Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

I got it! Guys, I got it!

The line at Game Player was a mile long.

I didn't get any sleep, but it was worth it.

I am the proud owner of Kung Fu Cop 77.

-Nice! -Yeah!

I know what you have to go through when there's a hot new game on the market.

I had to wait two hours when French Horn Hero came out.

There was a line for French Horn Hero?

No, there was a line of jocks waiting to see who was gonna buy it.

-Hey, guys. -All, Hey, Kim.

Yo, Eddie, I heard Stacy Weisman in your gym class really likes you.

She likes me? I'm gonna ask her out.

(scoffs) Do you even know who she is?

No. But she's a girl, and that's my type.

Don't ask me how I know, 'cause I'm not revealing my sources.

Let's just say I know people. I'm dialed in.

He accidentally walked into the girls' bathroom and heard her talking.

Whatever, Kim. My point is, I had my ear to the ground.

You had your ear to the ground because security tackled you

for being in the girls' bathroom.

Whoa, Kim, that necklace is the ugliest, creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Can I have it?

No, you can't have it!

My Aunt Francie gave me some of her jewelry from the seventies.

She's staying with us, so I have to wear it.

She calls this necklace the Dragon's Eye, and says it has magical powers.

- Oh, that's pretty cool. - Nice.

She also says she's engaged to the Paul Revere statue at the library.

- (indistinct mumbling) - (bell rings)

All right, time for gym class.

I'm gonna show Stacy Weisman what I've got.

Yeah.

-Oh! -(giggles)

My mom says I'm not gonna have these legs forever,

so baby, I'm gonna use 'em.

(theme music)

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a ball Run up the wall ♪

♪ That's just how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

(upbeat music)

Well, I got to first base with Stacy Weisman.

Huh, I told you my sources were right.

Not exactly. We were playing softball,

I asked her out, and she hit me with first base.

Turns out, she likes Steve Hubbard.

That's the guy who stole my bike.

Why do girls always go for bad boys?

Because sometimes they give them bikes that used to belong to other people.

Okay, everyone, I've not shaved in over a month.

Behold my full blown man-stache.

My Aunt Connie has a thicker man-stache.

Aw, it's cute! Like a little moldy shoelace.

Cute? This is the same mustache that Bobby Wasabi has.

It really started bushing out when I tried this.

Dr. Follicle's Hair Fertilizer is the beard and mustache grower

endorsed by lumberjacks, bikers, and rabbis.

Wow, those three groups usually don't agree on anything.

Uh, Jack? Jack! (clapping)

(clangs) Oh... sorry.

I was up all night playing Kung Fu Cop 77.

You go back in time with Bobby and play a bell-bottomed super freak.

Last night, I took out eight ninjas with one disco ball.

Wait, so now you haven't slept for two nights in a row?

Ah, so what? Let's spar, Milton.

(grunts) Whoa!

- (thuds) - (groans)

Holy Christmas nuts!

I don't know what just happened, but I think I just became a man!

(gasps) I've gotta call my father.

Jack, go to my office, lie down, and take a nap.

(scoffs) Rudy, I'm fine. Tell him, Eddie.

Oh, no, I'm Jerry. The good-looking one.

Jack, I'm not gonna let you spar. It'd be dangerous.

I'm telling you, just go to my office.

Rudy, you can't tell me what to do.

I can in this dojo. I'm your sensei, and I'm telling you to go lie down.

Fine. But while I'm in there,

I hope nothing happens to your secret stash of cashews.

(gasps)

How did you know about my secret stash of--

Oh, the cashews? Help yourself.

Whoa, Kung Fu Cop 77! It's the movie the game is based on.

Wide awake, Rudy. Not taking a nap, gonna watch a movie!

Ah.

It was the summer of '77.

A wave of crime swept the city like a giant broom of... crime.

The only thing that could save the city was a kung fu cop

and his new hard-headed rookie partner...

Get up, hairbag!

(grunts)

- Eddie? - It's Chief Eddie to you!

If I wanted to stare at a long-haired bucket of drool,

I'd go home and wake up my wife!

Now come with me.

(upbeat music)

My number one kung fu cop is waiting outside.

It's time for him to meet his new hard-headed rookie partner.

- Why are you always shouting? - It's the 70's, everything's loud!

Look at your shirt. See that? Loud!

There's Wasabi now.

(gong rings)

Bobby, this is your new partner.

- This kid's my new partner? - Yeah.

I'm a butt-kicker not a baby sitter.

I don't need a baby sitter, pops.

Who you calling pops? I'm old enough to be your father.

Oh, I see. That actually makes sense.

Now come on, punk, you want a piece of this?

Yeah, I do!

Maybe it's time somebody put you in your place! Whoo!

- Let's dance. - Come on.

(disco music)

Whoa, whoa! Back off, both of you!

This is a police dojo, not a disco.

You two better figure out a way to work together.

I'm going to lunch.

I said lunch!

You just stay out of my way, rookie.

You stay out of mine, old man.

My name is Snowflake Jones, and I've been robbed.

Hello, uh, Snowflake.

You've come to the right place, I'll help you.

My name's Jack. Check out my hair.

Usually I don't trust the fuzz, but I'm digging your vibe.

Well, I hope you keep digging.

'Cause under this vibe is a layer of groove.

(disgusted grunt)

Are you done, love train?

I'll help this helpless kitten who... lost her mitten.

This kitten has claws. Hi-yah!

So, how can we help you, ma'am?

I can take care of myself, man.

I don't need your jive time muscles, I need your badges.

Someone broke into my pad and stole my dragon's eye necklace.

Well, we dig. What does your necklace look like, sister?

Whoa, whoa, hold on, rookie. Let me show you how it's done.

What does your necklace look like, sister?

Gold link chain, round pendant with a dragon's eye in the middle.

My aunt gave it to me, and said whoever wears that necklace holds great power.

A necklace like that falls into the wrong hands, it would be a bad scene.

One, it's owner could use it to take over the world.

Two, it may not go good with their outfit.

- (gasps) - Both, Okay, we'll take the case!

No, you won't!

Come on, Chief! The Snowflake needs us.

We can't let that dragon's eye get into the wrong hands.

I'm not sending you on a wild goose chase.

Not when a wild goose just busted out of the zoo

and I need you to chase it.

Just stay away from that dragon's eye case,

or it'll mean your badges. (chomps)

Oh, wow, this is good!

I'll find the necklace myself. I thought you two had nunchucks.

Oh, we got nunchucks, sister.

(thuds)

Look, I don't care if our jobs are on the line.

This stone cold fox needs our help.

- We're in. - Hold on, punk.

I'm in charge here. And we're not in unless I say we're in.

We're in.

Groovy, baby!

Ah, if we're gonna fight crime, we need some theme music.

For once, you're right.

(romantic music)

Let me take a shot at this.

(upbeat music)

Now that's a groove I can boogie to.

(upbeat music)

This is the "Loose Lips Diner." It's where all the snitches hang out.

Yeah, I heard about this place. They got a really far out secret sauce.

It's just ketchup and mayonnaise, with a hint of paprika.

But you didn't hear it from me.

- (thuds) - Oh!

That's La Boca.

If somebody took your dragon's eye necklace, he'll know.

I'll get this bird to sing.

Come on, baby! Who's a good birdie? (whistles)

Get out of the way! La Boca.

(gasps)

(grunts)

La Boca, I know you know what I want to know,

and I want you to know that I know it. You know?

No.

- (groans) - Okay, La Boca,

you gonna play along or is my partner here gonna have to throw the book at you?

I didn't bring my throwing book. I thought you were going to bring yours.

(groans) Oh, what you doing, mami!

Listen, sucker. If my dragon's eye necklace falls into the wrong hands,

the whole world could be in danger. Can you dig it?

Okay, okay. Let me down, muscle momma, and I'll tell you what I know.

- Shh! - Shh!

Shh!

Okay, there's a hot new club downtown called The School.

Word on the street is someone has been flashing your necklace around there.

- Let's go. - Wait!

There's more. Once I start snitching, I can't stop.

You don't have to wait an hour after you eat to go swimming.

Oh, and the tooth fairy is actually just your--

La-la-la-la-la!

Get in the car, La Boca! We need you to take us to The School!

Okay, okay. But I'm gonna try and escape at the first stoplight.

Dang! Why do I love snitching so much?

(disco music)

Wow, this schoolhouse rocks!

Who are all these cats here to see?

The hero of the French horn, Milty Moondust.

He can blow notes that sound like a walrus passing gas in a steel drum.

My old lady makes the same sound

when she bends over to pick up the newspaper.

- Today's headline, Clear the Room. - (cheering)

Hello, earthlings! I bring you an interstellar groove.

(french horn music playing)

(crowd cheering)

(french horn music playing)

Look around, Snowflake. Do you see your necklace?

There's a lot of fly neck candy. But I don't see the Dragon's Eye anywhere.

Hello?

Trying to rock the house here.

I don't come to your house and interrupt you during your groovy French horn solos.

Can it, space boy. This is an important police investigation.

We're looking for the Dragon's Eye necklace.

Oh, well in that case... the show's over.

Rock and roll!

Stupid, sexy shoes!

Let's get him!

(disco music)

- Aah! - (clangs)

Okay, Milty, spill it! What are you hiding?

I can't hide anything. I'm in Spandex.

- He won't talk. - Won't he?

Sure would be horrible if something bad happened to your horn!

- (shrieking yell) - Fine, I'll talk.

I saw a dude with your necklace.

He asked me to play a private gig later at his lava lamp factory.

- If you know what's good for you-- - Oh, I do.

Vitamin C, eight hours of sleep, and leafy vegetables.

Let me finish.

If you know what's good for you, you'll take us there.

Oh, that? Yeah, sure. To my spaceship!

And by "spaceship", I mean my sister's bike.

I gotta ask. Was your partner really wasted by a French horn?

It was actually a violin.

But the French horn was pulling the strings.

(suspenseful music)

Well, well, well.

- Look what the cat dragged in. - (hisses)

Chief Eddie?

I told you two not to take this case. But you didn't listen, did you?

Chief? You're the evil mastermind?

Chief's permanently off duty. I got your necklace.

You know why? 'Cause I'm a bad boy.

Oh, you're bad all right.

And I don't mean bad meaning good like the kids have recently begun to say!

This necklace gave me the power to get everything I ever wanted,

money, women, cars, and my falcon, Toto.

Give it up, Eddie. It's a stuffed pigeon!

- (gasps) - Ha?

You've got something that belongs to this foxy mama.

You just made my mood ring turn red!

Do you mind? Battling an evil mastermind here!

We want the Dragon's Eye and we want it now!

You mean this?

- I don't think so! - (claps)

Turquoise, Cocoa,

you're about to see Big Daddy take care of some business.

- Wasabi! - (yelling and grunting)

- (yells) - (playing french horn music)

Would you stop playing? They can't fight to that.

(upbeat music)

Bobby!

(shrieking yell)

(clanking)

(yells)

- (yells) - Whoa!

- Hi-yah! - (crashes)

Snowflake, you ever think of joining the force?

It's not my bag, man.

This is one chick that can't be caged. (giggles)

Not bad for a rookie.

Pretty good for an old man.

When you two are done playing patty-cake, Eddie's getting away with my necklace!

(grunting yell)

Give it up, Eddie! Hand over the necklace.

If I can't have the Dragon's Eye, no one can!

Is it just me, or is that thing falling really slow?

(suspenseful music)

Jack, it's too dangerous. That pipe won't hold your weight.

I know what I'm doing.

Jack, I'm in charge, and I order you off that pipe!

No one tells me what to do!

- (clanks) - Jack!

Whoa!

Oh, man. He's falling slow, too!

I should have listened!

I, I should have listened!

- I should have listened! - Jack, Jack! Wake up.

(gasps) I just had the craziest dream.

You were there, and you were there, and you were there.

We all had really bad hair.

Except for you, Kim. Your hair looked kind of pretty.

Uh, thanks. I guess.

Whoa, that's weird. My mood ring just turned red.

- What? - My aunt gave it to me with the necklace.

- Where is your necklace? - I lost it. She's gonna freak out.

Jack, you feeling any better now that you got some sleep?

Yeah, you were right.

I didn't mean to disrespect you. I was just tired.

It's cool. I'm just glad you got a little rest.

Kim, I found your necklace over at Falafel Phil's.

- Oh, thanks! - And the weirdest thing,

I just bumped into Stacy Weisman, and she asked me out.

Maybe Kim's necklace does have magical powers.

Come on, guys, it's just a necklace.

It can't have magical powers, right?

(whirring)

I'm gonna go home. I think I may need some more sleep. See you, guys!

Yeah, I'm out of here, too, guys.

I'm gonna return Dr. Follicle's rip-off Hair Grower.

It's not working, huh?

Oh, it's working. Everywhere but my face.

All: Oh! Ew!

(groovy music)

(closing theme music)