Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain m(indistinct arguing).

-Alright, gang, Gabe and Rafe have never been gone this long.

We gotta face facts: it's time to find new town protectors.

-Or we could, I don't know, go look for them maybe?

-Too bad they took the truck.

That's the only perk we can offer.

Unless one of you is willing to play ball,

if you know what I mean? -Ew!

-I'd play ball with Manson Lawless.

He's a brick shit house with thighs like solid oak.

(purring)

-And Humunga's girls? There's some hotties in that group.

-You want a hottie? Two words:

Johndoe Cobretti. Mama like...

-Hang on, why should you get all the fun?

Maybe we hire two hottie protectors?

Nah, they'll start banging each other and we're left

standin' around like morons. -What's wrong with you guys?

Rafe and Gabe have risked their asses for us over and over.

Instead of having a meeting, let's go look for them!

-You're right. Danika's absolutely right.

Who wants to volunteer to look for Rafe and Gabe?

-Huh...

-Okay then, Plan B it is!

What other foxy mutants out there

could we trick into working for us, huh?

(indistinct arguing)

-(Father Manilla): My feet hurt!

(painful grunting)

-What have I done?

(sobbing) I "smoted" my own brother

like Michael Caine did in the Bible.

-Need a hand?

-Rafe? (scream)

(terrified squeaks)

-Uh, this might be a weird time to tell you, dude,

but I got laid!

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

(growling)

-Oh... This is impossible.

I... I thought you were dead!

-Ha! Ha! That's not me!

This guy's wickedly out of shape.

Look at his gut. Ever heard of crunches, pal?

-Oh, thank the Lord! I thought I killed you!

No belly button! He was a clone!

Thank God... I...

I mean... I totally knew it was a clone.

-Then why were you so upset? And why'd you kill him?

-Can we just drop it? Mom's in trouble.

This crazy general wants to steal something from her AENUS!

-Ooh, the old prison wallet.

-It's a computer. Not important right now. We got to go!

-Hold up, we need to give me a proper burial first!

It's what I would have wanted.

(deep inhale, exhale)

Let's go!

-You have to understand, it was an accident.

There was no malice aforethought.

-Don't try to confuse me with Spanish!

You were just gonna leave me for dead.

-I was probably... definitely going to have a memorial

for you back in St. Zephyr!

-So how'd you murder me?

-It wasn't you, so it doesn't matter.

-I got a right to know. I'm the injured party here.

-No you're not. The clone was.

And we have bigger problems. Like finding the general.

-And how are we gonna find him? It's not like he's waiting

right behind us with his dick in his hand!

-Oh shit, that's him. Let's go!

-Hey, do you smell pee?

-(both): Ow! Ow!

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Huh?

(engine whirring)

-Ten-hut! Cobretti, get us inside.

-What is this?

-A finger I tactically acquired

from the civilian scientist who built this here, AENUS.

-Gross. On so many levels.

Anyone got hand sanitizer? Anyone?

Ugh...

(blowing) (beeping)

Ugh! All I can smell is whisky and stale farts!

-(AENUS): Okay, I got one. Knock. Knock.

-Who's there? -(AENUS): May I come in?

-Okay, okay. May I come in who? -(AENUS): May I come.... in you!

(laughter)

-Nice! I got a limerick for you.

"There once was a girl named Delores,

who had rug burns upon her..." (alarm blaring)

-(AENUS): Hum... It appears that we have some company!

(AENUS beeps.)

(electrical buzzing)

(to himself): Visitors!

Aw, crap! I don't even have any pie or cake ready!

(gasp) General Hecks?

He's still alive? And using my mom's finger?

Son of a bitch!

(Gabe and Rafe moan and scream.)

And Judith's sons are here?

Jesus, Murphy, if she sees them, she'll leave me!

And then I'll be alone again!

Passing the time playing chess against myself

like a frigging loser! No!

Okay, reel it in, AENUS.

Judith can't know her sons are here.

Uh, he's really taking in there! Ew!

(to Judith): It appears there's been an infiltration.

-The door's open?

Well, buddy, it's been a slice!

I'll come by and visit. Catch you later!

-(AENUS): Don't I at least get a hug?

-I'll catch up with you,

General, I just need to wash, uh...

avoid seeing that Burns chick.

-Just be here when I come out.

-General, you're not gonna... hurt her, are you?

-My son's on the line here, Cobretti.

I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

(Truck door opens then closes.)

-Sounds like Mom's in there.

Did you hear what Johndoe said?

-Did you have to plant your foot right in my face?

-Oh, was that your face?

What, are you gonna murder me now?

Starting to get a taste for "bro-icide"?

-"Bro-icide"?

-It's Latin for "killing your brother".

(Gabe sighs.)

Yeah, I know things, Gabe. Surprise, surprise.

-(AENUS): Um...

(gunshot)

(suspenseful music) (electrical buzzing)

(rapid fire)

(whirring)

(gunshots)

(metal clanking and guns reloading)

(AENUS sheepishly humming)

(light-hearted humming)

-(AENUS): Hey, Judith!

I've identified the infiltrators!

-Great! Give them my regards! -(General): Alright, men!

We're we're retrieving schematics

from this facility's AENUS unit,

so do not harm it!

Until we get what we want.

Then drop trou and wipe that AENUS clean!

-Shit. Isn't that the General you killed with a missile?

-Correction. I'm the general he failed to kill with a missile.

Fire!

-AENUS! -(AENUS): Judith, run!

(gunshots in background)

-Scatter! I want her alive!

Or dead.

(suspenseful music)

(grunting)

-(AENUS): Yeah!

-(AENUS): Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

(panting)

(grunting)

-Change of plans. Let's waste these (bleep) freakazoids!

I need guns. -(AENUS): Be my guest,

-Yes! (happy laugh)

Okay, four men, plus El Hefe.

This will be a cakewalk! What? (whirring)

(AENUS cries loudly.)

-(AENUS): He killed my mommy and I couldn't even exact

my revenge satisfactorily.

-But you have another shot!

Tamp down that emotion algorithm

and help me kick his (bleep) ass!

-(AENUS): Let's do it! Once more into the breach!

No need to check any monitors as we go!

Huzzah!

-What in the shit is wrong with you?

-Hey! Was Johndoe there when you killed me?

Are you and him like, besties in "bro-icide" now?

-No! Would you shut up about your death?

-If you died, you'd talk about it

until everyone poked their eardrums out with screwdrivers!

Don't rage-kill me, Gabe, but I don't think this is the right...

... way.

(demonic laughter)

-(AENUS): Who dares disturb the slumber

of the secret... uh... place?

-What? -(AENUS): You haveth stumbled...

(stammering) ...onto this forbidden bunker

and shall payeth the price!

-Sorry, pal! I forgot my wallet.

-(AENUS): Attention, intruders.

You have ten minutes

to solve a trail of clues to lead you to freedom.

-I bet that's the AENUS.

-(AENUS): No! Uh, this is a... recording.

There is no one in this bunker. (clearing throat)

You must solve the puzzle within ten minutes, or else...

-This isn't fair! You murder me and I wind up in puzzle jail?

Oh, The system is broken.

-Dim the lights in the tunnel,

then I swoop in and...

AENUS, are you listening? -(AENUS): Yeah, I'm here. Sorry.

-You sure? I feel like you're distracted by something.

-(AENUS): No, no, I'm good. I'm just, uh...

making sure my battery is, uh, fully charged

so I can laser the bad guys to pieces.

Uh... Be right back. (whirring)

-Or else what? Could you elaborate?

Why would they put such a huge gap in that recording?

-(AENUS): I'm back! Uh, where was I?

Alright. Ahem. You have ten minutes

to solve a trail of clues...

-He said that already. This tape sucks!

-(AENUS): The first of clue is, listen carefully...

"a reflection of self". (whirring)

-I got it!

-How is that a "reflection of self"?

-I can see myself in the water.

-Or maybe it's the mirror... on the wall?

Literally in your eye line,

reflecting you as you walked toward the toilet.

Attention... "Look under the bed."

-Pff! Lucky guess!

(electrical buzzing)

(squeaking)

-(Judith): Psst!

(splashing sound)

(whirring)

(explosion)

Hi! (gunshot)

-(AENUS): Hey, could you tie me up?

(groan)

-(Judith): Bang.

-You, Madam, are a live-wire.

I can see why Johndoe liked you so much.

-Shut your ugly mouth and... (gasp)

Wait, Johndoe said he liked me?

-(AENUS): Focus, Judith! -Sorry.

-Found it!

Thanks for nothing.

Uh... I don't know...

-Gimme that. At this rate, we'll never get to Mom

and you'll have two people's blood on your hands.

(grunt)

-Nice going, (bleep)head? -Ah, screw this!

I'm Rafe Burns. You don't lock me up!

I lock you up! And I'm coming for you, weird recording!

You can take that to the bank!

(long groan)

(groaning)

-Can you take that to the bank?

-Shut up, at least I'm trying stuff!

(buzzing sound) -(AENUS): Um... hey!

Me again. Here's another clue...

"The tale of the tile shall set thee free".

Ooh, this one's a doozy.

You have my sympathies because you'll never guess it!

And you'll totally die in here!

This riddle is just that good!

-I have no idea what the hell that riddle means!

Oh hey, there's a key on that ceiling tile.

-Is it me or are these clues kind of phoned in?

-Totally low-rent.

-(AENUS): Oh, let's see you pull up a (bleep) escape room

together in like five minu... Oh, oh...

Uh... Hey! Who put that rude outtake on this recording?

Ha, ha... Gotta go! (buzzing sound)

(grunt)

-Aright, AENUS, you can get answers,

torture his (bleep) ass, whatever floats your boat.

-(AENUS): Oh gee, thanks!

This almost makes up for how fast you ditched me before.

-Oh, here we go.

Look, the door was open.

What did you want me to do, take you with me?

-(AENUS): No, but at least a proper goodbye!

-I came back, didn't I?

I wasn't gonna let Captain Assface here wipe your brain.

-(AENUS): Oh what, like you're a hero for coming back?

I'm your goddamn friend, Judith!

-Is this some kind of weird torture

where you make me participate in couples therapy?

Because there's treaties against that.

-(together): we are not a couple!

-Yeah, sure you're not.

(grunting)

-Good job, bro! -Thanks, man!

Why did you think

that would work any better the second time?

-Second time's the charm.

-Third time. The phrase is "third time's the charm!" Third!

-Oh, well, excuse me, Professor Charms,

head of "charmatology"! No one cares... Dork.

-Oh yeah? Well, this dork killed you.

That's right mother(bleep)er!

Dropped you like a sack of sugar.

And the only thing I regret about it

is that it was your clone!

-How about a shot at the real thing,

you skinny know-it-all twerp?

-You talk tough, for a big buffoon who died already!

(fighting groans)

-Who's the big balloon now, Gabe?

-Ow! Ow! -Who's the big balloon?

-So what are you gonna do

with this ugly bastard, AENUS?

Laser off his baby maker?

-(ANUS): Ooh, I like the way you think.

-Pff! Amateur move.

-(AENUS): Pipe down, Elephant Man.

-The intent here is to extract information from me, is it not?

Coming out of the gate hard and fast,

lasering off genitals and whatnot,

won't make a subject talk.

It'll only make them scream and bleed out.

-You'll hum a different tune

when the laser's halfway through your junk, dipshit.

-(AENUS): Ha! It's fun to hear you cursing out a third party.

-But Ms. Burns, I have something to offer.

Information that's of particular interest to you.

The location of your sons.

(gasp) -Oh, my God! Where is that?

That's here in the bunker.

Room 2611-B, which can be converted into a holding cell.

(buzzing)

-AENUS...

Did you... know my boys were in here?

-(AENUS): Maybe?

OK, fine!

I did, yes! I was going to tell you,

but I knew if I did you'd... try to leave again.

-Yeah, well,

I shouldn't have come back for you in the first place.

(gasp)

-(AENUS): You have twenty-five seconds remaining.

-Great!

You're gonna get your wish, Gabe. You and me are done, bro.

-Rafe, come on, we're probably gonna die.

Can't you... forgive me?

-Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

No way! I'm taking this grudge to the grave. In...

Ten, nine, eight...

-(Rafe): Five, four, three,

two, one...

(laser beam sounds)

(buzzing)

-Huh? That's it?

-It was a bluff? This is just like what happens in that book,

Dimension Patrol in the Mind Caves of...

-(together): ...Pascagaweaa.

-Wait, you read that? That's, like, my favourite book.

-Alright, don't get all misty.

We gotta find mom before we get trapped

in a wrestling cage again. Hey!

-Huh? -Oh!

-Whoa, whoa there, pal!

You don't wanna hurt anyone.

That would be against the General's orders!

Actually, that's probably right in line with his orders.

-Yeah, encourage him! That'll help!

-Sorry! Look.

That's my brother you got right there.

He may not mean a lot to you,

but he means the darn world to me!

Even if I don't show it that much.

So you better think real hard before you do anything,

because if you hurt him,

you're gonna have to deal with me.

-Yeah, that's not at all an effective deterrent. No offence.

-None taken! Except there's one thing he doesn't realize.

He's messing with the Burns boys!

-Hum...

(grunting)

-You wanna do the honours?

-(laughing): Hell yeah! (loud grunt)

-Nicely done, bro! -Aw, thanks, man!

Hey, did you really read that book?

-Yeah! I mean, I paid Danika to read it to me.

There is a lot of big-ass words in there!

-Rafe, look. I'm sorry I killed you.

I was mixed-up and confused

at the time... and also really mad at you!

But if I could take it back, I would!

Because the way I felt afterward

was the worst feeling I've ever had.

-Worst than tearing your "scrot" on that branch

when we were kids? -Uh, second worst.

-Alright, bro, here it comes.

-Here what comes? (grunting)

-We're even! -I deserved that!

-Put the boys back on screen again, you silicone shit-weasel!

-(AENUS): They're fine. I merely put them through an escape room.

Those were very popular before the apocalypse.

-Ms. Burns, I have a son of my own. He's what brought me here.

He's mutated. Horribly mutated.

But hidden inside that AENUS unit are schematics

detailing how to configure certain classified objects

into a device that cures mutations.

If you let me extract those files for my son,

I will exit the bunker posthaste. You have my word.

-Try anything funny

and I'll slice your damn throat 'til I hit spine.

-Noted.

-(AENUS): No, wait! (beeping)

(buzzing)

(beep) -Done!

Thank you, Ma'am.

-(AENUS): How can you do this? How can you let him leave?

-You screwed me, AENUS. We're done.

I'm gonna find my boys and blow this fart pit once and for all.

So... where are they exactly?

-(AENUS): Um... Um...

-Whatever, I'll find them myself!

(buzzing sound) (whirring)

-You got it? Is she...

-Dead? No! (laughter)

I simply connected with her on a personal level.

Parent to parent.

-So lame. Let's roll!

Sorry General, but this is worth a lot of batteries.

-No!

-I don't like the sound of that alarm.

-Yeah, I'm starting to think we might be in the wrong bunker.

-Bingo! Mom would never hang out in a fart pit like this.

-Gabe! Rafe! Boys, wait! (alarm blaring in background)

(whirring)

Shit!

(rage groan) -(AENUS): Lockdown initiated.

-Open the door, AENUS.

-(AENUS): I am unable to lift the lockdown

until I receive further instructions.

-Is that really how you wanna play this?

-(AENUS): My programming won't let me play it any other way!

-Hey... Did I hear you right? You got laid?

-You know it, bro! -By whom?

-Well, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Okay, it was Suzette!

-How could you do that to Johnny?

-I felt bad for all forty seconds of it.

Except the parts that felt really good.

Which was most of it.

(screaming)

-Let's put a pin in that. But first...

Ha! Gotcha, loser!

"Bro-icide" is not a word!

-Oh, it's on!

-(AENUS): Hey, Judith, no...

(electrical buzzing) -No more tricks,

no more computers...

I'm getting out of here, even if it kills me!

(screaming)

Closed Captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.