All language subtitles for Kickin.It.S03E16_English

You guys can complain all you want,

but I had a really good time
at the Seaford fair.

We're just saying
the fair's gone downhill.

I mean, the baby elephant
was just a shaved dog

with a hose taped to its nose.

Hey, Jerry,
where'd you get that cool tie-dyed shirt?

Oh, I didn't.

I just got on the spinning cups with Rudy
after he had nine flavors of Italian ice.

It was eight.

That ninth color's the chili dog
I had for breakfast.

Hey, Jack, I need to ask a favor.

You know that Seaford High news show
that I'm on that everyone talks about?

Our school has a news show?

- And you're on it?
- People talk about it?

Yes, and I was hoping
that Jack could do the weather,

uh, just for one day.

- Why?
- Ugh.

Well, we couldn't find anyone,
so our producer Albert had to fill in.

He's not really the right guy for the job.

♪ It's gonna be sunny tomorrow ♪

♪ So get out your sunblock today ♪

- (yelps)
- (crashes)

All right, if you want me
to be your weatherman,

- I'll give it a shot.
- Oh, cool. Come on.

Let's go into dojo
and practice for tomorrow.

Okay.

(sobbing)

(door closes)

(sobs loudly)

- ( door closes)
- Should we?

I think we have to.

(all groan)

I am never speaking
to any of you ever again!

And I will tell you why!

I invited you all to my birthday party,

but no one come to celebrate the Phils.

That's my fault, Phil. The...

The fair was in town, we got free tickets,

and I totally forgot it was your birthday.

Uh, guys, how about we make it up to him?

Uh...

All: Surprise!

What?

For me?

Yeah-- wait a minute.

You're not pulling the yak fur
over my seeing balls.

Look, Phil, we're really sorry--

- Save it, sister!
- Okay.

I thought you people
were like family to me.

But what kind of family does this
to a man who just wants to be loved?

Oh, I feel horrible, Phil.

Look, I may have forgotten your birthday,
but I didn't forget to get you a present.

Um...

Look, uh, I got you
this beautiful tie-dyed t-shirt.

(sniffs)
Ugh.

I don't want this.

It smells like a pukey rainbow.

(screaming)

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball
Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much
I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool
As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball
Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much
I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool
As kickin' it with you ♪

Guys, Phil is our friend.

And we let him down.

So we are gonna throw him
the best birthday party ever.

All of his friends from the mall
are gonna come.

Joan's even working on a Hachmachy dance.

Okay, I did a little research.

And the first thing you need
for a traditional Hachmachy birthday party

is six gallons of tortoise pee.

Got it.

How do you have six gallons of--

You get a tortoise
and you make him drink lots of water.

It's called science, Kim.

Okay, look at the present that I got him.

It's a box for knickknacks
made out of 10,000 toothpicks.

Oh, can I see that?

Yeah, be very careful.

(clatters)

You know what I got him?

His mother. Yeah.

She hasn't seen him
since he moved to Seaford.

I'm flying her over.

Mama Mima is gonna be the surprise
at the party.

Best gift giver ever.

Dude, how could you afford
to fly someone over from Hachmachistan?

You know what, Jerry?

Phil is my friend.

And you cannot put a price tag
on friendship.

On a totally unrelated subject,
tuition is going up 100 bucks a piece.

♪ Kicking it with you ♪

And we're back in three, two...

During Friday night's football game,

while cheering
for the game-winning field goal,

Coach Marmer blew a bladder gasket.

This reporter was on scene
when it happened.

Milton: How are you feeling, coach?

(coach grunts loudly)

And now, our guest weatherman Jack brewer.

Thank you, Milton.

Today, temperatures are rising

due to a low barometric pressure system
moving in from...

(chuckles)
This is boring.

Jack, just read the prompter.

Forget about the prompter.

Look, if you want to know
about the weather,

it's gonna be hot out,
so just open up a window.

You guys should hit the beach.

Grab your flip flops,
put on your tank tops,

and shake out your mops.

And no matter the weather,
stay cool, Seaford.

(clicks tongue)

Will do!

And we're out.

Well, Jack, uh...

That was interesting.

Yeah, I think it went pretty well.

(in high-pitched voice)
Yeah.

You did the best you could.

And that's what counts.

Okay, everybody, they're almost here.

I told Jerry
to bring Phil here blindfolded.

Jerry, Phil was supposed
to have the blindfold on.

Oh, that makes so much more sense.

What is this?

What are all these people doing here?

Happy birthday, Phil? Oh!

You do love the Phil!

Look, we may have forgotten your birthday,

but we wanted to let you know
that we really do love you.

And Rudy's on his way
with a special surprise.

Joan: And I got a little surprise
of my own!

I have mastered

the traditional Hachmachy birthday dance.

(folk music playing)

(tempo quickens)

(clattering)

Happy birthday!

That was beautiful.

You even ended
with a traditional face plant.

This couldn't get any better.

Yes, it could.

(foreign accent)
Come...

Give your mama a great big kiss.

(in high-pitched voice)
Mama?

(thuds)

Oh.

And now it's time for weather.

♪ With weatherman Jack ♪

Thank you, sunny. Thank you, cloudy.

(clicks tongue)

What is he doing here?

Jack's a hit, especially with girls
15 to 15 1/2.

You realize Jack doesn't even know
how to use a teleprompter.

He doesn't have to.

He's gonna wing it.

What? You can't just wing it.

The is amateur high school journalism.

All I care about is getting more students
to watch our show.

I'll do whatever it takes to get ratings.

It's gonna be a little gusty today.

This offshore swell is gonna bring in some
swell waves for you surfers out there.

What am I doing surfing with a shirt on?

Oh, gah!

He's going topless!

We're expecting showers later tonight.

(spritzing)

Ahh!

I want to apologize to the viewers
who tuned into the news

and wound up eyeballing this skin fest.

Uh, I think they'd rather watch me
than the Milton Krupnik Snooze Fest.

How dare you!

(both groaning)

(grunts)

(spritzing)

And we're out!

Way to go, guys.

Thanks to you we probably lost
all the viewers that we had.

(spritzing)

That was great.

What?

Jack and Milton fighting

was the coolest thing
that's ever happened on this show.

Everybody in school
is already talking about it.

Ohh.

(giggles)

I think I just found our new co-anchor.

(Milton screams)

(shouts)

♪ Kickin' it with you ♪

You don't just spring a Hachmachy mother
on her son.

You might as well have wrapped up
a large snake

and give that to Phil.

Sur... not cool. Who told?

I have been living a lie.

My mother thinks
I am someone that I am not.

Well, why would you lie
to your mother, Phil?

In my country,

if a man my age is not successful
and married with children,

he has to return home and live in a tent
with the grandmothers and the seals.

Well, hey,
at least you're a successful businessman.

Please, in Hachmachistan,

the only thing worse than selling falafel
is being security guard at the mall...

Malt ball factory.

Malt ball factory security guards...

(laughs)
Suckers!

I told her that I am the futon king.

Phil, now, why would you do that?

Because he's the king of a magical piece
of furniture known as the futon.

I can think of no greater thing to be.

Hello, mama.

(both ululating)

(both spit)

(both trilling)

Oh, these must be my grandpumpkas.

Uh, actually, mama, these are...

- Uh, we're your grandpumpkas.
- Aw...

We are?

I mean, we are.

- (chuckling)
- That's us.

And this must be your wife.

Oh.

No, Phil doesn't have a--

A thing to worry about...
(nervous chuckle )

Because I'm his beautiful wife.

And I love him.

(gasps deeply)

- (smooches)
- (groans)

(sighs)

Okay, so that just happened.

Uh, yeah, Mama.

This is my beautiful family.

(coughs and gags)

Hmm. Joan, do you want your gum back?

Oh, keep it, dear.

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

A little bit more.

Little bit more...

And down.

Yes.

Definitely put it back where it was.

Listen, you.

I am not moving another futon by myself.

Look, I hope you appreciate
what we're doing for you.

I do appreciate it very much.

And it's only for a few days.

You, Rudy, you're a true friend.

And I say this from the bottom
of my heart--

Move those futons or you're fired, worm!

Hello, mother.

Ah, my wife.

Hello, dear.

There's my big, strong man
working his heart out.

(chuckles)
Here's your credit card.

Oh.

Why did you take my credit card, dear?

Oh, well, because I knew you'd want me

to have this necklace
for our anniversary, dear.

I'm surprised you didn't get
matching earrings to go with it, dear!

Well, that's a great idea...

dear.

Oh, my father was wrong about you.

(giggles)

Oh...

Can you believe we have to keep up
this act until Mima leaves?

Hey!

My daddy don't pay you to flap your lips.

Go move a futon.

You know, Phil, I'm so ashamed.

A little part of me thought you were lying

when you didn't send me
a picture of your family.

But I see you have built a beautiful,
wonderful life.

And given me a beautiful grandchild.

I gave you two.

Oh, right, the girl.

What is wrong with the Kims?

Yeah.

What is wrong with the Kims?

Oh, where do I start?

Your pasty skin!

Your tortoise lips!

Your puny plucked eyebrows!

You're going to grow old and alone.

That is why I'm going to give you
Hachmachy makeover.

- (laughs)
- Wait, wait.

Where is she taking me, dad?

Dad? Daddy!

All right, guys. We're going live in 30.

You know, the news is about actual news,

not about how good you look.

News is about ratings.

You got to give the people what they want.

And they want this guy.

(coughs)

What they want is a great story,

like that time I went undercover
in the cafeteria

for my piece about a sneezy chef.

No one will ever forget snots
in your tots.

Everyone forgot that story.

- It was a dumb story.
- It was a great story.

- (overlapping arguing)
- Three, two, one!

- I'm Jack Brewer.
- And I'm Milton Krupnik.

And here's our top story.

The school nurse reports that wedgies
are down by ten percent

due to the recent expulsion
of Glen "The Ripper" Daniels.

- And here with our next story--
- (crinkling)

Big hair!

Big, big hair!

- Whoo-hoo.
- What? No.

You did this!

I didn't do anything.

Uh, we're on air. Try and be professional.

And on to our next news segment,

Inside Seaford.

I will be testing the pH level
of our Seaford High drinking water

with one little drop of--

(giggling)

That's it!

No! No! No!
(yells)

- (both grunting)
- Let me go!

Jack: No! No! No!

No, no, no.

(pants)
No!

And we're out!

Albert: Oh, that was great, guys.

I'm gonna go talk to the principal
about getting more time added to the show.

Did he just say we were great?

Uh, we just had an on-air brawl.

Why would he want us to fight
if all he cares about is...

Both: Ratings.

That's it. Let's tell him we quit.

No.

I think we should do one more broadcast.

♪ Kicking it with you! ♪

- (speaks Hachmachy)
- (laughing)

(gasps)
You did not?

Oh! Mama Mima, you're hilarious.
(laughs)

- What she say?
- I have no idea.

Wait till you see what I have done
with the Kims.

I took a lump of ugly and turned it
into a lump of less ugly.

Kims!

Rudy: Oh.

Have you ever seen anything
like her before?

Well, there's a horror movie
where this creature crawled out of the--

Rudy!

This hat is ridiculous.

Oh, Phil, I'm so proud of you.

I couldn't be happier.

I've made a decision.

I'm not going back to Hachmachistan.

I'm going to stay here with Phil

and his beautiful family forever.

Oh, I think they fainted with the joy.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure that's it.
(soft chuckle)

You know what, mother?

Let's celebrate. Huh?

(laughs)

We're going to the most
expensive restaurant in town.

- Phil would want that.
- Mama Mima: Oh...

What a great story, Milton.

A dog with dentures, wow.

His bark really is worse than his bite.

(both laugh)

Why are they getting along?

Yeah, we'd like to take a break
from our normal routine

and shake things up a bit.

Oh, shake it! Shake it up, Jack.

We want you to meet a man

who doesn't quite get
the credit he deserves.

Our producer, Albert.

Come on up here, Albert.

(nervous giggle)
What?

Why? What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Our ratings have tripled
in the last few days

and it's all because of Albert.

(laughs)
Well, I don't know. I mean...

I'm pretty good.

Wait, what am I standing in?

- Ooh.
- Oh, that's just some quick-dry cement.

See, Albert understands

that ratings can come
from making people look like fools.

- No.
- So we thought you'd help us

with the weather.

But I don't want to help you
with the weather.

Oh, look at that.

You're on TV and we didn't even give you
a chance to fix your hair.

- (snaps)
- Oh!

Why don't you use some
of the hair volumizer you gave me?

- No, no, no.
- No? Why?

- No, no, no.
- Look at that.

No!

No!

Here's the weather for today.

We're expecting hail...

No, no!
(screams)

And gale force winds...

- Ooh.
- Albert: No.

Help.

- (screams)
- Jack: Oh.

Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Oh!

Oh!

Both: And a torrential downpour.

(yells)

Poor little feller.

Oh, look at that.

Nice.

You guys, we can do this.

She's an old woman.

We just have to keep up this life
for another 20 or 30 years.

Phil, come on.
You have to tell her the truth.

- Why?
- Look at me!

No, she's right, Phil.

Dude, we have to get back
to our real lives.

No, you can't make me go back!

I don't want to live
in a world without faux fur.

Okay, fine.

I will tell Mama the truth.

Jerry, Kims!

Tonight, we dine like kings.

We're going to the beach

to collect the seaweed
and the washed-up pip-pips.

I don't know what a pip-pip is,

but I'm telling you,
I am not gonna eat one.

No, Mama...

there's something I must tell you.

These people, they're not...

(sighs sharply)

My family is...

Phil, what are you trying to say?

Joan is not my wife.

No!

- Jerry is not my son!
- No!

And Kim is not my daughter.

(shouts)
No!

Body could be happier about the Kim news.

I am a failure, Mama.

This is not my family.

- I do not own this store.
- (gasps)

I'm but a simple falafel flinger.

Falafel!

You're a disgrace!

Pack your things!

We're going back to Hachmachistan.

You don't have family here.
(sobs)

(speaks Hachmachy)

Goodbye, everybody.

I will miss you.

Wait.

Yes, he does have a family.

Us.

But you're just a pretend family.

We love each other. That's not pretend.

And we're always there for each other.

And that's the best kind of family
that a man can have.

You did this because you love my Phil?

Yeah.

And we'd do it again.

Hang on, hon.

Okay, I'm wearing yak slacks

and I have two giant caterpillars
walking across my face.

Maybe you people are right.

The important thing is that
my Phil be happy.

And you people make him happy.

- Everybody stand together.
- Why?

I want to take a picture
of my son's family.

Hey, Kim, move a little bit to the left.

A little more.

A little more.

You don't want me in the picture,
do you?

You are very smart
for such a hideous creature.

- Good.
- Hup!

- A little more extension.
- Hup!

Awesome, that's great, guys.
Let's take a break.

So, Kim, any word on when your eyebrows
will be back to normal?

(sighs)

My doctor doesn't know how Mima did it.

But he thinks that it'll be
about three weeks.

They're really not even--

I mean, they're hardly--

Three weeks?

(closing theme music)

Man: Poor soul.

(dog snarls, barks)

Boy: Yes!