All language subtitles for Intelligence s02e04.eng

[RADIO CHATTER]

CHRISTINE: Joseph,
what's the latest on IS?

Do we have any matches?

JOSEPH: Yeah, kind of. I'm having

a little bit of trouble
trying to get our software

to distinguish between times
when someone has referred

to IS, as in the Islamic State,

which is what I presume we
need to keep a record of,

versus times when they'd
simply used the word "is."

CHRISTINE: You've spent
the best part of a week

looking into all
nationwide communication

containing the word "is"?

JOSEPH: Yeah. I mean, you'd be surprised

how much it comes up.

CHRISTINE: Jerry, have
you been able to get

a cybertrace on where the Russians

might be operating from?

JERRY: Uh, well, first of all,

good morning, Chris,

uh, and no,

my only guess is that

somehow they're able to operate

even when their main server is asleep.

- JOSEPH: I'm a bit like that.
- JERRY: By the way,

has the NSA reached out

to see how I'm getting
on with all of this?

CHRISTINE: Yes, of
course. If word gets out

that a weapon designed by the NSA

is now in the hands of terrorists,

it's gonna be the biggest
humiliation since Snowden.

JERRY: Yeah, I was
asking more about, like,

did they reach out to say
hi, or... but what you said

was also super important.

CHRISTINE: Right. No.

Also, just so that you know.

as part of GCHQ's commitment

to tackling sexual
harassment and discrimination

in the workplace,
SciSec has been assigned

Hilary Bowden, who will be leading

some workshops during the day.

JERRY: Is she GCHQ?

CHRISTINE: No, but she comes recommended

by Rupert and Downing
Street and she's also

worked closely with Prince Andrew.

JERRY: Not too closely, I hope.

- CHRISTINE: And one final thing.
- [DISHES CLATTER]

One final thing. I'm
delighted to announce

that SciSec's new fire
marshal will be Evelyn.

- JOSEPH: Uhh! Was it close?
- CHRISTINE: No.

- EVELYN: What do you mean?
- CHRISTINE: Well done.

JERRY: Wait a minute. You
didn't even apply for the role?

- EVELYN: Well, no.
- JERRY: Does HR know?

CHRISTINE: It's fine. It's just
something to keep her active

and get her out of my office.

JERRY: Chris, you can't
just give that role

to your own daughter.

- CHRISTINE: Why not?
- JERRY: Well, isn't that...

what's it called when
you favor a relative?

TUVA: Incest?

CHRISTINE: If you're
accusing me of nepotism

within GCHQ, it's
probably my grandmother

you need to speak to first.

JERRY: Right. Where is she at?

CHRISTINE: Cheltenham
Cemetery. 12 across, 4 down.

MARY: Oh, it's lovely around there.

- JERRY: It's bullshit.
- CHRISTINE: If only it wasn't so obvious that

Evelyn has got the role purely on merit.

EVELYN: Sorry, got what on merit?

[CHRISTINE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

JOSEPH: Any update
from the Russians on how

your mum's getting on there?

MARY: Oh, they won't
let me speak to her.

She's very strong-willed.

She once ate a glass vase.

[CHRISTINE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

CHRISTINE: Come along.
Let's get this over with.

MARY: Yep.

JERRY: Uh, yeah, hi.

I just wanted to make sure you received

my, uh, my donation to the Women's

Progressive Liberal Library Fund.

Yes, $10,000. Great. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. How can I help you?

WOMAN: Hilary Bowden. I'll be leading

the harassment and
discrimination sessions today.

JERRY: Oh, right, right.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Well, are you a breath of fresh air.

HILARY: Oh, really? Why?

JERRY: Oh, just that you're a very...

um... um... red. You're very red.

HILARY: Heh.

Were you about to say I was attractive?

JERRY: Maybe. Would that have been OK?

HILARY: Of course. Why not?

JERRY: Well, it's just that, you know,

men like me are often... ah, never mind.

HILARY: No, go on.

JERRY: No, it's just that, you know,

being a good-looking
straight white male these days

is kind of like having a
target on your back, you know?

Anyway, um, if you need anything at all

while... while you're here, you just,

you know, give me a nudge.

I'm a big fan of your...
of your harassment...

of... anti-harass... and... your work,

and... and discrimination.

Very important.

HILARY: Well, then. Shall we?

- JERRY: No, please.
- HILARY: No, please.

[JERRY SCOFFS] OK.

Oh! Hello.

HILARY: After you.

JOSEPH: How do you feel about
sharing the fire marshal position?

- EVELYN: There's only one tabard.
- JOSEPH: Yeah, I know,

but I can always give
it a rinse in between.

EVELYN: Aren't you already
health and safety officer?

JOSEPH: Oh, yeah, I know,
but ever since Elaine

walked into that sheet of glass,

there's been nothing to do.

EVELYN: Well, what do you want me to do?

Start a fire?

HILARY: That's not really
necessary. [GIGGLES]

Good morning, everyone.

- JERRY: Good morning.
- JOSEPH: Good morning.

HILARY: As you know, my
name is Hilary Bowden.

I'm an ambassador for
CBT in the workplace.

I have experience with animals.

And I am co-creator of
the biodegradable coil.

We are stretched for time, so,

just to get the ball rolling,

I'd like to start with a general chat

about our own personal
experiences of harassment.

Would anyone like to go first?

- JERRY: Well...
- JOSEPH: [INDISTINCT]

- oh, no.
- JERRY: No.

- JOSEPH: You sure?
- JERRY: Yeah. you go.

JOSEPH: So, I often
get teased quite a lot

because of my height. I don't know if

that counts as harassment per se.

HILARY: I see. And from a psychological

point of view, does that get you down?

JOSEPH: Well, I'm a lot
closer to the ground,

if that's what... is
that what you meant?

HILARY: But do you ever
find it restricting?

JOSEPH: Oh, no. No, not... I mean,

within reason, I can fit
into any size space, so.

- HILARY: Like a squid.
- JOSEPH: Or a gas.

HILARY: And Jerry, as
the alpha of the pack,

have you always been this tall?

JERRY: Yeah, since birth.
I'm... I'm tall everywhere.

HILARY: And are you now at your
maximum height, do you think?

JERRY: Actually, I can feel
myself growing right now.

HILARY: Lovely. OK. So, I would like
to try a little bit of role play.

Mary and Joseph.

Come help me at the front here.

Um, Jerry, could you please,

chair for me, please.

- [SMACK]
- JERRY: Oh!

HILARY: OK, so, I want you to imagine

that Mary has been bullying Joseph

- for his height, say, and...
- MARY: Why?

HILARY: Well, actually,
that's a good point.

In theory, why else might we
want to make fun of Joseph?

JERRY: I don't know the
best way to say this.

The color of his skin?

- HILARY: Yes, thank you.
- CHRISTINE: His intellect.

- EVELYN: Size of his nose.
- JERRY: The way he dresses.

JOSEPH: I think that's probably enough.

JERRY: His one brow?

JOSEPH: Jerry, I think that...

HILARY: Yes, that's a
good amount of variables.

And which one of these are you

most comfortable talking about, Mary?

MARY: Oh. Probably, um... uh...

the color of his skin?

HILARY: Yes. I agree.
At least in theory,

that's certainly the most obvious.

JERRY: I don't know.
That nose is pretty big.

JOSEPH: Jerry.

HILARY: So, I want you to imagine

that you've had a run-in with Joseph

and you've ended up
saying something racist.

MARY: Do you want me to
actually say the word out loud?

HILARY: Well, do you have
a particular word in mind?

MARY: A few, yes.

Oh, but only because Mum
used to talk in her sleep.

- JOSEPH: Right.
- HILARY: Just for my write-up,

Christine, what proportion
of the office is black?

JERRY: Sorry. I believe the
correct term is African-American.

EVELYN: I think quite a lot
of the furniture is black.

Sorry. African-American.

CHRISTINE: Of course,
we have very few, if any,

African-Americans working here.

JERRY: What? How do
you get away with that?

HILARY: OK. I think that's enough.

- JOSEPH: Yeah.
- CHRISTINE: Now we can all relax.

HILARY: How did that
make you feel, Joseph?

JOSEPH: Uh... I guess it
made me feel a bit more white.

JERRY: Hilary, given that I
hang out with Joseph so much,

does that mean I can never
be accused of being a racist?

HILARY: OK, well, let's
break that down, shall we?

Does your friendship with Joseph

ever feel like a conscious decision?

- JOSEPH: Absolutely.
- JERRY: Never.

- JOSEPH: Oh.
- JERRY: I mean, a little bit of both.

HILARY: It's not an act
of pity or self-defense?

JOSEPH: How would it be
an act of self-defense?

HILARY: Well, perhaps
it makes Jerry feel

more powerful, surrounding himself

- with people of color.
- EVELYN: Like in "Moana."

- HILARY: Yeah.
- JERRY: No, I'd never do that.

That's not to say I don't feel
powerful around you, buddy,

but I think anyone would.

JOSEPH: Hmm.

[NO AUDIO]

HILARY: OK, so, this next bit's
actually taken from my latest book.

It's just a scenario that
I'd like you to mull over

before we break for lunch.

Now, what if Jerry invited
Joseph over to his house?

TUVA: He's staying in a hotel.

HILARY: OK, so, imagine he
invites him over to his hotel

- and cooks him a delicious...
- TUVA: Doesn't have a kitchen.

JERRY: Well, let's just
assume it's a suite.

I'm sure they'd upgrade me if I asked.

JOSEPH: Couldn't you just
use the hotel kitchen?

EVELYN: That was going
to be my question.

- Christine:
- JESUS. JERRY: No, I don't want

to hang out with those guys.

I'm trying to cook Joseph a
nice, romantic children's meal.

HILARY: The point is,
Jerry ends up cooking Joseph

a really big, vibrant curry.

CHRISTINE: You wrote a book about this?

- JOSEPH: I quite like curry.
- JERRY: Oh, there you go. See?

HILARY: The question is,
though, is that racist?

JERRY: No way. I'm just using up

all the ingredients I had left over.

EVELYN: I thought that was pancake day.

HILARY: But is this a sign that we have

preconceived ideas of people?

JERRY: No. I'm just trying to
cook my best friend in London...

- JOSEPH: Cheltenham.
- JERRY: Cheltenham his favorite meal.

- JOSEPH: I never said it was my favorite.
- HILARY: See?

JERRY: Yeah, but I'd do
the same for... for anyone.

I mean, apart from Tuva, maybe.

TUVA: Why? What would you cook for me?

JERRY: I'm imagining
a more fragrant, spicy,

kind of noodle thing.

CHRISTINE: Surely that's time.

- JERRY: With a side of crickets.
- TUVA: The fuck?

MARY: Are we not doing
the bit in the role play

where I call Joseph a...

JERRY: Wow.

CHRISTINE: Phones off.

- Up. Move.
- EVELYN: Oh, what? God.

Look at you.

- JERRY: Move up.
- JOSEPH: Yeah.

JERRY: Hilary just
grabbed my junk again.

JOSEPH: What? Why?

JERRY: Maybe it's some kind of game,

like a perverted version of Bop It.

Whatever it is, I think she's winning.

JOSEPH: Are you gonna say something?

JERRY: I don't know. I mean,

what if she's just really into me?

JOSEPH: What if she's not?

JERRY: Well, then I'm gonna tell on her.

JOSEPH: To Chris?

MARY: What's going on?

JOSEPH: Oh, just tell her
Hilary grabbed Jerry's crotch

and he wants to tell Chris.

- MARY: Oh.
- JOSEPH: Pass it on.

MARY: Something about
Jerry and Chris's crotch.

I didn't really catch it.

- TUVA: You caught something?
- MARY: I don't know,

but we all have to pass it on.

- TUVA: Jerry's got an STD.
- EVELYN: What?

- TUVA: Pass it on.
- EVELYN: Ew. No. Gross.

Jerry's got syphilis again.

[JERRY MOUTHING WORDS]

HILARY: It's sexual harassment time.

What I want to examine is what's
acceptable in the workplace,

what's unacceptable, and
ultimately, what's illegal.

- JERRY: Yeah, me, too.
- HILARY: Can anyone give me

an example of something that's
illegal in the workplace?

TUVA: Homicide.

HILARY: Yes, but I'm particularly
interested in those muddier areas.

Who uses kisses at the
end of their emails?

And how does everyone
else feel about that?

- CHRISTINE: How do you think?
- JERRY: The only thing that bothers me

is when the whole email is just a kiss.

- HILARY: Even the subject line?
- JERRY: Yeah, there's like kisses just everywhere.

JOSEPH: Yeah, in my defense

I think a lot of those
were group emails.

CHRISTINE: They were. Joseph: Yeah.

EVELYN: Why haven't I
received one of them?

JOSEPH: I don't know. You'd have
to check your mailbox settings.

- EVELYN: OK.
- MARY: I sometimes use hugs at the end of my emails.

JERRY: What's a hug?
JOSEPH: Kind of like...

JERRY: No. Get off. No, I mean

how do you write a hug in email?

MARY: Oh. Well, I
type a big capital "O,"

or I use open and closed brackets.

HILARY: Just to offer you
my professional opinion,

and I'd say the same to the royals,

I'd worry that might look a
little like an entranceway.

MARY: Oh. What, like
I'm inviting someone in?

- JERRY: Yeah, baby.
- JOSEPH: That's not allowed.

- JERRY: What? "Yeah, baby"?
- JOSEPH: Yeah.

JERRY: Oh, come on.
It's harmless, isn't it?

It's just like two words.

TUVA: So is "sugar tits."

- JERRY: Thank you.
- HILARY: Christine, how do you

usually sign off your emails?

- Would you ever use a kiss?
- CHRISTINE: No.

I only ever sign off with an
"X" if I want that person killed.

HILARY: Hmm. Tony Blair does that.

EVELYN: Is that why you
keep doing that to me?

CHRISTINE: No. If I wanted you killed,

I'd probably just do it in your sleep.

EVELYN: Oh, my gosh.

HILARY: So, one
additional thing I'm keen

to examine within these sessions

is the degree to which

our decisions are affected

by unconscious bias.

JERRY: I wouldn't know.

HILARY: Exactly. So,

the best way I like to test this

is by imagining that
the building is on fire

and working out who
you would save first.

- JOSEPH AND JERRY: Jerry.
- MARY: Quentin.

- TUVA: Joseph.
- EVELYN: Mum.

- CHRISTINE: Mary.
- MARY: Oh!

- CHRISTINE: You're the lightest.
- MARY: Hmm.

HILARY: Well, no, try and
ignore all other factors.

So, let's pretend that you're Superman

and therefore, the size and weight

of an individual isn't important.

So, assuming you're Superman, Jerry,

would Mary be your first choice as well?

JERRY: Uh, I'm not sure.

I'd be worried about her wig

catching fire and damaging my cape.

- MARY: That's not a wig.
- EVELYN: What about me?

JERRY: Oh, well, you'd
be OK for a few hours

in your mom's glass box up there.

- TUVA: Not if it melts.
- EVELYN: Oh, Tuva.

HILARY: Chris, I'm sure you'd want

to save Evelyn at some point.

CHRISTINE: Well, I wouldn't want
to be accused of nepotism, would I?

EVELYN: So, you'd
rather I burned to death?

JOSEPH: To be honest, I don't think
any of this would have happened

if I'd have been made fire
marshal in the first place.

HILARY: So, what we actually recommend

as a way of avoiding unconscious
bias within this scenario

is to save people,

but in alphabetical order.

JERRY: Oh. Great.

HILARY: Starting with you, Christine.

- JERRY: What?
- HILARY: Followed by Evelyn.

- EVELYN: Great.
- HILARY: And it would be me...

Hilary... if I happened to be around.

CHRISTINE: Yes, what a
shame you're only here

for one day of the year.

- JOSEPH: Like Santa Claus.
- MARY: Or a smear test.

JOSEPH: Yes.

HILARY: What I want to look at now

is physical interaction.

Now, I will warn you that some
of this is quite sensitive, but

I did try some of these techniques out

at a COBRA meeting last week,

so, they are perfectly safe.

Ah, Jerry, do you mind joining
me at the front, please?

So, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to demonstrate

how to hug a colleague the correct way

from a legal point of view.

OK, so, here we go.
And 1, 2, and then off.

Now, if you want to put a bit of force

back into your pushback, just to prove

there's no agenda there,
that's absolutely fine.

But what if your colleague

has just witnessed something horrendous

on the web and you feel

like a longer hug is necessary?

So, you might want to go for a...

a 1, 2, 3, and then...

JERRY: Jesus.

HILARY: OK? So, why don't
we all give that a go?

MARY: Hold on to my hand.

1... 1.

HILARY: Be careful. She's ancient.

JOSEPH: Give me a hug.

CHRISTINE: OK, here? Here?

- That was awkward, actually.
- EVELYN: Yeah.

HILARY: On the count
of 3, I want you to all

arrange yourselves in order

of who you feel is most likely

to be taken advantage of.

1, 2, 3, go.

Fantastic. Now, please sit back down.

- JERRY: Ah, I have a question.
- HILARY: Sure.

JERRY: What if someone were to,

I don't know, say,

grab your ass or your crotch.

Would I report that as
sexual harassment or...

HILARY: Or what?

JERRY: Or would I

correctly interpret that

as someone having

extremely strong feelings for me?

HILARY: I wouldn't have thought so, no.

JERRY: Really?

Then why is that person

going around grabbing people's crotches?

HILARY: I guess because it
makes them feel powerful,

especially when they know

that no one will ever
believe the other party.

JERRY: What? Why would they do that?

I mean, that's totally fucked up.

HILARY: I know, but sadly,

it's what the science shows us

again and again.

JERRY: OK. For those of you who
don't know what's going on here...

Hilary grabbed my crotch

and my tush earlier, multiple times.

HILARY: OK, so, now might be a good time

to look at how best to
deal with both accusations.

- JERRY: What?
- HILARY: Mary, do you mind joining us, please?

JERRY: Wait, no, hold
it. This is bullshit.

- She's lying.
- HILARY: So, Jerry,

what I want you to
do is just demonstrate

what you believe happened

as part of a role play.

JERRY: Fine. On you or... or Mary?

MARY AND HILARY: On Mary.

JERRY: Uh... mm. No-no.

No-no, I... no,

I'm not falling for this.

There might be a trap.

HILARY: Mary, is it a trap?

MARY: I don't think so.

No one's ever called it that before.

HILARY: And what if it
were the other way around?

JERRY: What, like, I grab her ass?

HILARY: What if she were to grab you?

- MARY: Now?
- JERRY: No!

HILARY: Whenever you're ready.

JERRY: Mary, what the fuck?

Isn't someone gonna say something?

MARY: Sorry, are we
still in the role play?

- HILARY: Yes.
- JERRY: No!

JOSEPH: I'm really confused.

CHRISTINE: Great. Are we done?

- HILARY: Mary, thank you.
- JERRY: What...

what... are you all just
gonna sit there? Chris!

CHRISTINE: I'm sorry. I was miles away.

HILARY: And what Jerry's doing
here is pretending to object.

- JERRY: No, I'm not.
- EVELYN: Uh, that's really clever.

JERRY: Why would I do that?

HILARY: To demonstrate what
happens when someone cries wolf.

JERRY: I'm not... I'm
not crying wolf, OK?

It really happened.

TUVA: That's exactly what the boy said.

JERRY: Well, I'm being
serious this time.

- HILARY: He said that, too.
- JOSEPH: Oh, I get it.

So, you and Hilary are in cahoots.

- HILARY: Yes.
- JERRY: What? No!

CHRISTINE: Wonderful. A happy finish.

HILARY: And, of course, the sad
thing about a false accusation is

not only does it make
the individual look stupid

but it also undermines those cases

where someone has
genuinely been harassed.

JERRY: I have been harassed.

Joseph, when I came back in here,

what's the first thing I said to you?

- JOSEPH: Move up.
- JERRY: No, after that.

JOSEPH: Uh, that you think
she's really into you.

- JERRY: No, not that.
- EVELYN: That you've got syphilis?

- JERRY: Yeah... no. What?
- JOSEPH: Is that what you said?

I must've misheard.

JERRY: No. No. OK.

I'm genuinely starting to think

that you guys are all in on this.

HILARY: Well, it is
common for men like you

to try and play the victim.

JERRY: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Did
you just say "men like me"?

What, you don't think men
like me can get harassed?

Well, then you don't
know about the time...

HILARY: Wonderful. And we're
out of it. [SNAPS FINGERS]

- CHRISTINE: Fantastic.
- JERRY: Wait... no, no.

you can't... you can't just do that.

And we're back in. [SNAPS FINGERS]

HILARY: Time's up, I'm afraid, Jerry.

JERRY: OK. Oh... you know what?

No. You were right.

JOSEPH: You do have syphilis?

JERRY: No. I mean, we're in cahoots.

- JOSEPH: Oh.
- JERRY: Hilary and I have been in cahoots the whole time.

I mean, this whole
thing has been planned.

Her grabbing my junk was planned.

Her grabbing my... my
back thingy was planned.

Um, this... this was
planned right there.

That's planned. Yeah. And this.

This was planned. And this is planned.

And this is planned.

And we're out of it. [SNAPS FINGERS]

HILARY: [PUFF]

JERRY: No! What? Hi. Yes.

HILARY: Just so you know,

I won't be pressing charges.

JERRY: Thank you. Me, neither.

I just have to attend a
3-day anti-harassment course.

HILARY: Yes, me, too. See you there.

JERRY: Oh.

NOEL COWARD: ? Hurray, hurray, hurray ?

? Misery's on the way ?

? There are bad times
just around the corner ?

? There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky ?

? It's as clear as crystal ?

? From Bridlington to Bristol ?

? That we can't save democracy ?

? And we don't much care ?

? We'd better all learn the lyrics ?

? Of the old "Red Flag" ?

? And wait until we drop down dead ?

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