Original subtitles

Well!

Bobby's got a pretty good turnout for his new movie, Super Samurai .

Hey, what's it about?

Oh, it's the epic story of a man

who has to choose between making soup or becoming a samurai.

Hey, where's Jerry and Milton?

They said they were going to try and get dates and then meet us here.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Milton got a date. You know, good for him.

Guys, this is my date, Veronica.

And this is Jerry's other date, Carol.

You know, the star of this movie,

Bobby Wasabi is a close, personal friend of mine.

Aww, Milton, you couldn't get a date again?

No. No, I could not.

Well, look, Milton, I mean, you're smart,

and, you know, I'm sure you can get any girl you want.

Thanks, Kim.

Hey, do you guys think I can get a girl like that over there?

- Uh... - Um...

- You know... - No, that girl's like a thoroughbred.

You should really start with one of those safe little petting zoo ponies.

You know?

Really?

Well, I'll show you who can get a thoroughbred.

Psst!

Kim, Jack, Rudy!

It's me, Bobby.

Bobby Wasabi.

I'm wearing these sunglasses, so no one knows it's me.

Bobby wasabi.

Smart.

I'm so excited.

This movie is gonna make me a star of the action world once again.

(chuckles) Much bigger than that hack Chet Stone.

Now, prepare yourselves

for the best movie you have ever seen!

(laughs)

That was the worst movie I have ever seen!

- Awful. - Horrible.

Oh, come on.

No, are you serious? I barely know the guy.

Hey, how'd you like the movie, Milton?

Giddy up, Jack. (clicks tongue)

All right, well, there were a few rough spots,

but it wasn't that bad, right?

(quiet murmuring)

Your movie was awful!

You ruined both soup and samurais for me.

- (grunts) - (groans)

Don't be like that.

Please, come back, mother!

(theme music)

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

Hey, check this one out.

"Wasabi flounced around the screen like a bloated sausage."

Wow, what a horrible review.

That's the good one.

Yeah. How could Bobby think

that this movie was gonna be a big success?

Yeah, in the middle of the climactic fight with the evil overlord,

he said... (panting)

"hey, can we take a five-minute break?"

And then he took a five-minute break.

Hey, what is Rudy doing?

He's worried that the bad publicity from the movie will affect the dojo.

He said he was going to do something about it.

(whirring loudly)

(sighs sharply)

Say hello to the By Bi dojo.

(cellphone rings)

Hello, by bi.

(dial tone)

Huh, that's weird.

(cellphone rings)

Hello, By Bi.

(dial tone)

Why do people keep hanging up?

I'll see you guys later. I'm gonna go train.

Hey, guys.

Heidi, these are my friends.

Kim and Jerry. This is my new girlfriend, Heidi.

Hi, Kim. Hi, Jerry.

It's really nice to meet you.

We're about to go on our second date to the planetarium.

Is it "bring a nerd, get in free" night?

(chuckles) Oh, you're funny, Jerry.

(laughs)

I'll be right back. I'm gonna go grab my Jacket.

So... (chuckles)

You and Milton?

(sighs) Yeah.

I think he's great.

He's so smart.

Milton.

And you?

You don't think I'm good enough for your friend?

If you do anything to come between me and my man,

I will eat you alive!

Okay, all set.

Really nice to meet you, guys.

I love your friends.

(laughs)

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

Oh, come on. Come on.

(stuttering) Jack, this is bad. This is very, very bad.

Now that Bobby's a joke, this dojo's become a joke.

I've lost six students.

Seven students.

Eight students!

No. No, no, no.

You wouldn't even know that move if it wasn't for me!

Wow, man. Things are looking pretty bleak.

Bleak? Things couldn't possibly get worse.

I'm moving in!

Things just got worse.

Bobby, you can't move in here.

Well, it's either this or I move into your apartment.

Welcome home!

Bobby, what happened to your mansion?

It's gone.

All gone!

I put everything I had into this movie.

What was supposed to be my big comeback

turned into my big "go away"!

You'll hardly even know I'm here.

(clanging, clinking)

Oh! And you should know I put my elephant up on the roof.

(elephant trumpets)

(glass shatters)

(loud roar, grunt)

I put my elephant in your office.

Look, we have to tell Milton about his girlfriend.

You're totally right.

I mean, I'd wanna know. Wouldn't you?

And as his friends, we need to tell him the truth.

- So we're in this together? - Absolutely.

Kim has something to tell you about your girlfriend.

Oh, Heidi? She's great, isn't she?

Yeah, well, you know. She's great in a way.

You see, but the other night, we saw a different side to her.

And that side was...

Well, what I'm trying to say is--

Your girlfriend's a nut loaf, dude.

I'm sorry?

Look, when you went to go grab your Jacket,

- she kind of turned on us. - (Jerry sighs sharply)

- What? - Oh, no, it's true.

She was all, "Oh, Milton. I love you so much!"

And then you left, and she was all, "I don't like you!"

And then you came back and she was all, "Oh, Milton. I love you so much."

What scares Kim and I is the whole...

(imitates Heidi) "I'm gonna eat you" part.

Oh...

I see what's going on here.

It's the old "boy meets girl, girl likes boy,

other girl and other boy think that girl that likes boy

is not girl for that boy."

Gah!

Wait, so was Milton the boy--

Don't hurt yourself.

- (man grunts) - (glass shatters)

This is from my third film, Karate Cowboy .

- (horse whinnies) - Look how young I was.

My eyes filled with wonder and innocence.

Bobby, that's a cow.

- (cow moos) - Look how young that cow was--

Her eyes filled with wonder and innocence.

Bobby, please, pull it together.

- (music stops) - Why?

My career is over!

I'm talking about your robe. Pull it together!

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go into the shower.

And if you hear what sounds like an old, washed-up,

former action star crying...

(whimpers)

It's probably just the pipes.

(sobs)

Rudy! Rudy, I've got good news.

Me too. Bobby's taking his first shower in weeks.

I forgot my box of shower chicken.

Bobby, come here. You've gotta hear this.

All right. "Troubled action star Chet Stone got fired

after another epic meltdown on the set of The Undestroyables 4 .

Director John Ahearn said recasting will begin immediately."

Bobby, if we can get you cast in that movie,

you'll be a big star again.

We could save the dojo!

People will be lining up to train here.

And we can help you.

Sure, you may have let yourself go a little bit,

but I know that just under the surface is an action star.

Absolutely. We just gotta dig a little.

Don't worry about me, boys.

I still have it.

(grunting)

Whoo!

Whoo!

Ha!

Whoo!

Oh, chicken.

We might have to dig a little deeper than I thought.

(chuckles)

All right, Bobby.

You're going to be an action star again in no time.

We're going to test your natural instincts as a martial artist.

This dummy represents your opponent.

(chuckles) Bring it on, blue boy.

Whoo!

(grunting)

(groans, thuds)

You ready to try again?

Let's do this.

(grunting)

(shouts) Ha-ha-ha!

(groans, thuds)

It was better...

Okay, Bobby, are you ready?

I have centered my chi.

I will feel no pain.

(screams loudly)

Why? Why would you do that?

Oh, it hurts!

(yells, wails)

I hate you! I hate both of you!

(screams)

Are you ready, Bobby?

(funk music)

(exclaims loudly)

(thudding)

(grunts)

Oh, yeah.

I'm ready.

Both: Bobby's back.

(light music)

Wow.

I thought we were just taking the bus across town to the library, but-- ah!

Three hours later, and look at us.

We're in a cabin in the woods.

This cabin's been in our family for years.

I love it up here.

You know what the best part is?

There's no one around for miles.

(laughs)

Oh, so it's just...

you and me, and a whole lot of us.

How about we sit on the couch and hold hands?

Oh, okay.

Uh, where's your hand sanitizer?

I don't have any.

Oh.

Mother warned me about girls like you.

You know, Milton, once we get married today,

you can stock the shelves with whatever you want.

Ah, well, you can't go wrong with the three F's,

flares, floss, and fly swat.

I'm sorry. Did you just say "married"?

Of course, my little foodle-poodle.

We'll be together forever, and ever, and ever.

But I have a root canal on Monday.

- I can help you with that. - Oh!

(door closes)

(groans)

(grunts)

Oh! (whimpers)

(screams)

Aah!

(grunts)

(pants)

Jerry. You were right about Heidi.

She has me locked up in her cabin in the woods

near Crystal Lake.

You gotta help me.

(screaming)

What are you doing under the bed, silly bear?

Oh, just being a silly bear.

- Oh. - You don't need that.

Aah!

Now, let's take care of that root canal.

(screams)

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

Bobby, remember.

I'm your manager and Rudy's your agent.

And we're gonna convince the director to let you audition.

We just have to play this cool.

Right. Oh...

Some of the biggest action stars in the world

showed up to audition.

Bruce Norris.

The Boulder.

Jean Claude Van Diesel.

I'm never going to get the part.

- Oh! - Hey, hey, hey!

These guys are nothing compared to you.

You are the biggest action star of...

Oh, sweet Mother Hubbard!

That is Sylvester Stallion!

(both gasping excitedly)

Mr. Stallion, you are my favorite action star ever!

Hey, thank you very much!

(mumbles)

You know what I'm sayin'?

I really don't.

Oh, I loved you in Crocky ,

the story of a half-man, half-crocodile

who rose up from the sewers of Philadelphia

to become the world's greatest boxer.

Oh, I cry every time at the end

when you yell for your girlfriend.

Both: Yo, amphibian.

Amphibian!

Hey, yo!

That's a line from my movie!

Hey, guys. I'm the director, John.

Thanks everyone for coming in.

Who's first?

This is Bobby Wasabi. He is your man.

Bobby, do your audition.

Right, right.

(sighs)

(blubbers, mutters)

(yips)

(sighs)

It's bad enough that you robbed that bank and stole my face.

But you crossed a line

when you used my bathroom and didn't light a match, punk!

(shouts)

Stop! Stop! Stop!

It's not gonna happen, Wasabi.

You're a has-been.

(John groans)

Guys, I need to take a five.

(stammers)

Hey, yo.

Bobby, eh.

Sometimes, you know, when things--

(mumbling in thick accent)

(grunts)

Thanks, Stallion, that...

probably made me feel better.

(light music)

Oh, you look so handsome. (chuckles)

Stop squirming.

I said stop squirming!

- (sighs) - Ah, perfect.

Ah, no. No, no.

Don't get me wrong,

I would love to marry you. Uh, but...

Oh! I'm Jewish, and according to our traditions,

I have to be married under a chuppah.

No chuppah, no wedding.

(clinks)

Aah!

Mazel tov!

You may be a whack job, but you are thorough.

(loud thuds)

Jerry: Ow!

Ah!

You two weren't invited to our wedding.

(gasps)

This is wrong.

You didn't invite your best friend to your wedding?

You just cost yourself a beautiful five-speed blender, bro.

It's over, sister.

Okay, we looked you up online, and we know all about you, Heidi.

Or should I say the Valedictorian Vixen?

You've been kicked out of every school you've been in

because you've been obsessed with dating the smartest boy.

(gasping)

Well, that's because the smartest boy goes to the best college!

And gets the best job,

and buys the biggest house for me and our two genius babies!

See!

(Heidi laughs nervously)

(snorts)

Well, you messed up,

because Milton's not the smartest boy in school.

(gasps)

I got this, hon.

How dare you!

Milton, we're trying to save you.

Who at our school is smarter than my Milton?

Hello, Heidi.

Who has two thumbs and the highest GPA in school?

This guy.

- (laughs) - Albert, uh...

We could be...

She is not right. Do you know what you're getting into?

I do, and I don't care.

She is three words--

G-or-geous.

(laughs) Coming, babe.

(Albert giggles)

Mmm. (mutters)

- (Heidi giggles) - Desperation is a beautiful thing.

♪ hey! ♪

♪ come on! ♪

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

John, wait.

You've gotta give Bobby a chance.

While it is true that his last film was bad,

I mean, borderline unwatchable,

I wanted to gouge my eyes out.

Thank you! Thank you, Jack.

Listen, guys,

Bobby Wasabi can shave his head and change his clothes,

but he's still just a washed-up joke.

These guys are real action stars.

(door closes)

But they are no Chet Stone.

And if I can't be in this movie, there won't be a movie.

Nobody replaces the stone.

You're gonna pay, Ahearn!

- (grunts) - (John gasps)

Guys, you gotta protect me!

A real man never runs.

Yo!

(grunts)

May I?

I would be honored.

You probably shouldn't have done that.

- Get him! - (grunts)

(Bobby mumbles)

(all grunting)

(grunts)

You just got Wasabi'd.

That was amazing!

All these big action stars ran and hid.

But you, Bobby Wasabi, are the real thing!

That's why I want you to be the lead in my movie.

Not gonna happen. You had your chance.

I am done with you Hollywood phonies.

But thanks to my true friends,

I now know who Bobby Wasabi is.

That's too bad. You would have been great.

Wow, Bobby, that was impressive.

You just walked away from the role of a lifetime

and five million dollars.

Yeah, I guess you're just going to be a regular guy like us

and hang out in a strip-mall dojo.

Give us some.

(whimpers) What have I done?

John, wait up!

I was acting! Just acting!

(Bobby screams)

You know, I still feel kind of bad

for leaving Albert In the cabin with Heidi yesterday.

I mean, you think he's doing okay?

Heidi?

What are you doing here?

Where's Albert?

He's up in the cabin.

I said I was going out for firewood and then just ran away.

That guy is a nut loaf.

Albert: Oh, Heidi!

(gasps) Please!

Don't tell him I'm here.

Have you guys seen my honey, Heidi?

- No. - Haven't seen her.

No idea.

- There she is! - (screams)

No, get away! You're crazy!

(yells)

Oh, the faster you run, the more I love you.

(closing theme music)

Man: Poor soul.

(dog snarls, barks)

Boy: Yes!