Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

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and may contain mature(groaning)atter.

-Suzette? -Dwayne?

Oh!

-Oh, non. Did we...?

-Ugh, of course, we did. Dammit!

-Hopefully, no one saw us together.

-Oh, shit-sticks.

(groaning in effort)

-Huh? Why are you wearing my clothes?

-Huh?

I don't know, but my ass looks exquisite in these yoga pants.

Um, yeah! -Argh...

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

(growling)

from last night?ything

-I need a minute. There's a lot to unpack here.

For example, why are we in the street?

And why is there a giant pig? -Wait...

If Rafe and Gabe aren't back yet

and that thing's running loose,

maybe everyone else...? -...got turned into giant pigs!

-No, you idiot! They could be dead!

Jesus Christ! Hey!

Didn't we run onto each other at church last night?

-Yes! I was coming out of the confessional. That was awkward.

-Yeah, that was awkward. Come on!

(chain rattling)

(suspenseful music)

(sad groan)

-Ooh! Ooh! Ah... Ooh!

(moaning)

(whistling)

(long drag, exhalation)

-Argh!

Alright, Lawless,

I'm here to finish giving your ass the pounding it deserves!

-Bruh, I burned one a minute ago,

so I'm gonna need some context...

-Oh... -Oh, wait, I remember you!

Joey Jimjohn from St. Zephyr.

Ah, your wife's the hottie with the tail, right?

(sigh)

-Fight me! I thought you were a bloodthirsty wasteland psycho!

-I am! But right now, I just wanna kick back,

mellow out, and eat this weird chicken thing.

(sniggering)

So, I'll take a rain check on fighting you, Jeffy Jingletoes.

-Please, I've got nothing left.

I used to be something.

Men feared me, women lusted after me...

Then, I mutated into a big jiggly joke!

Please, I just want to end it.

-That's why you're here?

Alright, I'll help you die, my mutant homie.

But not for free.

-Oh. Of course. Won't need these where I'm going.

(gun cocking)

(gunshot, thump)

(groaning)

Oh...

What does this mean? I can't die?

I can't even end my own miserable existence? What a rip!

-Um...

In all the time I've been killing people for money,

I've never had to give a refund.

So, I'm taking you on as a passion project.

I swear I shall murder you, Jimbo Jellyroll.

-Oh!

(bell ringing)

-(together): Oh!

(sinister organ music)

-Where'd all these big-butt nuns come from?

-The good Lord didn't send them, I can tell you that much.

-And the Lord said:

"Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and Despair!"

Oh, hey, Suzette!

-Father... Who crucified you?

-Was it the big-butt nuns?

-Oh! No, no, no, no no! They were your guests.

-Mine or Dwayne's? Cause I don't usually cotton to big butts!

-Um, I remember taking confession

and then giving communion...

Yes, a lot of giving and taking...

(sinister music)

-What are you doing here?

-Father Manilla ran out of wafers,

so I gave him some edibles I made.

(laughter) -You gave him what?

(munching and gulping) Ah...

-I remember those wafers tasted kind of skunky.

-And I remember your confessions!

Dwayne schtupping Ana!

Suzette seizing Rafe's sacred virginity

like a rabid Viking ravishing a maiden!

-Hey, Father, a little clergy/client privilege

if you don't mind! Now, about these nuns...

-Ah! travelling theatre troupe!

You two took an interest in their hip hop musical

Drop it Low for Jesus.

-Wait a sec, man! You can't make a Jesus show without Jesus!

Father! Come here!

I said come here!

-(trembling voice): Oh, I don't know about this...

Ooh, mama that feels good!

Pull it tighter. (rope squeaking)

-Excellent. That's it!

Pretend to be dead.

Like Jesus did before he jumped up and yelled: "Boo!"

(laughing) Ah, that's in the Bible.

Okay, so I'm gonna be the director

and you're gonna be the producer!

-No, no, no. I already told them I was the director.

-Then, we'll have to switch clothes!

They'll see me and think it's you,

but it'll really be me!

That'll fool them. (laughter)

(disco music)

Okay, ladies! Action!

(hip-hop beat)

♪ Drop it low for Jesus ♪ ♪ Make it clap for Jesus ♪

♪ Bring it back for Jesus ♪ ♪ Shake that ass for Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus's love demands ♪

♪ You pop that ass on a handstand ♪

-Um... I still don't get why we had to switch clothes?

-We were on drugs, Suzette!

Don't question drug logic. That way lies madness!

-And you filled Suzette's pants very nicely, Dwayne.

-Thank you! -And after this show,

you led the nuns out of here

like the Pied Piper led the rats to Ireland,

promising liquor and other earthly delights.

-Brew N' Chug! Let's go.

-You want us to get you down? -No!

I am in my happy place!

-Okay...

(whooshing, thumping)

(wheel squeaking)

(match crackling)

(detonation)

(engine roaring)

-Did it work? Are you dead?

-No... It's no use!

I'm cursed with immortality!

-Don't say that. Look at me.

We can... Hey, look at me! We can do this!

Don't give up now. -Easy for you to say!

Your wife isn't sleeping with the mayor.

-Mine left me! But did I curl up in a ball and die?

No! But you will, Justin Jerrycurl! Now, come on!

Let's try throwing you off something high.

You know, what we're doing here feels like the culmination

of my life's work. My magnum opus, if you will.

-Oh! Glad you're enjoying this...

(long scream) -Thank me later, bud!

-Finally, things are looking up!

(metal clanking)

-Ana! Who did this to you?

-You did, you stupid idiot!

You were like peas in a pod last night.

Two demons hell-bent on destruction...

(grunts)

-Ana, a round of Ale for these whores... uh, I mean nuns!

-I'm busy. Rafe and Gabe caught this animal a few days ago

and it seems to have the ability to self-heal!

-Oh, c'mon. Put away that silly science stuff and come party!

-Dwayne, no! This is my bar

and the only place in town I can do my research

without being disturbed by you backwater yokels.

-Ana, these are guests in our town

and it's my mayoral edict

that you serve them some refreshments!

-Yeah, c'mon, Ana. The mayor decrees:

get these nuns fu-fu-f(beep)-up!

-No! I'm not serving tonight.

-You thinking what I'm thinking?

(Ana screams.)

(angry grunts)

-The drinks are on the house!

(cheering, upbeat music)

(women giggling)

-Why aren't there any hot male nuns?

-You're thinking of monks. -Monkeys?

-No, monks! But if you're in bestiality,

you should know, I may be half-stag

but I'm all man where it counts.

-Not if you were the last half-man,

half-stag on earth, Dwayne-O.

-Oh, I'm sorry, princess.

Hang on, I think I've found you a knight in shining armour.

-Jesus Christ!

You're trying to get me killed?

Besides, this pig-dog is your type!

(screams)

-What are you idiots doing? Don't set it loose!

-It's a party! Let the Beast have a little fun too!

-Suzette, give me the key. (Dwayne laughs.)

-I've never seen two people more made for each other.

Soulmates in selfishness!

-You're telling me the fricking warthog

has the key to these chains? Come on, Dwayne!

-Hey, you guys gonna let me out or...

(disco music)

Whoa, he is rocking those yoga pants. Boom!

-So, did I hear Father Manilla right?

You and Rafe? How can you do that to poor old Johnny?

-Excuse me? I'm pretty sure "poor old Johnny" was banging

truck stop waitresses two at a time back before "boomsday".

-That was a mouthful. And point taken.

Still though, what's wrong with us? Waking up on main street.

-We locked your girlfriend in a cage, man.

-And we crucified a priest.

(bursts of laughter)

-Oh, God! Where am I?

(grunt)

Yes! Eat me! Eat me! Please!

(grunt) Oh! Aw...

(retching and sniffing)

Aw... I can't even get eaten by a monster?

What the hell kinda shitty post-apocalypse is this?

(grunt) -Huh? Oh God, they're back.

Quit it with the axe-throwing, you guys!

I've taken more shots to the face than a porn star!

-Yeah, that's great.

Veej, did you see a huge pig-type thing run by?

-Uh, did we do this to you, Vijay?

-You... You don't remember?

You two were absolutely frigging insane last night!

-(Suzette): Who rules the world?

-(Dwayne): Dwayne and Suzette!

-Okay, guys, be careful.

My face might be a dartboard,

but the rest of me is flesh and... Blood!

It was terrifying...

but also kind of majestic and incredible, fam!

Are you guys, like, together now?

Are you gonna combine your names?

Like "Dwuzette"... "Swayne"!

-(together): Shut up, Vijay!

(sniffing)

-Take it easy there, pig fella!

-What are you doing?

-I don't frigging know. It seems friendly.

Oh... (happy grunts)

(laughing)

Jesus Christ, Suzette! -What? We need that key!

(threatening snarl)

-A true power couple.

You love to see it... Yeah.

(Suzette pants.) -(Dwayne): Ow... Ow!

(long scream)

-Come on! It's gaining on us!

-Hey! We don't all do Crossfit every morning, Suzette!

-Ugh... Come here!

-I don't care for this, but I do prefer it to the dragging.

-Shit!

-(together): Ah!

(screaming, panting)

(Dwayne screams.)

(long scream)

(grunting, panting) -Oh... no, no, no!

-Dwayne! Lose the pants!

-No! They look so good!

-Dwayne! -Oh...

No!

Ha, ha!

Yoga pants!

(Suzette grunts.)

-They were my pants, Dwayne.

-You never cared for them like I did.

Can I have mine back?

-No. -Argh!

(sad moaning)

-Whoa, Johnny.

No offence, but you look like shit. What happened?

-Oh, it's all pointless, Danika.

I just want to end it.

But I'm trapped in this gelatinous prison.

-Look, I don't think you should kill yourself,

but I am a supporter of dying with dignity.

If you really want it done, quick and painless,

you could probably jump into the sinkhole at the Oasis.

-You're a genius!

-But I don't think you should do it.

-Thanks Danika. Where are you going with all that weed stuff?

-I'm vibing with the nuns, actually.

They wanted some ganja!

-Ah, sounds fun. Anyways, see you.

-Don't do it, but if you do,

have a good suicide! -Ha! Ha! Okay!

-Good job saving us back there.

You know, I've always admired your muscly,

prehensile monkey tail.

-All right, calm down. Just because

we're chained together doesn't mean this needs to get weird.

-We're well past weird. If we stay chained together,

nature's just gonna take its course again.

-Well, we can just cross that bridge when we get to it.

-Wait, are you saying you wouldn't mind if we...

-I'm not giving up on a life without you just yet.

Let's think.

If the key wasn't in the Beast,

maybe we got it back somehow last night?

-Who haven't we talked to yet?

Maybe we're still missing part of the night.

-Danika! -Oh! Yeah. Oops. My daughter.

Danika!

God, what is that funk?

-Smells like hot ass in here!

-Damn right it does.

-Wow. OK. Well, I'm gonna look the other way on this one

only because as you can see, Suzette and I are in a crisis.

-Seems like it. Where's your pants?

-I lost them in a very serious, unhumorous accident.

-Yeah, I'll bet! -Okay, Miss Cool guy!

We just wanna know if you know anything about

what happened last night.

Like where the key is for these shackles?

-No. But thanks for letting these girls into town.

Did you take all of the drugs they bribed you with?

-Wait, what? (sombre music)

Sorry sisters, but we don't

generally allow strangers in St. Zephyr.

(laughter) -Oh!

-But come on in!

(Sisters laugh. Dwayne sniffs.)

Ha! Ha! Ha!

I do not remember that. -Wait! I do!

You busted it out after we met at the church.

-So we didn't get messed up on edibles. It was "snortables".

-Keeping it classy. Hey, did you know Johnny is about

to throw himself into the Oasis sinkhole because of you two?

-Oh my God, I didn't even think of Johnny once today.

I'm the worst! Hey, do you think if we wrap this up soon,

I'll have time to take a bath and dye my roots?

Oh wait, sorry, Johnny, killing himself. Right. Focus!

-At least put some tarps down or something, Danika!

(gargling)

(sad moaning)

-Uh?

(dramatic music)

(scared moaning)

Ah... Well, if the fall doesn't kill me,

chances are I'll starve to death down there.

Thank God for small favours.

-(Suzette): Johnny!

-Don't bother, Suzette.

I'm not the man for you anymore. You and Dwayne

are obviously meant for each other.

-Maybe, but it's not what I want!

-Of course, it is!

You're both alphas.

Like I used to be before I became this... monstrosity.

(horrified gasp)

(sobbing) -Johnny!

You can't jump! Please!

I love you!

Every gross fold and weird bump.

I know things aren't the same as before the apocalypse,

and maybe Dwayne does make more sense for me now...

I guess some kind of bond made us sleep together.

I don't know. Sorry, honeybutt!

(diving board clanking)

Johnny, no!

-Sleep together?

No! You two assholes didn't sleep together!

(Johnny): Oh!

-So we didn't do the horizontal mambo?

-Also you can talk? -Naturally!

Not that anyone of you ever bothered to ask.

I simply wanted to join your town and was shackled!

It's Sidney, by the way.

-Never mind that! How do you know we didn't sleep together?

-I was there when you passed out in the middle of town.

All you did was bicker over who got more of the mattress.

-Huh! I bet she got more, too.

-Yeah, you're like an old married couple.

Including the celibacy.

-My Johnny... He's gone.

At least, he died knowing I stayed loyal to him...

this one time.

-This is death?

Just me alone by myself for all eternity?

God, I've gone from a living nightmare

to an existential one!

Oh, f(beep) this! I'm out!

(sobbing)

(grunting, panting)

Whoa, it's true!

I really can't die!

-Free, at last! Free!

-The key must've gotten stuck to you when you were

stuck inside of me! -You were inside this thing?

You dirty, two-timing hypocrite!

-No, he swallowed me!

-I don't care if he swallowed!

Oh, you mean literally?

(retching)

-The yoga pants!

Come on... (grunting in effort)

-So you heard, right?

I didn't cheat on you after all... with Dwayne.

-Then with who? -No one! Shut up. Stop talking.

-Wait, did you talk me out of jumping because you love me

or because I had that key? -Can't it be both?

-I guess I have to love you for who you are too.

-Ugh, doesn't she know where that thing's been?

-Help me! Help! The Brides of Christ are taking over!

-Dad, the hot nuns are refusing to leave!

They say St. Zephyr is their town now.

-Dammit, you just can't trust clergy people these days!

Christ, I can't even right now.

I do not wanna fight a bunch of nuns!

-My brother!

Oh, thank God you're still alive!

I found the perfect way to kill you! Drowning.

If we leave now and march East, we'll hit the ocean eventually.

-Sorry, Manson, I want to live.

-Aw man, come on!

I hate quitters almost as much as I hate No-Mos.

That's my new word for non-mutants.

Anyway, you suck, Jetsie Jizzface!

(horny chuckles)

(silly laugh) Who are they?

(happy laughter)

-Musicians, man. Pff!

Those bastards get all the chicks. Am I right?

Closed Captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.