Original subtitles

Join us, Ted.

It's what Laura would have wanted.

The Great Pyramid of Giza,

also known as the Great Pyramid of Khufu,

or if we're going with the Greek, anyone?

Cheops.

Cheops.

But we don't like the name that the Greek invaders gave it.

So we stick with the Egyptian there, right?

Now, construction of the tomb

began the day that they became pharaoh.

What can we learn from that?

Burton.

Uh, that they were kings

and that they wanted to be comfortable in the afterlife.

Correct.

As usual, Burton.

Now, remember,

death is not the end

but a brief pause on our journey.

And don't forget, your papers are due next week.

Hey, Mr. Daniels.

Um, I had a question about the assignment.

-Of course, you do. -Yeah.

Well, I'm really excited about the first paper.

Uh, but I'm having a tough time

deciding between the judgment of the dead by Anubis

or if I should use my page account

on a deep dive into mummification.

Definitely the first one. 100%.

I agree.

Uh, thanks, Mr. Daniels.

Did you just say, "Olive tuse?"

I did.

So drink still?

Mm-hm.

Are you pretending to be madder than you actually are

because you're trying to prove a point?

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just being principled, I'm standing my ground.

We have things to talk about.

That's great.

I'm just excited to have a state of the union with you again.

I missed you.

Good.

Oh, so are you mad?

Are you not mad?

Furious.

We separated because I didn't feel like you cared about us.

You say that you care,

but you don't take the serious things seriously.

Where's the fun in that?

You need to show me something different.

I'm leaving for good.

And you could stay in this dump town for all I care.

Come on. Two people with this much chemistry.

Don't just give up because they had a rough patch.

I am not giving up,

but I need to know that you value us.

No half in and half out.

You know, I read somewhere

that the most important things were said three times.

So, I promise. I promise. I promise...

that we'll fight for us this time.

Your mother always told me you're trouble.

See, we're made for each other.

I get us into trouble, you get us out.

So we're just done talking?

No, I was just ordering us drinks

while we continue to talk.

Okay then, I'll have something pineappley.

Okay.

Hello. Can I get a Mai Tai and a something pineappley?

Howl called me and he said that you dumped him for him.

Why are you two together?

Crystal, Ted is my husband.

We're going to work it out.

-Cheers, I'm no longer being estranged. -Mm. Oh!

Yeah, now it's just strange.

Crystal.

- That's a good one. - Shut up!

Does Momma know about this?

Well, we never got divorced so what is there to know?

He was, is and will always be my husband.

God damn it, Howl!

How many times do I have to ban you from my tiki bar?

It's not my fault people pick fights with me.

-Will you just get the hell out? -You get the hell out.

It's my bar.

Oh, great, everyone. Howl's here too. -Move over.

-Move. -I'm not--

-Oh, you shouldn't have. -It's for Laura.

Really though you should not have.

And I got something to say to you too.

Oh, God!

Laura, your family loves me, and I love them.

Howl, we went on one date because mother made me.

I count three dates. Three.

Running into me at the grocery store

does not count as a date.

Neither does auditing my photography class.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm married and uninterested.

-Why can't you two process this? -Because Ted's a loser.

Crystal, what have I ever done to you?

You're a loser.

Laura, I'm not gonna beg. I'm giving you a chance here.

When your mama told me that you and Ted...

Ted, that will be a great time to fight for us.

That was my chance to prove my quality.

And I did.

Uh, him? Fight like, fight him? Uh, physical with our fists?

Okay, finish your drink.

-Let's do this, Tracy. -Don't call me that.

I'm gonna fight you, Trace.

I feel like my face is falling off.

Don't get into a fight you can't win.

That's what I've been trying to say this whole time.

Come on, sis. Get your husband home.

Can't believe I'm related to you yahoos.

Oh!

So how'd I do for my first fight?

Well...

It's the thought that counts, right?

Okay, okay, okay.

Yes! Yes!

Hey, uh, is there a gas station in town?

Yep.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks.

Ah, right.

-Keep the change. -Yep.

Ow. Ow!

What is happening?

You mind try...

Oh!

Must have sexted right off.

I feel like we could go anywhere...

do anything.

We're just sort of here.

We never should have left Chicago.

You said you needed your family.

No, we did that for you.

You needed a change.

I thought that being near my family would be good for us.

They're just weirder than I remember.

Oh, they're just as weird as I remember.

We can go back, we'll just find a bag full of cash

and voila, we're Chicagoians again.

You're stagnating again.

Well, leaving is not gonna fix anything.

We just got back together.

Maybe. Maybe not. I just...

At least, we're trying.

You're gonna get your way either way, aren't you?

-I'll give you a chance. -Okay.

Let's take us out of the equation.

Let the Gods decide.

Heads, we leave. Tails, we stay.

Uh, I thought I was the one that got us into trouble.

Not anymore.

I have a vision for who we can be.

I need you to trust me.

And not be half in and half out.

Either you're in,

or you're out.

Flip the coin.

Best two out of three.

You're such a cheater.

Okay, did I say best two out of three?

-You did. -It all rides down...

-This is the whole enchilada. -Okay. This is so much cheating.

You realize that right?

-And the champion of the world is... -So much...World champion.

Okay.

What?

What'd you get? What'd you get? What'd you get? Show me!

I win, I win...

You wanna ride?

Uh, no, I don't take rides from cheaters.

I'm kidding. I some papers to grade.

-But lunch? -Oh, yeah.

-Okay. -You're buying.

-Bye. -Bye.

So after Anubis, this guy, the jackal,

weighs your heart against the feather of truth. He...

He's been doing the exact same thing for weeks,

Carrying her ashes everywhere with him like a frickin weirdo.

Something's got to be said.

I'll go settle this right now.

Get us all banned.

I'll do it.

We have a tradition in this family.

You're dead daddy's Side has been here since

before it was a state.

Everyone is at the farm

and that's where Laura will rest too.

And Ted stole it from us

He's a thief.

I don't think you need to do with Mama wants.

But I think you need to take this seriously.

I am taking it seriously.

No, you're not.

How can you say that?

You're stuck somewhere between dealing with it and not.

Half in, half out, right?

Hey, Ted.

I'm worried about what's happening to you.

I don't need your worry.

I need Laura.

She's gone, man.

What do you want, huh?

What should I do now?

Okay, you're dead,

and I know that.

I know that it's on, uh

talking to myself.

No, I'm talking to you.

No.

God Grant was right, I'm...

I'm losing it.

What?

Crystal, I got 'em.

You tell your mama.

-Meet you at the well. - Okay.

Hurry up.

What do you mean someone stole your sister?

I thought she was dead?

I mean, her ashes.

That makes more sense.

Just let me know if you hear anything.

-Okay Beth? - Of course, we'll let you know

Look, I know that what I've been doing

and how I've been behaving is been not normal.

But, I need some help here, man.

Where is she?

I think I know.

Come on.

Hey, Grant, uh, I've been seeing her,

Laura, and I talk to her.

That's not the way the world works.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it feels real.

You're just sad right now and under a lot of stress.

Yeah. Yeah, that makes more sense.

♪ And let this feeble body fail ♪

♪ And let it faint or die ♪

♪ My soul shall wear this mortal vail♪

♪ And soar to worlds on high♪

♪ And I'll sing Hallelujah ♪

♪ And you'll sing Hallelujah ♪

♪ And we'll all sing Hallelujah ♪

♪ When we arrive at home ♪

♪ Give joy or grief to ease our pain ♪

♪ Take life or friends away ♪

♪ Unless we find them All again ♪

♪ On that eternal day ♪

♪ And I'll sing Hallelujah ♪

♪ And you'll sing Hallelujah ♪

♪ And we'll all sing Hallelujah ♪

♪ When we arrive at home ♪

That's Laura's

What else do you plan on stealing from me today?

Stop, both of you.

She's gone.

We've got to do what we need to do to put her to rest

and move on.

Join us, Ted.

It's what Laura would have wanted.

I use this to hold letters Laura sent me when you were in Chicago.

You got me and your daddy.

God rest his soul's worst traits

Stubbornness and smarts.

But we loved you.

Amen.

I'm not good at this sort of thing

No.

Amen.

We fought last time we saw each other

I was always hoping for that moment where

we'd get each other

And we'd be friends again.

Like, when we were kids

- Amen. - Amen.

I'm just glad that

we can all be here together for this

Lord, our savior and protector

has you back in his loving bosom.

If we're lucky enough

we will be with you soon.

Amen.

Thank you, Percy.

I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye.

I don't know, how to handle you...

you actually being gone.

Just doesn't feel right.

I can make it right this time.

I can get us out of trouble, I swear.

Amen.

I have to set her free.

She told me Chicago is the answer.

-Bullshit -she did.

-When? -That's it, just now

I saw her, it's like a vision.

What, like as a ghost?

I mean, you so completely...

Give it to me!

Hey, It's his wife.

Just let him go.

What!

I don't accept your apology.

You want to know why Because you're the one that brought him

over here and this would have happened

if you didn't do that, Grant.

And why are you walking away from me?

I'm speaking to you.

Listen, calm down.

That is literally the worst thing

that he could have ever said to me.

What are you doing here?

I can't swim.

Unbelievable.

Wow.

What now? Huh?

Just let it go, Okay?

The cars. The cars!

I want to report a stolen car.

You know who stole it?

Radio it in.

He just told you where he was going.

Don't look at me.

Theft.

Get a stolen Dodge RAM truck.

Color red.

Good amount of rust on it.

Tag number.

How am I supposed to know the goddamn license plate

to my own truck off the top of my head?

It's Howl's truck.

Ted stole it.

You still looking for ashes in?

No.

Well, yes.

We've got to get her back.

Not you.

Yes, Momma.

You got a quarter?

Lighten this place up a bit, huh?

Yeah.

Coming, okay.

♪ You always ♪

♪ Hurt the one ♪

♪ You love ♪

♪ The one you shouldn't hurt ♪

♪ At all ♪

♪ You always take ♪

♪ My sweetest rose ♪

♪ And crush it ♪

♪ Till the petals fall ♪

Best two out of three.

You're on.

Ro Sham Bo

Scissors two times in a row.

And it's all tied up.

Headed into the Universal World championship of

Who will fill out the paperwork this time?

Ro, sham, bo.

Oh, and he's done it

The incredibly risky strikes

Scissor strategy has won it

He takes home the cup.

Yeah, a cup of piss.

My piss.

This isn't fair.

And he forgot his ticket book.

Forgot my ticket book.

There you go. Now it's easy.

♪ Now, honey child, you know ♪

♪ That you always Seem to break♪

♪ The, well, the very kind of soul of our hearts with a hasty word♪

♪ That you just can't seem to recall, honey child♪

♪ Honey lamb, honey baby, Honey doll, honey-pie♪

♪ Now, then this boy♪

♪ Now, my child I says, if this here boy done broke your heart last night♪

♪ Honey child, honey lamb, honey baby, honey doll, honey-pie♪

♪ It's because he love you the most of all♪

Shoot for it?

♪ You always hurt♪

♪ The one knew love♪

♪ The one you should Hurt at all ♪

♪ You always take, the sweetest rose♪

♪ And crush it till the petals fall♪

♪ You always break, the kindest heart♪

♪ With a hasty word you can't recall♪

♪ If I broke Your heart last night♪

♪ It's because I love you most of all♪

Any idea who owns the pickup truck out front?

Yep.

Well, hello again.

It's your first time running from the cops?

I'm not a 100% sure they're chasing me.

-Sir? -Oh, they're chasing you.

Question is, why?

My wife, she died.

And I have to scatter her ashes.

Sir?

-What's the hurry? -Her family has other plans.

Sir? Ma'am?

-Get in. -Yeah.

-I'm Amber. -Sir?

It goes there.

Jesus Christ, why is it full of acorns?

That's Sam.

He's gone, too.

You know, I saw you at the bar, I knew we were connected.

Fellow travelers

I'm supposed be on my way.

Oh, sure. I mean, you could totally do that.

Totally could. But, here's what I'm thinking.

I'll make us some dinner. Okay. A couple of these and then first thing tomorrow, Heathrow.

Yeah, that's really nice, but I'm going to Chicago.

Okay. Well then, how about Des Moines?

That's still a long way.

What? No one knows you're here.

You could take one night to rest. It'll be fun.

- Uh. - Come on.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, it don't... don't hurt now, I guess.

It is believed that a portion of the dead pharaoh's spirit

was left behind after death.

That portion is called the Ka, which is ridiculous,

because when you're dead, you're gone.

It's also believed, wrongly that that spirit needed proper care.

So that the dead Pharaoh could continue his rule

over the dead in the afterlife.

Afterlife...

All this.

When really, the only afterlife is,

is those of us who are left behind.

When really, the only

afterlife is,

Good job today. You can go now and finals are next week.

I love you.

I love you too, man,

I said I love juice.

Yeah, me too, man.

Well, the keys are missing.

So, I walk into the bar and there's this guy dancing like a weirdo.

And then he looks at me directly into my eyes and he runs out of the place.

I mean, that's weird, right?

-Even for this town, -Sounds like Ted.

You hear what I said? The keys are missing.

Dingus here forgets the plates to the getaway car.

-I'm really sorry about that. -Hey, the forms.

-Best two or three. -Winner takes all, one go.

- Go, game, four. - Yes.

Damn it.

I got some forms for you guys to fill out.

The keys are missing.

Fill em out your own damn self.

So, why all the way to Chicago?

Well, when I was a grad student, I studied anthropology, and we loved going to the field museum.

Our favorite thing to do was to go to this exhibit on ancient Egypt.

-We'd go all the time. -We never made it there.

Oh, you should... It's beautiful.

Yeah, they have these machines there.

I don't know if they have them anymore, but they did.

The Mold-o-Rama.

It's this plastic injection molded figurine

for dinosaurs, and we just loved them.

So, yeah, I'm going there to scatter her.

-Her ashes at the museum? -Mhm.

They probably don't let you scatter ashes at the museum.

-I mean, probably not. -Yeah, I know, probably not.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

Yeah, I bet. What with you being new to crime and all that.

-I normally don't do this. -Do what?

This, or anything, I guess.

We used to build statues, to heroism and victory and death.

It's so romantic, don't you think?

Yes, beautiful.

And everlasting.

Death used to be so audacious.

Nothing says, "I was here," like a monument.

Yeah, but where would you put it?

Just the idea of it, you know.

If you can't make a statement with your death, then

what did your life mean?

Wait, are you asking me?

No, I'm asking this guy.

I'm not sure we can wait for a response.

Museum is closing. Let's go home.

Home is nice.

Home is nice. But, this is nicer.

Amber?

What is this? What are you doing?

-Hey, stop. -I'm doing this for you, Ted.

You said so yourself. You need to get over her.

I'm not ready. This isn't right.

Nothing needs to change. And we could all be so happy here.

That's not what she wanted.

You have no idea what she wanted

You weren't even with her when she died.

I held Sam's hand as he left me.

You're feeling guilty 'cause you weren't there for her.

You could stay here with me.

Maybe, she's right.

No, it can't be here.

This is not right.

I have to keep going.

Hot. Diggity. Dog.

Oh shit.

Need a ride?

No, thanks. I'm just gonna...

Laura told me all about you, Teddy boy.

-Oh, yeah, Tracy? -Don't call me that.

Why don't you get together with Crystal? You two are perfectly made for each other.

-Don't change the subject. -I'm not. It's perfectly on topic.

-I'm not going to let you trick me. -I'm not trying to trick you.

I want you to be happy.

How dumb do you think I am?

I'm assuming that's a rhetorical question.

If Laura talked about us so much you'd know how important Chicago is.

She talked about how you couldn't handle getting fired...

from your cush teaching gig, melted down, moved to Colorado.

Her family loves me, not you.

Because all you do is screw things up.

You know what? I don't even care about her ashes anymore.

I'm just here to beat you because Laura deserved better.

God damn it, Tracy,

Oh, shit.

Hi. I think I got lost.

Uh... is that the highway?

Highway was moved... years ago.

It's 15 minutes' walk now or 4 if you drive.

-That way? -That way.

No, no, it's that way.

-Wasn't that where Fox's is? -No, that's that way.

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Wh... Where's Des Moines?

-That way. -This way.

-So east is... -That's west.

So, I need to go...

Has it always been that way?

That's why they put the highway over there.

Huh.

This area is a puzzle.

-Is it you? -It is.

You're not... You're not dead?

Uh, no, Ted, but you got beat up again.

Am I dreaming?

You're not dreaming. Me, yes, dead.

What are you? Are you... Are you like a ghost or something?

Wow. That's like asking a fish, "How's the water?"

Huh?

-Well, fish doesn't see water. -Do we know that?

I don't know the rules, Ted. I... I don't know how.

How... How doesn't matter?

-Why? Why matters. -Why are you here? Why are you back?

-I'm not sure. Where am I? -Nebraska.

No, we're, uh, in Iowa.

You know what, I'm not 100% on that either.

But where am I? Like, me.

Lost.

Well, partner, I guess I'm here to help you get me back.

You need to hail this car.

Hey, this car, right now. Stick your hand up.

-Come on. They can't see me. -Oh, I missed you so much.

- They can't see me. - Oh.

That was our ride.

Come on.

Hello. Thank you for stopping.

-Where you headed? -Uh...

Whoa, man. What happened to your face?

- Cool. - You should see the other guy?

- Hey, shut up! - They can't see me.

-I see that. -So, you headed west?

-Where are we headed? -West.

And remember, no one else can see me.

But, wait, don't we... We don't want to go east?

I do not think Howl would go east.

Plus, we need to be sensitive to the fact that

-no one else can see me. -No one else can see you.

- Right. Um... West is best. - Great.

Huh.

So, what happened?

Uh... I got into a fight with my dead wife's boyfriend.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

♪ Got into a fight ♪

♪ With my dead wife's Boyfriend, yeah ♪

What's happening?

♪ And I thought, What's happening? ♪

♪ What's happening? ♪

Is this the only way?

♪ Is this the only way? ♪

Are you guys gonna sing everything that I say?

♪ Yes ♪

Oh, I think there's a store coming up that we need to stop at.

Uh, why?

Well, I'm sort of just winging this right now.

Well, you do it.

I can't. I have to operate through you.

So, you know, you have to do what I say.

Just no jokes, no commentary.

-Just do. -Okay.

Uh, hey, guys, there's a store coming up.

Uh, I think we should stop at it.

We're running out of Band Aids.

♪ Pulling off the highway To get bandages for... ♪

Wait, what's your name?

Ted.

♪ Ted ♪

Hey.

So how did it... How did it happen?

How'd I die?

I was driving along, enjoying my music.

I noticed there was a fly in the car.

I tried to get it out.

It flew to the window.

I rolled down the window, it totally flew out, success!

Yeah! Oh...

Drove right off the road.

Wow, that's so unsatisfying.

Tell me about it.

Buy this. Oh.

You still have that quarter?

No.

You lost our special quarter.

This crazy lady stole it from me and made me do this crazy dance.

Oh. I don't know what to think about that.

Things have just been really weird since I've seen you last.

-That's stealing. -Is it?

Hey, I've been so lost without you.

You were pretty lost with me.

What are we... What are we even doing here?

Shopping.

Okay. Can we just slow down? Can we just stop for a second.

I... I never thought that I would see you again,

and now, I see you again.

And... I just want to tell you that I'm sorry.

I appreciate the need to unburden your soul,

but it feels like, again, that's become my problem.

And now I'm stuck in this weird limbo,

and I'm only here because you couldn't figure out what to do with my ashes.

And... And now I'm lost. Or my ashes are anyway.

And my whole family wants you arrested.

Oh, um, I'm sorry about that, too, right now.

I can't do anything with sorry. Action, Ted!

Okay.

Uh... action.

Uh, so, what? What do you want me to do?

-Pick one of these. -I pick that one.

What's going on with this ensemble?

Oh, yeah, the crazy lady.

This is her... This is her dead husband's clothes.

I told you, things have been really weird.

Are you sure you're not a figment of my imagination or a projection of something?

I don't feel like a figment of your imagination?

I feel real.

I mean, as real as a ghost can be.

A ghost that only you can see. No.

-How do you know? -Do you know where my ashes are?

Howl has 'em. It's the best I got.

So that proves it.

Because there are things I know, like what we have to do

to get my ashes back, so I can't be a figment of your imagination,

because that would be impossible. That's nice.

But... Yeah, that would be

the most impossiblest part of this situation.

Also buy the lighter. It's the last thing, I promise.

Fine.

And also, buying this bouncy ball.

- Why? - Out of spite.

He does that all the time.

There's an abandoned drive-in movie theater three miles down the road.

You need to get them to stop there for the night.

-Uh, please fill me in here. -You said you would trust me.

There's an abandoned movie theater about three miles up the road.

I think we should stop there for the night.

Oh, my God. Are you going to kill us?

-Am I supposed to murder them? -Unfortunately, no.

Classic. Murdered by a hitchhiker.

-Cool. -No, no murdering.

We're just going to sleep there for the night

-Make a fire, Sing some songs. -Make a fire, Sing some songs.

♪ Great ♪

Great.

-I'm going to get some more wine. -Go ye, wood nymphs.

Gather kindling in yonder wood.

You know, you're a lot funnier now that you're dead, you know that.

Oh.

You do realize I'm the one that's still getting us

-out of trouble, right? -Mm. Made for each other.

♪ I'll sing you three, O ♪

♪ Green grow the rushes, O ♪

♪ What is your three, O? ♪

♪ Three, three arrivals! ♪

♪ Two, two The lily-white boys ♪

♪ Smoking all that green, O ♪

♪ One is one, and all alone ♪

♪ And ever more shall be so ♪

♪ I'll sing you four, O Green grow the rushes, O ♪

♪ What is your four, O? Four for the gospel-makers ♪

♪ And three, three arrivals! ♪

♪ Two, two The lily-white boys ♪

♪ Smoking all that green, O ♪

♪ One is one, and all alone ♪

♪ And ever more shall be so ♪

♪ I'll sing you five, O ♪

♪ Green grow the rushes, O ♪

♪ What is your five, O ♪

♪ Five for the symbols At your door ♪

♪ Four for the gospel makers ♪

♪ And three, three arrivals! ♪

♪ Two, two The lily-white boys ♪

♪ Smoking all that green, O ♪

♪ One is one, and all alone ♪

♪ And ever more shall be so ♪

♪ I'll sing you six, O ♪

♪ Green grow the rushes, O ♪

♪ What is your six, O ♪

♪ Six for the six Proud walkers ♪

♪ Five for the symbols At your door ♪

♪ Four for the gospel makers ♪

♪ And three, three arrivals! ♪

♪ Two, two The lily-white boys ♪

♪ Smoking all that green, O ♪

♪ One is one, and all alone ♪

♪ And ever more shall be so ♪

♪ one is one, and all alone ♪

♪ And ever more shall be so ♪

So, what do we do now?

Now you make a decoy of the ashes.

That's why you had me buy that stuff.

-Yes. -Why didn't you just tell me that?

I don't know.

Our last morning together, you said you wanted the gods to intervene.

Perhaps I shouldn't have tempted fate.

Do you think that we would have figured it out?

If we had tried, maybe.

-Were you gonna to try? -Yes.

I just... I some... I let dumb shit get in the way sometimes.

Would you have ever scattered me if Howl hadn't stolen them?

Yeah, wh... When you died,

I just wanted everything to stay the same.

I wanted to have the same breakfast,

the same lunch, the same dinner,

and there's a part of me that still does.

I'm worried that if I say good bye to you,

and if I actually let you go, then...

there's not going to be anything left of me either.

I'm so alone and I'm miserable.

Oh, good.

-What? -He's going to breakfast

- Oh... good. - Come on.

Oh...

Hey, did you know that all along?

Crap!

How do we get in?

Just try the handle.

Do you have magic?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

This is basic motel security.

The doors lock on their own. See!

Howl has a weird relationship with locks.

We got to go.

Ted, Howl's parking.

Wait. Wait.

So... this is it?

I love you.

Go out the window.

Okay.

- Yeah? - You ready to go?

I'll leave in like, ten minutes.

Did you already get breakfast?

Yeah.

Wow. Thanks for the invite.

-Okay. Bye. - You know, I'm hungry...

Uh, it's incredibly lucky.

Look!

I'm gonna wait you out, teddy boy.

Yeah, well, I have all the time in the world

You got ten minutes before you run out of gas.

You win, Howl.

Can we just end this. Please?

Right here.

Right now.

Teddy, Come on.

I am faster, stronger, better than you.

What?

I need a ride.

Is there a problem?

Says, he needs a ride.

-Where? -How?

We got what we came for.

Did Ted steal your truck again?

You're such a pain in the ass.

Will you just give me the ride?

Did he steal the ashes too?

No, I have them right here.

Ok, I don't understand.

So, he took your truck, but not the ashes?

Yeah, that's right, Crystal.

Yeah, That doesn't make any sense.

Well, maybe he gave up.

Crystal will drive you.

Momma! I am... No...

When you get to the border... Illinois,

you have to choose between I88 and 80.

Take 80.

You'll be thanking me later.

Yes, sir.

You are the most loyal, true,

faithful, committed guy I've known.

Thank you, Momma.

All right. Can we go now?

Can I tell you something?

The ashes you gave to Momma were a decoy.

It's obvious.

It wasn't to your Momma.

She can't find out.

Tell me why and I won't say anything.

Look, it's more of a ritual...

...to them than anything else.

And what they don't know can't hurt them.

So...

I can't lose to him.

Ted?

You kidding me?

No.

So what's your plan when you get there?

Catch him.

You know.

Beat him up, get my car back, go home.

Has beating him up worked for you so far?

-Yes. -He's outsmarted you every time.

You gotta have fox to fox.

You have to beat him at his own game, Howl.

So we're about two hours.

Plus traffic.

Plus Chicago traffic, four hours.

But we're close.

We're really close.

Jesus Christ!

You scared the shit out of me.

What?

What are you doing back?

Ted.

Did you lose my ashes again?

No, no, look, you're right here.

I did everything that you told me to do.

Where are we?

We're in Illinois. Right here.

Which is like two, well, four hours to Chicago.

Field Museum.

Right.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna scatter you where we were the happiest.

Why am I back?

I don't know.

I can't do this anymore.

What... Then...

Let's get going.

Great.

Okay.

Do you know what sacred means?

Special?

Special?

Sacrosanct, to be venerated, inviolable, untouchable.

What prompted you to disturb that which is more special?

It was an accident.

Give it.

You are banned from the field museum for life.

You believe this crap.

This is it.

Ted.

Mr. Daniels.

Huh?

I am Steven Lesca. The head of security here.

I just met your friend Howl.

What? No!

-It's not even his real name. -That's not even his real name.

Sorry.

Howl. It's a stupid nickname.

His real name's Tracy.

Always better, I suppose.

Yeah, and he's not my friend.

I'm sorry about that.

What brings you to the Field today?

The art.

The... The art.

-The art? -The art.

The art.

-Art. -Really? Art?

I'm here to admire and observe the art.

That's not what Howl told us.

Yeah, well, his name's a verb, so...

Nothing happens in this museum that I cannot see.

And I'm looking at your face right now.

Am I doing something weird with my face?

-Yeah. -Yes.

Look, it's a touching story

and I know you've come a long way.

Don't do it

All right. It's all set.

Thanks for the ride. And you know the advice.

Sure you don't need me to stick around?

Nah, all I need are my keys back.

You know, beat him up. Should be a cinch.

What happened?

Can you see anything?

Ted.

I'm not magical.

Howl is here.

Oh, you're not magical, huh?

Then how can you tell if--

Hey, Loser.

Where's my truck?

Hey, what's your deal, man?

I just wanted to see the look on your face

when you realised I beat you.

Worth it. Totally worth it.

I out foxed the fox.

You are the fox.

Yeah. And what does that make you?

A better fox.

Give me my truck back and we're even.

You have an unbelievably screwed up concept of even.

Your monument was a joke.

Didn't she say you couldn't stand for what you believe in?

Came all the way to Chicago for what?

Nothing.

Wow, no one crosses Ted Daniels, I guess.

Hey, don't make fun.

I feel bad enough as it is.

Oh, well, if it makes you feel any better,

I think that the bouncy ball did most of the work.

The path is clear now.

We just have to...

...outsmart the impenetrable security at the Field Museum.

No one crosses Ted Daniels.

We know their security cameras everywhere, right?

Maybe it's not meant to be.

No, no, it has to be.

We've come this far.

No one crosses Ned Taniels.

Who is that?

Guy I made up... right now.

Well, whatever you're gonna do, we should do it fast.

I'm fading pretty quick here.

We could do it here.

Yeah.

BUt, we're not going to.

You always knew where we were happiest.

It was never about tombs, or gods, or monuments.

Happiness for us was uncomplicated.

Let's go home.

This guy?

I have to go.

No, you need to leave.

Yeah. Look, I'm trying to.

Look, you were right. I was going to scatter her...

Yeah, I knew that.

Yeah, but I'm not going to now.

I know that too.

Because I decided not to.

Wait a minute.

So you're leaving?

Yes, if you let me.

Thank you.

Fine. Wonderful.

Actually, uh, I'm sorry.

Can we do one thing first?

Oh!

Now, I'll leave.

Oh, you're awake?

They discharging you soon?

Huh.

You feeling better?

Mmm. Can I get you anything?

You hungry or?

There's a vending machine right...

Oh, here.

You know, I kind of like you not being able to talk.

You know, you've been a real asshole

for a really long time.

I think you do it because you're trying to protect yourself or something.

And that's okay.

I think somewhere in there you're a good person.

Just don't be a prick all the time

I came to let you know I'm spreading Laura's ashes in Colorado.

Yep.

In Egyptian mythology,

when you die,

Anubis weighs your heart against this feather of truth.

Ideally, you know your heart,

you kind of want, even.

Because if it's too heavy, if it's too light,

then this terrible monster named Ammit comes and then he just like, argh...

He just, like, swallows your heart and,

pretty much doomed to oblivion.

The idea is, in the end, you want to be even.

And evenness allows you to pass to the underworld.

Well, because if we die tomorrow,

I wouldn't want to know that we weren't even.

Why are we doing this?

I just want to be even.

No, it's not a trick.

But, I do want to steal that truck of yours one more time.

This is where we were happiest.

When we were doing absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry that I had to drive cross country to realize that.

You just like to get into trouble.

Yeah.

Because I know that you won't give me out.

Yeah.

What am I going to do without you?

You're going to be all right.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I will.

I loved every moment with you.

I loved being able to be your partner.

I love that you let me be your partner.

I love you, so much.

I love you, too.

Goodbye, Laura.

♪ You fight to make it up♪

♪ Tear a year away♪

♪ Heart in hand you hold♪

♪ Look the other way♪

♪ Have to hold♪

♪ Leaves you cold♪

♪ Makes you grow♪

♪ Takes its toll♪

♪ You fight to make it up♪

♪ Tear a year away♪

♪ Heart in hand you hold♪

♪ Look the other way♪

♪ Have to hold♪

♪ Leaves you cold♪

♪ Makes you grow♪

♪ Takes its toll♪

♪ Have to hold♪

♪ Leaves you cold♪

♪ You fight to make it up♪

♪ Tear a year away♪

♪ Heart in hand you hold♪

♪ Look the other way♪

♪ Have to hold♪

♪ Leaves you cold♪

♪ Makes you grow♪

♪ Takes its toll♪

♪ You fight to make♪

♪ Fight to make

♪ Fight to make♪

♪ Fight to make it up♪

♪ It up♪

♪ It up♪

♪ It up ♪