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Kids, breakfast!

Kids?

Phil, would you get them?

Yeah, just a sec.

That is so, Kids, get down here!

Why are you guys yelling at us, when we're way upstairs, just text me.

Alright, That's not gonna happen, and, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.

What's Wrong with it? - Honey, do you have anything to say to you're daughter...

... about her skirt?

Sorry? Oh yeah, that looks really cute sweetheart!

Thanks! - No, it's way to short, people know you're a girl...

... you don't need to prove it to them.

Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.

I got it.

Where's the babyoil? - It's on our bedside tip...

...I Don't know, find it.

Come on!

I... was out of control growing up, there, you know, i said it.

I, just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes i made.

If hayley never would exhibit on a beach in florida, half naked... I've done my job.

OUR job. - Right...

I've done our job.

That was a penalty!

Gloria, there Owen's six, let's take it down a notch.

We're, verry different.

He's from the city. He has big business.

I'm come from a small village, very poor, but very very beautiful.

It's the number one village in north-columbia, before al the...

... what's the word? - Murders.

Yes, the murders.

Manny, stop him!

Dammit, manny!

Come on, coach! You've gotta take that kid out!

You wanna take him out?

How about I take you out!?

Honey, honey...

Why don't you worry about you're son! He'd spend the first half with his hands in his pants!

I wanted to tell her that for the last six weeks...

I'm Josh, Brian's dad. - Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett...

... Manny's mother. Oh, this must be you're dad.

Her dad? Uh, no, no, that's funny.

Actually no, I'm her husband! Don't be fooled by the...

Give me a second here.

She's adorable! - Oh, thank you!

Hey precious... - Hello.

We've just adopted her from vietnam and we're bringing her home for the first time.

She's an angel. You and you're wive must be thrilled!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, daddy needed snacks.

So, what are we talking about?

We have been together for... five years now?

And we've decided we really wanted to have a baby...

... so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate

Then we figured, they already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?

No, thank you.

You saw that right? Everybody fonding up to lillian, then you walk on...

... and suddenly it's all

I'm gonna give a speech. - You are not giving a speech ...

... you gonna stuck with this people for the next five hours! - You'r right, it's okay, i'm sorry.

Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.

Okay, excuse me. But this baby would be growin up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us creampuffs ...

... and you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this,

love knows no race, creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe...

Mitchel? - What?

She's got the creampuffs.

We would like to pay for everyone's headset's.

MODERN FAMILY SEASON 1 EPISODE 1

Buddy, why do you keep getting stuk like this?

I can get out this time.

I'm just gonna say it... he needs to be checked by a specialist.

There! Be free, Excalibur!

I'm having a friend over today. - Who?

You don't know him. - Him?

Oeh, a boy! You gonna kiss him? - Shut up

Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? - And do what?

Fighting a son, it would be a nice change. I'm kidding!

Who's the boy? - His name is Dylan ...

... I might as well just tell him not to come, because you guys are just going to embarrase me again.

Hang on a second, you're fifteen, it's the first time you've had a boy over

I'm bound to be a little suprised, but... We're not gonna embarasse you!

I'm better go charge the camcorder.

I'm kidding! Come on! Who are you talking to?

I'm a cool dad. That's my thang.

I surf the web, i text LOL Laugh Out Loud,

OMG, Oh My God,

WTF, Why The Face.

You know, i know all the dances to High School Musical, so.

MOM! DAD! - What happend?

Luke just shot me! - I didn't mean to!

Are you okay? - No, the little bitch shot me!

Language! The're only plastick bb's!

It was an accident!

What did I tell you what happened if you got him a gun? Deal with this!

Buddy... Uncool.

That's it?

No, the agreement was that, if he shoots someone ...

... you shoot him.

We were serious about that?

Yes, we were and now you have to follow through.

I'm so sorry! - Liar.

Go! - He's got a birthday party.

What's more importand here dad?

You can shoot him afterwards, he'll be home at two. - I can't shoot him at two, showing our house at two.

What about three?

No, he's at a soccergame at three, and then... Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing in five.

4:15, you can shoot him at 4:15. - Yeah, I guess that works for me.

Shoot Luke. - Sorry dude, it's on the calender

Oh, come on!

I'm quitting soccer, it is a game for children.

No, you're not quitting. You would've stoped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl.

She is not a girl, She is a woman.

You know Gloria, that blowup with that other mom, why do you have to do things like that?

If someone sais somthing about my family, i'm going to... - I'm just ...

... saying you could take it down here a little bit. - Well yeah, but that's when you live down here ...

... but i live up here!

You don't have to be so emotional all the time, that's all I'm saying.

Manny, you're with me on this, right? - I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.

Oh, for God's sake.

Honey, she's 16. - Oh, it's okay for you to take another lover?

Watch it!

I want to go to the mall where she works.

But first we need to get my white shirt, the silk one.

Okay, if that's what you really want to do.

Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16 year old ...

... you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in you're puffy white underpants!

Stop the car!

Where you going?

You hurt his feelings. - Well, if it toughens him up a littlebit, then ...

... oh, jeez, he's picking flowers!

Manny is verry pasioned, just like his father. My first husband is very handsome but, to crazy.

It seemd like all what we did was, fight and make love.

One time, i'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.

Which one we're you doing?

I'm hearing this for the first time!

This doesn't worry you?

She barely slept in the plane, and she's stil wide awake. - Oh, stop worrying!

That orphinage, it was all woman. Maybe she cannot fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape.

I guess that's possible.

So, here. - What the hell is that suppose to mean?

Yes, i've gained a few extra pounds while we expecting the baby.

Which has been verry difficult. But, apparently you're body does a nesting, very maturnal ...

... primal thing, were it retaines nutrisians. Some sort of molecular fysiology thing.

But that's science, you can't fight it.

I'm not saying anything.

You're saying everything.

Count to three, one, t... - Three. - Okay.

O My God, do you love it? -Yes, I...

What the hell is that?

I had Andre do it when we we're gone.

Is that us?

With wings?

We're floating above her, always there to protect her.

Well, that's reassuring, right Lilly? Yeah, we tore you away from everyting you know but ...

... don't worry, things are normal here. You're fathers are floating fairy's!

Can you call Andre? Have him paint someting a little less gay?

We need to stop having friends with names like Andre.

Redheaded dad, is angry daddy. - No I'm not. - Yes, you are.

Even pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport. - Okay, that's anotherone pepper!

Okay, wat's up?

I ...

I never told my family we were adopting a baby.

I know. - You do?

And I don't blame you, I know your family.

You tell them, they say something judgementally.

Exactly! - You get mad.

I know, and it's supposed to be nothing, but joyfull suddenly turns into this huge fight.

Who wants a big emotional scene like that?

Thank you, i'm so reliefed you understand.

I invited them over for dinner tonight.

What? - I had to!

This would have gone on forever. You're an avoider.

No, I'm calling them now, I'm cancelling. - No, you're not!

You're telling your family you've adopted a baby, tonight.

And you do have avoidings issues!

Are you really not hearing this things?

Don't answer it, i'll get it!

Heey, you must be Dylan. - Hey, Dylan, yeah.

I'm Haley's mother.

Hey, come on, let's go.

Hang on one second

Dylan... You're still in High School? - Yeah, i'm a Senior.

Phil, sweety, honey. He is Dylan and he is a Senior.

Let me meet this playa.

Phil Dunphy, jo!

It's like that, you just start down on him and let the eyes do the work.

You're mouth might be saying: Hey, we cool!

But you're eyes are like: No, we not!

Nice to meet you! No, it's not!

'S all good? No, 's it is'n...

Jo. - Jo.

Okay, I've seen two guys -Wait

You two ...

... two keep it real? You k'now what it mean, son?

Not really.

Please stop. - That's cool!

Oh, God, That's my back! Owh, oh, I slipped in the babyoil.

Ooh, whe're you from originally? I could defeat you if it came to a phisical confrontation!

I don't know about this, shall I call a doctor? - No, no, no.

You're verry strong homes. - Thanks.

Okay, nice, nice soft landing

Okay, I am on my side, so flip me right back and we're good. We'll be good

Just need to get flipped right on my back, we should be fine, so.

Feldman.

What is that? - A poem i've written for Brenda Feldman.

Ofcourse that is. - I put my toughts into words, and now my words into action!

Ey, I give you 50 bucks not to do this.

I'm eleven years old, what am I gonna do with money?

What are you gonna do with a sixteen year old?

It's like a bullfight!

Ever seen a bullfight?

I can't watch this.

You're in such a bad mood. And I know why,

It's because that man thought you were my father. - No - Yes -NO

When you say no like that, it's always yes.

Come on, we're in the mall, let's get you like some yougher clothes ...

... there's a store there that I know... - I don't need any youngher clothes!

And I don't care what some jackass in a pair of ribbed jeans thinks about me.

Good, you shouldn't. You should only care what I think.

I love you, and I don't care how old you are. So stop beeing an gloomygoos,

and stop beeing so hard on Manny. - The only reason i'm hard on Manny ...

... is just because i don't wanna see him make a fool of himself.

And I can smell that hairgoo of his from here!

Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there ...

... but you're his family now. And that means only one thing.

You be there winning his back, not to spit in his face!

What?

Something my mom always sais, it's georgeous in spanish.

Look, he's there.

She has a boyfriend.

I gave her my heart. She gave me a picture of me as an oldtime sheriff.

That was pretty stupidly, wasn't it?

No mi amore, it´s was brave, right Jay? Brave.

I.. b... you'll know better next time. Come on! Let's get a pretzel.

Oh, excuse me, sir? We asked all mall-walkers to stay to the right.

Alex, get out! MOM!

Alex, leave you're sister alone!

I was just getting my book, gosh! - I know sweety, but you need to respect her privacy.

What are they doing up there? Nothing, lying in her bed, watching a movie.

Okay... Okay... I'm making a cake for tonight, you wanna help me with the frosting?

Sure.

So, you know if Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby's yours?

What?

The senior at school was out sick for four months, but she was out breastfeeding in an cleanup carwash.

Buddy, what are you wearing? - Nothing.

No jacket, no hat.

How many pairs of underwear do you have on? - One ...

... Six.

First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat,

and how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew.

Haley is not getting pregnant!

I'm just saying if.

I know, and I know you like to make trouble for your sister but it's not gonna work this time.

You know why? 'Cause you're sister is a good girl.

I know, I was just like her when I was...

I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this. This is an emportant lesson that you're leaning, so.

'S all good, keep it...

You're to close, it's gonna hurt. - It's supposed to hurt!

And why are you smiling?

I'm... What?

Oh, forget it. I can't do this. The point is, you're scared.

I think you've learned you're lesson.

Mom?!

What are you doing? - Hey, I was just dropping off some laundry,

this is a bad time?

Yeah...

Oh, okay.

Can you shut the door please?

Actually we're just go ahead and leave that open.

Why?

Because I have euh, seen this little show before:

Lying on the bed with a tall, senior.

one minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest,

and the next you're lying underneath the air-hockey table with you're bra un-pocket!

Mom!

You hit my bone! - It was an accident!

I tought we were friends! - I am your friend!

Dad?! Dad, you have got to talk to mom, she is like completely freaking out and emberassing me.

Well, honey, you're mom isn't always as cool about things as I...

... What is with this thing!

My dad, isn't completely comfortable with...

... This, ehum, he still does this thing. It's been five years now.

And he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room were in.

Just to make sure he doesn't ever see us kiss.

Wish my mother had that system.

Remember? - Not now.

I still can't beleve you did this to me! - Would you get in the spirit of things!

It's a celebration!

Oh God.

I'm gonna go get Lily ready, and I want you to just come straight out with it, you can do this!

Sportsguy-chest-bump, sportsguy-chest-bump! Do it, GO!

Heey, how are you? Hi guys!

Well thank you, thanks. - Don't thank us open it, dad is right behind

Knock, knock, we're here! Coming in! - Don't worry dad, nothing gay going on here.

May I take you're multicoloured coat and you're bejeweled cap?

Yeah.

Hey Jay - Gloria, hi! How are you?

Hi Gloria, how are you? What a beautiful dress!

Thank you, Phil! - Oh, Okay.

Phil! She said Phil, not feel!

So how was you're trip? - It was good, it was good actually but...

...about that I have something that I need to tell you guys.

We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We, kinda have some big news.

Oh, God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving!

Dad! - I hope he didn't embarrase you, mom.

Don't mind her, Haley had her first boy over today, and Phil shot him.

Anyway, so about a year ago. Cam and I sort have feeling this longing for something more...

...like, maybe a baby.

Woooh, that's a bad idea.

What do you mean, bad idea? - Well, kids need a mother!

I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog!

We're not bored, dad!

I support you Mitchell, and tough you're not my son

I think what dad is trying to say is that, Mitchell you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos...

...and you don't handle well.

That's not what's it's saying what you saying. And it's insulting in an whole different way.

Okay, people, let's all chillax!

Where's uncle Cameron? - Finally, thank you, someone who's not insulting me,

noticed he's not here.

So, that's the big announcement. You two broke up.

Well a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway! Let me tell you, your'll better of, because

he was a bit of a dramaqueen.

Stop, stop, you come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend who is by the way not that dramatic!

We've adopted a baby. Her name is Lilly

Exciting!

Just turn it off. - I can't turn it off, it's who I am!

The music! - Oh, yes, the music.

Come, say hello Lilly.

Lilly? Isn't that gonna be hard for her to say? - Phil.

Excuse me... Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea.

But...

What do I know?

I mean, It's not like I wrote a book on fatherhood. I'm trying whole my life to get it right, i'm still screwing up.

Right, Manny?

I wrote a song about it in the car. - Ofcourse you did.

Anyway, I'm happy for ya! And you should know that...

...I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back.

It's supposed to sound better in spanish.

Anyhow, Mitch.

No, dad, it's... I got it, I got it.

She want's her daddy. - Do you wanna meet grandpa?

You're kidding? She's one of us now, let me see that little potsticker!

Eey, you're a cutie, aren't you!

We're from different worlds.

Yet we somehow fit together.

Love is what's binds us.

Through fair, or stormy weather.

I stand before you now with only one agenda

To let you know my heart is yours. Feldman, Brenda

I mean seriously!

Look, so far, he hasn't beaten me at basketball.

2-0

Get that! Will you step out of my kitchen!

Could you just do me a favour and just grab...

How's the weather down there?

But, when the day comes that he does win, if, you know, if when...

...he beats me.

I'm just gonna be like, well done! Well done!

Just let him, just support him.

In that kind of stuff. I'm probably just wanna go like,

2 out of 3, and just see what happens there, but.