Original subtitles

1x10 'Praise be praise'

Transcript by Aimee www.tusseries.com

Synch by Aimee www.tusseries.com

Here's the funny thing about restaurants:

the way you eat in the dinning room,

it isn't exactly the way we eat in the kitchen.

Pretty gruesome, right?

These empobrished parannos are commonly known as waiters.

And it is their priviledge to eat my food for free

so they can better sell it to you.

And the garlic and the ***

does things that garlic has never done before.

It sounds delicious.

And the spinach, is that very creamy?

I have no idea. I wasn't fast enough.

Now this is a typical staff meal,

which some might call cruel and unusual punishment.

But it is made with love.

Chuncky, chuncky bits of love.

You're gonna have to help me with the staff meal,

because I think they found out which part of the cow we're serving.

Good morning, chef!

If they don't like it, they can buy a jar of peanut butter.

So chef, last night I practised my tornedos d'agneau.

That's your solution? - Well, they can bring jelly from home.

Which is primarly composed by, you sure may know, lamb,

c�tes d'agneau, one onion finely chopped.

No, no, no, sliced, finely sliced.

Stupid, stupid.

And we all crave love, don't we?

Yes, sliced.

Love of approval.

That's the greatest hunger of all.

Did Jack talk to you today?

He talked near me.

There you go!

Come on! What did I tell you?

Baby steps.

Jim, you are in my right.

Hang to me that sauce pan.

Do you have any burn cream?

Burn cream?

Yeah, or any ointment?

Ointment? Steven.

One Mississipi, two Mississippi

Let me explain something to you about pain in the kitchen

It doesn't exist,

which is why we don't have any burn cream

or ointment or chafes

or even bums?

Ten Mississippi! We have a new world's record.

Your skin! I can smell it!

Table 8 sent back this special. Says it's undercooked.

Do not worry, chef. I will just throw it back...

...on the pan for you. - What are you thinking, Jim?

You know what they say, "the costumer's always right".

You know what? No.

This dish 20 out of 30 in the Zagat guide. You wanna know why?

Because I know what I'm doing.

So she gets it the way I made it.

And as of now, no more send backs at Nolita!

Yeah, you're my hero.

Bold. I like it.

Also waitresses. Topless Tuesdays?

No, no. I think it's great you wouldn't cook it for over 2 seconds.

Sure! All I got was a 3% tip on a party of 8,

but you stucked to your guns,

whereas I must continue to live with my mother.

You're thinking small, Cameron.

No send backs are great for business.

People respond to confidence.

Hold this.

Ok.

I couldn't help but notice there's a beautiful woman looking at me

and I was just wondering if you knew her name.

She's directly behind you.

Has that ever worked?

Once, but she didn't speak English.

I'm Jack. - Jack Bourdain.

You're not gonna give me a subpoena, are you?

I've eaten at your restaurant before, Jack

And that New York Times review was right.

Your food is incredible.

Stop it! Now you're just being accurate.

God! Sometimes I think you chefs should just be able

to walk through his dinning room and tell to certain people

they don't deserve the food they're about to eat, no matter how much they're willing to pay.

Ok, you may be the single most brilliant woman that I've ever met.

I'll tell you something I don't know anything about.

What's that? - Knives.

Just wish there was someone who could help me...

Okay, you see,

this is an example of less is more,

Ok? All you really need is one good strong...

Okay, what's this?

I came here to talk about knives.

So,

I heard there was a bit of a hook-up at the Snake Pit last night.

I don't like to kiss and tell. It's not me.

So, the word is getting out, huh?

Oh, it's out. It's way out.

Wait, what do you mean "way out"?

Like how far? - You don't know who this person is, do you?

I think I know a little better than you do.

So you know abour her website chefhunter.net

chefhunter.net?

Yeah, where she rates New York chefs.

Chefs? She rates chefs?

In the sack.

In the sack?

Service? Presentation?

Yeah, it's on a scale of 30.

You know, it's like her own version of the Zagat guide

Okay, well that's just wrong. Because I didn't consent to that.

I wasn't a willing participant in that. I didn't do... What I get?

22.

22? Who the...? 22?

How was she even taking notes?

I happen to know her hands weren't available for notes, okay?

God, this is like it's in real time!

Okay, you know what? 22 is pretty good.

Yeah, absolutely. Scrawl down.

Jean Georges got a 28? - Now that's extraordinary!

Keep reading, keep reading.

There's a Noah for Noah's Bagels?

27.

You know there's an everything bagel?

Did you read the summary? - Yes, I did!

How do I turn this off? - Wait, wait!

"Jack Bourdain offers a service of rendition

of an experience we've all had many many times".

Jack, I think that would make you a send back.

Who even uses the Internet?

Here's the thing about reviews:

you can't believe the good ones,

because if you believe the good ones, then you gotta believe the bad ones too.

Now, the problem is, we all believe the good ones.

Okay, I want whoever did this to come forward.

No, not because it's about me, because it's unprofessional

and it was covering the credit card sign.

Yeah, people with credit cards would just walk...

Okay, who's laughing? 'Cause laughing is also unprofessional!

All you guys think about that.

Amateurs!

You can't believe every review, Jack. I mean, I do,

but then again I've never been given anything less than spectacular.

No, no, I get it. It's funny, it's funny. It's my laugh with it.

I know, I just slept with a crazy woman.

I won't be doing that again even if she begged me.

Why would she beg you? The beg guy beat you by five.

Guilty.

I came in early and organized everybody's meeze and plus

and sharpened everybody's knives.

There's no need to thank me.

You sleazed my meeze?

You never touch a person's meeze.

Never.

Why are you leaving?

You know? I know change can be scary...

Get him! - Get him!

Not cool!

Nobody panic! Just a little pepper in the eye.

Who would you rather do? Gwyneth Paltrow or Kate Hudson?

Kate.

Can't moan Gwyneth Paltrow. - You moan the last name?

Dude, I'm usually alone.

Queen Elisabeth or Barbara Bush? - Queen Elisabeth.

Woman who wears a crown up for anything.

So we're playing that game, are we?

Let's make it interesting.

If you had to do one guy in the kitchen, who would you do?

Alright, desert island, gun to your head.

Hypothetically, just purely hypothetically,

I'd have to say Jack. For political reasons.

A kiss-ass. One point for Jack.

Don't expect a call the next day.

No, I am not playing.

What's the matter, pastry boy?

So insecure about your manhood you can't play a little game?

Fine.

Steven. He's been to boarding school and I think he'd be sensitive.

Jack. Rodrigo?

Steven. - Jack!

Enzo. - Enzo.

Okay, who hasn't voted yet?

This can't be right. I didn't get a single vote.

And you're hurt. - Of course not!

It's hypothetical, okay?

But if anybody wants to change his vote, now is the time.

Ok, fine. Who cares?

Oh, come on!

He smells like fish. I smell like sugar.

She's moving!

Here's why.

You were exhausted, you had a long night, you were in a strange bed.

You can't be expected to bring your A game.

Everyone on this bar saw her website, didn't they?

Only the people who are staring at you.

I could use a drink.

Hey, you know what's sexy? - What?

A man who can just move on.

Sexy.

The problem with reviews, specially bad ones,

is that they take a life of their own. Your life.

Sure people respond to condifence.

The trouble is, they can also smell desperation.

I've got to take this call.

I have an audition first thing in the morning.

My ride is leaving. - Good!

Because guess what,

I didn't want to sleep with you anyway!

All I'm trying to say is this: I come from money.

You're gonna need it. - What does that mean?

What is this?

Tim made the staff meal and he saved you a plate.

Oh, you know, I'm just stepping up, helping out.

Is that saffron? - Yes!

I knew you would appreciate it.

You have the best mouth in the business.

That's not what I meant.

You know, Saffron costs $40 dollars an ounce.

And what's this pink thing that looks a lot like my $25 a pound caperated salmon?

It's caperated salmon, Jack. - And it was delicious!

I don't know. Maybe has a little too much saffron for my taste.

Take that back. It was perfect. It was the perfect amount of saffron.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to show a little initiative.

I don't need you to show a little initiative. Here's what I need.

I need to be able to ignore you. 'Cause when I can ignore you,

like really trully ignore you,

then you're gonna know that you're not totally expendible.

Jack! - What now?

Table 4 sent this back. Apparently it's a little undercooked.

What did I tell you?

What's our policy on send-backs? - No send-backs!

Well, considering you recent humiliation,

I think you'd be a little less arrogant.

Oh, not a chance. Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

Look, I think it's him. The one we read about.

So you read about me, huh? Let me tell you something, okay?

Don't believe everything you read, cause a review is a review.

It's one person's opinion.

And the woman who wrote it happens to be lousy in bed. And insane.

But the New York Times' review is the reason we came.

Let me get chef Bourdain.

He's just in the bathroom. Tricky lock.

No booze, no drugs...

Thank God you can't get addicted to those.

You okay? - Never better.

There are 2 things I used to do with such confidence.

Huh, they both end in "k".

Two thing I used to do with such confidence and they both ended in... jail.

I was so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

What a terrible loss.

I almost forgot! I made something for your grandfather.

Thank you.

Nothing much. Just a tarte tatin.

Yeah, you might just want to have it heat it up 15 minutes before

and then serve it with a hazelnut ice cream.

Or you can just shove it in your mouth right now with your finger. Really...

doesn't matter.

So, gun to my head?

Gun to your head.

Steven. - What?

He looks like he can change a tire.

That's delicious, Jack. - Thank you.

Really.

You're a great cook. - Thank you.

And you're funny.

And sex is overrated, 'cause as people age,

they pleasure each other with laughter.

I'm gonna need you to leave the kitchen.

Okay, on the onset let me just say I'm sorry.

Things weren't as hot or as fresh as they should have been, okay?

And we would really like another chance to serve you.

Okay, well I'm sorry, but you don't get seconds.

It's against the rules.

Yeah, but they're your rules.

The rules are a part of a system.

Yeah, the system that you invented. - The system is bigger than the both of us.

You're enjoying this, aren't you? - A little.

And they both end in"k", don't they?

And they're certainly the only addictions that I'm still allowed.

And I'm probably also a little obsessed and compulsive.

Yeah, you actually told me that. - See what I mean?

Okay, enough with this petty party. Play to your strength.

You know what?

Let me cook for you.

Jack, I don't know.

No, come on, come on.

You gotta let me leave this appartment just once knowing I've satistied you.

So, he says mommy and daddy won't be living together anymore

but I'll still see you on the weekends.

And?

Apparently there hasn't been a weekend in 17 years.

Yeah, whatever, let's get this back on track!

See if this helps.

Oh, my God.

So I punched him. And then I find out he's a cop!

Oh, okay, but when he is using my cocaine, he's "Paul", you know?

I know, I'm a genious, right?

Yeah, so she says, "Well, you've got pretty hair."

Yeah, thanks, mom.

Screw her!

Come on, she's probably just jealous.

I mean, look at you.

And Jack is back.

That was the best sex I ever had.

Yeah?

So, it's gonna be like, the 30?

Oh, gosh, I can't assign a numeration like that.

And that would demean the whole experience and you.

Oh, God! Demean me, really! I'm fine with it.

What made it so incredible was how intimate it felt

and I don't wanna ruin that. - I don't wanna ruin it.

I wanna celebrate it.

It's a perfect moment, it was perfect. It was like 30 out of 30?

'Cause I'm taking your silence to me as 30.

Jack, I'm not gonna write about it.

No, of course not. I wouldn't want you to.

Who would? Animal, that's who.

I'm going to jump into the shower.

You go do that.

I'm just going to lay back and take it the day.

Hey, cherry feels so good, doesn't it? - Yeah, it's great!

What's your password?

The truth is we all hunger for approval.

So when in doubt, try a little tenderness.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in here.

I tried to do it all my chores before you get in so they don't bug you.

You know what? I haven't noticed you in a couple of days.

Good job. - Really?

You were able to ignore me? - Totally invisible.

I've been ignored by Jack Bourdain!

Sweet! You know, a couple of dishwashers

were telling me that they thought you were totally ignoring me

but I didn't allow myself to believe them. - No, I was. Here.

My mentor at the institute gave that to me.

Now it's yours.

Thank you.

Not the paring knife story!

Mentor's knife? He gave it to me 6 years ago.

And to me 4 years ago.

Well, it's good thing his mentor had a lot of paring knives, huh?

I heard about your game

and I just wanted to let you know that if I had to choose,

I would pick you.

You hear that, you losers?

Cameron, a real homosexual,

wants to have sex with me.

That's right,

a man who has sex with other men chose me!

I win! I am the winner!

Hi, Tanya.

Hi.

Congratulations?

I come from money.

Hey, man, here you go.

It's $40 Bluegill over here.

Oh, I get it.

Feed the homeless drunk a piece of uncooked fish

with the potatoes and the leeks all runny together.

I live in a subway grave so presentation becomes unimportant?

I used to be a gym teacher!