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Kitchen Confidential 105 You Lose, I Win

Transcipt:Abby_e Synchro: Sixe

Every chef knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Cause if you don't have that full force caffeine, nicotine buzz going,

there is no way that you're gonna be able to tame the CAOS

that reigns in the back of the house!

Ok. The night order didn't clean the grill,

the blender's broken,

and someone crammed my locker full of Spanish pornography again.

- I'll look into it... - Thank you!

- Jack, Jack Jack... - Yeah?

Jack, three waiters called in sick,

some kind of explosive intestinal-

They think I don't know Shakira's in town? Tell 'em I want'em here yesterday.

Major crisis! See page six.

"Bordane snubs stunning starlet", translate that for me .

The fabulous Lindsay Lohan was here last night and, you refused

to leave the kitchen to say hello.

Or so says the post, which I trust implicitly.

Hey I can't be everywhere at once.

Hey I didn't even know she was here last night.

Hey Jack! Lindsay Lohan wants to say hel-

Not about the food, GET OUT!

Cameron, I was cooking for 180 people. I can't be everywhere at once.

I'm not the master of time space and dimension.

If I may... your fans are your power base.

You have to stroke your base.

Ok, I'm not gonna embrace that metaphor.

Well, you will get a second chance to kiss miss Lohan's ass when

she returns, for her dog.

I'm here to cook, not kiss ass!

Jack! Pino's on line 1.

Look, kissing ass is part of the job.

We're hot right now, it's expected of us.

I was expected to be at my own wedding,

but guess what, where was I? In your kitchen.

- When was this now? - Don't make this about me.

The point is, you need to be in the kitchen.

You know I'll be happy to pick up the work for you Jaaack.

People don't like you as much as you think. Move!

Look! This came down from the prince of darkness.

It's happening.

Don't worry, I put somebody in charge.

In which case I humbly and gratefully accept.

Hey!

Guys this is Becky. We went to culinary school together.

She'll be covering for me.

I...but you're a...she's a-

Yes. I pee sitting down. Get over it.

Wai-wai wait. Becky Sharp? From Becky's on 4th?

I love that place!

Well thank you! And I love your scarf!

Really brings out your vagina!

How com I've never thought of that before?

That's funny.

How can SHE be above me?

- You think she's good enough? - Yes. Why we whispering?

Because they can hear everything!

She's a top flight chef Steven.

She ran her own restaurant.

I don't care if she's a world class balloonist

who can whistle London bridge is falling down out of her ass!

This should've been mine!

Hey you're preaching to the choir buddy.

Oh, what? Pino doesn't trust me?

Why would he? You stole his vicodin.

We don't need another chef.

Yes we do. We're getting slammed ok?

And I'm just giving her this kind of work. You're still my go to guy.

You're my right hand man. You're the Sundance to my Butch.

Oh good. So I'm actually in charge.

No.

What has she ever done that's so great?

Run a failed restaurant? She probably can't even cook!

Look, her vagina insult cut me to the quick,

but her crumb cake WAS like a cloud form heaven!

Yeah but it is cake. I mean who needs cake?

It's not exactly the pillar of a meal.

Are you implying that your fish is more important than my cake?

Not implying it. I'm stating it. It's fact.

Really?

Ever heard of a birthday fish?

No. Dad ever take you on a Caking Trip?

Oh, no he didn't!

Just tell miss Lohan that I have her dog.

No, no no no I mistook her.

I am a fan though.

I love her in-Hello? Hello?

Snazzy!

The bar stool was not put there for your pleasure.

There's a Jessica on line 1. She says that she's an old friend.

Oh no! Not Lame Jessica!

She just said Jessica.

Hello?

Guess who's in town?!

Hey you...

ME!

Ok, I'm heading out there.

You know if you need anything, if there's a crisis, if you have any questions-

Jack you're 11 feet away! Don't worry I can handles these animals.

That's what she thinks.

I heard that.

She is like a flipping bat.

Now go be pretty.

Go, go!

We're fine, really.

Waste of time! Ok, let's get this over with quickly. Where do I start?

Actually table 8 just sent compliments to the chef.

Gotta do what I gotta do!

Everyone enjoying themselves tonight?

Every chef will tell you that he feels out of place

if he's not sweating over a hot stove.

But the truth is,

you can get used to the sweet life out front pretty damn quickly.

I've just always had this real need to please people with food.

I just think it's like-ah! gift that I have.

I got it with God maybe.

Hey, if your father calls,

tell'im that I'm working the floor like he asked.

Yeah you're really taking one for the team.

Actually I'm shooting for two.

I'm kidding, No I'm not.

This table needs a complementary everything.

Hey get your heads out of your asses!

We got 2 **, one torn crab and fire the sweet breads.

Ooopssa daisy!

Sorry seems I got a little enthusiastic with the coulis.

Well, whilst you're licking things...

Make it again!

Got your back bro!

What the hell was that?

It's called "The Shocker".

Any of you tools try and touch me again and you're gonna get one of your own.

I'm used to being the only woman in the kitchen.

So back off, or bend over.

Raise your hand if you've got a semi right now.

Semi what?

You don't actually like that thing do you?

No I know! I so wish I didn't cause it

so fits into the stereotype, but the truth is,

this poofy little dog has won my heart!

I love you.

You guys, when my friend Jessica shows up tomorrow, please be gentle, ok?

What's wrong with her?

Does she wear the big shoe?

She's not a freak ok? She's...just a bit of an outcast.

You know, could never get a boyfriend...

She was kind alike my project.

My mascot. I tried to teach her how to be cool.

Mimi was cool?

She must have peeked early.

I know-I just don't understand why-

No that's close. But unless you use your thumb it's not technically a shocker.

Ok, let's talk about something important!

Can we all agree that we prefer Cake over Fish?

Two words: Moby, Dick!

Four more: NOT ABOUT A CAKE!

Jessica Alba gets naked on your couch.

Do you cover her in chocolate frosting,

or pickled haring?!

Haring! You're making my point for me!

A day's pay says I sell more cake tomorrow night,

than you sell fish!

Bring it cupcake!

Why'd you guys split? You couldn't wait 15 minutes

for me to finish my creme brulee with Loraine Broco?

Oh don't worry you didn't miss anything, mister Softy!

So you told them that story ?

And now we can come to mister Bordane's Foie Gras Terrine.

This doesn't belong in a plate! It belongs in a bed pan!

SHAME ON YOU MISTER SOFTY!

Massive indignity!

I'm so glad Becky is here to resurrect stories

that I tried to block out with years of drugs and alcohol.

I have this wallet, Seth Richman.

- So I guess the next turns on me! - Dude!

- I don't know you guys I'm pretty beat. - What?

Let's call it a night guys.

Or, we could drink through it.

Drinking through it!

Becky!

You were in fine from last night.

How many did you have after I left?

Oh I stopped counting after Steven passed out.

Tequila!

Yeah! I went for a long run, but I guess I didn't sweat it all out.

Look at you, drinking all night, running all morning.

I'm surprised you even have time to get some.

Actually I gave myself a little present around mile 5.

A cop asked me what I was doing, I said I was looking for my car keys.

You see, that's what I miss, the little car keys looking belly dancer.

Oh I'm so glad your restaurant **

so you can work for me!

I feel like a pig pooped in my head!

This woman brought me to my knees,

and I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around.

There's the chicken. Feed it! You love it!

You taught he feed the chicken?

If you'd been there last night you'd understand.

What's that?

Hey Jack! I was looking for the hanger steaks for, tonight's special.

Did the delivery guy stiff you?

The hanger steaks?

Too busy hanging around with celebrities to order the steaks?

He's changed.

Part of being a successful leader is having

the ability to admit your mistakes.

I didn't forget to order the steaks!

I purposely didn't order the steaks cause you know what?

This isn't a steak house Steven.

Is it too much to expect a little creativity?

I can do an amazing short ribs rioja.

You see? Always focused on her job.

Actually it's still my job. Temporarily her job.

The point is she's focused! Which is good!

Because I can't work the front of the house and watch your back.

That was clever front back!

I'm awesome! And I'm out!

Ok light weight. Are you ok to take over the scawp?

Listen,never had trouble putting my hand up a bird.

That's a good place.

Hey Cameron! Cameron!

What'I tell you bout this dog?

Snazzy! There you are!

Oh my God! He's adorable!

You like him? We'll put him in a doggy bag for ya.

He's joking!

Am I?

Yes! Funny! Funny!

Take care of it!

Celebrity dog! Yes yes I know!

Mims!!

Oh! Jes-Jessica!

Look at you!

Mimi, this is Kyle.

- Pleasure to meet you. - Kyle!

And you two know each other how?

He's my boyfriend isn't that crazy!?

Boyfriend, really?

Well, this is my chef.

Are you two...

- Oh God no! - All day long.

- No no no - She's crazy...

- Can't get enough of this girl. - Oh stop!

He just works for my father.

Like you!

She's funny. Enjoy your meal. Baby-

- Don't ever touch me! - See ya.

Tania, what don't we sit them in Donna's section?

- Donna's got a great section. - It's true.

Mims! Don't be turd! We want you to wait on us!

It'll be so much more fun!

- Fun! - Right?

- Well... - Follow me.

Hang on a second.

Tonight's a really big night for me and JessJess.

- Really? - Yeah.

JessJess.

Can you keep a secret?

And he's rich too.

I've never seen anything that big!

Hey! It's not like I haven't offered.

My plane socially awkward friend is about

to marry the best looking guy I've ever seen!

Good for her! Really!

- Can I try this on? - No.

Seth I got an engagement. Can you make me something

frosted and shove that in there somewhere?

Momentous occasion and they want cake!

Of course maybe they'll come to you for a wedding fish.

If we were in Norway they would.

If I hear one more word about Norway.

In Norway, the fish is a Demi-God.

That's a flash. Right?

I'm so flattered. Crazy right?

Too bad you two are married.

- It's ok my husband likes to watch. - So do I.

You are naughty!

Table six, table six would like to meet you.

Lock you girls up!

Thank you so much, Oh my god! That was getting a little uncomfortable.

Just you wait.

We are HUGE HUGE fans!

Well that's obvious. The fan part.

Well, this is all you.

That's a lotta me!

What do you mean they turned down desert?

Drunk ladies do NOT turn down desert!

What do you want from me? They're full!

2 more salmon baby.

I saw that!

You're pushing the fish!

They're full of fish!

This is kick back situation.

Screw what they order. If you two wussies want to

find out what people prefer,

just compare what they leave on their plates.

Looser eats both piles!

Hope your toilet can take a punch.

It's been known to.

- Has it... - Often...

So, how'd you two meet?

Well, we were both-

Oh Ky Ky! Don't talk about romance!

Mims doesn't have anybody.

I'll check on your entrees.

Try it on, wear it around, shove it in the dog!

I don't care!

Geez!

I'm really grateful for the opportunity guys,

but I can't really endorse anything that I haven't

had a hand in personally making.

Frozen foods! Cookware! A chain of restaurants!

Were you sitting on that sauce pan?

No, but you are sitting on a gold mine!

You! We wanna be in the Jack Bordane bussiness!

You guys this is so flaterring and horrifying, and

I don't know what to say!

Just say yes!

Anyway I gotta get back to the kitchen.

Screw the kitchen! You're too good for the kitchen!

You're not in the kitchen now, the food's great!

Don't let'im out.

Let him out? I can't get out.

Oh, watch this!

What are you doing with that?

Finishing it! You know you try to help somebody

when you're on top and they got nothing.

You know where it gets you?

Nowhere! You open doors for them, you sing their praises,

you get your friends to accept them!

And then you end up with nothing!

Nothing!

Why is your face on an oven mitt?

Cake, cake.

Mimi wait.

I really need to thank you.

Oh Jessica.

I didn't do anything except bring out the person you already were.

Oh! No- I- For getting us a reservation.

And for being such a good waitress!

Right! Waitress, thanks!

Listen, Mimi, Ky KY has a friend. He's very nice.

His hair looks real.

And most of it is.

And in some lights he's just flat out handsome.

Surprise!

You're getting engaged!

- What? - Yes!

As soon as Ky Ky gets back from the cancan.

Excuse me everyone! JessJess here is about to get engaged!

Hey! What just happened?

No! I'm not done dreaming!

I wanted this to be romantic!

Now it's romantic!

I just wanted to tell you these short ribs are fantastic!

The best thing we've ever had here!

Oh, seriously?

Ever!

Of course they are.

Recipie for resentment:

take one part vanity,

one part arrogance,

fold in an unbelievably talented old friend,

and bring to a rapid boil.

Let me get ridd of this for ya.

But-I-

Two patriants just told me these short ribs are inedible.

What?

Getting it from all sides Becks.

People are pulling me from table to table.

They're asking me, why am I serving this?

I need 4 more short ribs! These things are selling themselves.

Cameron, we're having a meeting here!

Well, I don't know what to say. I mean everyone tasted it.

This sort of thing can kill us.

We're just lucky Pino's not here tonight.

New special!

Ok, triage right now!

I'm doing a sweet corn and scallop risotto, with the scallops.

Jim start husking. Steven I want you to grab the embrorio.

Becky!

I'm crying ok?

Don't tell the guys.

Look, maybe I was a little hard on you.

No, I deserved it. I screed up.

You know, you gave me a chance, and a blew it.

I suck!

You made one mistake. You're still a good chef.

Well I'm not as good as you.

I never will be.

And there's a part of me that would love to see you fail.

And I hate myself for that.

None of us are saints. Nobody's a saint.

There're no saints here.

- Look Becky- - I made you Mister Softy!

- Wait! What? - I sabotaged your senior project.

I'm sorry?

I poured peanut oil into your terrine.

- You did what now? - What are you stupid?

Ok I made you look bad so that I could look good.

What the hell kind of person does that?!

That was my exam terrine!

I'll get my things.

Wait! Don't!

Look...

We've all done despicable things.

Horrible, despicable,

underhanded things.

And I for one am...

willing to forgive you.

So now are you ready to go back in on the line?

Yeah...they really hated the short ribs huh?

Swing and a miss. What can you do?

We're finally about to see what reigns supreme fish or cake,

Teddy get ready to cry!

Seth get ready to eat baby!

Great!

Now we gotta do this all over again.

Steven is a dog supposed to shake like that?

Miss Lohan thanks you.

A muffin basket will be forthcoming.

Oh like THAT means anything to anyone!

Give him the dog Cameron.

Quickly.

Goodbye my friend.

You do know her short ribs were brilliant?

Keep that under your hat Sundance.

Ok.

I've never even seen that movie.

- Which one? - Butch and Sundance.

- You're the good looking one. - Oh yeah? How good looking?

Better looking that me.

Snazzy! What have they been feeding you?

Oh my God! Oh! Nasty!

I'm very grateful for the opportunity ,

but I can't really endorse anything that I haven't had a hand in making myself.

Where did that come from?

Been here the whole time.

Oh, why, why is it warm?

Just taste it.

If it's a no it's a no, we walk away friends.

- Yeah friends. - Yeah friends.