Original subtitles

Oh, man. I'll tell you, temple-sitting is the life.

Just look at that view.

-That is 3 -D hi-def surround sound with quadratronic woofers, baby.

Oh. Hey, Jack, we should go get our tickets

for our movie tomorrow before they sell out.

Oh, sweet, I'm in.

Uh, Jerry. It's kind of a date.

Oh, sorry, Jack.

Looks like Kim and I are going on a date. (clicks tongue)

No. I'm going on a date with Jack.

(groans) Make up your mind, woman.

Whoa, we thought the temple was empty.

Who are you people?

We're temple-sitting for the warriors. Who are you people?

We're plumbers.

We're here to fix the plumbing.

Uh, it's probably my fault.

I just started my new all-fiber diet.

And it has been a--

Rudy!

Ooh! Shark pool comes on in a couple minutes.

Oh, I love that show.

Innocent dreamers present their inventions to four millionaires

who crush their spirit and rob them of their will to live!

I wanna be on it so bad.

Can't get this stupid bottle open.

Oh, I got it.

How'd you do that?

Oh, I used my stomach.

I got really tight abs.

How did you get tight abs working out at my dojo?

Oh, sparring with Jack.

You know, I've gotten so used to his stomach blows

that my abs tighten up before he even hits me.

Oh, that is it!

What if I make a belt that you wear that simulates little karate chops

making you tighten up and giving you a beautiful toned stomach.

Oh! I will call it Ninja Abs!

That's a really good idea, Rudy.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- (whale moans on TV) - You know,

the picture on that TV is pretty amazing.

It's so realistic.

I literally feel like that whale is giving birth in my lap.

Eww!

Dude, is that what we're watching?

Ah, I thought the little one was just balancing the big one on his nose.

- (water splashes) - All: Oh!

- (chuckles) - Okay.

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

And with a $5,000 loan from you,

we'll be able to mass-produce these belts and do a live infomercial

to cash in on the fitness craze.

How 'bout it, Lou?

Are you man of vision, spirit and verve?

I can't see without my glasses,

wife killed my spirit and I lost my verve to a wolverine on a camping trip.

Listen, you, I told you to fix that toilet upstairs.

Oh, boy.

- (cash register dings) - Margot, what are you doing?

I'm taking $20 to get my nails done. Eww.

Come on, Margot. I'll drop you at the mall.

Can't believe those two.

- What was that? - I said have a nice day!

Okay, I'll give you the loan,

but if you can't pay it back, I get to keep your dojo.

(sputters)

- Not happening. - He would never--

- It's a deal. - What?

Rudy, you can't risk the dojo.

What? If you believe in yourself, you gotta bet on yourself.

Ohh, I remember this thing.

Yeah, the last time we were here,

I thought it was a fake and I pulled this--

(blasts)

And that's exactly what happened.

We'll see you, Lou.

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you! ♪

That movie was a joke.

- Yeah. - We were supposed to believe

that a German soldier stopped the war with nothing but his ballet shoes?

(in German accent) Put down your weapons, guys,

and watch me dance!

(in normal accent) Let's go get some frozen yogurt.

Ugh, Karl's working.

He hates everyone.

(groans) Kim.

(mocking groan) Karl!

How you doin', Karl? I'm Jack.

Uh, can I get a raspberry ginger?

You got it, Jack.

On the house.

Oh, thanks, man.

Let me see. I'll have an--

- (cover shuts) - We're closed.

Why does everyone love you?

It's called the Jack factor.

It's charm, charisma and all this.

Look, Jack, now that we're going out,

my, uh, dad wants to meet you and...

- I tried to get out of it, and I just-- - Kim, relax.

I can't wait to meet him.

Parents love me. It's part of the Jack factor.

You really think you have something called the Jack factor?

Hey, where'd you get that?

(clicks tongue)

Unbelievable.

No, give me that!

Rudy: And now it's time for Ninja Abs!

And here's your handsome host Rudy!

Thanks, Steve-O.

Hey, everyone. I'm Rudy.

Do you have some extra weight you'd like to lose?

Well, I did.

And now I can help you become big loser just like me.

Listen to this fella.

Jerry: I used to look like this.

(grunts)

Thanks to Ninja Abs, now, I look like this.

Whoo!

Yeah, my abs are so ripped, I can do fun things like this.

Wow! That's real parmesan cheese, people!

Mmm! Ab-sy!

Now let my friend Dr. Krupnick explain how it works.

It works because of science.

Now, let's see it in action.

(beeping)

- (whirring) - Ohh!

Each ninja belt is custom designed

with six powerful pistons to pound the pounds away!

Let's turn it up.

(rapid beeping)

(whirring rapidly)

Hey, let's, uh...

Show 'em how the off button works, Rudy.

That smile means it's working.

You need to turn it off, Rudy!

- It's not going down. - Turn it off, Rudy.

I can't turn this down. It's not working.

(nervous chuckle)

- (bodies thud) - Order yours today!

- (boys screaming) - You'll be glad you did!

- (sparking, zapping) - (Jerry screams)

(gasps)

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

- Hey, guys. - (Chuck chuckling)

Oh, uh, Jack, this is my dad.

Dad, this is my...

Jack.

Nice to meet you. Should I call you chuck?

Mr. Crawford would be fine.

Yeah. Yes, sir. Mr. Crawford, sir.

So, uh, I hear you're in automotive supplies, huh?

Well, maybe I can get a muffler for this one when she gets all yappy,

'cause once she gets goin', she's like, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, Jack, tell dad the joke you told me.

Let's hear it, Jack.

I love jokes.

Where do penguins keep their money?

In a snowbank.

Oh, you heard this one. (chuckles)

Up top.

Many species of penguin are endangered, Jack.

You think that's funny?

This isn't one of those laughing jokes.

It's more of a...

raise penguin awareness kind of a joke.

Why don't we order?

Oh!

You just spilled water in my lap.

I'm so sorry!

Don't!

Hey, Lou! Lookin' good.

I saw your infomercial.

I want my money back.

And if you can't pay, our deal clearly states I get your dojo.

But I don't want you to own my dojo.

(whiny) I wanna own my dojo!

Oh, I got us into this mess.

Curse my beautiful abs.

There you are, you little worm!

Ah, there's the sunshine of my life.

Way to go, daddy.

You didn't book our trip to the glorious Xanadu Spa and Resort on Maui-Maui.

I was going to run with the dolphins.

Dolphins swim, dear.

I was going to swim with the dolphins.

Once again, you ruined a family vacation.

Uh...

You know, Lou had a very good reason for not booking that trip.

- Girls, Milton and Jerry: He did? - I did?

You did.

Yeah, um...

He, he wanted to surprise you with a luxury vacation

at the most exclusive spa in the world,

located high atop the majestic mount Seaford.

What kinda place are we going to, daddy?

Welcome to Seaford Shaolin Resorts.

Oh, bag boy!

Oh, bag boy!

Oh, bag... I'm the bag boy, aren't I?

Yes.

You forgot one.

- (thuds) - (Milton groans)

Follow me, ladies.

Your rooms are right across from the koi pond.

Girls: Ooh, classy!

If you could keep those two happy for the next couple of days,

I'll forgive your loan.

Trust me, your wife and daughter will have a vacation they'll never forget.

Oh, soon we're gonna bust through this rock

into the shaolin treasure chamber.

And if that guy Rudy or anyone else tries to get in our way...

(grunts)

We'll take care of 'em. (cackles)

Look at me!

Lying in a tub of mud.

I feel like one classy pig.

What's this mud made out of?

Uh...

You see, the complete recipe is a secret, but I will tell you,

the main ingredients are mineral water and cleansing volcanic ash.

Girls: Ooh! Fancy!

Where'd you get volcanic ash?

(snickers) No, I didn't.

I just scooped a bunch of stuff out of the bottom of a barbecue

and mixed it with a bag of something called gro-u-t.

Uh, excuse me?

I think I found a rib bone.

Uh... Yeah! Yeah, that's...

That's what the mud does, dear. It, um, uh...

(clears throat)

Opens up your pores and pulls out bones you don't need.

See?

I told that doctor I had an extra bone, but he didn't believe me.

I'm keeping my bones.

I'm getting out.

Uh, I can't move.

(whispers) Jerry!

Yeah?

This bag isn't gro-u-t. It's grout.

Uh, it's what the warriors use to patch the walls.

It's like cement.

I can't move.

I can't move!

You two numbskulls are gonna cost Rudy his dojo.

(both stammering)

(groans)

Here, enjoy the relaxing vibrations of this high-impact massager.

On the house.

- (drilling) - (screaming)

Ow! Ow!

He's gonna rip my head off, ma!

Ow!

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

(Kim giggles) You were awesome!

I don't think that eight-year-old is ever gonna play laser tag again.

Well, when I saw him in my sights, I said

"Kid, if you're tall enough to play, you're tall enough to eat laser."

(giggles)

We're finally gonna beat Riley from accounting

and win your company's laser tag shootout tomorrow.

There they are! My favorite father and daughter!

Oh, boy...

Mr. Crawford, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot,

so I got you a little gift.

Oh, that wasn't necessary. But thanks.

Hey, it's the tie I saw at Bergdoff's.

How did you know?

Well, I saw you go into Bergdoff's, so I kinda followed you in.

Kim. Your boyfriend is stalking me.

It's not so much stalking as following you with a borderline unhealthy interest.

Okay.

It's all a little too weird for me.

Come on, Kim, let's go.

(sighs sharply) Jack,

my father already doesn't like you.

I mean, you're making things worse. What are you doing?

I don't even know what's happening.

Kim, you gotta set me up on a second date with your dad.

You want a second date with my dad?

More than anything.

Oh. (chuckles)

Hello. Reservations?

There's no one here.

Name?

Lou.

Well, as you can see, sir, we're very busy.

Oh, look! Something just opened up.

Follow me.

Rudy, we're in trouble.

Rudy, we're in trouble.

Relax, it's not about what the food is, it's how you describe it.

Good evening.

I am your server Rudolpho.

Tonight's special is marinated seeds of the monocot plant,

with a side of oryza sativa from the pearl river valley of china.

Both: Ooh, exotic!

What is that?

It's rice with a side of rice.

I'll send over the salad boy.

Oh, salad boy!

Oh, salad-- I'm the salad boy, aren't I?

I'm going.

Some lettuce,

onions,

tomatoes, croutons...

And we toss.

(girls yell)

I'll be back with some more salad.

Oh, we would like to offer you a complimentary bottle of sparkling cider,

which I will personally select from our world-renowned cellar.

Just one second.

Rudy: No! No!

Ahh, yes!

Oh, here we are.

(chuckles) Just one second.

(cork pops)

- (clattering) - (clinking)

Shaolin treasure?

You guys aren't plumbers, are you?

(chuckles)

- Get 'em, guys! - Whoa!

(groaning)

Oh, look, mommy, they're putting on a show!

It's not a show.

Your father, the genius, has booked our vacation

in the middle of a robbery!

What?

- Why would you do that? - You've really outdone yourself...

Hey, what kind of robbery is this?

Can I get a couple of gags over here, please?

(girls chattering)

(both laugh)

- Yeah, yo! - Oh, yeah!

You made it to the final round!

Go, Crawfords!

Hey. (groans)

Everywhere I go, he's just...

there.

Dad, he's here because he's my boyfriend and I invited him.

Now be nice. I'm gonna go grab a water.

- (thud) - (groans)

Oh!

Are you okay?

I don't know. I twisted my ankle on the sensor vest.

I think I'm fine.

No, no! Not fine!

- Oh! - Not fine!

Oh no, honey, you can't compete like this.

(sighs deeply) I'll have to forfeit.

(exhales)

Riley wins again.

Are you allowed to play with a substitute?

Both: Why?

You know I still don't like you?

Yeah, I got that when you tried to shoot me.

Twice.

(Chuck groans)

Riley's behind that barrel and his son's behind that one.

And there's no way out.

Well, I'll just have to make myself hard to hit.

Whatever. No, don't go out there!

You'll never come back.

Ha-ha! We've got you now.

(power off)

Oh! (chuckles)

Look at what you did! You took your own son out, Riley!

- (laughs) - You're gonna pay for this, Crawford.

Oh--

No!

(power off)

(gasps)

You guys did it! You won!

Yes! Oh, Jack!

That was the bravest thing I have ever seen.

What do you say you, me and your... (mumbles, sighs)

...boyfriend here go out and get some pizza?

Oh, yes! (chuckling)

(giggling) Jack, you did it.

My dad finally likes you.

Okay, come on, let's go. (chuckles)

You're not wondering why I'm not limping?

No, I know you faked an injury so I could look like a hero

and bond with your dad.

Part of all this...

is this.

Wait up, chuck!

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you! ♪

(whispers) Hey.

You think they can fix the leak in the upstairs faucet?

They're not plumbers, they're thieves.

I mean, they could be both.

My father says our plumber's a thief.

We can't let them steal everything in the temple.

We gotta stop 'em.

Maybe I could help.

(both laugh)

You?

What are you gonna do, tough guy?

(girls giggling)

Listen!

He may not look like much of a man

or act like much of a man or talk like much of a man--

Whoa, I'm right here!

He just wants to make you two happy.

You should be ashamed.

Thank you, Rudy. I appreciate that.

Well, it reached a point where I was like, give this poor guy...

Lou! How did you get your hands free?

I was blessed with my mother's slim wrists.

(groans)

They're free!

They're free! Get them, guys!

(girls yelp)

Come here, you, huh!

(grunting)

- (grunts) - (groans)

(grunts)

(water splashes)

You guys all right?

Thanks to you, baby!

That was the bravest thing I've ever seen!

I'm going to call all my friends and tell them about my daddy, the hero.

(giggling, chattering)

Rudy, that was the worst vacation I've ever taken.

But your debt's forgiven and you can keep your dojo.

I think, because of you, my family's gonna look at me in a whole new light.

Lou! Get my suitcases!

We're gettin' outta here now!

Maybe not.

Coming, sunshine!

I don't remember the last time I had this much fun with someone.

You know, I feel like I can totally be myself around you.

I feel the same way, Jack.

Jack! Our movie's about to start, and we're...

Dad?

Wait. What's going on?

Kim, did, did you finish your homework?

- No, but I was gonna-- - No buts about it.

Now you go home and finish that homework right this instant, young lady.

(screaming groan)

Solid parenting, Chuck.

- Boom! - Boo-yah!

- (chuckles) - Movie?

- Popcorn's on me. - (Jack giggles)

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

(closing theme music)

Man: Poor soul.

(dog snarls, barks)

Boy: Yes!