

- HOW?

[upbeat music]

*

[indistinct chatter]

- WHERE IS THIS MAGIC OF YOURS?

- OKAY, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. - SHOW ME THE MAGIC!

- NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. I TOLD YOU.

I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH ANY WOMAN I TOUCH.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU EVEN TOUCHED A GIRL

THAT'S NOT ON THIS MAGICAL VIDEOTAPE

THAT ONLY YOU CAN SEE?

- NO, BUT-- - NO.

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE,

AND YOU'RE GONNA SHAKE HANDS WITH ANYTHING WITH BOOBS,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE AN ORGY.

AND THEN I'LL BELIEVE YOU.

- WE'RE NOT HAVING AN ORGY. - WE'RE HAVING AN ORGY.

GO.

[indistinct chatter]

- OOH, THANK GOD.

HEY, KEEP WORKING OUT.

A GUY CAN WISH.

HEY, HEY, YEAH.

SORRY, THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

HI. - HI.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- RIHANNA.

- HI, RIHANNA. - HI.

- WANT TO HAVE AN ORGY?

- FUCK, YES.

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

- OKAY.

[buzzing]

[tape squealing]

[echoing moan]

WAIT. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ORDER ON THE TAPE.

- WHAT?

- [gasps]

YOU'RE STILL OUT OF ORDER.

OH, GOD, THAT'S NICE. - ORDER?

THERE'S NO ORDER WHEN YOU ORGY.

YOU JUST ORGY.

- RIGHT, YES, OF COURSE.

YOU SHOULD MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM...

- BUT-- - LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.

AND I'LL BE RIGHT IN, AND I'LL--

I'LL GIVE YOU A NICE ORGY.

- YOU PROMISE? - OH, YES, I'LL--

- ARR! - OKAY.

GO. - BYE.

- FUCK.

- AH.

BOOM, BITCH!

- NATHAN, NATHAN, NATHAN, NATHAN.

- OH, THERE HE IS.

HEY, WHERE'S MY HAREM?

- THERE'S NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK.

THERE'S A HOT WOMAN IN THE BATHROOM,

LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.

DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS, AND DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH

UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

THE TAPE WORKS.

[upbeat rock music]

*

- * THIS IS A TAKEOVER

* A TAKEOVER

* I'M CHASING HER

* NOT HOSTILE, BUT SOON WE'LL BE ONE *

* THIS IS A MASTERPIECE

* A PASSION'S FEAST

* I'LL FINISH, AND THEN I'LL BE DONE *

* THIS IS A TAKEOVER

* A TASTE I LEARNED

* TO LIKE WHEN MY NUMBERS WERE LOW *

* THIS IS A MASTERPIECE

* A FAST RELEASE

* I'D STAY, BUT SHE'D WANT ME TO GO *

* BUT WAIT, WHO'S THIS BEAUTY BESIDE ME? *

* I'M DROPPING MY JAR WITH A THUD *

* IT ACHES LIKE SHE'S REACHING INSIDE ME *

* AND MELTING MY HEART INTO BLOOD *

*

- * AH

* AH

- * SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER

* MY SAFE AND SURE

* REPLACED BY A FEAR THAT SHE'LL RUN *

* SHE IS A MASTERPIECE

* A PERFECT BEAST

* I HOPE THAT SHE KNOWS I'M THE ONE *

- WHAT'S MY NAME?

- LITTLE TIM, LIKE THE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN.

YEAH!

- WHOO, WHOO! YEAH! WHOA!

- AND YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME TO PINKBERRY, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

- OKAY.

YEAH! OOH!

[laughing]

- MMM. - YEAH.

- MM-HMM.

- I LIKE IT.

AH!

[gasping]

- OH, HELL NO.

- [sniffs]

- CHICKEN.

- [gags]

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

* AH

*

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

- YEAH, THAT'S IT.

FIND MAMA BEAN.

FIND THAT BEAN AND WATER IT!

[moaning]

OH, YEAH, NERD, THAT'S IT!

OH, YEAH!

YEAH, MAKE THAT TONGUE DANCE!

MAKE IT CRAWL ALL UP IN MY LEG.

- [gasps]

- YOU AIN'T DONE.

DON'T YOU EVER STOP TILL A LADY TELLS YOU YOU'RE DONE.

NOW GET THAT FACE BACK UP IN THERE!

[growling]

- * SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER

* MY SAFE AND SURE

* REPLACED BY A FEAR THAT SHE'LL RUN *

* SHE IS A MASTERPIECE

* A PERFECT BEAST

* I HOPE THAT SHE KNOWS I'M THE ONE *

*

[birds chirping]

[keyboard tapping]

[upbeat music]

*

- THERE YOU GO.

HEY, COME ON.

HI. - GOOD AFTERNOON.

CHECKING IN? - YEAH.

ACTUALLY, WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH EMMA.

- AH, YES.

MR. HEMBRY, HMM?

YOU WERE AT THE PARTY A FEW WEEKS AGO.

- YES.

- OH, IS THIS THE PUP THAT YOU ADOPTED?

- YES. COME HERE.

- DO YOU MIND IF I HOLD HIM?

- NO, SURE, THAT'S GREAT.

- YOU LITTLE-- OH, COME HERE.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, OH, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE LOVER, AREN'T YOU?

YES, YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE YET.

GOT A COUPLE IDEAS, BUT I--

- [snorting]

[sighs]

THAT'S PRIMO SHIT.

- HEY, WILL. - HEY.

- ARE YOU READY?

- YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

I MEAN, UH, READY FOR THE APPOINTMENT,

NOT--NOT DOING IT.

NAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.

WHATEVER YOUR DEFINITION OF "IT" IS,

MINE'S NOT SEX.

IT'S DEFINITELY NOT SEX.

UH, WE'RE READY TO BE GROOMED.

- YEAH, WELL, LET'S GO.

- [chuckles]

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER,

YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG.

- SO HOW ARE YOU?

- GREAT. YOU?

- UH, GREAT. - GOOD.

- SORRY.

- FOR WHAT?

- I WANT TO KISS YOU.

- OKAY, SO THEN DO IT.

- NO, I CAN'T DO THAT, BECAUSE THEN THAT WILL LEAD

TO OTHER THINGS, AND THIS I CAN'T DO YET.

- MEANING IT'S-- IT'S TOO SOON?

- NOT EXACTLY.

I HAVE ISSUES.

I'M GONNA GO GROOM FLASH NOW.

- FLASH.

- IT FITS.

- HELLO, FLASH.

[both chuckling]

OKAY.

[upbeat music]

HI. - HI.

I'VE GOT A COUPLE HOURS FREE,

SO DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME FOOD?

- YEAH. - OKAY.

WE CAN JUST LEAVE FLASH HERE. - OKAY.

- BUT, YOU KNOW, SOMEPLACE, LIKE, REALLY PUBLIC,

YOU KNOW, NO LOW-LIT CORNER BOOTHS OR...

YEAH.

- [sighs]

[humming]

[upbeat instrumental music]

*

- * YOU LET YOUR HAIR SHINE LIKE A '50s MOVIE STAR *

* STILL CHEW ON IT KIND OF LIKE A LITTLE GIRL *

*

* YOU TAKE YOUR TIME

* WHEN THE TOP'S DOWN IN YOUR CAR *

* BUT STILL HIT THE GAS WHEN YOU WANT TO SEE THE WORLD *

*

* AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING, YOU'RE EVERYTHING *

* A GIRL SHOULD EVER BE

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING TO ME *

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING, YOU'RE EVERYTHING *

* IN THE SURFACE AND DOWN DEEP *

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING TO ME *

*

* YOU LIKE TO STAY HOME WITH DELIVERY CHINESE *

* AND THEN DRAG ME OUT

* SUDDENLY YOU GOT TO DANCE

* YOU'RE HAPPY WHEN YOU'RE FEELING SAFE *

* AND SO CAREFREE

* BUT YOU'D DIVE OUT A PLANE IF YOU EVER GOT A CHANCE *

* AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING...

- HOLY MOLY, LOOK WHO IT IS, KIDS.

CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE OLD

TO BE PLAYING WITH TEDDY BEARS, YOUNG MAN.

- WHOA, MISTER, THAT'S A NICE TEDDY BEAR.

CAN I HAVE IT? - NO, GET YOUR HANDS OFF.

- HE'S JUST ASHAMED 'CAUSE HE LIKES A GIRL.

[laughter]

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

- OH, WILL, WE'VE BEEN SPYING ON YOU FOR DAYS NOW.

IT'S SOMETHING WE LIKE TO DO TOGETHER AS A FAMILY

TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE FOLLOWING ALL THE RULES OF THE TAPE.

- AND BOY, HAVE YOU.

THAT PENIS OF YOURS PROBABLY FEELS

LIKE IT'S READY TO DROP OFF.

AM I RIGHT, KIDS?

- HE'S A REAL SLUT, DAD.

- HE SURE IS, MARTY, WHICH BRINGS US TO EMMA.

WHAT A SPECTACULAR PIECE OF "YOU KNOW WHAT" SHE IS.

- SHE GIVES ME WET DREAMS.

- [laughing]

OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?

WELL, WE'D LOVE TO STICK AROUND, WILL,

BUT WE HAVE PLENTY OF SHOPPING TO DO BEFORE WE GO HOME

TO CATCH THE LAWRENCE WELK SHOW.

COME ON, KIDS.

KEEP UP THE FINE BONING, WILL.

- THANK YOU FOR WAITING-- SMALL BLADDER.

SO I WAS THINKING, SINCE WE'RE ALREADY HERE

AND I KIND OF NEED A PAIR OF JEANS--

- SAY NO MORE.

YES, I WILL BE THE DRESSING ROOM BOYFRIEND.

- OH. - SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- NO, IT'S JUST THAT IT'S ONLY OUR FIRST DATE.

- IT'S A DATE?

- WELL, YOU DID PAY

FOR THE AMAZINGLY DECADENT MALL FOOD, SO, YEAH.

- I CAN DO BETTER THAN MALL FOOD.

- WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT YOU'LL HAVE A CHANCE TO PROVE THAT.

- OOH.

[upbeat music]

*

HI.

OOH, YOU SAID ONE PAIR OF JEANS.

- YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE FISCALLY IRRESPONSIBLE

FOR ME TO IGNORE THESE INCREDIBLE DEALS.

- OH, OKAY.

IT WOULD.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

I'LL BE THE DECAYING SKELETON

IN THE LEATHER JACKETS.

- OKAY. HAVE FUN.

- YEAH.

YEESH.

- CAN I HELP YOU FIND A SIZE?

- YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR A 31.

- OKAY.

[grunts]

WHY DON'T YOU TRY THESE ON,

AND WHILE YOU'RE IN THE DRESSING ROOM,

I'LL FIND THAT SIZE FOR YOU.

- GREAT.

- MICHELLE.

CAN YOU SET HIM UP WITH A ROOM?

- ABSOLUTELY. RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.

- THANKS.

SORRY. SORRY.

- CLUMSY ME. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOUR DRESSING ROOM'S RIGHT THIS WAY.

- [sighs]

- OH, SHIT.

[echoing moaning]

- GIVE ME A SHOUT IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

- UH, WILL DO.

[suspenseful music]

*

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I WAS--

I JUST--

- I GET HIM FIRST.

YOU STAND GUARD.

HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING IN HERE?

- FINE. I DON'T NEED ANYTHING.

- NO, LET ME JUST HELP YOU WITH YOUR PANTS.

- SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

CAN I COME BACK LATER, PLEASE?

LIKE--

- NO. - JESUS.

- THESE ARE FULL.

TRY THE ROOMS ON THE OTHER SECTION.

- [moaning]

- WILL?

- [sighs]

YES.

[creaking]

- EXCUSE ME.

DID YOU SEE A GUY WITH A TEDDY BEAR

GO IN ANY OF THESE?

- NO, NO GUYS HERE, NONE.

- OH, THAT'S THE SPOT!

[creaking]

- THAT IS MAINTENANCE.

- KILL IT, BABY! KILL IT!

- SHE'S--THERE'S A-- THERE'S A RAT

RUNNING RAMPANT THROUGH THIS ROOM.

SHE'S AGGRESSIVE. IT'S HUGE.

- OKAY, I'LL JUST-- - OKAY, YEAH.

THANKS.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

DON'T FORGET TO FILL OUT A COMMENT CARD.

- PST, WILL.

- CRAZY HAT GUY,

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK I'M DOING, WILL?

I'M BUYING JEANS.

HEY, BY THE WAY,

THESE MAKE ME LOOK LESS BLACK?

- I CAN'T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

- ALL RIGHT, PLAYER, FINE.

YOU GO BE WITH EMMA,

BUT YOU REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK YOU DOING THIS ALL FOR.

- [whispering] OKAY, LOOK. I KNOW WHO I'M DOING IT FOR.

AND I KNOW WHAT THE RULES OF THE TAPE ARE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP POPPING UP

ALL OVER THE PLACE AND TELLING ME.

- JEEZ, SOMEBODY'S A LITTLE BITCHY TODAY.

OH, WILL, ONE MORE THING...

- [whispers] THANK YOU.

- [laughing]

AH, TO BE YOUNG AND DUMB

AND FULL OF COME.

YEAH, THAT'LL WORK.

WHATEVER, PLAYER.

- HEY. - HELLO.

- WHERE WERE YOU?

I WAS LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

- I WAS, UM--

YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE IN THE MALLS

WHO HAVE YOU DO THE SURVEYS FOR 20 BUCKS?

- YEAH. - I WAS DOING ONE OF THOSE.

- OH, WHAT ABOUT?

- HOW I FEEL ABOUT MALL SURVEYS.

- HMM, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MALL SURVEYS?

- I DO NOT LIKE THEM. - REALLY?

- THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT ANSWER, SO THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME 20 BUCKS.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE OUR TEDDY BEAR

AND GO DO THE GO-KARTS?

- HEY. - OH, SORRY.

- AH, HI.

JEN, EMMA, EMMA, JEN,

JEN, EMMA.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- WHAT'S WITH THE--

WHAT'S UP WITH THE TEDDY BEAR?

YOU WERE NEVER INTO STUFFED ANIMALS.

- SO HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

- I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND.

- OH. - YEAH.

- WELL, THANK YOU FOR LETTING HIM GO.

I THINK HE'S A KEEPER.

- SO HOW IS STEVE?

- UH, I'M NOT WITH STEVE.

I WAS NOT REALLY WITH STEVE. YOU KNOW THAT.

- YOU KNOW, OUR PUPPY'S WAITING,

SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY--YEAH.

- WE SHOULD PROBABLY--

IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU, OKAY? - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

UM, HOW AWESOME ARE YOU?

- OH, MY GOD, YOU WERE SO LOUD IN THE DRESSING ROOM

WHEN YOU WERE HAVING SEX WITH THAT GUY.

IF I WEREN'T THE MANAGER, YOU WOULD SO BE FIRED.

- WAIT, WHY DID WE HAVE SEX WITH THAT GUY AGAIN?

- I DON'T KNOW.

AND WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT TEDDY BEAR?

- IT WAS KIND OF KINKY.

- IT WAS LIKE A THREESOME.

- OH. - OH, HI.

- HI. - HI.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ON A PAIR

OF OUR NEW RICH AND SKINNY CORDUROYS?

- MM.

ABSO-FRIGGING-LUTELY.

- RIGHT THIS WAY. - OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU GO. - THANK YOU.

- LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANOTHER SIZE OR ANYTHING.

- MM-HMM.

[dramatic music]

*

- DUDE, MAN, YOU ARE A FUCKING STALLION,

A FUCKING BLACK STALLION.

FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HER!

UNBELIEVABLE.

JUST RAIL THAT CHICK, MAN. - OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT THE--

OH, HEY, THERE.

NO, I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK?

- WILL YOU PUT IT AWAY? - YES, IT'S PUT AWAY.

- IS IT AWAY? - OH, MY GOD.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WANT THAT VIDEO.

IN EXCHANGE, I WON'T TELL YOUR BOSS

OR YOUR WIFE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

- UM...

IT'S OKAY IF I MAKE YOU A COPY?

- YEAH.

- CAN I FINISH?

- [groans]

[soft piano music]

*

- I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME. - ME TOO.

- AND NOW WE HAVE THIS AWESOME FIRST DATE STORY

TO TELL OUR KIDS, DON'T WE?

- AND A REALLY COOL NAME FOR OUR DOG--

UH, YOUR DOG.

- OF COURSE.

- I CAN'T GO HOME WITH YOU. - I KNOW.

- I MEAN, I WANT TO, BUT...

- I WANT YOU TO. - I CAN'T.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT HAS TO FEEL RIGHT.

- IT WILL BE, YEAH.

- [sighs]

I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS.

SOMETHING BIGGER IS AT PLAY HERE.

- LIKE WHAT?

- FATE, IDIOT.

- RIGHT, FATE.

SO WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?

- UM, TOMORROW NIGHT.

- IS THAT THE PREVIOUSLY ALLUDED TO SECOND DATE?

- YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THERE'S SOMEWHERE I HAVE TO BE,

AND I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO JOIN ME.

- OKAY.

- OKAY. - BYE.

*

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WAITING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

[both chuckle]

- ME NEITHER.

- BYE.

[dramatic music]

*

[tape squealing]

*

[knock at door]

[pounding at door]

- I'M READING!

[pounding at door]

DAMN IT.

CHILL OUT, TITO.

WHOSE HAIR IS ON FIRE?

[knocking at door]

WHAT? - HMM.

WHERE IS HE?

- BY ALL MEANS, COME IN.

CAN I FIX YOU A WARM GLASS OF "CHILL THE FUCK OUT"?

[tape squealing]

[knocking]

- WHAT THE HELL?

- OKAY, SO NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND,

BUT YOU STARTED CHEATING ON HER ALREADY?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- I OVERHEARD THOSE SLUTS AT THE MALL,

THE ONE THAT YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH.

- OKAY, LOOK. THAT'S--

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. - REALLY, REALLY?

'CAUSE I THINK THAT YOU'VE BECOME A WHORE.

A WHORE!

- ARE YOU 12?

LOOK. YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.

SO WHY DO YOU CARE WHO I SLEEP WITH?

AND WHY DO I GIVE A FUCK WHATEVER THE HELL YOU THINK?

- BECAUSE I--

I--

I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME EVERYTHING

THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED.

- NO, STOP.

GET OFF.

- [laughing]

SHUT UP, WILL, AND DO ME.

- PLEASE, NO.

PLEASE, JEN.

- AS YOU WERE. I'VE SEEN BOOBIES BEFORE.

- [growls]

YOU'RE SO GROSS. - COME ON, I--

I WOULD LET YOU WATCH.

YOU'RE LETTING THE TERRORISTS WIN.

- JEN, IT'S OKAY.

- HA.

[laughs]

WHOO!

[moaning]

OH, MY GOD, WILL!

OH, WILLIAM, WILLIAM!

WILLIAM JOSEPH HEMBRY!

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

[screaming]

- AH! - OH, YES!

[screams]

[screaming]

OH, JESUS!

MARY AND JOSEPH.

WILLIAM.

THAT WAS THE MOST...

[smooches]

UNBELIEVABLE SEX OF ALL TIME.

[sighs]

YOU KNOW, AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY

THAT YOU SLEPT WITH THOSE MALL SLUTS,

BUT NOW I GET IT, BECAUSE I SAID

THAT IF YOU GOT BETTER AT SEX, I'D GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE,

AND YOU DID.

I MEAN, MY GOD,

HOW MANY GIRLS DID YOU SLEEP WITH

IN ORDER TO GET SO GOOD SO FAST?

YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T ANSWER THAT.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU DID THIS FOR ME,

SO I--I FORGIVE YOU FOR DOING WHATEVER IT IS

THAT YOU NEEDED TO DO IN ORDER TO WIN ME BACK.

NOW CAN YOU FORGIVE ME FOR CHEATING ON YOU

AND FOR, UGH, BEING DUMB ENOUGH TO EVER THINK

THAT YOU COULDN'T BE THE LOVER THAT I NOW KNOW

WAS JUST ALWAYS INSIDE OF YOU?

- OKAY, NO, THERE WAS A TIME I WAS DOING THIS FOR YOU.

- UH-HUH.

- IMPROVING MYSELF TO BE THE LOVER

YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

- UM, WILL, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.

- ME TOO,

BUT I DON'T,

NOT ANYMORE.

- OH-HO-HO, SO WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS REVENGE SEX?

HURT ME THE WAY I HURT YOU?

- NO, JEN. - OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?

I--

[chuckles]

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN TO FEEL MY HEAT.

YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THIS--THIS EMMA?

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S SEE HOW SHE FEELS

WHEN FINDS OUT ABOUT YOUR LITTLE, UH,

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

[dramatic music]

*

- I WAS JUST GONNA PUT A COAT OF PRIMER FOR THE--

- YOU ARE A FUCKING PERVERT!

- SHE SOUNDS LIKE A WOOKIEE WHEN SHE ORGASMS.

- YEAH, SHE DOES.

- [growls]

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED JEN BACK.

- I FELL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

- AND--AND YOU SLEPT WITH JEN BECAUSE...

- I HAD TO.

- 'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOU HAD TO.

YEAH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT,

BUT, UM,

DID I EVER THANK YOU FOR THE RIHANNA THING?

- ONLY ABOUT 100 TIMES.

- THANK YOU.

- PUT MY PANTS ON.

[upbeat music]

*

- GOOD MORNING.

WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.

CHECKING A GUEST IN?

- UH, NO, ACTUALLY I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR EMMA,

AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT

THAT SHE GETS IT RIGHT AWAY.

- WELL, SHE'S NOT IN TODAY,

BUT I'LL SEE TO IT THAT SHE GETS IT

FIRST THING TOMORROW.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

- MY PLEASURE, MA'AM.

[dogs barking]

MY PLEASURE.

[surf crashing]

- HI. - HI.

- WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,

IT'S HARD TO SCREW UP THIS KIND OF PERFECTION.

- IT IS.

OKAY, THEN.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME WHERE WE'RE GOING TONIGHT.

- I'M TAKING YOU SOMEWHERE THAT WILL SHED SOME LIGHT

ONTO WHY I'M UNNATURALLY FIENDING

TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

- OKAY.

LET'S GO. - ALL RIGHT.

- AS WONDERFUL AS MASTURBATION IS,

IT'S--IT'S THE CHAFING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO--

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH-- - HEY, EMMA!

- HI. SORRY.

- HEY, EMMA.

- HELLO. - HI.

- HEY, EMMA. - HEY.

- NEW GUY.

SO I WAS RECENTLY TEMPTED OVER THE WEEKEND.

YOU SEE, THERE WAS THIS NICE, YOUNG LADY,

AND I MET HER AT THE CLUB.

AND SHE WAS--

SHE WAS SUCH A LITTLE WHORE.

SHE WANTED ME TO RIP HER CLOTHES OFF

RIGHT THERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND PUT HER UP AGAINST THE WALL,

BUT, UM--

BUT I DID NOT DO THAT.

LIKE A GOOD BOY, I WENT INTO THE MEN'S ROOM,

WALKED INTO A STALL,

LOCKED IT,

DROPPED MY FUCKING PANTS,

AND I JACKSON POLLOCKED THAT SHIT EVERYWHERE,

RELEASING THREE WEEKS OF TENSION IN ONE NIGHT.

SADLY, I, UM--

I RUINED MY REALLY GOOD GOING OUT SHIRT

WITH MY OWN JISM.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE.

[applause]

- THANK YOU, SONNY,

FOR THAT NEEDLESSLY GRAPHIC TESTIMONY.

WHO'D LIKE TO SPEAK NEXT?

- I WOULD.

HI, I'M EMMA.

- HI, EMMA. - HI.

AND--

AND I'M A SEX ADDICT.

ACTUALLY, THIS WEEK MARKS MY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY

ABSTAINING FROM SEX.

- WOW, WOW.

- THANK YOU.

IT WAS CRAZY HARD, THOUGH, NOT GIVING IN.

I MEAN, THERE WERE SOME TIMES

WHERE I THOUGHT I'D JUMP THE FIRST GUY

WHO SAID GOOD MORNING TO ME,

BUT I DIDN'T.

IT MADE ME STRONGER.

IT MADE ME UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS

TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT GUY TO COME ALONG

AND HOW SPECIAL IT WILL BE

WHEN I FINALLY DO SHARE MYSELF WITH HIM.

[soft piano music]

I THINK I FOUND HIM.

I JUST HOPE, NOW THAT I'VE SHARED

MY DARKEST SECRET WITH HIM,

HE DOESN'T RUN AWAY.

*

THANK YOU.

[applause]

*

HOW COMPLETELY FREAKED ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

- SLIGHT-TO-MILD FREAK.

HEY.

SERIOUSLY, I CAN TAKE IT.

- WELL, I NEEDED YOU TO KNOW THAT PART OF MY LIFE,

'CAUSE I MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF

THAT THE NEXT PERSON I WAS WITH WOULD BE THE LAST,

LIKE, THE WHOLE "TILL DEATH DO US PART" THING.

[soft acoustic guitar music]

- * YOUR SKIN IS SOFT, AND MINE IS ROUGH *

- IS THIS JUST, UM, MY ADDICTION OR SOMETHING ELSE?

- * AND ALL I KNOW IS...

- SOMETHING ELSE.

- * I CAN'T PULL AWAY

* BUT THEN AGAIN, I NEVER WOULD *

* BUT I START TO FEEL

* YOUR BREATH MIXED WITH MINE

* I KNOW THAT YOUR HANDS AND YOUR LEGS *

* ARE NOT FAR BEHIND

* CAN'T TELL WHERE I END

* AND THEN WHERE YOU BEGIN

* I LOVE GETTING TANGLED

* THE GOOD KIND OF TANGLED

* WITH YOU

*

[music fades]

- [whispers] YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE.

- YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

- [chuckles]

I MEAN, EVEN IF I DIDN'T LIKE YOU

AS MUCH AS I DO, I'D BE A COMPLETE FOOL

TO LET SOMEONE WITH YOUR TALENTS GET AWAY.

- I WASN'T ALWAYS THIS GOOD.

IT'S LUCK, SKILL, AND A WHOLE LOT OF--

SORRY.

- NO, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE

I'VE BEEN WITH.

- YOU SAID "PEOPLE," LIKE... - MM-HMM.

- WOMEN TOO?

REALLY?

WELL, NOW, THOSE EXPERIENCES, YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO SHARE

IN AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE.

- [whispers] I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

WILL I SEE YOU LATER?

[surf crashing]

- I GET OFF AT 9:00.

DROP OFF A MOVIE, AND I'LL COME OVER.

- CAN'T WAIT.

- HEY, JERRY.

- MORNING, EM.

HEY, SOMEBODY LEFT THIS FOR YOU YESTERDAY.

- OH.

WHO WAS IT?

- SHE DIDN'T SAY WHO SHE WAS.

- OH.

THANK YOU.

[dogs barking]

- RUFF, RUFF.

[somber acoustic guitar music]

*

- HEY.

THOUGHT I WAS COMING TO SEE YOU.

*

WHAT'S THIS?

- A SURVEILLANCE VIDEO

FROM THE MALL.

*

- LOOK. I CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE ONLY KISSED AT THAT POINT,

SO I CAN'T REALLY PULL

ANY SORT OF TERRITORIAL THING HERE,

BUT LOOK.

I JUST CAME HERE TO FIND OUT ONE THING:

WHEN YOU HAD SEX WITH JEN,

WAS THAT BECAUSE YOU STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR HER,

OR WAS THAT SOMETHING DIFFERENT?

- NO, WAIT. EMMA, LOOK. LOOK.

IT'S WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

IT'S-- - OKAY.

OKAY, SO IT'S TRUE. - WAIT.

WAIT. WAIT, PLEASE.

JEN BROKE UP WITH ME

BECAUSE I WAS LOUSY IN BED,

AND I WANTED TO GET BETTER SO I COULD GET HER BACK,

'CAUSE I THOUGHT I LOVED HER, AND THERE WAS THIS TAPE

WITH THESE RULES, AND I HAD TO SLEEP WITH THESE WOMEN

IN A CERTAIN ORDER.

IT MADE ME BETTER.

AND THEN I MET YOU,

AND YOU WERE ON THE TAPE, BUT I--

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

*

I TOLD JEN I DIDN'T LOVE HER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE,

AND I NEVER WILL BE--

THAT WHOLE "TILL DEATH DO US PART" THING.

LOOK ME IN THE EYES, AND TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

*

- THIS IS MY SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS SPONSOR.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, WILL.

YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH IT.

- EMMA, I'M--

I'M NOT JUST A WHORE.

I'M SORRY. - I'M--

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S FINE.

- COME ON. - NOPE, IT'S FINE.

- IT--IT'S JUST, I DID THIS FOR US.

- EXCUSE ME. - EMMA, PLEASE.

*

- SORRY, MAN.

THAT MUST REALLY HURT.

WANT TO GO GET A THAI MASSAGE?

[mutters]

ALL RIGHT.

* HAPPY ENDING TIME FOR ME

[somber piano music]

*

[knocking]

- OH, OH, OH!

[laughs]

MM, HI.

[clears throat]

WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.

I TRUST YOU'VE HAD A VERY ACTIVE MONTH,

YOUNG SQUIRE.

- I JUST NEED TO GIVE THIS BACK.

- OH.

OH, MY.

WAIT. WAIT JUST ONE SECOND.

[upbeat jazzy music]

*

[record scratches]

[upbeat music]

- AH, GODDAMN, WILL.

IT'S BEEN 30 DAYS ALREADY, HUH?

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE,

SLIMY DUDE, BUT--

OKAY, FINE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT I'M NOT COMING IN.

I JUST WANT TO RETURN THIS STUPID TAPE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, WILL? WAS THERE A PROBLEM?

DID YOU SLEEP WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE?

- LOOK, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU.

CAN YOU JUST TAKE THE GODDAMN TAPE BACK?

- WILL, DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT ONE OF THE WOMEN YOU SLEPT WITH

COULD END UP BEING THE ONE YOU'RE MEANT TO BE WITH

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

- YEAH, OKAY, THAT FUCKING OCCURRED TO ME.

IT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

- BECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT

THAT YOU'VE BEEN BONING OTHER WOMEN?

- YEAH, IT'S FUNNY HOW THAT LITTLE DETAIL

DOESN'T SIT SO WELL WITH THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.

- WILL, REMEMBER THE RULES OF THE FUCKING TAPE.

IN ORDER TO RETAIN YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS,

YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE

IN THE ORDER THAT YOU SAW 'EM,

AND YOU HAVE TO RETURN THE GODDAMN TAPE IN 30 DAYS.

- YEAH, TODAY'S THE 30TH DAY.

- AND WOULDN'T IT BE FUCKED UP

IF THAT TAPE DOESN'T GET RETURNED UNTIL TOMORROW?

NOT ONLY WILL YOU LOSE EVERYTHING YOU'VE GAINED,

BUT ALL THE WOMEN YOU'VE MET,

THEY'LL NEVER REMEMBER THEY EVEN MET YOU.

WILL, YOU REALLY WANT TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN, DON'T YOU?

I THINK BOTH YOU AND I KNOW THE TRUTH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SON.

IT'S GONNA TAKE A WHOLE LOT OF WORK.

- YEAH. [door clicks]

- WHY, HELLO, YOUNG MAN.

YOU WANT TO COME IN AND SHOW MY WIFE

EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED THE PAST MONTH?

- UH, OKAY, UH...

- [laughing]

- GOD DAMN IT.

WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THAT FUCKING THING AWAY

AND GO GET THE BALL GAG IN THE KIDS' TOY BOX

LIKE I ASKED?

- THIS ONE, ALWAYS SO BOSSY.

SEE YOU SOON, WILL.

[relaxed jazzy music]

*

- WHAT A TOOL.

ANYWAY, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- THANK YOU, WISE SEX DUDE.

- I'M THE BEST.

[laughing]

*

TAKE IT EASY, WILL.

- SO EMMA'S REALLY GONNA FORGET ME?

[engine turns over]

[engine revving]

[rhythmic laughter]

[laughter stops]

- MMM, YEAH, MMM.

MMM, MORNING.

CAN I FIX YOU SOME--

[birds chirping]

MMM, MMM.

[engine revving]

- FOR THE BACHELOR.

AND THIS IS MY BABY.

[laughter]

- HI, THERE.

WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.

OH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE GUY?

HEY.

- FLASH.

HIS NAME'S FLASH.

- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT NAME.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR FLASH TODAY?

FOR YOUR DOG?

- SIR, IF YOU COME WITH ME,

WE CAN BEGIN THE INTERVIEW PROCESS FOR FLASH,

SEE IF HE'S COMPATIBLE WITH THE OTHER GUESTS

HERE AT THE RITZ.

- SORRY, I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE.

I'LL COME BACK LATER TO INTERVIEW.

- OKAY.

BYE, FLASH.

- HOLY SHIT.

SHE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW ME.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE HE PUT MY VIDEO ON YOUTUBE?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW A BILLION PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE IT,

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN SEND IT IN FOR MY BACHELOR AUDITION.

HI, CAN WE HELP YOU?

- I GUESS NOT.

- AH, SERIAL KILLER MUCH?

- HEY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

I THINK I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS,

BUT DO YOU REMEMBER ME AT ALL?

- LOOK, BACK THE FUCK OFF, FREAK.

- I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER ME.

- LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I'M A YOGA TEACHER,

DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!

- OKAY--OH, GOD!

[groaning]

OH, GOD.

[soft instrumental music]

*

- * I WISH...

[knocking]

- KEEP STALKING THOSE BITCHES, PARTNER.

- * EVERY TIME YOU LOOKED AT ME *

* WITH THAT COLDNESS IN YOUR STARE *

*

* AT LEAST THEN, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE *

* WHEN YOU WALK AWAY

* AND I'M STUCK LOOKING LIKE A LOVER ON TV *

* DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU BREAK MY HEART *

* DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU BREAK MY HEART *

*

* AGAIN

[keyboard tapping]

* AGAIN

*

[music fades]

[pounding at door]

- OCUPADO.

[grunts]

HEY, MAN, WHERE YOU BEEN?

YOU'VE BEEN HOLED UP IN THERE FOR A WEEK.

DUDE.

YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!

MAYBE THAT'S ME.

- WHY WAS MY DOG THERE?

- DUDE, THIS DOESN'T SUCK!

- YOU'RE HERE TO BUY SOMETHING.

WE DON'T NEED--

NO, WE DON'T NEED TO GO

THROUGH ALL THE DETAILS.

WE'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU ALREADY LIKE IT.

WE'RE HERE BECAUSE OF THIS.

SHOW 'EM THE-- SHOW 'EM THE COVER.

THIS--YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

- WE'RE DEFINITELY HERE BECAUSE OF THIS.

- BAM!

- WOW. - CHECK THAT OUT.

- IN A SINGLE BREATH,

IT'S AMAZING.

RIGHT? - IT'S AMAZING.

- ALL RIGHT? SUPER DAD.

THIS GUY CAME UP WITH THE STORY.

I'M DOING THE INKING.

WHAT DOES A SUPER DAD HAVE?

SUPERPOWERS AND... - SUPER BABIES.

- SUPER BABIES.

[stirring music]

*

* THIS IS THE LAST HOUR

* OF THE LAST DAY

* BEFORE THE FIRST DAY

* OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

* PICK YOURSELF UP NOW

- HI, UH.

[gasping]

HOW DID YOU GUYS COME UP WITH THE IDEA

ABOUT SUPER DAD?

- OH, UH, WELL,

WILL HAD A GENERAL STORY IDEA

ABOUT A MAN-SLUT WITH SUPERPOWERS

WHO KNOCKED UP A BUNCH OF HIS ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

SO THAT GOT US THINKING,

WHAT IF ALL THAT HUMPING AROUND

CAME BACK TO HAUNT HIM IN SOME WAY?

SO THEN WE THOUGHT, OKAY, HERE'S THE PLOT:

SUPER DAD'S ENEMIES KILL ALL OF HIS FORMER LOVERS

TO GET BACK AT SUPER DAD,

BUT WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW IS THAT SUPER DAD

HAS ALL THESE ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND

WHO HAVE INHERITED HIS SUPERPOWERS.

SO NOW NOT ONLY IS HE IN CHARGE OF DEFENDING THE ENTIRE WORLD,

HE'S GOT TO RAISE THIS GAGGLE OF SUPERPOWERED BABIES.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SPRINGBOARD

TO THE WHOLE, UH-- THE WHOLE SERIES.

RIGHT, WILL?

- YEAH, WHAT HE SAID. HE GOT IT.

- OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, OH, GOD. - THERE YOU GO.

TAKE CARE. - BYE.

- YOU KNOW, YOU COULD ACT

LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.

- I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

NOWHERE I'D RATHER BE.

- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO...

- [panting]

HEY. - HI, HI.

- CAN YOU GUYS MAKE IT OUT TO RONNIE,

YOUR FAVORITE MERE MORTAL?

- NO PROBLEM. - SURE.

[mumbling]

THERE YOU GO.

- THIS ONE TOO.

IT'S THE FIRST BOOK YOU EVER INKED.

- SEE? A REAL FAN. - NICE.

- AND THIS.

I JUST HAPPENED TO BE WALKING BY

WHERE YOU GUYS HAPPENED TO BE HAVING DINNER.

TAKEN THROUGH THE WINDOW, BUT--

- [chuckling]

COOL. - IT STILL WORKS.

IT'S YOU GUYS.

- YOU JUST FOUND US, HUH? - YEAH.

I ALSO GOT THIS OUT OF THE BATHROOM STALL

THAT YOU GUYS USED AFTER LUNCH TODAY.

- OKAY. - ABDUL.

- ABDUL. - PLEASE.

- SIGNATURE ON THAT--

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

- HEY. - I LOVE YOU GUYS!

- TAKE CARE.

- SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST, LIKE, SUPER WEIRD.

[laughs]

- OH, MAN.

- HEY.

- HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU GOT?

- CAN YOU MAKE IT OUT TO LANDON?

- SURE.

- I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE THE GUY THAT CAME TO THE RITZ

RECENTLY WITH THE DOG

WITH THE REALLY CUTE UNDERBITE.

FLASH, RIGHT?

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

GOOD TO SEE YOU. - YOU TOO.

THIS IS MY NEPHEW. HE LOVES YOUR COMIC.

- SWEET, WELL, MAKE SURE YOU GET A SUBSCRIPTION THEN.

THAT WAY, YOU DON'T MISS AN ISSUE.

- OH, I WILL. - GREAT.

THERE YOU GO, MAN.

- THANK YOU. - THANKS, GUYS.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- YOU KNOW THAT CHICK?

- VAGUELY.

- AWESOME, APPRECIATE IT.

YOU GUYS DID GREAT, AWESOME.

YEAH, WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT.

GUYS, THAT WAS A AWESOME JOB, MAN.

THOSE KIDS WERE STOKED, ALL RIGHT?

READY FOR NEXT WEEK?

DO IT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT? - ROCK AND ROLL.

- SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

- THAT WAS FUN.

- I USED TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

- YOU DID? - YEAH.

- [chuckles]

- I USED TO HAVE SUCH A CRUSH

ON JOHNNY STORM WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

MY BROTHER WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,

SO I GOT THE GEEK EDUCATION...

both: BY OSMOSIS.

[soft piano music]

- THANKS AGAIN FOR SIGNING MY NEPHEW'S COPY

OF YOUR COMIC.

YOU TOTALLY MADE HIS LIFE.

- NO, MY PLEASURE.

- SPEAKING OF WHICH, I SHOULD PROBABLY FIND HIM.

- I THINK HE'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY PARENTS USED TO BRING ME HERE AS A KID,

I COULDN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO LEAVE

SO I COULD DO THE SAME THING HE'S DOING NOW.

I BET HE'S FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT HIS AUNT EMMA.

- MEANING I HAVE TIME FOR MY OWN LEISURELY PURSUITS?

- IF ONE WERE SO INCLINED.

- WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

- MAYBE COFFEE,

TWO CHAIRS, WITTY BANTER,

YOU AND ME.

THERE'S A PLACE RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

I'M SURE ABDUL CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR NEPHEW.

- WELL, YOU'RE THE BIG SHOT COMIC BOOK WRITER.

YOU'RE PAYING.

- NOT REALLY A BIG SHOT YET.

- UM, WELL, THEN I CAN SAY I KNEW YOU WHEN.

- WHEN WHAT?

- WHEN YOU...

*

WERE JUST A STRUGGLING ARTIST?

I DON'T KNOW.

*

- * LATELY

* I'VE BEEN WEARING YOU

* LIKE A FADED, OLD TATTOO

* FORGETTING ALL THE JOY I FELT *

* WHEN HOLDING YOU WAS NEW

* BUT IF I CAN'T TURN THE CLOCKS BACK *

* OR HELP YOUR HEARTACHE MEND

* LET ME LOVE YOU

- * LOVE YOU

- * FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

[upbeat music]

* WE'VE HAD FALSE STARTS

* AND FIZZLE OUTS

* AND BLURRED THE LINES OF RIGHT AND WRONG *

- * AH, AH, AH

- * WE'VE HAD WRONG WAYS

* AND TURNABOUTS

* AND ONLY ENDED UP MORE LOST

- * AH, AH, AH

- * BUT MAYBE THERE'S A BETTER WAY *

* TO FINALLY GET AHOLD OF IT *

* 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I WANT *

* TO EVER START ALL OVER WITH *

* REMEMBER THAT THE FINISH LINE'S *

* ANOTHER WORD FOR THE END *

* LET ME LOVE YOU

- * LOVE YOU

- * FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

*

* FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

*

[relaxed jazzy music]

- WHEN THE DOCTOR DIAGNOSED MY NUT CANCER

AS INOPERABLE, I DECIDED TO LIVE EACH DAY

TO ITS FULLEST AND REALLY GO OUT THERE

AND DO ALL THE THINGS THAT I HAD PUT OFF,

LIKE CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST

AND LEARNING TO PLAY THE SLIDE GUITAR

AND VOLUNTEERING AT THE REFUGEE CAMP

IN "DARFAR."

- DARFUR. - DARFUR.

- DARFUR.

- BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I DID IS

ADOPT THIS ABUSED PUPPY FROM THE ANIMAL SHELTER.

- YOU ARE SO SWEET.

- HOW LONG DID THE DOCTOR GIVE YOU?

- I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE A MONTH AGO.

OH, YES, THERE'S STILL FIGHT LEFT IN THIS FLAWED HUMAN SHELL.

[exhales sharply]

- NATHAN. - YEAH?

- WE GOT TO GO.

- YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW?

- I JUST HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE,

SO UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO GIVE HIM A RIDE--

- WE CAN DO IT.

- REALLY? YOU WOULDN'T MIND?

- RIGHT, LATER.

- OH, ONE MINUTE.

WOULD YOU MIND? - NO, NO.

- WHAT'S UP?

- EXCELLENT WINGMANSHIP, MAN, EXCELLENT.

WHO KNEW THAT PUPPIES WERE SUCH GREAT BABE MAGNETS?

WE SHOULD GET A BUNCH OF 'EM.

- GOOD LUCK CLOSING THE DEAL. - WHERE YOU OFF TO?

- DATE WITH EMMA. - VAYA CON DIOS, BRO.

- DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

- NO.

BUT IT SOUNDS COOL 'CAUSE IT'S MEXICAN.

LADIES, THANK YOU.

- WE JUST WANT TO HELP YOU ANY WAY WE CAN.

- REALLY?

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A THREESOME.

THERE ARE THREE OF US, AND I MAY DIE SOON.

[coughs]

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A NO TO ME.

[both chuckle]

- UM, WHAT ABOUT FLASH?

- WELL, WE COULD MAKE IT A FOURSOME.

[upbeat music]

- THAT'S SOME KINKY SHIT, AND I LIKE IT.

LET'S DO THIS.

*

ting!

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

[echoing moan]