Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," CAT BAGS.

THEY'RE MADE FROM HOLLOWED-OUT

CATS, AND THEY'RE THE TALK OF

RUNWAYS FROM PARIS TO MILAN.

AND DAVID HASSELHOFF OPENS UP

ABOUT HIS WILD TIMES ON THE SET

OF "KNIGHT RIDER" WITH THE

STORIES YOU DIDN'T SEE IN FRONT

OF THE CAMERAS.

>> ON "KNIGHT RIDER," I HAD THE

CRAZIEST THING IN MY TRAILER.

>> Biscayne: MM-HMM.

>> I HAD A BRAND-NEW VCR.

>> Biscayne: REALLY?

>> YEAH, WHICH WAS A PRETTY BIG

PERK IN THOSE DAYS.

>> Biscayne: INCREDIBLE.

>> I WAS A MEMBER OF THREE

DIFFERENT VIDEO STORES.

>> Biscayne: DID YOU PAY FOR THE

MEMBERSHIPS?

>> THEY WEREN'T FREE BACK IN

THOSE DAYS.

>> Biscayne: OH, WHAT A

DIFFERENT TIME.

ALL THAT AND...

>> FORE!

>> Biscayne: ...ON

"NEWSREADERS."

EVERY DAY, WE HEAR ABOUT NEW

MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGHS.

AMIR LARUSSA HEARD ABOUT ONE

DOCTOR WHO MADE A REVOLUTIONARY

BREAKTHROUGH IN THE TREATMENT OF

JELLYFISH STINGS.

SO, HE DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE.

>> DOCTOR, BEFORE WE PROCEED, I

HAVE TO GET ONE THING CLEAR.

>> OKAY.

>> I'M GONNA ASK YOU A SIMPLE

YES-OR-NO QUESTION.

AND IF THE ANSWER IS "NO," WE'LL

PROCEED WITH WHAT SHOULD BE A

FASCINATING INTERVIEW.

>> SOUNDS GOOD.

>> BUT IF THE ANSWER IS "YES,"

I WILL -- ALL DUE RESPECT --

WALK OUT THAT DOOR, GO BACK TO

MY OFFICE, AND WORK ON A

DIFFERENT STORY.

>> WOW. OKAY.

LOOKING FORWARD TO THE QUESTION.

>> OKAY.

SO, YOU KNOW THE URBAN MYTH THAT

THE TREATMENT FOR JELLYFISH

STINGS IS...

URINE?

>> OH, YES, THAT OLD CHESTNUT.

OF COURSE.

IT'S ALWAYS IN THE MOVIES.

>> MM-HMM.

>> POPS UP IN TV SHOWS, DOESN'T

IT?

>> "FRIENDS" DID A WHOLE THING

ON IT.

>> "FRIENDS"?

OH, YES. CLASSIC.

>> YEAH.

>> I SAW IT ON "THE SIMPSONS."

>> YEAH.

FARRELLY BROTHERS PUT IT IN

THEIR MOVIES A LOT.

>> THEY'RE CHEEKY, AREN'T THEY,

THOSE GUYS?

>> [ Laughing ] THEY REALLY ARE.

>> NO BOUNDARIES THERE.

>> YEAH.

SO, DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING

WITH THIS?

>> THE "FAH-RELLIES."

>> NOPE.

FORGET THE FARRELLYS.

THE EARLIER THING, HOW WE GOT TO

THAT.

>> I SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING.

YOU'RE COMING IN.

>> MM-HMM.

>> WELL, GO ON.

HIT ME THE "Q" AND I'LL RESPOND

WITH AN "A."

>> OKAY! I LIKE THAT.

>> YOU LIKE THAT?

>> THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'VE BUILT A WHOLE PRACTICE ON

JUST TREATING JELLYFISH STINGS.

>> INDEED, I HAVE.

CORRECT.

AND?

OOH.

>> HOW MANY GLASSES OF WATER

HAVE YOU HAD TODAY?

>> THAT'S THE THIRD.

>> ARE YOU TREATING YOUR

PATIENTS WITH URINE?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, THERE'S THE QUESTION.

>> YEAH.

>> OH, THERE IT IS!

>> I FEEL LIKE A FOOL FOR

ASKING, AND I'M SORRY.

>> WELL, IT'S WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

>> IT IS --

>> IT'S A WEIRD "Q."

>> IT'S -- IT'S -- IT'S A WEIRD

"Q," BUT IT NEEDS AN "A,"

BECAUSE IF THE "A" IS NOT THE

"A" I WANT, THEN THIS INTERVIEW

IS OVER.

I JUST HAVE AN AVERSION TO THAT

SORT OF THING.

>> I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN, WHAT A WEIRD POSITION TO

BE IN.

>> I'M NOT -- I DON'T ENVY ME.

>> COME IN HERE AND...

>> FIRST THING I HAVE TO DO IS

ASK IF THIS GUY'S PEEING ON

PEOPLE.

>> YEAH. WHAT -- WHOA.

OKAY, WELL, ASK IT, I SUPPOSE.

DO IT!

>> I DID.

>> YOU'VE DONE IT?

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT. WHAT ELSE?

>> I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE

"A."

>> I HAVEN'T ANSWERED.

>> YOU HAVEN'T A'd.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION,

WHICH I BELIEVE WAS...

REMIND ME.

>> ARE YOU USING URINE...

>> OH, YES.

>> ...TO TREAT YOUR

JELLYFISH-STING PATIENTS?

>> THAT'S THE QUESTION.

>> MM-HMM.

>> THAT -- RIGHT.

THE ANSWER TO THAT IS...

ACTUALLY EASIER FOR ME TO SHOW

YOU THAN TELL YOU.

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

>> IT IS.

>> NO. SAY "YES" OR "NO."

>> COME AND HAVE A LITTLE

TOUR, A LITTLE TOUR OF THE

CLINIC.

>> I DON'T NEED A TOUR OF THE

CLINIC.

>> IT'S A STATE-OF-THE-ART

FACILITY.

>> WHAT'S THE ART?

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA SHOW

YOU.

>> DON'T SHOW ME.

JUST SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

JUST SAY "YES" OR "NO."

THE NEXT WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

HAVE TO BE --

NO! LET ME FINISH.

>> I WAS GONNA SAY --

>> LET ME FINISH.

>> MONET.

>> MONET?

>> MM-HMM.

>> SO, THE ART IS ACTUAL ART.

>> YEP. RENé "DA-CARTS."

>> THAT'S A PHILOSOPHER.

>> AH, YES.

AND HE'S ACTUALLY DONE A COUPLE

OF SKETCHES IN THE EARLY DAYS.

THEY'RE UP THERE.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT.

>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST

COMING UP WITH NAMES YOU'VE

HEARD BEFORE.

>> NO.

IT'S A UNIQUE DISPLAY OF -- OF

TALENTED PEOPLE THAT DID OTHER

THINGS.

>> SO, THEY'RE NOT KNOWN FOR

THEIR ART.

THEY'RE KNOWN FOR OTHER THINGS.

>> WELL, MONET IS.

>> YOU'RE --

>> HE'S THE ODDBALL.

>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE REALLY

TRYING TO DODGE THE QUESTION

HERE.

JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.

JUST SAY "YES" OR "NO," PLEASE.

>> OKAY.

>> THAT IS NEITHER OF THE WORDS

THAT I ASKED FOR.

>> LISTEN. LISTEN.

I'M GETTING THERE, ALL RIGHT?

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET

ANYWHERE.

JUST SAY "YES" OR SAY "NO."

>> I THINK THE ANSWER WILL

SURPRISE YOU.

>> I DON'T THINK IT WILL.

>> WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

>> ARE YOU USING URINE --

>> RIGHT.

WE'RE STILL PERSISTING WITH

THAT.

OKAY.

I'M ENJOYING THIS QUESTION.

>> ANSWER THE [BLEEP] QUESTION.

>> OH!

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY, WE'RE SWEARING NOW,

ARE WE?

>> I AM SWEARING JUST 'CAUSE

YOU'VE PUSHED ME TO THE BRINK.

>> ONE MOMENT, WE'RE ALMOST

DOWN THE CORRIDOR LOOKING AND

ADMIRING ART, AND NOW YOU'RE

SITTING THERE SWEARING AWAY.

>> I'M SORRY FOR SWEARING.

JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.

YES OR NO?

PLEASE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> JUST SAY "YES" OR "NO."

>> THE ANSWER IS SIMPLY...

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

>> DOCTOR, YOUR 3:30

APPOINTMENT'S HERE.

>> THANK YOU, NURSE.

THAT'S A SHAME.

AMIR, CAN YOU JUST HOLD ON,

PLEASE?

>> NO.

>> I'LL BE BACK VERY SOON.

>> JUST SAY "YES" OR "NO" AS

YOU LEAVE.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT ]

>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WHERE WERE WE?

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> THIS IS A STETHOSCOPE.

THESE ARE THE HEADPHONES.

>> NO, NOT THAT.

THERE'S A LITTLE WET SPOT ON THE

FRONT OF YOUR SLACKS RIGHT WHERE

YOUR PENIS HOLE WOULD BE.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> STAND UP.

>> DID YOU SAY "SLACKS"?

>> STAND UP RIGHT NOW.

>> YES, DAD! ALL RIGHT.

>> STAND UP!

SEE THAT?

PEE!

YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GO CURE

A PATIENT, AND ALL YOU DID WAS

PEE ON THEM.

Y-Y-Y-YOU SPRINKLED WHEN YOU

TINKLED, AND NOW YOU'VE GOT IT

ON THE FRONT OF YOUR SLACKS

RIGHT THERE -- PEE!

>> I'M SORRY.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE

SAYING "SLACKS."

WHAT A BIZARRE TERM TO USE.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> THEY'RE TROUSERS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONE.

THE PUFF PIECE ON YOUR

GOLDEN-SHOWER PALACE IS OVER.

LET'S GO.

>> NO!

>> WRAP IT UP.

>> NO, WAIT, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST HOLD ON, OKAY?

YES.

YES, OKAY?

>> THANK YOU. GOD!

>> YES, I HAVE SPILT SOME OF

THE SUBSTANCE THAT I USE TO

TREAT THE PATIENTS WITH ON MY

TROUSERS.

>> COME ON, DUDE.

>> WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE

CALLED.

NO ONE SAYS "SLACKS."

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

I'M LIKE A 1950's LADY DOING

GOLF.

>> DON'T TRY AND DODGE THE

QUESTION.

WHAT IS THE SUBSTANCE?

>> THE SUBSTANCE IS WARM WATER

AND AMMONIA.

YOU SATISFIED?

THAT'S THE SUBSTANCE -- WARM

WATER AND AMMONIA!

I'VE SAID IT!

THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG, ALL

RIGHT?

YOU'VE GOT MY SECRET FORMULA.

WELL DONE.

NOW ALL THESE OTHER CLINICS ARE

GONNA POP UP.

MY BUSINESS IS GONNA BE DILUTED

WITH OTHER COMPETITIONS.

THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

>> NO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

SAY, DO YOU?

ALL YOU KNOW IS "YES" OR "NO."

THOSE ARE YOUR TWO BIG ONES,

AREN'T THEY?

HERE'S A HINT -- "SORRY."

>> THAT'S MORE THAN A HINT.

>> OH, YEAH, WHAT A SMART GUY.

HAD TO HAVE A LITTLE DIG IN

THERE, DIDN'T YOU?

OH!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SOMETHING ELSE.

DO YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU CAN'T ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG.

TALKING UNDER YOUR BREATH WHEN I

CAN CLEARLY HEAR IT.

GETTING RIGHT UP MY GOAT.

>> THAT'S NOT A SAYING.

>> IT'S A TERM IN NEW ZEALAND --

"GETTING RIGHT UP MY GOAT."

WE HAVE ALL GOT A GOAT EACH.

WHEN YOU'RE GETTING UP SOMEONE

ELSE'S GOAT, IT'S LIKE, "WELL,

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOURS?"

OBVIOUSLY THEIR GOAT'S DIED, AND

THEY'RE HAVING A BUSINESS UP

WITH MINE.

>> I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET UP YOUR

GOAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> LET'S CONTINUE THE INTERVIEW

IN A MORE RESPECTFUL MANNER.

>> ONE LAST CHANCE TO DO THE

CLINIC TOUR.

>> CAN WE DO THIS INTERVIEW

FIRST, AND THEN WE CAN DO THE

CLINIC TOUR?

>> LET'S FINISH THE INTERVIEW,

ALL RIGHT.

>> OKAY.

WHY DOES A MIXTURE OF AMMONIA

AND WARM WATER HAVE SUCH A

POSITIVE EFFECT ON JELLYFISH

STINGS?

>> GOOD QUESTION.

AND I'LL ANSWER THAT.

I FIRST REALIZED THAT AMMONIA

AND WARM WATER WORKED IN A

POSITIVE WAY ON JELLYFISH BITES

AND STINGS BECAUSE AMMONIA AND

WARM WATER MIXED TOGETHER...

IS, ESSENTIALLY, PEE.

SO, WHAT I DO IS, I...

I just pee on the patients.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

THAT'S WHAT I JUST DID WHEN I

WENT OUT THERE BEFORE.

I PEE ALL OVER PEOPLE, ALL THESE

GITS THAT COME IN HERE!

AND THEY'VE GOT BITES AND STINGS

FROM THE SEA.

I PROJECTILE MY YELLOW FLUID

ONTO THEIR WOUNDS!

AND I LOVE IT!

I GOT YOU!

YOU'RE BURNT!

>> YOU'RE A MONSTER.

>> I HOPE ONE DAY YOU GET STUNG

BY A JELLYFISH, AND YOU KNOCK ON

MY DOOR.

>> Biscayne: WELL, I KNOW ONE

THING THAT SMELLS LIKE PEE.

IT'S SKIP REMING, AND HE'S HERE

TONIGHT.

>> NOW, ONE THING I'LL NEVER

UNDERSTAND IS WHAT GALS WANT

FROM US WITH THE WAY THEY DRESS.

IT USED TO BE THAT TAKING AN

EYE-WALK UP A DOLL'S GAMS TO

THEIR DERRIERE WAS SOMETHING

THAT WAS FROWNED UPON MORE THAN

A CURLY-HEADED PRIEST.

YOU WANTED TO CHECK OUT THE

GOODS, YOU HAD TO SNEAK A PEEK.

AND A PEEK WAS ALL YOU COULD

GET, EVEN IF SHE WAS IN NURSING

SCHOOL.

BUT THESE DAYS, THEY DON'T TELL

YOU NOT TO OGLE THEM.

THEY DEMAND THAT WE DO.

YES, YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET,

AND CHIPPIES HAVE WRITING ALL

OVER THEIR BARN DOORS, WORDS

LIKE "PINK," "WILDCATS," AND

"JUICY," RIGHT THERE ON THEIR

BISCUITS.

AND NOW THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED

YOGA PANTS.

THESE, UH, YOGA PANTS -- THEY

FRAME THE MONEYMAKER LIKE A

PRICELESS WORK OF ART.

NOW THERE'S PICASSOS, CéZANNES,

AND VAN GOGHS EVERYWHERE, IN

COFFEE SHOPS AND PARKS AND MY

GRANDSON'S LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES.

CALL IT BUILDING A BETTER

MOUSETRAP OR A BETTER MAN-TRAP.

NO MATTER WHAT, THERE'S NEVER

BEEN A BETTER TIME TO APPRECIATE

THE FEMALE FORM AND TO BE

APPRECIATED FOR APPRECIATING IT.

>> Biscayne: NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS," MORE STORIES FROM

THE SET OF "KNIGHT RIDER."

>> THIS VCR HAS THAT BLINKING

12:00 -- REALLY IRRITATING,

RIGHT?

SO, I SET THE ACTUAL TIME.

I WENT HOME.

I CAME BACK THE NEXT MORNING,

AND IT'S BLINKING 12:00, DRIVING

ME CRAZY.

>> Biscayne: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A

HUGE HASSLE, HOFF.

>> ANYWAY, I COULDN'T FIGURE

OUT WHY IT WAS STILL BLINKING,

BLINKING, BLINKING, BLINKING.

SO I ASKED ONE OF THE CREW GUYS,

AND HE TELLS ME THAT AT NIGHT,

THEY TURN OFF THE POWER TO MY

TRAILER TO AVOID DRAINING THE

BATTERY.

>> Biscayne: THAT MAKES PERFECT

SENSE.

>> IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, BUT

IT DOESN'T SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF

THIS BLINKING 12:00.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

>> Biscayne: WHAT?

>> I SNUCK IN TO THE WRITER'S

ROOM.

I GRAB ONE OF THOSE 3x5 INDEX

CARDS.

>> Biscayne: OKAY.

>> AND I TAPED IT OVER THE

BLINKING 12:00.

>> Biscayne: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL I CAN

REMEMBER FROM BRING ON THE SET

OF "KNIGHT RIDER."

>> Biscayne: I'M

REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> ARE YOU EVEN A DOCTOR?

>> I'M AN EDUCATED DOCTOR.

>> WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?

>> I WENT TO EDGEWATER COLLEGE.

>> WHERE'S THAT?

>> IT'S RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF THE

WATER.

HOW DO YOU THINK I BEGAN THE

JELLYFISH THING?

>> YOU'RE A MONSTER.

>> I'M DOING A LOT OF GOOD HERE.

>> YOU'RE DOING NO GOOD.

>> PEOPLE ARE LOVING IT.

>> YOU'RE A PEE MONSTER.

>> PEOPLE ARE COMING IN HERE,

AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN STUNG BY

JELLYFISH.

THEY JUST WANT WHAT I'VE GOT.

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