Original subtitles

(BUBBLING)

(SINGING) One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell!

La la la la

Ooh

La la la la

Ooh

La la la la

Ooh

La la la la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell!

-(SNORING) -(MOTORCYCLE REVS)

Whee!

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, welcome back to Secret Teen Witch Hamster,

only on Hamster Channel.

All right, magic hamster mirror,

this spell should totally clear up my acne before my first day of school tomorrow.

Oh, no! I shrunk myself by mistake.

Well, you're always saying you'd like to lose a little weight.

(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Ugh, what is this show, Milo?

Okay, it's about a hamster who has magical powers for some reason,

and then she uses her special powers to face the greatest challenge of all...

(WHISPERS) high school.

Ooh, sounds compelling.

You know, we don't get the Hamster Channel at my house.

Yeah well, you're not missing much.

Hamsters just... they creep me out.

All that fur, those beady little eyes

and their bathroom is everywhere.

-It's disgusting. -Aw, I think they're kinda cute.

Yeah, and besides, this is Pamela Hamster,

the finest hamster actress of her generation!

Science class is so random!

(LAUGH TRACK PLAYS)

Ooooh!

Oooh, Milo!

You like her.

Shhh. What?!

What? I don't know what you're

(SINGSONG VOICE) talking about. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

You do, bro. It's so obvious.

And so, what if I do?

She's the exact same age as us.

-Wait wait wait, what? -Uh-oh.

We're the same age

and she already has her own TV show?

My whole life I've strived

toward becoming a famous and celebrated actress.

I'm hard-working.

I'm alluring.

MALE VOICE: Caliente!

But I don't have anything to show for it.

I guess the only explanation is that...

(CRASHING NOISE)

I'm a terrible actress.

(SOBS)

Bea, don't be upset. You're very talented.

-Isn't that right, Milo? -What?

Bea, I'm no wizard who can predict the future,

but I know you will have your own awesome TV show someday.

Uh, why wait for someday?

Look, I'm gonna call the Hamster Channel right now

and tell them to give you your own show.

Oh, could you please?

No, Milo, it doesn't work like that.

(IMITATES PHONE DIALING)

Hello? Is this the head of the Hamster Channel?

-(CHATTERING ON PHONE) -Can you give my friend a TV show?

She's the most talented fish actress in the entire galaxy!

-(CHATTERING ON PHONE) -Uh-huh.

-Okay well, thank you very much. -(CALL DISCONNECTED)

Oh my gosh, what did he say?

Bea, you're totally gonna be on TV!

Nobody gets to be on TV just from making a phone call.

He was so excited she was a fish

that he said we have to come there right away.

Get your acting gills ready,

because we are going to...

Hamsterwood.

Whoooo!

(CHITTER)

Oh my gosh, I'm totally nervous.

MALE VOICE: Ugh, what is that horrible fish smell?

It's like something crawled up and died...

Oh hey, Bea, I'm so glad you could make it.

I have to say, you are just as Milo described you.

You are indeed a fish.

(CHUCKLES) Come on, I'll show you around.

We have many original, fresh and exciting projects

going on here at Hamster Studios.

That's where we shoot Secret Teen Witch Hamster.

Oooh-hoo!

And here's the green room where you'll be waiting

until it's time for you to go on.

Feel free to grab a snack or build a little nest if you want.

I'll be back in a bit to grab you when we're ready to shoot.

Can somebody please do something about that horrible fish smell?

I can't believe I'm in a real TV green room.

(GASPS) I wonder how many famous actors have sat in this very spot before me.

Pretty glamorous, huh, Oscar?

I guess. But I still think it's strange that he's giving you a show

just because Milo asked him to.

Wait a minute, where is Milo?

(LAUGHS)

MILO: Hmmm, "Hamsters only."

Hmmm.

Hamster salute, fellow hamster.

Whew.

Girl, you've been awful quiet today.

What's the matter now?

Oh, Yolanda,

it's just that all the boys I meet here in Hamsterwood are the same.

I wish I could find someone who really gets me,

someone unique.

Oh, sweetheart, you just hold your head up high.

Remember there's a lid for every pot.

(SIGHS)

I know something that'll impress her for sure.

Ahem.

Um, hi.

Shhh!

Ta-da!

Oh, my goodness.

I don't know what it is about you,

but I can already tell you're not like any other hamster I've ever met.

(ROMANTIC THEME PLAYING)

(MONKEY SCREECHING, HEART BEATING)

Bea, do you even know anything about the show you're gonna be on?

Well, uh, no. Not really.

But they probably knew I was perfect for the part

the second they heard about me.

'Cause I am.

Perfect.

Okay well, I think I'm just gonna get out of here.

What?

I can't believe you're not supporting me!

This is what I've always dreamed of.

Well, not the part with the hamster droppings

in the corner of the room.

But being on a TV show!

I do wanna support you, but...

-(PHONE RINGS) -Hang on, it's Milo.

Hey, where are you?

Dude, you are never gonna believe what happened.

(GIGGLES)

You're what?

-Is everything okay? -Milo is dating Pamela Hamster.

Awww!

PRODUCER: No, I don't wanna go back in there. Have you smelled those two?

Bea, it's time for you to head to the stage.

Milo, get back here right now.

I'm about to become (SINGSONG VOICE) famous!

-Wait, Bea... -(DOOR CLOSES)

Good luck.

-Ah, Milo! -Pamela gave me a ride back to the studio.

She said she has another show she has to shoot. I just love her.

Yeah, but why are you dressed like a... Never mind.

Let's just watch Bea on TV.

Hi, I'm your host, Pamela Hamster.

(CHEERING)

Oh ho ho, sweet!

Pamela and Bea are gonna be on the same show.

Welcome to I Dares Ya,

the show where we pay you real hamster money

for just doing things you probably shouldn't.

Now our next contestants come to us

all the way from Hamstercleveland, Ohio.

Please, welcome Greg and Nancy.

(APPLAUSE)

Okay now, Greg, you have the opportunity

to win 10,000 hamster dollars

if you can eat today's mystery item.

(CHEERS)

Today's mystery item is...

a fish.

Ha ha ha... wait, what?

-BOTH: What?! -Come on, we've gotta rescue Bea.

Uh, Nancy and I talked it over

and she really thinks we could use 10,000 hamster dollars.

So, I think I'm gonna try to eat that fish.

Excellent.

I need to talk to the producer about this!

Oh man, they're really gonna eat her!

It is for 10,000 hamster dollars, bro.

(GROANS) Okay, I'll sneak over and rescue Bea

while you go and distract your girlfriend.

Girlfriend?! I don't know if we're to that level yet.

Go!

-Milo? -Uh uh uh...

I came over to say hi and wish you luck on your show.

Oh, Milo, how thoughtful.

ALL: Awwww.

Psst, Bea, we're gonna get you out of here.

Oh, Oscar, thank goodness.

I thought for sure that those guys were going to eat... wait.

Is that Milo dressed in a hamster suit?

And... I also wanted to tell you that...

that...

Uh-huh?

Oh, I had a really really nice time with you today.

You did, really?

Awww.

Oscar, you were completely right about this.

From now on I read the script first.

(GROANS) I can't get this knot untied.

Uh oh, get 'em, Milo.

Get 'em, go on with your bad self. Oooh!

Oh no, Milo's dancing.

-He's out of ideas. -Oh! All right then.

I'm just gonna have to carry you, Bea. Fins, don't fail me now.

(BANGS)

(ALL GASP)

Stupid fins.

Well, I guess that means,

Greg, will you be willing to eat double the fish

for double the money prize?

What?!

Well, for that kind of money Nancy says I will. (SQUEAKING)

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTS)

-(SCREAMS) -Oh man, eaten by a hamster?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Wait, be sick. That's it!

(COUGHING)

Ugh, woe is me.

Where am I?

Hey, what's wrong with her?

Please, just finish me off.

You'll be doing me a huge favor

because I have a very bad illness

called... the ick.

It's very contagious.

Oscar has it too.

-(WEAK COUGH) -(GASPS)

Whoa-ho-ho. I don't know if I wanna risk getting that.

(GROANS)

Nancy, run!

-(CACKLES) -(HAMSTERS SCREAMING)

Someone needs to do something.

Oh, fear not.

I'll get rid of those fish.

What if you get sick?

I'm willing to catch the ick for you, Pamela.

(WHISPERS) I will love you forever.

Hey, guys, wait up!

Goodbye, Milo.

Maybe our trails will cross again someday.

That's the last time I work with fish.

From now on it's just geckos.

(GROANS) Well, it's great to be back home.

In water. With no hamsters.

Yeah, and I realized it's okay that I don't have my own TV show... yet.

If I can get an entire studio of hamsters to believe I have a fatal disease,

then I know I've got the skills to pay the bills.

Plus, I did get on TV.

NEWS READER (MALE VOICE): ...the disease known as the ick.

The theater was evacuated...

OSCAR: Milo, please take off that hamster costume.

It's really starting to freak me out.

(YELPING)

(CHITTERS)

Um...

Uh...

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING CONTINUES)

Oscar?

What?!

(IMITATES SHOOTING)

Hey, bro, beat you home from school again.

-How was your day? -I'm tired of living in fear!

Sounds fun.

"Dear diary,

"today was awful.

"But not for Sir Oscar Fish the Brave!

"He had no problems."

He spoke publicly without fear.

CROWD: Huzzah!

And he conquered monsters without fear.

And he was awesome with the ladies without fear.

(COOING)

If only it were real. (SNORES)

-(ALARM BUZZING) -(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Wait wait, stop! Stop the bus.

(YELLS) Stop!

(WHIMPERING)

Oooh, what happened?

I missed the bus!

I'm gonna be late for school!

I'll just have to tell Mr. Baldwin that I got lost outside of...

a castle?!

Just before I saw a baby unicorn?

(COUGHS)

You'll have to excuse me. I am a little hoarse.

(WHINNIES)

This is weird. Where am I?

Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

(MOANS)

Ahh! Milo, is that you?

Wait wait, I know this place.

(GASPS) It's just like my diary.

Have you been looking in my diary again?

Because if you're pranking me...

Good sir, I would never.

I can totally vouch for him.

Well, unicorns don't lie.

I must have knocked myself out on that stop sign

and now I'm dreaming. And if this is a dream,

that means I can make all of my dreams come true.

So, from now on you are Milo the Meek.

And you shall call me Sir Oscar Fish the Brave.

(GIGGLES) Oh man, this is so cool.

Take me to the castle to seek the hand of princess Bea!

At once, fine sir.

Shall I shine your braces, so that you look you best?

(LAUGHS) I hope I never wake up.

Oscar, wake up, man. Wake up.

We got worried when you didn't show up for school.

Milo, just turn him over.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Hey, get away from my sign, man. This is my stop sign!

He's got a spoon!

We're sorry. We thought you were our friend Oscar.

See, he looks like this broccoli.

Yeah, all fish kinda look the same.

But I saw that guy, man.

-What happened to him? -Well, so there I was...

napping by the stop sign

when this crazy kid comes running in,

trips over me, totally comes face to face with my sign.

He's knocked out, man,

starts floating to the top of the tank.

BUD: Ahh!

OSCAR LOOKALIKE: Then this giant scoop comes out of the sky...

takes him away. And I was like...

"What?"

But your friend started moving.

Huh?

OSCAR LOOKALIKE: And then he was dropped back into some other tank

with a castle in it.

And I was like...

Weird!

And then I went back to take my nap.

The end. (SNORES)

Oh my gosh, Bea, this means he's alive.

But he could be anywhere... lost and confused,

curled up in a fetal ball, sobbing and wanting to die.

I can hear him now,

"Oh gosh, I am going to die!

"Why, why?

"Why me?

"Why not someone else?

"Why not Milo?".

And... scene.

You're right, Bea.

I am not going to rest

until I find my brother.

-Are you with me? -All right, Milo.

-Count me in. -Me too, man.

MILO THE MEEK: Here we are, sir.

Freshwater Castle.

Wow, it's exactly how I imagined it.

Medieval.

And oh! There's King Stickler.

(FANFARE)

Hear ye, hear ye,

the village of Coralburg needs a public speaker.

(CROWD GASPS)

Who here is brave enough to speak publicly

-in the name of Fishtankia? -(BREAKING GLASS)

That is a most fearsome proposal.

Actually, no it's not... in my dream.

I'll do it, Your Highness.

I, Sir Oscar Fish the Brave,

will speak publicly.

So, that's my amazing speech, in public!

CROWD: Huzzah for Sir Oscar Fish!

Look, Milo, it's Oscar.

(GASPS, GROANS)

Cool, it's like me with one eye, man.

Who here will joust the Joustapus?

Sir Oscar Fish!

Joustapus charge!

CROWD: Huzzah!

-MILO: Hey, Oscar? -(WARBLES)

(BOTH GASP AND GROAN)

Ooh, one more brave thing. I love it!

(MOANS) I'm in distress.

Now my back hurts.

CROWD: Huzzah for Sir Oscar Fish!

BEA: (GASPS) Oscar!

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH GROAN)

Thank you, Sir Oscar Fish, for your brave work.

You are welcome,

for I am truly amazing.

Now you shall give me the hand of the princess.

The princess has been kidnapped.

I didn't dream you!

Young glass boy, what are you talking about?

The Dragon Fish has her.

The Dragon Fish? Uh, well, wait a second.

Uh, yeah, that makes sense.

Because this is the part where I'm supposed to save the princess.

Uh, master, have you seen the Dragon Fish?

Yeah, well, look at this one,

and then picture it without a smile.

I'll be here all week.

This doth sound like the most hideous creature I can dream of,

but it is my duty as a brave knight

to rescue the princess.

So, rescue the princess I shall.

CROWD: Huzzah for Sir Oscar Fish!

BEA AND MILO: Oscar?

ALL: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!

DREAM MILO: Master, we have arrived.

OSCAR: And not a moment too soon. It's the princess.

(MOANS)

Clamantha?

That's not the princess.

My dream must be malfunctioning. I'll change her.

(GROANS)

Help!

(GROANS)

Oscar!

Bea, my feets hurt.

Okay, let's go home.

I don't wanna run into any more fake Oscars.

It is too depressing.

Maybe one of these other guys will be good enough.

(WHINY) Pick me.

(GROANS) Yeah. Let's just keep going.

-(OSCAR GROANING) -Wait, Milo, listen.

-OSCAR: It's still not working. -I know that whimper.

That's our Oscar.

-(GROANS) -BEA AND MILO: Oscar! Oscar!

-BEA: Hey! -MILO: What's up, Oscar!

Wha-wha... what the... Milo, Bea?

What are you guys doing in my dream?

Dream?

This isn't a dream, sillyhead.

Huh?

Now, ain't you a handsome fella?

Well hey, you ain't too bad yourself.

Wait, so this is real?

All this is real? I could get hurt?!

Totally.

Why does everyone look like someone I know?

I mean, that's weird, right?

Bro, do you see all the Oscars behind us?

All fish kinda look the same.. Except for that dude!

(ROARING)

(SCREAMS) The Dragon Fish!

I'm outta here. I gotta-gotta... I gotta-gotta-gotta...

-Gotta go... go home! -Please, you have to rescue the princess.

She will surely die if you don't.

CLAMANTHA: Somebody help me.

I'm sure she'll be fine. I'm no hero. I was just pretending.

You taught me what bravery was, sir.

But I guess if you can't save the princess...

I must.

Charge!

(ROARS)

(WHIMPERS)

Oh no, he can't fight that dragon. That was my job.

They put their faith in me.

I can't let them suffer for it.

But I need your help.

I'm gonna distract the dragon.

You two rescue the princess and the other Milo.

Let's do it.

(ROARS)

Here, let me take it.

(ROARING)

(SHRIEKS) I got him distracted!

Oooh, help me. Oooh, do help!

Princess, are you all right?

Are you kidding me?

Sir Oscar Fish is about to save me from certain death.

I'm in clam heaven.

(ROARS)

Hurry you guys!

Huh, who are you?

-I'm Ron, man. -Hello, Ron.

-We lookalikes stick together. -What?

Charge!

(YELPS, WHIMPERS)

(SHOUTING)

(PANTING)

(YIPS)

(MOANS)

-Whoa. -Oscar, you did it!

That was amazing, bro.

But I didn't really do anything.

What are you talking about, man?

You stood up to the Dragon Fish.

-You did it, Sir Oscar Fish! -(CROWD CHEERING)

Your Highness, here is your rescuer,

Sir Oscar Fish the Brave.

Oh, I know who he is all right.

Uh, it was nothing.

Uh-uh. Don't say another word, brave knight.

Who's that guy?

What a schnozz.

Aw, cool. Free girlfriend.

-(CHEERING) -(LAUGHING)

Yay!

ALL: Huzzah!

"Dear diary, today I learned that dreams can come true

"for real." Right, Milos?

BOTH: Hot dawg!

SNAKE: Hey, Mouse, do you know what you'd do

if you had your own TV show?

Because I do.

Hey, y'all. Welcome to Snake's Boogie Barn.

-Yah ha! -(ELECTRONICA MUSIC PLAYING )

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

I'd have a late-night talk show.

Why was your last movie so boring?

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -(ELECTRONICA MUSIC PLAYING)

MOUSE: Um, please stay out of my dream sequence.

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