Original subtitles

-[dramatic music] -[woman gasping and screaming]

[Micheal] You okay, darling?

Oh, Michael, I just had the most awful dream.

You were involved in a,

oh, God, it was terrible!

Don't worry, Marley, I'm here.

-But Adam? -It's fine, it's fine.

Remember, Adam's away all weekend.

It's just you and me.

That's right, Marley.

I'm away all weekend.

[Marley screaming and gasping]

It's official!

I'm losing my mind.

♪ I'll be your side forever ♪

♪ Goin' no where soon ♪

♪ You and me together always ♪

♪ Now I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ Got no plans to walk away now ♪

♪ Darlin' don't you know it's true ♪

♪ Baby you're stuck with me ♪

♪ 'Cause I am stuck on you ♪

[bright upbeat music]

And the bickering!

You're always bickering.

I can't stand the bickering.

Dead people don't bicker.

They lie, silent, never to annoy again.

[Micheal] We weren't bickering.

[Adam] We were just calmly discussing who loves you more.

-Which is obviously me. -I'm the husband!

I'm the lover.

We were married for 17 years.

19.

Whereas you were only a warm body on a cold night.

I belong here.

I belong with Marley.

You don't belong anywhere, you're dead.

I belong here.

I love her.

Because you love her?

Because I desperately love Marley.

-Desperately! -I desperately, completely

and utterly love Marley.

-When's her birthday? -What?

Marley's birthday.

The birthday of the woman you desperately,

completely and utterly love.

When is it?

I don't have to answer that.

You bloody do!

When's my birthday?

-Your what? -Her birthday.

You're not helping.

I know, come on when it is?

It's always a time of great celebration.

-When's my bloody birthday? -I don't bloody know!

God, you don't know when my birthday is,

you don't know how long we were married.

For God's sake!

Morning, Tina.

You were born April the 7th at 3:34 in the morning.

I know Marley's birthday, her parents' birthdays,

her primary school, secondary school, sixth form college.

The name of her university, Manchester.

The name of her English professor, Professor Dawkins.

The name of her first lover, Andrew Gibson.

Where she lost her virginity, 42 Melville Road.

When she lost her virginity, the 17th of May.

Shoe size, dress size, bra size.

Stop following me!

Ah no, technically, we're not following you,

you're following us, see we're actually arriving before--

Shut up, Adam!

I know each and every detail of her life

from her favorite pair of shoes

to her favorite pair of knickers.

I made it my business to check her mail, her diaries.

-If that's not love. -Mercury.

Oh, they can't hear you, Adam.

Nobody can hear him except me,

but I don't want to hear him.

I don't want to hear any of you.

I don't want to see any of you.

Oh, guys, Marley is obviously distraught.

We need to listen to her, understand her.

Please, I just need you to.

-Adam! -What?

-You're still watching the -- -It's quick-fire.

I'm having a breakdown and you're still, Adam!

-What? -Oh, I can't live like this.

All right, everybody needs to calm down.

Take a breath.

Everybody who's not yet dead, take a breath.

Now, this situation is obviously,

Crap.

I was going to say awkward, but okay.

Look, there's a story from the Book of Luke

and it might help.

It's the fable of the wise woman and the well.

-Does anybody know that one? -No.

Oh, that's a shame.

Nor do I.

Oh, the four beggars.

It's about the four beggars.

And this is a good one.

It's and it will offer comfort.

So, there's four beggars and they get invited into a house.

-Adam? -What?

-Are you listening? -Yeah.

To the telly!

No, no, to the story of the, the, what the vicar said.

Oh, come on, it's quick-fire!

Oh, I can't take any more.

I've got a life to live, let me live it!

You were my husband, you were my lover,

you were the vicar at the church at the end of the road,

but now you're dead.

Let me grieve in peace.

How can I get you to leave?

-How can I get you-- -Statue of Liberty.

Oh, my God!

What is wrong with you two?

Fine, I'll go.

That was your fault.

Me?

You set her off.

No, if you hadn't done the when's her birthday thing,

she wouldn't be so angry.

And not actually knowing when your wife's birthday is,

joining in with a TV quiz while she's having a breakdown,

that didn't upset her at all, did it?

She'll calm down!

[glass shattering]

Or maybe not.

[dramatic music]

Okay, fine, I live with ghosts.

I have to deal with it.

But I don't want to live with ghosts.

Aw!

I'm sure, together, we can find comfort.

Really?

What, there's a story in the Bible about a woman

who lives with her dead husband?

And a dead lover?

And a dead vicar?

All of whom refuse to leave?

[eerie music]

You know, St Peter once said a very wise thing.

What?

What did he say?

[sighs] No, sorry, I'm talking bollocks.

I've no idea.

Just used to make up stories to fit situations

and say St Peter said them.

You weren't a very good vicar, were you?

Not as I remember, no.

Marley, could I have a word?

[Shelley] Rubbish, worthless, rubbish, worthless.

[Vince] Sure, this looks all right.

Oh no, you can't have that.

Don't want it Vince.

What do you mean you don't want it?

You can't have it, but what do you mean you don't want it?

It's rubbish.

[Adam And Vince] It's not rubbish.

That's an actual Hanwell

Under-17s Runner-Up football medal.

We want jewelry.

Jewelry's upstairs.

How can you not want the medal?

-Don't tell them! -Well, they can't hear me.

-Then why? -I don't know!

I'm excited.

I've never been in a robbery before.

[Shelley] Vince, put the rubbish down!

[Adam And Vince] It's not rubbish!

Probably means a lot to someone.

[Shelley] Check the telly or something.

What word can go before meat, dog and roll?

[Adam And Vince] Uh.

Vince!

-Sausage. -Aw!

-So easy! -I was going to say that!

Then why didn't you?

Why didn't you?

Because we're being burgled!

[Adam sighs]

[TV Announcer] Sorry, the object of Goldfinger.

Now, I know you've been through a lot recently,

and we're all very sympathetic.

Look, it's not me, you understand,

but some members of the residents association

have been a little worried lately.

-Worried? -Yes.

Why?

Well, you just seem a little distracted.

[dramatic music]

Sorry?

Distracted.

Just some members of the committee have noticed

some erratic behavior.

What erratic behavior?

Well.

Oh, yeah, you do do that.

Oh, right, that erratic behavior.

Look, it's not me, you understand,

and obviously, what with your recent bereavement,

things haven't been easy for you.

No, they haven't they haven't been easy for me, no, no.

-No. -Marley?

Yes.

So this distracted business,

Be gone, foul demons, never to cast a shadow

upon the brightness of this world again.

I cast you out!

Yes.

Yes!

Got to go.

-Vicar. -Who?

[bright dramatic music]

What do Americans call a torch?

-Oh, I know this one. -I know this, I know this.

[TV Announcer] I need you to hurry here.

What do Americans call a torch?

A flashlight.

[Adam And Vince] Oh, bloody hell!

[TV Announcer] Flashlight.

Same character on the back of--

Hey, hey, look at this!

No, no, no you can't have that.

I bought that for Marley.

That's very special.

What is it?

It's actually a rather rare, rather exquisite piece.

Looks like they got it from a car boot sale.

I bought it on Bond Street!

-Worthless. -Oh, he's not listening.

To a ghost, really?

Listen, idiot, this happens

to be a rather wonderful piece of Chinese neckwear.

Thank you, Shelley!

It's worth about 900.

I paid a lot more than that!

And he's the idiot?

Oh, someone's coming, someone's coming, out!

We follow the necklace.

Start the car Vince.

-Vince! -Yes.

The boy's an idiot.

Well give him a chance.

You take your time, Vince.

He knows what he's doing.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Well don't tell them that.

It's not the first car you've stolen.

It's the first car I've stolen.

Why didn't you steal a Jag?

Well obviously he didn't want to steal a Jag.

I should have stole a Jag.

Oh now you're just trying to make me look silly.

Ah, good lad!

Now just stay within the speed limit, nice and easy.

Off we go.

Let's find another house.

[TV faintly murmuring]

And if I can't cast you out, others shall take my place.

Be gone, foul demons of the damned!

Yeah, you tell 'em, bad actor.

You do know that's not real?

Worth thinking about, though, eh?

-What? -Be gone foul, demons!

I cast you out.

-Looks all right. -Yeah.

[quiet piano music]

Well, this is rather nice.

[glass shattering]

[[Shelley] I think this is an original.

Who's the artist?

-Lambert Kilby. -Oh, he's very good.

Yeah, very collectable.

It's a sound investment.

This place is a goldmine.

Look at all these 20th-century Pop Art pieces.

They have got a cracking DVD collection.

Oh, I'll get us a nice one for later.

Oh, Something About Mary?

Oh, yeah that's good.

I watched that with Marley.

Oh, it's got, oh what's his name.

-That fellow-- -Ben Stiller.

Um, you know the, oh Ben Stiller, yeah.

And who's that girl in it as well?

-Oh, really good-looking. -Oh, you know, the fit one.

Ssh!

Vince, if you're not gonna help, just sit down and shut up.

He's just trying to find you something to watch together.

And you.

Oh, superb!

I think this is an Elsbet Saunders.

See if it's signed.

Oh, Saunders, yes!

How comes you know so much about art and that?

I read books.

That's like the internet, but printed on paper.

Well, we've come to the right house!

And who got us in?

Who did the door?

Vince!

You're both too quick to have a go at him.

He found the house, he broke in.

He chucks bricks through windows.

Hardly the mark of a master criminal.

Shelley's in a different league.

She knows about art, culture.

She has taste and, yes, daring.

If she had a decent accomplice, she'd be much better.

Oh, I can imagine Shelley disabling advanced alarm systems,

slipping cat-like through the night,

in a tight outfit of gloves, boots, straps.

[footsteps thudding]

-[door clicks] -Someone is here.

I'm going to open the door very, very slowly.

Okay.

Be really quiet and when we get outside

-Cameron Diaz! -Cameron Diaz!

Sh, for Christ's sake, Vince!

He's just remembered!

-Ssh! -Who's there?

Run!

[bright dramatic music]

[Shelley] Come on!

-[Man] Come here! -[all yelling]

Of course I reported it.

You don't seem too upset.

Should I be?

It was just a broken window.

Nothing was taken.

What?

Oh, God, you obviously didn't realize,

they took your necklace.

My diamond one?

No, the one I got you.

Oh.

Oh!

You, you said it was your special one.

-What was? -The necklace I got you.

Yes, it is my special one.

But it was stuffed in a dusty old drawer.

No, it was stuffed in a special drawer.

A special drawer for special things

that only come out on special occasions.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'm sure the insurance will replace it.

Yeah, it'll be exactly the same. [laughs]

Does it have to be exactly the same?

Um.

[laughs] She didn't like it.

Then why would she put it in her special drawer?

It wasn't a special drawer.

If it wasn't a special drawer,

why would she put special things in it?

[Adam laughing]

Oh, you both seem quite calm.

Uh huh, why, what you on about?

Just thought you'd be freaking out by now.

Why would we be?

It's kind of your fault, isn't it,

with all the arguing and everything.

Vicar, what the hell you talking about?

Oh, right.

Marley watched a film, made some calls

and now she's got a ghost-hunter coming

to get rid of us, tomorrow.

What?

Yeah, like totally out of my realm, that.

[dramatic eerie music]

-[lightning crackling] -[thunder rumbling]

She's coming.

Now you've had it.

-Are we in trouble? -I don't know, maybe.

97% success rate, apparently, at getting rid of...

[dramatic music]

[thunder crashing]

Thank you for coming, Miss Randolph.

You see, they just won't listen to me.

I've tried being reasonable, but--

You want them gone.

I don't want them hurt.

[laughs] Can't guarantee that.

Let's do this work.

-Can she see us? -Maybe, I don't know.

Oh, grow up, of course she can't.

Bloody hell, bit fierce.

[dramatic intense music]

Yeah, I don't mind them popping in every now and again.

I just don't want them living here

Sh, sh, sh, I shall give no quarter, have no mercy.

If they're here I shall find them.

-Oh, she's a bit good. -Oh shut up, she'll hear you.

-Ha! -Oh, now you've done it.

Yeah, well you've only brought this on yourselves.

I mean, if you'd listened to me then we wouldn't be--

What?

No, I'm just talking to the ghosts.

-I don't think so. -Yeah.

Look, they're there.

[woman clearing throat and sighing]

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

She can't see us.

Here I am.

Here, here I am.

No.

No.

No.

-[Adam sighs] -She's having you on.

[Adam] You're being done, Marley.

What do you think, Isabelle, anything?

-Isabelle? -You can't see her?

-No. -But you can see your ghosts.

-They're there. -Here!

-Can't miss us! -On the head, girl.

No, they're not.

What? [laughs]

Well, who's Isabelle?

She's the first ghost I ever caught.

Ah, she's been with me for years.

Sort of great friends now.

She helps me hunt ghosts and we're great friends,

aren't we, Isabelle, yeah.

-You really can't see her? -[sighs] No.

Well, that's a shame, because she's very pretty.

Yes, you are.

You are, yes.

[scoffs] Well, no.

Thank you.

That's very kind, Isabelle.

You are much prettier than me. [laughs]

She's not.

Big girl.

Right, well, Marley, we can't find anything or anyone.

For God's sake!

-Hello? -Woo!

Oh, what?

Isabelle wants to say goodbye.

Oh, right.

Goodbye, Isabelle.

She's not tiny.

Goodbye, Isabelle.

Well, you're being ridiculous now.

Sorry, you didn't say whether she was tall or small,

you just said she was fat.

Oh, well, now you've done it!

You've made her cry.

-Oh. -Is that what you do,

-just upset people? -No, no, no.

Now, the fee?

Right, yes.

Just you haven't actually found anything, so?

Doesn't mean we didn't look, so.

Here!

It's 100 pounds.

Oh, gosh, that's quite a lot of money.

Each.

Wow!

Gosh, I didn't imagine it was going to be--

Wait, you invited Isabelle here to help you,

then you called her fat and made her cry,

and now you're refusing to pay us?

No, no, no.

Yes, Isabelle, she's refusing to pay us.

No, no, no, I'm not.

-I'm not refusing. -Find that and after, yes.

I'll just pop and get my purse.

-Aren't we just? -Yes, thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

She just sat on Isabelle.

[bright upbeat music]

If they were here, Isabelle and I would have seen them.

My advice to you, and I offer it for nothing.

What about Isabelle?

-She might charge. -Shut up, Michael.

What?

No, I'm talking to the ghosts.

No, you're not.

You don't have ghosts, Marley.

Whoever you're talking to, they're not there.

Are you sure?

I'm positive you don't have ghosts.

But you do have, you know, a problem.

[dramatic music]

What?

You okay?

Am I dribbling?

No.

Right, well, I'll have to work on that,

because I'm obviously insane.

Marley, you're not crazy.

Well, I'm talking to you, but you're not here.

She had a ghost that I can't see,

but I can see three ghosts that don't bloody exist,

so if that's not crazy, what is?

I mean, you heard her.

You're in here.

[crying] This is all in my head.

I am obviously insane! [sobbing]

[bright upbeat music]

Morning, Tina.

Sorry.

[paper ripping]

Morning, oh, forget it.

That whole dribbling thing is starting to happen.

Dribbling, yeah, I've been working on that.

Bit of rocking back and forth, you know, mad hair.

-We love you, Marley. -Yeah, and I love you.

I love you, I love you all.

Probably the problem.

You know, St Peter once said--

No, he didn't.

Look, I wish you were here.

I wish I could see ghosts, because I'm, I'm just so lonely.

Starting to drift off at work.

Bound to make mistakes.

They'll get rid of me.

They'll put me somewhere.

We're here, Marley.

No, you're not.

You're not here.

You are in here, which is why I'm sitting here,

wearing Jesus, what am I wearing!

What?

[Marley] This is you.

-What? -That's Shelley, and us.

If someone else can see you, I'm not insane.

You're here.

You're real-ish.

We've got to find who saw you.

-[footsteps clicking] -[gentle music]

So we came running out of the house and we did a right.

-Why? -Why what?

Why were you running?

If some big guy was chasing you, you'd run.

Not if I was dead and no one could see me, I wouldn't.

We're not idiots.

We soon realized that.

We ran up the street, did a left and another right,

then we hid behind a car.

Okay, after a while, we realized that.

So who was watching you?

Who saw you?

-Um. -She was in her front garden.

-Who? -Her.

[bright gentle music]

Hello.

Can you see these men?

Obviously, I recognize these two

from their likenesses provided by the witness,

but they swear blind they did it on their own.

It was just me and him.

I entered the flat and found a number of suspicious items,

watches, televisions, iPads, a pair of earrings.

Oh not all of it was stolen, though.

Got a receipt for the earrings.

They were a present for Shelley's birthday.

-Her birthday? -Yeah.

Then why did I find them stuffed

at the back of a dusty old drawer?

Yes, thank you.

I'll ask the questions.

I thought you said you liked those earrings?

What?

Oh, yeah, love the earrings.

Then what are they doing stuffed

in the back of a dusty old drawer?

No, no, they were stuffed in a special drawer.

A special drawer for special things

that only come out on special occasions.

Oh, special.

Special drawer for special things.

Ha, she obviously hates them.

I can't believe that idiot fell for it.

-Well, you did! -What, no.

-You did, you did. -No!

-You did! -Oh, what, Marley's necklace?

Yeah.

No, because that was a special drawer for special things,

special things that only come out on,

[bright music]

-can't believe I fell for it. -[Adam laughing]

Moving on.

I have a reputation to maintain, a living to make.

All of a sudden, this child is claiming she can see ghosts.

Someone told her she's got a gift.

My clients are leaving me and going to her.

I mean, her mother's placed ads in the papers.

That doesn't justify your behavior

towards a child, Miss Randolph.

Clearly you have rage issues.

I don't have rage.

She has rage.

Two weeks community service and a 300 pound fine.

-300! -Each.

And if Isabelle can't pay, I'm afraid you'll have to.

[sighs] Well, you'll have to pay.

-Nice work, Marley. -Thanks.

Look, I'm sorry, Michael, but it's a disgusting necklace

that no one with any taste would ever want to wear.

-Shelley liked it. -Vince didn't.

Vince is an idiot.

I just can't believe you never liked it.

All these years,

I thought we had an understanding, an affection.

-We do. -Obviously not.

[sighs] Oh Micheal, just because I hate your necklace!

That no-one with any taste would ever want to wear.

-Oh, not helping! -I know.

Michael, I hate your necklace.

I love you.

What about Adam?

Do you love Adam?

I'd like an answer.

Of course I love you, Adam, okay.

-Okay, okay! -Are we okay?

-Yeah, we're okay. -Nice.

-Okay. -Yes, we're good.

-More than him? -Oh!

It's just a question.

She's obviously not answering because she loves me more.

She doesn't she loves me more.

She so loves me more.

-So doesn't. -She so does!

I'm the husband, first love.

I'm the lover, second love.

Yeah, but that's like a sequel.

It's never as good as the first film, is it?

-Godfather II. -Empire Strikes Back.

Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan, Transporter 2.

-Um, um -Terminator.

-Terminator 2, jury's out. -Yeah, yeah, what?

Terminator 2 is much better, I think!

-When he turns into good Arnie -I don't like good Arnie.

I don't like good Arnie.

[Adam] I know, but the other guy's really good.

-Yeah he is. -And then there's

all the witty banter that he has with the kid.

That's awesome.

[Micheal] How do you feel about Alien?

[Marley] I'm really going off you both.

-Oh, God! -What!

[bright upbeat music]

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