Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

You know, Jack and Milton are so lucky that they won the essay contest

and get to go to Washington, D.C. with Principal Funderburk.

You know, Milton I get,

but Jack just made up some dumb paragraph

on how Martha Washington entertained the troops

by burping the alphabet.

Dumb? That woman was a war hero, Kim.

You know, with Jack's luck,

they're probably meeting the president right now.

Hello, I'm President George Washington,

welcome to Presidential Patties.

Today's special is a Patriot Burger.

"I cannot tell a lie." It is delicious.

So, what makes it a Patriot Burger?

The tomato is red, the onion is white

and the meat is blue.

I'll have the clams, they'll have the special.

You all right, Funderburk? You look nervous.

Yeah, of course, he's nervous. He ordered the clams.

It says right here on the menu.

"Clams may not be actual clams."

Look, you guys know how you're always saying

I'm the greatest principal ever?

Both: We never say that.

The truth is...

(whispers) ...I'm not actually a principal.

- (both scoff) - Seriously.

I am a... (groans)

(both grunting)

(action music)

Chair!

As I was saying...

I'm an undercover agent working for the government.

Good work.

Guys, this is Agent 34.

You had some nice moves out there!

You're a spry old fella, aren't ya?

(grunts)

You guys are here because I'm putting together

a team of teen spies,

and I need you two for a mission.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Does this mean we're not

going to the Wax Museum of Presidential Dogs?

'Cause I promised my mother a picture of Barbara Bush's beagle.

Let's go. There'll be more cyborgs.

- Cyborgs only exist in sci-fi movies. - (whirring)

- (grunts) - (clangs)

(whirring stops)

(crackling)

Oh, yeah. No, that's a cyborg.

Cyborg in the house, people!

(theme music)

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

(dramatic music)

Funderburk: We're safe here.

This is an abandoned subway station I turned into my spy headquarters.

It's covert, highly functional,

and rock solid.

- (thuds) - (cracks)

Rock solid-ish.

I knew you weren't a real principal.

You made fart noises with your hands over the PA system.

Right. With my hands.

I brought you two here

because I need your help in fighting the spread of R.A.S.H.

Oh, I got one of those from a canoe seat last summer.

If you rub butter on it--

R.A.S.H. stands for "Radical Agents Sabotaging Humanity."

Yeah, you're gonna need more than butter for that.

You do realize I'm just a kid, right?

Look, I only have two armpit hairs.

Please put the ginger twins away.

You're no ordinary kids.

Milton, you have one of the highest IQs I've ever seen.

- What's this? - (whooshes)

- (crashes) - Don't worry. We have plenty of those.

And Jack... (chuckles)

(beeps)

...you scaled a 90-story building,

took out a highly-trained agent with his own tranq dart

and saved the life of a foreign prince.

I do have my moments.

That was a test, Jack.

A test you passed with flying colors.

In fact, it was Agent 34 who played the prince.

You don't recognize me, Jack?

How about now?

(grunts)

- Ooh... - Oh, yeah.

Wow, did that hurt?

(snorts) No.

(softly grunts)

I'm Agent Shane Peters.

My father is the greatest spy that ever lived,

and I'm exactly like him.

Right, Funderburk?

(moans, chuckles)

- (whines) - (elevator dings)

Oh, good, Grey is here,

the last member of our team.

If that's our spy uniform, I'm out.

That's her high school uniform.

Shane and Grey both go to the Biltmore Academy

which is connected to our headquarters by that secret elevator.

So these are the two new guys?

What's with the geek?

Jack's no geek.

He's a second-degree black belt.

I was talking about you, Red.

That makes so much more sense.

Grey's father was a street magician.

While he pulled rabbits out of hats,

she pulled wallets out of pockets.

I found her in juvie.

So, being a pickpocket makes her a spy?

Hello, Jack.

You broke eye contact which means you don't trust me.

These calluses on your hands show

you're not holding your bo staff correctly...

(sniffs) And that cheap hair gel you use

is gonna make you bald by the time you're 30.

(gasps)

That, Jack, is what makes me a spy.

Thirty, Jack.

Gone.

She's a nutritionally-conscious bad girl.

That's like someone's been reading my diary!

A year ago, my ex-partner turned evil,

assumed the alias Doctor Cross and became the head of R.A.S.H.

He stole the files on every spy in our program...

And my invisible spy coffee mug.

I think.

That's where we come in.

Because we're just teenagers, he knows nothing about us,

and would never suspect us as spies.

We know R.A.S.H. is planning something diabolical this weekend.

The four of you can stop it.

The mind, the martial artist, the magician,

and the master of disguise.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm a lot more than a master of disguise.

I also have the ability to sneak past anyone.

You know how?

(yelping)

'Cause no one ever sees me coming.

(whimpers)

Jack, Milton, will you help us on this mission?

- Uh, I-- - Yeah, we're in.

(claps) Funderburk: Great!

Grey, let's grab all the files we have on R.A.S.H.

We'll meet you guys back here at the situation table

where we'll discuss...

Well, the situation.

- Ooh, mints. - Milton.

Dude, I don't trust these guys.

Shane's a klutz, and Grey's a petty thief,

who, by the way, said some very hurtful things about my hair.

You know what it feels like to be the guy everyone goes to for help.

I'm never the kid who gets chosen for anything.

So it means that much to you?

I wanna do this.

If you're in, I'm in.

- Thanks, Jack. - (chuckles)

Have a mint. Your breath smells like a carnival port-a-pooper.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.

Uh, these aren't just regular mints.

It says they're made with sodium di-benzonate.

That's truth serum.

Oh, that makes these truth mints.

I'm gonna be blurting out my inner thoughts.

Oh, you're too dumb to understand all this.

Sorry. Did it again.

Guys, we're waiting for you.

- You know what I'm waiting for, honey? - Okay.

Shane, check for any incoming transmissions.

(beeps)

Sir, one just came in.

It says it's from the face of evil.

That's just my mother-in-law. Ignore.

Nope, it's from Doctor Cross.

- (beeps) - Hello, Funder-blunder.

Perhaps you've heard of liquitonium?

Observe what just a single drop can do

to the world's largest penny.

(sizzles)

(people screaming)

(Cross laughing)

Soon, I will be getting a quart of liquitonium.

Cross: Just imagine the evil I can do.

(laughing evilly)

We have intel about a R.A.S.H. agent flying into D.C. tomorrow.

He probably has the liquitonium.

You have to work as a team and intercept him

before he can deliver it to Cross.

I work better alone. I don't trust them.

Don't trust them? I just don't need them.

You might need us, Shane. What if you have to walk down

- a flight of stairs? - (chuckles)

What if you have to walk down a flight of stairs?

Enough!

The only way you are going to stop Cross

is if the four of you work together.

Shane, they're bunking with you tonight in your dorm.

Whoa! I don't do roommates.

Okay then, it's settled. We'll bunk with Grey.

- Let's go. - What?

Whoa-ho-ho!

You are bunking with Shane.

Now before you go upstairs,

put on these school uniforms.

Funderburk: I pride myself on running a top-secret operation.

No one knows about us.

(elevator dings)

Is this where the swim team tryouts are?

No!

You do know what "top secret" means, right?

Either of you guys

touch my stuff...

You're on my list.

Your list?

Yeah, that's right, my... list.

(both laugh)

Can you believe this guy?

"You're on my... list."

- (phone rings) - (answering machine beeps)

Shane's father: Shane, this is your father.

I heard you joined Funderburk's ridiculous spy team.

You're not cut out to be a spy like me.

Now stop embarrassing the family and come home.

(beeps)

The world's greatest spy doesn't sound like

the world's greatest dad.

Maybe that's why Shane tries so hard.

Listen, Milton, this mission we're on,

it's the real deal.

I mean, we're not back at the Bobby Wasabi Dojo

fighting Black Dragons anymore.

- You sure you wanna do it? - (sighs)

This is my chance to show people what I'm made of.

From here on out,

Milton Krupnick will be known as a man!

Gah! Mother didn't pack my footie pajamas.

You know what? Tonight, these feet are going commando.

Aah!

Let's go over the plan.

Funderburk: Shane will intercept -the R.A.S. -H agent

carrying the liquitonium and distract him.

Next, Grey will place the descrambler on the case.

Then Milton will crack the code which will open the case.

Then Grey will swap in the fake canister with the tracking device

then pass the liquitonium off to Jack

who will come speeding in on a personal transporter.

Jack, you do know how to ride a personal transporter, don't you?

I'll worry about the transporter.

You just worry about your makeup.

It's not makeup!

It's spy makeup.... for dudes.

All right, team, the agent you're going to intercept

just landed at the airport.

It's go time.

(breathing deeply)

Grey.

It's our first mission.

If I don't make it back,

I want you to forget me and move on.

(nervously) Okay.

So strong!

(action music)

Last week, fortune teller gets in the back of my cab.

She tells me she's gonna give me a palm read... for free.

So, I show her my palms, you know?

I'm steering with my feet, you know, right here like this, you know...

Okay? And she says I'm gonna get into an accident.

Ten seconds later, bam! I drive into a bus!

That's a fortune teller, huh?

True story. Yeah.

- (hissing) - Shane: Oh, no.

Cab's overheating. We gotta get outta here, buddy.

(grunts)

Come on, let's go. Let's go, buddy.

You all right? Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Fresh air. Could be anything, you know?

This happened to me on fourth street the other day.

What do you think? Probably should change my oil.

(beeps)

What is taking so long?

I'm sorry, it's my first mission.

I'm a little nervous.

Real spies don't get nervous!

Real spies also don't sweat through their underpants,

but that's the world I'm living in, so deal with it, sister.

This is why I work alone.

I'm going in. I'll use my laser cutter to get to the case.

Oh, no, no, no, that's not the plan!

- (clicks) - (sizzling)

(stutters) Oh, that's not good. That's not good.

Fire! (screams)

(grunts)

- (grunts) - Jack, where are you?

I'm having a little trouble here!

Never actually ridden one of these things!

(both grunt)

Ah! What are you doing?

Shane, just give me the case!

No, my father's gonna know that I saved the mission!

- Are you serious? Come on! - I said give it to me!

- Give me the case! It doesn't matter! - No!

- I got it! I got it! - Oh! Jack!

- I didn't see you. Are you okay? - I'm on fire!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm on fire! (screams)

Grey: Why couldn't you do your job? Way to go, Red.

(slurring) I have the liquitonium.

(action music)

(clears throat)

The director of the CIA is shutting us down.

(sighs)

Teenage spies.

What was I thinking?

I'll be the first Peters in three generations not to be a spy.

Of course, it won't surprise my father.

He thinks I should be a... florist. (mumbles)

- A what? - A florist!

- Yeah, I could see that. - Really?

- Yeah, really. - Okay.

It was my fault too.

I was too proud to admit

that I didn't know how to drive the transporter.

Well, it's back to juvie for me.

I should've trusted you guys. (sighs)

Don't blame yourself.

I cracked under the pressure.

Of course it didn't help that you smelled like a soft rain on a moonlit night.

But it was mostly the pressure.

Milton Krupnick, spy.

(sighs) What a joke.

Oh, come on, Milton. You're not a joke.

In fact, you're the bravest kid I know.

I hate Doctor Cross.

I wish I could wipe that smug look off of his face.

Wait. What's that in his glasses?

(beeping)

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm dialing up the aperture value

and compressing the reflection pixelation.

- Huh? - What?

I'm making the picture go biggy-biggy.

- Oh, okay. - Ah. Yeah, yeah, sure.

(beeping)

It's a New York City subway schedule.

Cross highlighted the "K" train to the last stop...

Freedom Island.

And what's there that's made of copper, just like the giant penny?

- The statue of father freedom. - The statue of father freedom.

Nailed it.

Guys, let's finish what we started.

But how do we get to a subway car in New York in 20 minutes?

I may have accidentally taken the keys to Funderburk's jet-copter.

What? Sometimes I take stuff.

- That's kinda my thing. - Guys, hands in.

Wasabi.

- All: Wasabi! - Let's go.

Uh, why did we just say, "Wasabi"?

I have no idea, but it seems to make them happy.

(snaps fingers) Wasabi. Wasabi. I like it.

(whooshing)

(rattling)

(action music)

We've gone through every other subway car.

The agent has to be in this one.

Found 'em.

Those soccer players are wearing high-top sneakers.

You don't play soccer in high-tops.

And that ball is a size four. Kids' ball.

Agent Seven, you are some kinda woman.

Man: (over PA) Next stop, Freedom Island.

(people chattering)

(action music)

Time to say hello to my little friends.

- (groans) - You didn't even say

hello to my little friends!

(all grunting)

- (grunts) - (clangs)

- (groans) - Cyborg!

(shatters)

(crackling)

He just shorted the brakes!

(grunting)

(yells)

- Whoa! - (shouts)

(shatters)

(frizzles)

(grunting)

Milton, you stop the train. I'll get the liquitonium.

I've gotta find an alternate power source.

(Grey and Shane grunting)

(unzips)

I believe this is where you get off.

(electricity crackling)

It's working. The car's slowing down.

(explodes)

- (gasps) - Ooh.

(breathing heavily)

Well, looks like my work here is done.

- (sighs) - I gotta say, Red, I was wrong about you.

You can really bring it.

Oh, it may not look like I can bring it,

but if it's being brought,

you can bet that I'm the bringer that brung it.

- (electricity crackling) - (gasps)

Sorry.

(action music)

You disobeyed my orders,

hijacked a seven-million-dollar jet-copter,

put civilians at risk,

and I have never been...

(crying) ...more proud...

in my life!

Funderburk: Oh, I love these kids!

Well, I never got to see Barbara Bush's beagle,

but this is the most exciting field trip I've ever been on.

(scoffs) Definitely.

Yo, man, we should probably get going.

Our plane to Seaford leaves in an hour.

Hey, uh, Jack, thanks to you, we completed the mission.

You know, for the first time in my life,

my father sees me as a spy instead of a florist.

I wanted to say thank you.

So, I made you these.

Dude flowers.

Thanks, Shane.

You know, you did a pretty good job out there, man.

So did you.

It was an honor to be your leader.

You weren't my leader.

I was your leader, Jack! Ow!

Milton?

Before you go, there's something I wanna say.

You stood by my side when things got crazy on that train.

You're the first person I met in a long time that I can trust.

Goodbye.

Grey.

Before you go...

I have something I wanna say.

I know you just stole my watch.

Good catch, Red.

All right, man, you ready to roll?

(groans)

You guys sure there's no way you would consider

becoming permanent members of the team?

(spy music)

(closing theme music)

Man: Poor soul.

(dog snarls, barks)

Boy: Yes!