Original subtitles

(BUBBLING)

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail School's out, ring the bell!

-(BARKING) -Woof! (CHUCKLES)

Hello, police? I have to report a robbery...

because Pamela Hamster has stolen my heart.

Oh, Milo, you're too adorable.

Ever since we met on the set of my show in Hamsterwood,

I have never felt more complete.

That's right, baby. I'm your number-one hamster.

And there's nothing, uh, fishy about me...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) ...because I'm a hamster.

(MILO AND PAMELA KISS)

Oh, barf-o-rama!

You'd better clean off my computer this time, Milo.

-Meh. -(GROANS)

I can't believe Pamela still thinks he's a hamster.

How long is he going to keep this up?

Oh, Oscar, leave your brother alone. Look how happy they are.

Oh, Milo, I have a surprise for you.

-Oh, it's a go-kart, right? -Um, no.

I just finished filming my hit hamster channel show,

The Hamsters of Hamsterly Place,

and now I have some time off.

Okay, okay. Get to my go-karts!

I was thinking

I could come visit you and see where you live.

(GASPS) Hold up!

See, see me? See my place?

Isn't talking like this enough? Why you got to be so needy, girl?

Oh. Well, I thought you'd want to see me.

-No, it's, it's just that... -Hey, Pamela.

Well, if it isn't my handsome co-star and teen heart-throb,

Sterling Hamsterton.

How about we practice reading some lines this weekend?

-Perhaps over dinner? -(GASPS)

Well, Sterling, I was going to see my boyfriend,

but I guess he's too busy.

Too busy... tidying up my place for your visit.

So why don't you just cruise on down to my...

uh, renovated fish condo in Fish Downtown

and, you know, come check it out?

Fish Downtown? Really? Fish are so weird, Pamela.

They breathe out of holes out of their necks.

And you know what they smell like?

-Fish. -Oh my gosh, Milo! Is that true?

Pssh! Relax, girl. Don't listen to this lame-o. (LAUGHS)

-So, what do you say? -I'll be right over.

This is going to be awful!

Milo, are you crazy?

How could you invite Pamela Hamster here?

What was I supposed to do?

That Sterling Hamster dude was about to take off with my lady.

Huh, that guy with... with, you know, his long, flowing hair

and movie-star-good looks and "dreamy eyes,"

The way the sun glistens off his rippling pectoral muscles in the sun.

Milo, that's ridiculous.

Pamela loves you for who you are. Just tell her the truth.

No way, Bea!

Look, Pamela fell in love with Milo the hamster,

not the fish.

Look, if she finds out the truth, it'll be over.

I've finally met the girl of my dreams.

I can't lose her now. You guys gotta help me.

Though I do not agree with the lying, I will support your love for Pamela.

-(SQUEALS) -At least until it spirals out of control,

which it probably will.

-Whoo-hoo! That's the spirit! -(DOORBELL RINGING)

She's already here! Oh, oh, oh!

Quick, quick, put these on and follow my lead.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Milo: (SING-SONG) Who is it? -(CRASHING)

It's me, Milo. I came as discreetly as I could.

(ENGINE WHINING)

(SING-SONG) Just a second!

-Milo? -Baby Bear!

Snuggle cakes!

Ew. Milo, why are you all wet?

Uh, I just... uh, just stepped out of the shower. Come on in.

Wow! This is the fanciest downtown loft I have ever seen.

Gravel floors? (LAUGHS) How random is that?

Plastic plants? Where am I? Fish Buckingham Palace?

It's like real fish live here. It even smells like it too.

(SNIFFS) For real?

I wonder where all the fish are.

Sterling Hamsterton said to watch out for them.

He says they're so weird and random.

Well, there's nothing weird or random here. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

-Right, my normal hamster friends? -That's right!

Nothing but us normal hamsters here.

(ALL LAUGH NERVOUSLY) Eyes!

So, these must be your friends, Milo?

What? No! H-how could you tell? Oh, the jig is up!

I'm ruined, I'm ruined!

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that Milo!

Always putting on a show.

-Hi, I'm Bea. -And this is my brother Oscar.

I... I don't know about this, Milo.

What about my fear of fur and hamsters?

Oh, my gosh, you're Milo's brother?

Uh... Uh-huh.

-So great to fur you. -Wh... What?

-You both look so furry together. -F... F... Fur?

-(DEEP VOICE) Come here and give me a hug. -(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS) I gotta go!

-It was nice to meet you. -I'll be right back.

Don't leave yet! I just need you to do one more thing.

Pwease?

Okay, Milo. What is it?

It's easy. Here's what we're going to do.

You guys set the scene for a romantic dinner

and I'm going to get rid of anybody who might blow our cover.

How are you going to do that?

No one can resist an awesome party!

-Pamela, baby? -Yes, Pookie-bear?

Ah, I'm going to run out for a second and get some fresh shavings, all right?

See you later. Love you, bye.

Everybody, can I have your attention?

There is an awesome party happening a couple of tanks that way.

Just follow the directions on these conveniently printed flyers

-that I'm handing out. -"Cinco De Milo"?

-Awesome" -(GRUNTS)

-Everyone's invited! -(SHRIEKS)

MILO: Even you, Mr. Baldwin.

STICKLER: (OVER P.A.) Attention, students.

There is an awesome party in progress.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Fishington, gussy up that mug.

We're going to a party. Whoo!

-CLAMANTHA: Will there be a piñata? -I think that's everyone.

(SCREAMS)

(PANTS)

Whoo-hoo.

Sugarplum, you ready for our magical hamster date?

Oh, Milo, you're so random.

(BOTH CHITTERING)

(SINGING) You and me out on the town

I sure do like having you around

What can I say?

You take my breath away

Let's play all day

And over there is my school, where I get eight hours of sleep a day.

Oh, Milo, you have such a cool neighborhood.

-Well, I'm glad you like it. -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

One second. Hello?

All right, bro, the restaurant is ready. Ah!

Not a moment too soon.

I was starting to run out of tanks to smash.

-OSCAR: Wait, what? -Nothing. We'll be right over.

-Milo, what were you saying about the... -(PHONE BEEPS)

(NERVOUS LAUGHS) I'm going to put food in you now.

Milo lied. This is not an awesome party.

I concur. The dip-to-chip ratio is all wrong.

Ándale, ándale! Let's vámonos!

Look! All the tanks have been smashed and drained!

(SCREAMS) Someone should call the police!

We know who's responsible for this.

Milo, this is so romantic!

-Even I'm impressed. -Dinner is served.

-Your food pellets, madame. -Everything is perfect.

Milo, I don't ever want this to end...

so, I've decided to move next door.

-ALL: Huh? -That way I won't ever have to leave!

Milo, you said this was just for one day.

(STAMMERS) So we just need to do this, like, every day.

-There he is! -Huh?

-What's going on here? -Milo? Milo the fish?

-(HANDCUFFS CLICKING) -POLICEFISH: You're under arrest

for the destruction and draining of the tanks

as well as failure to throw an awesome party.

No, you have the wrong person. That's my boyfriend, Milo the hamster.

No, Pamela, they're right. I really am a fish. (GRUNTS)

Milo! But why?

I did it because I thought you'd leave me if you found out I was a fish.

MILO: Look, I love you, Pamela Hamster.

And if that's so wrong, then, officer, take me away.

Wait, Milo.

I have a confession to make too. I'm really...

a gerbil!

(GASPS) You've been lying to me this whole time?

I love you for who you are.

And you love me for who I are.

We can be ourselves now.

It, it is true love! I see it now.

-Aw, there, there, Oscar. -(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

Oh, how could we be mad at true love?

All right, Milo, we'll let you go.

Yeah! Hot dog!

ALL: Aw!

BOTH: And we lived happily ever after.

-(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) -Did you hear that?

Pamela? Pamela, thank goodness we found you.

-Sterling said you might be here. -S'up?

What is that horrible fish smell?

Anyway, you're wanted on the set of your new movie,

Hamster School Musical, in five minutes. I'll wait for you in the chopper.

What is that awful fish smell? It's making my eyes water.

Don't worry, I'll take good care of her.

Pamela!

Milo, I'll call you tonight, okay?

Pamela!

What are you going to do now?

Well, you can fix all the tanks you broke.

Here. Now get gluing.

It was all worth it. And I'd do it again.

Like the sun above, ours is a love that won't quit.

Oh, Milo, that is so sweet.

Uh, Milo, I think you're going to need a little more glue than that.

(GLASS SMASHING)

(BEEPING)

(CAT YOWLS)

You sure you want to watch this, Milo?

I mean, you know how you get with scary movies.

Relax, girl. I got this. I'm a big boy.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOLF HOWLING)

-Good night, Jimmy. -Good night, Dad.

Oh, and just one more thing, Jimmy, try not to fall asleep, little guy.

JIMMY'S DAD: I heard that there are going to be some

fish brain parasites around tonight.

Okay, Dad.

(PARASITE GIGGLES)

(JIMMY SNORES)

Son, is everything okay? I heard a noise.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, no! Fish brain parasites!

Why did you fall asleep, Jimmy?

Why?

Yes, it's definitely fish brain parasites.

Poor Jimmy shows all the signs.

You can tell because no matter what you do to him,

he will show no emotion, no reaction.

Hmm, I'm not convinced. Let me try.

-(GRUNTS) -(CRASHING)

-Settle down, Louis. -(PANTS)

You're right, no reaction. Hmm, what do we do?

Don't fall asleep. You hear me? Don't fall asleep!

-(SNORES) -Louis? Louis? Wake up, Louis!

(PARASITE GIGGLES)

Curse you, fish brain parasites!

(SCREAMS)

That movie was the worst.

I wanted to watch Eat, Swim, Float, but no.

I'm giving it a bad review right now.

-It's late, Milo. I'm off. -Wait! You're going to bed?

Sure. I need my eight hours of beauty sleep.

This doesn't just happen magically.

I'm gonna hit the hay too, bro.

But we can't go to sleep. It's not safe!

-That was a movie. -I know... Kinda.

But look, the night is still young.

I think we should just stay up and do something fun...

(GASPS) Like puzzles!

-Good night. -Good night.

Don't leave me.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Morning, brother dearest!

Whoa, dude. Did you sleep?

-Did you sleep? -The best sleep of my life.

MILO: Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

-Ow! Milo! -Your response is still normal.

The F.B.Ps must not have gotten you yet.

F.B.Ps?

Fish brain parasites.

Are you still hung up on that lame movie?

-Milo! -Keep that thing open.

They get you when you sleep.

Stay close, toots. It's a war zone out there.

Oh, my stars and garters.

(BELL RINGING)

Hey, Oscar.

Hey, Mi... Whoa! What happened to you?

Dingus here didn't sleep because he thought that stupid movie was real.

-(WHISPERS) It is real. -That silly movie?

-Ow! Milo! -Sorry, Bea. Protocol.

I have to assume the F.B.Ps have infected you until proven otherwise.

-F.B.Ps? -Fish brain parasites.

Oh, my stars and garters.

-Hey, Shellsea! -Hey.

Milo, I'm gonna pretend you didn't just stick your finger in my face.

She's not showing any emotion. She... She's infected!

Oh, who else did they get?

Let's get down to the old business of learning.

Milo, sit.

MR. BALDWIN: Just ignore it. He'll stop eventually.

Or not.

No emotion!

-Infectious goo! -It's just allergies.

And you...

What?

Bea, Oscar, meet me in our secret hideout, stat! Badoo!

Uh, I didn't know we had a secret hideout.

-We don't. -Oh.

Well, where do you think he went?

-Let's try the cafeteria. He loves food. -(AIRHORN BLARING)

MILO: You stay away from me, you fish brain parasites!

-(AIRHORN BLARING) -Yep, there he is.

(SLURPING)

-Everyone, stay awake! -(BLARING)

Well, darn my socks, I think he's really lost it.

-What? -I said I think he's lost it!

-(BLARING CONTINUES) -I see your mouth moving,

but no words come out!

Wait, you can't hear anything so I can say anything?

-What? -I said...

your hair smells like a strawberry dream

-and your lips... -(BLARING STOPS)

-What were you saying about my lips? -Nothing! (LAUGHS)

Uh, Milo needs our help.

-Milo, please, you have to stop. -Yeah, Milo. This is getting ridiculous.

-I can't stop. They could be anywhere. -(BLARING)

Thank you for the green tea and broccoli smoothie, lunch lady Eelia.

De nada.

Better drink up before it melts.

Ah! Now I feel as cool as a cucumber.

I think I need to put on some groovy shades

to match my new attitude. (GIGGLES)

Whoops. I giggled so hard my wig fell off.

(GIGGLES)

-Greetings, friends. -(SQUEALS)

BEA AND OSCAR: Hey, Albert.

That's no Albert. That’s a fish brain p... p... p... p... p... p...

-P... p... -P... p... p... p...

-P... p... -P... p... p... p?

Papas?

-P... p... p... p... -Milo, use your words.

Parasite!

Milo, are you having a pooh-pooh day?

Maybe you need a high-five to lift your spirits.

Oh, no, you're not touching me or my friends.

Actually, you know what, Albert?

I think a cheery high-five would do us all some good. Zerp.

Bea, no! Oscar, Bea just got infected!

Or maybe you're infected with the crazy.

-ALBERT AND OSCAR: Zerp! -(GASPS) I have no friends left!

I'm your friend, Milo. Zerp, zerp, zerp, zerp. (GIGGLES)

-You are not my friend. -ALBERT: Zerp, zerp, zerp, zerp, zerp.

-(MILO SCREAMS) -(ALBERT GIGGLES)

Come on, Milo, you can't leave a man hanging.

I'm going to raise those spirits if it's the last thing I do.

(PANTS)

(GIGGLES)

I'm gonna get ya. Where are you?

Come here, Milo.

(GIGGLES)

Phew.

-Milo! -(SCREAMS)

You'll never take me alive!

-(SPLASHING) -CLAMANTHA: Why?

-(SCREAMS) -(GIGGLES)

(GROANS)

(GIGGLES)

Milo, where are you?

ALBERT: Milo? Zerp, zerp. (GIGGLES)

(PANTS) I gotta... I gotta find cover fast.

-(HEAVY BREATHING) -STICKLER: Ahem.

Principal Stickler! You're never going to believe me,

but fish brain parasites have taken over the school!

You're right, Milo, I do not "blieve" you,

But I believe you.

So you understand what we're up against.

And not only have they taken over people's minds,

but they started to steal my stuff.

My keys, my wallet, my orangutan.

According to the Doohickey Talky Show,

there's only one way we can get rid of these parasites.

I have discovered the great weakness of the fish brain parasites.

Once they are exposed to air,

parasites leave their hosts' bodies and go back to their planets.

(ALL CHEER)

So, what are we going to do?

We have to drain all the water from the tank.

-But how? -Pull my spine.

-(LAUGHS) What? -It's not what you think.

(WHIRRING)

-(HYDRAULICS HISS) -Wow!

This place is tricked out!

STICKLER: (CHUCKLES) I will take that as a compliment.

I built this secret bunker so I'd have a place

to get away from that battle axe Fishington.

Now, when I push this button, we're going to drain

all the water from the tank and save everyone

from those darn fish brain parasites.

Prepare for air.

Dinosaur boy, you begin the countdown.

Fifty, 49, 48, 47,

forty-six, 45, 44, 43, 42,

-Forty-one, 40, 39... -(ALARM BLARING)

(CLAMANTHA YELPS)

(RUMBLING)

(SCREAMS)

MR. BALDWIN: Everyone, just do what we practiced in crisis class. Ready?

(ALL SCREAM)

Hmm, there's something wrong with the atmosphere.

(YELLING)

(ALL COUGH)

Ah, and now the parasites will leave their bodies.

ALBERT: (WHEEZES) Water!

-(GLASS SMASHING) -We did it!

-The parasite is dead! -We're heroes!

And I want my keys back, you green Jackalopes!

-(SQUEALS) -What are you doing?

Milo, enough is enough! Fish are dying out here!

No need to thank me. (CHUCKLES) You guys would have done the same.

Mission accomplished, dinosaur boy.

Let's cork it back up and move on to third period.

And that's how I became the hero of the school.

-The end. -Right.

So, Milo, that's why we're not going to let you see scary movies anymore, okay?

Aw, man.

But we got you something even better!

OSCAR: Rainbow Pony Picnic Land 2.

(GASPS) Oh, boy!

And we all know there's nothing scary about ponies.

(ALL LAUGH)

-It's so true. -So true.

Puffy little tails.

-(PONIES GIGGLE) -P... p... p... p... p... ponies!

Check it out, Mouse. I've got everything I need to be famous...

Sunglasses, a sweet hairdo, and the one thing every celebrity needs:

a tiny pet to put in my purse.

What? You don't have a tiny pet in there.

-Sure I do. Take a look. -Hey!

MAN: Over here! We love you Snake! You're beautiful!

Take a look at this.

Aw, what's wrong with you people? She's a snake in a wig.

-Now, now, that's enough, Fifi. -MOUSE: (MUFFLED) Hey, let me outta here!

-MAN: We love you, snake! -WOMAN: Over here!

MOUSE: Come on!

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