Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

I'm proud of us.

Raising money for the Seaford Club for Boys

shows that we have maturity.

- And we are classy. - Yeah.

- How much we got in the fart jar? - Yeah!

Whoo! We made a lot of money by making people

put a dollar in the jar every time they ripped one.

Wait, what?

I've been paying a dollar to fart in the jar.

(wind hissing)

- Ah! - Oh, my eyes are burning!

Guys?

I've got big news.

Your mother started dressing you again?

Yes.

And I'm buying a boat!

Boom!

Picture us out on the boat

going over the waves, up and down,

up and down, up and down,

up and... (vomits)

Why did you take me out on such a windy day?

All I need is another 1,000 bucks and it's mine!

Guys, I just counted it. We have $1,100.

Ooh, thank you.

Hey!

We promised that money to the Seaford Club for Boys.

It's an after-school hang-out for troubled kids.

Yeah, we're buying them all-new furniture for their rec room. They don't have any.

You guys need $1,000 for furniture?

(scoffs) For a hundred dollars,

I can get you some beautiful stuff.

My cousin owns the largest Hachmachistan furniture store

in all of California.

Wait, your cousin is Furniture Frank?

Oh, I love his commercials! That guy's crazy.

People tell me that my prices are so low that I'm crazy!

But if I was crazy,

would I do this?

(screaming)

I'm eating my beard!

(screaming)

Eating his beard like that helps him sell furniture?

Oh, no, he's actually crazy.

Well, this is perfect.

The delinquents get their furniture and I get my boat.

(whistling)

- Uh, Joan, that's a $100 bill. - Yeah, do you need change for that?

No.

Just did some crop dustin'.

What's crop dust...

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, whoa!

Oh! (retches)

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Won't you come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

(upbeat music)

I was this close

to landing in a club for delinquent boys myself.

Really? What'd you do?

I walked my dog and I didn't pick up after him.

I felt so guilty

I went back the next day, but it was too late.

There was already a footprint in it.

And it was the footprint of a baby!

Guys, it was an honor to donate this furniture.

See, we would've come last Tuesday when it was delivered,

but we were on a boat, tubin'.

For charity.

Uh, see, there's this group called, uh...

- Tubing for Tots. - Tots.

Yeah, we tube for tots that can't tube for themselves.

Mm.

Uh, I'd like to say a few words. (chuckles)

Although this is a club for delinquent boys,

let our selfless generosity

be a beacon of light in your empty lives.

Dude, our lives aren't empty.

See, already making a difference.

Buh-bye.

- Oh! - (thuds)

Dude! Look what you did to our beautiful chair, man.

You broke it!

That thing cost us, like, 20... hundred bucks.

I didn't do anything, man.

This thing's got termites crawling out of it.

Oh, boo-hoo.

One chair out of all the furniture we gave you has termites.

- Oh! - (thuds)

(clattering)

Oh, boo-hoo, every single piece of furniture

we gave you has termites.

Guys, we have got to hurry. Let's get this furniture out of here

before the termites spread to the rest of the house.

Oh, relax, that's never going to happen, Jack.

(clattering)

Out of my way! Senseis and boat owners first!

(upbeat music)

Rudy, dude, we got the estimate to repair the Boys' Club.

- (sighs, groans) - And here's the bill to fumigate.

Oh. This one should be a little better.

I mean, how much can it cost to kill a couple of bu...

Kill a couple of bu...

- Rudy, it's gonna be all right. - No, it's not, man.

It's gonna take us years to raise this kind of money.

Well, we don't have years.

If the money's not in place by midnight tomorrow,

the city's going to condemn the building and auction off the property.

Oh, problem solved. Thank you, city.

Rudy!

Well, I'm sure it's going to work out for 'em.

There's thousands of places for them to go after school.

Sorry, guys, there's absolutely no place for them to go after school.

You don't bring delinquents into your home.

- You can't trust 'em. - Well...

Shoo! Shoo!

Rudy, Rudy, you can't do that, man.

You're right. They might try to steal the broom.

Rudy, I think you're overreacting.

No, I am not!

I remember the delinquent from my school. Don't ask me how,

but he was always running around the school

blowing up toilets. You couldn't trust him.

Oh, yeah, and you think these kids are like him?

(toilet explodes)

Yes. Yes, I do.

We've gotta get these kids out of here. They're gonna destroy this place.

Well, if we don't raise the money to fix their club,

they're gonna be here all the time.

How are we gonna raise $13,000?

What are we gonna do? We gonna do a bake sale?

A carwash? Telethon?

Ooh, actually, a telethon could work.

Yeah, we could air it on public-access TV.

I can't think with all your yapping!

I could get rock star Izzy Gunnar and some of his famous friends to perform.

Aw, that would get people to donate!

And then we'll get all the money we need!

I've got it! We're having a telethon.

(explosion)

Let's work fast, everybody. We're down to one stall!

Go!

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

(pins rattle)

I wish Rudy didn't make us watch these kids.

They've been messing with me all day.

Ah.

Look at this.

Maybe it wasn't them.

Hey, Phil, have you been putting worms in your hot dogs?

Of course not.

You know how expensive worms are?

Okay, maybe it was them.

Look, bro, the only reason why they're messing with you

is because you expect the worst out of them.

And that's what they're going to give you.

See, whereas I treat them with respect and kindness...

Here's your ball, sir.

...and that's what I get back.

Thanks, little buddy.

Hey, uh, why do you have quick-dry cement?

(screaming)

- No reason. - (both laugh)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Seaford Club for Boys Telethon!

And here's your host, Rudy Gillespie!

Thank you! Thank you very much.

Tonight we're here for a good cause.

To help some troubled boys.

Can we bring the lights down just a little bit?

(switch clicks)

Up a little bit?

Every year,

millions of troubled boys

lose their clubs to termite-infested furniture.

Don't look that up. It's super true.

But tonight, me, Izzy Gunnar, and a few of his celebrity friends

are going to raise $13,000

to save the Seaford Club for Boys.

And how are we going to do it?

(piano playing)

♪ A little song, a little dance ♪

♪ A little seltzer down my pants... ♪

- (hissing) - Hoo, that's cold.

♪ Tell your friends, tell your family ♪

♪ Telephone us now Give us your money... ♪

(phone rings)

Ooh, I wonder who this could be. (chuckles)

A hundred-dollar donation?

Thanks, real person!

♪ Tell everyone that it's finally on! ♪

♪ It's time for The Seaford Club for Boys ♪

♪ Full of delinquent kids Who have a termite infestation ♪

♪ Telethon! ♪

♪ With me, Rudy! ♪ (exhales)

(tepid applause)

All right, let's see how much my opening number brought in.

What do we got, Phil?

♪ Your friends did not call Or your family ♪

♪ No one telephoned, we got no money ♪

Phil!

All right, and now the moment you've all been waiting for.

(drumroll)

Please welcome my celebrity friends!

My celebrity friends!

(drumroll)

- Celebrity friends! - (drumroll)

Izzy called.

He and all his friends are stuck in the airport in Chicago.

They're not coming.

♪ Tell your friends, tell your family ♪

♪ Telephone us now, give us your money! ♪

(Rudy crying)

We're in so much trouble.

(upbeat music)

We have 50 minutes to raise $13,000 and we've got no acts.

You do realize this means the delinquents will be at my dojo every day.

What are we going to do?

We're going to rally together and get through this.

We don't need celebrities.

We've got tons of talent right here in our own backyard.

(piano playing)

What?

This song goes out to a special guy named Gary.

So if you're a special guy named Gary,

give me a call. I'd love to meet you.

You don't even have to be special or even named Gary.

Any man with a phone will do.

Wow, Johnny,

that's some really nice tinkling, huh?

(chuckling)

Now let's give the people what they paid for, huh?

(piano music playing)

- (scrapes) - (piano music stops)

(thuds)

(laughs)

Ooh.

Oh.

(thuds)

- Isn't she something? - (piano stops)

That is Joan Malone!

(scattered applause)

All right, uh, let's check our big tote board.

We had 15 before that last act,

and now we have...

Eight?

How did we lose seven dollars?

A guy named Gary called. He wanted his money back.

♪ Kickin' it with you ♪

- Hup! - Ha!

- Hup! - Yah!

- Hup! - Ha!

All right, guys. Great job. Keep up the work.

Uh, dude, why do you have two bowling balls?

Oh, I glued this one to my other hand to balance me out.

You know, without it, I just kept walking in circles.

Yo, you're actually doing karate with these monsters?

Dude, they're not monsters.

I saw something in them that you didn't see.

If you channel their energy in a constructive way,

they're too preoccupied to get into trouble.

They're actually really great kids.

Sorry about the bowling ball.

If we just found a way to channel our energy

in a constructive way,

we'd be too preoccupied to get into trouble.

- Yeah, we're actually great kids. - Yeah.

Hey, guys, let's hit this rock wall you wanted to try.

So it's really simple.

You just got to pick a grip and climb your way up.

Jack: Okay.

(grunts)

Now it gets a little trickier once you get near the top

because... Whoa!

That doesn't usually happen.

Whoa!

You guys loosened the grips, didn't you?

Both: Uh-huh.

- So that means that I'm gonna-- - Uh-huh.

Whoa!

(groans)

Get back! Get back.

I'm never letting you guys mess with me again.

Dude, hold that thought.

You've got a giant mosquito on your forehead.

Wait, what? Where?

Did I get it?

(upbeat music)

We have 37 minutes and we've only raised $16.

And that was from a guy who called begging us to end the telethon.

We can still pull this together.

(mocking grunt) Sure we can, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. Why don't we just have Phil

stick his hand up some dumb doll

and try to pass himself off as a ventriloquist?

Oh, hello, Herbert.

Why don't you tell these nice people something about yourself?

No!

Come on, Herbert. You promised to be nice today.

And you promised to stop dancing in front of me in your underpants.

Hey, Herbert, come on, man. That was only one time.

One time was all it took.

Now every time I close my eyes,

I see it all over again.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Okay, stop it.

No, you stop it.

Now you better stop... Ow! He bit me.

There's more where that came from!

(screams) Oh, no!

No, no, no!

(laughing) Dummies.

Run into the dojo, have Jack put on a show gi.

He can come over here, do one of those karate demos to music.

People love that stuff.

Or I could put on my star-spangled outfit

and do a high-spirited, patriotic tap routine

that will bring down the house.

- Ah, I didn't think of that. - Huh?

Go get Jack!

(upbeat music)

And now another hilarious joke

from these Popsicles.

- (rustles) - (panting)

(stutters) What do you call...

two... (mumbles)

...witches who live together?

I guess I'll just eat it to get to the punch line.

(chuckles) "Broom..."

Sorry, folks. Another brain freeze.

(whirs)

(stutters) "Broommates"!

Nothin'?

Really?

Rudy, I brought Jack.

Great, where is he?

What happened?

Walt and Jesse are what happened.

They've been terrorizing us all day.

Rudy, there's only one thing we can do.

(Velcro ripping)

Tap!

(drumbeat)

("Yankee Doodle Dandy" playing)

(feet tapping)

I don't believe it. We're making money!

(thuds)

(music stops)

What is wrong with you two?

We're trying to save your club.

No, you're not. We heard what you said in the dojo.

The only reason why you're trying to save the club

is to get rid of us "delinquents."

Yeah, you don't even care about us.

(Jerry gasps)

How dare you?

- I farted in a jar for you! - (thuds)

Yeah, and we gave you furniture.

Cheap furniture full of termites.

Well, we needed the extra money for the boat.

We thought you were different.

I mean, you're a sensei. You care about these guys.

We thought you'd care about us too.

But you're just like everybody else.

(whispers)

Hey, everyone, can I have your attention?

(piano music plays)

The whole reason we're holding this telethon

is to save the Seaford Club for Boys.

And two of those boys are with us tonight.

Are they bad kids?

Oh, yeah, they're bad.

- The worst! These kids are like-- - Rudy.

But it doesn't matter.

We made a commitment.

And when you set out to do something good for someone,

you do it, you follow through.

And you don't buy yourself a really nice boat just to get ladies.

And that's why anyone who donates $10 right now

will be entered in a raffle to win this boat.

It floats in water!

(phones ringing)

Hello?

Oh, that's great news, ma'am. Thank you so much.

Oh, just one second, I'm going to put you on hold.

- (clears throat) - (phone rings)

I think she hung up.

♪ Kickin' it with you ♪

All the new stuff they gave us is really cool.

But do you think they'll ever let us use it?

Oh, I love this place. Do we ever have to leave?

I don't see why.

Oh, if I knew how awesome this place was going to be,

I totally would have been a delinquent.

In fact, I'm going to start right now.

Ooh! Ah! Check it out, people.

No coaster! Ha!

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't want to leave a ring!

Hey, guys, thanks for everything you did.

This is really great.

We talked about it.

This isn't just a once-a-year thing.

You guys are welcome at the dojo anytime.

We're sorry we caused so much trouble.

Well, we kind of deserved it.

But we're all even, right?

(toilet explodes)

Ha ha! Now we're even!

(upbeat music)

I'm really glad you called after seeing me on the telethon.

You are cute as a button.

(laughing)

And you are as cute as a kitten.

Oh! (purrs)

Meow!

- (purring) - (meowing)

Okay, I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Listen, you better get back down there now.

Do what he says!

Now where were we?

(closing theme music)

Man: Poor soul.

(dog snarls, barks)

Boy: Yes!